Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 14 - It's How You Play the Game - full transcript
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪ I can really move ♪
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪ I'm in the groove ♪
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪ Do you love me ♪
♪ Now that I can dance? ♪
♪ Watch me now ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Oh, work it out, baby ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Well, you're
driving me crazy ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Just a little
bit of soul now ♪
♪ Work! ♪
♪ I can mash potato ♪
♪ I can mash potato... ♪
( sneezing)
Hello. I'm Murphy Brown.
Stanley Himmelfarb.
I'm your new secretary.
Oh, God, I'm dying!
There's a message
for you from...
from... from Walter Cronkite.
Really?
He said he saw my segment
on the greenhouse
effect last night.
"A wonderful expose
"of corporate irresponsibility
"and government
shortsightedness.
Enjoyed it immensely."
( snorting)
Frank, did you hear this?
Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw my
segment last night
and he enjoyed it immensely!
How about that, huh?
That's real nice.
But let's get serious.
Does Walt have a Nielsen box?
What is it lately?
Everybody's so
ratings conscious.
It's making me crazy.
Are you a success if 40
million people watch the show
and a failure if only 18
million people watch it?
Good morning, everybody.
Has Miles come down
with the ratings yet?
No. He's seven minutes late.
Oh, I wish he'd hurry
up, that little turtle.
Do you think they'll
be any better?
I hate coming in second.
Let me tell you
something, Corky.
After 16 years in this business,
I've learned that
ratings are baloney.
It's the quality of the work
that counts, and that's all.
I really admire you, Murphy.
You're such a professional.
Now, if I could only get
you to vary your hairstyle.
Morning, troops.
Hi there, Jim. Hello, slugger.
Want to hear
something great, Jim?
Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw
my story last night,
and he enjoyed it immensely.
Wonderful. I hope
the ratings are up.
Jim, you, too?
They're just a meaningless
bunch of numbers.
Yes, you're right.
But why don't they like us
in Denver?
MURPHY: Hiya, Miles.
Let's get started
with our little meeting,
so we can get back
to writing stories
that journalistic giants
like Walter Cronkite
can enjoy immensely.
What's wrong with you?
We took it in the shorts.
If ratings get any lower,
I'll be hosing down the
produce at Food World.
Who got the audience?
As if I didn't know.
Jerry Gold and his
Headline News show.
News? The man spent an
hour exploring the tragic plight
of sex-crazed registered nurses.
Well, it may not
be our idea of news,
but it sure has the
public's attention.
We got a 13 share.
Gold pulled a 42.
He's stomping us in the cities.
That's the third time in three
weeks we've slipped in Denver.
And our 18 to 49 demographics
have dropped right off the page.
What's the matter
with these people?
Murphy, I thought you said
it was the quality of
the work that counts.
Didn't you hear him, Corky?
We're losing!
At least we beat Mr. Belvedere.
I hate this. We work
hard on our shows.
We go to the wall to stay
accurate and intelligent,
only to be blown
out of the water
by Nurse Judy and
her tongue depressor.
Boy, this burns me up.
I'd like to go door to
door across this country
and say, "America,
I'm mad at you."
Well, there was a
suggestion from a network VP.
Oh, great.
It was only a suggestion.
And keep in mind that
I'm only conveying it.
The network feels that maybe
we could make some
of our stories more...
"intellectually accessible
to a broader
spectrum of viewers."
Give them some
T & A? Is that it?
Fine. Why don't I
anchor the show
in a tank top and bicycle pants?
Miles, I've been working
for the past two weeks
on a story about the homeless.
What do they want me
to do: find the lighter side?
Yeah.
You can tell the network
we're not a bunch of
journalistic prostitutes.
They can take their story
and stick it in the
file with Hello, Larry
and Pam Ewing's dream.
That's right.
Yeah.
I am so proud of you people.
Let's get busy.
We got a show to put on.
But maybe, next week, you
two could talk to wardrobe
about some off-the-shoulder
peasant blouses.
Just kidding.
Hi, Phil.
Hiya, kid.
How ya doing?
Well, if this were the old days,
I'd order a double scotch rocks,
but it's a kinder,
gentler America,
so I'll just have a club soda
and sulk for a while.
Yeah, I heard you guys
got slaughtered last night.
Something's really wrong, Phil.
We did a great show, but
America decided to watch Jerry Gold
make a mockery of
the nursing profession.
Yeah, and I gotta tell you,
I found it insulting
to my intelligence.
Phil, you watched it?
I had to, kid.
The customers took
control of the TV.
Aw, Phil.
Personally, I found the
whole thing revolting.
Hell, that one nurse looked like
she has to have her
uniforms specially made.
And, frankly, I don't understand
how a woman like that
can ever get an
accurate heart rate.
Hi, Jim.
Are you feeling
as beat up as I am?
I feel like road kill.
Hi, Murph.
Sorry I'm late, Jim.
I got tied up on this
story I'm working on.
So, hey, guys, what's new?
Frank, we got
murdered in the ratings,
and you're working on a
story about the homeless.
Cheer down, huh?
Hey, listen, Murphy.
Sometimes you just got to laugh
because things are funny.
Like today.
Today was funny. Want
to know what happened?
I could use a good laugh.
Okay, who is the
toughest person you know?
Name the one person
capable of enduring
more pain than anyone.
Marilyn Quayle?
Right here. Come on.
I jump out of planes.
I... I ride with Greenpeace.
I've covered Belfast,
Beirut, Nicaragua.
Face it. I make Ollie
North look like a florist.
Get on with it, Frank.
You smell like fish.
Okay, okay. I'm
working on this story
about the homeless, right?
And I am... I'm just tired
of dealing with
government statisticians,
the economic theorists,
the bureaucrats,
so I took it to the street.
Went down along
the northwest quadrant
over near the State Department.
Sat around with
a few of the guys.
I met this character...
Uh, General Custer.
He plays checkers
on an imaginary board.
He said he beat me
three games. ( chuckles)
Then... then I met
this guy named Ed.
He's about my age.
He's got a daughter...
Six or seven...
Maureen.
"Mo."
Big, brown eyes.
Oh, about this tall.
They've got nothing.
Ed, he lost his wife.
He lost his job.
So they're living in an
abandoned car... an old Ford.
He... he said to me, if I ever
needed a place to stay warm,
I could use their trunk.
I said, "No, thanks."
So I'm walking away
and, all of a sudden,
I hear this little
voice yell my name.
It's Mo.
She comes running after me,
and she says...
"Mister, I've been saving
this, but you can have it.
My dad says it's okay."
And she hands me 37 cents.
Cash.
So you know how...
you're a journalist,
right, or a reporter,
you get this kind of a shell...
Things don't get to you.
Well... I walked all
the way back here,
and all I could think about
was how I have the power
to show this to people.
And maybe, if they know,
they'll do something about it.
But here's the funny part.
Nobody is going
to see this story.
They're going to be
watching Jerry Gold.
Is that a killer or what?
Well...
look, uh...
You know, I'm sorry
about lunch, Jim.
I'm... I'm due in editing.
We've got to do something, Jim.
We just can't let Jerry Gold
roll over us again next week.
I agree.
Maybe we should
meet with the network,
ask for more promotion.
Take some bigger newspaper ads.
Perhaps get out among
the viewers more?
Who are we kidding?
We're gonna get creamed.
I hate this.
It really makes you
want to fight fire with fire.
Doesn't it?
Yes.
But we have to
resist that feeling.
I know.
Although...
we wouldn't really have to
compromise our standards
if we... if it was just
the one segment
leading into Frank's.
Right. Just one.
Something that would
really get people to watch.
And we would never do it again.
No. Never again.
Just the one time.
The one time.
What do you think?
I think it might be all right.
If we only do it once.
Yes, once. Just once.
That's all.
Right.
I heard about a woman in Detroit
with three breasts.
Let's get on it.
CORKY: I've been looking all over
for you guys. Where have you been?
We were watching a tape of
last week's Jerry Gold Show.
Oh! How could you stand it?
Corky, it was the
most disgusting display
of pseudo-journalism
I've ever seen.
And I think we can outdo it.
I have an idea, Jim:
"The secret sex life
of cable installers."
What do you think?
Not bad.
How about this one: "Devil
worship in the Senate."
I like it.
Ha! You two are such jokers.
Although I wouldn't rule
out the whole area of UFOs.
Mmm. And there's always Elvis.
Maybe we can combine them.
You guys are
serious, aren't you?
Oh, my God. I can't
be a part of this.
I was a Miss America!
I had to see the credits.
I didn't believe those
were real nurses.
They are... Mercy General.
You know, my back's
been acting up a lot lately.
It's not your back, Frank.
Now, come on.
Let's get cracking.
We've got only one chance
to beat Gold at his own game.
Don't forget what
we're up against.
Does anybody know
what he's got scheduled?
"The truth about
penile implants."
Aw, man!
Hey.
What about those nuns
who mud wrestle for charity?
I lost them to Geraldo.
Fetishes?
Yes.
Leather, shoe, silk.
Flannel.
I... I read about it somewhere.
Frank, I saw some of
your film on the homeless.
Incredible work, and so moving.
It can really have an impact.
Thanks, Miles.
Listen, guys, I've
been thinking over
this network suggestion thing.
And I want you to know
I'm behind you 150%.
Even though taking such a
stand could cost me my job,
I walked into that VP's office
and laid it on the line.
I said," FYI is a news
organization of integrity.
"We will not pander
"to the public's thirst
for sensationalism.
Not now, not ever."
That's nice.
Jim, do you know anything
about bestiality? Excuse me?
Here's something: "Confessions
of an Undercover Cop."
"I dress like a
woman, and like it."
"He carried a pair
of 38s and a gun."
What's going on here?
I thought we were finished
pulling jokes on the new guy.
We've had a change
of heart, Miles.
We want people to see
Frank's piece on the homeless,
and the only way
to make that happen
is to pull a stunt...
Do a segment that is so
provocative, so sensational,
that everyone will watch,
and we'll knock Jerry Gold
right on his astronomical ego.
"Women who used to be
men who used to be women."
With big breasts!
Good evening,
and welcome to FYI.
For your information tonight,
Frank Fontana will bring
you an important report
on the homeless in America
and what we can do
about this national disgrace.
And, later, Corky Sherwood
constructs a fascinating profile
of the man, the myth,
the legend: Bert Parks.
But first, in a very
special FYI segment:
The flesh peddlers,
the sex merchants,
the skin trade.
Does America want hookers
on every street corner?
Murphy Brown takes
a walk on the wild side.
Murphy?
Thank you, Jim.
Retail sex in America.
Prostitution.
Should it be legalized?
From either side of
this political hotbed,
my guests this evening
are from Homemakers
Against Gratuitous Sex
and Hookers' Organization
for American Rights.
Now, then, let's start at
the beginning, shall we?
Jessie Fantoosi.
Hookers Organization
for American Rights
was founded over
a decade ago by you
and a handful of "working women"
to lobby for
legalized prostitution.
Today HOAR boasts nearly
2,000 card-carrying members.
For you, how did it get started?
Well, in 1978, the social
and political climate
in this country was such
that one encountered
far fewer breaches
in civil liberties.
And, in that respect...
No, I mean how did you
get started as a hooker?
Oh, well, uh, I
always loved sex,
and it seemed like a damn
good way to make a buck.
Rose Wilson.
Homemakers Against
Gratuitous Sex.
Organized in 1983,
HAGS set out to...
Oh, um, "Homemakers"
will be fine, thank you.
All right. "Homemakers"
set out to combat
what you have termed,
"the growing decay of
moral values in America."
Explain that for us.
Thank you, Murphy.
We believe America
is the greatest country
on the face of
God's green earth.
And we believe the American
family is the backbone
of this country's prosperity,
piety and strength.
And we love our
children very much.
Shawnee Shane, I'm
sure these viewpoints come
as no surprise to you.
Get a tighter shot
on her breasts.
My pleasure.
Not that one!
The hooker.
Let's address the issues of
social and/or moral decay.
Even you, Shawnee, can't tell me
that pornography
and prostitution
are anything but
hurtful to a society.
Well, a lot of
society is willing
to pay extra for
"hurtful." ( laughs)
Seriously, Murphy, we
feel that the mores of society
should never
become so restrictive...
Tanya, Tanya, you want
to know what I'm hearing?
I'm hearing a PhD at the
blackboard of a civics class
with a great big
chip on her shoulder.
Now, let's get down to it.
I want to know what you
think about each other.
What's in your gut?
Phyllis Baker.
Uh, well, I feel
if, uh, if this country is
to preserve its freedom
that, uh, pornographers
and exotic dancers,
and, uh, uh, prostitutes
should be, uh...
Uh-huh, go ahead.
Should be... uh,
should be punished.
How, Phyllis?
Uh, well they should
be locked up or shot.
Sounds like an interesting
way to preserve freedom.
Jessie, how do
you respond to that?
I think the woman needs
to spend three days
in a mountain cabin with
a guy named Gyro Jerry.
I see.
In fact, they could
all use a good diuretic
and a public whipping.
Betty Farkus, how about it?
Is that what you need?
Uh, uh, no, I, I, I
don't need that, um...
but, but, you know,
I, I, I do think that
all of these young ladies
would greatly benefit
by completing their
high school education.
You know, lack of education
in this country may...
Rose, talk to me.
What are you feeling, Rose?
Oh, well, um...
I feel Miss Fantoosi
is ill-informed and...
Your gut, Rose.
Well, I think Miss Fantoosi
is an indecent person.
Ooh!
Rose, Rose, Rose...
An "indecent person"?
That's your response?
Well, no, not entirely, but...
Well, then, come on, what else?
Well, uh...
You didn't drive all
the way down here
just to show off your new dress.
These are the people
you're up against,
right in front of
you, face to face.
What did you want to tell them?
You she-devil!
( pandemonium)
JIM: All right, now, hold it.
That's enough.
There's... there's no reason
we can't all sit and
discuss this like...
Discuss this, buddy!
( Jim grunts)
( elevator dings)
Murphy?
Carl.
I just want you to know,
seeing you in action last night
made my blood run like lava.
Carl, I don't feel
like talking now.
I just wanted to say,
if you should suddenly
find yourself out of work,
I'm here for you, babe.
We could get out of this
lousy business altogether.
Buy us a big rig.
( sighs) It'd be a
damn good life, Murphy.
I'm sure I have your
phone number on file, Carl.
I'll call you later.
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Aw, Jim.
Hello, Murphy.
Does it hurt as bad as it looks?
Yes.
And I deserve the pain.
Murphy, I feel so cheap.
That makes two of us.
( tapping)
Hi.
Hi.
Look, guys, uh, I know it's
not much of a consolation,
but I really appreciated
what you tried to do.
Thanks, Frank.
I know that we had at
least two viewers last night.
My parents called.
My father says I owe him
$45,000 for my education.
And my mother's going
back to her maiden name.
Well, I hope
you're all satisfied.
Perhaps I should share
with you a little story
about a young girl growing up
on a farm in Louisiana,
dreaming about how, one day,
she would find her place in
this world; make her mark.
And how she opened
the TV Guide one day
while sitting in her hotel
room in Atlantic City,
days before her crowning
as the closest thing
this country has to
an actual queen...
and she read an article
about Murphy Brown.
And she said, "That's
what I want to be."
Well, I'll tell you something.
It was between Murphy
Brown and Victoria Principal.
And it's painfully obvious
that I made the wrong choice.
( phone buzzes)
Hello.
Hold on.
It's your office
with the ratings.
Silverberg here.
Shoot.
Uh-huh.
San Francisco.
L.A.
Minneapolis.
Chicago.
New York.
Right.
Thanks.
Looks like it's bad news.
For Jerry Gold!
We clobbered him!
We won in every major
city by a seven point spread!
Oh, my God! We, we, we
broke records... a 47 share!
And we held them the whole hour!
Jim! Jim, my man!
Have you ever seen
a 47 share in your life?!
Whoa, mama!
Great!
That's 50 million people.
50 million people saw your piece
on the homeless last night.
People watched. They saw it.
We did it!
Last week, we had a
measly 12 million viewers.
We're Number One.
And it was easy.
It was so easy.
Hey, Murphy, next week
you're doing that story
on Medicaid, right?
Right.
Okay, so I'll do that thing
on transsexual ballroom dancing.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
We'll give it a real
news story slant.
We'll call it a cultural glitch,
a sign of changing mores,
a reflection of
society's evolution.
I mean, it's not like
we're selling out.
We're only going to
do it a little each week.
Just enough to get people
to watch our good stuff.
You know, I've worked
in this business 30 years.
I, I never had ratings
like this before.
Well, I'm sorry,
but it feels good.
This is what
success is, right...
People watching the show.
Yeah, people watching the show.
The way they slow
down on the highway
to see an accident.
But we did what
we set out to do.
We got what we want.
Didn't we?
♪ I can really move ♪
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪ I'm in the groove ♪
♪ Do you love me? ♪
♪ Do you love me ♪
♪ Now that I can dance? ♪
♪ Watch me now ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Oh, work it out, baby ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Well, you're
driving me crazy ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Just a little
bit of soul now ♪
♪ Work! ♪
♪ I can mash potato ♪
♪ I can mash potato... ♪
( sneezing)
Hello. I'm Murphy Brown.
Stanley Himmelfarb.
I'm your new secretary.
Oh, God, I'm dying!
There's a message
for you from...
from... from Walter Cronkite.
Really?
He said he saw my segment
on the greenhouse
effect last night.
"A wonderful expose
"of corporate irresponsibility
"and government
shortsightedness.
Enjoyed it immensely."
( snorting)
Frank, did you hear this?
Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw my
segment last night
and he enjoyed it immensely!
How about that, huh?
That's real nice.
But let's get serious.
Does Walt have a Nielsen box?
What is it lately?
Everybody's so
ratings conscious.
It's making me crazy.
Are you a success if 40
million people watch the show
and a failure if only 18
million people watch it?
Good morning, everybody.
Has Miles come down
with the ratings yet?
No. He's seven minutes late.
Oh, I wish he'd hurry
up, that little turtle.
Do you think they'll
be any better?
I hate coming in second.
Let me tell you
something, Corky.
After 16 years in this business,
I've learned that
ratings are baloney.
It's the quality of the work
that counts, and that's all.
I really admire you, Murphy.
You're such a professional.
Now, if I could only get
you to vary your hairstyle.
Morning, troops.
Hi there, Jim. Hello, slugger.
Want to hear
something great, Jim?
Walter Cronkite called.
He said he saw
my story last night,
and he enjoyed it immensely.
Wonderful. I hope
the ratings are up.
Jim, you, too?
They're just a meaningless
bunch of numbers.
Yes, you're right.
But why don't they like us
in Denver?
MURPHY: Hiya, Miles.
Let's get started
with our little meeting,
so we can get back
to writing stories
that journalistic giants
like Walter Cronkite
can enjoy immensely.
What's wrong with you?
We took it in the shorts.
If ratings get any lower,
I'll be hosing down the
produce at Food World.
Who got the audience?
As if I didn't know.
Jerry Gold and his
Headline News show.
News? The man spent an
hour exploring the tragic plight
of sex-crazed registered nurses.
Well, it may not
be our idea of news,
but it sure has the
public's attention.
We got a 13 share.
Gold pulled a 42.
He's stomping us in the cities.
That's the third time in three
weeks we've slipped in Denver.
And our 18 to 49 demographics
have dropped right off the page.
What's the matter
with these people?
Murphy, I thought you said
it was the quality of
the work that counts.
Didn't you hear him, Corky?
We're losing!
At least we beat Mr. Belvedere.
I hate this. We work
hard on our shows.
We go to the wall to stay
accurate and intelligent,
only to be blown
out of the water
by Nurse Judy and
her tongue depressor.
Boy, this burns me up.
I'd like to go door to
door across this country
and say, "America,
I'm mad at you."
Well, there was a
suggestion from a network VP.
Oh, great.
It was only a suggestion.
And keep in mind that
I'm only conveying it.
The network feels that maybe
we could make some
of our stories more...
"intellectually accessible
to a broader
spectrum of viewers."
Give them some
T & A? Is that it?
Fine. Why don't I
anchor the show
in a tank top and bicycle pants?
Miles, I've been working
for the past two weeks
on a story about the homeless.
What do they want me
to do: find the lighter side?
Yeah.
You can tell the network
we're not a bunch of
journalistic prostitutes.
They can take their story
and stick it in the
file with Hello, Larry
and Pam Ewing's dream.
That's right.
Yeah.
I am so proud of you people.
Let's get busy.
We got a show to put on.
But maybe, next week, you
two could talk to wardrobe
about some off-the-shoulder
peasant blouses.
Just kidding.
Hi, Phil.
Hiya, kid.
How ya doing?
Well, if this were the old days,
I'd order a double scotch rocks,
but it's a kinder,
gentler America,
so I'll just have a club soda
and sulk for a while.
Yeah, I heard you guys
got slaughtered last night.
Something's really wrong, Phil.
We did a great show, but
America decided to watch Jerry Gold
make a mockery of
the nursing profession.
Yeah, and I gotta tell you,
I found it insulting
to my intelligence.
Phil, you watched it?
I had to, kid.
The customers took
control of the TV.
Aw, Phil.
Personally, I found the
whole thing revolting.
Hell, that one nurse looked like
she has to have her
uniforms specially made.
And, frankly, I don't understand
how a woman like that
can ever get an
accurate heart rate.
Hi, Jim.
Are you feeling
as beat up as I am?
I feel like road kill.
Hi, Murph.
Sorry I'm late, Jim.
I got tied up on this
story I'm working on.
So, hey, guys, what's new?
Frank, we got
murdered in the ratings,
and you're working on a
story about the homeless.
Cheer down, huh?
Hey, listen, Murphy.
Sometimes you just got to laugh
because things are funny.
Like today.
Today was funny. Want
to know what happened?
I could use a good laugh.
Okay, who is the
toughest person you know?
Name the one person
capable of enduring
more pain than anyone.
Marilyn Quayle?
Right here. Come on.
I jump out of planes.
I... I ride with Greenpeace.
I've covered Belfast,
Beirut, Nicaragua.
Face it. I make Ollie
North look like a florist.
Get on with it, Frank.
You smell like fish.
Okay, okay. I'm
working on this story
about the homeless, right?
And I am... I'm just tired
of dealing with
government statisticians,
the economic theorists,
the bureaucrats,
so I took it to the street.
Went down along
the northwest quadrant
over near the State Department.
Sat around with
a few of the guys.
I met this character...
Uh, General Custer.
He plays checkers
on an imaginary board.
He said he beat me
three games. ( chuckles)
Then... then I met
this guy named Ed.
He's about my age.
He's got a daughter...
Six or seven...
Maureen.
"Mo."
Big, brown eyes.
Oh, about this tall.
They've got nothing.
Ed, he lost his wife.
He lost his job.
So they're living in an
abandoned car... an old Ford.
He... he said to me, if I ever
needed a place to stay warm,
I could use their trunk.
I said, "No, thanks."
So I'm walking away
and, all of a sudden,
I hear this little
voice yell my name.
It's Mo.
She comes running after me,
and she says...
"Mister, I've been saving
this, but you can have it.
My dad says it's okay."
And she hands me 37 cents.
Cash.
So you know how...
you're a journalist,
right, or a reporter,
you get this kind of a shell...
Things don't get to you.
Well... I walked all
the way back here,
and all I could think about
was how I have the power
to show this to people.
And maybe, if they know,
they'll do something about it.
But here's the funny part.
Nobody is going
to see this story.
They're going to be
watching Jerry Gold.
Is that a killer or what?
Well...
look, uh...
You know, I'm sorry
about lunch, Jim.
I'm... I'm due in editing.
We've got to do something, Jim.
We just can't let Jerry Gold
roll over us again next week.
I agree.
Maybe we should
meet with the network,
ask for more promotion.
Take some bigger newspaper ads.
Perhaps get out among
the viewers more?
Who are we kidding?
We're gonna get creamed.
I hate this.
It really makes you
want to fight fire with fire.
Doesn't it?
Yes.
But we have to
resist that feeling.
I know.
Although...
we wouldn't really have to
compromise our standards
if we... if it was just
the one segment
leading into Frank's.
Right. Just one.
Something that would
really get people to watch.
And we would never do it again.
No. Never again.
Just the one time.
The one time.
What do you think?
I think it might be all right.
If we only do it once.
Yes, once. Just once.
That's all.
Right.
I heard about a woman in Detroit
with three breasts.
Let's get on it.
CORKY: I've been looking all over
for you guys. Where have you been?
We were watching a tape of
last week's Jerry Gold Show.
Oh! How could you stand it?
Corky, it was the
most disgusting display
of pseudo-journalism
I've ever seen.
And I think we can outdo it.
I have an idea, Jim:
"The secret sex life
of cable installers."
What do you think?
Not bad.
How about this one: "Devil
worship in the Senate."
I like it.
Ha! You two are such jokers.
Although I wouldn't rule
out the whole area of UFOs.
Mmm. And there's always Elvis.
Maybe we can combine them.
You guys are
serious, aren't you?
Oh, my God. I can't
be a part of this.
I was a Miss America!
I had to see the credits.
I didn't believe those
were real nurses.
They are... Mercy General.
You know, my back's
been acting up a lot lately.
It's not your back, Frank.
Now, come on.
Let's get cracking.
We've got only one chance
to beat Gold at his own game.
Don't forget what
we're up against.
Does anybody know
what he's got scheduled?
"The truth about
penile implants."
Aw, man!
Hey.
What about those nuns
who mud wrestle for charity?
I lost them to Geraldo.
Fetishes?
Yes.
Leather, shoe, silk.
Flannel.
I... I read about it somewhere.
Frank, I saw some of
your film on the homeless.
Incredible work, and so moving.
It can really have an impact.
Thanks, Miles.
Listen, guys, I've
been thinking over
this network suggestion thing.
And I want you to know
I'm behind you 150%.
Even though taking such a
stand could cost me my job,
I walked into that VP's office
and laid it on the line.
I said," FYI is a news
organization of integrity.
"We will not pander
"to the public's thirst
for sensationalism.
Not now, not ever."
That's nice.
Jim, do you know anything
about bestiality? Excuse me?
Here's something: "Confessions
of an Undercover Cop."
"I dress like a
woman, and like it."
"He carried a pair
of 38s and a gun."
What's going on here?
I thought we were finished
pulling jokes on the new guy.
We've had a change
of heart, Miles.
We want people to see
Frank's piece on the homeless,
and the only way
to make that happen
is to pull a stunt...
Do a segment that is so
provocative, so sensational,
that everyone will watch,
and we'll knock Jerry Gold
right on his astronomical ego.
"Women who used to be
men who used to be women."
With big breasts!
Good evening,
and welcome to FYI.
For your information tonight,
Frank Fontana will bring
you an important report
on the homeless in America
and what we can do
about this national disgrace.
And, later, Corky Sherwood
constructs a fascinating profile
of the man, the myth,
the legend: Bert Parks.
But first, in a very
special FYI segment:
The flesh peddlers,
the sex merchants,
the skin trade.
Does America want hookers
on every street corner?
Murphy Brown takes
a walk on the wild side.
Murphy?
Thank you, Jim.
Retail sex in America.
Prostitution.
Should it be legalized?
From either side of
this political hotbed,
my guests this evening
are from Homemakers
Against Gratuitous Sex
and Hookers' Organization
for American Rights.
Now, then, let's start at
the beginning, shall we?
Jessie Fantoosi.
Hookers Organization
for American Rights
was founded over
a decade ago by you
and a handful of "working women"
to lobby for
legalized prostitution.
Today HOAR boasts nearly
2,000 card-carrying members.
For you, how did it get started?
Well, in 1978, the social
and political climate
in this country was such
that one encountered
far fewer breaches
in civil liberties.
And, in that respect...
No, I mean how did you
get started as a hooker?
Oh, well, uh, I
always loved sex,
and it seemed like a damn
good way to make a buck.
Rose Wilson.
Homemakers Against
Gratuitous Sex.
Organized in 1983,
HAGS set out to...
Oh, um, "Homemakers"
will be fine, thank you.
All right. "Homemakers"
set out to combat
what you have termed,
"the growing decay of
moral values in America."
Explain that for us.
Thank you, Murphy.
We believe America
is the greatest country
on the face of
God's green earth.
And we believe the American
family is the backbone
of this country's prosperity,
piety and strength.
And we love our
children very much.
Shawnee Shane, I'm
sure these viewpoints come
as no surprise to you.
Get a tighter shot
on her breasts.
My pleasure.
Not that one!
The hooker.
Let's address the issues of
social and/or moral decay.
Even you, Shawnee, can't tell me
that pornography
and prostitution
are anything but
hurtful to a society.
Well, a lot of
society is willing
to pay extra for
"hurtful." ( laughs)
Seriously, Murphy, we
feel that the mores of society
should never
become so restrictive...
Tanya, Tanya, you want
to know what I'm hearing?
I'm hearing a PhD at the
blackboard of a civics class
with a great big
chip on her shoulder.
Now, let's get down to it.
I want to know what you
think about each other.
What's in your gut?
Phyllis Baker.
Uh, well, I feel
if, uh, if this country is
to preserve its freedom
that, uh, pornographers
and exotic dancers,
and, uh, uh, prostitutes
should be, uh...
Uh-huh, go ahead.
Should be... uh,
should be punished.
How, Phyllis?
Uh, well they should
be locked up or shot.
Sounds like an interesting
way to preserve freedom.
Jessie, how do
you respond to that?
I think the woman needs
to spend three days
in a mountain cabin with
a guy named Gyro Jerry.
I see.
In fact, they could
all use a good diuretic
and a public whipping.
Betty Farkus, how about it?
Is that what you need?
Uh, uh, no, I, I, I
don't need that, um...
but, but, you know,
I, I, I do think that
all of these young ladies
would greatly benefit
by completing their
high school education.
You know, lack of education
in this country may...
Rose, talk to me.
What are you feeling, Rose?
Oh, well, um...
I feel Miss Fantoosi
is ill-informed and...
Your gut, Rose.
Well, I think Miss Fantoosi
is an indecent person.
Ooh!
Rose, Rose, Rose...
An "indecent person"?
That's your response?
Well, no, not entirely, but...
Well, then, come on, what else?
Well, uh...
You didn't drive all
the way down here
just to show off your new dress.
These are the people
you're up against,
right in front of
you, face to face.
What did you want to tell them?
You she-devil!
( pandemonium)
JIM: All right, now, hold it.
That's enough.
There's... there's no reason
we can't all sit and
discuss this like...
Discuss this, buddy!
( Jim grunts)
( elevator dings)
Murphy?
Carl.
I just want you to know,
seeing you in action last night
made my blood run like lava.
Carl, I don't feel
like talking now.
I just wanted to say,
if you should suddenly
find yourself out of work,
I'm here for you, babe.
We could get out of this
lousy business altogether.
Buy us a big rig.
( sighs) It'd be a
damn good life, Murphy.
I'm sure I have your
phone number on file, Carl.
I'll call you later.
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Aw, Jim.
Hello, Murphy.
Does it hurt as bad as it looks?
Yes.
And I deserve the pain.
Murphy, I feel so cheap.
That makes two of us.
( tapping)
Hi.
Hi.
Look, guys, uh, I know it's
not much of a consolation,
but I really appreciated
what you tried to do.
Thanks, Frank.
I know that we had at
least two viewers last night.
My parents called.
My father says I owe him
$45,000 for my education.
And my mother's going
back to her maiden name.
Well, I hope
you're all satisfied.
Perhaps I should share
with you a little story
about a young girl growing up
on a farm in Louisiana,
dreaming about how, one day,
she would find her place in
this world; make her mark.
And how she opened
the TV Guide one day
while sitting in her hotel
room in Atlantic City,
days before her crowning
as the closest thing
this country has to
an actual queen...
and she read an article
about Murphy Brown.
And she said, "That's
what I want to be."
Well, I'll tell you something.
It was between Murphy
Brown and Victoria Principal.
And it's painfully obvious
that I made the wrong choice.
( phone buzzes)
Hello.
Hold on.
It's your office
with the ratings.
Silverberg here.
Shoot.
Uh-huh.
San Francisco.
L.A.
Minneapolis.
Chicago.
New York.
Right.
Thanks.
Looks like it's bad news.
For Jerry Gold!
We clobbered him!
We won in every major
city by a seven point spread!
Oh, my God! We, we, we
broke records... a 47 share!
And we held them the whole hour!
Jim! Jim, my man!
Have you ever seen
a 47 share in your life?!
Whoa, mama!
Great!
That's 50 million people.
50 million people saw your piece
on the homeless last night.
People watched. They saw it.
We did it!
Last week, we had a
measly 12 million viewers.
We're Number One.
And it was easy.
It was so easy.
Hey, Murphy, next week
you're doing that story
on Medicaid, right?
Right.
Okay, so I'll do that thing
on transsexual ballroom dancing.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
We'll give it a real
news story slant.
We'll call it a cultural glitch,
a sign of changing mores,
a reflection of
society's evolution.
I mean, it's not like
we're selling out.
We're only going to
do it a little each week.
Just enough to get people
to watch our good stuff.
You know, I've worked
in this business 30 years.
I, I never had ratings
like this before.
Well, I'm sorry,
but it feels good.
This is what
success is, right...
People watching the show.
Yeah, people watching the show.
The way they slow
down on the highway
to see an accident.
But we did what
we set out to do.
We got what we want.
Didn't we?