Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 25 - The Bitch's Back - full transcript

I can't believe you didn't read my memo

how many times do I have to tell an

investigative reporter is trained to

uncover information miles you just hand

me a memo you take away the challenge if

you want me to read it cut it up in

little pieces and leave it hidden around

the office I'm not gonna say this again

Frank the the memos it's part of the job

Shirley would you like to tell Frank

what was in this morning's memo okay



everybody listen up I would have show of

hands right now

who is read this morning's memo oh you

brown nose you miles would you just tell

us what's in the mammal now I know that

sounds simple but so is riding a bike

and you've almost got that mastered

stress reduction it was about stress

reduction okay I got the results of the

office stress test and people if we

don't learn how relax we are all headed

for disaster well now all of us Jim

isn't headed for disaster Jim's headed

for Aruba on Walter Cronkite's sailboat



Oh quit pouting Frank you didn't get

invited

face it Walter doesn't like you he told

me at dinner

you had dinner with Walter Cronkite

we've all had dinner with him

Oh like I care like I'm supposed to feel

left out and rejected now I have friends

I have money I live alone because I

choose to I'm happy damage franco is

hard but what was it miles individual

scores aren't the issue Corki I'm not

going to embarrass anyone by naming

names are you out of your mind oh come

on you've got plenty of time to type my

notes

tomorrow morning 9 a.m. conference room

a we are having a stress reduction class

wear comfortable clothes you're all

expected to attend Oh meaning everyone

meaning miles would you step into my

office for a minute if she's not going

I'm not going

close the door miles I'm not closing the

door I've learned that much and if I

can't see your hands the whole time I'm

out of here

miles I'm not going to the class I've

got a source who says the Pine River

nuclear facility is leaking hazardous

waste but he's afraid to go public how

can I break that story if I'm sitting in

a lotus position breathing through my

navel you scored 284 on a test where 250

is a triple bypass I know how important

this story is I want it as badly as you

do but you need this class to 84 it was

the second worst score of the entire

stack at least I'm not the worst who

beat me

just be there okay money people gladden

see everybody's hearing

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lovely outfit miles this happens how

much did you pay for your we just need

one please where's Barbie she's dead

didn't anybody tell you said I don't

know would do Frankie I'd like to

introduce you to mr. guru Prem he'll be

conducting the class guru good morning

everyone

I'm sure you'll find the next few

minutes and lightning and enjoyable all

I ask is that you remain open good

thoughts cannot blossom in the arid soil

of a closed mind let's do this let's

reduce our stress and get the hell out

of here

nobody told me we were having teams why

aren't you dressed I'm just gonna stand

and watch and then do it at home tonight

I really will I promise if I could have

everyone's attention for a moment I'd

like to show you some simple exercises

which can help lower your blood pressure

and raise your energy level we call this

first exercise the elephant waves his

trunk and calls to the herd

he waves his trunk and calls to the herd

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Wow did you read that stuff I put on

your desk last night Pine River has been

buying up land all

we talk about this later and try to

concentrate that's it feel the power of

your trunk

they get this guy as you notice that

smiled I think he thought peace and love

and then one day the police find his

mother and a hefty bag in the freezer

very good now we move into the penguin

grooms his feathers

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this is ridiculous can I talk to you for

a minute if I fly to Pine River this

afternoon maybe I can get close enough

to get soil samples and from here we

gently move into the monkey goes to

sleep and dreams of the stars

I can see me doing this every day

miles I want to go to Pine River I need

authorization make a decision I gave

here you the blood is rushing to my head

I said I need to what me you need one

and now the monkey reaches for a coconut

is everything okay yeah yeah

everything's fine it's it's a little

muscle spasm okay just try to relax but

we want to do is to breathe some air

into those muscles by the way you have

signed a release form haven't you

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hey you Murphy Brown Joe Joe you won't

mind the little picture would you this

really isn't a good time for me come on

everybody squeeze in okay great which

way is the gift shop

I don't know she doesn't know let's ask

that man miles where you been I'm still

waiting for my x-rays what they do take

them to fotomat you're doing free

cholesterol checks in the cafeteria six

months on a high-fiber diet and I'm

still at 240 I got so depressed I ate a

chili cheese dog and killing myself mr.

brown

I'm nurse Hawking if there's anything I

can do any information you might need

for a story just let me know she's not

here to do a story she hurt her back

yeah all right good choice back injuries

are very hard to disprove especially if

you get one of those new interns but

they couldn't diagnose their way out of

a paper bag we do all the work they get

all the glory in the big footstool

I'm really not faking this I hear

stories now make your flesh crawl

I'll be around later dr. bishop

well Murphy I've looked at the x-rays I

think it can forget about leading that

cattle drive are you talking about

you got a slipped disc you're online for

a few days you've been waiting for this

haven't you Elliot I'm healthy as a

horse I only see him once a year and

that just drives him crazy doesn't it

you know every time I see you I regret

not becoming a veterinarian okay let's

review Jim's on a boat with Walter

Cronkite you're flat on your back and

I'm developing and taking my left eye

this is good I was getting too

comfortable you can't afford that my job

it was really a blessing a gift that you

got really close to cracking a major

story I can't afford to waste time lying

around besides I wouldn't even be

everywhere for that stupid stress

plastic it's not the class it's you I

mean I've only been here two minutes and

I'm so tight I could open a Pepsi with

my buck I slipped this is nothing to

fool around with you're here till I let

you out and that's that he's right

Murphy we can handle things without you

for a few days that's all it would be a

few days no more than that right die I

don't know and don't call me doc I don't

like that

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Miss Brown I don't usually pull a double

shift but it's so exciting to have you

here I just couldn't go home and look

here's another bouquet you are the most

popular person in the hospital should I

read the card I don't care Wow Connie

Chung you can't fool me you're having

your thigh sucked

put it right over here I know you'll

want to save it now is there anything

else I can get you from the video store

okay ladies who left miss Kupchak in the

bathroom I wrote down a few of the

things we talked about yesterday

I can't wait to blow the lid of this

letter

I'm really not doing a story I have a

slip dish you can see it in the chart my

cut not it don't let nobody knew your

spine one of those pinhead residents get

a little nervous next thing you know you

got a steel rod left over to break used

to be you know how you doing Merv I'm

having a ball Frank more fun than I ever

dreamed of I've made friends I'll keep

for the rest of my life how do you think

I'm doing Oh Murphy I work on that

temper if I were you there are a lot of

attractive young doctors here and

judging from the way you look you're

going to have to rely on personality now

more than ever

you need to keep this I'd like to borrow

it sometime I know somebody'd look great

in it I'm going out of my skull here

what if something breaks on the pine

rivers story what if the phone in my

office is ringing I think it is I can

feel it see see the minute you start

talking about work you tense up if 20 20

or 60 minutes gets the Pine River before

us so be it your health is more

important I know what'll cheer you up

Bart got a letter from Jimmy now let me

see here dear guide greetings from Aruba

it's been an interesting six-day sailing

with Walter

they say you don't really know someone

until you travel with them well I've now

learned that the most trusted man in

America is hoarding fruit cocktail in

his cabin yeah I'll be swabbing the deck

twice a day and sometimes I'm on Lookout

for 12 hours straight last night I

dreamt of smothering him with a pillow

now he's getting suspicious pray for me

Jim

nice flowers oh yes hello who's calling

one sec Murphy some guy wouldn't give

his name you want it oh what the hell

Murphy Brown here miles that was so

sweet what you said about Murphy's

health being the most important thing I

think she really needed to hear it she

lied to me she said she was a fast

healer

look at her she'll be lying in that bed

till Shibui there's no way we're gonna

get that story Mike Wallace is probably

checking into the Pine River Hyatt right

now this dress reduction thing is doing

your world a good Wow take the phone

Frank give me my clothes I gotta get out

of here what's going on that call that

was my source at Pine River he says he's

ready to talk on camera I've got to get

a fill crew and get our me stuff it your

gown is going to ride up

let me suggest something here what if I

take the crew and meet this guy yes

that's a great idea

wait a minute wait a minute I can do the

interview and I'll go through your

background material work with your

editor why is I've got tons of material

on Pine River it's all over the place

I'm the only one who can understand they

now come on Murphy Frank and I can

handle this it's a matter of fact I'll

write the copy myself trust me

this is for your own good I know I know

and I appreciate your concern Myles I

really do

could you adjust these pillows for me

sure now listen to me nurse Nancy you're

gonna be here forever and I know where

you live if you don't let me work on

this story all the bed rest in the world

isn't going to help you capiche Jerry

back it up a little I missed that last

bit no no no too far too far go forward

I said forward no not so much go forward

go backward faster slower you know

you're starting to sound like my wife

just hurry up and do it Jerry

yep it's uncanny

I need a total on the cuts we've made so

far Marv I need that copy jeez what is

that the Vulcan death grip take it easy

physical therapy is not my usual job

okay nobody else wants to come in here

two of my nurses transferred to the

morgue for some peace and quiet

understaffed just another example of the

garbage I have to deal with look why

don't you take a break okay have some

coffee maybe later we can talk about

your story I don't need you

Willard Scott is coming in next week for

a hernia operation

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Murphy did you know there's a picture of

you at the nurse's station with a

hypodermic needle through it no I did

that

the nurses are drawing extra blood just

for the fun of it and ask people to run

a few errands do some xeroxing and I

think you're difficult sooner did you

see my rough cut your man's testimony

was incredible when we add this thing

the country's gonna be screaming for an

investigation of Pine River

it wasn't bad Frank but it's got to be a

lot better now I started making some

notes not bad it's terrific it was

terrific until you cut half my

background fuck you need at that time

for the interview that's where all the

heat is the audience won't understand

the interview without the background

it's a guys guys guys we're a team here

we can work this out yeah and another

thing I spend a lot of time on this copy

I don't appreciate it being completely

rewritten

oh excuse me lillian hellman i shortened

some sentences i think we're being a

little picky here don't you these are

all valid points I'm not a picky person

oh for God's sake they cut my sandwich

diagonally again

[Laughter]

not choke on it

look Murphy you've been through a lot in

the last few days pain frustration

boredom can't be easy for a fire horse

like you to hear the bell and not be

able to leave the station to see the

rabbit and not be able to run the track

to smell the what tell you

with Frank's God are you he looked at

your footage he saw my edit anything

sound right I don't believe that Murphy

you've been through a lot in the last

few days and I think after you've had a

little time you'll be able to see things

more clearly I guess you're right miles

maybe I'm going a little stir-crazy you

think you could help me with that

blanket you can't do this to me you

think I won't be able to do anything

about it well I'm not going on in here I

want you to get the police beats who are

trying to kill me

well you're gonna have to get in line

nurse Hawking organized the lottery

and look at all this equipment now one

of the lights in the operating room kept

dimming all right how about this place

clear it out

I want all distractions kept to a

minimum okay if we gotta go we gotta go

fine with me so I Murphy guess this

means we won't be seeing you in lovin

bata class that's right

slink away just like the Jekyll's you

are my carts are all your head that's it

that larynx of yours is definitely

coming out secrets have a way of leaking

out one final note this story would not

have been possible without the efforts

of my colleague Murphy Brown yeah yeah

yeah so for Jim dial who's on vacation

Murphy Brown is in the hospital and

Corky Sherwood who's here this is Frank

Fontana

shut up America

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this is where they've been hiding yet

Eldon what are you doing here this may

come as a shock to you but I just came

to visit yeah I bought you something

our captain's somehow roses didn't seem

appropriate Eldon this may come as a

shock to you but I kind of missed you

you know you know if you telling me what

I said this I'll deny it I miss you too

thanks for coming I could use a friendly

face so when you gonna get sprung from

this joint I don't know my doctor isn't

speaking to me anymore I think he went

into real estate anyway all he kept

saying was you have to relax you have to

take it easy how can I take it easy I

just watched our show they took my story

Eldon

they took my story away and they did it

all wrong ah I see you know I had a

similar experience a few months ago I

got a request into a job downtown it's

an interesting project but you in the

middle of that baseboard crisis I was

forced to recommend balm from its paints

it killed me to do it but I must say

that he did an outstanding job

he used a stippling technique did I miss

the world here Eldon if the next time

there's a story I can't do I should call

Bob and Ed's pain

no that's not what I'm saying all I'm

saying is I walk around I see walls

everywhere walls I want to paint like

this one look at the brush hair in that

thing it's disgusting

but what am I gonna do I can't paint

every wall in town though I do have some

interesting ideas for the Library of

Congress I did it without me Eldon and

that's what hurts know what hurts is

they did it okay I hate that I hate it

out you're not getting this are you if

you don't give it up a little bit you're

gonna be in here forever

and you don't want that believe me I

heard those notes is talking they hate

you okay you've made your point

all right now how about a nice game of

chess you know I lost one of the Kings

so I've been using the little top hat

from our Monopoly game prepare to lose

but first I gotta make a call

hi John it's Murphy's Frank still on the

set Thanks what are you doing I'm gonna

get that hair out

I saw the show it was okay well it was

better than okay fine

you're the greatest reporter in the

history of man Frank will you come visit

me tomorrow

thanks I wanted to talk to you about

that chin up America thing what was

going through your mind the future

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