My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Ladies and Gentlemen - full transcript

- Your faces had sex with each other.
- I had sex last night.

So long as you live under
my roof, you live by my rules.

He kissed me! So he must like me.

I've just seen Archie.
He ain't coming.

Just leave me alone.

I knew you couldn't
possibly like me!

I think he's a dick for what he did.

Wow!

'When you've lived in
someone's shadow for a long time,

'you kind of get used to it.'

Come on, Rae!



'You have to...

'especially when
it's someone so perfect

'and so beautiful.

'You accept that some birds
are high-flying birds...

'and other birds are not.

'But that doesn't mean
they can't fly together.'

Oh, he got it that time, didn't he?

Being back at school on the summer
holidays is just wrong, innit?

Yeah, but we need to
support Chlo, don't we?

Come on, Chlo!

- Whoo!
- Come on, Chlo!

You can do it!

Come on, girl! Yeah!

I'm telling you, it's him,
it's Michael Price.



He is nowhere near good-looking
enough to be going out with Chloe.

I mean, look at the state
of her. She's well hot.

Rae, you're supposed
to be Chloe's best mate.

How do you not know
who she's sleeping with?

Whoo! Come on, Chloe!

Come on, Chlo!

Come on, Chlo!

You can do it!

'All eyes on
the lovely Chloe as usual.

'What I wasn't telling them

'was that my secret
boyfriend was there as well.

'Mr Carrisford,

'our PE teacher/gold medal
sex athlete at the Rae Olympics.

'We had met every day
for the last two weeks...

'..in my mind.'

Rae.

I didn't think you'd...

come.

What's with all the Caramacs?

Shh!

You shut your pretty mouth
and start opening them.

'Finn had a point -
why hadn't Chloe told me?

'We were supposed to be
best friends again.

'We were supposed to
tell each other everything.

'The only possible explanation was
that she'd made the whole thing up.

'That actually, in real life,

'she stayed up all night
fantasising like the rest of us.'

Oh, hi, Mr Carrisford.

Are you still here?

'Why can't I get noticed
by boys in real life,

'but Chloe is even sleeping with
men from my wildest fantasies?

'Worst summer holiday ever.'

Raemundo! This is Little Al.
You know Barney and Lizard.

Listen, I want to
chat to you about Saturday.

What's Saturday?

Oasis. Knebworth.

I don't want to talk about it.

The lads got tickets!

What?

Lucky bastards!

You mean...
you're all actually going?

We didn't know what to say.

Sorry.

Well, it's...

not that big a deal.

So... you don't want this, then?

I've got one spare.

Are you messing with me?

I'm not messing with you.

Don't mess with me.

I'm not! It's real.

Oh, Chop!

Oh, this is the best
summer holiday ever. Archie!

Yes.

Chop!

My dear!

Oh, yeah!

You excited about Knebworth, then?

Suppose so.

'How can I have ever fantasised

'about sleeping with
someone so utterly annoying?

'Yeah, he was stunning...

'With an arse that I just wanted
to bite into like a violent dog,

'but he was so big-headed,
so miserable, so self...'

Stop staring at me.
It freaks me out.

I'm not staring at you.

Right, whatever.

So, Mr Choppy Chop...

Hello.

Why I am going
and not Chloe or Izzy?

Didn't ask them.
You was first choice.

Well, it's kind of
a lads' trip only.

But we see you as
one of the lads anyway,

so obviously we knew you
weren't going to be a problem.

Do you know what I mean?
So we just carried on.

'But we
see you as one of the lads anyway.

'But we see you as
one of the lads anyway.

'But we see you as
one of the lads anyway...'

'But we see you as
one of the lads anyway...'

Rae, we need to talk.

You know I wanted to
talk to you earlier, but...

well, you've been busy with
the boys all evening, so...

Are you going to tell anyone, Rae?

Why would I tell anyone?

Don't know.

Chloe, what are you thinking?!

He's a teacher. It's just wrong.

How can you say that?

You know, the other day, you said,
"I'll sex him into a coma so deep

"the only way he'd wake up
was if I sexed him some more."

Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'd
actually do anything in real life.

Oh, right. OK, then.

Chloe, he's clearly
taking advantage of you.

No! You know nothing about us.

You know, cos...

well, we trust each other.

Yeah, right.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rae, I forgot...

cos you're the expert
on love, aren't ya?

Cos how many boys is it
you've kissed again?

I'd rather have only kissed one boy

than give
mouth-to-south resuscitation

to someone twice my age

in a Vauxhall Nova on a bit
of scrubland behind a SPAR.

Don't make me feel bad just cos I've
got a boyfriend and you haven't.

Do you know, you're always making me
feel guilty for having things.

You think I've got it so easy,
Rae, and you've got no idea

what it's like to have
to walk into a room

and have everyone look at you.

All of the time.

I do know what it feels like...

to walk into a room and
have everybody stare at me.

Do you know that every time
we talk to boys...

they're not talking to us,
they're talking to you?

Whatever, Rae!

Oh, no.

Of course you don't, Princess Chloe.

So don't you dare
sit there and tell me

how difficult you've got it.

You're just a...

I'm a what?

Nothing.

Go on.

Say it.

Chloe, you're a really shit friend.

Sometimes.

Well, if that's the way
you feel, maybe...

we shouldn't be friends.

Fine.

Coo-ee!

Found you, sneaky sneakies!

We're moving on to The Basement.
Get a wriggle on.

Rae's not coming.

She doesn't feel well.

You all right?

You're gonna say that I'm angry
because I'm jealous.

Well, yeah, I am jealous.

I'm jealous because she's pretty.

I'm jealous because she's good
at things.

I'm jealous because she's slight
but curvy. Clever. Sporty.

I'm jealous
because she's Grade 4 on the cello,

because she volunteers
at an outreach centre.

I'm jealous
because she's the type of girl

who will one day appear on the cover
of Marie Claire

sunbathing on a yacht.

I'm jealous
just because of the way she is.

Because she...

well, she...

she is like...

a girl.

Why are you friends with Chloe?

Because we've always been friends.
That's the reason.

You have those friends,
and you think,

well... if I met you now...
well, I wouldn't even talk to you.

But because we've known each other
for such a long time,

because we've got a history...

I've always been in her shadow
and I'm just...

I'm sick of it now.

But why now? I mean, what's changed?

All those qualities
that you see in Chloe...

you don't see any of those in
yourself?

Well, I'm definitely not girly.

Why do you say that?

My nickname is Raemundo.

I drink pints. I swear.

I'm loud. I tell jokes.

What's not girly about telling
jokes?

Oh, because telling jokes is a boy
thing.

And boys don't like it
when girls tell jokes,

because it freaks them out
to think that a girl

might actually be funnier
than what they are.

Oh!

So it's actually... about boys?

Boys decide whether
you are girly or not?

I find you intensely irritating
some days.

It's what I live for.

Maybe your relationship has changed,
at least in part,

because your relationship with men
has changed.

And because you're part
of a group now,

maybe you and Chloe are just trying
to figure out, you know,

how your friendship works
now that things are different.

Well, how do I figure that out?

Well, you need to think, um...

is there more to this relationship

than having known each other
for ages?

You need to think how you'd feel if
Chloe was no longer in your life.

Would you miss her?
I doubt it.

You honestly don't think
you'd miss her?

Come on, Rae...

we're making progress here.

Engage with me.
It's not that.

What? Then what is it?

I think I'm having a period.

Tuesday, 16th August.

Well done, that day!

The first sign of womanhood
for 18 months.

I must have lost weight.

My GP said that's probably
why they stopped.

I'm so pleased for you, Rae.
What does it feel like?

It feels like a tiny little bastard
is punching me

in the small of my back.

Aw...

Sandra the sanitary towel.

It's finally time for her
to fulfil her destiny.

I'm actually a woman, Tix -
this proves it.

Now all I have to do is prove it
to the boys at Knebworth.

I need to look hot.

Why don't you just buy a dress?

I think, as a boy, that's what
we think of as being pretty girly.

Danny?!

Yo.

What the hell are you doing in here?!

The men's was out of order.

Look, it doesn't even have to be
a dress -

it could be like something
a bit more... fashiony, you know?

Something a bit like a...
Danny, get out!

Yeah... out! Hurry up and get out.

I'm going.
It's the ladies!

Why didn't we think of that?

Nice!

The key to getting anything off my
mum was timing.

Ask her for anything
when she's in a good mood

and you're guaranteed success.

Things weren't looking good.

New regime?

Russian Peasant diet.

Only fucking liquids
for the next four days.

I'm eating a bowl of vegetable stock
for my dinner.

Mmm...

Smells good.

I was thinking

that it might be nice

if I got some new clothes.
How much?

Well, there's this company that do,
like, tailor-made stuff...

How much?

95 quid.

You think I was born yesterday

floating down the river
on a banana boat? No chance.

I can't find anything that fits me
in a normal shop!

Why don't you borrow
something of mine?

Because I'd rather die.

This isn't fair!

Everyone else gets money
off their parents!

But no, I've got to live in a house
that doesn't even stock tampons!

Do you know what, Mum?

Value sanitary towels are a crime
against my femininity.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Ms Pankhurst,

next time I go to the supermarket,

I'll buy you a bag of swans' necks
and you can use those.

Besides, you only started your
period again today, so, you know,

let's not pretend we're experts.

All right!

Fucking typical!

Well, can I come in?

So how was The Basement
the other night?

It was all right.

Look, this is some of the stuff
that you left at mine.

I thought I'd bring it round
for you.

Rae, there's something else
I need to talk to you about.

Well, I didn't know
where else to go, because...

you're the only one
who knows about Stephen.

Who's the fuck's Stephen?

Mr Carrisford!

Oh...

Right.

So has he broken up with you, then?

He was just a boyfriend.

I think it's probably for the best,

because it wasn't right...
you and him...

going out with each other.

Yeah, well, he hasn't broken up
with me!

I'm pregnant!

Fucking hell.

Well...

say something, Rae!

Fucking hell!

I thought you were on the pill!

Yeah, well, I stopped taking it.

Why?

The packet said
it could make you put on weight.

So rather than just put on
a little bit of weight,

you thought that you would risk
getting knocked up?!

Yeah, do you know,
that's exactly what I thought!

Uh...! You know what, Chloe?

Most pregnant women,
well, they put on at least...

one, two, three...

Yeah, I get the irony of it, Rae!

Rae, if you want your jeans washing
inside out,

put them in the basket
in... side... out!

So what are you gonna do about it,
then?

Are you gonna tell Mr Car...

Stephen?

No.

It would ruin everything.

I think you should.

Yeah, well,
you don't know him, Rae.

You're the one that said
you trust each other.

Don't have a go at me!

I'm not having a go at you.

Do you know, my mum...

I remember she told me ages ago
she got pregnant when she was young.

She said it stays with you.

Whether you have it or not.

You know, whatever decision you
make, it's for ever.

She'd be so disappointed
if she knew about this.

I've got an appointment at
the clinic on Thursday.

Will you come with me?
You don't have to.

It's fine.

Chloe...

I'll come with you.

OK.

I'll see you later.

It's bad.

OK, it's really bad,

but this was typical of Chloe!
I have my first kiss,

she loses her virginity.

I get my period back,

and she gets pregnant!

If I went to Butlin's on holiday,

she'd probably go to Disneyland...

on the bloody moon.

I hate myself for thinking that.

God...

Please... please... please...

Oh, God.
Oh, Jabba!

Oh, fuck!

Jabba!

'The Green Lane Gang.

'Ninja, Big G, Squeaky.

'There's only one thing
you need to know about them.

'Twat, twat, twat.'

Moo-oo-oose!

Jabba!

Scrubber!

Moo-oo-oose!

Scrubber!

'Knebworth. Knebworth. Knebworth.
Knebworth. Knebworth. Knebworth.'

Scrubber!

'..Very careless defending
at the back.

'They now really do have
a mountain to climb.'

Are you all right?

Yeah. Why?

Me and Karim barely saw you
yesterday, did we?

Mmm.
What's going on?

Nothing.

'..And reassess how they're going to
try and plot a way

'back into this match.'

Should I ring Kester?

What? No! I'm fine.

Mum...

is there such thing as a mega period?

Mega?

Well, maybe you should go
and see Dr Nick?

You can't just nip in and see
Dr Nick. He's not a normal GP.

Why not? He's been your doctor for
four months.

Sorting out your pills and your
diet.

Why can't you talk to him
about this?

Because no, all right?

Oh, I'll just get his number
from the phone book.

There is no way I'm talking to
Dr Nick about my mega period!

'Just another chapter of humiliation
in the multi-volumed anthology

'of Rae the Ridiculous.

'Oh, God...

'he's gorgeous.

'Maybe if I hit him over the head
with that paperweight,

'I could lick him all over
before he regained consciousness.'

OK. Jump up on the bed
so I can have a look at you.

'Oh, God.

'He'll prod my tummy,

'and the pathetic tampon holding back
the bloody flood will ping out.'

Just relax.

'Oh...

'I can't...

'hold... back!'

Run! It's the mega period!

So how's everything going?

OK.
Good.

You got enough meds?

Yeah.

So... I think it's just a heavy
period you're having.

Painful and not nice,
but nothing more sinister than that.

There is nothing to worry about.

You starting your period is just
another milestone on the road to
health.

I like your paperweight.

See you, Rae.

OK. We've had the results
of the urine sample. And...

No, sorry.

Ah.

Ah...

You...

You are pregnant. Um...

around four weeks.

Um, I'd like an abortion.

Yeah, well, that's certainly
an option you could consider.

But you don't have to
decide anything today.

We provide a counselling service

where someone can talk to you on
a one...

No, I don't want any of that.

I just want to get it over with.

Yeah, well, OK.

It's up to me to make sure
you have every opportunity

to make the decision
that's right for you, so...

Let me book you in to see
one our advisors tomorrow,

and then, if you still want to go
ahead, you know, hey, that's fine.

Well, what happens... if she does?

Well, if you do decide
to go ahead with it,

then tomorrow you'll be given what's
called

an early medical abortion pill.

Then you'll take another one on
Saturday.

Following the second treatment,

you'll most likely want to be at
home afterwards.

'And there's another thing
Chloe's better at than me...

'..holding it together.

'She's so strong in situations
where I'd crumble.

'Like when the world is crushing down
on me.

'Like when I...'

You all right?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Well, thanks for coming.

It's all right.

I can come along with you tomorrow,
if you want.

Nah.

I'm going to take your advice.

I'm going to tell Stephen tonight.

He'll look after me.

Well, what about Saturday
for the second pill?

Everyone's going to be at Knebworth.

Rae, Stephen'll look after me.

You know... I'll be fine.

I'll just...

see you in a bit, then.

OK.

Well...

you were right.

I never thought I'd hear you say
that.

I do miss her.

But... things have changed.

She's got a boyfriend now...

and you don't need your friends as
much when you've got a boyfriend, do
you?

At the last session,

we never finished discussing

what made you feel so angry towards
Chloe.

I told you why.

I gave you my fully detailed
psychological analysis.

Yeah, but I never gave you mine.

Do you want to hear it?

A couple of weeks ago,
I had to pretend to be your uncle,

because you haven't told anybody
out there that you've been ill.

Including Chloe.

And I think you might be angry
with her

because you're starting to realise

that maybe she's no longer the type
of friend

that you can talk to about things.

Oh, I couldn't give a rat's arse
what Chloe's like.

I don't care about Chloe.
I care about you.

And it is important to me

that you've got somebody out there
you can talk to

when things get dark,

when you think about hurting
yourself.

I've got my diary.
I can talk to that if things get bad.

Yeah, well, you can leave things out
of a diary.

You can rip out whole pages
and pretend they don't exist.

This is my new home number.

Now, I want you to call it.

At any time, day or night.

Whenever you start to feel...
you know.

I don't need it.

Rae!

You're taking this piece of
paper. End of.

'Short skirt,

'girly top.

'This is all new to me, being a girl.

'It's difficult being quiet,

'not telling jokes or swearing,

'especially when the mega period
was becoming a super mega period.

'I felt like my eyeballs were
sweating.'

Right,
so if we get two crates of beer

and a bottle of voddy for each car,
we're rocking.

Raemundo, are you all right with
beer?

Chop, you might enjoy
having a ridiculous nickname,

but I don't.

It's Rae or Rachel.

What? Do you want beer or not?

Not. I'd like some Lambrini.

That's what I drink now.

Oh, Jesus...

All right, lads. Move up!

Right, who's got any tune requests
for the trip?

Because I am doing
the tapes for the cars.

Why are you doing them?

I know the most about music.

You know about as much about music
as my mum.

All right. But under no
circumstances,

feature Spaceman by Babylon Zoo.

No Babylon Zoo.

Thank you very much for sharing
your in-depth knowledge of music

with us, Rae, that's brilliant.

Such a prick.

Right, I took the liberty
of treating everyone.

Little Al.

Oh, yeah. Nice one, Chop!

There you are, Finn.
Nice one, mate!

Raemundo.

What's up with you? You all right?

No, I've...

I've got a tummy ache.

Oh, damn.

Better be OK for tomorrow.
Like the shirt?

Why don't you try it on?
I dunno.

Try it on!

Maybe I don't want to try it on!

What's wrong with you?

I told everyone that you was dead
cool and that you were dead funny.

You've sat here all night
with a right face on.

Well, maybe I can't win!
Maybe I just can't fucking win!

No matter how hard I try,
I just can't get it right.

I don't even know why I bother!

Oh, crazy. Crazy. What are you doing?

Stop being stupid.

Stupid.

No...

No...

No, no, no...

Oh... my... God!

Jabba's got a jam stain!

I think I'm gonna be sick!

I genuinely think I'm gonna be sick.

Jabba's got a jam stain!
That's got to be the dirtiest thing

I've ever seen.
You absolute scrubber.

Scrubber!
Scrubber, scrubber, scrubber!

Scrubber...

What are you doing, you?

It's all right taking the piss
out of a girl, isn't it?

Well, why don't you try taking the
piss out of me?

Eh? You apologise to her now

or I will fucking curl you up,
all right?

All right. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

And that goes for you two twats,
as well.

Sorry.

You all right?

'Saturday, 10th August, 1996.

'The Day of Knebworth!

'Who'd have thought

'the day I get to see
Liam Gallagher in the flesh,

'all my thoughts would be
about another man?

'How could I have got him so wrong?

'How could I have thought
that he was shallow

'when he's the most interesting,

'sweet, sensitive,

'hot-bodied Adonis
in all of Lincolnshire

'and the surrounding districts?'

Rae!

I just bought, two days ago,

on your request, 20 Tampax!

20!

And now there are
exactly none left.

What have you got,
six vaginae or something?

I decided to change them every hour.

Every hour?!

Your hoo-ha must be the driest place
in the entire universe.

I didn't want to get toxic shock!

Izzy told me about this girl
who left a tampon in too long.

It went rotten, she got
multiple organ failure,

then she went into
a coma and she died.

Tox...?! You...!

I just, er...

I just...

I just can't...

This is my main meal for the day.

What is it?

Fucking Cup-a-Soup.

Beef flavour.

Maybe you should just
go back to solids.

Oh... today's the last day.

I just need to
make it till tomorrow.

It's solids tomorrow. Then it's...

I just... I need to
make it till tomorrow.

I'll be all right.

I'll be all right tomorrow.

Just keep thinking about tomorrow.

Knebworth, baby girl! Let's do this!

You're in Barney's car
with Finn. Come on!

Hi, Rae!

Hey.

Hiya.

All right?

How's your hand?

I'll live.

Thanks.

Anyone would have done
the same thing, you know.

No, they wouldn't.

Right, everyone, this
convoy is heading out!

Let's get ready! Let's do this.

Raemundo, come on!

Let's go!

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd see everyone off.

Did you tell him?

We broke up.

What?!

Who's going with you today, then?

Don't worry about it.

Raemundo, come on, get your ass in
gear! We're ready to go. Come on!

You'd better go.

Chloe, are you sure
you're going to be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

See you later.

Let's go!

Come on!

What?

I'm expecting marks out of
ten for each tune, by the way.

Yeah, well, it's
a zero for starters.

I thought this was
your favourite song.

- Stop.
- What?

Stop the car!

You know, he'd just
split up with his ex.

They were together like...
six years or something.

So he's not really in the place

to commit to something
new at the moment.

Plus, he's a complete
knobhead wanker.

Do you know, he had
a name for his thingy.

What?

Bob.

Bob?

Yeah.

You know, I'm sorry about this week.

Just sometimes I see you
with everyone,

you know? The lads. And...

you're so funny and clever. And...

I just...

I wish sometimes I'd get
the chance to be seen as funny.

You are funny.

Oh, Chloe, the boys all love you.

I didn't get invited
to Knebworth, though, did I?

Eh?

I went to the market

and I bought a jockstrap.

I don't know why!

Right, OK.

I went to the market

- and I bought a jockstrap...
- Oh!

And a pineapple.

- I went to the market...
- Miss Chloe Gemmell?

You all right?

Yeah, I think that's it now.

Aw...!

Listen to that crowd!

I can almost smell
the burgers just frying

in the stalls
at the side of the fields.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!
Oh, no, what?

Some tall bastard's
just stood in front of me.

I can't see the stage any more!

Do you know what?
I fucking hate that!

You can get on my
shoulders if you want!

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh. Maybe you should
get on my shoulders.

Yeah.

This is nice.

Why don't we invite Izzy around?

No.

No, I...

I like it when it's just us two.

I love Izzy,

but... but I think her head would've
exploded if I'd told her.

Yeah. It needed to be you.

Come here.

Aw...

You're all right, though, yeah?

Chloe...

Hmm?

I wasn't in France this year.

Where were you?

I've been ill.

What do you mean, ill?

Like, proper ill?

I did something stupid.

I hurt myself.

Why, Rae?

Why would you do that?

I've got it!

Hello.

Hiya.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just listening to Knebworth. Why?

Yeah, all right!

All right, fine. Bye.

That was Stephen.

He wants to talk, so, um...

I'm going to go round to his house.

When?

You know, I need to go.

We'll talk about this
when I get back, I promise.

Chloe, I...

Rae, I really need to know
what he's got to say.

Can you stay here so my
parents still think I'm in?

What?

Look, Rae, please! I'll be...
I'll be as quick as I can.

OK? So just... just stay here.

I'll be half an hour... tops.

OK? Just don't move.