Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Murphy's Pony - full transcript

May I have your attention, please?

Who parked their car in my space?

Well. I guess it doesn't matter
that I had to park three blocks away...

...and trudge through a blizzard
to get to my lowly little job...

...reporting world events
to the United States at America.

I guess it doesn't matter that I gave up
the best years at my life...

...working hard so I could have
a parking space by the tront door...

...so that the owner ot an '82 red Honda
hatchback. license plate number 400-928...

...could have the comtort ot warm.
dry shoes at my expense.

Be torewarned.
you are no longer sale in this town.

Frank. Got your tilm trom Beirut.
Great job. Way to go.



Don't talk to me. Miles.

Pretty brutal there. huh?

Piece ot cake compared
to Dulles Airport at Christmas.

Some old lady body-checked me
into the luggage carousel.

Claimed I was stealing her bag.

Like I really want a paisley tote...

...with ‘‘I‘m Billy's Grandma“
embroidered on the side.

Morning. men. Hope the cotfee‘s hot.
|t‘s damn cold out there.

Doing some last-minute
Christmas shopping?

I had a tew people lett on my list.

I got Rather. Brokaw and Jennings
the same thing.

I went crazy this year. Got the tour-speed
model with the wall mount.

- Good choice.
- This one‘s tor Koppel.

Miles. I lett tour urgent messages tor you.
and this is where I tind you...



...hanging around the water cooler.
talking about women.

We were not talking about women.

No one is doing anything
about the Christmas party this year.

Not one single plan has been made.

So I've decided to take charge.
Now. some committees are still open.

- Well. I have my...
- I've gotta go shovel the sidewalk.

Miles. I want you to head
the decorations committee.

Corky. I run this place.

Does it look like I have time
to shop tor crepe paper?

And just where
is your Christmas spirit. Miles?

I‘m not required to have any. |‘m Jewish.

Oh. you are not.

Miles. it‘s all set.
I just talked to the White House.

|‘m accompanying
the president on his trip.

All right! I knew you could pull it ott.

I think I should make a preliminary trip
on my own first.

A tew details I'd like you to check:

I wanna know right up tront
when I'll be able to meet with-

When I'll be able to meet with the-
May I help you?

- Are you Murphy Brown?
- Yes.

Really? Is this an old picture?

What do you want. an autograph?
Then will you go away?

Miles. do you have a pen?

Oh. what is it now.
you're collecting tor something?

I'm telling you right now I'm not going to
give you any money unless you've got ID.

It's little trauds like you
that hurt the kids who really...

No.

- Oh. come on!
- What?

- What?
- This is a joke. right?

First the parking space. and now this.

"Dear Miss Brown. these are my three
children. Joey. Michael and Lily.

I love them very much.
but I can no longer atford to keep them.

You seem like the kind ot person...

...who could give my children
the home they deserve.

This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.

Please understand."
Murphy. I think this is tor real.

No. no. it can't be.
Listen. kids. this is important.

Where is your mother? Where is she?

We don't know.
She said you're our mother now.

You don't understand. I can't
be your mother. I don't like kids.

That's why I don't have any.
Where do you live?

- On Johnson Street.
- That was betore.

- On Franklin Street.
- No. that was the tirst house.

- I can't remember the name.
- It's a brown house.

I have to go to China.
You're the boss. You handle this.

Me? What do I know about kids?

Hey. kids. No. don't do that.

Okay. get in a group.

Okay. okay. We're on a roll.

Murphy. we just can't
turn our backs on this.

I'm sure we can tind some solution.

Hey! Do not. repeat. do not touch
that rubber lobster.

You can't play with it. It's mine.

Why do these things happen to me?

Hey. I've got an idea.

Do you kids know who Connie Chung is?

Okay. okay. okay.
I know what to do here.

We call the police.
They can track down the mother.

- Right.
- Then we call social services.

- They'll take care ot the kids.
- Yes.

This is what we pay our taxes tor. right?

I'll tell them who I am.
They'll take the kids.

By lunchtime. this will all be over.

No. don't put me on hold.
I've been on hold all day.

Hello? Oh. God. it I have to listen...

...to Vic Damone sing "Silver Bells"
one more time...

All right. now. here we go.
Five-card draw.

Now. who remembers what you do
it you get dealt two kings and an ace?

Draw two to the pair
and hold the ace kicker.

All right.

No. don't cut that. No. don't. Frank.

Look. I'm Murphy Brown. Brown.

No. don't switch me to another
department. I've been switched five-

Okay. look what Auntie Corky's got.
Ice cream!

- Bless you. Corky.
- I love kids.

This must be particularly hard
on you. Murphy.

Having to watch them. knowing that
there's no one really special in your life...

...and you're probably not
ovulating anymore.

All right. now.

What's this I hear about a bunch
ot unruly tots tearing up my newsroom?

Hardly the kind ot behavior
that will get you anywhere in the world.

Now then. gather around at that desk.
and I'll tell you a story.

Now. let me get-

There.

All right.

Now.

'Twas the night before Christmas.
and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring"

Look. it's almost 5:00.
I have to get some answers.

What do you mean tomorrow? What am I
gonna do with these kids tonight?

Oh. well. that's just great.

- Frank. you've gotta help me out.
- Look. Murph. I can't take them.

- This is- It's really a bad time tor me.
- Why?

I've been away trom home
tor three weeks. My cat's probably dead.

Kids shouldn't see that.

Come on. Murph. listen to me.
Things could be a lot worse.

How?

They could have a dog.

All right. I see where I stand around here.

I guess I'll just
have to deal with this alone.

I've gotten through worse. I'm an adult.
I've got the upper hand.

I mean. when you think about it. what
is all this whining on thirtysomething?

Way to go. lVl|"Pl1l

Okay. kids. get your coats on.
You're coming home with me tonight.

This is really amazing.
I didn't know you had kids.

They're not mine. Eldin.
They were lett on my doorstep.

You're kidding.

Do we have to live here? This is ugly.
I hate it here.

- I wanna go home.
- We wanna go home.

- We wanna go home!
- I teel like June Cleaver on acid.

Come on. kids. stop crying.
Murphy has a really big headache.

Come on. I'll give you cash.
tens and twenties.

Boy. are you bad at this.

Hey, listen up. Hey. hey. Hey.

How would you all like to help
Uncle Eldin paint the house?

Are you nuts?!

Come on. it's great therapy.
Grab a brush.

Eldin. you are looking at a crazy person.

I sat in my ottice today and watched
a child bite the head oil a Smurt.

There are sticky little tingerprints
all over everything I own.

They threw up in my car. And to top it
all oil. my house is still a shambles.

I can't take it. I want it tinished.
I want it tinished by tomorrow...

...or I will take this roller and put it
someplace that will hurt you! Is that clear?!

I think Mommy needs a nap.

- I'm hungry.
- Me too.

Well. you shou|d've thought
about that betore you threw up.

We want dinner. What's tor dinner?

What. in this house?
How about a Midol sandwich?

Listen. how would you all like to go
to a real fun restaurant?

What restaurant. Eldin? What restaurant?

Don't worry about it. you're gonna love it.
Coats back on.

Do other housepainters go there?
I don't wanna go to a housepainter place.

Will you relax? Look. I'll drive.
We'll take my truck.

- It doesn't have any seats.
- Oh. yeah.

Okay. everybody. grab a bucket.

Hello. Welcome to the Washington
Crab House. I'm your waiter. Brad.

I know you. you're Murphy Brown.

- Right.
- Oh. this is exciting.

- And good evening to you. Mr. Brown.
- He's not Mr. Brown.

Well. you have very lovely children.
Ms. Brown.

They're not my children.

Anyway...

...here are your mallets. And the specials
are on the blackboard...

...and I'll be back to take your order
in just a tew minutes.

Good going. Eldin. Now they're armed.

Hey. kids. look. I see Jell-O
on the salad bar.

You notice how they have to run
everyplace? Why do they do that?

You know. you could be
just a little more tolerant.

All you do is criticize.

It you keep on spoiling them. how am I
supposed to discipline them?

You are too controlling. They have
to let oil a little steam once in a while.

That's easy tor you to say. You're not
the one stuck with them all day.

Just a second. Didn't I take you
to a restaurant tonight?

Oh. nice place. It sounds like
Santa's workshop.

I work hard. you know. Don't you think
I deserve a place with tablecloths?

Hey! Can you control your kids over there?

Hey. you guys. quit it. Stop it now.

Ouit. Ouit it.

Stop throwing tood. you rotten
little Huns. and go sit down!

Isn't that Murphy Brown?

I thought we should have some
really elegant things.

Miniature crepes with shrimp tilling.
stutted mushroom caps and petits tours.

- I don't make that stutt.
- What?

It's weenie food. I do hamburgers.
chili. onion rings.

It you want. I'll throw in
the pork rinds tor tree.

Great.

Miles. how are you doing
on the decorations?

Great. Corky. I cancelled
this week's broadcast...

...so I'd have time
to work on centerpieces.

The party is tonight. Miles.

I want this place transformed.
or somebody doesn't get a grab bag.

Murphy. I need to talk to you.

What is it. Corky?

I don't mean to embarrass you...

...but you're not on any
ot the party committees.

- I'm not going to the Christmas party.
- What? Why?

The memory of last year's party
is still fresh in my mind.

Perhaps you heard about it.
I drank all the punch...

...and faxed my chest to the West Coast.

I don't think I'm ready to risk it.

Okay. everybody. pay attention.
Today we've got new rules.

You are not allowed to yell.
scream. bite or cry.

You must remain seated in this room
at all times.

In short. don't bother me. or your brief
careers as children will be over...

...and I really mean it.

.MurphY?
_Joey...

...|'ve told you. I don't know why
Barney Rubble doesn't wear shoes.

I wasn't going to ask that.

I wanted to know.
where are we gonna sleep tonight?

I don't know. But a nice lady
from social services...

...is coming today.
and she'll take care of it.

It's Christmas Eve. How will Santa
know where to find us?

Santa? Oh. great.
This is how it starts.

First Santa. then the tooth fairy...

...then you grow up and invent
the trickle-down theory.

I'm going to do you a big favor
and be the first adult...

...who's ever been honest with you.

You don't have to worry about Santa
because there isn't...

Because he doesn't...

Because I'll call him and tell him
where you'll be.

You know Santa Claus?

Yeah. We met in a bar in Morocco.
Now. be quiet. I'm trying to concentrate.

Murphy. could you give this letter to Santa?

It's kind of important. Could you check
that I spelled everything right?

"Dear Santa. how are you?

Hope you don't have a cold anymore.

Mom told us that's why you couldn't...

...come to our house last year.

Don't worry. we understand.

If you're feeling better.
could you find our mother...

...and tell her that we miss her a lot?

You don't have to bring us anything.
but maybe...

...could you give something to Murphy
for taking care of us?

A pony would be nice.
We think she really needs one.

Thank you. Joey. Michael and Lily."

I'll make sure that he gets this.

You know. I always wanted a pony.

Me too.

- Hello. Murphy Brown?
- Yes.

Francine O'Donnell from social services.
I've come to pick up the children.

Oh. right.

Well. here they are.

All three of them.

You ready to go. QUYS?

I guess so.

Okay. let's get our coats on.

It takes them a while to get their coats on.

And I think you should know...

...Joey walks in his sleep at night.
so keep your ears open.

And...

...Michae| sounds like he's getting a cold.

And Lily...

...would really like a pony for Christmas.

Wouldn't we all.
Okay. children. come along with me.

Merry Christmas.

Right.

Hey. wait a minute. You can't take
them yet. I just remembered something.

What?

Well...

...it's just that it's Christmas Eve.

If they go. how will Santa
know where to find them?

Excuse me?

See. they've been moving around
a lot lately...

...and Santa's memory
isn't what it used to be.

Just to be on the safe side.
why don't they stay with me?

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Speaking professionally. I think
you made the right decision.

Okay. here's the plan.

First. we're gonna call Santa.

I haven't really talked to him
since he forgot my pony last year...

...but this is no time to hold grudges.

Then we're gonna go shopping
at that big toy store on M Street.

- What do you say?
- Do we have to wear the rope?

Can't believe you broke the skateboard.
We bought it 20 minutes ago.

Well. you try it in high heels.

Surprise!

Oh. Eldin.

I've never seen a tree this beautiful before.

I figured I should get you
something for Christmas.

And it was either this or a Waterpik.

Oh. and by the way. while you
were out. somebody stopped by.

And he's in the kitchen right now
having milk and cookies.

Gee. I wonder who that could be.
I wasn't expecting anybody.

Hey there. kids.

Merry Christmas.

- Wow. Santa!
- Santa!

Murphy'S PONY-

I'd have done this thing right
and come through the chimney...

...but Santa has a bad back.

Did you ever try to lift
one of these things?

Santa. how do you get
to everybody's house in one night?

Oh. it's easier than it used to be.

I got me a really souped-up sleigh.

Brought in a couple of elves from Japan.
Took the thing right into the '80s.

But did you find our mommy yet?

Oh. well. I'm working on it there. son.

But don't you give up hope.

I know she'll turn up real soon.

Well...

I gotta be going now. Traffic's gonna
be murder over the Atlantic.

You all have a Merry Christmas now.

- Thanks. Phil. I owe you one.
- A hundred bucks and we'll call it even.

Okay. everybody. get on your PJs.
and then I'll tell you a bedtime story.

Can we hear the one about Haldeman
and Ehrlichman again?

If you're good.

I guess Santa must have
forgotten something.

Miss Brown?

I'm so sorry to barge in like this.

Mommy. Mommy!

Lily-

Miss Brown. this has been
the worst 24 hours of my life.

I'm so sorry to have put you through this.

- Actually. it wasn't that much-
- Thank you for being so nice.

- I'll take them and go now.
- Now?

You and Mr. Brown must wanna get on
with your holiday plans.

Well. we really didn't have any big plans.

Wait. How are you gonna
take care of them?

As long as we're together.
we'll find a way.

- I'd like to help you out.
- No. please.

- You've done too much already.
- No. look. really.

I do pretty well for myself.

I have an expense account.
I write a lot of things off.

I don't really take Walter Cronkite
to dinner every week.

I guess I'm telling you more
than you need to know.

Here.

- This should tide you over for a while.
- No. I can't take that.

Lady. take the check.

Believe me. she doesn't do this very often.

I wish there was something
I could do for you.

There is. Promise you'll call
whenever you need anything.

Okay. kids. let's go.

I'll send their new bedroom sets
and the VCRs and the ice rink.

Lily?

I know Santa brought the pony for me.
but I think we could share him.

- What do you say?
- Oh. boy.

Goodbye. Merry Christmas.

Well. so I guess my- My work here is done.

Yeah. I guess so.

It'll take me a few minutes
to get my things together.

I got a wrench set
that's all over this place.

Although. Eldin. you know.
I've been noticing that the walls...

- ...on my bedroom could use a little work.
- A little work?

Who sold you that wallpaper.
Robert Goulet?

Just tell me. how long is it gonna take?

Couple days. tops.

- I can live with that.
- Great. okay...

...|'|| move my scaffold back
into the bedroom. I got-

Wait a minute.

It's Christmas Eve.

All of a sudden. I'm in the mood
for a good party.

I know where I can find one.

You wanna go with me?

Yeah. okay.

But if I get lucky.
you're taking a bus home.

So. Corky...

...after all my hard work. I haven't heard
one compliment on the decorations.

Miles. has anybody ever told you
you're a real shlimazl?

- Hey. Murphy!
- Murphy!

Hey. I'd like you to meet my friend.
Eldin Bernecky.

Okay. everybody. Murphy showed up
and she brought a friend...

...so let's all think
before we take that extra meatball.

Let's liven this party up a little.
How about some real music?

Coming right up.

All right. it's about time!

- Okay. challenge dance.
- What's that?

All right.

Hey. Jim. come on!

Jim! Jim! Jim!