My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 3, Episode 13 - Bad Earl - full transcript
Earl is out of prison, but he and Randy are broke and homeless. So when he sees Ralph living the good life doing bad things, he declares that there is no karma and throws away the list.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ] When Randy crossed
something off my list and / got better...
he realized that while / may be out
of the reach of modern medicine...
- / wasn't out of the reach ofkarma.
- The list!
How's Earl gonna pick somethin'
from the list?
- All he does is lay there and drool.
- Then l'll pick for him.
How's that any better?
You just stand there and drool.
You're right.
Earl should pick.
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy and Joy
were nervous about me being in a coma...
but my mind had a trick
for dealing with the stress.
Back when / was a kid
and things were bad...
/ would escape into
the comfortable world of television.
Harriet! What's that kayak
doing in the kitchen?
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's what my mind was doing again.
So while on the outside,
my body was laying still...
on the inside, / had a life
with Billie that was moving along great.
l have some exciting news,
but you can't tell Earl.
l'm pregnant.
- l know that!
- [ Audience Laughing ]
Delivery boy at the supermarket told me
you didn't buy lady pads this month.
You know what, Randy?
l'm gonna surprise Billie by ordering in
some of this take-out Chinese food...
that all these celebrities are talking about.
Well, l am so glad you met
with the gyno l recommended.
Oh, yeah, he's def/nitely
the guy for me.
His hands are warm,
and he doesn't rush through it...
and make you feel like
you're just another number.
He is such a catch.
The girls are gonna be so jealous you got him.
Oh, l know.
And l was so excited when l left...
l forgot to pay his fee.
His fee?
Earl, l think your wife's
seeing a gigolo.
Come on, Earl, drool.
l think his mouth is dry.
Maybe we should spit in it.
Shut up.
Here it comes.
''Stole a motorcycle.''
Aw, man.
[ Earl Narrating ] One afternoon, me and
Randy were poking around the neighborhood...
scoping out stuff to steal.
We called it
''taking a crime walk. ''
- Aw, check out the hog.
- Dibs. Where is she?
Then you don't have to worry about it.
And l could care less what you do with it.
You have absolutely no respect
for anybody's stuff.
- You know you lost it.
- zlisten, l didn't lose the gas tank.
You had it last, because
l remember thinking...
''Wow, my father's
actually working.''
Well, l know it's not up your butt,
'cause that's where your head is.
Guys, check it out.
l'm a speed skater.
You think your brother needs
another shot in the head,you moron?
[ Earl Narrating ] A motorcycle with the keys
in it was the best thing to fall in our laps...
- since Mitzy the stripper
passed out on us at Club Chubby.
- Whoo!
[ Earl ]
Whoo!Jackie!
Once we got the motorcycle,
we decided to have some fun.
zlife is awesome!
And whenever we were having fun,
we loved to add beer...
and rum and tequila...
- and whatever malt liquor was on sale.
- [ Groans ]
Ow.
Randy!
[ Both zlaughing ]
Next thing we knew,
it was morning.
Randy, wake up.
We're on a school bus.
What?
How'd we get here?
l don't remember anything
from last night.
Probably best if you don't.
Great. Now you just gotta
return that motorcycle.
But l have no idea
what we did with it.
l was black-out drunk
that night.
lt's too bad Earl's in a coma, 'cause he was
just plain old wake-up-in-a-school-bus drunk.
- He'd remember.
- Come on. Think hard.
Something's coming back.
Aw, it left.
lt's coming back.
There it goes again.
lt's fast.
Now it's just a naked lady.
Oh, it's a dude.
l don't wanna do this anymore.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy tried
to f/gure out where to f/nd the bike...
in my coma mind, / was dealing
with problems of my own.
So, that's the plan.
l'll pretend to go to work tomorrow...
and when this gigolo
comes over to see my wife...
he'll get a rendezvous
with more than just Billie.
Off to work, honey.
Won't be back till 5:00.
[ Audience Laughs ]
.'.'[''Yakety Sax'']
- [ Screams ]
- [ Gasps ]
Earl, what are you doing?
Surprising you, 'cause
you were getting all dolled up...
expecting some gigolo
to come over.
Are you crazy?
The only two things l'm expecting...
are to see my doctor...
and to have your baby.
- [ Audience ] Aww.
- We're having a baby?
My own baby, who'll be my color
and actually looks like me.
- [ zlaughs ]
- [ Audience Applauds ]
But wait a minute.
What aboutJoy saying he's a catch...
and the other girls are gonna
be so jealous you got him?
Because he's so popular,
he rarely takes on new patients.
l mean, even the smallest thing
can make him say no.
l got him, Earl,
and he's a real sicko.
He said he's been seeing
our mom for years.
[ Audience Laughing ]
[ Earl's Voice ]
The Hickeys will be right back.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy didn't remember what
we did with the motorcycle...
so he went to seeJasper,
who'd recently been in the paper...
for surviving more gunshot
wounds than 50 Cent.
l remember that day.
lt was like, uh, 2:30 in the afternoon.
You and Earl came in,
just brain-dead, butt-ugly wasted.
Sorry about saying ''brain-dead,''
with your brother in a coma and all.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out me and Randy had spent about an hour...
trying to convinceJasper
to buy the motorcycle that day.
zlook, l'm sorry, guys,
but l can't resell it.
l just think it's wrong to sell something
that jeopardizes customer safety.
What? You sold hand grenades
to a high school football team.
Hey, they said
that was for a prank.
Hey, how much is the chicken suit?
- [ zlaughs ]
- How's this?
You give me the chain off
the motorcycle and it's yours.
l didn't need the chain.Just didn't
want you driving around Camden all wasted.
l have kids, you know.
l mean, l don't know who
they are or if they exist...
but l used to have
a lot of unprotected sex.
So do you know where
we went next?
All l know is, you wanted to wear the chicken suit
to Nickel Wing Day at the Crab Shack.
l believe you said, and l quote,
''People would be eating their wings...
''then l would come in,
and they'd be like...
'Oh, God! lt's a giant chicken
come for revenge!'''
That sounds like me.
My comedy always has a message.
l have to tell you, Randy, doing Earl's list
to make him better is genius.
That's whatJoy said too.
Then she called me ''dummy,'' which hurt a little...
but it really made me value the moment
where she called me ''genius.''
See, Darnell?
People love it when l call 'em names.
Butt-wipe, douche bag, dummy.
lt's like sprinkles
on the ice cream cones of conversation.
zlook, l do remember something
about that night with the motorcycle.
Honestly, l hoped it
would never come up again.
l mistakenly believed you
and your brother's silence on the matter...
meant you felt appropriately
ashamed of your behavior.
[ Earl Narrating ]
As it turns out, that afternoon...
me and Randy pushed the motorcycle
into the Crab Shack...
and engaged in what my dad calls
''general jackassery. ''
- You're eatin' my baby!
- [ Gasps ]
[ zlaughs ]
Hey, Earl, you guys
have got to stop!
The table in the back
just passed out from exhaust...
and the giant chicken thing
is freaking people out!
- [ Screams ]
- [ Gasps ]
Don't worry, Crabman.
l'll stop the chicken.
l know how to speak
their language.
?? [ Humming ''The Chicken Dance'' ]
Problem solved.
Oh. That explains
why that sign is there.
Anyway, when you heard the cops were coming,
you pushed the bike out
and went on the run with it.
- That's the last l saw of you.
- Man, one clue at a time.
This is like what someone told me reading
a book is like. Okay, what'd we do next?
Not sure.
But we should talk to Homeless Joe.
l seem to remember he mentioned
seeing you guys do something freaky that night.
Plus, l haven't visited him since
he got married to Shopping Cart Kim.
l owe him a congratulations.
l don't know anything
about a motorcycle.
Saw you at midnight.
You and your brother were
driving tiny little cars.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Homeless Joe was kinda right.
Randy was driving a tiny little car,
but / was driving a tiny little plane.
Help! Help!
Damn it, Randy! Pull over!
Pull over!
- [ Screams ]
- [ Earl Narrating ]
And as good as the day had been...
me and Randy were no longer
having fun.
Something had gone terribly wrong.
[ Man ].' Woke up this morning
My liver said to me.'
.' Come on, boy
Let that alcohol be.'
- .' Go to detox
Like father, like son.'
- [ Both Grunting ]
- .'A.A. meetings, here / come
Yeah, /'m a wreck.'
- [ Randy Groans ]
- .'Feel like a big piece of trash.'
- Son of a bitch! Aah!
.'My whole life's in pieces
Everything around me smells like feces.'
- Time to die!
- [ Randy Screams ]
[ Screams ]
- Earl tried to kill me?
- Now, hold on, Randy.
Maybe there's some mistake.
Son, l know what l saw.
l can't vouch for what l heard...
'cause there's a beetle living in my ear,
but l know what l saw.
l can't believe Earl
tried to kill me.
l'm Randy. Earl wouldn't
try to kill Randy.
That'd be like peanut butter
trying to kill jelly.
Peanut butter wouldn't kill jelly.
They're in the same sandwich.
l can't believe
Earl tried to kill me.
We've been brothers for l don't know how long,
and now l flnd out this?
Hold on a second.
We only have Homeless Joe's word on that.
And Homeless Joe has been known
to exaggerate the truth.
Remember, he's the one who got the town
convinced the Carter sisters were witches.
l'm still with Homeless Joe on that.
lf they weren't witches, they should have floated.
You got the superstition backwards.
Witches float.
lnnocent people, like
the Carter sisters, sink.
Whatever.
They're gone now.
The point is, we need more information.
We can't go after Earl
with the same kind of witch-hunt hysteria...
that sweeps through Camden every two years.
You know what we gotta do? We gotta work
backwards to flnd out what really happened.
zlike when you rewound that videotape to see
if Sharon Stone really flashed her undersmile.
She did show her undersmile.
That's right. And l'm sure if we rewind the night
to where you were before Homeless Joe...
we'll flnd out if Earl
showed his undersmile too.
Metaphorically speaking.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy,
/oy and Darnell went to retrace our steps...
well,you know what / was doing.
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
Earl, it's time.
My water broke.
l'll call a plumber
in the morning.
Oh, my God!
Your water broke!
Remember, short breaths.
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
Hurry, Earl.
l think we're getting closer!
Don't worry. We're in the hospital.
Everything's gonna be flne.
- Uh-oh.
- [ Elevator Rumbling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Since Edwin, the town dwarf,
had died, the only people around...
who wore tiny little hats and drove tiny little cars
were the Knights of Camden.
So Darnell suggested they
stop by to ask some questions.
Oh, my God.
Kill me when l'm 50.
Wake up.
Oh, hey, it's you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
They'd come to the right place.
/t ends up that night,
Randy had staggered his way...
into the Knights of Camden's
new-member mixer.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Come on in.
We could use a young fellow
like you around here.
We're dying off like crickets.
- .'.'[ Rock ]
- [ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was drunk when he got there...
but after an hour oflimbo
and all-you-can-drink gin rickeys...
he was in full party mode.
- Then / showed up.
- [ Man ].'La, la, la, la, limbo.'
You son of a bitch!
l'll kill you!
[ Screaming ]
Randy!
Randy!
Randy!
l got a picture of that night
right here.
lt's between the one
of dead zlouie and dead Frank.
So he did try to kill me.
l'm not even sad about it anymore.
l'm angry.
l mean, l'm still kinda sad,
but more angry than sad.
ls there a word for that?
'Cause there should be!
l'm feeling pretty ''terrhurtsible.''
Really, really ''terrhurtsible,''
with a touch of''sangry.''
Just calm down.
Hey, wrinkles, is there anything else
you can tell us about that night...
like where they might
have come from?
Well, the only other thing l know is,
the big guy here had his foot covered in tar...
and he tracked it
all over our dance floor.
Joy, does this antenna
look familiar?
Looks like panties
hanging on it.
Holy crap.
That's the ''pantenna.''
[ Earl Narrating ] The 'pantenna''used to be
a tradition in the trailer park.
After girls hooked up with a guy,
they'd shoot their panties at the antenna.
Story was, if they stuck,
it was true love.
/f they fell,
it was likely the clap.
[ Woman ]
Damn it./
- Bingo!
- zlook at that.
[ Randy ]
More tar footprints.
Great googly moogly!
There's the bike.
Damn. People sure do
have a lot of sex in this trailer park.
- Oh, watch your step. Those are the clap panties.
- Oh!
Oh, no. l remember what happened.
l remember it all.
[ Earl Narrating ] Suddenly the whole night
came rushing back to Randy.
After Darnell kicked us
out of the Crab Shack...
we knew the cops were looking
for the stolen bike...
so we decided to hide it where
no one would think to look-
on the roof of
Deaf Charlie's trailer.
We took the chain off an old chainsaw
and put it on the bike.
/t wasn't gonna last long,
but luckily we only had to drive 1 5 feet.
- Wish me luck.
- Be careful. l didn't build a very wide ramp.
[ Engine Starts ]
Earl, you did it!
You made it up the ramp!
l thought for sure
you were gonna-
[ Grunting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] We covered the bike
so nobody would see it from below.
Then / kicked down the ramp
and planned our escape.
Okay, the cops are gonna be looking
for a guy and a giant chicken.
But they're never gonna be looking
for two giant half-chickens.
- Give me your pants.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah. Cops are dumb.
[ Vehicle Approaching ]
- [ Siren Blares ]
- Get down, get down!
All right. They gotta be here somewhere.
There's yellow feathers everywhere.
Fan out.
- [ Hiccups ]
- Shut up!
l can't help it, Randy.
When l'm nervous and drunk, l get the hic-
[ Hiccups ]
Scotty, l think there's
somebody behind the trailer.
Rock smashes scissors.
Sucks to be you.
- [ Hiccups ]
- Shh.
- [ Hiccups ]
- Will you just shut up already?
[ Muffled Shouting ]
[ Shouting Stops ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
After about 1 0 minutes, the cops ran out of steam.
Unfortunately, so did /.
All right, they're gone.
zlet's get out of here.
Earl!
Earl?
Oh, God! l killed him.
l killed him.
l gotta think of what to do.
Think of what to do.
l gotta make like a banana and split.
[ Chuckles ]
Aw! Damn it! l flnally got to use that one,
and Earl was too dead to hear it.
lt just keeps gettin' worse.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was scared that now the cops...
would be out looking
for a murdering half-chicken...
so he ditched the suit
to go on the run.
Good-bye, Brother.
[ Thud ]
[ Gasps ]
That son of a bitch killed me!
That's when / broke off
the pantenna for a weapon...
and followed Randy's tar-covered footprints
to the Knights of Camden hall.
No wonder he tried to kill me.
l deserved it.
l killed him and went to a party with little old men
and played ''try to walk under the stick!''
- Well, everyone grieves differently.
- No! No! l'm a terrible brother.
l should be the one
in the coma!
[ Thud ]
- [Joy ] You in a coma?
- No.
You wanna go return the motorcycle
so we can get it crossed off Earl's list?
Yeah.
[ Earl Narrating ] Those chopper guys
were pretty glad to get their bike back...
but Randy
was still feeling rotten.
That's how they stole it.
Which one of you jackasses
left the keys in the bike?
Well, Earl,
we found the motorcycle.
l also found out l tried to kill you flrst.
[ Weeping ]
l'm so sorry.
l'm a terrible brother.
[ Crying ]
- [ Crying ]
- [ Audience ] Aww.
[ Banging ]
Randy? How'd you get up there?
Oh, l fell a long way.
Well, guess what.
You're an uncle.
Okay, Earl. We crossed
''Stole a motorcycle'' off your list.
/ hope you forgive me.
Okay, Earl. Billie and the baby are safe.
Now it's your turn.
Grab hold.
[ Audience Applauding ]
He squeezed me!
He squeezed me!
We better get the doctor.
l'm gonna keep doing list items
until you're all better, Earl.
[ Whispering ]
l love you.
[ Monitor Beeping Rapidly ]
Hugging's good.
l'm gonna keep huggin'
you all night.
[ Monitor Beeping Rapidly ]
[ Earl Narrating ] When Randy crossed
something off my list and / got better...
he realized that while / may be out
of the reach of modern medicine...
- / wasn't out of the reach ofkarma.
- The list!
How's Earl gonna pick somethin'
from the list?
- All he does is lay there and drool.
- Then l'll pick for him.
How's that any better?
You just stand there and drool.
You're right.
Earl should pick.
[ Earl Narrating ] Randy and Joy
were nervous about me being in a coma...
but my mind had a trick
for dealing with the stress.
Back when / was a kid
and things were bad...
/ would escape into
the comfortable world of television.
Harriet! What's that kayak
doing in the kitchen?
[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's what my mind was doing again.
So while on the outside,
my body was laying still...
on the inside, / had a life
with Billie that was moving along great.
l have some exciting news,
but you can't tell Earl.
l'm pregnant.
- l know that!
- [ Audience Laughing ]
Delivery boy at the supermarket told me
you didn't buy lady pads this month.
You know what, Randy?
l'm gonna surprise Billie by ordering in
some of this take-out Chinese food...
that all these celebrities are talking about.
Well, l am so glad you met
with the gyno l recommended.
Oh, yeah, he's def/nitely
the guy for me.
His hands are warm,
and he doesn't rush through it...
and make you feel like
you're just another number.
He is such a catch.
The girls are gonna be so jealous you got him.
Oh, l know.
And l was so excited when l left...
l forgot to pay his fee.
His fee?
Earl, l think your wife's
seeing a gigolo.
Come on, Earl, drool.
l think his mouth is dry.
Maybe we should spit in it.
Shut up.
Here it comes.
''Stole a motorcycle.''
Aw, man.
[ Earl Narrating ] One afternoon, me and
Randy were poking around the neighborhood...
scoping out stuff to steal.
We called it
''taking a crime walk. ''
- Aw, check out the hog.
- Dibs. Where is she?
Then you don't have to worry about it.
And l could care less what you do with it.
You have absolutely no respect
for anybody's stuff.
- You know you lost it.
- zlisten, l didn't lose the gas tank.
You had it last, because
l remember thinking...
''Wow, my father's
actually working.''
Well, l know it's not up your butt,
'cause that's where your head is.
Guys, check it out.
l'm a speed skater.
You think your brother needs
another shot in the head,you moron?
[ Earl Narrating ] A motorcycle with the keys
in it was the best thing to fall in our laps...
- since Mitzy the stripper
passed out on us at Club Chubby.
- Whoo!
[ Earl ]
Whoo!Jackie!
Once we got the motorcycle,
we decided to have some fun.
zlife is awesome!
And whenever we were having fun,
we loved to add beer...
and rum and tequila...
- and whatever malt liquor was on sale.
- [ Groans ]
Ow.
Randy!
[ Both zlaughing ]
Next thing we knew,
it was morning.
Randy, wake up.
We're on a school bus.
What?
How'd we get here?
l don't remember anything
from last night.
Probably best if you don't.
Great. Now you just gotta
return that motorcycle.
But l have no idea
what we did with it.
l was black-out drunk
that night.
lt's too bad Earl's in a coma, 'cause he was
just plain old wake-up-in-a-school-bus drunk.
- He'd remember.
- Come on. Think hard.
Something's coming back.
Aw, it left.
lt's coming back.
There it goes again.
lt's fast.
Now it's just a naked lady.
Oh, it's a dude.
l don't wanna do this anymore.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy tried
to f/gure out where to f/nd the bike...
in my coma mind, / was dealing
with problems of my own.
So, that's the plan.
l'll pretend to go to work tomorrow...
and when this gigolo
comes over to see my wife...
he'll get a rendezvous
with more than just Billie.
Off to work, honey.
Won't be back till 5:00.
[ Audience Laughs ]
.'.'[''Yakety Sax'']
- [ Screams ]
- [ Gasps ]
Earl, what are you doing?
Surprising you, 'cause
you were getting all dolled up...
expecting some gigolo
to come over.
Are you crazy?
The only two things l'm expecting...
are to see my doctor...
and to have your baby.
- [ Audience ] Aww.
- We're having a baby?
My own baby, who'll be my color
and actually looks like me.
- [ zlaughs ]
- [ Audience Applauds ]
But wait a minute.
What aboutJoy saying he's a catch...
and the other girls are gonna
be so jealous you got him?
Because he's so popular,
he rarely takes on new patients.
l mean, even the smallest thing
can make him say no.
l got him, Earl,
and he's a real sicko.
He said he's been seeing
our mom for years.
[ Audience Laughing ]
[ Earl's Voice ]
The Hickeys will be right back.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy didn't remember what
we did with the motorcycle...
so he went to seeJasper,
who'd recently been in the paper...
for surviving more gunshot
wounds than 50 Cent.
l remember that day.
lt was like, uh, 2:30 in the afternoon.
You and Earl came in,
just brain-dead, butt-ugly wasted.
Sorry about saying ''brain-dead,''
with your brother in a coma and all.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out me and Randy had spent about an hour...
trying to convinceJasper
to buy the motorcycle that day.
zlook, l'm sorry, guys,
but l can't resell it.
l just think it's wrong to sell something
that jeopardizes customer safety.
What? You sold hand grenades
to a high school football team.
Hey, they said
that was for a prank.
Hey, how much is the chicken suit?
- [ zlaughs ]
- How's this?
You give me the chain off
the motorcycle and it's yours.
l didn't need the chain.Just didn't
want you driving around Camden all wasted.
l have kids, you know.
l mean, l don't know who
they are or if they exist...
but l used to have
a lot of unprotected sex.
So do you know where
we went next?
All l know is, you wanted to wear the chicken suit
to Nickel Wing Day at the Crab Shack.
l believe you said, and l quote,
''People would be eating their wings...
''then l would come in,
and they'd be like...
'Oh, God! lt's a giant chicken
come for revenge!'''
That sounds like me.
My comedy always has a message.
l have to tell you, Randy, doing Earl's list
to make him better is genius.
That's whatJoy said too.
Then she called me ''dummy,'' which hurt a little...
but it really made me value the moment
where she called me ''genius.''
See, Darnell?
People love it when l call 'em names.
Butt-wipe, douche bag, dummy.
lt's like sprinkles
on the ice cream cones of conversation.
zlook, l do remember something
about that night with the motorcycle.
Honestly, l hoped it
would never come up again.
l mistakenly believed you
and your brother's silence on the matter...
meant you felt appropriately
ashamed of your behavior.
[ Earl Narrating ]
As it turns out, that afternoon...
me and Randy pushed the motorcycle
into the Crab Shack...
and engaged in what my dad calls
''general jackassery. ''
- You're eatin' my baby!
- [ Gasps ]
[ zlaughs ]
Hey, Earl, you guys
have got to stop!
The table in the back
just passed out from exhaust...
and the giant chicken thing
is freaking people out!
- [ Screams ]
- [ Gasps ]
Don't worry, Crabman.
l'll stop the chicken.
l know how to speak
their language.
?? [ Humming ''The Chicken Dance'' ]
Problem solved.
Oh. That explains
why that sign is there.
Anyway, when you heard the cops were coming,
you pushed the bike out
and went on the run with it.
- That's the last l saw of you.
- Man, one clue at a time.
This is like what someone told me reading
a book is like. Okay, what'd we do next?
Not sure.
But we should talk to Homeless Joe.
l seem to remember he mentioned
seeing you guys do something freaky that night.
Plus, l haven't visited him since
he got married to Shopping Cart Kim.
l owe him a congratulations.
l don't know anything
about a motorcycle.
Saw you at midnight.
You and your brother were
driving tiny little cars.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Homeless Joe was kinda right.
Randy was driving a tiny little car,
but / was driving a tiny little plane.
Help! Help!
Damn it, Randy! Pull over!
Pull over!
- [ Screams ]
- [ Earl Narrating ]
And as good as the day had been...
me and Randy were no longer
having fun.
Something had gone terribly wrong.
[ Man ].' Woke up this morning
My liver said to me.'
.' Come on, boy
Let that alcohol be.'
- .' Go to detox
Like father, like son.'
- [ Both Grunting ]
- .'A.A. meetings, here / come
Yeah, /'m a wreck.'
- [ Randy Groans ]
- .'Feel like a big piece of trash.'
- Son of a bitch! Aah!
.'My whole life's in pieces
Everything around me smells like feces.'
- Time to die!
- [ Randy Screams ]
[ Screams ]
- Earl tried to kill me?
- Now, hold on, Randy.
Maybe there's some mistake.
Son, l know what l saw.
l can't vouch for what l heard...
'cause there's a beetle living in my ear,
but l know what l saw.
l can't believe Earl
tried to kill me.
l'm Randy. Earl wouldn't
try to kill Randy.
That'd be like peanut butter
trying to kill jelly.
Peanut butter wouldn't kill jelly.
They're in the same sandwich.
l can't believe
Earl tried to kill me.
We've been brothers for l don't know how long,
and now l flnd out this?
Hold on a second.
We only have Homeless Joe's word on that.
And Homeless Joe has been known
to exaggerate the truth.
Remember, he's the one who got the town
convinced the Carter sisters were witches.
l'm still with Homeless Joe on that.
lf they weren't witches, they should have floated.
You got the superstition backwards.
Witches float.
lnnocent people, like
the Carter sisters, sink.
Whatever.
They're gone now.
The point is, we need more information.
We can't go after Earl
with the same kind of witch-hunt hysteria...
that sweeps through Camden every two years.
You know what we gotta do? We gotta work
backwards to flnd out what really happened.
zlike when you rewound that videotape to see
if Sharon Stone really flashed her undersmile.
She did show her undersmile.
That's right. And l'm sure if we rewind the night
to where you were before Homeless Joe...
we'll flnd out if Earl
showed his undersmile too.
Metaphorically speaking.
[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy,
/oy and Darnell went to retrace our steps...
well,you know what / was doing.
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
Earl, it's time.
My water broke.
l'll call a plumber
in the morning.
Oh, my God!
Your water broke!
Remember, short breaths.
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
Hurry, Earl.
l think we're getting closer!
Don't worry. We're in the hospital.
Everything's gonna be flne.
- Uh-oh.
- [ Elevator Rumbling ]
[ Earl Narrating ] Since Edwin, the town dwarf,
had died, the only people around...
who wore tiny little hats and drove tiny little cars
were the Knights of Camden.
So Darnell suggested they
stop by to ask some questions.
Oh, my God.
Kill me when l'm 50.
Wake up.
Oh, hey, it's you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
They'd come to the right place.
/t ends up that night,
Randy had staggered his way...
into the Knights of Camden's
new-member mixer.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Come on in.
We could use a young fellow
like you around here.
We're dying off like crickets.
- .'.'[ Rock ]
- [ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was drunk when he got there...
but after an hour oflimbo
and all-you-can-drink gin rickeys...
he was in full party mode.
- Then / showed up.
- [ Man ].'La, la, la, la, limbo.'
You son of a bitch!
l'll kill you!
[ Screaming ]
Randy!
Randy!
Randy!
l got a picture of that night
right here.
lt's between the one
of dead zlouie and dead Frank.
So he did try to kill me.
l'm not even sad about it anymore.
l'm angry.
l mean, l'm still kinda sad,
but more angry than sad.
ls there a word for that?
'Cause there should be!
l'm feeling pretty ''terrhurtsible.''
Really, really ''terrhurtsible,''
with a touch of''sangry.''
Just calm down.
Hey, wrinkles, is there anything else
you can tell us about that night...
like where they might
have come from?
Well, the only other thing l know is,
the big guy here had his foot covered in tar...
and he tracked it
all over our dance floor.
Joy, does this antenna
look familiar?
Looks like panties
hanging on it.
Holy crap.
That's the ''pantenna.''
[ Earl Narrating ] The 'pantenna''used to be
a tradition in the trailer park.
After girls hooked up with a guy,
they'd shoot their panties at the antenna.
Story was, if they stuck,
it was true love.
/f they fell,
it was likely the clap.
[ Woman ]
Damn it./
- Bingo!
- zlook at that.
[ Randy ]
More tar footprints.
Great googly moogly!
There's the bike.
Damn. People sure do
have a lot of sex in this trailer park.
- Oh, watch your step. Those are the clap panties.
- Oh!
Oh, no. l remember what happened.
l remember it all.
[ Earl Narrating ] Suddenly the whole night
came rushing back to Randy.
After Darnell kicked us
out of the Crab Shack...
we knew the cops were looking
for the stolen bike...
so we decided to hide it where
no one would think to look-
on the roof of
Deaf Charlie's trailer.
We took the chain off an old chainsaw
and put it on the bike.
/t wasn't gonna last long,
but luckily we only had to drive 1 5 feet.
- Wish me luck.
- Be careful. l didn't build a very wide ramp.
[ Engine Starts ]
Earl, you did it!
You made it up the ramp!
l thought for sure
you were gonna-
[ Grunting ]
[ Earl Narrating ] We covered the bike
so nobody would see it from below.
Then / kicked down the ramp
and planned our escape.
Okay, the cops are gonna be looking
for a guy and a giant chicken.
But they're never gonna be looking
for two giant half-chickens.
- Give me your pants.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah. Cops are dumb.
[ Vehicle Approaching ]
- [ Siren Blares ]
- Get down, get down!
All right. They gotta be here somewhere.
There's yellow feathers everywhere.
Fan out.
- [ Hiccups ]
- Shut up!
l can't help it, Randy.
When l'm nervous and drunk, l get the hic-
[ Hiccups ]
Scotty, l think there's
somebody behind the trailer.
Rock smashes scissors.
Sucks to be you.
- [ Hiccups ]
- Shh.
- [ Hiccups ]
- Will you just shut up already?
[ Muffled Shouting ]
[ Shouting Stops ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
After about 1 0 minutes, the cops ran out of steam.
Unfortunately, so did /.
All right, they're gone.
zlet's get out of here.
Earl!
Earl?
Oh, God! l killed him.
l killed him.
l gotta think of what to do.
Think of what to do.
l gotta make like a banana and split.
[ Chuckles ]
Aw! Damn it! l flnally got to use that one,
and Earl was too dead to hear it.
lt just keeps gettin' worse.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was scared that now the cops...
would be out looking
for a murdering half-chicken...
so he ditched the suit
to go on the run.
Good-bye, Brother.
[ Thud ]
[ Gasps ]
That son of a bitch killed me!
That's when / broke off
the pantenna for a weapon...
and followed Randy's tar-covered footprints
to the Knights of Camden hall.
No wonder he tried to kill me.
l deserved it.
l killed him and went to a party with little old men
and played ''try to walk under the stick!''
- Well, everyone grieves differently.
- No! No! l'm a terrible brother.
l should be the one
in the coma!
[ Thud ]
- [Joy ] You in a coma?
- No.
You wanna go return the motorcycle
so we can get it crossed off Earl's list?
Yeah.
[ Earl Narrating ] Those chopper guys
were pretty glad to get their bike back...
but Randy
was still feeling rotten.
That's how they stole it.
Which one of you jackasses
left the keys in the bike?
Well, Earl,
we found the motorcycle.
l also found out l tried to kill you flrst.
[ Weeping ]
l'm so sorry.
l'm a terrible brother.
[ Crying ]
- [ Crying ]
- [ Audience ] Aww.
[ Banging ]
Randy? How'd you get up there?
Oh, l fell a long way.
Well, guess what.
You're an uncle.
Okay, Earl. We crossed
''Stole a motorcycle'' off your list.
/ hope you forgive me.
Okay, Earl. Billie and the baby are safe.
Now it's your turn.
Grab hold.
[ Audience Applauding ]
He squeezed me!
He squeezed me!
We better get the doctor.
l'm gonna keep doing list items
until you're all better, Earl.
[ Whispering ]
l love you.
[ Monitor Beeping Rapidly ]
Hugging's good.
l'm gonna keep huggin'
you all night.
[ Monitor Beeping Rapidly ]