Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 10 - Brown Like Me: Part 1 - full transcript

I tapped miles at a stoplight tapped me

my car is ruined a twisted heap of

midnight blue head robbed a metal God is

punishing me for buying a German car

look I can't even move my head because

she wouldn't wait five seconds for me to

find my station on the radio he was

holding up traffic for two blocks

searching for the Osmonds

his car is fine trust me

[Applause]



Oh guys you aren't going to believe this

listen listen we're pleased to inform

you that you have been chosen to receive

this year's Robert F Kennedy Journalism

Award for outstanding coverage of

problems of the disadvantaged in your

piece no place to call home Robert

Kennedy was my hero to receive this

award it's got to be one of the high

points of my career don't you think so

miles yeah okay it's pretty great

when's the presentation Murphy two weeks

and being as you guys are the closest

thing I have to family in this city I'm



counting on you all to be there what

about your real family first of all my

parents haven't been in the same room

together since they signed the divorce

papers 15 years ago secondly my mother's

in London for the month curating an art

exhibit and thirdly my father is too

busy well how do you know because he's

always too busy if he was too busy to

see me win the intramural broad jumping

championship in high school he's too

busy for this movie you know I don't get

involved in your personal life anymore

God knows I still feel responsible for

the Richard Gere debacle

I think you should invite at least one

parrot to share this wonderful honor

with you after all you're their only

child

he's right Murphy why don't you call

your father what's the worst thing that

can happen he'll say no he is not gonna

say no now come on call come on let's go

come on come on this is not a good idea

Frank he publishes this magazine it's

hard to get away he married this new

young wife he has this new baby I don't

know the Chicago area code three one two

damn you Frank

[Music]

dial I really setting myself up for a

fall here I'm flashing back to my sixth

grade play it was a musical about good

grammar I was brilliant as a dangling

participle it took real athletic prowess

did he see it

no it's ringing what if the new wife

answers I don't remember her name Frank

something with a nil Lois Lana Lisa

hello who's this Karen hi

so how's everything uh-huh

great listen is my father there sure

I'll hold

she said she thinks he went out for a

power walk

years from now she'll still be telling

this story he left in the morning for a

power walk and he never came home hi

great just great

so listen I saw your latest issue of the

Chicago voice I can't say I've ever seen

anyone refer to Jesse Helms as an

embarrassment to primates in print

before so listen dad you're probably

wondering why I'm calling it seems as

though I've just won the Robert Kennedy

award for journalism and I just thought

I'd let you know in the off chance that

you might want to be there although I

completely understand if you're swamped

I don't want you to feel like you're

under any obligation to two weeks from

Friday really you're kidding

you're kidding

great okay see you then

he's coming you see you did the right

thing and he's bringing Karen and the

baby

[Music]

unbelievable absolutely unbelievable

you're never gonna believe this

miles we're sick I'm hearing about your

car I take it to a mechanic and show him

the dent your fender he takes a common

household plunger and sucks the dent out

he then charges me a king's ransom for

30 seconds of work with a stick and a

piece of rubber and I'm not even be

unbelievable speed it up so pull out of

the dealership car looks good driving

driving driving I come up to the very

same stoplight where Murphy tried to

kill me it has barely turned green and

guess what guess what I get hit from

behind again like it just right or

something nobody cares miles you'll

never guess who this guy was never in a

zillion years getting off please watch

your backs

well then children first please clear

off people

[Music]

around looking for Murphy Brown oh you

must be Murphy's father

hi I'm Corki sure would

I'm sure Murphy's told you all about me

nice talking to you where's Murphy oh

this is mr. and mrs. Brown and baby bro

hello there young men hmm bananas

that's from Tina and my own super bra

yeah yeah we've already met listen

Silverberg I've got the insurance

information right here but you don't

need it I mean you just got a dimple in

your bumper

buy yourself a plunger and you can suck

the dancing right uh-huh I'll take that

if you don't mind

Murphy you got visitors yes whoo oh god

they're here why couldn't even come

alone Frank what am I gonna say to that

woman what she like is she smart did she

support the ER a does she wear furs what

did you find out she's got legs up to

her neck nice work Frank

some things in life you just don't ask

for he's 63 years old she's younger than

I am

what about the baby did you see it did

it say anything to you why don't you

just bite the bullet and go out there

now come on you've got two days ahead of

you yeah yeah okay dad Susie Q don't

give your old man a big eye it's great

to see you dad you look really good my

young bride responsible for laughs she's

got me walking five miles a day eating

all that old brand crappy Karen honey

come on come on Karen I want you to meet

my daughter Murphy Brown Oh

Murphy it's great to finally meet you

why now I really feel like part of

Brown's family

hey Murphy you finally got the baby

brother you always wanted I never wanted

a baby hear you say hello to your sister

Murphy I know you want to hold a Murphy

it's okay

oh no I can see him fine from here

no come on he won't bite here you go

Billy Murphy's gonna hold

no no no really yeah

let's get the show on the road here the

baggage Karen you get the baby stuff

Murphy's got the baby that was an

interesting experience

well Murphy they look like you you're so

good holding you doesn't yeah so who

else wants to feel Virgil

[Music]

now we're having fun

okay why don't we go into the living

going to put up here oh no oh no what

are you doing Eldon what are you doing

painting you ceiling hell is he painting

up there the Statue of Liberty in a

Toyota what's that mean I'm particularly

fond of this one

it symbolizes the Japanese purchase of

the American spirit I know I can't stay

here Elden my father Bill Brown I'm not

saying no and this is his wife Karen yes

we are we're not going to a hotel bill

we came here to spend time with Murphy

and see her get her award and Bill jr.

needs time to get to know his sister

which way to our room Murphy straight

upstairs would make a right okay take

your son hold on I'll be back in a few

minutes this is your baby yeah

oh just pack it up Eldon you know pretty

gutsy trying again considering what

happened the first time well Phil I

think would just sit down here with me

thinking sit wait for I'm gonna come boy

things have sure changed haven't they

dad not really you know Noriega is still

in Panama and there's another Republican

in the White House no I mean things have

changed with you new wife new baby

supposed to be kind of hard for you if I

remember correctly you were never one

for kids he looks just like me Toby

be right back

[Music]

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I have a bone to pick with you my

daughter

I hate finding out about your life from

the newspaper especially but there's

going to be a large party and I'm not

invited or mother I knew you were in

London so I didn't bother to I decided

to fly back here to be with you

after all it's a very big honor and I

should be part of it

I smell paint and something else I

haven't smelled Old Spice since oh my

god Avery what the hell are you doing

here what do you mean what am I doing

here I live here you don't live here

mother

well I visited here once and I know

where things are and that's all I was

the same thing Oh what have we here

amazing bill one would think at your age

you'd be shooting blanks

it helps to have a live target

isn't it funny you two just running into

each other after all these years I mean

you just have to laugh don't you that

hat is stupid I can't stay here Murphy I

know that's a big disappointment to you

but I'll have to go into a hotel

no problem mother I'll just call the

Georgetown in you two just ketchup my

staple brush mr. bernanke something told

me that you would still be here you know

I was thinking about you recently

oh really yes now what was it oh yes it

was an exhibit a primitive wall

paintings in Malawi have you seen my

latest work cast your eyes skyward oh do

you surfing of American ingenuity by

Asian industrialism

very bold perspective yes it's you know

satirical art has long been maligned by

those who do not believe it is a true

art form but what is art really the

debate goes on you know I have missed

our little talks so much oh I forgot to

ask if you want to get up early and do

some yoga with me I have these great Hey

tonight oh hello hello well I have a

feeling that I know who you are aren't

you going to introduce a spell probably

not I'm Avery Brown the original one the

one who married him in college and gave

up her own career so that she could

support him while he was starting a

newspaper Borum a child raised it and

then Monday was told that he was bored

and he was leaving and you are Karen

this is a surprise yeah but there's no

reason that we should feel awkward about

this never got over your obsession with

breasts did you Belle

[Music]

let's see go to the paint store stay

here watch this I think I'll stay

I see everyone's met well I'm sorry to

break up the party but you have to go

mother

the Georgetown in has a lovely room for

you but if you're not there in 15

minutes they're going to give it away so

come on let's go here we go we're going

Marvie I've changed my mind I don't see

my daughter that often it isn't right

for me to go to a hotel I'll just sleep

in the den the den just like old times

if everyone will excuse me I'll just old

freshen up interesting family kind of

like a Fellini version of The Waltons

[Applause]

Murphy are you asleep

Murphy I'm sorry I woke you out God just

because I'm awake I thought you'd be

awake huh well guess we're both awake

now huh which is good because I was

really hoping that we would have a

chance to talk you know just the two of

us what good night don't you but then I

know good morning well I loved the whole

day actually I guess you were saying

really loving life what you know Murphy

I've been thinking that I might be in

the way here it's just as a sixth sense

on my part that maybe there's some

unfinished business and maybe it'd be

better if I just let things take their

course you know I guess that's sort of a

Zen way of looking at things do you know

much about Zen

well anyway I believe Bell jr. here

because I feel that's the right thing to

do and I'm going to hop the shuttle to

New York for a few days you know I could

use a break new husband a new baby it'll

be nice to sleep alone for a few days

God your father needs a lot of sex every

night it's not that I don't like sex

that he has this unbelievable drive I

don't want to hear about this Karen okay

I don't know it's hard to explain but it

just feels a little weird you my father

say so um talking to you I'll see you in

the morning okay okay sweet dreams sure

if you like cigars and tunnels

Murphy wake up I'm awake mother good I

forgot to give you this it's a present

oh gee a present for me

now it's a handmade damn from Scotland I

thought of you oh gee thanks mother I

needed one of these try it on I don't

know mother it's kind of late isn't it

go ahead I'm on the sea Oh Murphy you

can really wear hats you should do it

more often

so what shall we talk about I don't know

mother

it seems like we should be sleeping

doesn't oh don't be such an old lady

let's stay up all night and talk about

subjects that interest us like art

theater Karin I hate Karin don't you

door opening the lights on so I thought

I'd come in and oh you we're talking

here bill about women's things pantyhose

childbirth get out are you making her

wear hats again don't do that Avery she

doesn't look good in hats well bill I'm

so happy that you've become an expert on

fashion do you still have those 12 pairs

of desert boots let me get a pen and pad

I want to get every word down oh well

let me start with this who do you think

you are gallivanting around but the

woman half your age because a woman your

age can't keep up with me excuse me I

was forgetting that I'm talking to a man

who now wears that Italian underwear

they sell in a tube

well if you haven't changed a bit you've

been sucking on that same old lemon for

whole did what is going on here

it's one o'clock in the morning you two

are at each other's throats I mean what

kind of family is this supposed to be

we're all adults right would you please

take off that you know I feel cheated I

really do

I had everything except a family other

people would talk about their big

Thanksgivings and I tell about how dad

Saud Mother's person have with the

electric knife

you should be ashamed of yourselves

can't you hold it together for one day

one day so I can enjoy myself is that

too much to ask

yeah well I I hear what you're saying

Susie Q and you're right yeah absolutely

right

well I don't know about her I'm willing

to put those old differences aside I

think I can do so this is where

everybody is

maybe we should start by having lunch

together tomorrow at the moon is that

one of the tie and jacket kind of joints

no no I don't like that no no how about

the fish joint off Connecticut since

when do you eat fish since I found

someone who could cook it when did you

become a connoisseur on food you don't

have to be a connoisseur to recognize

burnt fish

I hate it when mom and dad fight

I love the chimp dial voice could you

say this is Nick at night this isn't a

good night

stay tuned for Murphy Brown stay tuned

for Murphy Brown no is it in right now

leave a message at the tone my good

friend lo isn't here right now

[Applause]

[Music]

you

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it's organic

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I simply can't believe what's happening

to the city some folks get mighty

serious about religion man you better

wake Dede Emma yes ma'am

this is really corny I hope you know

that come on turkey try

my that is a dark secret hmm

try again this is fun

[Music]

don't be so Don damn be moving shut up

and walk it is the chance of a lifetime

come with me

okay come on

oh I am in deed I adored that one that's

it a man and a girl this this is it

god it's so sexist I beg your pardon

young lady girl the word is woman you're

a woman dear I'm a girl and proud of it

my own goddamn father a sexist my

darling daughter

transsexuals can never be sexist so I

find I've died in that hospital Jesus no

listen if I had died they'd have been

munching on me up on that catwalk they

didn't need whole people my love just

amputated parts what a relief

Michael's mother sent him a pound cake

it's progress at least as it wasn't even

a note attached she's trying yeah a

fruitcake would have made me a little

nervous

hey munchies

here take B I loved Brookside yeah so

did everybody else

what's the matter Burke was offered a

job at New York magazine

Oh hope you're not leaving us

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

I mean hey what's this from Michael's

mother all right

also there's this big protest going on

at the Civic Center today anti nukes

thought you might want to join me go

limp together huh maybe it's not your

thing what are you kidding everything's

my thing it could be a real flaky crowd

but we'll fit right in yeah now you're

right darling you promise promise your

passports oh shit

get in oh you'll be careful of strangers

oh there are no strangers who we're

going

how did this happen I don't even know

where Jonestown is so how's business

large busier than hell yeah and we got

all them suckers from the interstate

Bobby got herself a CB radio no we can't

beat them off with a stick how about you

a little gardening hate still going them

meet their plans I just called to wish

you happy Mother's Day

you mean you know I'm a dancer that'd be

real nice like having pictures around

nice evening

oh hi explain get off okay yeah yeah

fine here's this key

sit

I've been meaning to thank you for your

help on Christmas Eve the party you mean

the bonfire

on the roof

you're welcome

when you first got here I thought the

freedom might be too much for you but I

was wrong

you're gonna do just I know

[Music]

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[Applause]

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you

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