My Family (2000–2011): Season 1, Episode 8 - Much Ado About Ben - full transcript

Well, congratulations.

You've managed to break
the world record for cavities.

- Oh, dear.
- Save "Oh, dear" for the bill.

Brigitte! Oh, lovely. New hat?

- My feet are killing me.
- From lack of use. A hand, please.

I read that improving your posture
takes the stress off your feet.

So does lying in the gutter
after you've been fired.

She is right. West African women
carry up to 80kg on their head

and never need orthopaedic shoes.

Don't encourage her. Ever, thank you.

- Is he an anthropologist?
- No. Foot fetishist.



Oh. Do you know
where I can get a bargain

on extra-wide Capezio tap shoes?

This is a dental surgery, not Dolcis.

Don't mind him.
He's been tense all morning.

No, I've been extremely tense since
you applied for this job. Coincidence?

Note how the veins
are throbbing in his head?

See? Right there. That's stress.

See? Right there. That's door.
Go through. Goodbye.

Mum, I'm trying to win concert tickets.

Am I the only one who tidies up
around here?

- I think so.
- Janey, help me, please.

In order to win,
I've got to be caller number five.

- The rules are strict.
- So are the house rules.

Help out or you win no radio for a month.



I've got a one in 30,000 chance here.

You could win a whole media blackout.
No radio, TV, video.

Dee, look, I've got to go.
Mum's gone mad cow. Bye.

- Thank you. Right...
- Why do I have to help clean?

- Nick never does.
- I do other special things.

Yes. And I don't have time
to clean those up as well.

So I just have to act incompetent
and I can skive off, too?

- Look at him, dear. That's not acting.
- Thanks.

- It's sexist.
- It's not that men do nothing.

It's that women do too much.

Besides, you enjoy cleaning.

Crossed the line there, didn't I?

Why don't I start over here?

- Janey, dust the piano, please.
- What do I get for helping?

- My undying gratitude.
- It's a lose-lose situation.

- What are these doing here?
- I was looking for those.

It may surprise you to know that the
living room is not your laundry basket.

Yeah? What room is?

Did you happen to find my underpants?

Nick!

(Running upstairs)

- (Door slams)
- Sorry.

I fell asleep on the couch
last night watching TV.

- In the nude?
- I had my socks on.

You get more and more
like your father every day.

What's this?

It's not what you think it is.

- It's Viagra.
- OK, it is what you think it is.

But it's not what you think it's for.

- What is it for?
- OK, it is what you think it's for.

- So who's the lucky girl?
- They're all lucky, Mum.

Have you quite finished
doing your lunar-whatever-it-is?

It's a yoga position. I wish you'd try it.

I'm saluting the moon.

So am I.

You can mock
but I love the way it makes me feel.

Does it take your mind off cigarettes?

It did.

Hello. What are you doing?

- Taking the TV to my room.
- Why?

To watch telly somewhere comfortable.

Have you thought about Tonga?

Why don't you knock
before you come into a room?

I didn't want to disturb you.

Nick, put our television back. OK?

OK.

- Nick.
- Get out.

Do this, do that. Sometimes
you make me feel like a complete prat.

- I think we're getting through to him.
- Yeah. Why did we have him?

I don't know. I was asleep.

You'll never guess
what I found in his pocket.

- Certainly not a payslip.
- Here.

What? Viagra?

You know Nick.
He doesn't like to work at anything.

Kids today. If they're not taking
our tellies, they're nicking our drugs.

- I told him I'd throw it out.
- Good idea.

The last thing Nick's hormones
need is a turbo boost.

Aren't you curious to see how it works?

Huh?

- No, not really.
- Me neither.

Although, as parents,
we owe it to our children

to make sure what they're doing is safe.

Are you suggesting that I take it?

Come on.
Where's your sense of adventure?

At the moment,
tending to my bruised ego.

I had no idea
it was such a touchy subject.

(Stammers) Excuse me.

I do not need any help in that
department, thank you very much.

- I don't, do I?
- I never meant to suggest that you did.

Good. You're not just trying
to protect my feelings?

Why would I want to do that?

You're satisfied, aren't you?

- Completely.
- Yeah.

Well, good night, dear.

I mean...

Cos last time, I had cramp in my foot.

- It was lovely.
- I'm just saying that, erm...

you know, I wasn't kind of full strength.

- Duly noted.
- OK.

What do you mean, lovely?

Sounds like a trip to Granny's.
"Oh, it was lovely."

All right. It was powerful.

It reeked masculinity.

It was so potently virile
I could hardly walk. OK?

OK.

Hey. Want another go?

Honestly, Ben, you don't
have to prove anything to me.

Get ready for the time of your life.

If you're up to it.

Where are you going?

To slip into something
less comfortable and more sexy.

Yes. Ooh, Harper, yes, yes, yes.

This is it, Harper. World Cup final.

It's one-all
and it's down to the golden goal.

Oh, yes.
Harper towers above the defence.

Yes, and boom! It's in! It's in!

Yes, it's a goal! It's a goal!

There's people on the pitch.
They think it's all over.

It is now.

Just in case we go into extra time.

Ooh, sexy.

Ben.

Oh, my God. You're as white as a sheet.

Susan. I don't need that, please.

It's something I probably ate.

Well, Mr Harper.

You'll be happy to know
that it wasn't a heart attack.

I never thought it was.

Then why were you weeping
and saying you loved the children?

Because you drove
through three red lights.

One explanation
for your dizziness and blurred vision

is that you have
a classic case of hypertension.

Have you been under stress?

We've both recently given up cigarettes.

Of course, I channel my tension
through exercise.

- He keeps his bottled up.
- I don't keep mine bottled up.

Have you taken any medication?

Depends on how you define medication.

Anything that should be
prescribed by a doctor.

For me or, let's say, for anybody?

Are you hiding anything
from me, Mr Harper?

I, erm...

Between you and me,
I may have taken a... (Mouths)

A what?

Viagra.

So it was something you ate!

You needn't be ashamed
of taking Viagra, Mr Harper.

- A lot of men your age are using it.
- No, no, no.

It has nothing to do with age.
I was under pressure.

Yes, competing with
a 20-year-old in your head.

Why are you laughing?
It was all your idea.

- How long have you been on it?
- No, it was a one-off.

Not even!

I sincerely doubt that your problem
was caused by the Viagra.

It's more likely due to the food you eat
and a high level of stress.

Yes, in our house, the food we eat
is the source of stress.

How's the patient this morning?

He'd be much better
if you'd stop calling him "the patient".

- Were you scared?
- No.

- Did you see a bright light?
- No.

- Can I have money for concert tickets?
- No.

- Ah, sausages.
- No.

We must bring down
your cholesterol level.

I like my cholesterol where it is.

Cholesterol makes your heart
work twice as hard.

That's what's good for you.

People spend money at gyms
to give their hearts a workout.

I can do that on sausages
and a plate full of runny eggs.

- What is this?
- What do you think?

Oh, really? Thank you.

- You're going to be a child about this?
- Yes. Because a child gets sausages.

- What's that?
- A tofu smoothie.

It's part of the doctor's low-salt diet.

What sort of diet is this?

I feel like a prisoner
allowed bread and water.

- You can't have bread.
- Susan, stop it.

I didn't have a heart attack
or a stroke so leave me alone.

- Stop making a big deal out of nothing.
- OK.

I mean, you know...

It could have been a heart attack.
Or a stroke.

But they act as if nothing had happened.

But you told them to leave you alone.

I've been saying that for years.
Why should they listen now?

Would you like to know
what Dave has to say?

- Dave? Who's Dave?
- He's my guru.

- You have a guru called Dave?
- He's a part-time guru.

The rest of the time he's a roofer.

So what are Baba Dave's
words of wisdom?

"Call it cash, mate,
forget about the VAT"?

He had a near-death experience
and it changed his life.

- Yeah?
- He wrote a book about it.

Oh.

"Live For Today, Because Tomorrow
You Might Fall Off A Roof."

"The collected wisdom of Dave Quinn,

"a roofer who fell off a roof."

He wrote it after he fell off a roof.

Yeah, I'm getting the picture.

Your next patient's in half an hour.
I'll leave it with you.

Are you insane?

Fine. If you're genuinely happy
with who you are.

I'm very happy with who I am.

I'm ecstatic about who I am.

It's who everyone else is
that depresses me.

(Woman) Breathe in deeply.

- And find your centre.
- (Phone)

With every breath,
you should feel yourself drifting further

from the strains of modern life.

(Phone)

Well, I don't. Doreen, your phone.

Ignore it, Susan. Just let it go.

(Rings)

- (Ringing continues)
- I can't.

A ringing phone
is like an unopened present.

Then focus on the gift you have inside.

Now concentrate on your breaths
coming from deep within.

(Ringing continues)

Can't you just leave things be?
You can't control the universe.

I'm not trying to control the universe.
Just planet earth.

Serenity Studio,
your path to inner peace.

You've got a nerve calling me.
Did your whore throw you out?

Deep breaths, everyone.

Let the universe fill your soul
with positive energy.

You think so? Then I'll rip out your
chakra and eat it for supper,

you miserable pig.

Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

Right. So, back to our breathing,
everyone.

Susan, thank you for the gift.

- What's for dinner?
- I'm not sure yet.

It's either souffle or bouillabaisse.

- Time will tell.
- Yeah, well, there's no rush.

It's not easy cooking for five
night after night.

You deserve a break.
Shall we just order takeaway? Please.

Fine. If you pay for it.

What's this? "D... D..."

Oh, yeah. Someone rang
but by the time I found a pencil

I couldn't remember her name.

- What did she say?
- I don't know.

- She cried a lot.
- Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher.

Poor thing. While she was
becoming one with the universe

her husband was becoming one
with a manager from Croydon.

- That's terrible!
- Croydon ain't that bad.

No. Why are older men
always going after younger women?

I don't know.
Maybe it's cos they're younger.

And if older women
only wanted younger men?

Great! Either way, I win.

As a result of an unfortunate phone call,
which in some odd way I precipitated,

he's locked her out of her studio

and I volunteered to let the class
come here this weekend.

# I'm singing in the rain,
just singing in the rain

# What a glorious feeling, I'm...

# Fit as a fiddle and ready for love

# I could jump over the moon up above

# Fit as a fiddle and ready for... #

Hey, champ. Anyone ever tell you
you're a handsome devil?

Ha! Bills, bills, I laugh in your face.

Dad's home! He's singing!

# Gotta dance, gotta dance,
gotta dance #

- I'm scared.
- # You are my lucky stars #

- Are you all right?
- I couldn't have been better

then I saw your beautiful face.

# Gotta dance, gotta dance,
gotta dance #

- These are for you, my darling.
- God, you're dying, aren't you?

- Can I have your golf clubs?
- I'm learning golf. You don't even play.

- Resale value.
- You lovable little scamps.

Can't a man be happy to see his family
without something being wrong?

# Hello, my honey, hello, my babies

# Here comes a brand-new dad

# I've finally seen the truth

# Without falling off a roof

# When your life is crappy,
try to be happy

# Don't let it spoil your mood

# As long as you're in it,
enjoy every minute

# Before we end up as worm food #

Do you do requests?

You are so right, Dad. It's about joy.

- So can I have money for tickets?
- No!

But you said we've got to be happy.

And I'm happy saying no
to my fluffy little moonbeam.

Mm-hm. Yes, oh yes. This looks lovely.

Sure does, Dad. Humour him.

- I'm not...
- We heard you singing.

But you're looking at the new Ben
who's open to new experiences.

- What's this?
- A new experience.

It's bleach-free, low-salt rice.
You like rice.

Yes, with chicken tikka masala. Do you
have any low-salt chicken tikka masala?

You were thinking positive.

Compared to what I'm really thinking,
that is positive.

Hello, Janey! Janey!
Come out of those earphones!

Come on! Join the family. It's fun!

You've got another family?

So, what's a-happening, dude?

I was trying
to win Marilyn Manson tickets.

- Marilyn Manson. She's great.
- It's a he.

Maybe it's the song.
What's that big hit of his?

- Scabs, Guns And Peanut Butter.
- Maybe it's not the song either.

It's a different generation. Don't even try.

I won't feel like an old fart
because I don't like their stupid music.

Feel like one cos
you've got hair in your ears.

Shut up. You're used
to sucking the joy out of everything

like a roost of fledging vampires
but you're not gonna bring me down.

So, Michael. Michael. Mikey...

What do you wanna do this weekend?
Watch the Grand Prix with your dad?

- Or we could go camping.
- Or watch a camping show on TV.

I think it's a good idea
to get out of the house.

- My yoga group is meeting here.
- What?

That's marvellous. Fabulous. Great.

Then we can watch it in the bedroom.

Or we could take the big telly to my room
and watch it there.

Or just have the yoga class
in Nick's room.

A bunch of sweaty babes
in skimpy tights? I'm in.

- I'm the youngest in the group.
- I'm out.

It would do you some good
to join the yoga class.

Susan, please, stop trying to change me.

- I'm trying to help you.
- How? By saying I'm old

- and I've got hairy ears?
- That was me.

It's not gonna work. All of you.

I'm trying to be happy
and I'm not gonna give in to this.

Life is short and I'm gonna enjoy it
no matter how bloody miserable it is.

Well, children, Daddy's back.

How many grams of salt
are in this whisky?

I don't know. Why?

My wife has put me
on a low-salt, low-taste, low-joy diet

because apparently I'm stressed.

- How long have you known me?
- About an hour.

- Do I look stressed to you?
- A bit mercurial, perhaps.

I don't feel stressed.
I feel drunk but not stressed.

- Do you know what I want?
- World peace?

No, I want a cigarette. Excuse me, mate.

Do you mind if I have
one of your cigarettes?

- Why don't you just go home?
- To that harpy and her nest of vipers?

No, thank you. No, I am much safer here
with my mate Ted.

(Glass shattering)

(Laughs)

Oh, my God! Heart attack!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm here for you.

Clear!

Mouth-to-mouth.

I'm not dying, you idiot! I'm drunk!

Hello, darling.

Now I'm dead.

- Oh... Where's the aspirin?
- Sleep well?

I feel terrible.
I had nightmares of Nick kissing me.

I had nightmares of sleeping
next to a belching, snorting soak.

- Oh, really? Did the kids see?
- Oh, yes.

- Michael made a video.
- Oh, my God!

I feel terrible. Oh, I should be whipped.

But please, first, God,
where's the aspirin?

Quite a performance, Dad.
I might be scarred for life.

- But I can be bought.
- Live with the scars.

- I have aspirin.
- Oh, Janey.

Janey. Janey. Janey.

Janey, how many have you got?

OK... Aspirin for concert tickets.

- Fine. Fine.
- Sign here.

- Thank you.
- No, come on. Give. Give.

- Oh...
- There you go.

So... what was it like kissing Nick?

- Don't touch my mini quiches.
- That's what the smell is.

They're for my yoga group.

- You can have carrot sticks.
- Oh, joy.

When I was lying on the floor
with Nick's face before my eyes,

I thought, "Harper, you've gotta change.

"No more drink. No more junk food.

"As long as these people are coming
over, why not try yoga?"

- All I ask is that you try.
- I'll try.

And put the toilet seat down.

Hi, girls. Come in, Doreen.

- Thanks. You're a life-saver.
- Pleasure. No, in, in.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Thanks for last night.

It was nothing.

No, I... I really mean it.

So, erm... are you free tonight?

Ben, this is Doreen.
Doreen, my husband Ben.

- Hi.
- You look like my ex-husband.

- Same cruel mouth.
- Ooh, the fun starts here.

Be nice. She's in the middle
of a nasty divorce.

Doreen, if it's all right,
Ben will be joining us.

- Splendid. Let's begin.
- (Celery crunches)

- I can't believe he's gonna do it.
- Yeah. You go, Dad.

- I'll give him five minutes.
- Two.

I'll have some of that.

Lend us a fiver, Mike.

So, now coming into tree pose.

We stand firm as our branches
reach for the sun.

And hold the pose.

Very nice, Lesley.

Excellent, Irene.

- You call that a tree?
- What?

Raise those branches. Stiffen your trunk.

That's what got me into
this mess in the first place.

No talking. Now ease down
into the hissing cobra.

(Camply) Oh, hissing cobra.
Her favourite position.

Shh!

- Oh, God!
- Good!

Excellent. Lovely postures.

- Excellent, Susan. Well done.
- Ooh, teacher's pet.

This isn't a competition... loser.

Uh-oh.

- Down dog.
- Up yours.

Down dog is a yoga position.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, baby, you know what I like.

Couldn't they come up with
less embarrassing poses?

Yes, like drunk man
with head down toilet.

Ah, couldn't keep away, could you?

- Are you trying to be a dog?
- Are you still trying to be a tree?

You look tense.

- Yes. I wonder why.
- Let's try to break through

all that locked up stress.

- Your stress or mine?
- Yours.

Did your husband walk out on you
or was he running?

Hobbling.

You see, typical male, totally inflexible.

Right. I said I'd give it a try
but actually, I quit.

Another man not willing to commit.

To what? Being miserable?
I can do that on my own.

- Ben, your blood pressure.
- Turn yourself into knots

and eat carrot sticks,
but death is still out there waiting.

- We also have quiche.
- Don't apologise for me, Susan.

I've had enough. No more improvements.

I've tried eating healthily,
I've tried being happy.

I've even tried being a dog up a tree.

And what did I learn? Nothing.

Except that the crock at the end
of the rainbow is not full of gold.

Excuse my husband. He's about
to go through a nasty divorce.

- Ben.
- You're not talking to me.

Don't be silly.
That chair can't be comfortable.

It's fine, actually.
This chair is perfectly fine.

- Come home.
- No.

- Have they all gone?
- All except Doreen.

She got into the cooking sherry,

did a moon salutation
and passed out on the couch.

- Where's Nick gonna sleep?
- I do feel sorry for her.

You wouldn't leave me
for a younger woman, would you?

Why? Do you know someone?

- Budge up.
- Really?

- Mm-hm.
- Oo-hoo.

Mm-hm.

Ooh, Doctor, do you treat
all your patients this way?

Only the ones I like.

Now, Mrs Harper...
this isn't going to hurt a bit.