My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - Who Is Stan Ford? - full transcript

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Dear Diary, in a city far from
home Rachel Earl was running.

Yes, that's right, running.

And a running Rae Earl is not
something you see very often,

but this was an emergency.

Even if Johnny Depp was beckoning me
from the top of the hill with his penis,

- _
- it would have to wait.

Sorry, Johnny.

I was late.

Hiya.



You'll have read Hamlet, is that correct?

Oh, actually, we're doing Macbeth.

So you'll have read Hamlet.

I've seen the film.

The film?

With Mel Gibson.

Where are you studying, Rachel?

It's called Stamford City College.

Your other A levels being... ?

Sociology and Performing Arts.

Just those?

Just those.

Well, then, that should afford you
plenty of time for extra reading.

Or watching films.



It's all right for you, isn't it?

Excuse me?

I'm just saying, it's all right for you.

I'm sure you've got plenty
of time for extra reading,

but I live in the real world...

... and sometimes in the real world,

real life gets in the way of extra reading.

Look, I'm sorry that I haven't read Hamlet.

I love Shakespeare, I do,

but Shakespeare doesn't
change my baby sister's nappies

in the middle of the night,

Shakespeare doesn't turn the light
on when I'm having a nightmare

and Shakespeare, sure as shit,
never gets his round in...

at least not in my local.

From what I can tell from the film,
Hamlet is a tragedy of indecision.

It's one of the few mental health
problems I don't suffer with.

It's a shame you're not as cool
as the city that you work in.

And that, ladies and gentlemen...

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is how you fuck up a university interview.

But this... pretty much
everything I'm about to tell you...

was why it didn't matter in the slightest.

_

This was the year of A levels.

The biggest summer since records began.

But we were ready. More than ready.

We knew who we were, we
knew where we were going

and, like Stamford's
answer to Destiny's Child,

we were ready to take over the world.

I had already found my dream job.

Town Records was off-the-scale amazing.

Like living in your actual hobby.

My baby sister was growing
cuter by the minute.

Finn's arse was peachier than ever.

I had the gang by my side. I was happy,

I was healthy, and I hadn't
hurt myself in over a year.

Here we go.

14 Toxic Bombs.

I found the recipe on
something called "The Net".

There we go, one for you.

Chop can have mine... I'm not
drinking until the Leavers' Ball.

Rae?

Well, why can't I have mine?

You're supposed to be my revision partner.

- Cheers.
- Stop.

Wait, wait. Oi!

There's some announcements
to be made first.

To mark the fact this is
our last summer in Stamford,

I'm going to be getting a tattoo.

You've got to be tattoo
mad, how many do you need?

No, I've got one of Izzy

and I'm getting one up
here, too... the gang.

So that every time I look
at it, I think of you lot.

So sweet.

No, wait, wait, wait.

You said announcements. Plural.

Oh, yeah. Finn's got news and all. Go on.

- Don't, don't.
- Go on.

I've not even told Rae yet, knobhead.

Well, told me what?

I've been doing a few extra
jobs, and I've put down a deposit

on flat to rent above the bookies.

- Good boy, Finn!
- I move in Friday, don't I?

- Hang on. This Friday?
- Yeah.

Oh, no. You know what's
happening this Friday, don't you?

The biggest flat-warming
party in the 20th century.

That's what's happening!

I've got exams, I'm not going.

I'm not.

I move in Friday, but
I've got the keys already.

Come round if you don't believe me.

And that, Dear Diary,
is the point I'm making.

Why didn't fucking up your
university interview matter?

Because, there was only one
place on the entire planet

I ever wanted to be.

Right, come on, Mr University.

How you feeling about Durham?

Honestly, Rae, I'm bricking it.

Why?

It's not leaving here or anything,

it's just, I don't want to be the
only gay guy on campus who hasn't

actually...

actually...

- Right. Yeah?
- Yeah,

then I pledge to spending
my time helping you find

the hottest man in Stamford.

I don't like it, Archie, but I'll do it.

- Well that's awfully big of you, Rae.
- I know.

Thank you, though. Give us a kiss.

Hey and who knows? Sex could
be around the very next corner.

I'm OK with that.

And in answer to the question
I know you've been asking...

Yes, we had been, on a
massively regular basis.

Do you know what the best thing
about having my own flat is?

There was something about being with him.

Our bodies just went together
like sexually explicit Lego.

I love you.

What?

I love you.

What did you just say?

I said,

I...

... love

you.

_

Oh, my God, he had actually said it!

The words were like music, they
spread and tingled through my veins.

Life was so perfect, I could burst!

What time do you call this?

You are supposed to be
studying, young lady.

Oh, you got a letter, it's behind the pig.

It's Blockbusters, isn't it?

Wanting Benny and Joon back.

They're going to take you
to court in the end, Rae...

it's been over a year.

Fine, I'll sort it.

Oh, tits.

_

I'm not going.

I'm not.

Threw the letter away.

I love Stamford. And I love my mates.

And my boyfriend loves me.

He said so.

Rae, we've worked so hard. And now
there's this incredible opportunity.

And you have to take it.

I can't see how you can't see that.

Whenever I come to you with a problem,

you always do the same
classic Kester thing...

you throw it straight back. "I
don't know, Rae. You tell me.

What do you think you should do?"

And I know why. I get it.

You're trying to help me
work things out for myself.

So why is it this time you're
trying to tell me what to do?

Because...

... you don't know
what's out there. Not yet.

You barely know what's over the next hill.

I don't need to travel
to get to amazing places.

Well, at least think about it.

I have. And I'm not going.

End of.

What's going on with your room?

- They're refurbishing.
- Why?

- Your guess is as good as mine.
- Oh, there he is.

The old Kester... "I don't
know, Rae. You tell me."

It didn't matter what Kester
said. That letter was in the bin.

I wasn't going to freak ut about my future.

Chloe was doing enough
of that for everyone.

She was obsessed with getting into
Lincolnshire School of Business,

hence the power dressing.

Don't take this the wrong way, Chloe,

but you do know it's 1998,
don't you, and not 1985?

I think she meant the Filofax.

Er, Filofaxes, Rae, are a revision tool.

You would know if you took
revision more seriously.

All right listen up,
everyone. I have to say,

when I looked at the date this
morning, my heart jumped slightly.

I'm sure I wasn't the only one.

That's right, less than one
week to go before A levels.

But there will be a careers
fair tomorrow afternoon.

Erm, Miss, is there going to be people
there from the business community?

Or is it just going to be like people
from, like, you know, round here?

My dad's coming.

- Your dad owns the cattery.
- Yeah. It's a business.

Lois is right. There will be
several local businesses represented.

If you don't get the
grades you're hoping for,

or if you didn't get the
offer you're expecting,

there'll be people waiting
to talk to you in the hall...

Have Bristol rejected you now, then, Rae?

Yeah.

What? Officially?

Yeah.

_

MUSIC: Sunday Shining by Finley Quaye

- You OK to turn that down a sec?
- Yeah.

Hello?

Tell... tell me you're joking.

You're not joking.

Well, then, I'm really sorry.

I'm genuinely sorry.

You, erm, you OK, Rob?

That was my date.

What I thought was my date.

Long story, man.

She let you down?

He.

And not for the first time.

Archie, I've got one.

Oh, sorry about my language.

- What language?
- What the fuck are you doing in my room?

Can you keep your voice down when
you're swearing at me, please?

- The baby's sleeping.
- Why are you in my room?

Right, I came in here on
behalf of Blockbusters Video,

looking to put an end to that
Benny & Joon saga once and for all.

But I ended up finding something
a little bit better than

Johnny Depp, didn't I?

You told me it went badly. Rae!

Do you know how many member of
our family have been to university?

None!

I am so proud of you, young lady.

I am so proud of my little chicken.

She's finally hatched, and she's
turned into a beautiful swan.

With English Paper One
in just ten days' time,

I could spot a mixed metaphor a mile away.

Come and sit down next to your old mum.

Come in, love.

I tell you important story.

When my father was a young man, he
moved from the desert to the city

to make better life.

But before he leave,
his father came to him.

And he give my father a chain...

... to guard him his journey. And...

... to say he was very proud.

Er...

It would be, for me,

an honour to give this to you

to guard you your journey, Bristol, and...

... because I'm very proud of you.

That's so beautiful.

We're on our way!

How do you break it to the
people who believe in you the most

that you don't want to follow the
path they think is best for you?

I needed to tell Finn.

I wasn't going.

Just because Bristol was a good
opportunity didn't mean I had to go.

- Hey, don't you be looking!
- I'm not!

Boom! What do you think?

Well, it's a little bit
like it was yesterday.

As in, identical.

No. There's a beanbag and
there's two new posters.

And the fridge works.

I'm happy for you.

- Are you really?
- Yeah.

Because there's something
that I wanted to ask you,

and I... I didn't want to suggest
it in case, you know, I was...

... holding you back.

But, seeing as you
didn't get into Bristol...

... if you...

if you wanted to move in here...

What?!

Move in here with me.

I mean, we could have a joint
flat-warming party on Friday,

if you want.

Only if you want. It won't be a big deal.

I love you.

But how could I tell him now?

How could I let anything
get in the way of this?

Cheers! Cheers!

- The sexiest man since sliced ham
- _

wanted me to move in with him
for decent music, proper cuddles

and Olympic-standard gymnastic knobbing.

I just had to pack the first bag,

sneak past Mum so she didn't
blow her top about Bristol,

then get my arse round to
Finn and Rae's new shag-shack.

Oh, what's in your bag?

Books. I'm going to revise.

Revise my knowledge of
Finn Nelson's genitalia.

Good girl.

Not flowers, Archie. Not
the first time you meet him.

They're for you. Chloe told
me you didn't get into Bristol.

Here comes the lecture from Mr University.

There's always Clearing, Rae,

and Peterborough Uni's always got places.

Do you know what, it doesn't
matter about not getting in.

Finn's asked me to move in with him,

so I'm going to be doing a
degree in the art of fellatio.

Come on!

Looking a bit nervous there, Arch!

Well, what if I'm not his type?

Oh, my God.

It's like being gay in 3D.

Well...

You know what they say, don't
you? "Nerves are a good thing."

Why do they say that?

Don't know!

It's just something that you
say to nervous people, isn't it?

I'm going in.

Hiya.

MUSIC: Babies by Pulp

Who was that guy?

Which guy?

The geeky-looking guy I saw
you with in that car just now.

I don't know.

You OK, mate?

Yeah, mate, just, erm,
just looking, just looking.

Was he checking me out?

Yeah.

He's cute.

Looks better without the bins.

Get him to give me a call.

And there it was.

Against all odds, in a town
that wasn't even supposed

to have a dartboard, Archie had
hit a massive gay bull's-eye.

Hello! Hello.

You can't just do that, you
can't just pick what you want.

Listen to this.

_

Moving in with someone's a big step, Rae.

It's exciting.

And Finn, he thinks that you
turning down the offer from Bristol,

he thinks that's a good idea, does he?

- It's what we both want.
- Because...

... well, because, from what I understand,

from what you've told me about
him, your boyfriend wouldn't want

anything but the best for you,

and he's selfless, you
know, in that respect.

- That's right, isn't it?
- Yeah, he is.

- What, so, he just thinks that Bristol's too far away?
- No.

- What, it's not a good enough university?
- No.

Please, help me out here,
because I'm struggling here.

There must be some reason why he's, erm...

well, as I see it, clipping your wings.

- He loves me.
- Exactly.

And I love him, and we live
here, and that's the end of it.

Just checking.

You know something, Rae?
We've been talking like this,

me and you, for two years now.

Now, a lot as changed in that time.

In this room and out there.

You have become someone extra special.

Are you splitting up with me?

We've reached the stage
now, Rae, where we need to

be looking to wind things down.

To complete the process.

That's it. That's why you
want me to go to university.

- No.
- Because you want to end therapy,

so that's your excuse.

No, it's the opposite. I
want you to go to university

because you are ready to end therapy.

You know your own mind, Rae.

You've said as much yourself.

How you're in love, how you're secure.

It's a shock to any patient,
the idea of ending sessions.

Of course it is.

But I say this with confidence...

You have no idea how proud I am of you.

Of how far you've come.

Why are you doing it so suddenly?

I'm not.

There's no rush.

It's not like flicking a
switch. We can take it gently.

I'm not going anywhere.

Nearly finished.

Look, actually, we're right in the
middle of something here. Thank you.

So, erm, what about the last week in June?

That gives us three more sessions.

Ever since I first left hospital,
Kester had kept me together.

But now it felt like the
foundations of life in Stamford

were starting to crack.

At least I still had the gang to talk to.

They could catch me if I fell.

Rae! What the fuck?!

We were supposed to be highlighting
our Emmas like an hour ago.

It's as if A levels mean nothing to you.

Come on. It's started.

Careers Day.

Like the lights had just come
on in the world's shittest disco.

- Do you think I should join the army?
- No.

Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Rae!

Is that... Katie Springer?!

Hang on, who's Katie Springer?

She looks amazing.
- Yeah, If you like that kind of thing.

- Which everyone does.
- Anyway, how do you know her?

We met for like a second in Bristol.

Rae, how's it going? I
was so hoping to see you.

- It's so weird being back at college.
- What you doing here?

Well, the principal's asked me
back to talk about going to uni,

and Dan Smith to talk about not going.

- Ku Klux Dan?
- Mmm-hmm, he works in the garden centre now.

- Hiya, Izzy!
- Hi, Katie.

You all right?

And you remember Chloe?

Erm, it's nice to meet you.
Hey, I like your costume.

Can I have your attention everyone, please?

Two of last year's leavers
have kindly agreed to come back

and tell you all a little bit
about what life's like out there,

so please welcome Katie
Springer and Daniel Smith.

How could she not remember me?

I used to blank her, like, the whole time.

Hiya. Erm, I'm Katie.

Er, when I was here, at Stamford,

I pretty much had zero confidence.

I kept myself to myself the whole time.

Erm, most of you probably
never even knew who I was.

So even though I had this
amazing, amazing offer

to study at Bristol, I kept
making out that uni wasn't for me.

Stamford was big enough.

So what I want to say to
those of you who have an offer,

or are just daunted by what's out there,

beyond those gates...

... is be strong...

... and go for it.

I would like to leave you
with a quote by someone first

introduced to me by Principal Dixon...

George Eliot.

"It's never too late to be
what you might have been."

Cheers!

What year's George Eliot in?

Maybe I'd been stupid to rule out Bristol.

But, no... it was fine. Completely fine.

Just because Katie Springer was
like a walking advert for university

didn't mean there weren't people
who could do the same for Stamford.

A lot of people think there's
only one kind of Koi carp you can

buy at the garden centre on Barnack Road.

There aren't. There are six.

Oh, bollocks.

- Thank you.
- Oh, this was getting ridiculous,

I had to talk to someone who
would understand about the offer.

I wasn't thinking about it, because
I didn't think I had anything

- to think about, but I haven't even told him.
- Told who?

Finn.

- Finn Nelson?
- Yeah, I know.

But If I stay here, then he's going
to think that I gave up my dream

- for him, but it's not like that!
- What dream, Rae?

Bristol.

- So Bristol is your dream?
- No, I didn't say that.

Well, you literally just
said that to me, Rae.

No, well, I didn't think it was,

- but now I've lied to everyone and it's all a big mess.
- OK.

I just don't know what to do.

Look, I get your dilemma, I do.

- Don't tell anyone about this!
- No, I won't.

Look, I don't go back for another week,

so if you want to talk to me
about this, then you can, OK?

- All right. Thanks.
- OK.

An offer to read English at
Bristol is fantastic, Rae.

The Head of Department
phoned to say how impressed

he was by your passion.

Said he didn't get the
chance to tell you in person.

Who else have you told?

Well, everyone. It's such
an inspiring story, Rae.

- See you.
- Rae!

I knew I should've told Finn,

but I hadn't thought there
was a decision to make.

I couldn't let him find
out from anyone else.

How the fuck was I going to explain this?

Nice one, Raemundo!

Oh, that's it, is it?
Yeah, Rae's got her offer,

- Chloe can sort herself out.
- No.

"Well, there is no point revising with her,

she's not getting tip-top grades, is she?"

Is that why you lied to me?

- Izzy, have you seen Finn?
- I'm trying to talk to you.

He's looking for you.

- Do you know where he went?
- Rae, don't ignore me.

I'm just trying to find out where Finn is.

Well, I don't get why you lied to
me. We're supposed to tell each other

everything. Rae, I would
have just revised on my own!

You're not even revising, Chloe.

- All you're doing is just highlighting stuff.
- Do you mind?

Sometimes whole pages,
which is exactly the same

as highlighting none of it!

Danny, have you seen Finn?

No. Listen, those two,
they've had four shots each

and they haven't said two words.

Right.

- What's going on?
- We're raising a glass of non-alcoholic champagne.

To you!

Hey, Finn! Do you like Rae's chain?

Karim got her that to keep her
safe on her journey to Bristol.

Yeah. Nice one.

Don't.

Here's to you. Genuinely, Rae.

You know what?

Before I asked you to move in with me...

... I checked there was no
chance you were going to uni.

I double checked, Rae.

For me.

Because the last thing
I wanted to do in my life

- is to hold you back, do you know that?
- You're not holding me back.

I went to the pub earlier, and you
were all anyone was talking about.

"Rae Earl's off to uni!

Aw, you must be so proud, mate."
Do you know what that's like?

- Why would you lie to me?
- I didn't.

I didn't mean to.

- Were you lying about the interview going badly?
- No.

No, were you lying when you said

- you wanted to move in with me, no?
- No.

So, were you lying when you
told me that you loved me?

No!

Oh, please, Finn...

Being with you

is more than I ever dreamed of.

It's a joke and we both know it.

People must think I've won a competition.

Rae...

Your mum showed me the letter.

Look, if you can't decide
what you really want...

if you can't decide between us and uni...

then I think... we should
go on a break until you do.

Because...

... cos I'm sorry, Rae,

but this isn't... it's not fair, is it?

- Finn!
- What?

Well, what about the party?

Party?

I'm not really in the mood.

- Will you see to her, Rae?
- Yeah.

So, there's always the
long-distance relationship,

but you have to put the hours
in, you know, motorway-wise.

Danny, I dunno.

Well, the other option
is the open relationship.

You know? He can do his
thing, you can do yours.

Yeah, right.

Danny... do you like living in Stamford?

Is it enough for you?

I love it, Rae. It's
like I've scored a goal.

It was perfect for Danny, but
was Stamford enough for me?

Oh, here you go.

It wouldn't be the same without the gang,

and if the others moved
on, what would I do?

But while my own future was uncertain,

Archie was on to a sure thing.

Rob had invited him over, and
dinner was not on the menu.

I've... I've... I've,
erm, I've shaved, Rae.

- Do you think that was wise?
- Yeah, you look nice.

No. I've, erm...

I've shaved.

Oh, er, yeah, yeah! I'm
sure he'll appreciate it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Good luck, Arch!

Oh, cheers, Danny. Thanks
for making me do this...

Hey, listen, Archie... You
don't have to do anything.

Yeah, yeah, I do.

No, because what if you get in there

and then you decide that it's not for you?

Well, it still would
have been worth going in.

All right.

There he goes.

Archibald and his bald balls!

I couldn't believe how brave Archie was.

He wasn't afraid to step into the unknown.

I'm still not sure about that shirt.

I wouldn't worry about the shirt, Rae.

That'll be torn off his body
the moment he steps inside.

We'd been waiting outside Rob's for ages

and I was starting to get worried.

They'll be in an advanced
state of foreplay by now.

Hands, tongues, fingers, you name it...

It'll be every man for himself.

Penetration, Rae...

will be imminent.

Danny!

What if Archie was wrong
and it wasn't worth going in?

What if something terrible happens to you

when you step into the unknown?

What if Rob was actually a serial killer?

What if he buried his
victims under the patio,

like in Brookside?

They've been in there a
really long time, Danny.

I'm going in.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Suddenly, I could see everything.

Archie knew what he wanted
and he was going for it.

Archie had taken control,
and I had to do the same.

Ever since that letter arrived,
everything had fallen apart.

I had to fix it.

I needed to put things back to
the way they were before the offer.

And that meant getting the gang together.

Hiya.

She's supposed to be revising, Rae.

- Go on.
- Thanks.

MUSIC: Orinoco Flow by Enya

Hello.

He shouldn't have let you in.

Do you know, it wasn't what you
said, it was the way that you said it.

Sorry.

Oh...

- Just read it.
- What is it?

Just read it.

_

That's fucking amazing!

Well, I still need a B and
two Cs. I've got no chance.

- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.

You and Archie could do
it. I'm out of my depth.

And this stupid song! It's
supposed to be "study friendly".

It's Enya, for fuck's sake.

Enya!

OK, Chloe, I haven't...

- I haven't been a very good revision partner, have I?
- No.

No. But the thing is...
I've made my decision.

Er, what decision?

I'm staying in Stamford!

Oh!

So...

We are going to have a
flat-warming party. It is back on.

Whoa! Hang on a minute. Where?

Tonight.

- Tonight?!
- Yeah.

Rae, that's all too quick. We've
got Sociology on Monday morning.

That is why you're going to drive.

You're going to drive us back

and then at some point
we'll do some more revision.

Are you OK?

- Me? Yeah, I'm fine.
- I don't think you're thinking straight.

I am, Chlo, I just...
need you to come with me.

Please.

Please?

Fine!

- Yeah?
- Yep.

Yes! Let's go.

Finn said he was cancelling it.

Yeah, but, erm, he changed his mind.

Guys, should we stop at the offie?

I think I've got enough here. Let's see.

- Two, three... Five...
- Raemundo.

- 57... Shit, I lost count. Hang on.
- Raemundo.

What?

Chill out.

- Here we go. Drambuie Detonators.
- Oh, yes, here he is!

Whoa, wait, wait, wait...

An hour in the making,

three days of healing.

Never say...

I'm not a man of me word.

- _
- Chop...

- Who's Stan Ford?
- Yeah.

You idiot It's us. "Stanford Forever."

It's Stamford. Stam-ford
with an M. You numpty.

You've lived here your whole life!

Like it.

Right, drink up.

Another?

Stanford...

Right, shall we get a wriggle on?

Can we please? You've still
got some more shots to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, drink up.

You love birds, get out of the way!

- Disgusting. Get off me!
- Archie, don't you dare spill that on me!

My name is Rae Earl. And I love this town!

No-one gets out alive.

In fact... it's a lock-in!

Stan Ford forever!

Stan Ford forever!

What time's the party start?!

Izzy, I've already told you...

The party starts when we get there.

So cheesy!

Rae!

Chloe!

- Rae, let me see your hands.
- What the fuck, Chloe?!

Let me see your hands! I'm fine!

- Why haven't you told me?!
- I'm fine!

Don't shout at me, Rae. I'm here for you!

Kester!

Kester! Please!

Kester!

No! Kester!

Kester!

Chloe, can you hear me?