My Family (2000–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - Serpent's Tooth - full transcript

Toast. I've told you about
painting nails at the table.

- I wasn't listening.
- Where are my football boots?

- Where did you last see them?
- On my feet.

So wise so young,
they say, do not live long.

- What?
- I am not your slave.

Nick! Breakfast!

Congratulations, you've woken up
every Nick in the world.

- Except one.
- Ah, purple? That's nice.

Gives you that
"fingers slammed in the car door" look.

- Mazda or BMW?
- Off!

- Hi, Nick.
- Erm...



Hi, Janey.

- Dad.
- No.

- What?
- I expect your next question

begins with "Can I have?"

Wrong, it begins with "Can you lend?"

Funny, they both end with "No".

- I want to borrow your laptop.
- I gave you the old one.

- It doesn't work.
- Nor do you, you're compatible.

Why do you always give me
broken things?

- You always break them.
- I didn't break it.

It just got a little damp.

Portable does not mean submergible.

- It wasn't in the instructions.
- You didn't read them.

I didn't want to get the pages wet.



I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Shall I book the restaurant
before or after the film?

You didn't tell me we had plans tonight.

I left a note on the fridge, I told Brigitte

and I wrote it in lipstick
on the bathroom mirror.

I need more than hints, Susan.

I hope my next husband
has your sense of humour.

Mr Unsworth broke a tooth,
he can only come in this evening.

Why don't we go out tomorrow night?

All right.

- Excuse me?
- I said all right.

Stop laying the guilt trip on me, OK?

If I let Unsworth down again,
he'll go somewhere else.

- All I said was, "All right."
- There you go again,

it's guilt, guilt, guilt.
It's unbearable.

- You must be really upset.
- Ben, I understand.

- I'm not upset.
- Mum! Football boots!

Take some responsibility for yourself!

Why are you angry with him
and not with me?

Because with him there's still a point.

Oh, right! Good, good.

Good luck, Michael.

- Mum, you're too good for him.
- I know.

And you still can't borrow the laptop.

- Et tu, Mum?
- If you need a computer, use Michael's.

Cos it's sort of personal.

Not chatting up girls
on the internet again?

Again? You've done
this kind of thing before?

Yeah, and it worked really well.

Talia, her name was.
19-year-old cellist from Prague.

We had a rewarding e-relationship going.

Until Talia turned out
to be a 48-year-old gas fitter

called Stuart from Sunderland.

All right, so he was a man.

Meant a lot to me while it lasted.

You know parents say
they'll love you no matter what?

They're lying.

I don't think it's a good idea,
you might end up with a stalker.

I'm getting one just thinking about it.

Look at it this way, Mum.
Say I did meet the right girl.

We might get married, her dad
might offer me a job in the family firm

which would mean I'd move out.

(Ben) The laptop's in
the living room desk, top drawer.

- No school today?
- I've got the dentist.

Oh, great... What do you mean?

I'm the dentist!
I can't remember booking you in

unless the prospect was
so awful I screened you out.

I booked her into another dentist.

- You did what?
- She's waited for six months

but you keep fobbing her off.

I do not, I've been fobbing her forward.

If we wait that long, she'll be able to
take her teeth out and post them to you.

- Paying patients come first.
- That's right.

- Family always come second.
- Against TV, golf and football

that's not bad going.

Did you find this dentist
on a card in a phone box?

- Yellow Pages.
- Oh, Yellow Pages!

They don't take anyone in Yellow Pages.

Calm down, Dad,
one dentist is much like another.

They most certainly are not!

No, you're right.
Some dentists aren't rude, grumpy

and think an effective painkiller
is "Shut up!"

It is effective. It makes me feel better.

Another dentist! Have you ever heard
anything so disloyal?

- I think it's a disgrace.
- Thank you.

- At last someone agrees.
- No,

it's a disgrace you can't
make time for your children.

Like the story of the cobbler's children
who had no food.

It's the story of the cobbler's
children who had no shoes.

That makes no sense,
their dad was a cobbler.

Let me tell you the story of
the dental assistant who had no job.

OK, how does that one go?

The problem with chatting
to a girl on the internet

is they miss out on
the full Nick Harper experience.

The piercing blue eyes, the easy smile.

The smell?

Yeah, all the intangibles. It's tricky.

Girls are impressed when boys
take an interest in their clothes.

Great, thanks.

Why not ask her what colour
her knickers are?

- My teeth look wonderful.
- They're yellow.

No, they're pearlescent.

No, Isabelle's knickers.

She told you? What a slag!

Yeah!

Sure it's not Stuart from Sunderland
back for another pop?

No, she's French, she's called Isabelle,
she's a swimwear model

and her father is chairman
of a major electronics business.

Does the phrase "pull the other one"
mean anything to you?

Oh, you think she's got a sister?

Hello.

Hello.

What is that?

- It's a rabbit.
- I can see it's a rabbit but what is it?

Well, I wanted a rabbit
so I bought a rabbit.

You didn't ask our permission.

Well, I'm rebelling.

A rebel with a rabbit.

You told me to
take more responsibility.

I say a lot of things.

I told your father
he looked good in a tank top.

It's a symbol of my independence.

That's nice, dear.
Take it back to the shop.

If you make me take it back,
I'll never believe you again.

I'll become aimless and remote,
my schoolwork will suffer.

He'll become another Nick.

Welcome to your new home.

- Keep it away from the food.
- Yeah.

We don't want to kill it on its first day.

Stop admiring your teeth
and eat something.

Mel says you've got to love yourself
before others can love you.

Well, keep trying.

- What is this?
- Toad in the hole.

But we don't have any sausages.

So it's just hole?

It's not just hole, it's French.

It's toad en vacances.

- Hello.
- Good evening.

Nice to meet you. I'm Susan Harper
and these are your children.

- (All) Hello!
- All right, I'm late

but it's the only time
some people can come in.

And don't ask me
what sort of day I've had.

OK, I'll tell you anyway.

- In a word, bloody awful.
- That's two words.

And I've got another two words for you.

- Do I get dinner?
- That's four words.

- It's in the kitchen.
- Oh, it's in the kitchen.

- Any specific location?
- On the counter.

Ah.

I think it needs to go in for a bit longer.

Janey, what are you doing?

Mel says water should
be savoured like a fine wine.

Who is Mel? And why is she suddenly
the font of all girlie wisdom?

- Mel is a he.
- (Chuckles) Ah, a he!

How lovely. You can bring
your new friend round for tea,

and, if he's anything like the last one,
he can bring his probation officer.

It's not like that. It's Mel -
Mel Fraser, my dentist.

Oh, yes. Mr Dial-A-Dentist.

Mr Fillings In A Jiffy

And A Free Travel Clock
On Your Third Visit.

Dad, he's cool. He's got an earring.

Oh, an earring?
That's some marvellous qualifications.

In dentistry
that's the equivalent of an OBE.

- And he's from Australia.
- Oh, he's an Australian?

That completely revises
my opinion of him,

how could I be so blinkered?

- You're just jealous.
- Why should I be jealous?

Because you see dentistry
as a dark and horrible wasteland

whereas Mel sees dentistry as a calling,
filled with life, joy and hope.

He's obviously doing it wrong!

- Let it go.
- I... I can't.

What exactly is it that's bothering you?

- She's my little girl.
- So now she's your little girl.

Yesterday she was an
"airheaded shopping machine from hell."

I can't help being multilayered.

Aren't you overreacting?

- She's had crushes before.
- This is a dentist.

- It's still a schoolgirl crush.
- But where could it lead?

Oh, Ben.

She's brushing so hard she could
damage her epithelial cuff.

- Are you sure?
- I'm a professional.

If you feel so strongly about it,
talk to her.

Sit her down, father to daughter,

and explain how you feel.

You're right, I'm overreacting.

Things will look different in the morning.

Yeah. Usually worse.

Good night.

I read that the older you get,
the less sleep you need.

Really? What are you supposed
to do with all that extra time?

I've got a few ideas.

- I'm always open to ideas.
- That's not true

but I'm not going to argue.

- Oh, my God.
- What's wrong?

- That molar, upper right five.
- What about it?

You've had the cracked filling repaired.

Have I?

The tongue never lies, Susan.

- Let me have a look. Open up.
- No, what are you doing?

What do you think I am, a horse?

I don't believe it!

That is not my handiwork!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
anything but that!

You've been seeing another dentist!

Of course I have.
I told you a dozen times

about that filling
and you never did anything.

- I was busy!
- I have needs, Ben!

I turn my back for one moment
and you sneak off to see someone else.

You couldn't wait, could you?

Oh, come on, Ben.

It was one time.

Yeah, yeah, this is where it starts,
isn't it, Susan?

It didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean anything?

What was he like?

Excuse me?

Was he good?

- He was all right.
- What, better than me?

Different.

What was different?
Was it his technique?

Or his equipment?

Well...

he did take a lot more time than you.

We are still talking dentistry, aren't we?

- Of course we are.
- Susan, how could you?

My own wife and Surfing Mel.

- Where are you going?
- I just...

can't look at you at the moment.

I mean, you can see why
I'm so hurt, can't you?

Sure, I'm a husband and a father
but above all, I'm a dentist.

A family dentist.

That's what I do. That's what I am.

And if my family can't respect me
as a husband or a father

then surely they can respect me
as a family dentist, otherwise...

what's the point of me?

Hm?

No point.

Chuck-a-chuck-a-chuck.

Hey, fancy another?

Come on, let your fur down, yeah?

You know, we're quite alike, me and you.

Yeah.

I mean...

No, I mean,
we're different backgrounds...

Me a professional man
with a family and a home,

you a bunny rabbit with long floppy ears
and a twitchy nose but...

we're quite alike.

You know why?

Because we both live in cages.

That's right.

Except you can't see the bars in mine.

Oh, yes, I think I've had enough.

It's funny.

Hannibal's looking
really tired this morning.

Like someone kept him up all night.

Really? How strange.

Has that rabbit been
in its cage all morning?

- They're just raisins.
- Oh, yeah?

I think.

Morning, Mike. Morning, Dad.

Just been chatting to Isabelle.

We've got so much in common.

Yeah? Well, you both stand up to pee.

- Look, Dad, she is not a man.
- Mm-hm?

Look... she emailed me this photo, yeah?

- Hmm.
- All right, Janey?

- Who is that?
- It's Isabelle.

It looks nothing like a gas fitter.

No, Dad - Isabelle.
French, fabulous, female.

- Fraud.
- Huh?

Look, last month's copy of Vogue,
your picture of Isabelle.

Notice any resemblance?

So?

She's a model who
happens to appear in Vogue.

Let it go, Nick. The word trust
isn't in their vocabulary.

Put that rabbit away, please.
You're giving me the creeps.

You look like a Bond villain.

Have you noticed anything
strange about that rabbit?

Yes, it's been here two days
and hasn't asked me for money yet.

No. No, I swear he looks at me funny.

You should be used to that by now.

- I think it's evil.
- Your father's not evil, dear.

A bit pig-headed perhaps.

Janey, are you seeing
Mel again tomorrow?

Yeah. I never thought I'd enjoy
going to the dentist so much.

Mel makes my gums feel so alive.

Oh, my God, my daughter's
turning into Julie Andrews.

Nick, would you be so disloyal
as to see another dentist?

Absolutely not. I'd never visit a dentist.

Of course. Michael, you wouldn't
see Surfing Mel, would you?

- Well, he does have a website.
- Oh, he has a website?

I see, the dentist for the techno age

with his earring, his cutoff jeans
and his surfboard.

- Oh, God!
- It's all right, they're only raisins.

No, no, no - my filling's fallen out.

Oh, really?

- Which one?
- The new one.

- Oh, the new one?
- Could you have a look?

I could but I'm not your dentist
any more, am I?

Oh, this is no time to behave like...

- Well, like you always do.
- If Surfing Mel botched it,

Surfing Mel can fix it.

- I don't believe this.
- Where are you going?

Your idea - Surfing Mel can fix it.

Shouldn't you make an appointment?

Oh, don't worry, that's
the great thing about Mel.

- He's always got time for me.
- Oh.

Is that defecating rodent still here?

All right, I was going anyway.

- You knew.
- Was it a secret?

The idea that my wife is seeing
another dentist behind my back

isn't exactly something I'm proud of.

- How did you find out?
- The hygienists' grapevine.

- They've got a grapevine?
- They don't just clean teeth.

Must be embarrassing
to be the last one to know.

Tell me one thing he's got that I haven't.

- Charm, good looks, politeness...
- I said one thing.

Hey, shouldn't you be in bed?

Shouldn't you be in gainful employment?
Get out, go on.

I get it, you want to borrow it.

I do not want to borrow it,
you're borrowing it, it's mine, now give it.

Just a sec, I'm still cyberchatting
to la belle Isabelle.

Isn't this going to
end in another humiliation?

Dunno. You haven't told me
what you're up to yet.

Not me, you and this doomed
relationship with Isa... bloke.

OK, I bet you 50 quid
she's the girl from the magazine.

- You haven't got 50 quid.
- I will when I win the bet.

How are you going to prove
she is who she says she is?

- Cos she's coming over.
- What?

- Just telling her where I live.
- Are you insane?

You do not put my address
on the internet!

- I like to live dangerously.
- Move over. I must get back

- before your mother misses me.
- Plenty of time then.

Cybershift your cyberarse
and let me get online.

- You're already on.
- Oh, yeah?

- What are you looking for?
- I do not need your help.

OK? I do not need your help.

- (Beep)
- I might need your help.

OK, so how, er...

I'm looking for
Surfing Mel's website, right?

- That's a good idea.
- Mm-hm.

- What on earth for?
- Professional reasons.

- How do you find a website?
- Click on the search button,

- and type in a keyword.
- What's a keyword?

It's a word to do
with your search subject.

Right, OK. Let's try "oral".

- That might list him.
- Er...

- That's not a very good idea...
- Look at this!

33,000 matches!

Let's try "oral contacts",
that might list him.

- Yeah, I think that...
- Shut up, shut up!

I'm getting the hang of this!

Phew! Good Lord.

- Good going.
- That can't be Surfing Mel.

You'd better hope it's not.

Someone you know?

Is this how you spend your time?

- It's, erm...
- It's what?

- It's father and son bonding.
- No, those weren't two men.

- It's not what you think it is.
- I think it's pathetic.

Though Nick has the excuse
of being emotionally retarded.

Cheers, Mum.

I expect you two want to be alone.

It's all his fault.

It's all a mistake. I was just looking
for matey's website -

your dentist -
to see what I was up against.

I thought explaining a mistake
was meant to make it look better.

Since you're so good at explaining,

- explain some things to me.
- Like what?

How you forgot to tell me about
your little dental adventure.

Honestly, it's not like I'm having an affair.

Susan, he's an Australian!

He'll have anything in a dress.

Anything in a dress?

Er, perhaps if you went out
and came in again...

- So I'm anything in a dress?
- You'll soon forget I said this.

- Anything in a dress.
- I didn't think so.

I don't know which is more insulting -

that I'm "anything in a dress"
or that I'd fall for a dentist a second time.

That's the point -
he is a dentist. I'm THE dentist.

If you'd come to me,
none of this would've happened.

That's you all over.

Whatever the problem is
it's never, ever your fault.

- You know whose fault it is?
- Whose?

That bloody rabbit!

Ever since it moved in
there's been nothing but trouble.

(Susan) You can see
why I'm hurt, can't you?

I'm a high-powered career woman
and a gourmet cook

and, above all, I'm a realist

and, realistically speaking,
he's a pig-headed...

pig.

Oh, I know you'll say
that sounds judgmental.

But what am I supposed to do?
God gave me good judgment.

- Mum?
- Oh, hello, Michael.

Are you and Dad getting divorced?

What on earth gave you that idea?

I heard you arguing last night.

- And the night before.
- All parents argue.

- Why?
- Well...

it's a way of finding out how we both feel

and, once we've done that,
things are easier.

How do you mean, easier?

Well, easier for me
to prove your father wrong.

- So it's not serious?
- No.

But you were talking to a rabbit.

Sometimes it helps to talk things
through with a disinterested party.

Like when Neil Parry's parents

- went to see a counsellor?
- Yes, exactly.

They got divorced.

- We're not getting a divorce.
- His mum got the children.

We're definitely not getting a divorce.

Every time Neil sees his dad
he gets taken to Alton Towers.

Ben!

There you are, Michael.
Just so that you understand,

your father's going
to explain what happened.

- You'll only interrupt.
- I interrupt when you digress.

I do not digress, you digress.

- No, I build a framework.
- More like a bloody scaffold.

- Call me when you're ready.
- Michael, sit down.

- Ben.
- Ahem.

All right, Michael, the thing is,

your mother has been very silly.

She's been seeing another dentist.

What he means is he's being arrogant
and not seeing any other point of view.

Or, more simply,
your mother thinks she's always right

when, in fact, she's always wrong.

Although how would he know anything

when he spends all his time
with his patients

and lets his family go to pot.

Whereas your mother thinks
that money grows on trees

and new handbags sprout little legs,

magically leave the shop
and enter your house.

Whilst your father, although a dentist,

believes children's teeth
are repaired by the tooth fairy

- if he ignores them for years.
- Despite all this, she knows

she'll never find as big a sucker as me.

He knows he'll never find
anyone else who'll have him.

That's why we're not getting divorced.

Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Dad.

- I'll sleep easy tonight.
- Mm-hm.

Janey's home early from the dentist.

He's probably got a drive-thru.

"One crown, two bridgeworks,
you want fries with that?"

- Hello, Janey.
- How was your McCheckup?

- McShite.
- Why, what happened?

I walked out. The man's a total git.

Don't talk about
your mother's boyfriend like that.

Shut up. Janey, what happened?

I was sitting in the chair and he...

We were just talking, he seemed so nice.

I can't even think about it.

Janey, you can tell us.

He started telling me a story.

What kind of story?

The story about
the kitten who didn't floss.

- The kitten who didn't floss?
- Yeah,

it ends up with lots of cavities,
it's a good story.

Yeah, it's a children's story.

Mel thinks I'm a child, he's just like you.

- It makes me want to throw up.
- What do you mean he's like me?

Janey, these things happen.

But remember, we'll always be
here for you, won't we, Ben?

Er, yeah, yeah. It's a bit inconvenient

but I can fit you in,
what... three o'clock, Monday?

- You see, he does care.
- Lucky me.

- (Doorbell)
- (Sighs)

- (French accent) Hello.
- Yes?

- Nicky?
- Nicky?

- Yes, Nicky.
- Nick... Nick.

Hang on, come in.
Nick, someone to see you!

- Are you Isabelle?
- Yes.

- Nicky has talked about me?
- Yeah, endlessly.

Mum, Dad, this is Isabelle.

Nice to meet you. Ben, close your mouth.

Hello. Enchantee.

Yes, well, Sunderland's
on the up and up.

I'm pleased to meet you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

We meet at last.

I have come to see Nicky.

Yep, I'm Nicky.

You... are... Nicky?

I know I don't look like my picture but...

Ow!

Mais pour qui tu m'as pris!

Tu vas le payer, salopard!

- So that was, erm...
- My internet girlfriend.

- Bloody gorgeous, wasn't she?
- How did you do it?

- You pretended to be a fit guy.
- Well, not exactly.

You didn't... Yes, you did,
you pretended to be a woman!

- Yeah, and it nearly worked.
- It nearly worked?

There was no way it was gonna work!

- It was worth the risk.
- You're such a loser.

Me? You're the one
who owes me 50 quid.

Cash, mate, no cheques.

Our son has just come out.

As a lesbian.

But that won't change
the way we feel about him.

Believe me, Susan,
nothing could ever change that.