My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 2 - My Name Is Inmate #28301-016: Part 2 - full transcript
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
When you're in prison, nobody trusts you...
to do the simplest things
you used to take for granted.
l don't understand why they're so touchy
about us having our own nail clippers.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, seems kind of silly.
But last year an inmate used a pair
to cut off another guy's arm.
Took a week and a half.
Big lawsuit.
Oh, l forgot. l'm supposed
to take you to the warden.
- The warden?
- Yeah.
l got so caught up watching you cut your nails,
l lost track of time.
Hey, do you mind if l tell 'em we're late
'cause you resisted a little?
- l guess not.
- Oh, great. Thank you so much.
- [ Shouts, Groans ]
- Gotta make it believable.
- [ Groaning ]
- No, no, no. Don't rub it. lt only makes it worse.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/t hurt to get Maced in the eyes...
but Randy missed me so much,
he felt like he'd been Maced in the heart.
So, hopin'tojoin me in prison,
he stole a car.
Oh, my God!
l'm stealin' a car!
l'm stealin' a car!
Come and get me!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then he waited to get arrested.
And waited.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And waited.
And after three days, he gave up.
Then Randy had another
not-so-good idea.
Excuse me, Offlcer.
What's the name of that killer...
that's killin' all the people
at truck stops?
- The Truck Stop Killer.
- Oh, yeah. That's me.
- We already caught that guy.
- Oh.
See that grafflti over there?
l did that.
Really?
Hey, that's nice work. My wife's been looking
for somebody to do a mural in the baby's room.
Would you do it for 50 bucks?
[ Door Buzzes ]
Randy, they're not gonna send you
to prison for slappin' a cop.
Even if they did, you know the odds
you'd be sent to the same place as Earl?
- Seven.
- Seven what?
Seven going to prisons.
- That don't even make sense.
- Twelve?
l'm gonna bail you out
because l promised Earl l'd take care of you...
and l'm a woman of integrity.
Just be thankful your brother's in prison
for a felony l committed.
My uncle once slapped a cop.
He got 1 2 years in a penitentiary.
- Guess what color he was.
- zlucky.
Oh, wait.
That's not a color.
[ Earl Narrating ] As warden,Jerry Hazelwood
was responsible for overseeing the prisoners.
Thing was, he didn't like
seeing prisoners.
Uh, you wanted to see me, Warden?
Sir? Sir Warden?
Well, hey.
Nice work on, uh, helping that Camden Scout
fella make his parole a couple of days ago.
As a reward, l would like to give you a certiflcate
for one week off your prison sentence...
and a coupon for a 20% discount
at the prison store.
Wow. A week off my sentence.
Plus, l like those coffee mugs they sell...
and l always thought
they were about 20% too much.
Well, you were a big help.
zlord knows l need
all the help l can get.
Don't tell anyone,
but this being a prison warden, it's hard.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The warden used to have a pretty sweet life.
Then his wife became governor
and ruined all his fun.
[ Woman ]Jerry and / are honored
to be living in the governor's mansion...
and to be a part of its distinguished history.
[ Gasps ]
- Oh,Jerry.
- What? l have underwear on.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so the governor decided to getJerry a job.
Unfortunately, the f/rstjob
didn't work out.
Training? These guys
don't need training.
We're the National Guard.
We're never gonna flght in a war.
[ Earl Narrating ]
So his wife made him a warden...
but hejust kept making mistakes.
Like letting a company hire prison labor
to make something...
that probably shouldn't
be made inside a prison.
And there was his mandatory
''Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. ''
[ Screaming ]
And l bet with
that ladder incident...
nobody talks about the 7 40 inmates
that didn't escape.
Oh. l like that.
You're a prison half-full kind of guy.
Anyway, l've got this problem
with these two gangs.
lt's kind of an ebony-ivory sort of thing.
Only the ivory is a Spanish gang,
so it's ebony-Spanish.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The gangs the warden was talking about...
had one thing in common-
they hated each other.
So the warden tried to keep the peace by
taking the leader of the Latin gang, Hector...
and the leader of
the black gang,Jamal...
and locking 'em in solitary
together for a month.
The warden was a big fan of
that TVshow The Odd Couple...
and thought if it didn't work out,
at least there'd be some laughs.
What's up?
[ Grunting ]
All right. Open it up.
[ Earl Narrating ] Sure enough, after a month
together, they hated each other more than ever.
The gang violence continued.
You get these two gangs to stop flghting,
l'm gonna give you another certiflcate.
This time for one month off your sentence.
A-A month? l'm in.
All right,just a little word of advice.
These fellas can smell fear.
You gotta let 'em know
who's boss from jump street.
You gotta stand taller than they do,
you gotta speak louder than they do.
You gotta be tougher
than they are. You gotta-
[ Shouting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden
was gonna give me another certif/cate...
for time off my sentence
if / could stop the gangs from f/ghtin;
First thing / had to do was
f/gure out what started it.
- [ Man ].' You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain.'
- Hey, man, check it out!
.' Too much love
drives a man insane.'
.' You broke my will
but what a thrill.'
.' Goodness gracious
Great balls of f/re.'
- .'/ laughed at love 'cause
/ thought it was funny.'
- Balls.
[ Earl Narrating ] And so / convinced
the warden to get another ball.
That way both gangs could play
and everyone would be happy.
.' Goodness gracious
Great balls of f/re.'
.'Kiss me, baby.'
.'Mmm
Feels good.'
- Ah!
- .'Hold me, baby.'
.' Well, / want to love you
like a lover should.'
- .' You're f/ne.'
- More balls.
.' Got to tell this world
that you're mine, mine mine, mine.'
- .'/ chew my nails and then
/ twiddle my thumbs.'
- [ Shouting ]
.'/'m real nervous
but it sure is fun.'
Too many balls.
Hey, Earl. Your ex-wife
and current brother are here to see you.
They, uh-They look mad.
Why can't people just be
nice to each other, Ron?
People need guardin', Earl.
That's all l know about 'em.
.' Goodness gracious
Great balls of f/re.'.'
l had to go bail out this dummy
and miss my Brazilian wax.
lf l go into labor, l'm gonna be
all stubbly on my home video.
l didn't ask you to bail me out.
You could've gone to Brazil if you wanted.
[ Sighs ] So humiliatin'.
The police thought Randy was my husband.
Although they thought Darnell was my driver.
That was kind of flattering.
- l miss you, Earl.
- That's all he ever talks about.
He's making me crazy.
Randy, l miss you too,
but you gotta get used to the fact that...
we can't be together right now.
l brought us a Sno Ball.
We can unscrew it...
and l'll eat the top
and you can eat the inside...
kind of like we used to do
when we were kids.
Oh, God. Somebody turned
the sprinkler on again.
- Shut up!
- You shut up.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, living in the trailer together...
wasn't any easier forJoy and Randy
than living in solitary was for Hector and Jamal.
- [Joy, Randy Arguing ]
- Knock it off, both of you.
Randy, l want you to look atJoy
and flnd one nice thing to say about her.
Go on.
Well, l suppose
she does have a nice rack.
Was that so hard?
Now,Joy, you say
something nice about Randy.
Well, he has been rememberin'
more to flush the toilet...
especially after a big job.
- l'm tryin'.
- And l appreciate that.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/t was working. And suddenly / had an idea.
Ron, l have to see the warden.
What? You're leavin'?
What about our snack?
Sorry, Randy.
l'll have to take it with me.
- ls that a Sno Ball, Earl?
- lt sure is, Ron.
Oh, l love Sno Balls,
especially the top part.
Really? 'Cause / only
like the insides.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Stupid bad-guy zookeeper's
eatin' my Sno Ball.
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden was happy
to let me use his off/ce to try my experiment...
mostly 'cause it meant
he could leave and go see a movie.
Thanks for agreeing not to kill each other
while we try to work this out.
Now, Hector, l want you to say
one nice thing aboutJamal.
[ Whirring ]
Oh, you don't want to be photographed
saying something nice about your enemy.
ls that it?
Fine. /'m not givin'up on you guys.
We're gonna stay here as long as it takes for-
Oh!
So, you're kissin'.
What's with that?
l'm not going to lie anymore.
Jamal is my everything.
l can't hear that enough.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then they explained what
really happened in solitary that month.
- Come on!
- At f/rst, they did f/ght.
- [ Groaning ]
- But after a few days, they were worn out.
At the beginning, it was awkward.
Eventually they started talking, and it
turned out they had a lot in common.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Both of them didn't like spiders
or negative people...
or being startled
while taking drugs.
- lt sucks.
- lt does suck.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And a few days later, well, it was a relationship.
You have incredible eyes.
Fierce, like a eagle,
but soft, like a water bed.
Oh, papi.
[ Earl Narrating ]
When their time in solitary was up...
they knew they'd have to keep
their feelings secret...
so as to not undermine their authority
as vicious gang leaders.
- Well, l guess this is it then.
- l'm sad.
This time together has been
so special for me.
- l'm sad.
- [ Guard ] All right. Open it up.
- l'll see you in my dreams.
- l'm sad.
[ Groaning ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so they pretended to still hate each other.
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Earl Narrating ] They couldn't be together,
but they couldn't stand to be apart.
When their longing for
one another got too great...
well, they got together
the only way they could.
[ Shouting ]
- l missed you.
- Squeeze my buttocks.
So you make your gangs flght
just so you can have a few seconds together?
Well, in fairness,
they also enjoy flghting.
You guys should just be honest
about how you feel.
You could be prison role models.
We could use more of those.
Or one.
You know what, Hector?
l think he's right. l want to be honest.
l'm sick of livin' in the shadows.
Puss, we've talked about this.
My gang will never accept you.
So what?
l'm not good enough for them?
You're just not the right color,Jamal.
Plus the gay thing-
They'll think it's icky.
Well, l need more from you
than just an occasional punch in the throat.
lf l can't have that,
then l don't want anything.
-Jamal-
- Don't.
- But y-you-you guys aren't
gonna flght anymore, right?
- [ Door Closes ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,Jamal felt scorned...
and that meant all-out war.
Oh, man. l got a spoon last time.
Hopefully the guy
you're flghtin' has soup.
[ zlaughs ]
Now,just so we're clear,
you only get a month-off certiflcate...
if you increase the peace,
not decrease it.
- That l could've done on my own.
- Sir, l'm doin' my best.
Well, your best has gotten me
an inflrmary full of stab wound victims...
not to mention a guy
with a bucket stuck on his head.
They're not sure that thing's
ever gonna come off, Earl.
Yeah, they're already
callin' him Buckethead.
zlookit, l'll level with ya.
l have a fraternity reunion coming up,
and if l'm not employed...
Slime Cracker and Man Boobs
are gonna tease the crap out of me.
l'll flx it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
While things were getting worse in prison...
they were f/nally getting better
forJoy and Randy.
Joy, l have a question,
and Darnell won't help me.
- lt's a book, Randy.
- l know.
l flgure the only way l can be with Earl
is to try to become a prison guard.
l think it's a dangerous job for him.
l mean, look at his reaction time.
Randy, l'm going to slap you.
- Ow.
- He's like a snake in winter.
ls this a full-time job
that'll get you out of the house...
so l don't have to stare at you sittin' on
my couch all day like a uncooked biscuit?
Yes, and part of what you just said
hurt my feelings.
l'm sorry, Randy. zlet me make up for it
by helping you study.
We'll start slow.
''True or false- lf l was held hostage,
l would sue the city.''
- False?
- That's right.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/f / was gonna f/x the gang problem...
/ needed to f/x the romance problem.
/ started by stealing
/amal's sweaty shirt.
SinceJamal was the one feelin'scorned,
/ had to get Hector to make the f/rst move.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Man ]
.'Lord, oh,yeah.'
[ Man On P.A.]
Lights out.
[ Earl Narrating ] Next / talked to Homer,
who works in the prison laundry.
Other than once killing nine people
on a party boat, he's a real nice guy.
.'Don't look to
those above you.'
.' When you're down and out.'
.' There ain't no doubt.'
.'Nobody wants you.'
.'But you're rock candy, baby.'
.' You're hard, sweet
and sticky.'
- Thanks, man.
- .' Yes.'
.' You're rock candy, baby.'
.'Hard, sweet and sticky.'
[ Earl Narrating ] While Hector
was watching Jamal lick his ice cream...
Randy was hoping he could
lick his prison guard test.
Then he waited for the results.
- .'Sticky.'.'
- Are you Randy Hickey?
Tell me l didn't get that one wrong.
Mr. Hickey, you scored 5 5%.
l think l'd like to play the race card.
How do l do that?
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy might not
have gotten the results he wanted...
but it looked like / was starting
to get the results / wanted.
- l miss Jamal.
- Go talk to him.
Tell him you want him back,
and then your gangs can stop flghting.
[ Hector ]
Nah, / can't go over there.
His people will kill me.
You tell him. l'll write down
what l want you to say.
All right, but since l have to read this,
nothin' too embarrassing.
''You're my pouty-lipped he-slut...
my chocolate-covered man candy.''
You know what?
l'm gonna just cut to the chase.
Hector's sorry
and he wants you back.
He broke my heart, Earl.
l could never trust him again.
Tell him it's over,
and then kiss him hard for me.
And squeeze his nipples.
He likes that.
- That's all he said- it's over?
- Yep.
But that's no reason to keep flghtin'.
These things happen.
- Sometimes people just can't be together.
- l can't live without him, Earl.
Well, there's times we all have to live
without the people we love.
That-That's what sadness
is all about.
Would you want to live in
a world without sadness?
Without sadness,
we wouldn't know joy or love...
and love is what
makes life worth-
- Ooh.
- [ Alarm Buzzes ]
TellJamal l'll always love him.
Hector, where you going?
We're all lining up for lunch.
Come on. Fish sticks!
[ Earl Narrating ] /t turned out Hector
would rather die than live withoutJamal.
[ Electricity Crackling ]
And seeing that madeJamal realize
that he couldn't live without Hector either.
- So he tried to get him off the fence.
- [ Cheering ]
/amal's gang assumed he was just beating
a sworn enemy as he was being electrocuted...
- which they thought was cool.
- [ Groans ]
[ Men ]
Yeah./ Yeah./ Yeah./
- Hector, you crazy fool.
- l can't go on without you,Jamal.
- Then be with me always. We'll flnd a way.
- l love you.
And you're the flrst thing l've ever said that to
that l haven't killed.
- Yeah!
- [ Men Cheering ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Grunts ]
Oh, my God.
[ Earl Narrating ] With Hector and Jamal
back together, / convinced the warden...
to let 'em use his off/ce once a month
to work out the gangs'differences...
- alone and in private.
- [ Clattering ]
That sounds like it's gonna be
a tough negotiation.
l would not wanna be
in the middle of those two.
- Nope, 'cause they're deflnitely flghtin' in there.
- [ Objects Clattering ]
That's-That's what's happening-
Two straight guys flghtin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] And with Hector and Jamal
able to be together every month...
the gang violence stopped,
and / earned another month off my sentence.
Congratulations, Earl.
So what are you gonna do
with your flve weeks off?
- Well, it's almost two years away, so-
- Fine. Don't tell me.
We'll just be work friends.
l get it.
[ Man ]
.' Gotta get a message.'
.' Get it on through.'
- .' Oh, now, mama
don't you ask me why.'
- [ Chattering ]
.' Whoa, oh, whoa
Listen to the music.'
.' Whoa, whoa
Listen to the music.'
.' Oh, whoa
Listen to the music.'
.'All the time.'
[ Earl Narrating ] /t felt good to see
everyone on the yard f/nally getting along.
/t also felt good to realize that
no matter how diff/cult it may be...
if two people really wanna be together,
well, they'll somehow f/nd a way.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Randy.
- Randy?
- l took the guard test and got 5 5 ''percents.''
That's the highest score
they've had this year.
- And my cholesterol tests were off the charts.
- Huh.
- Hey, Earl.
- Keep walkin', Ron.
.' There ain't nothin'
we can do or say.'
.'Feeling good
Feeling f/ne.'
.' Oh, baby
let the music play.'.'
[ Earl Narrating ]
When you're in prison, nobody trusts you...
to do the simplest things
you used to take for granted.
l don't understand why they're so touchy
about us having our own nail clippers.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, seems kind of silly.
But last year an inmate used a pair
to cut off another guy's arm.
Took a week and a half.
Big lawsuit.
Oh, l forgot. l'm supposed
to take you to the warden.
- The warden?
- Yeah.
l got so caught up watching you cut your nails,
l lost track of time.
Hey, do you mind if l tell 'em we're late
'cause you resisted a little?
- l guess not.
- Oh, great. Thank you so much.
- [ Shouts, Groans ]
- Gotta make it believable.
- [ Groaning ]
- No, no, no. Don't rub it. lt only makes it worse.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/t hurt to get Maced in the eyes...
but Randy missed me so much,
he felt like he'd been Maced in the heart.
So, hopin'tojoin me in prison,
he stole a car.
Oh, my God!
l'm stealin' a car!
l'm stealin' a car!
Come and get me!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Then he waited to get arrested.
And waited.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And waited.
And after three days, he gave up.
Then Randy had another
not-so-good idea.
Excuse me, Offlcer.
What's the name of that killer...
that's killin' all the people
at truck stops?
- The Truck Stop Killer.
- Oh, yeah. That's me.
- We already caught that guy.
- Oh.
See that grafflti over there?
l did that.
Really?
Hey, that's nice work. My wife's been looking
for somebody to do a mural in the baby's room.
Would you do it for 50 bucks?
[ Door Buzzes ]
Randy, they're not gonna send you
to prison for slappin' a cop.
Even if they did, you know the odds
you'd be sent to the same place as Earl?
- Seven.
- Seven what?
Seven going to prisons.
- That don't even make sense.
- Twelve?
l'm gonna bail you out
because l promised Earl l'd take care of you...
and l'm a woman of integrity.
Just be thankful your brother's in prison
for a felony l committed.
My uncle once slapped a cop.
He got 1 2 years in a penitentiary.
- Guess what color he was.
- zlucky.
Oh, wait.
That's not a color.
[ Earl Narrating ] As warden,Jerry Hazelwood
was responsible for overseeing the prisoners.
Thing was, he didn't like
seeing prisoners.
Uh, you wanted to see me, Warden?
Sir? Sir Warden?
Well, hey.
Nice work on, uh, helping that Camden Scout
fella make his parole a couple of days ago.
As a reward, l would like to give you a certiflcate
for one week off your prison sentence...
and a coupon for a 20% discount
at the prison store.
Wow. A week off my sentence.
Plus, l like those coffee mugs they sell...
and l always thought
they were about 20% too much.
Well, you were a big help.
zlord knows l need
all the help l can get.
Don't tell anyone,
but this being a prison warden, it's hard.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The warden used to have a pretty sweet life.
Then his wife became governor
and ruined all his fun.
[ Woman ]Jerry and / are honored
to be living in the governor's mansion...
and to be a part of its distinguished history.
[ Gasps ]
- Oh,Jerry.
- What? l have underwear on.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so the governor decided to getJerry a job.
Unfortunately, the f/rstjob
didn't work out.
Training? These guys
don't need training.
We're the National Guard.
We're never gonna flght in a war.
[ Earl Narrating ]
So his wife made him a warden...
but hejust kept making mistakes.
Like letting a company hire prison labor
to make something...
that probably shouldn't
be made inside a prison.
And there was his mandatory
''Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. ''
[ Screaming ]
And l bet with
that ladder incident...
nobody talks about the 7 40 inmates
that didn't escape.
Oh. l like that.
You're a prison half-full kind of guy.
Anyway, l've got this problem
with these two gangs.
lt's kind of an ebony-ivory sort of thing.
Only the ivory is a Spanish gang,
so it's ebony-Spanish.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The gangs the warden was talking about...
had one thing in common-
they hated each other.
So the warden tried to keep the peace by
taking the leader of the Latin gang, Hector...
and the leader of
the black gang,Jamal...
and locking 'em in solitary
together for a month.
The warden was a big fan of
that TVshow The Odd Couple...
and thought if it didn't work out,
at least there'd be some laughs.
What's up?
[ Grunting ]
All right. Open it up.
[ Earl Narrating ] Sure enough, after a month
together, they hated each other more than ever.
The gang violence continued.
You get these two gangs to stop flghting,
l'm gonna give you another certiflcate.
This time for one month off your sentence.
A-A month? l'm in.
All right,just a little word of advice.
These fellas can smell fear.
You gotta let 'em know
who's boss from jump street.
You gotta stand taller than they do,
you gotta speak louder than they do.
You gotta be tougher
than they are. You gotta-
[ Shouting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden
was gonna give me another certif/cate...
for time off my sentence
if / could stop the gangs from f/ghtin;
First thing / had to do was
f/gure out what started it.
- [ Man ].' You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain.'
- Hey, man, check it out!
.' Too much love
drives a man insane.'
.' You broke my will
but what a thrill.'
.' Goodness gracious
Great balls of f/re.'
- .'/ laughed at love 'cause
/ thought it was funny.'
- Balls.
[ Earl Narrating ] And so / convinced
the warden to get another ball.
That way both gangs could play
and everyone would be happy.
.' Goodness gracious
Great balls of f/re.'
.'Kiss me, baby.'
.'Mmm
Feels good.'
- Ah!
- .'Hold me, baby.'
.' Well, / want to love you
like a lover should.'
- .' You're f/ne.'
- More balls.
.' Got to tell this world
that you're mine, mine mine, mine.'
- .'/ chew my nails and then
/ twiddle my thumbs.'
- [ Shouting ]
.'/'m real nervous
but it sure is fun.'
Too many balls.
Hey, Earl. Your ex-wife
and current brother are here to see you.
They, uh-They look mad.
Why can't people just be
nice to each other, Ron?
People need guardin', Earl.
That's all l know about 'em.
.' Goodness gracious
Great balls of f/re.'.'
l had to go bail out this dummy
and miss my Brazilian wax.
lf l go into labor, l'm gonna be
all stubbly on my home video.
l didn't ask you to bail me out.
You could've gone to Brazil if you wanted.
[ Sighs ] So humiliatin'.
The police thought Randy was my husband.
Although they thought Darnell was my driver.
That was kind of flattering.
- l miss you, Earl.
- That's all he ever talks about.
He's making me crazy.
Randy, l miss you too,
but you gotta get used to the fact that...
we can't be together right now.
l brought us a Sno Ball.
We can unscrew it...
and l'll eat the top
and you can eat the inside...
kind of like we used to do
when we were kids.
Oh, God. Somebody turned
the sprinkler on again.
- Shut up!
- You shut up.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, living in the trailer together...
wasn't any easier forJoy and Randy
than living in solitary was for Hector and Jamal.
- [Joy, Randy Arguing ]
- Knock it off, both of you.
Randy, l want you to look atJoy
and flnd one nice thing to say about her.
Go on.
Well, l suppose
she does have a nice rack.
Was that so hard?
Now,Joy, you say
something nice about Randy.
Well, he has been rememberin'
more to flush the toilet...
especially after a big job.
- l'm tryin'.
- And l appreciate that.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/t was working. And suddenly / had an idea.
Ron, l have to see the warden.
What? You're leavin'?
What about our snack?
Sorry, Randy.
l'll have to take it with me.
- ls that a Sno Ball, Earl?
- lt sure is, Ron.
Oh, l love Sno Balls,
especially the top part.
Really? 'Cause / only
like the insides.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Stupid bad-guy zookeeper's
eatin' my Sno Ball.
[ Earl Narrating ] The warden was happy
to let me use his off/ce to try my experiment...
mostly 'cause it meant
he could leave and go see a movie.
Thanks for agreeing not to kill each other
while we try to work this out.
Now, Hector, l want you to say
one nice thing aboutJamal.
[ Whirring ]
Oh, you don't want to be photographed
saying something nice about your enemy.
ls that it?
Fine. /'m not givin'up on you guys.
We're gonna stay here as long as it takes for-
Oh!
So, you're kissin'.
What's with that?
l'm not going to lie anymore.
Jamal is my everything.
l can't hear that enough.
[ Earl Narrating ] Then they explained what
really happened in solitary that month.
- Come on!
- At f/rst, they did f/ght.
- [ Groaning ]
- But after a few days, they were worn out.
At the beginning, it was awkward.
Eventually they started talking, and it
turned out they had a lot in common.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Both of them didn't like spiders
or negative people...
or being startled
while taking drugs.
- lt sucks.
- lt does suck.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And a few days later, well, it was a relationship.
You have incredible eyes.
Fierce, like a eagle,
but soft, like a water bed.
Oh, papi.
[ Earl Narrating ]
When their time in solitary was up...
they knew they'd have to keep
their feelings secret...
so as to not undermine their authority
as vicious gang leaders.
- Well, l guess this is it then.
- l'm sad.
This time together has been
so special for me.
- l'm sad.
- [ Guard ] All right. Open it up.
- l'll see you in my dreams.
- l'm sad.
[ Groaning ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
And so they pretended to still hate each other.
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Earl Narrating ] They couldn't be together,
but they couldn't stand to be apart.
When their longing for
one another got too great...
well, they got together
the only way they could.
[ Shouting ]
- l missed you.
- Squeeze my buttocks.
So you make your gangs flght
just so you can have a few seconds together?
Well, in fairness,
they also enjoy flghting.
You guys should just be honest
about how you feel.
You could be prison role models.
We could use more of those.
Or one.
You know what, Hector?
l think he's right. l want to be honest.
l'm sick of livin' in the shadows.
Puss, we've talked about this.
My gang will never accept you.
So what?
l'm not good enough for them?
You're just not the right color,Jamal.
Plus the gay thing-
They'll think it's icky.
Well, l need more from you
than just an occasional punch in the throat.
lf l can't have that,
then l don't want anything.
-Jamal-
- Don't.
- But y-you-you guys aren't
gonna flght anymore, right?
- [ Door Closes ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,Jamal felt scorned...
and that meant all-out war.
Oh, man. l got a spoon last time.
Hopefully the guy
you're flghtin' has soup.
[ zlaughs ]
Now,just so we're clear,
you only get a month-off certiflcate...
if you increase the peace,
not decrease it.
- That l could've done on my own.
- Sir, l'm doin' my best.
Well, your best has gotten me
an inflrmary full of stab wound victims...
not to mention a guy
with a bucket stuck on his head.
They're not sure that thing's
ever gonna come off, Earl.
Yeah, they're already
callin' him Buckethead.
zlookit, l'll level with ya.
l have a fraternity reunion coming up,
and if l'm not employed...
Slime Cracker and Man Boobs
are gonna tease the crap out of me.
l'll flx it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
While things were getting worse in prison...
they were f/nally getting better
forJoy and Randy.
Joy, l have a question,
and Darnell won't help me.
- lt's a book, Randy.
- l know.
l flgure the only way l can be with Earl
is to try to become a prison guard.
l think it's a dangerous job for him.
l mean, look at his reaction time.
Randy, l'm going to slap you.
- Ow.
- He's like a snake in winter.
ls this a full-time job
that'll get you out of the house...
so l don't have to stare at you sittin' on
my couch all day like a uncooked biscuit?
Yes, and part of what you just said
hurt my feelings.
l'm sorry, Randy. zlet me make up for it
by helping you study.
We'll start slow.
''True or false- lf l was held hostage,
l would sue the city.''
- False?
- That's right.
[ Earl Narrating ]
/f / was gonna f/x the gang problem...
/ needed to f/x the romance problem.
/ started by stealing
/amal's sweaty shirt.
SinceJamal was the one feelin'scorned,
/ had to get Hector to make the f/rst move.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Man ]
.'Lord, oh,yeah.'
[ Man On P.A.]
Lights out.
[ Earl Narrating ] Next / talked to Homer,
who works in the prison laundry.
Other than once killing nine people
on a party boat, he's a real nice guy.
.'Don't look to
those above you.'
.' When you're down and out.'
.' There ain't no doubt.'
.'Nobody wants you.'
.'But you're rock candy, baby.'
.' You're hard, sweet
and sticky.'
- Thanks, man.
- .' Yes.'
.' You're rock candy, baby.'
.'Hard, sweet and sticky.'
[ Earl Narrating ] While Hector
was watching Jamal lick his ice cream...
Randy was hoping he could
lick his prison guard test.
Then he waited for the results.
- .'Sticky.'.'
- Are you Randy Hickey?
Tell me l didn't get that one wrong.
Mr. Hickey, you scored 5 5%.
l think l'd like to play the race card.
How do l do that?
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy might not
have gotten the results he wanted...
but it looked like / was starting
to get the results / wanted.
- l miss Jamal.
- Go talk to him.
Tell him you want him back,
and then your gangs can stop flghting.
[ Hector ]
Nah, / can't go over there.
His people will kill me.
You tell him. l'll write down
what l want you to say.
All right, but since l have to read this,
nothin' too embarrassing.
''You're my pouty-lipped he-slut...
my chocolate-covered man candy.''
You know what?
l'm gonna just cut to the chase.
Hector's sorry
and he wants you back.
He broke my heart, Earl.
l could never trust him again.
Tell him it's over,
and then kiss him hard for me.
And squeeze his nipples.
He likes that.
- That's all he said- it's over?
- Yep.
But that's no reason to keep flghtin'.
These things happen.
- Sometimes people just can't be together.
- l can't live without him, Earl.
Well, there's times we all have to live
without the people we love.
That-That's what sadness
is all about.
Would you want to live in
a world without sadness?
Without sadness,
we wouldn't know joy or love...
and love is what
makes life worth-
- Ooh.
- [ Alarm Buzzes ]
TellJamal l'll always love him.
Hector, where you going?
We're all lining up for lunch.
Come on. Fish sticks!
[ Earl Narrating ] /t turned out Hector
would rather die than live withoutJamal.
[ Electricity Crackling ]
And seeing that madeJamal realize
that he couldn't live without Hector either.
- So he tried to get him off the fence.
- [ Cheering ]
/amal's gang assumed he was just beating
a sworn enemy as he was being electrocuted...
- which they thought was cool.
- [ Groans ]
[ Men ]
Yeah./ Yeah./ Yeah./
- Hector, you crazy fool.
- l can't go on without you,Jamal.
- Then be with me always. We'll flnd a way.
- l love you.
And you're the flrst thing l've ever said that to
that l haven't killed.
- Yeah!
- [ Men Cheering ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Grunts ]
Oh, my God.
[ Earl Narrating ] With Hector and Jamal
back together, / convinced the warden...
to let 'em use his off/ce once a month
to work out the gangs'differences...
- alone and in private.
- [ Clattering ]
That sounds like it's gonna be
a tough negotiation.
l would not wanna be
in the middle of those two.
- Nope, 'cause they're deflnitely flghtin' in there.
- [ Objects Clattering ]
That's-That's what's happening-
Two straight guys flghtin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] And with Hector and Jamal
able to be together every month...
the gang violence stopped,
and / earned another month off my sentence.
Congratulations, Earl.
So what are you gonna do
with your flve weeks off?
- Well, it's almost two years away, so-
- Fine. Don't tell me.
We'll just be work friends.
l get it.
[ Man ]
.' Gotta get a message.'
.' Get it on through.'
- .' Oh, now, mama
don't you ask me why.'
- [ Chattering ]
.' Whoa, oh, whoa
Listen to the music.'
.' Whoa, whoa
Listen to the music.'
.' Oh, whoa
Listen to the music.'
.'All the time.'
[ Earl Narrating ] /t felt good to see
everyone on the yard f/nally getting along.
/t also felt good to realize that
no matter how diff/cult it may be...
if two people really wanna be together,
well, they'll somehow f/nd a way.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Randy.
- Randy?
- l took the guard test and got 5 5 ''percents.''
That's the highest score
they've had this year.
- And my cholesterol tests were off the charts.
- Huh.
- Hey, Earl.
- Keep walkin', Ron.
.' There ain't nothin'
we can do or say.'
.'Feeling good
Feeling f/ne.'
.' Oh, baby
let the music play.'.'