Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 17 - My Dinner with Einstein - full transcript

Come on. Dave. you can't drop out now.

We're not gonna have enough guys
10! a game.

Well. how far apart are the contractions?

I think she's just tat. Dave.

And looking to! attention. Dave?

Morning. Flank.

Jim. my man.
I guess with Doris in L.A...

...it must be kind ot lonesome rattling
around that big house all by yourselt.

Actually. I'm enjoying my time alone.

It‘s been along time since I was a bachelor.
and I intend to take advantage ol it.

- Last night. I ate a sandwich in bed.
- You wild man.



Tonight. I'm making sloppy joes.

Then I‘m going to pour myselt a brandy.
sit by the tire and read Mickey Spillane.

You're a newsman with a wile out ol town.
A newsman doesn‘t sit home alone and read.

A newsman comes to my place
tor a poker game.

I told you. I‘m not going back to your house
until you get a door tor your bathroom.

Besides. I've been waiting along time
to read this book.

Please? How often do I ask you tor a favor?
Come on. it'd mean a lot to me.

Well. I suppose I could read the book
tomorrow night.

Great. Great. Thanks a lot. Jim.
Oh. one more thing.

Could you bring cash this time?
The guys hate checks.

Okay. which one ol you clowns
had his hand on my butt?

Come on. You think you're such hot stult?
Why don't you come out here and try it.

Somebody saw him do it. Point him out.

Right. Stick together.
you gutless jellytish.



Oh. no.

Forget it. I'm sorry.
I told personnel. "No smokers."

I know. I know. But I'm quitting. I promise.
This is my last one. See?

This desk smells like the back seat
ol an old cab. It's disgusting.

I know. I know. But this is it. No more.

Come on. give me a break.
No one else in the building wants me.

But you were a smoker.
I figured you'd give me a chance.

Well. okay. But it I see you light up.
you're out ol here.

Absolutely. No problem. Fair enough.
Look. I really appreciate this.

I'm putting this one out. see?

This is my last cigarette. ever.

Somebody in personnel hates me.

- Morning. Frank.
- Hey. Murph.

Serious perlume.

What's the occasion? Heavy lunch date?
A little alternoon rendezvous?

It's just pertume. Frank. OH ol one ol those
sample cards trom a magazine.

Someone's wearing
Rive Gauche perlume...

...and went a little overboard
with the mousse this morning.

Who is he. Murphy? Tell me everything.

I don't have time tor this. I'm expecting
my guest tor next week's show.

- So it you'll both excuse me...
- Guest tor next week's show. huh?

- Who is he?
- Dr. Victor Rudman.

One ol the most brilliant minds
in the world today.

He's probably going to win
the Nobel Prize in physics.

And I'll bet he's really. really cute too.
Isn't he. Murphy?

I have no idea.
We've only talked on the phone.

- You put on pertume tor a physicist?
- What's your point. Frank?

Oh. nothing. It's just I guess
I have a hard time seeing you...

...with a guy who has a clip-on bow tie...

- ...and a thousand pens in his shirt pocket.
- It's true. Murphy.

Just because you've entered that category
known as "mature woman"...

...doesn't mean you have to throw
yoursell at a dork.

Look. Victor Rudman may be a genius...

...but there's no reason
why he has to be a dork.

Murphy. I'm a little worried
about this dork interview.

- I don't believe this.
- I'm having a hard time picturing it. Murphy.

A guy who probably wears his pants
up under his armpits...

...spends 20 minutes ol my airtime
lecturing about stutl we don't care about.

And the rest ol the time
he's got his linger up his nose.

What is it with you guys?

We're talking about a man
who's going to win the Nobel Prize.

- For what?
- Fractals.

Sell-similar. non-Euclidean
geometrical objects which occur in nature.

Oh. boy. this one's a nose-picker tor sure.

Victor Rudman is a modern-day Einstein.
We have to have him on the show.

I want to explore the mind ol a genius.

I wanna know what makes him
diflerent trom you and me.

- He doesn't use Kleenex.
- Will you get oil it?

I'm telling you. I spent time
with him on the phone.

He's brilliant. eloquent and
passionate about his work.

I'm really looking forward
to meeting this guy.

Start picking out that china pattern.

- Excuse me.
- Hello. I'm Murphy Brown.

- What a thrill it is to meet you.
- Well. gee. it's nice meeting you too.

I'm looking for the graphics department.
Do you know where that is?

Yes. Yes. I do. It's one floor up.
Have a pleasant day.

You too.

What do I look like.
an information booth?

What's the matter? A little disappointed?

Knock it off. Frank.
I'm just trying to do my job.

- Ms. Brown?
- Yes?

I'm Victor Rudman.

Yes. You are indeed.

And I'm Murphy Brown.
but you probably knew that.

Dr. Rudman. I can't tell you what
a pleasure it is to finally meet you.

Well. after all our phone conversations.
I feel like I already know you.

Although. there's no substitute
for meeting someone face to face.

No. No. there isn't.
Let me introduce you to everybody.

This is. Miles Silverberg.
Corky Sherwood. Frank Fontana.

Victor Dorkman. Dorfman. Rudman!

There's my office. Let's go into it.

- Ready when you are.
- Right this way.

Come on. Jim. I can read it all over you.

The wife's out of town.
and you're lonely.

Look. it took some doing.
but I managed to change my schedule.

I'm taking you out tomorrow night.
The two caballeros.

Miles...

...I appreciate the invitation.
but I already have plans.

I'm going to make a fire. pour myself
a little brandy and read Mickey Spillane.

I wanna do this. Jim.
Because I care about you.

Not just as a producer. but as a friend.

You know. most people around here have
a hard time thinking of me as their friend.

They don't realize how difficult
being the boss can be.

People treat me differently.
They don't include me.

Sometimes I feel very alienated.

Well. since you've gone
to all this trouble...

- ...I guess could go out with you tomorrow.
- All right.

I got Laugh Factory tickets.
My favorite comedian will be there.

The one who smashes watermelons
with a sledgehammer?

Bring a raincoat.

So there we were.
Carl Sagan and I. sitting at a table...

...arguing about whether or not
the universe is expanding.

And the check comes.
and we can't figure 15 percent of $38.26.

All I can say is. Victor. I wish I'd had
a physics professor like you in college.

It's so useful for a person like me...

...to know how to make stink bombs
out of everyday items.

I toss them in the dean's office
whenever I want more lab space.

I guess I better get to my conference.

If you have more questions.
we can get together this evening.

Oh. I'm sure I have enough information
for the interview.

Well. maybe we could
just have dinner then.

- You mean a date?
- Yes. a date.

I'm sorry. but I have a policy of not
dating people I'm about to interview.

Of course.
You have to maintain your objectivity.

As a scientist. I can understand that.

- Well. I'll see you Wednesday. on the air.
- Looking forward to it.

- Wow. that was close.
- Ouick thinking. Murph.

- What are you talking about?
- The dating policy bit. Perfect excuse.

It isn't an excuse. It is my policy.

So he's no Mel Gibson.
But he's funny and interesting...

...and has an incredible intellect.
A lot of women find that very attractive.

You know. the brain is a sexual organ.

Yeah. I always look forward to the
swimsuit edition of Scientific American.

That's exactly what I'd expect of you.

You know. I'd like to think that women
are capable of looking a little deeper.

She's absolutely right.

But in all good conscience. Murphy.
I can't encourage you to do this.

I'd like to think the children would get
your looks and his brains.

But what if you wind up with short-tempered
kids who run like Jerry Lewis?

I'm busy.

Hi. I want you to place
an overseas call to Stockholm...

...and tell them I'd like some file footage
of past Nobel Prize ceremonies.

Then I'd like you to arrange for the footage
to be shipped to our editor.

Call Jerry and tell him to be on the
lookout for it. Then later this afternoon...

...make a trip to the library and pull
everything you can on fractals.

Then take that to my copywriter.

Tell her I wanna meet with her
before the end of the day.

Got that?

Oh. and one other thing: You're fired.

The important thing is to keep yourself open
to everything. without judging or censoring.

You never know where inspiration
will come from.

- Could you give me an example. Dr. Rudman?
- Sure. A crap table in Atlantic City.

- You were inspired by a crap table?
- Yes. And the fact that I just lost $200.

Then I remembered a quote of Einstein's.
He said:

''I don't believe that God
plays dice with the universe."

I decided to see if he was right.
I went to the lab...

...and designed a graph to chart out
random throws of dice.

What I found wasn't random at all.
but a pattern.

Why not go back to Atlantic City
and become a millionaire?

Unfortunately. the pattern works
for millions of throws. not for five or 10.

The point is. if you can find a pattern
in the toss of dice...

...you can find a pattern in other events
that we think are random.

In the future. we will be able to predict
hurricanes. tornadoes. traffic jams.

In the right combination.
fractal equations can be a key...

...to unlocking incredible mysteries.

The ability to find harmony and order
in a chaotic world.

A definition of fractals.
perhaps a definition of genius.

- Jim.
- Thank you. Murphy.

And thank you. Dr. Rudman.
for a fascinating visit.

This has been another edition of FYI.
Good night.

And we're clear.

- Victor. that was terrific.
- You made it incredibly easy.

Doc. I've gotta admit I was a little worried
about this interview. but I enjoyed it.

- When you win the Nobel Prize. come back.
- If you do. ask for a limo.

I'd prefer to negotiate a date with you.

I thought now that the interview
was over. I would try again.

Well.

- I'd love to go out with you. Victor.
- Great. What about Saturday night?

Gee. Saturday. That's the American
Film Museum's annual benefit dinner.

But as it turns out. I don't have a date yet.
Would you like to go with me?

- Oh. well-
- Although. I understand if you don't want to.

It's one of those glitzy show business
evenings. They can get pretty silly.

Actually. this isn't a good idea.
Maybe we can plan something else.

Don't worry about me. It sounds like fun.

- You're sure?
- Absolutely. I'll call you tomorrow...

...you can tell me what time
to pick you up.

Goodbye. everyone.

Well. there was this book
I was planning to read...

Sure. I understand.

See. I told you. He's a big star.
Why would he wanna go bowling with us?

But the more I think about it.
the more bowling sounds like a great idea.

Eldin. I need you!

You know. that voice of yours
cuts through this house like a buzz saw.

What if I had been up on a ladder?
I could've been killed.

Would you just please help me on
with this bracelet?

I see we've brought out
the heavy artillery.

You hoping to get lucky tonight?

It's not that kind of a date. Eldin.

And. actually. that's something
I wanted to talk to you about.

The man I'm going out with tonight
is a little...

...different from the other men
I usually go out with.

So when he gets here. don't feel
the need to make any comment. okay?

Why. is he missing something?

He's a very smart man.
Brilliant. A scientist.

He doesn't have time
to worry about appearances.

- You're going out with a dork.
- He's not a dork.

He's a dork. I don't get it.
I mean. you may not be my type...

...but you should be able to do all right
for yourself. Some guys like bony.

I'm going out with him
because I want to. Eldin.

He may. in fact.
be the world's smartest man.

And frankly. a few hours of fun
at a fancy party with me...

...may give him something to remember
when he's at his computer...

...working to better the quality
of human life. It's the least I can do.

I can't wait to see this guy.

I'm warning you. Eldin.
Don't say anything.

Victor. You look wonderful.

I'm sorry about the tux.

I tried to get it in a red brocade.
but they didn't have my size.

- Don't worry. This is fine.
- Hello there. Victor.

I'm Eldin. I understand you got a brain
they're gonna pickle after you're dead.

- Eldin.
- What? I'm just... I'm making conversation.

- So. what do you do?
- I'm a physicist.

Oh. really? What kind of physics
do you do?

- It's very complicated. Eldin.
- I study fractals.

Oh. right. Self-similar. non-Euclidean
geometrical objects which occur in nature.

- How did you know that. Eldin? How?
- I studied fractal art.

You take a bunch of random numbers
and assign a fractal equation to each one.

Then assign a color to each fractal based
on how far and how fast they move away...

- ...from a central point on the grid.
- It's kind of complicated. Murphy.

- We have to go. Victor.
- Right.

Well. it's been a pleasure meeting you.

Perhaps next time we can run
some programs through my computer.

Color me there.

- Good night. Eldin.
- Oh. just a second.

Excuse me. She'll be with you
in a nanosecond.

I'll be gone before you get back.
I know you'll want your privacy.

This guy looks like a howler.

- Hey. it's Murphy Brown.
- Right this way.

- Right here. please.
- Smile. please.

Sorry about this. I know it's awkward.
but it'll be over in a moment.

Don't worry about me.

Could we get one more shot
of you and your date?

- Do you mind. Victor?
- No problem.

- Who is your date?
- Dr. Victor Rudman.

R- U-D-M-A-N. Victor.

- Okay. you've got enough now. Thank you.
- We have time for just one more. don't we?

- Thanks. Ms. Brown. Doc.
- Any time.

- Gee. Victor. you handled that like a pro.
- Go with the flow. I always say.

Can't let things get to you
when you're out to have a good time.

Gosh. look at this.

I know it's not the faculty club. so if you're
uncomfortable. we don't have to stay.

What do you wanna do first? Work
the room a little? Find out who's here?

Somebody said Cher was going to show.
I love her.

Maybe we should grab a table first.
I see one. Come on.

Wait a minute.
The libations have arrived.

I'll just take one of these.
and one for the lady.

No. thanks. But I'll have
a club soda when you get the chance.

I guess it's up to me.

And here's a little something
for your college fund.

Here's looking at you. kid.

Yes!

Oh. look. they're serving.
I'm starving. Let's sit.

Music. Come on. let's take
a little spin around the dance floor.

Work up an appetite.

Victor. because I like and respect you.
I'm going to be honest with you.

Just because you're out with a celebrity.
doesn't mean you have to act differently.

- I'm not.
- I guess what I mean is...

...I understand you don't
get out of the lab very often.

And you probably haven't just let go
in a really long time.

- But you have to pace yourself.
- Are you kidding?

I get out every weekend.
Clubs. discos. you name it.

Hey. we could all be dead tomorrow.
Like I said in the interview...

...you've gotta live in the moment.
Let the universe touch you...

...and you've got to touch the universe.

Victor. that's not the universe
you're touching.

Come on. you know you wanna dance.
Let's shake that booty.

So. Victor. did I tell you about
that book I read last week...

...The Beauty of Fractals
by Heinz-Otto Peitgen.

- Why don't you sit here and explain it to me.
- Give me a break. Murphy.

I talk about that stuff all week.

Victor. you know what I was really
looking forward to?

An evening of great conversation
about ideas and concepts...

...with a man I respect and admire.

Murphy. just because I'm a genius
doesn't mean I'm not allowed to get down.

- Come on. let's do it.
- Victor. I don't want to.

Hi. Murph. Dr. Rudman.
You two having a good time?

Well. I'm trying to.
but I'm not getting much help.

What about you. slim? Wanna dance?

I'm not allowed to. I'm Amish.

Amish. That's great. I love it.

- Shut up. Frank.
- I am not even gonna rib you about this one.

It's worse than I thought.
Everybody's talking about me. aren't they?

I can't control him. I thought about
bringing him down with a tranquilizer dart...

...but there's too many photographers.

Boogie on down. sweet thing!

Oh. God. he's trying to lift her
over his head.

What are those. Donald Duck panties?

You better cut in. Frank.

- Hi. Murphy. Having a good time?
- Miles. it's an evening I'll never forget.

What a workout.

And who might this be?

- Dr. Victor Rudman. this is Mimi Edelson.
- Mimi.

Dr. Rudman may win the Nobel Prize.

Great outfit. Have you ever
thought of a career as a model?

- I'm a lawyer with the ACLU.
- Wanna see my briefs?

I guess we'll see you later.

Remember. Miles. If you're going to love.
wear the glove.

What about it. babe? You wanna party?

No. Victor. I don't wanna party.
Not now. not ever.

You know. I gotta tell you something.
You're not at all what I expected.

For a big network star. you're no ride on
the Ferris wheel. if you know what I mean.

Okay. that's it. I've had it with you. Victor.
This has been the worst evening of my life.

And that includes
the Bulgarian soccer team incident.

You have embarrassed me and my friends.

You have proven
in the most painful of all ways...

...that you can't judge a book
by its cover.

But you can judge it
by its ugly plaid jacket!

You know what you need?
A sponge bath!

You dork!

Thought you might need
some company. slugger.

- Where's the genius?
- Over there.

Dirty Dancing with Marilyn Ouayle.

You know. I could've
taken him out to coffee...

...or to Phil's for a burger.
But oh. no. I had to prove a point...

...in a big public place
with everyone I know watching.

- Did I tell you my Ernest Hemingway story?
- No.

Ernest Hemingway was my idol.

For years I dreamt of meeting him.
Finally I did.

I was in Spain. doing a story on Franco.

I was sitting in a bar in Pamplona
when suddenly...

...a wine bottle whistled by my head.
It was Hemingway.

He had mistaken me
for a slow-witted waiter.

We had a few drinks. I had two.

He had 10. Then he tried
to talk me into running the bulls.

I had a slight hamstring pull.
so I begged off.

- He called me a pansy.
- Gee. Jim. I'm sorry.

I still love his writing. even though
I can't say much for the man.

I suppose you're right.
I have such respect for Victor's work.

I really put him on a pedestal. It was unfair
of me to want him to be a saint.

I mean. he has the same right to be a jerk
just like anybody else.

There you go.

Jim. what happened after
Hemingway called you a pansy?

- I busted him in the snout.
- ReaHy?

Would you excuse me a minute.

Oh. Victor.