My Family (2000–2011): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Unkindest Cut - full transcript

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- (Football on TV)
- Oh, for...

Oh, that is bloody marvellous.

(Michael) Give it back! It's not yours!

Janey took my calculator!

(Janey) I did not! Get away from me!

- You're gonna break it!
- (Michael) Mum! Dad!

Janey broke my calculator!

- You or me?
- I took out the bin bag.

- I made dinner.
- That's why it was so heavy.

- All right, I'll go.
- (Door slams)



- Sounds like it's been worked out.
- Either that or one of them is dead.

- Who's in white?
- United.

- Ah. Who's in red?
- Liverpool.

So who's that in the black?

- Do you care?
- I was just curious.

- What's the score?
- In the top left of the screen.

It'd be easier to read
if it was in the centre.

All week I have longed
to sit here with a bottle of beer

and a glass of crumbs,

watching the game in silence.

- Who do you think is gonna win?
- I don't know. And you don't care.

I won't sit here wasting my precious,
silent time discussing football with you.

Let's talk about something else.

- After the whistle.
- (Whistle)



OK. What were you saying?

You remember that weekend
we spent in Paris?

Hold on. Whistle.

Yes! Ha!

Whoo-hoo! Penalty! Sorry.
Saying? What? Weekend in Paris?

Yes. The weekend in Paris.

This is important, so can we have
a normal discussion without...

Hold it. Whistle.

Oh, yes, he shoots... Yes, he scores!

Yay!

I think I may be pregnant.

- Huh?
- He shot, he scored indeed.

Are you serious?

I don't want to disturb you.

Disturb me! Susan!

You can't say something like that
and just walk out!

- So now you want to talk.
- How did this happen?

Do I have to explain this every time?

Nick and Janey -
"How did this happen?"

Michael... Well, we both said,
"How did this happen?"

Well, at least that proves there is a god.

And he hates me.

Are you awake?

Yes, I'm awake.

Strangely enough, I can't sleep.

Maybe it's something
to do with the casserole.

Or perhaps it's something
to do with the fact

that my wife thinks
she might be pregnant.

Oh, don't get all excited.

Perhaps you should have
said that in Paris.

You're not happy about this, are you?

Are you?

I asked first.

- I agree with you.
- I haven't spoken.

- Does it matter?
- Yes.

- I want your opinion.
- Oh, no. No way.

I'm not falling for that again.

It's like those inflatable chairs
we had at the wedding.

You asked for my opinion,
I told you, you just got angry.

Because your answer was stupid.

- Those chairs were very avant-garde.
- I rest my case.

We're in this together.
I really want your input.

You've already had my input.

That got us into this mess
in the first place.

Oh, so you think this is a mess.

Susan, I don't even like
the children we have now.

I don't know how I'll feel
about having another one.

You have no opinion on something
so important in our lives?

- Neither do you.
- Yes, I do.

Which is?

I think we should definitely... maybe...

think about it.

Yeah. Me too.

Good. Then that's settled.

What?

(Girl) Yes, baby.

I know, baby.

I wuv you too, baby.

Hello. New girl.

Sorry, baby, but I weally have to go.

No, no, you hang up.
No! You hang up first!

No, no, I wuv you.

No, I wuv you more.

- No, you hang up.
- No, I hang up.

Please. This is a "surgewy"
not a bloody playschool.

Mr Harper,
you have no sense of romance.

- That was my boyfriend.
- I am so sorry.

Oh, it was a personal call.
I do beg your pardon.

I thought you were ordering supplies!

Now wun along
and get my fwigging patient.

God! Baby this, baby that.

Everything's baby, baby, baby.

Mrs Ford's here for a checkup.

Hypnotic, isn't it?
Men used to stare at my breasts.

Oh. I'm so sorry. No offence.

Just pop yourself... heave... haul...

Sorry. Just sit down, please. Thank you.

Good. Right. So. What do we have here?

It's a boy.

Did you hear that, Mr Harper? It's a boy!

- Isn't that brilliant?
- It's so bwilliant! Lovely.

- Let's get started.
- Ooh!

- I haven't touched you yet.
- I just felt a little kick!

How wonderful! Did you give Mummy
a widdle kick-kick?

- Stop talking like that!
- Is it your first?

Oh, yes. We're so excited.

I've read books,
been to classes, done up the nursery.

We're all ready for our little bundle of joy.

Ha, ha. "Bundle of joy."

You two haven't a clue what
you're talking about, have you?

Excuse me?

I don't think Mr Harper likes babies.

Babies are fine. Babies are lovely.

But can you really trust them?

When they look at you with
their cute eyes, what are they thinking?

They're just sizing you up,
looking for weak spots.

First they learn to talk
so that they can answer back,

then they learn to walk
so they can walk into shops

and walk out having spent your money,

then they're off to school,
where they collect friends

so that they learn to hunt in packs.

Then finally when they're old enough
to fly the nest...

they don't.

Look at you. You're fat,
your feet ache, your back aches.

You wanna pee every ten minutes.

Enjoy it because
this is as good as it gets.

- You're horrible!
- I'm not! I'm a parent!

(Door slams)

Must be the hormones.

This Madonna and Child
is a perfect example

of mid-16th-century Italian painting.

The same composition was used

by several of
Bernardino's contemporaries.

Note the nativity in the left background.

Let's move on.

This Madonna and Child
was painted by...

Oh, look at the little baby!

Look at those adorable
little cheeks and fingers and toes!

Isn't he cute!

Let's move on.

So...

- Have you thought about it?
- Yes.

I've been thinking.

We'll be OK for a few months,
then we'll have to convert the loft.

Hang on! You said
we were going to think about it!

- Sounds like "we've" decided.
- Isn't it wonderful?

- I do have an opinion.
- Is it one you'll regret?

Susan, please.
Why do you always do this to me?

You always say
we'll think about things together.

Then you rush off
and decide things on your own.

Saves time.

Come on. Remember how adorable
Nick was when he was a baby?

Lying there with his little smile,
completely helpless.

Hasn't changed a bit, has he?

- OK, bad example.
- Yeah. Susan...

Don't you think we're a little old
to be having children?

And by "we" I mean me,

me being too old
to carry him on my shoulders,

to teach him to swim
or play football in the park.

You never did that with the other kids.

- Yes but I could have.
- On the other hand,

maybe older means wiser.

This time we'll be better parents.

And by "we", I mean you.

Yes, but what if I'm not better this time?

You're not such a bad parent.

Where have you been for 20 years?

Why can't you admit
you've loved every minute of it.

At least I have.

I mean, what are we going to do
when the kids leave home?

Jumping for joy comes to mind.

You don't really mean that.

Oh, God.

I feel like I've come to
the end of my prison sentence.

And then I get 20 years added on
for ten minutes' bad behaviour.

Three and a half, actually.

Hi, Mikey.

Hey!

What are you doing up?

Checking the Tokyo Stock Exchange.

Oh.

When I was your age,
I used to sit under the covers at night

reading my comics by torch light.

Yeah. I used to count all
my cigarette card collection.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

Bye.

Aargh!

- What are you doing?
- I'm boning a haddock.

Hey, where are you going? Come and sit.

Have you noticed we never
just sit around and talk?

Notice? I thank God for it every day.

Ouch.

I may regret asking but
why are doing that at 2:00am?

Cos if I did it when Mum was awake,
she'd take over.

She'd take over even in her sleep.

I hear you. I hear you.

Still, I've learned my culinary skills
from watching her.

I just do the opposite.

I've been watching both of you
over the years.

Everything you say, everything you do...

it's all in here.

You trying to frighten me?

No. It's a compliment.

Everything I learned everything
about being a man from you.

What are you talking about?
I'm a terrible father.

I don't know what I'm doing here.
Everything I say is wrong.

That's not true.
You give me great advice.

Remember when we went camping
and I set the tent on fire?

You said, "You can't learn anything in
life without screwing up once in a while."

I said, "Nick, just once can't you
learn anything without screwing up?"

You're right. You are a terrible father.

Thank you.
Finally, someone understands.

More coffee?

Don't worry about me, I can get it myself.

Heaven knows you're
not obliged to get me coffee.

Susan, I've been thinking
about the baby.

It'll be like we're not there.

Don't worry that your child
is being raised without a father.

You go right ahead
and live your jet-set life.

Susan, I want you to know
that I'll support you.

No, no. I'll be like
one of those farm women

who carry their babies in the field.

What field?

I'm from a long line
of independent woman.

You're from a long line of complainers.

We can do two things at once.
That's how capable we are.

Susan, I've given this a lot of thought.

And I really want to have this...

egg.

- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do.

Ben, if you don't want the... egg,
don't say that you do.

- I'll have an egg.
- Me too.

I'm telling you, Susan,
I really want this egg.

An egg isn't something
you go into half-heartedly.

It needs love. Commitment. Care.

You think I don't know that?
I've had eggs before.

I know all there is to know about eggs.

But every egg is different.

Will you accept it if it's hard-boiled?

Fried?

Scrambled?

- What's for breakfast?
- Eggs, I think.

Susan, I want another egg.

Mum, just give him the egg!

- You do want the egg, don't you?
- Yes!

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

I want another...

Haa!

Did you get my shiitake mushrooms?

No, I did not get
your shiitake mushrooms.

They were too expensive.
I got plain mushrooms instead.

How can I become a four-star chef
with one-star fungus?

You'll try this latest career of yours
until the first hint of frustration

then you'll move onto
some other harebrained scheme.

I can't help it if I'm eclectic.

- You what?
- I'm interested in everything.

Meaning you have
the attention span of a gnat.

- See what I mean?
- No. What's this?

You can afford L12 on a pregnancy test

but not an extra 75p for mushrooms?

I can't work under these conditions.

Who's pregnant?

- No one.
- You're lying, aren't you?

I don't have to answer that.

You do if you plan
to stay under this roof.

If I what?

Hey, this is fun.

- Go to your room.
- No, you...

Nick... OK, look.
You've got to keep this quiet, OK?

You have a mistress! How continental!

Nick, I do not have a mistress.

Ah, denying it. How British.

For God's sake! It's your mother!

Mum? Wow! So who was the lucky fella?

Oh, for... I don't know
why I bother talking to you.

You obviously have a lot
to get off your chest.

I don't want you
telling Janey and Michael

that your mother might be pregnant.

Don't worry. Mum's the word.

There's got to be some mistake.

Remember their last mistake?

What?

- I didn't want to tell you.
- You didn't have to tell me at all.

- Imagine them having sex?
- No.

Why would they want to?
Look at them!

- Well, the eyesight's going.
- Oh, it's gross.

They're well past their sex-by date.
Michael just scraped in.

If they have another baby,
you'll stop picking on me.

- That'll never happen.
- Mike, it's never good.

Think about it.
Baby food, nappies, pushchairs.

Where do you think
the money comes from?

- Dunno.
- Your allowance, that's where.

I hadn't thought of it that way.

I've been through this before.
It isn't pretty.

I think this baby could be pretty cool.

It's the perfect distraction.

While they're busy with the sprog,
we can do whatever we want.

All we have to do
is keep that baby crying.

- You're home late.
- Sorry, darling.

I had to attend to a mishap at work.

Another mishap?

A Norwegian had her handbag stolen
outside of Harrods.

- She should have been careful.
- It wasn't her fault.

- These things happen.
- That's convenient.

No blame, no responsibility.

- What are you talking about?
- Don't play the innocent.

- I wasn't born yesterday.
- Yes, I remember.

- Is your father in the bedroom?
- Is that all you think about?

That's how you got into this trouble.

There are consequences to your actions.

- I know. I'm looking at one.
- Don't take that tone with me.

I don't know what you did in your day.
But we carry condoms.

Janey, I'm not pregnant.

- You're not?
- I thought I was but I'm not.

But thank you for your concern.

What do you mean, you carry condoms?

No time to chat, Mum.
I've got to make dinner.

"Hold the absorbent tip

"in the urine stream for five seconds."

Whoo! That's a hard target!

So, are you pregnant?

I just thought I'd buy a test
so we could check things out.

You needn't bother. False alarm.

- No need to be so happy!
- Oh, I know.

- Stop it!
- I'm sorry. I'm so...

Aren't you a bit relieved?

There's a difference between relief
and acting like the village idiot.

Whoo! I'm glad that's over.

Oh, you're telling me.

So, what do we do now?

Ah...

Do you think discovering
you're not pregnant is a turn-on?

It works for me.

You don't really want
any more children, do you?

Whatever gave you that idea?

All right. All right. OK.

I must say, I have to admit,
I don't want to go through all that again.

Well, the sex part was fun.

You know what I mean.
We may not be so fortunate next time.

Well, erm... we're gonna
have to be more careful.

Oh, right. Nothing's foolproof.

Especially if we're in Paris
and the birth control is in London.

The problem isn't birth control.

The problem is you find me irresistible.

What can I say? I have low standards.

Thank God for that.

If you don't want more children
and I don't want more children,

who are we trying to kid?

There's only one thing left to do.

Right.

Right.

What?

Surgery.

- Isn't that a bit drastic?
- Do you have a better idea?

How long are you gonna
have to take off work?

- What? To look after you?
- What?

Well, if it's me, it's major surgery.

If it's me, it's me.

Ben, we've dodged the bullet
long enough.

So now you want to use a knife!

I go into a cold sweat
when the doctor says "Cough"!

- At least think about it.
- All right. I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

- How to get out of it?
- Yep.

You don't have to decide right away.

Just promise me...
promise me you'll sleep on it.

Sleep on it? I'm gonna hide it.

We perform a procedure called
a "no scalpel vasectomy" or "NSV".

- See, Ben? No scalpel.
- Good. Good.

We use forceps to create
the incision in the scrotum.

Bad. Bad.

You'll only feel a slight discomfort.

I'm a dentist. I know what
"slight discomfort" means.

- It means it hurts like hell.
- Come on, Ben.

- Plenty of people have done this.
- Name one person we know.

Nigel.

Nigel's a cat.

But the principle's the same.

- He didn't have a choice.
- Neither do you.

Mr Harper, after only five days
you'll be able to resume sexual activity.

- Hm?
- Oh.

I mean, we'd have to wait that long.

I've never had an accident.

Last year alone I performed
over 600 vasectomies.

I'm just a little worried about this one.

If anything goes wrong,
we have a money-back guarantee.

Money-back g...
I'm not buying a video recorder.

When I push play, I want it to play.

Really? So why do you keep
pushing fast forward?

We're wasting your time.

The surgery's already been performed.

Don't I get a kiss?

Only if you don't
talk about the vasectomy.

- I won't say a word.
- Put that knife down first.

Mm. Mm. Mm. What's for dinner?

Duck a I'orange. Nick's making it.

I'm not paying you to gab.
How are those carrots coming?

- Could we have a minute?
- But the duck's almost ready.

- And ze duck waits for no one.
- Out.

Very well. I can see my head chef's hat
means nothing to you.

Ben...

You promised not
to talk about vasectomies.

I wasn't going to.
But now that you've brought it up,

it's a simple procedure.

There is nothing simple about that area.

It's not brain surgery.
Well, perhaps in your case, it is.

Another round for me and my pal.

- Same again?
- Dunno. Let me check.

Same again?
(Gruff) OK.

- Yep. Same again.
- Haven't yous two had enough?

I have but he can go on for hours.

- Buy a girl a drink?
- I'll buy you a drink.

Excuse me. This happens to be my wife.

- You're married to him?
- I'm afraid so.

- This is on the house.
- White wine.

- Chardonnay or Zinfandel?
- A double Scotch, please.

- What are you doing here?
- This whole thing is stupid.

We're making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't want to force you into
something you don't want to do.

Right. Drinks are on me.
Except for him.

Susan, thank you. You've made me
the luckiest man in the world.

Enjoy the moment.

Without the surgery,
you might never get lucky again.

So erm... when do you
put me out, then?

We don't. It's a local anaesthetic.
You'll be awake for the whole procedure.

- Argh! Argh!
- Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I could really manage some ice cream.

- You finished it yesterday.
- OK.

Never mind. It's fine. Argh.

- I'll get you some more.
- Oh, thanks.

I appreciate what you've done.
It can't have been easy.

Oh, you know, sometimes
you have to make sacrifices for family.

Yeah. OK.

Could you make it
chocolate chip with a fudge sauce

and cherry topping?

Whatever you want, dear.

A little something special
I whipped up for you.

- Custard topped with cinnamon.
- Wa-hey.

If I'd known I'd get this attention,
I'd have had this done years ago.

Like nine months before we had you.

- This is delicious.
- This is your bill.

What? 50 quid?

- I added a 15% gratuity.
- Now rip it up for me.

(Phone)

Hello, Big Nick's Bistro.

Yep. Oh, yeah.

(Mouths)

Oh, I'll tell him.

It's Dr Charles' office.

They want to know if you've decided
to reschedule your vasectomy.

Feel free to add
more than 15% if you'd like.

You haven't thought this through.

Yep, yep. I have. I have.

Oh, yep. I've got a really,
erm... a really good plan.

Ben?

- Ben?
- Yeah?

Are you in the mood?

No. I've got a headache.

- Still?
- Yeah.

Terrible.

Ah!

Susan?

Darling?

- Hm.
- Erm...

I think I might have
a little surprise for you.