My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 20 - Girl Earl - full transcript

There's nothing more romantic...

Than the morning after
a honeymoon with your new bride.

You change your own sheets today.

Wow. Last night-

I mean, that was- Ooh.

I didn't get too rough
with you, did I?

It's nothin' a bucket of ice
on my husband parts can't fix.

I have a little surprise for you.

I started up my own list.

Oh, my God!
This is fantastic!

You actually- Give me a second.



Thank you, karma!
You gave me the best woman in the world!

Screw you! I came to this motel to die!

Yeah! Stop showing off your happiness!

Somebody help!
My hooker stopped breathing!

Sorry, it's just that
I finally found my soul mate!

My bad.

Sorry for the outburst.

The neighbors send their regards.

My name is Earl.

I knew marriage was about give and take.

I just didn't realize
how much I would have to give...

and how much Billie would take.

What's, uh, goin' on
with the chips, honey?

Sharing- It's what married people do.



Well, it's just that I have everything timed
out perfectly for "crunch, sandwich, crunch. "

Now that you took that chip, I'm gonna be
left with one bite of sandwich and no crunch.

That's crazy, baby.

Uh, it's not crazy.
Just what I like to do.

Yeah, but I'm a sharer.
I mean, that just who I am.

When you marry a woman you hardly know...

you have to learn a lot
about her quickly...

and that's what I was doin'with Billie.

I learned she always kept track
of my comings and goings.

- Where you goin'?
- Soda machine.

- What are you getting?
- Soda.

- When are you comin' back?
- When I get soda.

Love you!

I learned she had different ideas
about clothes than I did.

Oh, my God.
What do you think?

I can't breathe.

And I learned a little bit
about her boundaries.

- She had none.
- Whoa! Private time!

- Shy pee-er in here!
- Don't be ridiculous.

We're married now.
You don't have to be shy.

Is it always that color?

# Oh, little miss, little miss
little miss can't be wrong ##

This song is lame. Someone has to
take control of this jukebox.

I'm gonna go put on some Van Halen.

Sweet! J- 19-
"Runnin' With the Devil. "

Ew, no! The real Van Halen,
with Sammy Hagar.

I don't get it, Randy. Clearly, karma
wants me and Billie to be together.

But there's 20 songs on that jukebox
with David Lee Roth Van Halen...

and she spends good money
on a Hagar?

I know, Earl.
But a lot of people like him.

That's why it's on the jukebox.

Maybe so, but what about
that crap she pulled with the chips?

Some people don't mind
sharin' chips.

Please. It's no big deal.
I'll get a crunch next time.

Wow.

Everybody's got some
little annoying habits, Earl, even you.

Like when you're thinkin'? You always
raise just one eyebrow. I hate that.

Maybe Randy was right.

Maybe the problem wasn't my wife.
Maybe the problem was me.

Great jukebox.

They even have some Lynyrd Skynyrd
from after the plane crash.

I decided to focus on the one
thing I knew we could agree on- the list.

Let's see. What should we do
first on your list?

Hey, this guy's on my list too.

In Camden County,
if you were a champion bagger...

it usually meant that
you bagged a lot of chicks.

ButJoel was
a different kind ofbagger.

You're watching Camden's own
Joel Maloney...

demonstrating the skill that's earned him a
place in the National Bagging Competition...

scheduled to kick off tomorrow in beautiful
Youngstown, Ohio, rivet capital of the world.

- Joel, are you nervous?
- Kind of.

But, you know, this is what everybody who's
ever worked at a grocery store dreams of.

Bringin' home that Golden Sack!

- That loser's goin' out of town.
- While he's gone we should clean him out.

I'm sick of all those grocery workers walkin'
around, actin' like they're better than us.

And once word spread...

every criminal in Camden
decided to go shopping.

As a courtesy, everyone
who stole from Joel left the TVon...

so the others could see
when he was on his way back.

I'm here live at
the National Bagging Competition...

with one of the hot, young newcomers
on the scene this year, Joel Maloney.

Joel, congratulations
on your first-round victory.

Most people don't realize
how exhausting competitive bagging is.

Actually, I had to run out and put some more
quarters in the parking meter, but thanks.

The longer poorJoel
competed, the emptier his house got.

And Billie, just like everyone else,
wanted a piece of the action.

Should've got here earlier.

Guess all you get's the broom.

Oh!

You can have the broom.
I'll take the fan.

Whoa! Joel Maloney just put
an exclamation point on this one!

It's the third day of competition...

and nobody's come within
12 nectarines of the pride of Camden.

By the time we got there...

people had already stolen
everything that wasn't nailed down.

So we took what was.

I know you're disappointed, Joel.

But second place is still
something to be proud of.

What are you gonna do with
that $25 gift certificate to Applebee's?

I guess I'll go to Applebee's.

Joel thought he was disappointed then.

But it was about to get a lot worse.

Of course when Joel came home
with his gift certifiicate...

he saw that his house was trashed.

The first stop in repaying Joel
was to visitJoy's tipped-over trailer...

to get back his carpet and his TV.

Excuse me. Just curious,
but how do you use the bathroom in here?

Joy put a seat on the exhaust fan.

Neighbors hate it,
but it works like a dream.

Huh.

Hey, Joy,
when we were first married...

was there stuff about each other
that we, uh, had trouble gettin' used to?

Oh, God, yeah. Your stupid
chip crunch thing, that eyebrow-

Oh, and the foreplay. Darnell, you wouldn't
have believed this guy's foreplay.

It was just a wrestling match
to see who got to be on the bottom.

I bet that was a hoot to watch-

you all red-faced,
trying to get out of doin' work.

It wasn't that.
I liked lookin' up at her.

Oh, you were just lazy.
But I accepted it.

That's all marriage is-

accepting the annoying crap
your partner makes you put up with.

That's even true
in the animal kingdom.

You think the tomcat likes the way
the lady cat screeches when he humps her?

He keeps coming back
to hit that kitty.

This carpet's got a lot of memories, Earl.

Remember when I took it up on the roof
and tried to fly on it?

Hard to forget.
You cracked your head open...

and for three weeks, you thought you
were president of an insurance company.

- You tried to fire me.
- Nothin' personal, Earl.

You just weren't making the sales.

And Shirley from Accounting
hated you.

Man, brains are funny.
You shake 'em around hard enough...

and it's like,
"Whoa, who's steering this ship?"

What do you want?

Um, hi, my name is Billie.

I once did a bad thing to you,
but I have this list, and you're on it...

and I want to make up for it.

Is this some kind of trick?

No, really, we're-we're sorry for
stealin' your stuff. We brought it back.

I told Joel
that once we put the carpet back down...

it'd be like we never took it.

Don't worry.
We'Il-We'll get it cleaned.

And we'll get you
some new rabbit ears for the TV.

I sent Randy
to go get some, but-

Ah, you don't wanna
hear the end of that story.

It doesn't matter.

The robbery was far from
the worst thing that happened that day.

The graffiti hurtJoel's feelings...

and the stud behind the graffiti
broke most of the bones in Joel's hand.

Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I was never able to compete again.

- It's been swollen and twisted
like this for seven years.

Sometime during year four I tried to
hammer it flat, but I think it just made it worse.

Well, enjoy your ceiling fan.

Excuse me a minute.

Billie, y-you can't cross Joel
off your list yet.

Why not?
I gave him back the ceiling fan.

- That's what I stole from him.
- We need to do more.

We-We took away his dream
of ever winning a national championship.

Of bagging.
I mean, look at him.

He's a sweaty guy. I think
he's just psyched to have his fan back.

Take care, Joel.

I was stunned.

We didn'tjust disagree about chips and
sandwiches or peeing with the door open...

or how to spell "warehouse. "

We also didn't agree on the most
important thing in my life- the list.

So, Joel, you seem to have
a lot of room here.

Do you think
you might want to adopt an earless rabbit?

I was disappointed Billie
had given up on Joel...

but I still had a job to do.

Joel was just a store sweeper now...

and it made me sick to see how this
once-great competitor was being humiliated.

I appreciate
your good intentions, Earl...

and a round-trip ticket to anywhere
Greyhound goes is a very generous offer...

but I'm fine.

Hey, southclaw!
Price check on peas!

Nice catch, southclaw's friend.

That was a nice catch.

Wow, you're a natural.

- Natural what?
- A natural bagger.

Hands that special
are a rare gift, Earl.

Some sayJesus
had hands like that...

and that he fit every food item
from the Last Supper into one bag.

Ah, if only I had your hands now,
instead of this clump of spastic meat.

Earl, that's it.
That's what you could do for me!

Yeah, I'd-I'd love to find a simpler way
to help you without giving you my hands.

No, I don't want your hands.
I wanna train them.

I'll never be a champion,
but I can make one.

Work with me, and we'll win
the national bagger title together.

Me? But I never even
graduated high school.

That doesn't matter. With my knowledge
and your incredible ability to grab things?

We could do this, Earl.

Together, we'll be unstoppable.

SoJoel started training me.

It was like Rocky
meets Supermarket Sweep.

Don't see the food, feel the food.

Go!

Come on, come on, come on.

No! Come on. Do it again. You can do this.

Go!

Come on!

Again.

Right there-You cross
your right hand under your left...

and had to uncross it
before you reached for the next item.

- Did you see that?
- I-I think so.

You think so?
Let's watch it again.

Go!

And then, just like that...

- all the drills, the sweat- it all
clicked into place. - # Trying hard now #

- I got it! I got it!
- #It's so hard now #

In fact, I got it so much that I won
the first round of the tournament.

- # Trying hard now #
- Bag blue! Winner!

How about a big hand for newcomer Earl Hickey...

who's moving on to the elite eight.

I also won the second round
against some schmo from Schenectady.

And Barry Schmo
heads home with an empty sack.

And in a tough one,
I took care of Angry Gustav from Baltimore.

- Bag blue!
- Ahh!

Cleanup on table two.
Cleanup on table two.

That put me
in the finals against Lance Parker...

a giant in the bagging world.

- He also went by the name of Bagger Lance.
- Can I have your autograph?

You want that on paper or plastic?

This kid just asked for my autograph.

I said, "You want that on paper or plastic?"

He's a 12-time champion, Earl.
You gotta beat him.

Don't worry, Joel. It's in the bag.

Backstage, Randy tried to keep me loose.

Man, Earl, your glutes are really tight.

Probably 'cause
you got your hands on my glutes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I was just finishing up my list.

- You finished it already?
- Yep.

How could you finish so fast?

Maybe she did 'em in order.
I keep telling you, Earl.

If we did yours in order, at least
we'd have some idea how we're doin'.

I called everyone up
and said I was sorry.

So the tourists you
carjacked and robbed-

you just said you were sorry?

Well, actually,
they're back in Japan.

And theJapanese hunt whales,
and that's bad. So I figured it was a wash.

- And you feel fine about that?
- Yeah.

Karma doesn't have to be
as hard as you make it, Earl.

I mean, three years and you haven't even
finished half the stuff on your list?

I- I had to take two weeks off
for the chicken pox.

All I'm saying
is work smarter, not harder.

Hey, it looks like
the student is becoming the master.

How you like that, grasshopper?
Huh? Huh?

When you're married,
you have to bite your tongue a lot...

over all the little things
that don't matter.

But some things matter a lot.

This one's not me!

- What?
- This one is not me!

Maybe I was wrong to complain
about "crunch, sandwich, crunch"...

or whose Van Halen's better,
but this is karma we're talkin' about here!

Karma! You're wrong!

- Are you gonna cry?
- I don't know, maybe!

But-But I do know you don't
half-ass something just to get it done!

Whether it's competitive bagging
or doing the list- especially the list-

you pour your whole
damn heart into it!

Otherwise, what the hell's the point?

And how do you like it
when someone pokes you, huh?

Ow! Finger, finger, finger, finger!

- What the hell?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I acted on instinct.
I have bad finger-pointing memories.

I had a very picky mother.

Well, at least you know
never to do that again.

Okay.

Well, good luck out there, you. Mmm.

I think it's broken.

I know how to fix that, Earl.
Just twist it back the other way.

Randy, let go!

Hang in there, Earl.
I'm only about halfway around.

It didn't make sense.

Karma had brought me and Billie together
so I could teach her to do her list.

But instead, now I couldn't do mine.

That hurt? Yep, it's broken.

I let you go
back out there like this...

they could pull my bagging competition
inspection license.

I can't remember the address of the Web site
where I got it. So, I'll inform the judges.

So sorry, Joel.
I hope you're not mad at me.

Look, Earl, you reminded me
that some things are worth living for.

And then you took that away.

So, of course I'm mad at you.

Hey, you each have one good hand.

Together, you have two good hands...

four good eyes, pretty smiles.

You guys are handsome.

Wait. Where was I
goin' with this again?

Randy's right. We do have two good hands.
Joel, get the rule book.

Can I have your attention, please?

Due to a forfeit,
this year's Golden Sack Award goes to-

- Earl Hickey's gonna bag.
- Earl Hickey's gonna bag?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Earl Hickey's gonna bag!

- And he's gonna bag with me.
- The rule book doesn't say two people can't bag.

It just says
you can only use two hands.

- This is outrageous.
- No, let 'em do it.

I'll beat both these turkeys
at the same time.

Mano a mano...

a mano.

Isn't she somethin'? JenniferJackson,
this year's Miss Bag On Her Head.

Okay, baggers, take your marks.

Get set.
Bag! Bag! Bag!

# Couldn't stop movin'
when it first took hold #

Bagger Lance
had both his hands perfectly coordinated.

We did not.

# There was a band called TheJokers
They were layin'it down #

Lance was so good, he was even
hammin'it up for the crowd.

#Don't you know I'm never
gonna lose that funky sound #

Huh!

- #Rock and roll hoochie koo #
- Bag red!

#Rock and roll hoochie koo #

Anyway, the vet said he should be able
to live a completely normal rabbit life.

He just won't be able
to hear long distances.

I told you, Randy. I'll only take him
if you let me make him into stew.

Lance had gotten a head start...

but we finally
found our rhythm too.

- # 'Squitos start buzzin' 'bout this time of year #
- Bag blue!

# Goin'round back
Said she'd meet me there #

# We were rollin'in the grass
grows behind the barn #

Bag red!

#My ears started ringin'
like a fire alarm #

We were still behind,
so we had to step it up.

- #Rock and roll hoochie koo #
- Bag blue!

Since Bagger Lance was a 12-time champion...

he started gettin'a little overconfiident,
and he reached for a pineapple too recklessly.

I'm cut!

Even that didn't slow him down.

Lance was the best bagger
I'd ever seen.

- Stupid fruit.
- And I'd seen five.

We didn't have more hands than he did,
but what we did have was more hearts.

- Tangelo!
- No!

Bag blue!

- Earl won! He did it!
- We get to go home now!

#Lordy, Mama, light my fuse ##

What a victory. Congratulations, gentlemen.
You just bagged yourself a trophy.

No, we double-bagged it!

Earl, maybe some people think
this bagging stuff is silly...

but it's been my life's passion ever since
my first trip to a grocery store.

Stepping on that black pad...

the doors whistling open,
the beep of the scanner-

Anyway, you gave me
my life back, Earl.

Nice bagging, Joel.

Thanks, ladies.

Grocery groupies-
They love a winner.

Anyway, thanks for everything, Earl.

You're welcome, Joel.

Earl?

I get it now.

I wasn't putting my whole heart
into this list thing.

But seeing how hard
you two worked up there...

and seeing how proud
Joel is now-

well, how proud both of you are-
I get it.

That means more to me than you know.

It did mean a lot.

If me and Billie could see
eye to eye about karma...

maybe we were gonna be
all right after all.

And you know what I was thinking when you were
standing up there? You should lose the mustache.

Yep. You need to shave it.

- I don't like her.
- She's gotta go.