Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 18 - Funnies Girl - full transcript

You've predicting a continued decline
in the savings and loan industry?

Clearly. we're headed toward
consolidation ot a large portion ot it.

I believe. in the end.
the nation's financial system...

...will emerge stronger than ever betore.

Survival ot the tittest in an economic jungle.
Thank you. Dr. Keller.

We'll be back with a wrap-up alter this.

And we're clear.

Okay. everybody.
Remember the new closing.

- Jim will say:
- “This is another edition ot FYI.“

And while credits roll.
I want you to get up...

...act casual. start chatting
in a triendly manner.



Let's show the audience we are
more than colleagues. We're buddies.

- This idea stinks.
- Are we getting paid extra tor this?

- Are you through. Frank?
- I'm through.

All right. look alive. people. Here we go.

Coming back in five. tour. three. two:

Be with us next week when Murphy Brown
interviews New York Mayor Ed Koch...

...Frank Fontana investigates
traud in the FDA...

...and Corky Sherwood goes to dinner
with the Van Patten tamily.

Till then. this has been
another edition ot FYI. Good night.

All right. Now's where you go
into your happy talk.

So. Jim. how would you like
to join me alter the show?

We can get a bite to eat.
then beat up Miles in the parking lot.

Yes. that sounds excellent.
We can throw a blanket over him.

- He'll never know who it was.
- I really enjoyed your interview. Murphy.



I didn't think an economist
could be so tascinating.

Yeah. he's tascinating. all right.
We're talking major-league hunk.

It he's got the principal.
I've got the interest.

And we're out.

Nice show. people. Go spend a little
quality time with your loved ones.

So. Miles. was that triendly enough
tor you?

I can't believe what you did.
You had to tool around.

- You couldn't do it straight like I asked.
- What are you making such a big deal about?

You called Dr. Keller a hunk.
It went out live.

What? How can that be?
We took our mikes ott.

Corky. what's that?

Oh. no. Come on.
I never use the word "hunk."

It's not even part ot my vocabulary.

Nobody watches those end credits. They're
in the kitchen getting something to eat.

Come on. how many ot you
people watch those credits?

Oh. sure. You just wanna see
your names. that's why.

You never liked my idea. did you?

At the meeting. all week.
you had to fight me.

Well. now you're being punished.

Maybe you'll remember this the next time
you choose to scorn one ot my ideas...

...that I work late into the night to come up
with. often missing dinner. skipping meals...

...cance|ing a date with Vicki
"I'II-do-anything-tor-a-promotion" Anderson.

I hope you're happy.

Another day at the crazy lady's.

Good morning. handiwork.

Papa's home.

- Eldin. Eldin. let me in.
- Who is it?

Come on. Open the door. Eldin.
My feet are cold.

I'm gonna tell you something right now.
I've had it with old man Swensen.

He swiped my newspaper again.
You know. he thinks he can just-

Just a minute. here. I got your paper.

I guess I'll have to replace
his car antenna.

They were out of your
favorite Colombian blend...

...so I got your second favorite:
cinnamon mocha decaf.

Which brings me to a subject
I'd like to discuss with you.

Now. I know you've become very used
to this little morning ritual of ours.

But I think it's about time you invested some
of those big bucks you supposedly make...

...into a decent coffeemaker.

Styrofoam cups are not biodegradable.

I don't know how much longer
I can participate...

...in this careless disregard
for the environment.

Not to mention.
it spilled all over my truck.

Great. Nothing about last night.
Nothing at all.

- You didn't hear a word I said.
- Sorry. what?

Forget it. Here.

Let's sit back and celebrate
the moments of our lives.

The funnies. I love the funnies.

Especially Mary Worth. You know.
that old broad's full of good advice.

What?

This new cartoon. Bullseye.
cracks me up.

Today. there's this lady
in this tight cowgirl outfit.

She's chasing this guy with a lasso in
one hand and a microphone in the other.

She says. ''I got a hankering for a hunk."

- Eldin. may I see that. please?
- In due time. I'm not finished yet.

- But I really wanna see it.
- You've got a whole paper there.

Give me that.

Oh. no.

"The Adventures of Mauthy Brawn"?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The hair.

The mouth.

That real big head.

That could be you.

It is you.

I can't believe this.
It doesn't even look like me.

What kind of hair is that?
And nobody's mouth is that wide.

This O'Shea guy can't even draw.

Oh. I can see why you're mad.
He drew everything big but your chest.

Well. this is an interesting challenge.
I have two choices:

I can let it bother me
or I can be flattered.

I'm flattered.

You don't see him lampooning
Lesley Stahl.

I'm more well-known.

When you get to be in my position...

...you have to develop a sense of humor
about these things.

Well. I guess I better get ready for work.

Good morning. Murphy.
Did you happen to see today's paper?

Yes. I did. Jim. And. as I've already
explained to Craig. the parking attendant...

...Ernie. the janitor. and Murray
at the newsstand. I'm okay with it.

- In fact. I thought it was funny.
- Oh. good for you.

I have to admit. I thought it was funny.

You. a floozy in hot pants.
chasing some Adonis with your lariat.

Darn. it just tickled me.

And your lips. like some giant plunger.

Well. Murphy. I edited "hunk"
from the West Coast edition.

- None of the critics picked up on it.
- I guess you don't read the funnies.

- What's with him?
- You didn't see it?

- See what?
- No big deal.

Pat O'Shea. that cartoonist at The Past...

...is getting some mileage
out of last night's show.

This is terrible.

- " The Adventures of Mauthy Brawn."
- It's okay. Miles. You can laugh. I did.

Murphy. you must be furious.

I was just downstairs in the coffee shop
reading the newspaper. and there it was.

Your face. like some giant blowfish
in every paper in this country.

Look at the size of that mouth.

It's okay. Corky. I can dish it out.
I can take it.

If you expect to be in this business a while.
you better be able to laugh at yourself.

Now. if you'll excuse me.
I've got a lot of research to do.

Hi. Corky. Hi. Miles.

Hi. Mouthy.

Gee. I kind of hoped to see you
in your cowgirl outfit today.

I guess you'd need
a 20-gallon hat for that head.

Can I have everyone's attention. please?

For the last time.
I am not bothered by this.

If you wanna know the truth.
I'm honored.

It's not every day you get
to hang out with Dick Tracy.

In fact. if I were home.
this would go on my refrigerator.

Now...

...if you'll excuse me...

...Mouthy Brown has work to do.

Ms. Brown. I'm Jerry Barden.
I'm the new secretary you asked for.

- Hi. Jerry. Nice to meet you.
- Thanks.

I read that cartoon about you in the paper.
I didn't know you had that reputation.

|don't.

It's a joke. Teasing.

Right.

So. Jerry. come on. Busy day.

Now that I've got you here.
let's start with some dictation in my office.

Murphy. you missed a good night
last night.

Brinkley and I met Roger Mudd
at the Press Club.

We must've laughed all night.

- Roger Mudd laughed?
- You would've loved it.

The way he was describing
those cartoons of you.

Brinkley was laughing so hard.
beer came out of his nose.

- Gee. Jim. I'm sorry I missed it.
- What was it David said?

Oh. yes. "How many Murphy Browns
does it take to ensnare the 6th Fleet?"

Jim. I'm kind of busy.

You know. Murphy. there was a time
when you wouldn't have taken this so well.

You certainly are setting a standard of
behavior for the young people around here.

I'm awfully proud of you.

Two. One to man the life raft
and the other to set the ships on fire.

Jerry. I'm behind on my profile
of Larry McMurtry.

- We've gotta stay late tonight.
- Oh. boy.

Ms. Brown. I think we have
to have a talk.

- Why? What's the problem?
- I've noticed the way you look at me.

Like yesterday. When you asked me
to get the file on the shuttle program.

The file in the bottom drawer.
so I'd have to bend over to get it.

- Jerry.
- Look. Ms. Brown...

...I know you're a big star. and I know
you're used to getting what you want...

...but when I finally give myself
to a woman...

...it's going to be for love.

But I do love you. Jerry.

And I'm not wearing any underwear.

Hold the elevator!

- Hi. Murph.
- Hi. Frank.

I wanna show you something.

Look.

I was lucky. It was the last one.

I thought you'd wanna have it
as a souvenir.

- Frank. could you close the door?
- Sure.

I can't stand it!
I make one slip on TV...

...one slip in 10 years. and suddenly
I'm the laughingstock of broadcasting.

What's wrong with people?
I got awards. Frank. Citations.

Now all they wanna do is look at this stupid
cartoon! What's the matter with them?!

- Is this a bad time?
- I've had criticism and bad press...

...but this O'Shea guy takes the cake.
If I wanted this kind of ridicule and abuse...

...I could've run for vice president.

Hey. Frank. Murphy.
I thought you'd appreciate this.

This is too great. I just got a call
from the affiliate in Miami.

He wants to know if Murphy would
be a judge for the Mr. Swimsuit contest.

What's so funny. Miles?
I don't think that's funny.

The only thing I think is funny
is the image of you eating a T-shirt...

- ...42 long. all cotton. That's funny!
- Is it the 18th already?

I've had it with these moronic cartoons.

I thought I could be a good sport.
but I've learned something.

Beat it!

I'm not a good sport. I am a bad sport.

I am a very. very. very bad sport.

The only thing left for me to do is to...

...call up this O'Shea character
and meet him.

Now. wait a minute.
If you go in there with your guns blazing...

...you'|| give this guy more ammunition
to use against you.

Will you give me a little credit?
I want him to meet me. get to know me.

He'll see there's a real person here.
Not just some bigger-than-life personality.

It's hard to take shots
at someone you like.

You're forgetting something.
What you described...

...requires a certain amount
of self-control on your part.

I have self-control.

ldo.

Good morning. Pat O'Shea. please.

Hi. Phil.

That crazy Beetle Bailey.

It's okay. Phil.
Enjoy it while you can.

I'm about to meet the man
who created Mouthy Brown.

Gee. Murphy.
it's the height of lunch hour.

If a fight breaks out that's anything like
the one you had with Fawn Hall...

...I could lose my license.

Come on. Phil. Haven't you noticed
how I've changed in the past year?

- No.
- I have too.

Murphy Brown.

I'm Pat O'Shea.

Hello there. Pat. At last we meet.

- Why don't we go sit down.
- Okay.

You know. I wasn't so sure
that this was such a good idea.

I've never come face to face with somebody
I've lampooned in my strip.

Well. I was looking forward to meeting you
and I thought today would be a good time.

Then you aren't upset
about the comic?

Upset? Me? No.

- Look who's here.
- Hey. slugger.

Guys. what a surprise.

There's somebody I want you meet.
Frank Fontana. Jim Dial. Pat O'Shea.

- Pat O'Shea. the cartoonist.
- That's right.

You know. Murphy and I
have been friends for along time.

I'd hate to think
somebody was making fun of her.

- Frank.
- You know...

...I'm a real big fan of yours.

- ReaHy?
- Yeah.

The piece you did on organized crime
when you infiltrated the ranks.

- Dangerous stuff.
- Well...

...I guess it comes with the territory.

Somebody has to get
those people off the street.

So you're Pat O'Shea. huh?

- I love your work.
- Thanks.

And you're Jim Dial.

This is a thrill to meet you.
I've been watching you for years.

When I was a teen. I worked as a copy boy
in the office with the editorial cartoonist.

What a colorful man.

First day. he ordered me into his office and
told me to get ink dryers before deadline.

I spent the entire day racing from one office
to another looking for those darn things.

Well. there are no such things
as ink dryers.

Just a gag he liked to pull
on the new copy boy.

Naive boys. Hard-working boys.

Boys for whom this
new job meant everything.

That mean. vindictive. dirty little man.

Not that all cartoonists are like that.

Guys. we were having a little talk here.

- A pleasure meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.

So. Pat. I'd be fascinated to hear
how you got started as a cartoonist.

We||...

- Hey. Murphy.
- Hello. Miles.

And this must be Pat O'Shea.

I'm Miles Silverberg.
executive producer of FYI.

Here to grab some lunch. I eat
here almost every day at this time.

So I thought I'd come by for lunch.
like I do almost every day.

Then you know all about
the fire ordinance.

You're blocking the aisle.

Murphy's got a great sense of humor.
And she can laugh at herself.

It's the really secure ones
who can do that.

Well. I don't wanna interrupt two people
who are getting to know each other.

You know. Pat. we're a lot alike.

We both take big people
and cut them down to size.

But it's real important
to know when enough's enough.

Sure. sometimes I've gone too far.

But if you're not careful. people are
going to stop thinking you're clever...

...and just start thinking you're mean.

You know. I never looked at it that way.

I just never worried about
hurting a person's feelings.

Especially someone like you.

- I didn't think it was possible.
- Neither did I.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate
you taking time to meet me.

I mean. somebody of your stature
with a guy just starting out.

Thanks for the advice.

And thanks for Mouthy.

May she rest in peace.

Thanks.

Oh. boy. Oh. boy.

Miles. have you seen
this morning's paper?

- No. not yet.
- Well. take a good look.

Our friend the cartoonist
has found a new target.

I open up the darn thing and there I am.

Drawn like some doddering has-been.

Hunched over the news desk
in an ill-fitting cardigan.

- The old gasbag of broadcasting.
- Come on. now. Jim. calm down.

Have a sense of humor about it.
It's only a cartoon.

Only a cartoon?

Look closer. Miles. Anything familiar
about that little dog in Murphy's lap?

The one in the glasses
and the little blue blazer?

- What's your point. Jim?
- That's you.

That's not me. How can that be me?
It doesn't look like me.

Come on. Miles.
Wake up and smell the Alpo.

Have you guys seen this?

I'd like to know why I'm in every newspaper
from Ft. Lauderdale to Vancouver...

...dressed like some Robin Hood.
in a tricornered hat...

...a feather boa and that striped leotard
number. What's that supposed to mean?

And what is he getting at when I say.
"| prance for justice"?

- It's not as bad as mine. Frank.
- At least that dog looks like you.

- What? I don't have ears like that!
- But the eyes are good.

Well. It looks like Mr. O'Shea
has finally shown his true colors.

Unbelievable.

I'm gonna be real popular
with the guys at the gym.

- We gotta get this guy.
- You better believe it.

I thought we were supposed to have a
sense of humor and keep some self-control.

I want him dead.

Well. I guess you've all seen it.

Yes. we've seen it.
Everyone's seen it.

Murphy. I have worked long and hard...

...to gain the kind of acceptance
you enjoy in this business.

When I saw myself dressed up
like a pom-pom girl...

...in a nationally syndicated strip. I said:

"Corky Sherwood.
you have finally made it."

I tell you. I got gooseflesh.

I could've cried. And I would have
if it wasn't for Frank's picture.

Nice tights. Frank.

Corky. I know I told you
we should be flattered...

...but this isn't flattering. It's a putdown.

But the pom-poms.

The megaphone?

The Miss America sash?

This is all your fault. Fido!

What are we doing?
O'Shea's the one we're mad at.

Guys. guys.
I'm gonna be the voice of reason here.

I understand exactly how you're feeling.

But it's important to remember that O'Shea
is slime and we have to rise above him.

Besides. there's nothing we can do
to this guy that won't make us look small.

- I don't mind.
- It's only once.

Sma||'s okay.

I'll give it some thought.

Knock. knock.

- What brings you here?
- A visit.

That's nice. But if you don't mind.
I've got a deadline.

I just figured out what FYI means:

Four Yakking lmbeciles.

I'm drawing them
on the Yellow Brick Road.

And I have to finish the monkey
swooping down to get Miles.

Gee. it almost seems as though
we never had our little chat yesterday.

Okay. so I lied to you.

But if you think I'm gonna stop now.
you're nuts.

You are the best thing to ever happen
to my career.

Now. I may be new in town. but I've
been around long enough to know...

...that you are a big star
with a public image to protect.

- You can't do anything to me.
- You are new in town.

You're doing me a real favor here.

I was afraid I was gonna run out
of material.

But. boy.
you are a veritable fountain of it.

I'm just sorry that I wasn't around
before you checked into Betty Ford.

You know something?
You're just mean.

Yeah. and I'm real good at it.

I can put people anywhere.
have them say anything.

The ultimate power.
You wanna know the best part about it?

I'm gonna get rich doing it.

You know something?
I came over here to let you have it.

Do you know what this is?
A balloon filled with motor oil.

Forty-weight. Here. catch.

And here's one I really am fond of.
Guess what's in this box.

Big bees.

Bad bees.

Problem bees.

And here's my personal favorite.

Recognize this?

I was going to bronze it
and add it to my collection...

...next to Spiro Agnew's
and Anita Bryant's.

But. you know.
listening to you changed my mind.

Your sentence is having
to live with yourself.

So go do what you want.
I feel sorry for you.

You're pathetic.
and what you do is pathetic.

My satisfaction is in knowing
I'm the kind of person...

...who doesn't need to crawl
in the gutter with you.

What the hell.