My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 15 - I Won't Die with a Little Help from My Friends: Part 2 - full transcript
Nothing can get Earl out of his coma, so Randy turns to a young faith healer from their past. However, the boy says that he no longer heals people because he discovered how Earl lived his life after he "healed" him the first time.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Like most month-old vegetables,
the hospital wanted
to throw me out.
We can put him
in county-run, long-term care,
or...
you can take him off our hands
and receive a one-time payment
of $2000 in Camden Cash,
redeemable at more
than six local businesses.
Paintball! Karma wouldn't dangle
paintball in front of us if it
weren't a sign. We'll take it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy felt he'd made
the right choice,
and everywhere he looked,
he saw proof of that.
How cool is it that right when
I got tired of carrying you,
karma made a supermarket?
Karma rocks.
Brace yourself.
That's good, Earl.
You didn't pee that time.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
When you're in a coma,
gettin' pushed down
the street in a shopping cart,
things go pretty slow.
But in my mind,
time was flyin' by.
Fifty years
in this old house.
We sure do have
a lot of memories.
Speak for yourself.
I can't remember
what I had for breakfast.
[ Audience Laughing ]
Do you remember
the time that we got
into that huge fight,
and neither one of us
wanted to move out?
Yeah.
[ Crying ]
[ Sniffs ]
Your side needs
its diaper changed.
Remember when our own kids
stopped bein' cute,
and Cousin Wendall
came and stayed with us?
Why, Cousin Wendall,
what a surprise.
What are you doing here?
My parents are dead,
so I'm movin' in
with my favorite cousins...
on the honky side.
That irrepressible scamp
certainly turned our world
upside down.
- [ Earl Chuckles ]
- Earl!
Hey, Earl!
Randy, wait up.
Hey, Patty.
Look what I bought
at the store.
Just kiddin'. It's Earl.
I just brought him home
from the hospital.
He's still got
a touch of the coma.
Yeah, they're
a tough thing to shake.
I missed a lot of my 30s
like that.
Well, he's not gonna be
in it that long.
I mean, he's almost
back to normal already.
Watch.
Every opening I stick
my finger in, I get
a different reaction.
Huh.
Sounds a lot like my job.
Hey, I got a wheelchair
I can sell you.
Does it have a shelf underneath?
'Cause this shopping cart's got
a real good shelf underneath.
Well, it's a pretty nice chair.
It used to belong
to this pimp friend
of mine, Snooky.
He got rid of it
'cause he thought people
didn't respect the chair.
Now he has one of his bitches
carry him around on a backpack,
Yoda style.
** [ Hip-hop ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy loved
the Yoda backpack idea,
but once he saw
Snooky's wheelchair,
that looked even better.
It had everything
a crippled pimp could want:
a bumpin' sound system,
spinner hubcaps, a hook
for a sock full of batteries--
- It even had a little shelf.
- ** [ Continues ]
Oh, snap! Darnell,
I'm tempted to cripple you
just to get one of those.
- I'm tempted
to let you do it.
- ** [ Switches Off ]
Did the hospital need the bed?
It's nice to see they throw
white folks out too.
Actually, I could have sent him
to long-term care,
but karma offered us
paintball, Camden Cash
and a wheelchair.
So, obviously,
I'm doin' the right thing.
So, you're just going
to take care of Earl
by yourself?
Remember when you turtle-sat
the first Mr. Turtle and he
ended up outside of his shell,
and you shoved him back in
like I wouldn't notice?
These are the things
that make me worry.
Randy, you can't do this.
Trust me. I know what it takes
to take care of somebody.
I've proven that three times
to Child Services.
Would you guys leave me alone?
He's fine. I've already been
lookin' after him a whole day.
It's your favorite, Earl:
Chubby's Chicken with fries
and a couple of beers.
It's gonna taste so good
in your blood.
[ Women ]
* Bye-bye, blues
* Bye-bye, blues
* Don't cry, don't sigh
[ Shower Running ]
* The sun is shinin'
No more pinin' *
* Smilin' through
* Don't sigh, don't cry
* Bye-bye
Bye-bye, blues **
Plus, the best part
about Earl bein' out
of the hospital...
is he can start doin'
stuff from the list
on his own.
If karma was makin' him
a little bit better when we
were crossing things off,
just think how much better
he'll get if he starts
crossing 'em off himself.
Randy,
is this a gum wrapper
in his mouth?
Yeah, I wasn't near a trash can.
Here's one he could
definitely do on his own:
number 241--
"Made Derrick Stone
late for work."
[ Earl Narrating ]
In every neighborhood,
there's people...
that annoy everybody else
by working odd hours.
In the trailer park,
those hours are 9:00 to 5:00.
[ Engine Starts ]
How about
a little respect,
jackass?
It's not even 9:00
in the mornin'.
You know we were up until 5:00.
You yelled at us at 4:30.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I just don't wanna be
late for work.
[ Earl Narrating ]
So to make sure
we got a good day's sleep,
me and Randy decided
to put in a good night's work.
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
Son of a bitch!
[ Chirp ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy talked to Derrick...
and found out being late was
just the start of his problems.
I showed up late for work,
got fired.
My girlfriend said she didn't
date losers, so she broke up
with me. My own personal 9/11.
And it was
actually September 11.
I'm not being dramatic.
Well, you won't be late anymore.
Now you can drive
in the car pool lane,
'cause I put Earl
in your backseat.
So can I cross you off the list?
I guess.
I take the bus now.
Sold that car
to the lady next door.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming, Whimpers ]
[ Thuds ]
You're right, Earl.
Your mother's dress
is see-through
in this picture.
What kind
of 95-year-old woman
doesn't wear underwear?
[ Earl Narrating ]
After finding a bitchin' pair
of truck stop sunglasses...
to cover up
my red, swollen eyes,
Randy tried to find a list item
I could do in a coma.
That turned out
to be a lot harder.
Number 116--
"Rolled John Fenster
down a hill in a porta-potty."
Do you think Earl would mind
if we did that to him?
If you were in a coma, would you
want someone rollin' you down
a hill in a porta-potty?
Let me think.
Huh. Huh.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Oh, no.
No, I would not.
Here we go.
Earl could do this
on his own. It's perfect.
Number 126-- "Stole
from the Henson kids."
[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy
were jealous of our neighbors
Brett and Tiffany Henson...
'cause their folks took 'em
on such great vacations.
- Oh, man.
They got to go to Hawaii.
- We'll do it next week.
Man, they got to go
to Mystery Fun Land.
[ Man ]
Who wants pizza?
Oh, man.
They got to go skydiving.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Not only did they get
to go on cool vacations,
now they didn't have
to walk places either.
That's when I decided
I wanted in on their fun.
Let's go!
Excuse me.
Could you at least
roll us into the shade?
Anyway, I didn't know
where I could find you,
so I thought--
What, that you'd look for us
in the wheelchair bar?
We're in wheelchairs,
so we have to be
in the wheelchair bar?
- Is that it?
- But you are here.
Only 'cause it's ladies' night.
In an hour, this place is gonna
be wheel-to-wheel bitches.
Frankly, Earl deserves
to be in a coma after
what you did to us.
We fried like bacon out there.
Which is why I left Earl
outside on the blacktop.
[ Bird Shrieks ]
So you had to lie in the sun,
now he has to lie in the sun.
That seems pretty even.
I got leg-humped by a Doberman.
I got shoulder-humped
by a Doberman...
to completion.
Oh, yeah.
[ Laughing ]
[ Continues Laughing ]
Oh. Oh.
So can I cross you
off the list now?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy had failed to charm
the pants off Brett and Tiffany,
but a homeless guy was havin'
much better luck with me.
Hey! Get away from here!
You need nicer pants so bad,
go home and get a pair.
And get a haircut
while you're at it.
You look like a bum.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, man, you look thirsty, Earl.
Let's go inside and see
if they got a nice sponge
you can suck on.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was burnin' up.
Fortunately, in my coma mind,
things were more comfortable.
Wakey, wakey...
before the arthritis
makes you achy.
[ Applause, Cheers ]
Hey, Earl.
Hey, Mrs. Earl.
[ Woman In Audience ]
Randy!
Randy, we're lookin'
at photo albums.
Have a seat.
Okay. But the doctor said
I have to be careful so I don't
sit on my balls again.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Chuckles ]
Randy, you remember that?
The time you got hit
in the head?
Hey, where's
the bologna?
E = mc2.
E pluribus unum.
In a right triangle,
the sum of the squared sides
equal the hypotenuse squared.
Hey, where's
the bologna?
[ Snoring ]
Remember this one?
That was
a very special time.
Okay, Randy. Show me on the bear
where the bad neighbor
touched you.
He doesn't have one.
[ Audience ]
Aw!
Can I get a refill on this?
Wow. He really is
in a coma.
That's horrible...
and funny
all at the same time.
You know, for someone
in a wheelchair, you're
not very inspirational.
Well, well, well.
Who's your friend?
What do you care?
You broke up with me.
[ Sighs ]
I told you, Tiffany.
I don't get close.
People leave, or in my case,
they run over your legs
with a Ford Bronco,
take the kids...
and then leave.
[ Chair Bangs ]
What you lookin' at,
Risky Business?
I bet you just added a pint
to your catheter bag, huh.
You know what, Randy?
There is somethin' Earl
can do for me.
To cross you
off his list?
Yeah. I am dyin'
to get back together
with T.R.
I-I know he's rough
around the edges,
but when he kisses me,
he sends shivers
halfway down my spine.
Help me make him jealous.
Earl's in.
[ Referee ]
Play ball!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Tiffany figured the best way
to make T.R. jealous...
was to show me off
in front of all his friends.
And all his friends
were at killerball.
That's a game where people
who are already hurt try
to hurt each other much worse.
Oh, yeah, and sometimes
they try to score a goal.
[ Crowd Exclaims ]
[ Crowd Whistling, Clamoring ]
[ Referee ]
Break it up!
[ Earl Narrating ] Tiffany
was workin' hard to make it
look like I was quite a catch.
[ Laughing Loudly ]
Oh, Earl,
you are so funny.
[ Grunting ]
[ Referee ]
Break it up, guys.
Earl looks bad, Randy.
His skin is piqued,
he's wheezin'--
And his mustache--
Where's its normal
body and bounce?
You don't think it kills me
to see his mustache like that?
But crossin' things off the list
is the only way he's gonna start
to get better again.
Besides, he's not that bad. See?
Maybe he got used to my finger.
Gimme your keys.
Randy, he doesn't need a car key
shoved in his ear.
How do you know?
You're not a doctor.
He just needs to cross somethin'
off the list again.
Tiffany, make out with him,
but stop if he starts to choke.
Yes, please have her
stick her tongue
in the zombie's mouth,
'cause this situation
ain't quite wrong enough
as it is.
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Referee ]
Play ball!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy had high hopes,
but unfortunately,
T.R. was havin'
such a great game,
he didn't seem
to notice us at all.
[ Referee ]
Goal, the red team.
[ Whistle Blows ]
- Look at him out there,
showboatin'.
- Yeah!
That kind of showboatin'
got you in that chair, you jerk!
I love you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
As captain of the other team,
Tiffany's brother, Brett,
wasn't takin' things so well.
I didn't jump out of an airplane
with what turned out to be
a torn parachute,
land spine-first
on a tractor--
miraculously unharmed--
only to have my sister
fall out of the sky
and snap my C7...
so I could end up
playing on a team
full of wussies!
Now get out there
and kick some chair, damn it!
Yeah!
Whoo! Yeah!
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
[ Man ]
What's he doing?
Oh, uh, yeah.
I forgot to tell you guys.
Um, I can sort of walk.
[ Blows Whistle ]
[ Man ]
You're a cheater!
[ Crowd Protesting, Booing ]
You're down a man, ace.
Looks like you gonna
have to forfeit.
Over my half-dead body.
[ Scoffs ]
Look, we need another player
or we're out of the game.
Your brother helps me win this,
he can cross me off his list.
How's he gonna
play in a game?
He can't even hold
a lit cigarette in his mouth
to take a funny picture.
Without the cigarette,
he was just a naked guy
layin' in the mud.
I feel it's only fair
to tell you, Randy.
I've decided if this ends
the way I think it's going to,
I will
be testifying against you.
- No hard feelings.
- This has to be
what karma wants,
otherwise all the decisions
I made up till now
would have been terrible.
[ Blows Whistle ]
One minute!
- Well, is he in or out?
- Put him in, Randy.
If T.R. loses
to my new boyfriend,
it'll drive him insane.
I'm sorry, guys.
But if Earl's gonna die,
he's gonna die like a man--
tryin' to cross things
off his list...
while he's playin' a stupid game
he doesn't even understand.
- Let's do this!
- [ Man ]
Yeah!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I was
about to do somethin' crazy,
and I wasn't even awake for it.
But in my mind,
I'd lived through
a whole lifetime of wacky stuff.
There's Joy and Darnell
before they moved
to Florida.
Remember how she used
to burst in and insult us
for no reason?
Huh. Sure glad that
never happens anymore.
Howdy-ho,
you dried-up old bastards.
[ Audience Cheering ]
- Hey, old Earl.
- Hey, old Crabman.
Remember when Earl's
twin brother from the city
came to visit?
[ Audience Applauds ]
Oh, thanks for lettin'
me stay here, Earl.
I so needed a vacay.
Things are not going well
with the missus.
[ Earl Narrating ]
In real life, it didn't look
like I'd make it to old age.
But lucky for me,
Randy had a degree in joystick
from the University of Pac-Man.
[ Imitating Pac-Man
Game Sounds ]
- He kept me safe.
- ** [ Humming Pac-Man Theme ]
And, in a moment
I wish I remembered,
Randy even helped me
score the game-tying goal.
- [ Whistle Blows ]
- Yeah!
[ Player Grunting ]
Geez!
[ Earl Narrating ] The clock
was runnin' down. The score
was tied, and we had the ball.
Come on!
Let's cut 'em off at the knees!
No offense, Paul.
[ Earl Narrating ] Pressure was
on, and we needed all the help
from karma we could get.
But karma works
in mysterious ways.
[ Sneezes ]
Suddenly it seemed
like Randy's chance to cross
Brett and Tiffany off my list...
- was slippin'
just out of his reach.
- [ Beeping ]
** [ Hip-hop On Player ]
But knockin'
that remote around...
did activate
the dancing bubbles function
on my pimp chair.
** [ Hip-hop Continues ]
- Randy!
- Hold on, Earl!
** [ Switches Off ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
-Somebody get him!
-[ Earl Narrating ]
If someone was gonna stop T.R.,
it would have to be me,
with some help from Tiffany--
-I love you, Earl!
-who finally found the magic
words to get under T.R.'s skin.
I love you and your
fully functioning penis!
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's when T.R. realized...
that there was something
he cared about
more than killerball-- Tiffany.
I did it.
I made him jealous.
[ Roars ]
And thanks
to the ricochet off my face,
I also helped
my childhood neighbor
win the game.
[ Whistle Blows ]
Yea!
Yeah! He did it!
Earl crossed the Hensons
off his list.
Karma's gonna love this.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Crossin' those two people
off my list...
scored me
a few points with karma,
but it wasn't enough.
Turns out, karma's
a little like killerball.
Sometimes you just need
one more point to win the game.
And Randy had helped me
score a point across town
without even knowin' it.
Hey, Derrick? Since that guy
snuck in my car,
I've been kinda scared
driving alone.
Wanna carpool?
[ Earl Narrating ]
By puttin' me in the backseat
of that woman's car,
Randy not only helped Derrick
get to work on time,
but also got him a little closer
to gettin' a new girlfriend.
Sometimes when you try
to do good things, you don't
see any results at all.
But that doesn't mean
you should stop doin' 'em.
That last boost of karma
pushed me over the edge.
Suddenly, coma world didn't feel
like the right place to be.
It wasn't real.
It was time to get back
to my life, and karma came
to give me a lift.
And just like that, I was home.
- Earl!
- Randy?
Well, I'll be damned.
Oh, my God.
Somebody get him
some gum.
You got some bangin'
coma breath, baby.
Earl, you're back.
Are you back?
I-I think so.
I was havin'
this crazy dream.
We were all real old,
and we had spent
our whole lives together.
That doesn't sound crazy.
That sounds just about perfect.
And I was married to Billie.
"Billy"?
Who's he?
Oh, crap.
I think the coma
made him gay.
Like most month-old vegetables,
the hospital wanted
to throw me out.
We can put him
in county-run, long-term care,
or...
you can take him off our hands
and receive a one-time payment
of $2000 in Camden Cash,
redeemable at more
than six local businesses.
Paintball! Karma wouldn't dangle
paintball in front of us if it
weren't a sign. We'll take it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy felt he'd made
the right choice,
and everywhere he looked,
he saw proof of that.
How cool is it that right when
I got tired of carrying you,
karma made a supermarket?
Karma rocks.
Brace yourself.
That's good, Earl.
You didn't pee that time.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
When you're in a coma,
gettin' pushed down
the street in a shopping cart,
things go pretty slow.
But in my mind,
time was flyin' by.
Fifty years
in this old house.
We sure do have
a lot of memories.
Speak for yourself.
I can't remember
what I had for breakfast.
[ Audience Laughing ]
Do you remember
the time that we got
into that huge fight,
and neither one of us
wanted to move out?
Yeah.
[ Crying ]
[ Sniffs ]
Your side needs
its diaper changed.
Remember when our own kids
stopped bein' cute,
and Cousin Wendall
came and stayed with us?
Why, Cousin Wendall,
what a surprise.
What are you doing here?
My parents are dead,
so I'm movin' in
with my favorite cousins...
on the honky side.
That irrepressible scamp
certainly turned our world
upside down.
- [ Earl Chuckles ]
- Earl!
Hey, Earl!
Randy, wait up.
Hey, Patty.
Look what I bought
at the store.
Just kiddin'. It's Earl.
I just brought him home
from the hospital.
He's still got
a touch of the coma.
Yeah, they're
a tough thing to shake.
I missed a lot of my 30s
like that.
Well, he's not gonna be
in it that long.
I mean, he's almost
back to normal already.
Watch.
Every opening I stick
my finger in, I get
a different reaction.
Huh.
Sounds a lot like my job.
Hey, I got a wheelchair
I can sell you.
Does it have a shelf underneath?
'Cause this shopping cart's got
a real good shelf underneath.
Well, it's a pretty nice chair.
It used to belong
to this pimp friend
of mine, Snooky.
He got rid of it
'cause he thought people
didn't respect the chair.
Now he has one of his bitches
carry him around on a backpack,
Yoda style.
** [ Hip-hop ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy loved
the Yoda backpack idea,
but once he saw
Snooky's wheelchair,
that looked even better.
It had everything
a crippled pimp could want:
a bumpin' sound system,
spinner hubcaps, a hook
for a sock full of batteries--
- It even had a little shelf.
- ** [ Continues ]
Oh, snap! Darnell,
I'm tempted to cripple you
just to get one of those.
- I'm tempted
to let you do it.
- ** [ Switches Off ]
Did the hospital need the bed?
It's nice to see they throw
white folks out too.
Actually, I could have sent him
to long-term care,
but karma offered us
paintball, Camden Cash
and a wheelchair.
So, obviously,
I'm doin' the right thing.
So, you're just going
to take care of Earl
by yourself?
Remember when you turtle-sat
the first Mr. Turtle and he
ended up outside of his shell,
and you shoved him back in
like I wouldn't notice?
These are the things
that make me worry.
Randy, you can't do this.
Trust me. I know what it takes
to take care of somebody.
I've proven that three times
to Child Services.
Would you guys leave me alone?
He's fine. I've already been
lookin' after him a whole day.
It's your favorite, Earl:
Chubby's Chicken with fries
and a couple of beers.
It's gonna taste so good
in your blood.
[ Women ]
* Bye-bye, blues
* Bye-bye, blues
* Don't cry, don't sigh
[ Shower Running ]
* The sun is shinin'
No more pinin' *
* Smilin' through
* Don't sigh, don't cry
* Bye-bye
Bye-bye, blues **
Plus, the best part
about Earl bein' out
of the hospital...
is he can start doin'
stuff from the list
on his own.
If karma was makin' him
a little bit better when we
were crossing things off,
just think how much better
he'll get if he starts
crossing 'em off himself.
Randy,
is this a gum wrapper
in his mouth?
Yeah, I wasn't near a trash can.
Here's one he could
definitely do on his own:
number 241--
"Made Derrick Stone
late for work."
[ Earl Narrating ]
In every neighborhood,
there's people...
that annoy everybody else
by working odd hours.
In the trailer park,
those hours are 9:00 to 5:00.
[ Engine Starts ]
How about
a little respect,
jackass?
It's not even 9:00
in the mornin'.
You know we were up until 5:00.
You yelled at us at 4:30.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I just don't wanna be
late for work.
[ Earl Narrating ]
So to make sure
we got a good day's sleep,
me and Randy decided
to put in a good night's work.
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
Son of a bitch!
[ Chirp ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy talked to Derrick...
and found out being late was
just the start of his problems.
I showed up late for work,
got fired.
My girlfriend said she didn't
date losers, so she broke up
with me. My own personal 9/11.
And it was
actually September 11.
I'm not being dramatic.
Well, you won't be late anymore.
Now you can drive
in the car pool lane,
'cause I put Earl
in your backseat.
So can I cross you off the list?
I guess.
I take the bus now.
Sold that car
to the lady next door.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming, Whimpers ]
[ Thuds ]
You're right, Earl.
Your mother's dress
is see-through
in this picture.
What kind
of 95-year-old woman
doesn't wear underwear?
[ Earl Narrating ]
After finding a bitchin' pair
of truck stop sunglasses...
to cover up
my red, swollen eyes,
Randy tried to find a list item
I could do in a coma.
That turned out
to be a lot harder.
Number 116--
"Rolled John Fenster
down a hill in a porta-potty."
Do you think Earl would mind
if we did that to him?
If you were in a coma, would you
want someone rollin' you down
a hill in a porta-potty?
Let me think.
Huh. Huh.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Oh, no.
No, I would not.
Here we go.
Earl could do this
on his own. It's perfect.
Number 126-- "Stole
from the Henson kids."
[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy
were jealous of our neighbors
Brett and Tiffany Henson...
'cause their folks took 'em
on such great vacations.
- Oh, man.
They got to go to Hawaii.
- We'll do it next week.
Man, they got to go
to Mystery Fun Land.
[ Man ]
Who wants pizza?
Oh, man.
They got to go skydiving.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Not only did they get
to go on cool vacations,
now they didn't have
to walk places either.
That's when I decided
I wanted in on their fun.
Let's go!
Excuse me.
Could you at least
roll us into the shade?
Anyway, I didn't know
where I could find you,
so I thought--
What, that you'd look for us
in the wheelchair bar?
We're in wheelchairs,
so we have to be
in the wheelchair bar?
- Is that it?
- But you are here.
Only 'cause it's ladies' night.
In an hour, this place is gonna
be wheel-to-wheel bitches.
Frankly, Earl deserves
to be in a coma after
what you did to us.
We fried like bacon out there.
Which is why I left Earl
outside on the blacktop.
[ Bird Shrieks ]
So you had to lie in the sun,
now he has to lie in the sun.
That seems pretty even.
I got leg-humped by a Doberman.
I got shoulder-humped
by a Doberman...
to completion.
Oh, yeah.
[ Laughing ]
[ Continues Laughing ]
Oh. Oh.
So can I cross you
off the list now?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy had failed to charm
the pants off Brett and Tiffany,
but a homeless guy was havin'
much better luck with me.
Hey! Get away from here!
You need nicer pants so bad,
go home and get a pair.
And get a haircut
while you're at it.
You look like a bum.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, man, you look thirsty, Earl.
Let's go inside and see
if they got a nice sponge
you can suck on.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I was burnin' up.
Fortunately, in my coma mind,
things were more comfortable.
Wakey, wakey...
before the arthritis
makes you achy.
[ Applause, Cheers ]
Hey, Earl.
Hey, Mrs. Earl.
[ Woman In Audience ]
Randy!
Randy, we're lookin'
at photo albums.
Have a seat.
Okay. But the doctor said
I have to be careful so I don't
sit on my balls again.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Chuckles ]
Randy, you remember that?
The time you got hit
in the head?
Hey, where's
the bologna?
E = mc2.
E pluribus unum.
In a right triangle,
the sum of the squared sides
equal the hypotenuse squared.
Hey, where's
the bologna?
[ Snoring ]
Remember this one?
That was
a very special time.
Okay, Randy. Show me on the bear
where the bad neighbor
touched you.
He doesn't have one.
[ Audience ]
Aw!
Can I get a refill on this?
Wow. He really is
in a coma.
That's horrible...
and funny
all at the same time.
You know, for someone
in a wheelchair, you're
not very inspirational.
Well, well, well.
Who's your friend?
What do you care?
You broke up with me.
[ Sighs ]
I told you, Tiffany.
I don't get close.
People leave, or in my case,
they run over your legs
with a Ford Bronco,
take the kids...
and then leave.
[ Chair Bangs ]
What you lookin' at,
Risky Business?
I bet you just added a pint
to your catheter bag, huh.
You know what, Randy?
There is somethin' Earl
can do for me.
To cross you
off his list?
Yeah. I am dyin'
to get back together
with T.R.
I-I know he's rough
around the edges,
but when he kisses me,
he sends shivers
halfway down my spine.
Help me make him jealous.
Earl's in.
[ Referee ]
Play ball!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Tiffany figured the best way
to make T.R. jealous...
was to show me off
in front of all his friends.
And all his friends
were at killerball.
That's a game where people
who are already hurt try
to hurt each other much worse.
Oh, yeah, and sometimes
they try to score a goal.
[ Crowd Exclaims ]
[ Crowd Whistling, Clamoring ]
[ Referee ]
Break it up!
[ Earl Narrating ] Tiffany
was workin' hard to make it
look like I was quite a catch.
[ Laughing Loudly ]
Oh, Earl,
you are so funny.
[ Grunting ]
[ Referee ]
Break it up, guys.
Earl looks bad, Randy.
His skin is piqued,
he's wheezin'--
And his mustache--
Where's its normal
body and bounce?
You don't think it kills me
to see his mustache like that?
But crossin' things off the list
is the only way he's gonna start
to get better again.
Besides, he's not that bad. See?
Maybe he got used to my finger.
Gimme your keys.
Randy, he doesn't need a car key
shoved in his ear.
How do you know?
You're not a doctor.
He just needs to cross somethin'
off the list again.
Tiffany, make out with him,
but stop if he starts to choke.
Yes, please have her
stick her tongue
in the zombie's mouth,
'cause this situation
ain't quite wrong enough
as it is.
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Referee ]
Play ball!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy had high hopes,
but unfortunately,
T.R. was havin'
such a great game,
he didn't seem
to notice us at all.
[ Referee ]
Goal, the red team.
[ Whistle Blows ]
- Look at him out there,
showboatin'.
- Yeah!
That kind of showboatin'
got you in that chair, you jerk!
I love you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
As captain of the other team,
Tiffany's brother, Brett,
wasn't takin' things so well.
I didn't jump out of an airplane
with what turned out to be
a torn parachute,
land spine-first
on a tractor--
miraculously unharmed--
only to have my sister
fall out of the sky
and snap my C7...
so I could end up
playing on a team
full of wussies!
Now get out there
and kick some chair, damn it!
Yeah!
Whoo! Yeah!
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
[ Man ]
What's he doing?
Oh, uh, yeah.
I forgot to tell you guys.
Um, I can sort of walk.
[ Blows Whistle ]
[ Man ]
You're a cheater!
[ Crowd Protesting, Booing ]
You're down a man, ace.
Looks like you gonna
have to forfeit.
Over my half-dead body.
[ Scoffs ]
Look, we need another player
or we're out of the game.
Your brother helps me win this,
he can cross me off his list.
How's he gonna
play in a game?
He can't even hold
a lit cigarette in his mouth
to take a funny picture.
Without the cigarette,
he was just a naked guy
layin' in the mud.
I feel it's only fair
to tell you, Randy.
I've decided if this ends
the way I think it's going to,
I will
be testifying against you.
- No hard feelings.
- This has to be
what karma wants,
otherwise all the decisions
I made up till now
would have been terrible.
[ Blows Whistle ]
One minute!
- Well, is he in or out?
- Put him in, Randy.
If T.R. loses
to my new boyfriend,
it'll drive him insane.
I'm sorry, guys.
But if Earl's gonna die,
he's gonna die like a man--
tryin' to cross things
off his list...
while he's playin' a stupid game
he doesn't even understand.
- Let's do this!
- [ Man ]
Yeah!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Earl Narrating ] I was
about to do somethin' crazy,
and I wasn't even awake for it.
But in my mind,
I'd lived through
a whole lifetime of wacky stuff.
There's Joy and Darnell
before they moved
to Florida.
Remember how she used
to burst in and insult us
for no reason?
Huh. Sure glad that
never happens anymore.
Howdy-ho,
you dried-up old bastards.
[ Audience Cheering ]
- Hey, old Earl.
- Hey, old Crabman.
Remember when Earl's
twin brother from the city
came to visit?
[ Audience Applauds ]
Oh, thanks for lettin'
me stay here, Earl.
I so needed a vacay.
Things are not going well
with the missus.
[ Earl Narrating ]
In real life, it didn't look
like I'd make it to old age.
But lucky for me,
Randy had a degree in joystick
from the University of Pac-Man.
[ Imitating Pac-Man
Game Sounds ]
- He kept me safe.
- ** [ Humming Pac-Man Theme ]
And, in a moment
I wish I remembered,
Randy even helped me
score the game-tying goal.
- [ Whistle Blows ]
- Yeah!
[ Player Grunting ]
Geez!
[ Earl Narrating ] The clock
was runnin' down. The score
was tied, and we had the ball.
Come on!
Let's cut 'em off at the knees!
No offense, Paul.
[ Earl Narrating ] Pressure was
on, and we needed all the help
from karma we could get.
But karma works
in mysterious ways.
[ Sneezes ]
Suddenly it seemed
like Randy's chance to cross
Brett and Tiffany off my list...
- was slippin'
just out of his reach.
- [ Beeping ]
** [ Hip-hop On Player ]
But knockin'
that remote around...
did activate
the dancing bubbles function
on my pimp chair.
** [ Hip-hop Continues ]
- Randy!
- Hold on, Earl!
** [ Switches Off ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
-Somebody get him!
-[ Earl Narrating ]
If someone was gonna stop T.R.,
it would have to be me,
with some help from Tiffany--
-I love you, Earl!
-who finally found the magic
words to get under T.R.'s skin.
I love you and your
fully functioning penis!
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's when T.R. realized...
that there was something
he cared about
more than killerball-- Tiffany.
I did it.
I made him jealous.
[ Roars ]
And thanks
to the ricochet off my face,
I also helped
my childhood neighbor
win the game.
[ Whistle Blows ]
Yea!
Yeah! He did it!
Earl crossed the Hensons
off his list.
Karma's gonna love this.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Crossin' those two people
off my list...
scored me
a few points with karma,
but it wasn't enough.
Turns out, karma's
a little like killerball.
Sometimes you just need
one more point to win the game.
And Randy had helped me
score a point across town
without even knowin' it.
Hey, Derrick? Since that guy
snuck in my car,
I've been kinda scared
driving alone.
Wanna carpool?
[ Earl Narrating ]
By puttin' me in the backseat
of that woman's car,
Randy not only helped Derrick
get to work on time,
but also got him a little closer
to gettin' a new girlfriend.
Sometimes when you try
to do good things, you don't
see any results at all.
But that doesn't mean
you should stop doin' 'em.
That last boost of karma
pushed me over the edge.
Suddenly, coma world didn't feel
like the right place to be.
It wasn't real.
It was time to get back
to my life, and karma came
to give me a lift.
And just like that, I was home.
- Earl!
- Randy?
Well, I'll be damned.
Oh, my God.
Somebody get him
some gum.
You got some bangin'
coma breath, baby.
Earl, you're back.
Are you back?
I-I think so.
I was havin'
this crazy dream.
We were all real old,
and we had spent
our whole lives together.
That doesn't sound crazy.
That sounds just about perfect.
And I was married to Billie.
"Billy"?
Who's he?
Oh, crap.
I think the coma
made him gay.