My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Big Wide World - full transcript

Un-shitting-believable.

I'm Dr Khan's replacement. Dr Gill.

You can call me Kester.

- Is it Rachel?
- Rae.

I told Dr Khan to ask you
to start keeping a diary.

But you can't read it
because Dr Khan...

I don't want to read it.

It's private. It's for you.

Are you always this quiet?

You know, there's a theory

that you can discern the majority
of a person's characteristics



in the first five seconds
of meeting them.

What do your instincts say about me?

My instincts say that a bird
took a dump on your head.

So...

You survived the first week
still in one piece, I see.

What have we been up to?

Look, with Dr Khan,
we would just talk...

I'm not Dr Khan.

So...

what have we been up to this week?

Not much.

Big lie. This week has, in fact,
been pretty momentous.

Wednesday, 10th July, 1996.

Freedom.



Dear Diary, I'm 16,
I weigh 16.5 stone

and I live in Lincolnshire.

My interests include music, vegging
out and finding a fit boy...

Oh, scratch that, any boy,
to quench my ever-growing horn.

Unfortunately, I already have a
lover that makes me look pregnant.

Food.

But, well, there is a difference
between snacking and bingeing.

And I don't binge any more.

And if anyone ever finds this diary

and reads it and comes to
the conclusion that I'm crazy...

they'd be spot on.

Go away. I'm not speaking
to you.

Why not?

You're abandoning me. You're leaving
me here with all the mentals.

I'll be back for my sessions
all the time.

You won't be back.

You'll be off going to loads
of parties,

boy parties.

Tix, we both know that there are
zero cool people in Lincolnshire.

Tissue, please, Skinny.

Did you get a new toothbrush?

I'm gonna miss you.

'Poor, lovely, messed-up Tixy.'

Here.

Go.

Hi, Rae.

Hi.

'Dr Nick Kassar,

'expert moistener of lady gardens.

'I wanna eat his face!'

It's, erm... It's good for the skin.

Yeah, I know, yeah.
I drink two litres a day.

Problem is, it makes you go to the
loo every half hour.

I'm getting picked up in 20 minutes.

What a shame.

Why is that?

Because I never got a chance
to do a sex on you.

Rae.

Yeah.

Don't get up to any mischief.

Well, don't go changing!

You keep drinking that water!

'Oh, God. Why do I always say
such twattish things?'

Four months locked away.

Four months convincing people

my finger is no longer on the
self-destruct button.

Finally, I was leaving.

Finally, I was free.

I'm not ready.

Where are you?
Outside.

I'm freaking out.

I'm having a freak-out.

Just count to ten.

I'm not strong enough
to make it on my own.

You're not on your own. You've got
your mum and all your friends.

My mum's a nightmare,
and I haven't got any friends.

You're my friend.

The pips are going.

What if something really bad
happens?

What if I have a proper freak-out,
what then?

Just count to ten.

Yeah, but...

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

I'm sorry I was late.
It's only been ten minutes.

40 minutes.

Give over with your 40 minutes.

You talk more random
than duck shite sometimes.

D'you want one?

When have I ever smoked?

You might have started.

Might have some Blue Ribands
in the glove box.

No, no. I can't, love.
No, I'm on the alphabet diet.

The what?

Each week, you only eat food
beginning with a certain letter.

Makes you rotate all your food types.
This week it's W.

So, you've nearly done
the entire alphabet?

No. I started on S, cos I bought
a load of Scotch eggs on the cheap.

I've lost six pounds, though.

That's, what, just over a month,

month and a bit.

Have Blue Ribands got wafer in it?

Wafer begins with a W.

Oh, no.

Rae?

Who's that?

Chloe.

Rae! Oh, my God!

Chloe? Blood and stomach pills,
she's blossomed.

Look at the chest.

Please don't embarrass me.

Oh, get over yourself.

And don't be long. We're in a rush.

Oh, my God! Come here!

Why didn't you tell me you were
back? How was France?

France?

Yeah, it was great.
It was really nice.

I can't believe you've been gone
three months.

Four months.

- Yeah, well...
- Rae!

I'm glad you're back, anyway...

Thanks.

I should go.

Oh, no, no, no. Listen, listen...

Come to the pub tonight
with the gang.

I've started hanging round with the
sixth formers from Wellesley Park.

The guys are fit as, right?

- And they're all single.
- Chop!

So, please come, sweets.

Please!

'Yes, please...'

Yeah?

I mean, um, yeah...

I'm a bit busy, but it would be cool
to hang out with you.

In France, all I did was hang.
Definitely.

I'd probably get withdrawal symptoms
if I stopped hanging.

Yeah.

Rae!

Well, I'll see you later, then.

Bye.

France?!

Well, I had to say something.
You told me not to tell anyone.

France?!

Why didn't you just say
I had glandular fever or summat?

'Welcome to the house of pain.

'Barely enough room for one person,

'let alone me and her.

'I'm not even in
and I wanna get out.'

Come on, Rachel.
I've got something to show you.

What?

Rae, this is Karim.

My lover.

Isn't he something?

Ohhh! Say hello! Say hello,
say hello.

Pleased to meet you.

Why were you in the boot?

Oh... Well, he can't speak
much English.

He speaks Arabic and French.

That's what they speak in Tunisia.

Er... Help...

Right, who'd like a sticky waffle?

Why was he in the chuffing boot?

Look... Right, look.
He hasn't done anything wrong,

but there are people looking for him.

What people?
Immigration.

He's not allowed to be here.
Not just yet. Not just for now.

He, er...

He ran away
from this holding place, and...

we fell in love.

Now, no-one can know about this.

Not just for now. Is that OK, Rachel?

Oh, Karim!

Put me down, you bloody beast!

Oh!

There is a difference
between snacking and bingeing.

And I don't binge any more.

Ever feel like you're returning
to the scene of a crime?

Oh, Damon. I love you,
but I've gotta get out of this house

and meet some real boys.

Right, look.

Before you meet everyone,
just try and be cool, yeah?

I could try and get you in with them,
but they're a pretty exclusive bunch,

so... just don't be upset
if it doesn't happen.

OK?
Yeah.

You ready?
Yeah.

Come on.

Izzy.

'Being in a pub is weird

'when eight hours earlier
you were in a mental ward.

'I felt like a criminal,
like a renegade,

'like it was so obvious
I wasn't meant to be there.'

Sorry, lover!

'I felt alive.'

Everyone, this is Rae.

You all right?

Hiya!
All right?

Do you want a drink?
Cos Chop can get served.

Er, no, it's all right.
I don't drink.

Really?

Yeah.

Where's Archie?

Somewhere.
He said he was coming, so...

What are you doing, you benny?
You trying to get us kicked out?

Here y'are. Make yourself useful
and take a picture

of the biggest pythons
in sports entertainment.

What, these ones?
Them ones or them ones?

Here y'are.
Let me have a go.

Archie, get up here!

Archie, get up here!

Cheers.

Go on, Arch!

Go on! Go on!

Now, this is a little hit
that came out a few months back.

♪ Well, I tried to tell you so

♪ But I guess you didn't know

♪ As the sad story goes

♪ Baby, now I've got to flow

♪ Cos I knew it from the start

♪ Baby, when you broke my heart

♪ That I had to come again
and show you that I'm real

♪ You lied to me

♪ All those times I said that I
loved you

♪ You lied to me

♪ And I tried, yes, I tried

♪ Return of the Mack... ♪

'Two words.

'Gushington Central.

'So, this is what I've worked out
so far about the gang.

'There's Chloe,

'who's, like, my oldest friend.

'We kind of grew apart over
the last year.

'I guess I kind of had
my own stuff going on.

'Like wondering why my best friend
was growing apart from me.

'Like wondering why I was having
a secret mental breakdown.

'But whatever. It's complicated, '
I guess.

There's no topping on this.

There's no topping on this.
You've opened the box
upside down, you div.

'Then there's Izzy.

'She's so cute. I've only known her
for two hours, but I can't imagine

'she'd have a negative thought
about...anything.'

You two are so like a married couple
sometimes.

Uh, gross!
It'd be like marrying me sister.

Yeah! So gross!

'There's three boys.

'Chop. Rating - slice.

'He doesn't even go to school.

'Chloe says he works down at some
garage, fixing cars or summat.'

I don't care what you say, Jennifer
Aniston is fitter than Pammy.

There's only one woman
that's fitter than both.

Bollocks. Who?

Your mum!

No...

'And Finn's a bit of a grumpy sod.

'He's such an epic slice,

'but he massively knows it.'

Argh!

'And finally...

'..Archie. Ultimate slice.

'Half geek, half rock god.

'So hot, he'd make a priest kick
a hole in a stained-glass window.

'I wanna do 14,000 romances on him.'

'I couldn't believe it.

'There were cool people
in Lincolnshire.

'This was it.

'This was my chance.'

Oh, everyone.
What?

Announcement, right?
Party at mine on Saturday

to celebrate Izzy's birthday.

'And all I had to do was just...'

Here y'are, Chloe's mate!

Take a picture!

It's Rae.

May, take a picture of us, will you?

Chop, your guns
nearly don't fit in that picture!

I've decided.

There are three ways Archie
is gonna go out with me.

One - if he's secretly
got a thing for big women,

like Lenny Henry has
for Dawn French.

Two - apocalyptic catastrophe

takes out all of the women
on the Earth,

and therefore my humps become
a precious commodity.

Three - I feed him biscuits
until he's fat too.

If this goes in the bin, Archie will
definitely sleep with me.

I had to see you.

What are you doing here?

Let's not talk.

Mmm. Kiss my neck, Archie.

Please, for me.

What?

Please, I beg you.

Why are you talking like that?

Please.

Oh, Karim!
Oh! Oh! Karim! Karim! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Karim! Karim!

Oh, my God!

I...can't... believe it!

What?

Do you have any idea what time
it is?

It's quarter to five.

It's quarter to five.

And I'm awake!

What do you want? A chufty badge
and a round of applause?

I want to go to sleep knowing that
I'm not gonna be woken up

by the sound of you
getting your bones jumped.

I beg your pardon?!

Just stop having sex at top volume,
yeah?

I didn't know we were being loud.

There's people in Peterborough that
think the world's coming to an end.

Oh, come on, Rachel. You talk more
random than duck shite sometimes.

Will you just stop saying that?

It's just stupid.

You watch your tone with me,
young lady.

You remember who you're talking to.

D'you know what?

'And then I said it.

'The worst thing I've ever said
to my mum.

'And, as I'm feeling mega guilty
anyway,

'we might as well do the top three.'

Mum, why's your bum bigger
than all the other mums' bums?

Rachel... Earl!

Come on.

I wanted a Kylie one.

Well, maybe I couldn't afford
a Kylie one.

Maybe if you hadn't made Dad leave,
we'd be able to get nice things.

Rachel... Earl!

All right!

It's no wonder I went mental, is it?

When I've got the biggest screw-up

in the history of screw-ups
for a parent.

Go on. Say it.

"Rachel Earl!"

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Thursday, the 11th of July, 1996.

No-one's called.

I loved Thursdays in the hospital.

In the mornings,

me and Tix would catch up
on the charts

and have toast.

And in the afternoon, we'd have
group and then go out to the lake

with Danny Two Hats
and play Ten Questions.

But now, there's a new gang,
I suppose.

But why haven't they called?

Have I fucked it up already?

Rae?

What are you doing here?

I was just passing.

I thought I'd nip in.

I would have rang to say we were all
coming down, but...

it was kind of a spontaneous thing.

You know how it is.

Archie, put summat decent on
the jukebox, will you?

'Music. My turf.

'Go big or go home.'

I'll do it.

No, I want Archie to do it.

He knows his music.

I know my music.

Look, May...
Rae.

As in Raymond?
As in Rachel.

Whatever. Rae, it's my 20p, and I
want Archie to do it, all right?

If you don't like what I put on,
I'll give you your 20p back.

It was time to drop the big guns.

And I hereby present my case
for gang membership.

Spin on that, Finn.

Tune!

Nice one!

Yeah, it's not
bad... for mainstream.

I don't think we've been introduced
properly. I'm Archie.

Hi, Archie.

'I'd shag him until there was
nothing left.

'Just a pair of glasses
and a damp patch.'

Rae, you're still coming to my party
on Saturday, right?

Am I invited?

Of course you are! Silly moo!

Tell everyone!

All right.

Right, listen. As you all know,

I am proper excited
about moving into my new house,

so I am delighted to say that my
party on Saturday night

will be my first ever...

pool party.

Whoo!

Pool party? Get in there!

Are you kidding me?!

Who wants a snakebite?
Yeah, I do.

Go on, you can do it!

You can do it!

Yes!

'I am...'

Friday, the 12th of July.

My first hangover.

I felt like an orang-utan
had been sick on my brain.

The big question is,
one piece, bikini or monokini?

Well, where's the makes-you-not-look
like-a-massive-bloater-kini?

What?

Nothing.

Well, come on, try them on.

'There was a time when I refused

'to wear anything
other than a swimsuit.'

Will you help me get a pasty,
please?

You shouldn't eat too many of these,
you'll get fat.

I don't care if I get fat.
They taste nice.

But if you get fat,
you won't be able to wear a swimsuit

and boys won't like you.

I don't like boys.

And even if I did like boys

and I was fat and I wore a swimsuit,
they'd like me anyway.

Why would they like you?

Because I'm brilliant.

Rae!

'There's no fucking way
anyone's gonna see me in this.'

Phhhhh...

What are you doing?

Burning one?

But you don't smoke.

Well, I started yesterday.

You know, it keeps you thin.

We're evacuating the store.
Yep.

We really need to get out
of the store.

If you need to cover yourself up
with this.

What?
Excuse me, please. Thank you.

Let's just go, thank you.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Rae.

Just ignore them, Rae.

Oi, Jabba! D'you want this burger?
I've lost my appetite.

Rae?
Jabba, Jabba, Jabba!

Oh, my God, no!
What's going on?

Jabba, Jabba, Jabba!
What's going on?

Just ignore them, Rae.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four. Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

I'm back.

I lasted, what?

Two days?

Something happened.

It was so embarrassing.

My skin feels itchy with it.

I hate to think that people
would have gone home and...

talked about it...

like it was a joke...

over their Yorkshire puddings
or summat.

It's too much out there.

I don't even know how to explain it.

It smashes up all of your senses.

I'm not strong enough
to deal with it all on my own.

Tissue, please, Fatty.

What are you doing here?

I've, um...

I've got some good news.

What?

Decided to come back.

I just don't think I'm ready.

What are you doing?

Stop it! Stop it!

Just stop it!

Everyone in here is holding on to
their lives by their fingertips, Rae.

And you get given a chance
to start again

and you don't want it!

I don't like it out there.

No! You don't like it anywhere,
because you don't like yourself.

You'd better start doing.

Because I've been trying
to be more like you for months.

And if there's no hope for you
then what hope is there for me?

What if something bad happened,
something really bad?

I tried counting to ten,
and it didn't work.

Then you put on your Rae armour
and you charge at it.

Promise me you won't come back.

But I really miss you.

So, the pool party.

Turn up to a pool party with a bag
of booze nicked from your mum,

and no-one'll care if you swim
or not.

But how to escape?

Ah!

Jesus, Rae!

You've bloody ruined my flowerbeds.

All right, all right.

You smell like a brewery.

Next time you wanna borrow
some booze, just ask.

We haven't got the right guttering
for sneaking in and out of windows.

Take off your top off.
Let's have a look at your back.

No! No way!

Come on. It's not like
I haven't seen it all before.

When you were little, you used to run
around naked all the time.

Yeah, well, I'm not a kid any more.

Karim.

Right, let's have a look
at your back.

Ow!

Right, right. It's just a bruise.

OK.

You sure you're all right
about going to the pub and things?

I do worry about you, you know.

I'm fine.

Are you still going
to this pool thing today, then?

It doesn't matter
what people think about you.

Yeah, you're not the one who has to
stand in a swimming costume

next to Chloe
with her gravity-defying boobs.

I'm gonna look like a condom
filled with Bolognese sauce.

You remember when you were little,
and we went to Butlin's,

and you said I had a big arse
in front of Sally Crowther's parents?

No.

Why, did it upset you?

You get used to it.

Besides, I was sleeping

with Sally Crowther's dad
at the time, so made no odds, really.

Got it. Yep.

I'm sorry about
what I said the other day.

In the kitchen.

Wait.

Got it.
Mum...

It's all right. Look, look, look.

Oh!

Rae?

Hey, Rae.
Hey.

There's something different
about you today.

Where's your inflatable crocodile?

Actually, I thought you were
fantastic.

There's not many people that could
have styled that out like you did.

Come on. Let's stay here and chat.
I don't fancy a swim.

Why not?

I don't really wanna talk about it.

Tell me.
No.

You'll laugh.

Maybe.

Um...

Well, er...

I've got spots on my back.

Like, back acne.

Bacne?
Yeah.

Show me.

No way.

Show me.

Show me.

No laughing.
All right.

'Oh, my God.

'Even his spots were really sexy!'

Well?

Well, there's hardly anything there.
No-one's gonna see anything.

Look, let's make a deal.
I'll go in if you go in.

All right.

Aarghhh...!

Stop it!

Is there something wrong?

No. Why?

So, why aren't you getting involved?

I'm DJ-ing. Dur.

Well, we don't need a DJ.
Just stick on NOW 33.

Are you kidding me? It's got
Father And Son by Boyzone on it.

Yeah, well,
we'll just get out and skip it.

You're not gonna make friends if you
sit on the sidelines all the time.

Are people talking about that?

They might be.

Look, you don't want people thinking
you're weird, do you?

You don't want people thinking
you're not normal.

Just come in.

You are boring.

Get on my back!

No!
Get on my back.

I wanna see how long
you can hold your breath.

Oh, God.

So, that's it. You went to a party...

and the party was OK.

Rae, these sessions are meant to be
a time when you can open up,

discuss with someone, confidentially,
how you're really feeling.

I told you. It was all right.

Tell me how you're feeling right now,

but be honest.

OK. I'll tell you how l feel, yeah?

Two weeks ago, my wife kicked me out.

I've been stopping on my brother's
couch ever since.

This morning,
I wake up, and there's no milk.

I bought that fucking milk, and he
used it to drown his Sugar Puffs in.

So, with no cup of coffee, I come to
work, I get shat on by a pigeon,

I meet my new patient, and she's
about as open as a nun's foo.

So...how do you feel?

Pffff...

I feel like I hate being here.

I feel like I hate this room.

What do you hate most about it?

Well, the pictures.

They're shit.

Won't you get into trouble for that?

No. If anyone asks,
I'll tell them that you did it.

I'll say you're lying.

Who will they believe? I'm not the
one with a history of mental illness.

Oh, wow!

What about the ink blot?

Oh, that reminds me
of a sanitary towel.

Then out it goes.

Oh!

What about Buster Keaton here?

No. I quite like that one.

Yeah. Me too.

What did your instincts say
about me...

after five seconds?

I can't remember.

I don't believe you.

My instincts said...

that you see yourself
as a fragile thing.

Like a little broken bird

sloshing around in a bottle.

But if you trust me,
if we trust each other...

that you'll be all right.

Because, basically,
I think you're a pretty tough cookie.

- Chop?
- Yes, my dear.

Come and use those big swans
you've been building

to prise my fat butt
out of this slide.

Not a problem, Rae.

Barman!
A lemon Hooch if you'd be so kind.

And turn that shit off.

Who's going to the chippy,
cos I'm yamming?

Oh, maybe we should play a game
for it.

All right. Yeah. I've got
a good one.

What?

Maybe...

last one into the pool should go.

Whoo!

Weh-hey!

Whoo!

'The doctors looked at my legs
and said didn't it hurt?

'"Didn't it hurt so much when you
were doing it

'"that it burnt to breathe?"

'At least they remind me that I
survived.

'But only just.

'I can't believe I've actually
got a group of friends.

'I can't believe I'm finally out.'

'I can't believe they actually think
I'm getting better.'