My Family (2000–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - Death Takes a Policy - full transcript

You know what puzzles me,
Father Conley?

The whole concept of death.

Why does it have to be so bloody awful?

I mean, if God can do anything,
why can't he make it more fun?

Wa, I, ha, er...
(Splutters, murmurs)... chhh.

Mm-hm. Well, I mean,
I can understand that argument

but instead of suffering,
why can't he make it like great sex?

Go out with a bang.

(lnhales) Wouldn't cost God
any extra, would it?

And another thing.

Why does death have to go
on and on and on



and sex is so short?

Doesn't make sense.
Got all His priorities wrong somewhere.

Well, you know what they say,
Mr Harper.

God works in mysterious ways
His wonders to perform.

Bit of a cop-out, isn't it?

If I worked in mysterious ways,

I'd be hauled in front
of an ethics committee.

At least let me explain
the range of treatments available.

I want the cheapest.

But don't you want to see the options

so you can weigh up the pros and cons?

No, I know your game.
You dentists are all alike.

Smooth-talking me
with your sales chatter.

Suddenly I'm forking out a fortune



for some pointless bridgework.

You'll probably sap me will
with some mind-altering drug.

Yes, that is a thought but...

To put it in a way
even you may understand,

there are two choices -
expensive and painless

or cheap and agonising.

I'm not afraid of pain.
I've had seven children.

- My God, are you mad?
- What?

Mad about children? You must be.
Let's start with a little X-ray.

No! You're not inflating
the cost with useless tests.

Right, I'll get some string,
tie it to the tooth,

attach it to the door,
and with diabolical pleasure, slam it.

- Are you working?
- No, this is my hobby.

- What is it?
- Your son is on the telephone.

I can't believe you've got children.

No, neither can I. What's it about?

About 50 pounds.
If you want them to unclamp the car.

Tell him I've died, the layabout.

- Doesn't he have a job?
- Yes. Professional irritant.

I think he sounds quite nice.

He's always nice!
That's because nothing bothers him.

He's actually happy like that.

Sometimes to comfort myself,
I pretend he's retarded.

(Chuckles) Maybe it's your fault.

Cheap and agonising it is. String, please.

What are you smiling at?

Er, this is my look
of supreme confidence.

Mr Harper, you seem to have left
vast areas blank.

Really? Where?

Everything beyond name and address.

Date of birth.

Actually, for a job application,
you've got a lot of grey areas.

Next to qualifications I thought
you meant qualifications as in

strong intuition,
unflappable calm under pressure.

Mr Harper, this is
an application for sublevel two

of the finance ministry
of the European Union.

It is reasonable to assume that
qualifications means advanced degrees,

corporate experience
and skill with numbers.

Again, you weren't too clear, you know?

- Is that clear enough?
- (Laughs)

You're just testing
my unflappable calm under pressure.

No, I'm not. Security!

Hello. Is my husband busy?

It says here, "Woman gives birth
to ten-pound alien."

- Do you believe that?
- Trust me.

From the moment they pop out,
they're all aliens.

- So is he in?
- On what level?

- I don't like your attitude.
- I don't like your moustache.

I'm not sure
he's much of a people person.

No, but great legs.

- Busy?
- Very.

Liar. Is Ronnie Peschmuller
still with the Foreign Office?

- Who?
- Sang Waterloo at our wedding.

The only person who sang
at our wedding was your father -

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

over and over until your mother
had him locked in the car.

Maybe it wasn't our wedding

but it was somebody's wedding
and we were there.

- So do you remember his number?
- Whose?

You know, whatshisname.

It's, erm, zero, blank,
something, blank, something.

- You're not even trying.
- I'm actually not trying, no.

But why the Foreign Office?

It's probably nothing
but one of our tour guides

took a group of Chinese businessmen
to Madame Tussauds.

32 of them went in,
and only 31 came out.

Apparently, Mr Chen is missing.

- Maybe he's defected.
- Don't be ridiculous.

This is the new millennium.
Everyone's happy.

You've been reading Hello! again.

So, you see my dilemma, don't you?

In 15 years,
our office has never lost a tourist.

What about the guy
at Westminster Abbey?

We didn't lose him, he was arrested.

The Americans
in the Hampton Court maze?

That's the point of a maze, getting lost.

So that doesn't count.

What about the elephant house incident?

Er...

You always look
on the negative side, don't you?

Well, if you're not gonna help me,
I might as well go.

- What do you want for dinner?
- Chinese takeaway.

Not funny.

See you later. Unless you want
to give me a lift back to work?

Darling, you may have noticed,
this is a professional surgery

in the middle of a very, very busy day.

Ooh, it's like Piccadilly Circus in here.

Despite your appalling attitude, I am
prepared to give you a second chance.

Want that lift?

Mum, why can't I have a water bra?

- A what?
- A water bra, Dad.

- All my friends have them.
- (Susan) Name one.

God, she's got ears like a bat.

Dee, Kelly, Sophie...
You know Maxine? Bryony, Paula...

- See Mum, she's stuck.
- Don't get involved.

Would you like me to tell the school
you wet the bed?

- But I don't.
- Who would they believe?

Ooh, I warned you.

So, Dad, you think
I can have one, don't you?

What? A water bra? A bra, with water?

Considering most of your mates
have pins in every appendage,

I would have thought that
was a dodgy piece of attire.

So is that a yes?

- It's a "no comment".
- Dad says I can.

No, he didn't and if he did,
he was wrong.

Why not be happy
with what God gave you?

He gave me nothing.
Dad has bigger breasts!

What?!

How did I get involved?
I'm just sitting here.

- Why is no one eating?
- The peas look burnt.

But they're not. They're crispy-crunchy.

In many countries
crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy.

- Name one.
- Zamboni.

- You just made that up.
- Prove it. Bon appetit.

- Michael, just eat it.
- You go first.

You're the smallest,
you'll react straightaway.

Please, all of you.

Why don't we just eat around the peas?

Sorry.

I have only one rule -
we eat together like a normal family.

- Normal families don't eat together.
- Why are you late?

Maybe he was finding a job
to pay for the car.

- Actually, I was.
- You've got a job?

I went down the Job Centre
and found a well-paying job.

- Yes, yes!
- Oh, my God. All right.

- Pay up.
- OK.

Erm, what is this?

Your father and I had a wager
about when you'd get a job.

It's good I have high self-esteem.

If we didn't make light
of your track record in employment...

We'd put a sack over your head
and club you like a baby seal.

Dad!

All right, seals are our friends,

fur coats are bad, horrid, uncool.

(Ben) Unless it's your mother's.

- I inherited that coat.
- Right. From 20 mink.

Those animals died of natural causes.

- Very old. Heart attack.
- (Mouths)

In their sleep.

You shouldn't wear it.
It's like wearing death on your back.

As opposed to two blobs of water
on your front.

Great peas.

(Susan) So, Nick, dear...

tell us about your job.

Ah. Erm... Well, actually...

...it's not exactly my job.
- Darling?

I said I found it, I didn't say I took it.

I'll get the club and the sack.

- I left it for Emily.
- Who's Emily?

Emily Foster.

- What?
- She is so fit.

She's got this great smile,
great long legs

and when she sits down,
her skirt rides up till...

- Ah, a convent girl.
- (Nick) I really like her

and I want you to meet her.
Can I bring her round?

- For dinner?
- Not if he likes her.

No, I just thought for
a quick chat about her future

and the small way
Dad can help with her career.

What? She wants to be a dentist?

(Laughs) Right.
Like I'd go out with a dentist!

- I did.
- And you got the last good one.

- Good save.
- When I used to see your dad

sitting on his dental stool, his
white smock riding all the way up so...

- I'm finished.
- I feel sick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not to worry -
Em doesn't want to be a dentist.

- She sells life insurance.
- Now I'm bloody sick!

She's just starting
and wants to build her confidence.

- No.
- We already have insurance.

We... Since when?

- Since Nicky was born.
- (Phone)

You said we'd talk about it later

but later you said
you didn't want to talk about it

so I forged your signature
and we have insurance.

You... You insured me behind my back?

What is this, a bloody Hitchcock movie?

Dad, Dad. Right.

If you buy a policy,
Emily will be so grateful, she'll say,

"Nick, how can I ever thank you?"

And I might just have the answer.

- What, like you know... wahey!
- You know what I mean?

No.

What about just a small policy?

I already have a small policy -
never pay for sex.

It's not paying for sex.

It's paying for
a warm, loving relationship

- that'll hopefully lead to sex.
- No.

All right, how about this?

- You buy it and I'll pay you back.
- Great. You've no money.

- I'll borrow it from Emily.
- No.

- Come on. Please.
- No.

- I'm not listening.
- That was the office.

- Mum, this is important.
- So is this.

They found Mr Chen. Dead.

Draped across Lord Nelson.

They thought he was Captain Hardy.

- 'The Middle East tensions... '
- 'Another disaster... '

- '... dead body of a woman... '
- 'Redoing the Trevi Fountain... '

- I was watching that.
- You weren't.

- I was!
- OK, what was it, then?

There's been a major coup in... Zamboni.

- I'm upset.
- Have some tea.

- I'm very upset.
- Have some herbal tea.

That's what's wrong with the world.

People are taught
to lock up their emotions.

Thank God.

Don't you want to know
what people really feel?

I'm a dentist.

All day, I'm exposed to
what people are really feeling

and it's usually "Ouch!"

After a long day of "Ouch!",
I look forward to a bit of "Ah".

Or a bit of peace and quiet.

- Poor Mr Chen.
- Which obviously I'm not gonna get.

OK, Susan, how do you really feel?

- How I feel is not important.
- Suddenly.

- I'm worried about the kids.
- It's too late.

No, I'm serious.

Do you realise Mr Chen's passing
is their first death?

Mr Chen's passing?

A man they've never met died
in a place they've never been?

These kids are so scrambled,
it's an emotional minefield.

Really, there's no point talking to you.

That was my plan.

Maxine, they really don't look any bigger.

No, I don't think getting closer
to the mirror will help.

Really? Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I'll give it a go.
I'll call you later. Bye.

(Sighs)

Wow, this is fantast...

(Gasps)

(Knock at door)

Just a minute, Mum!

Hang on!

- Busy?
- Just exercising.

I've worked up a sweat. Look.

Janey, I think we should talk.

Right now? Cos I really need to shower.

Listen, I've just had some news.

Erm... Oh, dear.
Now, where am I going to start? Er...

You know, Janey dear, sometimes in life,

things happen that we don't plan.

God, you're pregnant.
I'm so embarrassed.

No! Oh, Lord, no. No, no.

No. Er...

Mr Chen died.

Who?

Mr Chen. The Chinese gentleman
we lost at Tussauds.

- Oh.
- Poof!

Heart attack right in the middle
of the Battle of Trafalgar.

They thought he was part of the tableau.

Did you know that when I was a girl,

my grandfather died
in just the same way?

- What, at Tussauds?
- No, darling.

You know, suddenly.

It being then and me being young
none of the adults talked to me.

I needed to ask so many questions.

It was my first death
but no one paid attention.

To what?

Look, I just wanted to let you know

that your father and I are here
if you have any questions.

- No, I'm fine.
- All right, then.

Oh, and take it back if it leaks,
and don't buy another one.

(Muttering)

So, everyone holding up
under the strain?

Don't be sarcastic.

Although Janey feels
she has to hide her turmoil

behind a fa?ade of blase indifference.

What fa?ade?
She's never even met the man!

That's not the point.

Their whole generation feels

they have to act so cool
and "durr!" about everything.

I'm glad I'm not a child any more.

Yes, so am I.

I'd be arrested.

Oh, where were you last night?

I was here. You came to bed late.

- 10:30.
- Be here by 10 for a good time.

What time is it now?

Five to. Let's get going.

Oh, life is so fragile!

- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no.

It's true, when you think of it.
It's all so sad.

Everything.

Youth, permanence...

security.

All... illusions leading to decay

and ashes.

So, are you still in the mood?

Right, Mr Briggs.
I think the anaesthetic's taken effect.

- Er, you feel that?
- (Shrieks)

All right, we'll wait. Whiny little arse.

Huh?

Why not take a glass of water?
Stimulates the gums.

Speeds things along a little bit.

Very nice of you to, er,
have the onion salad for lunch.

Your son's outside. I am so sorry.

- So am I.
- He told me about your loss.

It's not my loss.
I didn't lose him. My wife lost him.

- I lost a tortoise once.
- Oh, please. Not a pet story.

His name was Spartacus.

I used to call him Roger.

But I... I got over it.
Do you want to know how?

Vast amounts of antipsychotic drugs.

Dad, what's the word?

Unemployable.

He's tense cos death is in the air.

- Mm-hm?
- Not you, Mr Briggs, it's all right.

They're talking about me,
but your concern is touching.

Dad, I've had a word with Mum, she
thinks the insurance thing is a great idea.

She would. She also thinks
she's a gourmet cook.

- Give it some thought.
- I've given it thought

and the fact is, I'm not going to die.
Just to spite you.

- May I say something?
- No.

Much as I've come to admire you, Mr H -

actually "admire" is a bit too strong -

you are missing the big picture.

No, small man, small business.
No room for big pictures.

She's right, a good life insurance...

I'm not talking petit-bourgeois
life insurance.

I am talking the Great Mandala.

What, the South African bloke
with the batty ex-wife?

No, the mystic wheel of life
wherein all truth is found.

Looks like you picked
another winner here, Dad.

According the Great Mandala, everything
- life, death, the whole shebang,

is interconnected through
an infinite web of relationships.

OK, you with me?

People, for example, eat chops,
which come from cows,

which are raised in Scotland,

which, during the War
of the Austrian Succession,

was supported by the French,
who cook with loads of garlic,

which repels vampires,
who suck the blood out of whom?

Bats?

No, people. Who eat chops.
Voila - le cercle est complet.

Erm, Brigitte, chops come from
pigs and sheep, not cows.

So Dad, think about it.

If you buy a policy and it goes well
with Emily, who knows?

It could get serious.
She'd want me to live with her,

which means I might move out.

Nick, bring her round tonight.

So you're thinking about life insurance?

Yes, he wants it, where do we sign?

Have you ever thought, Mr Harper,

what life would be like
for your dear family

if you were no longer here?

Cheque, pen, signing.

- Result! Let's go!
- I'm working, Nick.

And you, Mrs Harper, what you would do

if Mr Harper were gone
and you were all alone?

Well, I'd be... sad, I suppose.

Yes. Sad. But more than sad.

Would you be able to afford
your lovely home?

What do you mean, "sad I suppose"?

Em, they've already bought it,
so if we move along a bit...

- Yeah, come on. Let's, er...
- Go on to section two.

- Oy-oy.
- Will this take long?

Only I have to feed the children,

watch them grow,
attend their wedding...

Are you a smoker, Mr Harper?

Ye... No. No, I, er, gave up.

- Ever had cramps?
- No.

- Boils, lesions, tumours?
- No, no, no.

We did have a plague of locusts once.

Where's the food? What's going on?

He's buying life insurance.

- Why?
- Because your daddy loves you a lot.

- Is Dad gonna die, Mum?
- No one's going to die.

Mm, but you can never be sure.

Did you know
that more dentists die young

- than in any other profession?
- (Ben) Really?

Well, Miss Foster,
so sorry you must be going.

Nick, will you show your friend out?

I almost forgot.
Little man, would you like a pen?

It's inscribed with our motto -

"Anything that could happen
could happen to you."

Including this.

Thank you for coming.
So sorry you have to leave so soon.

Isn't she great?

Mm...

(Sucks in breath) Ooh, yeah.

Mmm...

Here da money, yow.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

- I'm thinking.
- Oh, dear...

Why do people have to die?

(Coughs) I'll get your mother.
She's great at this.

Dad?

Oh, Mike, I mean, you know...

Ooh, oy-oy-oy. Death.
All right, OK. The big D.

Well, when I was younger,

I used to think that people died
because life was unfair

and then when I saw you
and your brother and sister born,

I realised life was unfair.

And expensive.

- Forget it.
- Sit down. Lighten up.

I mean, this is difficult.

And, erm, you know,
I'm just finding my way in here, OK?

- Can I have a bit of that?
- Sure, help yourself.

Thanks.

I think you can keep that, you know.

Try this, OK? Right.

Imagine life is a piece of string.

- What kind?
- What do you mean? String.

There's all kinds.
There's kite string, twine...

- OK, yes.
- There's fishing line.

There's rope.
(Menacingly) There's rope.

I'm talking about string,
little string, OK?

String. It's got a beginning,
middle and end.

It gets twisted and turned,
or knotted and tangled

and sometimes it gets cut short.

- Or a conker put on the end.
- Or gets a conker...

You're not quite getting
this string thing.

- No.
- All right. OK.

I know. Remember when I took you
to that safari park?

- That was Nick.
- Was it Nick?

It was Nick, yeah. Yeah.

That's a really bad example, that, erm...

Where have I taken you, then?

The Millennium Dome.

Oh, yeah. I'm really sorry about that.

Erm...

A... Alton Towers. Alton Towers, right?

That Nemesis white-knuckle ride
we waited forever to get on?

You swore and got all angry.

You forced your way to the front...

Yeah, all right... So you remember.

Yes, well, the Nemesis ride
is a lot like life. OK?

You think nothing's ever gonna happen.
It starts off slowly...

and then before you know it,
you're at the top.

And the view is... is wonderful.

It's great.

And then from then on,
it's downhill all the way

through darkness, fear,
death-defying bends, sickening lurches...

- And that's death?
- No, that's still life.

You are still living but...

Oh, God.

Wouldn't you rather hear
where babies come from?

Everyone knows that.

Do they? Not when I was your age.

Will you die young, like she said?

No, no. Firstly, I'm too old to die young.

Secondly, she goes out with
your brother, so what does she know?

And... let's have another biscuit.

You're trying to avoid this.

- For as long as I can, Michael.
- Good.

So... any other questions?

Well, yeah. What actually
is the point of a water bra?

Susan!

You're not planning to eat
in the bedroom, are you?

Mmmm... No, I'm not.

You know something?

I'm feeling really, really old.

(Sighs) So am I.

I looked in the mirror and I swear to God

my nose is twice the length
it was this morning.

It grows, you know? That and the ears.

I watched this programme once
on ageing.

Apparently, if you live long enough,

all your appendages grow 50% larger
than they were to begin with.

Except that one.

What time is it?

10:45. Let's go wild!

(Sighs heavily)

I'm never going out with a woman
again ever.

I'm glad you can share
these things with us

but would you mind knocking
before barging in?

Why?

You weren't doing anything, were you?

At this time of night?

Thank God for that. (Groans)

Now you've made me forget
why I came in.

Why did we choose to have him?

We didn't. It was the margaritas
at the Mexican restaurant.

Oh, yes. He was almost Jose Cuervo.

Jose! Hey! Two more drinks,
he would have been Tia Maria.

Don't either of you even care?
Emily dumped me.

Now she's so successful,
she only wants a boyfriend with a job.

How shallow is that?

- That is really shallow.
- The cow.

Actually, could you get out now, Nick?

Cos, erm... me and your mother
want to, erm...

(Sighs)

plug in our hearing aids
and listen to the World Service.

Yep.

What's the World Service?

Just get out, Nick, OK?

Oh, Dad, by the way,

your new assistant
at the surgery is very tasty...

Just get out.

Right.

She dumped him?

How long have we got
to stop the cheque?

Ha! What cheque?

We're being very short-sighted.

Ooh, I know. Let's go wild.

- (Ben) Oh, God!
- What?

I can't move my back! My back!

Oh, my God, I can't move!

(Susan, darkly) Wanna bet?