Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996): Season 7, Episode 18 - Where Have You Gone, Billy Boy? - full transcript
A shy ventriloquist is suspected of murdering a ruthless comedy club owner.
I took Woody in when he
was a dead-broke nobody.
He owes me. And if he
walks, I'll sue his butt off.
I want my Billy Boy
back, safe and unharmed!
That's what I want from you!
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote.
You think people are just trash.
You think you can
just ruin their lives!
Whoever bashed in that
lady's head plays rough,
so stay out of my
way on this one.
You walk away from this, and
I'm out of here. You understand?
Just as I thought.
You got something?
Conspiracy, perjury, and murder.
DENNIS: It's me.
JESSICA: It's not you.
But of course it is.
Damian Sinclair is dashing,
intelligent, witty, compassionate.
All my best traits.
What I take issue with
is this tailless dummy some
hack illustrator's come up with.
Really, now I look
like an aging gigolo.
Well, yes, there may be
one or two minor similarities...
Minor? Is that
what you call them?
The man is a
reformed jewel thief,
who works as an investigator
for an insurance company.
All right, all right, I admit you
may have inspired the character.
Ah-ha.
But the resemblance
stops right there.
Well, too bad, because if
you'd kept closer to the original
this narration would not be such a
hodgepodge of far-fetched relationships
and melodramatic plot twists.
Really?
Not that I didn't enjoy them.
But I could tell you stories.
In fact, I think I will. Did I
ever tell you about Billy Boy?
No, but I think
that you're about to,
in which case, I'd
like some more tea.
Oh, allow me, allow me.
Billy Boy, now that was a
fascinating little character.
Two feet tall,
the disposition of a lemon
and the manners of an iguana.
Oh.
It all started, let me
see, last September,
at a popular night spot known
as Kate Kelley's Comedy Club.
WOODY: Don't
encourage him, please.
Billy, what'd you
study in school today?
Miss Schumacher.
I didn't ask you the
name of your teacher,
I asked you what you studied.
I heard the question, Elwood.
And what did you learn?
You mean, besides her
home phone number?
Billy, you don't understand.
I want you to share with
us what you learned today.
Sure, Elwood. 2-1-6,
that's the area code.
That'll be your half.
Honestly, I don't...
I don't have the slightest
interest in Miss Schumacher.
Good. That's all I need.
A wet blanket like you,
horning in on my action.
Nice crowd tonight, huh?
Yeah.
They sure like Woody
and Billy Boy, Miss Kelley.
WOODY: Consider the
differences in your ages,
and your experience.
What she doesn't
know, I'll teach her.
Cha-cha-cha!
Honest, folks, I didn't come
up with this dumb routine.
Hey, you want to
see his lips move?
Ask me what he
had for dinner tonight.
Hey, Billy!
(MEN CATCALLING)
What'd he have
for dinner tonight?
Hey, Elwood, what do you
know, a straight man with curves!
Okay, sweetheart, I'll
tell you what we had...
Ahem, Italian food.
Well, what kind of Italian food?
We had linguini.
Ow!
Mounds and mounds of Mamma
Mia's macaroni and meatballs!
You want to try that again?
Mounds and mounds of Mamma
Mia's macaroni and meatballs.
He's got it! I
think he's got it!
Hey, how about
that, huh? Terrific!
Woody Perkins and Billy Boy!
I told you he was
something else, huh?
Woody, yeah! Having a good time?
Well, that concludes
the first show...
TOM: Woody!
Woody, that was great!
You killed them out there!
Yeah? Then how come
they're still breathing?
Maybe I just
wounded them a little.
Funny.
If this guy's so funny
how come I'm still stuck in this
rundown flea trap for short money?
Because you've got
a contract, that's why.
Uh-oh, the Bride of Dracula.
Don't look at me, honey.
All I got is termites.
Oh, stop that, Woody.
Right now I want to talk to you,
not your dummy, you understand?
Sure, Kate.
I've got a pile of reservations
for the midnight show.
I need you to do another set.
Oh, come on, Kate,
he's already done eight
performances this weekend.
Can I help it if San
Francisco loves this guy?
Listen, Brunhilde,
you never heard of the
Emancipation Proclamation?
There's a limit to how
much you can do...
Listen, Woody,
I've told you before,
stop letting your dummy
do your talking for you.
That goes for your
other dummy, too.
BILLY BOY: Let me give her
a splinter, just one little splinter.
Forget it, Billy.
Hey, Woody, we were
terrific tonight, weren't we?
Hey, cutie-face,
watch the threads!
Who wants dinner?
Not tonight, Brenda. Kate
wants us to do another set.
You're kidding.
Woody. Thanks, Tom.
I guess they really
liked us, huh, Woody?
Looks that way.
How was I tonight?
Wonderful.
'Cause I was thinking, Woody,
I think it would help the
act if I went up on the stage.
You know, like I was
part of the routine.
Brenda, it's working
fine just the way it is.
I got two lousy lines, like I
was some tourist from Kokomo!
Is that the way it's gonna be
for the rest of my life, Woody?
No, honey.
It's just that Billy and I
have been working together...
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Woody Perkins.
Hey, there he is!
All right, Woody! Hell of a
show tonight, man. I loved it.
I'm Vic DiMarco.
Vic DiMarco? Yeah.
The Vic DiMarco?
Mr. DiMarco, Tom
Benzinger. Hey, Tom.
I'm Woody's manager.
This is Brenda.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Now, Woody, look, I'm booked
into Vegas for the next two months,
starting a week from Tuesday.
Now to tell you the truth,
I came down here tonight
hoping to find a
new opening act.
And you know what?
I think maybe it's you.
Me? Yeah.
Oh! Gee, I don't know.
He doesn't know what to say. But
whatever you want, we can work it out.
Well, good. My manager's
right out in the hall.
What do you say we talk
about this thing over a drink?
Absolutely.
WOODY: Tom.
You know, we talked about
putting together some new material,
and maybe working
some of the kinks out.
And I'm not really sure...
If you left it up to Woody he'd still
be working kids' birthday parties.
Relax, Woody.
We'll take care of it.
Come on, let's talk.
Are you out of your mind? Vegas!
And you want to screw it up?
No, honey. I just don't feel...
No, Woody.
You talk to me, not
the dummy. You.
(STUTTERING) I just don't
think we're ready. Billy and I.
And me. And you.
Sure, Brenda, you, too.
Listen, Woody,
you walk away from
this, and I'm out of here.
You understand?
I love you, baby, and
I want to be with you.
It's just that when the chance
comes, you got to take it.
Not just for yourself,
but for the both of us.
Woody.
I want you to do this, Woody.
Please, baby.
Sure, Brenda.
You want to go to
Las Vegas, we'll go.
Do you have a hearing problem?
I said no.
Come on, Kate,
eight weeks in Vegas.
Do you realize what
this could do for Woody?
Listen, your pal has a
job right here with me
for the next seven months.
Check your contract.
This kind of place is supposed
to be a stepping stone for him.
Listen, Benzinger.
I took Woody in when he
was a dead-broke nobody.
I gave him a chance. He owes me.
And if he walks,
I'll sue his butt off.
You just try it.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Hey, don't you think you're
a little rough on the kids?
It's business, Joe.
Woody and that dummy
bring in the audiences.
I can milk that act for
the next seven months,
and that's just
what I intend to do.
I hear you. I hear you.
It's just that when...
Oh, please, Joe.
Leave business to me.
Kate, I know you're
smarter than me,
Kate, but I'm still
your partner, and...
A junior partner.
Any time you want to sell
your end, it's just fine with me.
Funny, you didn't
sound like that
when you needed the
bread to open the place, huh?
It's the best investment
you ever made.
Katie, Katie, Katie,
something's happened to you.
I don't know what.
Something.
Well, it's really kind
of sad, you know.
DENNIS: Really, Robert, I
do think you're overreacting.
ROBERT: Twin midgets?
You spent $3,000
to hire twin midgets?
And weren't we
lucky to find them?
I mean, without them we
would never have found
the Turkish Consul's missing
wife along with her jewelry,
I might add.
The cost of doing business.
With everyone else, the cost
of doing business in this office
is 25 cents a mile, bridge
tolls, telephone charges...
Sorry. I thought you
were looking for results.
You're out to get me, right?
Nonsense, Robert.
I don't know what I'd do without your
cheery presence to brighten my every day.
Hear me good on this, Stanton.
If another one of these
vouchers comes across my desk,
you are out on the
street without a job.
You know what that means?
That means that the courts might
consider it a violation of your probation.
They might even consider
putting you behind bars
which, incidentally,
is where you belong.
And here I thought we
were getting along so well.
Oh, no.
You may have
fooled them upstairs,
but not me, buddy
boy. Not me. Okay?
Now, I have a case for you.
Oh, excellent. I've been bored
silly for the past two weeks.
Mmm. Well, don't
get your hopes up.
This is not a mole hill you
can make a mountain out of.
This has nothing to
do with fancy jewelry,
missing heirs,
or visiting royalty.
This has to do with the other
end of the social spectrum.
Show business.
Oh! Well, I have a special
passion for the theater.
What seems to be the problem?
Well, the insured has
reported a missing dummy,
and right away I thought of you.
Oh.
JOE: Say, buddy.
Excuse me, the place
doesn't open till 6:00.
Oh! Well, I'm looking
for Elwood Perkins.
Elwood... Hmm, insurance, huh?
KATE: You get out of here,
before I have you thrown out!
Oh.
Listen, Kate, you're
not God, you know!
Around here, I'm
the next best thing.
For two years! For two
years I kept this place going.
I was your headliner.
KATE: That's ancient history.
You owe me!
I owe you nothing. Look at you.
You've got the shakes so
bad you can hardly stand up.
Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?
Miss Templeton
burst into my office.
She's looking for
her old job back.
Show her the door, Joe.
Show her the door!
Kate, come on. Let me go, Joe!
You think people are just trash.
You think you can
just ruin their lives!
Well, not me, Kate, not me.
I'm coming back. You'll
see, I am coming back!
(KATE CHUCKLING)
Kate, you never should
have talked to her that way.
She's a lush.
No, no! She's
straightened herself out.
Listen, I have no time
for your ex-girlfriends.
If you want to sleep with
her, that's your business.
But my business
is running this club.
I book the acts
around here, not you.
And who are you?
Miss Kelley, I presume?
My name is Dennis Stanton.
I'm looking for Elwood Perkins.
What for? Well, he's a client.
Oh, a lawyer. I see.
Oh, no, Well, listen, friend.
I told Woody, and
I'll tell you. No, no, I...
That contract is tighter
than a five-and-dime girdle.
You are wasting your time.
Hold it, time out. He's from
the insurance company.
Yes. Oh, I see.
That's different. You'll find
Woody in his dressing room.
It's down there to
the left. Thank you.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Pardon me. Mr. Perkins?
Yes?
Dennis Stanton,
Consolidated Casualty.
You reported the
theft of a dummy.
Billy Boy wasn't stolen,
Mr. Stanton. He was kidnapped.
Oh.
Does that mean he's
being held for ransom?
I don't know. I haven't
been contacted yet.
Oh, well, of course.
If there's any chance
that he may be returned,
the company will
cooperate in any way.
Short of that, your policy calls for
$10,000 casualty reimbursement.
You can't just pay
me for Billy Boy.
I want him back.
Of course. But realistically
speaking, that just may not be possible.
Tom has someone working on a
new model, but I just won't do it.
I will not work
with an imposter.
No, Mr. Stanton, I
don't want your money.
I want my Billy Boy
back, safe and unharmed!
That's what I want from you!
Sorry, Tom. You were saying?
It was the following morning.
I had an appointment with
Vic DiMarco and his manager.
Brenda wanted to go with
me, but Woody begged off.
He wanted to rehearse a
new routine with Billy Boy,
so we dropped him
off here at the club.
And what time was that?
Around 9:30.
We'd just arrived at
DiMarco's hotel room,
when we got this
frantic call from Woody.
Someone had broken into the
dressing room here, and stolen Billy Boy.
Yes, the door seems to have
been forced by something.
Was that when he
notified the police?
He called them as soon
as he hung up from me.
They sent some people over, and they
made a quick search, but that was about it.
But after they left,
Woody and Brenda and I went
over this place from basement to attic.
There was nothing.
Mr. Perkins seems to
be taking it very badly.
Almost as if he'd lost a child.
He has.
Look, I've known
Woody since high school.
I've been his
friend, his manager,
his spiritual advisor,
his Dutch uncle.
But compared to Billy
Boy, I'm a stranger.
He tells me you've commissioned
someone to build a new dummy.
Yes, the new Billy Boy
will be ready on Friday,
just in time for that Vegas
engagement with DiMarco.
Which is why we really
need that check, Mr. Stanton.
But Mr. Perkins doesn't want
a check, he wants the original.
Yes, I know.
Look, I don't know who
stole Billy Boy or why,
but the worst scenario is the little
guy's at the bottom of the bay by now.
It's been three days.
If he'd been taken for ransom, I think
we would have heard something by now.
Yes, yes, you're probably right.
Well, thank you, Mr. Benzinger.
You've been very helpful.
I'm going to look around a bit
more, and if everything's satisfactory
you should have your
check in a couple of days.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Okay, that's great.
Sure, no problem.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Kreuger.
Hey, Woody, isn't it terrific?
Mr. Kreuger says that we'll be
able to pick up Billy Boy on Friday.
It isn't Billy Boy.
Look, Woody, Mr. Kreuger says
that you will not be
able to tell the difference.
What does he know?
All he's making is a dummy.
Look, I know how you feel.
Really, I do. I mean...
It's kind of like losing a
pet. A dog, or something.
I mean, just because
you get a new one to love
doesn't mean you love
the old one any less.
Oh, come on, you'll see.
After we get to Vegas, and you've
done the show a couple of times
it'll just be like always.
I promise you that, baby.
Brenda, I'm scared.
Kate's Club, it's
been like home to me.
It's the first place they
really like Billy and me.
When I'm up on
that stage, I feel safe.
But Vegas, everything's so big.
I don't know, it scares me.
But Vegas will be great.
Look, people are
the same everywhere,
and they're gonna
love you there.
And I'm gonna be there with you.
You want that, don't you, Woody?
You want me there
with you, don't you?
Huh?
Sure.
Then you just listen
to me, and to Tom,
and there'll be
nothing to be afraid of.
Not Kate, not
Vegas, not anything.
DENNIS: Rhoda, dear,
what are you doing here?
Me? It's almost 7:30.
I thought you had a date
with what's-her-name,
the redhead with the nose job.
Oh, Angela Devereaux.
No, I'm afraid that all
came to an abrupt end.
She ditched you, huh?
Mmm-hmm. I'm afraid so.
For the past several weeks,
the lady's conversation has been
peppered with references to matrimony.
Since I'm far too set in my ways to
share my toothpaste with anyone,
I told her to set her
cap for someone else.
Now, what about you?
Those files would have
waited until tomorrow.
What's happened to Myron?
We had a fight.
His mother thinks I'm
some kind of genetic inferior.
She wants him to marry
a lady doctor or a dentist.
I'm not good breeding
stock for her grandchildren.
She told you that?
She told Myron.
I mean, not in so many
words, but I got the hint.
So I told Myron
what I thought of him
and his mother, and
that's why I'm here.
I don't want to be home
when he comes looking for me.
I want him to think I've got some
kind of a life that doesn't include him.
Which of course I don't.
Not right now.
Oh, now, there, there.
No tears, no tears.
What I think you
need is a good dinner.
I hate eating alone
'cause people stare at you.
Alone? Now, who said anything
about alone? I wouldn't hear of it.
I've still got my
reservation at Gamberelli's.
I mean, if you wouldn't mind
sharing a fettuccine Alfredo?
You're kidding.
Well, I realize I may
be taken for your father.
Well, your uncle,
anyway, youngish uncle.
You're just feeling
sorry for me.
Oh, Rhoda, darling, I'm
the one that's being stood up.
I really would
be very flattered.
Well, sure.
Fine.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Ah, now that could be Myron.
I'll tell him you're
off to Sausalito,
sharing pizza with a
linebacker from the 49ers.
Dennis Stanton. Can I help you?
BILLY BOY ON PHONE: Hey, Denny.
How are you, guy? You know who this is?
No, I'm afraid not.
It's me, Billy Boy.
Elwood says you're
looking for me.
Billy? Yes, he's very
worried about you.
He ought to be.
Without me, the guy's about
as sharp as a glob of Jell-O.
Where are you?
At the club, in the basement.
In one of the wardrobe trunks.
So, Denny, do me a favor, huh?
Get me out of here!
(DIAL TONE HUMMING)
What is it?
Dinner's off, I'm afraid.
Yeah, sure. That's okay.
Because you and I have
got a claim to investigate.
Me? And since Mr. Butler
hasn't seen fit to enroll you
for the company program,
it's time you had some
on-the-job training.
Get your purse.
I don't get it. What makes you
think the dummy's in the basement?
Well, let's call
it a wild hunch.
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
What the heck's going on?
This door's never locked.
Do you have a key?
Me? No, no.
Kate's got the only one,
and she's not here yet.
Which is also kind of weird,
now that I think about it.
I wonder where the heck she is.
Well, I guess you're
out of luck, huh?
Not necessarily.
(CHUCKLING) Excuse
me. Do you mind?
Oh, Kate's not gonna
be in love with that.
I'll take the responsibility.
DENNIS: Right.
Now we have to find
some wardrobe trunks.
Wardrobe trunks, it's
over in the corner there.
I'm telling you, they went over
the whole place from top to bottom.
Yes, I'm sure they did.
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
(CHUCKLES)
I thought somebody
searched the place.
Mmm-hmm.
Probably Woody Perkins, himself.
Dennis.
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Doc.
Now, let me get this straight.
You knew you'd find a missing
dummy here on a hunch?
No, Lieutenant, it
was a telephone tip.
From who?
The voice was unfamiliar.
Strange-sounding.
Disguised.
You might say that.
Hey, get that stretcher
down here, come on!
Let's go, guys, stay with us.
Stanton.
You know, the last
guy I expected to see
at a grungy dive like this
is you. So what's the scam?
There is no scam.
Don't make me laugh.
Are you slumming?
What're we talking about
here, jewels, paintings?
Believe me, my only
involvement is Billy Boy.
Yeah, what's his last
name? Rockefeller?
Now, listen, you ain't
on Nob Hill now, sport.
Whoever bashed in that
lady's head plays rough,
so stay out of my
way on this one.
If you get hurt, I
got to write you up.
I found it in the
Rolodex on her desk.
Stay here and keep an
eye on the Lieutenant.
If anything happens, you
know where to reach me.
Dennis, look,
strictly speaking, we
got the doll back, right?
The rest of this, it's really
none of our business, is it?
About an hour ago, I
received a phone call
from a frightened,
unhappy little man
and it sounded very
much like a cry for help.
Brenda, you can't just
walk out on the guy.
Watch me.
This'll kill him. You know that.
Well, the guy's a loser.
I've got better things to
do with the rest of my life.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mr. Stanton. Sorry to intrude.
I'm looking for Woody.
Well, he's not here.
Well, that's unfortunate.
Have you any idea where he is?
No. But, Mr. Stanton,
this is not a good time.
Ah, you must be Miss McCoy.
Dennis Stanton. Delighted to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Sorry I
can't stick around for a chat.
Are you going somewhere?
Yep. Anywhere.
We just found out that Vic DiMarco
has signed a new act for Vegas.
Yes, he told good old Woody
boy early this afternoon,
only Woody forgot to tell us.
So long, Tom. I'd like
to say it's been fun,
but if you need to get in
touch with me, don't bother.
Miss McCoy, I don't
think you should leave.
The police may
want to chat with you.
The police? What for?
About an hour ago we found Kate
Kelley's body in the club basement.
Someone had caved her
head in with a hammer.
Kate's dead?
And you think Woody had
something to do with this?
At the moment, I don't
know what to think.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Yes, he's here.
It's for you.
Yes?
Yes, Rhoda.
(SIGHS)
Yes, I see.
All right, you go home.
I'll deal with
Lieutenant Catalano.
The police have picked up Woody.
They're holding him for murder.
I got the guy sneaking out
the back door of the club
a couple of hours before
you discovered the body.
And, by the way, I want to talk to
you about that handy-dandy tool kit
you've got tucked
into your umbrella.
When you say "got the guy,"
what does that mean exactly?
An eyewitness who saw him
skulking away from the premises
dripping with blood?
Eyewitness? You bet.
And I don't recall
asking you into my office,
so good night, Mr. Stanton.
Oh, now, Perry. I am officially
involved in this case, you know.
No, you're involved
with a missing dummy.
Murder's out of your league.
Oh, and by the way,
if you're thinking of claiming
Billy Boy, you better think again,
because he's evidence.
Of what? Motive.
This case is dead-bang, Stanton.
The lady steals the guy's dummy
to keep him from
taking a hike to Vegas.
Now, he catches
her doing it, and then
slugs her with a
ball-peen hammer.
And leaves without
taking Billy Boy with him?
Perry, shame on you.
You want me to
spell it out for you?
There's a lady named Sally
Templeton, used to perform at the club.
Yes, I believe I ran into her.
All right, she's out back
when Woody Perkins
comes out the back door,
runs down the alley,
and disappears.
Now, I've got means,
motive, and opportunity.
They don't come
any neater than this.
And what does Woody say?
Nothing. He doesn't
even want a lawyer.
Public defender was with
him for over half an hour,
and he wouldn't
even open his mouth.
I don't suppose you'd
let me have a try at him?
Why would you
think he'd talk to you?
He might.
With a little help
from a friend.
Good evening, Woody.
I know it's late,
but I brought a friend
to keep you company.
There.
So, tell me.
How did you get
yourself into this mess?
You know, they've got a witness
who saw you running away
just before Miss Kelley's
body was discovered.
You've got to be kidding.
This guy kill somebody?
He goes into trauma if he
accidentally steps on a cockroach.
I see.
A believer in the
sanctity of life.
Nah. Just chicken.
Tell me, Billy, how did you
end up in that wardrobe trunk?
How else?
Elwood stuck me there.
Really?
This guy's a real loser, Denny.
The Vegas gig,
he was so scared, he was getting
goose bumps on his toenails.
So he figures, "Wait a minute,
"suppose I make them think
somebody stole Billy Boy?
"I mean, he's the funny one."
And you sure
got that right, pal.
Without Billy Boy, the Italian
troubadour's got to find himself a new act.
So what does Elwood do?
He takes me into the
basement, hides me in a trunk,
the next day he tells
everybody I've been kidnapped.
Naturally, the cops
show up to look around,
for maybe five minutes, because
on a list of their top 10 priorities
I come in around 59th.
And then when the others
started to search more thoroughly
Woody volunteered
to cover the basement.
You got the picture.
But things changed, didn't they?
Woody got a phone
call from Vic DiMarco,
canceling the Vegas engagement.
Right on, Denny.
No need to keep me stashed away,
so he came back
tonight to get me.
Only guess what. The
basement door was locked.
So what does Mr. Macho do?
He runs like hell, and he
calls you to come and get me,
'cause he knows
he can't do it himself.
DENNIS ON TAPE: When he ran into
the alley, did he see Sally Templeton?
BILLY BOY: He didn't see nobody.
He was just moving.
That's it?
You want me to
take that to the DA.
The guy can't
even talk for himself.
But he did talk,
Perry. In his own way.
Oh, and he's gonna look
great on the witness stand
sitting there playing straight
man to a dummy in his lap.
Tell me, is the little guy gonna sit
on his lap in the gas chamber, too?
Who's got the key?
What?
The key to the basement.
Kate Kelley had the only
one, according to Joe Gelardi.
Now it's in the
possession of the killer,
since the killer locked
the door on the way out.
Good night, Mr. Stanton.
Does that mean that when you picked
up Woody loitering outside the club
working up the nerve to come
inside, that you did not find the key?
Have a nice
evening, Mr. Stanton.
If I ever need any
help in the future,
I'll be sure to
call on you first.
Phew!
Key?
Well, good morning, Mr. Butler.
Good morning, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Butler.
Good morning, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Butler.
Really?
"Dunderheaded
king of the noodles."
Good morning, Mr. Stanton! Oh.
Oh, nice of you
to drop by today.
I'm not interrupting
your reading, am I?
I know this book so well, I could
almost recite it from memory.
Well, that's nice.
Uh... What about Elwood Perkins?
Oh, there's no need to
congratulate me, Robert.
The case practically
solved itself.
Well, now that the item's been
recovered, your interest is over.
Of course.
Oh, really? Really?
Well, then, could
you tell me why
you're having Security do background
checks on a Katherine Kelley,
a Joseph P. Gelardi, a Brenda
McCoy, and a Thomas Benzinger?
Well, you see, there are
one or two loose ends.
For instance, our
insured is in county jail,
facing a charge of
first degree murder.
None of our business.
But of course it is.
What's our motto?
"A friend in need
to a friend in..."
No, "A friend indeed..."
Oh, something like that.
The man insured a dummy.
The dummy has been
recovered. The case is closed.
What does it profit a company to
gain $10,000 and to end up losing 50?
Exac... What?
I cross-checked Elwood
Perkins for additional policies.
It seems the gentleman's mother
took out a $50,000 life insurance
policy when he was a lad of 10.
Now, Robert, unless
someone rescues Mr. Perkins
from this grave
miscarriage of justice,
an innocent man's
journey to the gas chamber
could cost this
company very dearly.
Now, wait a
minute, this isn't...
I know that I have your
blessing to continue.
(WHISPERING) And I'm sure
Mr. Keating will be very pleased.
Dennis. Oh, excuse me.
I have those phone
records that you wanted.
Ah, my phone bill.
(CHUCKLING)
Trust these computers
to bollix things up.
I shall only be on this another
day or two. Promise, Robert.
And thank you for all your
understanding and support.
Rhoda, to work!
Narrow of mind,
and small of spirit.
Now, what do we have?
Those are all the phone
numbers that were called
from Kate Kelley's office
over the past couple of weeks.
I was able to
identify most of them.
And Miss Sally Templeton?
That's her number right there.
There were nine different calls.
Why would Kate Kelley
be calling Sally Templeton?
I thought she hated her.
Ah, here we are.
Just as I thought.
You got something?
Conspiracy, perjury,
and murder. Take a look.
A call to Miss
Templeton's number
at 5:42 on the
afternoon of the murder.
It lasted for four minutes.
Wait a minute.
Kate Kelley was already
dead in the basement by then.
But Joe Gelardi wasn't.
Now, Miss Templeton
lives in Daly City,
a good 30 minutes from the club.
There was no way that she
could have been in the alley at 5:30,
to observe Woody leaving,
if she was taking a phone
call from Joe Gelardi at 5:45.
That's right.
The question is, what
did they talk about?
And the answer
that springs to mind
is the framing of Woody
Perkins for murder.
DENNIS: In memory of Kate,
Gelardi made a touching gesture.
He closed down the
club for three days,
and hired Sally
Templeton as the headliner.
Inside, he was
auditioning new acts.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(MAN SCATTING)
So I went away to school, and I
got a degree in electrical engineering,
see, and so I... Thanks, Elmo.
(STUTTERING) I came back to
the reservation, I said, "Father...
a lone cowboy's out
there on the lone prairie,
and there was one guy, I mean,
they call it the lone prairie, you know.
He had a harmonica.
And he walks
into this little bar...
Oh, hi, Mr. Benzinger.
Elmo, hi. I got to talk to Joe.
I don't know. He's
having auditions right now.
It's real important.
Yeah, sure. I'll tell
him you're here.
You don't like cowboy jokes? I don't
like 'em either. I hate cowboy jokes.
Yuck, phooey, you
know? But how about...
Mr. Benzinger's here.
You know, my father was a chief.
Yeah, in the Indian...
What do you say, Tom?
How's it going? Pretty good.
One day, down on the corner
and he was standing there...
They may be letting
Woody out tonight.
And when a girl would
walk by, he'd go...
What do you mean, letting
Woody out? You mean bail?
Well, the cops aren't
so sure he did it.
What do you mean, the cop...
Hey, thanks a lot!
That's terrific. Thanks.
But I haven't finished, sir.
You're finished.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
What do you mean, the
cops are not so sure he did it?
Hey, I saw him leaving here.
Well, all I know is that
insurance guy, Stanton,
he came up with something.
Don't ask me what.
Look, that's not
the reason I'm here.
I need Woody's trunk.
So take it. Well,
it's in the basement.
Oh. Well, you're out of luck.
The cops sealed that place
up a couple of days ago.
You sure it's not in
the dressing room?
Sure, I'm sure. Stanton says that
he saw it down there yesterday.
Yesterday?
What was Stanton doing down
in the basement yesterday?
Hell if I know, Joe. But come
on, we really need this trunk.
If Woody gets out, we
still have a good chance
at that gig in
Vegas with DiMarco.
(STUTTERING) Hey, hey, look,
I'm telling you, I can't help you.
If you want to go
down to the basement,
you got to talk to
the cops, okay?
Come on, Joe... That's it.
I got to go to work, okay? Elmo,
will you please help him out?
Come on, Mr. Benzinger.
We don't want any trouble.
Thanks, Joe. Thanks a lot.
What was that all about?
And what did he mean, "Stanton
came up with something"?
And what was Stanton doing
in the basement yesterday?
Look, take a few of these guys.
I'll be back in about
10 minutes, okay?
Oh, look, don't send anybody
backstage for a while, huh?
(GROANS)
Leo Manheim?
(LEO CHATTERING)
DENNIS: Mr. Gelardi.
Good evening, Mr. Gelardi.
I knew your curiosity
would get the better of you.
Stanton.
How'd you get down here?
More to the point, how did you?
Probably with that key
tucked in your pocket.
Kate Kelley's key, which you
took from her when you killed her.
You used it to lock the door, and then
waited for her body to be discovered.
(CHUCKLING)
You're crazy, you
know that? You're crazy.
Later, when you spotted Woody
running away, everything fell into place.
The perfect frame.
Oh, why must everything
be reduced to violence?
You're a jerk, Stanton, you
know that? You're a real jerk.
I'm not the one facing
a murder charge.
Funny. That's very...
That's very funny.
That's funnier than some of the bozos
we have up on stage there, you know?
Tell me, was it premeditated,
or did it just happen?
The truth?
Just kind of spur of the moment.
Kate was down here
rummaging through everything.
She stumbles on the
dummy in the wardrobe trunk,
and she starts tearing
me apart, again,
like it was my fault.
And all of a sudden, she
starts ranting and raving
about how she was gonna fix it
so Perkins never worked
again anywhere, ever.
She was actually gonna do
to Woody what she did to Sally,
and, you know, Sally, that's...
(JOE SIGHING)
All of a sudden, that's all I
could think about, me and Sally,
me and Sally, and
how it used to be
before Kate had her
blackballed all over town.
The hammer was just sitting
on the end of the table over there.
Kate turned her back...
End of story.
And a gruesome one, at that.
Speaking of end of stories,
why don't you turn around, huh?
Oh, not another body
in the basement, Joe.
Even Lieutenant
Catalano won't wear that.
No, no, no, no, we're gonna
walk up the stairs
nice and slow and easy,
(STUTTERING) and you and I
are gonna take a ride out of town,
just the two of us. Come on.
If you insist.
I insist.
I suppose I could
use the night air.
You'll get some.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Just keep moving.
Is this where I'm supposed to
say you won't get away with it?
Very funny. Go on,
through that door.
Let's go out front,
through the people.
Make it a sporting proposition.
Open that door.
I wouldn't go out
there, if I were you.
Wonderful. Come on.
No, that door.
Please, Joe, Joe. Let's
not go through this door.
Look, you either move,
or you don't move.
I move. Move. Okay.
Go on. You drive.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Freeze! Police! Don't
say I didn't warn you.
Drop your weapon!
(GRUNTS)
I don't know how
you do it, Stanton.
Dumb luck, Lieutenant,
pure and simple.
Tom, did you get it all?
Every word.
Ah-ha.
Get him out of here.
Okay, okay.
BILLY BOY: Where's that cute
little number with my hot chocolate?
Hey, Rhoda.
Keep your pants on, shorty.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Billy, mind your manners.
Elwood, I like this babe.
Hey, honey, how would you
like to get into the show biz?
We've got a spot
open in our act.
Why, is Brenda gone for good?
Yes, well, when she heard
that Woody had been released,
she did drop by the apartment.
Yeah, Elwood here
told her to get lost.
Didn't you, Elwood?
Well, speak up, speak up!
I'm supposed to be the
dummy in this routine.
Guess I just realized
what a jerk I'd been.
About Brenda, I mean.
All I can say is, thanks.
Delighted to be of help.
We've got a plane to
catch. Come on, you guys.
Thanks again, Mr. Stanton.
Good luck in Vegas, all of you.
Hey, Rhoda, you sure you don't
want to come to Vegas with us, honey?
Get out of here!
Before I turn you into a
stack of wooden nickels.
Hey, that's funny.
Tom, we got to put
this babe in the act.
BILLY BOY: Hey, fellas, wait up!
I'm telling you, she's great!
Rhoda, take a memo.
Yes, sir. To Robert Butler.
Robert, as you are aware
the vindication of Elwood
Perkins in the Kate Kelley homicide
has saved this company $50,000.
Your memo,
congratulating Miss Markowitz and
myself for our role in this endeavor,
somehow seems to have
got lost in the inter-office mails.
As to Miss Markowitz,
don't you think it's about
time you and I chatted
about enrolling her in the
company training program?
was a dead-broke nobody.
He owes me. And if he
walks, I'll sue his butt off.
I want my Billy Boy
back, safe and unharmed!
That's what I want from you!
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote.
You think people are just trash.
You think you can
just ruin their lives!
Whoever bashed in that
lady's head plays rough,
so stay out of my
way on this one.
You walk away from this, and
I'm out of here. You understand?
Just as I thought.
You got something?
Conspiracy, perjury, and murder.
DENNIS: It's me.
JESSICA: It's not you.
But of course it is.
Damian Sinclair is dashing,
intelligent, witty, compassionate.
All my best traits.
What I take issue with
is this tailless dummy some
hack illustrator's come up with.
Really, now I look
like an aging gigolo.
Well, yes, there may be
one or two minor similarities...
Minor? Is that
what you call them?
The man is a
reformed jewel thief,
who works as an investigator
for an insurance company.
All right, all right, I admit you
may have inspired the character.
Ah-ha.
But the resemblance
stops right there.
Well, too bad, because if
you'd kept closer to the original
this narration would not be such a
hodgepodge of far-fetched relationships
and melodramatic plot twists.
Really?
Not that I didn't enjoy them.
But I could tell you stories.
In fact, I think I will. Did I
ever tell you about Billy Boy?
No, but I think
that you're about to,
in which case, I'd
like some more tea.
Oh, allow me, allow me.
Billy Boy, now that was a
fascinating little character.
Two feet tall,
the disposition of a lemon
and the manners of an iguana.
Oh.
It all started, let me
see, last September,
at a popular night spot known
as Kate Kelley's Comedy Club.
WOODY: Don't
encourage him, please.
Billy, what'd you
study in school today?
Miss Schumacher.
I didn't ask you the
name of your teacher,
I asked you what you studied.
I heard the question, Elwood.
And what did you learn?
You mean, besides her
home phone number?
Billy, you don't understand.
I want you to share with
us what you learned today.
Sure, Elwood. 2-1-6,
that's the area code.
That'll be your half.
Honestly, I don't...
I don't have the slightest
interest in Miss Schumacher.
Good. That's all I need.
A wet blanket like you,
horning in on my action.
Nice crowd tonight, huh?
Yeah.
They sure like Woody
and Billy Boy, Miss Kelley.
WOODY: Consider the
differences in your ages,
and your experience.
What she doesn't
know, I'll teach her.
Cha-cha-cha!
Honest, folks, I didn't come
up with this dumb routine.
Hey, you want to
see his lips move?
Ask me what he
had for dinner tonight.
Hey, Billy!
(MEN CATCALLING)
What'd he have
for dinner tonight?
Hey, Elwood, what do you
know, a straight man with curves!
Okay, sweetheart, I'll
tell you what we had...
Ahem, Italian food.
Well, what kind of Italian food?
We had linguini.
Ow!
Mounds and mounds of Mamma
Mia's macaroni and meatballs!
You want to try that again?
Mounds and mounds of Mamma
Mia's macaroni and meatballs.
He's got it! I
think he's got it!
Hey, how about
that, huh? Terrific!
Woody Perkins and Billy Boy!
I told you he was
something else, huh?
Woody, yeah! Having a good time?
Well, that concludes
the first show...
TOM: Woody!
Woody, that was great!
You killed them out there!
Yeah? Then how come
they're still breathing?
Maybe I just
wounded them a little.
Funny.
If this guy's so funny
how come I'm still stuck in this
rundown flea trap for short money?
Because you've got
a contract, that's why.
Uh-oh, the Bride of Dracula.
Don't look at me, honey.
All I got is termites.
Oh, stop that, Woody.
Right now I want to talk to you,
not your dummy, you understand?
Sure, Kate.
I've got a pile of reservations
for the midnight show.
I need you to do another set.
Oh, come on, Kate,
he's already done eight
performances this weekend.
Can I help it if San
Francisco loves this guy?
Listen, Brunhilde,
you never heard of the
Emancipation Proclamation?
There's a limit to how
much you can do...
Listen, Woody,
I've told you before,
stop letting your dummy
do your talking for you.
That goes for your
other dummy, too.
BILLY BOY: Let me give her
a splinter, just one little splinter.
Forget it, Billy.
Hey, Woody, we were
terrific tonight, weren't we?
Hey, cutie-face,
watch the threads!
Who wants dinner?
Not tonight, Brenda. Kate
wants us to do another set.
You're kidding.
Woody. Thanks, Tom.
I guess they really
liked us, huh, Woody?
Looks that way.
How was I tonight?
Wonderful.
'Cause I was thinking, Woody,
I think it would help the
act if I went up on the stage.
You know, like I was
part of the routine.
Brenda, it's working
fine just the way it is.
I got two lousy lines, like I
was some tourist from Kokomo!
Is that the way it's gonna be
for the rest of my life, Woody?
No, honey.
It's just that Billy and I
have been working together...
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Woody Perkins.
Hey, there he is!
All right, Woody! Hell of a
show tonight, man. I loved it.
I'm Vic DiMarco.
Vic DiMarco? Yeah.
The Vic DiMarco?
Mr. DiMarco, Tom
Benzinger. Hey, Tom.
I'm Woody's manager.
This is Brenda.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Now, Woody, look, I'm booked
into Vegas for the next two months,
starting a week from Tuesday.
Now to tell you the truth,
I came down here tonight
hoping to find a
new opening act.
And you know what?
I think maybe it's you.
Me? Yeah.
Oh! Gee, I don't know.
He doesn't know what to say. But
whatever you want, we can work it out.
Well, good. My manager's
right out in the hall.
What do you say we talk
about this thing over a drink?
Absolutely.
WOODY: Tom.
You know, we talked about
putting together some new material,
and maybe working
some of the kinks out.
And I'm not really sure...
If you left it up to Woody he'd still
be working kids' birthday parties.
Relax, Woody.
We'll take care of it.
Come on, let's talk.
Are you out of your mind? Vegas!
And you want to screw it up?
No, honey. I just don't feel...
No, Woody.
You talk to me, not
the dummy. You.
(STUTTERING) I just don't
think we're ready. Billy and I.
And me. And you.
Sure, Brenda, you, too.
Listen, Woody,
you walk away from
this, and I'm out of here.
You understand?
I love you, baby, and
I want to be with you.
It's just that when the chance
comes, you got to take it.
Not just for yourself,
but for the both of us.
Woody.
I want you to do this, Woody.
Please, baby.
Sure, Brenda.
You want to go to
Las Vegas, we'll go.
Do you have a hearing problem?
I said no.
Come on, Kate,
eight weeks in Vegas.
Do you realize what
this could do for Woody?
Listen, your pal has a
job right here with me
for the next seven months.
Check your contract.
This kind of place is supposed
to be a stepping stone for him.
Listen, Benzinger.
I took Woody in when he
was a dead-broke nobody.
I gave him a chance. He owes me.
And if he walks,
I'll sue his butt off.
You just try it.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Hey, don't you think you're
a little rough on the kids?
It's business, Joe.
Woody and that dummy
bring in the audiences.
I can milk that act for
the next seven months,
and that's just
what I intend to do.
I hear you. I hear you.
It's just that when...
Oh, please, Joe.
Leave business to me.
Kate, I know you're
smarter than me,
Kate, but I'm still
your partner, and...
A junior partner.
Any time you want to sell
your end, it's just fine with me.
Funny, you didn't
sound like that
when you needed the
bread to open the place, huh?
It's the best investment
you ever made.
Katie, Katie, Katie,
something's happened to you.
I don't know what.
Something.
Well, it's really kind
of sad, you know.
DENNIS: Really, Robert, I
do think you're overreacting.
ROBERT: Twin midgets?
You spent $3,000
to hire twin midgets?
And weren't we
lucky to find them?
I mean, without them we
would never have found
the Turkish Consul's missing
wife along with her jewelry,
I might add.
The cost of doing business.
With everyone else, the cost
of doing business in this office
is 25 cents a mile, bridge
tolls, telephone charges...
Sorry. I thought you
were looking for results.
You're out to get me, right?
Nonsense, Robert.
I don't know what I'd do without your
cheery presence to brighten my every day.
Hear me good on this, Stanton.
If another one of these
vouchers comes across my desk,
you are out on the
street without a job.
You know what that means?
That means that the courts might
consider it a violation of your probation.
They might even consider
putting you behind bars
which, incidentally,
is where you belong.
And here I thought we
were getting along so well.
Oh, no.
You may have
fooled them upstairs,
but not me, buddy
boy. Not me. Okay?
Now, I have a case for you.
Oh, excellent. I've been bored
silly for the past two weeks.
Mmm. Well, don't
get your hopes up.
This is not a mole hill you
can make a mountain out of.
This has nothing to
do with fancy jewelry,
missing heirs,
or visiting royalty.
This has to do with the other
end of the social spectrum.
Show business.
Oh! Well, I have a special
passion for the theater.
What seems to be the problem?
Well, the insured has
reported a missing dummy,
and right away I thought of you.
Oh.
JOE: Say, buddy.
Excuse me, the place
doesn't open till 6:00.
Oh! Well, I'm looking
for Elwood Perkins.
Elwood... Hmm, insurance, huh?
KATE: You get out of here,
before I have you thrown out!
Oh.
Listen, Kate, you're
not God, you know!
Around here, I'm
the next best thing.
For two years! For two
years I kept this place going.
I was your headliner.
KATE: That's ancient history.
You owe me!
I owe you nothing. Look at you.
You've got the shakes so
bad you can hardly stand up.
Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?
Miss Templeton
burst into my office.
She's looking for
her old job back.
Show her the door, Joe.
Show her the door!
Kate, come on. Let me go, Joe!
You think people are just trash.
You think you can
just ruin their lives!
Well, not me, Kate, not me.
I'm coming back. You'll
see, I am coming back!
(KATE CHUCKLING)
Kate, you never should
have talked to her that way.
She's a lush.
No, no! She's
straightened herself out.
Listen, I have no time
for your ex-girlfriends.
If you want to sleep with
her, that's your business.
But my business
is running this club.
I book the acts
around here, not you.
And who are you?
Miss Kelley, I presume?
My name is Dennis Stanton.
I'm looking for Elwood Perkins.
What for? Well, he's a client.
Oh, a lawyer. I see.
Oh, no, Well, listen, friend.
I told Woody, and
I'll tell you. No, no, I...
That contract is tighter
than a five-and-dime girdle.
You are wasting your time.
Hold it, time out. He's from
the insurance company.
Yes. Oh, I see.
That's different. You'll find
Woody in his dressing room.
It's down there to
the left. Thank you.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Pardon me. Mr. Perkins?
Yes?
Dennis Stanton,
Consolidated Casualty.
You reported the
theft of a dummy.
Billy Boy wasn't stolen,
Mr. Stanton. He was kidnapped.
Oh.
Does that mean he's
being held for ransom?
I don't know. I haven't
been contacted yet.
Oh, well, of course.
If there's any chance
that he may be returned,
the company will
cooperate in any way.
Short of that, your policy calls for
$10,000 casualty reimbursement.
You can't just pay
me for Billy Boy.
I want him back.
Of course. But realistically
speaking, that just may not be possible.
Tom has someone working on a
new model, but I just won't do it.
I will not work
with an imposter.
No, Mr. Stanton, I
don't want your money.
I want my Billy Boy
back, safe and unharmed!
That's what I want from you!
Sorry, Tom. You were saying?
It was the following morning.
I had an appointment with
Vic DiMarco and his manager.
Brenda wanted to go with
me, but Woody begged off.
He wanted to rehearse a
new routine with Billy Boy,
so we dropped him
off here at the club.
And what time was that?
Around 9:30.
We'd just arrived at
DiMarco's hotel room,
when we got this
frantic call from Woody.
Someone had broken into the
dressing room here, and stolen Billy Boy.
Yes, the door seems to have
been forced by something.
Was that when he
notified the police?
He called them as soon
as he hung up from me.
They sent some people over, and they
made a quick search, but that was about it.
But after they left,
Woody and Brenda and I went
over this place from basement to attic.
There was nothing.
Mr. Perkins seems to
be taking it very badly.
Almost as if he'd lost a child.
He has.
Look, I've known
Woody since high school.
I've been his
friend, his manager,
his spiritual advisor,
his Dutch uncle.
But compared to Billy
Boy, I'm a stranger.
He tells me you've commissioned
someone to build a new dummy.
Yes, the new Billy Boy
will be ready on Friday,
just in time for that Vegas
engagement with DiMarco.
Which is why we really
need that check, Mr. Stanton.
But Mr. Perkins doesn't want
a check, he wants the original.
Yes, I know.
Look, I don't know who
stole Billy Boy or why,
but the worst scenario is the little
guy's at the bottom of the bay by now.
It's been three days.
If he'd been taken for ransom, I think
we would have heard something by now.
Yes, yes, you're probably right.
Well, thank you, Mr. Benzinger.
You've been very helpful.
I'm going to look around a bit
more, and if everything's satisfactory
you should have your
check in a couple of days.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Okay, that's great.
Sure, no problem.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Kreuger.
Hey, Woody, isn't it terrific?
Mr. Kreuger says that we'll be
able to pick up Billy Boy on Friday.
It isn't Billy Boy.
Look, Woody, Mr. Kreuger says
that you will not be
able to tell the difference.
What does he know?
All he's making is a dummy.
Look, I know how you feel.
Really, I do. I mean...
It's kind of like losing a
pet. A dog, or something.
I mean, just because
you get a new one to love
doesn't mean you love
the old one any less.
Oh, come on, you'll see.
After we get to Vegas, and you've
done the show a couple of times
it'll just be like always.
I promise you that, baby.
Brenda, I'm scared.
Kate's Club, it's
been like home to me.
It's the first place they
really like Billy and me.
When I'm up on
that stage, I feel safe.
But Vegas, everything's so big.
I don't know, it scares me.
But Vegas will be great.
Look, people are
the same everywhere,
and they're gonna
love you there.
And I'm gonna be there with you.
You want that, don't you, Woody?
You want me there
with you, don't you?
Huh?
Sure.
Then you just listen
to me, and to Tom,
and there'll be
nothing to be afraid of.
Not Kate, not
Vegas, not anything.
DENNIS: Rhoda, dear,
what are you doing here?
Me? It's almost 7:30.
I thought you had a date
with what's-her-name,
the redhead with the nose job.
Oh, Angela Devereaux.
No, I'm afraid that all
came to an abrupt end.
She ditched you, huh?
Mmm-hmm. I'm afraid so.
For the past several weeks,
the lady's conversation has been
peppered with references to matrimony.
Since I'm far too set in my ways to
share my toothpaste with anyone,
I told her to set her
cap for someone else.
Now, what about you?
Those files would have
waited until tomorrow.
What's happened to Myron?
We had a fight.
His mother thinks I'm
some kind of genetic inferior.
She wants him to marry
a lady doctor or a dentist.
I'm not good breeding
stock for her grandchildren.
She told you that?
She told Myron.
I mean, not in so many
words, but I got the hint.
So I told Myron
what I thought of him
and his mother, and
that's why I'm here.
I don't want to be home
when he comes looking for me.
I want him to think I've got some
kind of a life that doesn't include him.
Which of course I don't.
Not right now.
Oh, now, there, there.
No tears, no tears.
What I think you
need is a good dinner.
I hate eating alone
'cause people stare at you.
Alone? Now, who said anything
about alone? I wouldn't hear of it.
I've still got my
reservation at Gamberelli's.
I mean, if you wouldn't mind
sharing a fettuccine Alfredo?
You're kidding.
Well, I realize I may
be taken for your father.
Well, your uncle,
anyway, youngish uncle.
You're just feeling
sorry for me.
Oh, Rhoda, darling, I'm
the one that's being stood up.
I really would
be very flattered.
Well, sure.
Fine.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Ah, now that could be Myron.
I'll tell him you're
off to Sausalito,
sharing pizza with a
linebacker from the 49ers.
Dennis Stanton. Can I help you?
BILLY BOY ON PHONE: Hey, Denny.
How are you, guy? You know who this is?
No, I'm afraid not.
It's me, Billy Boy.
Elwood says you're
looking for me.
Billy? Yes, he's very
worried about you.
He ought to be.
Without me, the guy's about
as sharp as a glob of Jell-O.
Where are you?
At the club, in the basement.
In one of the wardrobe trunks.
So, Denny, do me a favor, huh?
Get me out of here!
(DIAL TONE HUMMING)
What is it?
Dinner's off, I'm afraid.
Yeah, sure. That's okay.
Because you and I have
got a claim to investigate.
Me? And since Mr. Butler
hasn't seen fit to enroll you
for the company program,
it's time you had some
on-the-job training.
Get your purse.
I don't get it. What makes you
think the dummy's in the basement?
Well, let's call
it a wild hunch.
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
What the heck's going on?
This door's never locked.
Do you have a key?
Me? No, no.
Kate's got the only one,
and she's not here yet.
Which is also kind of weird,
now that I think about it.
I wonder where the heck she is.
Well, I guess you're
out of luck, huh?
Not necessarily.
(CHUCKLING) Excuse
me. Do you mind?
Oh, Kate's not gonna
be in love with that.
I'll take the responsibility.
DENNIS: Right.
Now we have to find
some wardrobe trunks.
Wardrobe trunks, it's
over in the corner there.
I'm telling you, they went over
the whole place from top to bottom.
Yes, I'm sure they did.
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
(CHUCKLES)
I thought somebody
searched the place.
Mmm-hmm.
Probably Woody Perkins, himself.
Dennis.
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Doc.
Now, let me get this straight.
You knew you'd find a missing
dummy here on a hunch?
No, Lieutenant, it
was a telephone tip.
From who?
The voice was unfamiliar.
Strange-sounding.
Disguised.
You might say that.
Hey, get that stretcher
down here, come on!
Let's go, guys, stay with us.
Stanton.
You know, the last
guy I expected to see
at a grungy dive like this
is you. So what's the scam?
There is no scam.
Don't make me laugh.
Are you slumming?
What're we talking about
here, jewels, paintings?
Believe me, my only
involvement is Billy Boy.
Yeah, what's his last
name? Rockefeller?
Now, listen, you ain't
on Nob Hill now, sport.
Whoever bashed in that
lady's head plays rough,
so stay out of my
way on this one.
If you get hurt, I
got to write you up.
I found it in the
Rolodex on her desk.
Stay here and keep an
eye on the Lieutenant.
If anything happens, you
know where to reach me.
Dennis, look,
strictly speaking, we
got the doll back, right?
The rest of this, it's really
none of our business, is it?
About an hour ago, I
received a phone call
from a frightened,
unhappy little man
and it sounded very
much like a cry for help.
Brenda, you can't just
walk out on the guy.
Watch me.
This'll kill him. You know that.
Well, the guy's a loser.
I've got better things to
do with the rest of my life.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mr. Stanton. Sorry to intrude.
I'm looking for Woody.
Well, he's not here.
Well, that's unfortunate.
Have you any idea where he is?
No. But, Mr. Stanton,
this is not a good time.
Ah, you must be Miss McCoy.
Dennis Stanton. Delighted to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Sorry I
can't stick around for a chat.
Are you going somewhere?
Yep. Anywhere.
We just found out that Vic DiMarco
has signed a new act for Vegas.
Yes, he told good old Woody
boy early this afternoon,
only Woody forgot to tell us.
So long, Tom. I'd like
to say it's been fun,
but if you need to get in
touch with me, don't bother.
Miss McCoy, I don't
think you should leave.
The police may
want to chat with you.
The police? What for?
About an hour ago we found Kate
Kelley's body in the club basement.
Someone had caved her
head in with a hammer.
Kate's dead?
And you think Woody had
something to do with this?
At the moment, I don't
know what to think.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Yes, he's here.
It's for you.
Yes?
Yes, Rhoda.
(SIGHS)
Yes, I see.
All right, you go home.
I'll deal with
Lieutenant Catalano.
The police have picked up Woody.
They're holding him for murder.
I got the guy sneaking out
the back door of the club
a couple of hours before
you discovered the body.
And, by the way, I want to talk to
you about that handy-dandy tool kit
you've got tucked
into your umbrella.
When you say "got the guy,"
what does that mean exactly?
An eyewitness who saw him
skulking away from the premises
dripping with blood?
Eyewitness? You bet.
And I don't recall
asking you into my office,
so good night, Mr. Stanton.
Oh, now, Perry. I am officially
involved in this case, you know.
No, you're involved
with a missing dummy.
Murder's out of your league.
Oh, and by the way,
if you're thinking of claiming
Billy Boy, you better think again,
because he's evidence.
Of what? Motive.
This case is dead-bang, Stanton.
The lady steals the guy's dummy
to keep him from
taking a hike to Vegas.
Now, he catches
her doing it, and then
slugs her with a
ball-peen hammer.
And leaves without
taking Billy Boy with him?
Perry, shame on you.
You want me to
spell it out for you?
There's a lady named Sally
Templeton, used to perform at the club.
Yes, I believe I ran into her.
All right, she's out back
when Woody Perkins
comes out the back door,
runs down the alley,
and disappears.
Now, I've got means,
motive, and opportunity.
They don't come
any neater than this.
And what does Woody say?
Nothing. He doesn't
even want a lawyer.
Public defender was with
him for over half an hour,
and he wouldn't
even open his mouth.
I don't suppose you'd
let me have a try at him?
Why would you
think he'd talk to you?
He might.
With a little help
from a friend.
Good evening, Woody.
I know it's late,
but I brought a friend
to keep you company.
There.
So, tell me.
How did you get
yourself into this mess?
You know, they've got a witness
who saw you running away
just before Miss Kelley's
body was discovered.
You've got to be kidding.
This guy kill somebody?
He goes into trauma if he
accidentally steps on a cockroach.
I see.
A believer in the
sanctity of life.
Nah. Just chicken.
Tell me, Billy, how did you
end up in that wardrobe trunk?
How else?
Elwood stuck me there.
Really?
This guy's a real loser, Denny.
The Vegas gig,
he was so scared, he was getting
goose bumps on his toenails.
So he figures, "Wait a minute,
"suppose I make them think
somebody stole Billy Boy?
"I mean, he's the funny one."
And you sure
got that right, pal.
Without Billy Boy, the Italian
troubadour's got to find himself a new act.
So what does Elwood do?
He takes me into the
basement, hides me in a trunk,
the next day he tells
everybody I've been kidnapped.
Naturally, the cops
show up to look around,
for maybe five minutes, because
on a list of their top 10 priorities
I come in around 59th.
And then when the others
started to search more thoroughly
Woody volunteered
to cover the basement.
You got the picture.
But things changed, didn't they?
Woody got a phone
call from Vic DiMarco,
canceling the Vegas engagement.
Right on, Denny.
No need to keep me stashed away,
so he came back
tonight to get me.
Only guess what. The
basement door was locked.
So what does Mr. Macho do?
He runs like hell, and he
calls you to come and get me,
'cause he knows
he can't do it himself.
DENNIS ON TAPE: When he ran into
the alley, did he see Sally Templeton?
BILLY BOY: He didn't see nobody.
He was just moving.
That's it?
You want me to
take that to the DA.
The guy can't
even talk for himself.
But he did talk,
Perry. In his own way.
Oh, and he's gonna look
great on the witness stand
sitting there playing straight
man to a dummy in his lap.
Tell me, is the little guy gonna sit
on his lap in the gas chamber, too?
Who's got the key?
What?
The key to the basement.
Kate Kelley had the only
one, according to Joe Gelardi.
Now it's in the
possession of the killer,
since the killer locked
the door on the way out.
Good night, Mr. Stanton.
Does that mean that when you picked
up Woody loitering outside the club
working up the nerve to come
inside, that you did not find the key?
Have a nice
evening, Mr. Stanton.
If I ever need any
help in the future,
I'll be sure to
call on you first.
Phew!
Key?
Well, good morning, Mr. Butler.
Good morning, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Butler.
Good morning, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Butler.
Really?
"Dunderheaded
king of the noodles."
Good morning, Mr. Stanton! Oh.
Oh, nice of you
to drop by today.
I'm not interrupting
your reading, am I?
I know this book so well, I could
almost recite it from memory.
Well, that's nice.
Uh... What about Elwood Perkins?
Oh, there's no need to
congratulate me, Robert.
The case practically
solved itself.
Well, now that the item's been
recovered, your interest is over.
Of course.
Oh, really? Really?
Well, then, could
you tell me why
you're having Security do background
checks on a Katherine Kelley,
a Joseph P. Gelardi, a Brenda
McCoy, and a Thomas Benzinger?
Well, you see, there are
one or two loose ends.
For instance, our
insured is in county jail,
facing a charge of
first degree murder.
None of our business.
But of course it is.
What's our motto?
"A friend in need
to a friend in..."
No, "A friend indeed..."
Oh, something like that.
The man insured a dummy.
The dummy has been
recovered. The case is closed.
What does it profit a company to
gain $10,000 and to end up losing 50?
Exac... What?
I cross-checked Elwood
Perkins for additional policies.
It seems the gentleman's mother
took out a $50,000 life insurance
policy when he was a lad of 10.
Now, Robert, unless
someone rescues Mr. Perkins
from this grave
miscarriage of justice,
an innocent man's
journey to the gas chamber
could cost this
company very dearly.
Now, wait a
minute, this isn't...
I know that I have your
blessing to continue.
(WHISPERING) And I'm sure
Mr. Keating will be very pleased.
Dennis. Oh, excuse me.
I have those phone
records that you wanted.
Ah, my phone bill.
(CHUCKLING)
Trust these computers
to bollix things up.
I shall only be on this another
day or two. Promise, Robert.
And thank you for all your
understanding and support.
Rhoda, to work!
Narrow of mind,
and small of spirit.
Now, what do we have?
Those are all the phone
numbers that were called
from Kate Kelley's office
over the past couple of weeks.
I was able to
identify most of them.
And Miss Sally Templeton?
That's her number right there.
There were nine different calls.
Why would Kate Kelley
be calling Sally Templeton?
I thought she hated her.
Ah, here we are.
Just as I thought.
You got something?
Conspiracy, perjury,
and murder. Take a look.
A call to Miss
Templeton's number
at 5:42 on the
afternoon of the murder.
It lasted for four minutes.
Wait a minute.
Kate Kelley was already
dead in the basement by then.
But Joe Gelardi wasn't.
Now, Miss Templeton
lives in Daly City,
a good 30 minutes from the club.
There was no way that she
could have been in the alley at 5:30,
to observe Woody leaving,
if she was taking a phone
call from Joe Gelardi at 5:45.
That's right.
The question is, what
did they talk about?
And the answer
that springs to mind
is the framing of Woody
Perkins for murder.
DENNIS: In memory of Kate,
Gelardi made a touching gesture.
He closed down the
club for three days,
and hired Sally
Templeton as the headliner.
Inside, he was
auditioning new acts.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(MAN SCATTING)
So I went away to school, and I
got a degree in electrical engineering,
see, and so I... Thanks, Elmo.
(STUTTERING) I came back to
the reservation, I said, "Father...
a lone cowboy's out
there on the lone prairie,
and there was one guy, I mean,
they call it the lone prairie, you know.
He had a harmonica.
And he walks
into this little bar...
Oh, hi, Mr. Benzinger.
Elmo, hi. I got to talk to Joe.
I don't know. He's
having auditions right now.
It's real important.
Yeah, sure. I'll tell
him you're here.
You don't like cowboy jokes? I don't
like 'em either. I hate cowboy jokes.
Yuck, phooey, you
know? But how about...
Mr. Benzinger's here.
You know, my father was a chief.
Yeah, in the Indian...
What do you say, Tom?
How's it going? Pretty good.
One day, down on the corner
and he was standing there...
They may be letting
Woody out tonight.
And when a girl would
walk by, he'd go...
What do you mean, letting
Woody out? You mean bail?
Well, the cops aren't
so sure he did it.
What do you mean, the cop...
Hey, thanks a lot!
That's terrific. Thanks.
But I haven't finished, sir.
You're finished.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
What do you mean, the
cops are not so sure he did it?
Hey, I saw him leaving here.
Well, all I know is that
insurance guy, Stanton,
he came up with something.
Don't ask me what.
Look, that's not
the reason I'm here.
I need Woody's trunk.
So take it. Well,
it's in the basement.
Oh. Well, you're out of luck.
The cops sealed that place
up a couple of days ago.
You sure it's not in
the dressing room?
Sure, I'm sure. Stanton says that
he saw it down there yesterday.
Yesterday?
What was Stanton doing down
in the basement yesterday?
Hell if I know, Joe. But come
on, we really need this trunk.
If Woody gets out, we
still have a good chance
at that gig in
Vegas with DiMarco.
(STUTTERING) Hey, hey, look,
I'm telling you, I can't help you.
If you want to go
down to the basement,
you got to talk to
the cops, okay?
Come on, Joe... That's it.
I got to go to work, okay? Elmo,
will you please help him out?
Come on, Mr. Benzinger.
We don't want any trouble.
Thanks, Joe. Thanks a lot.
What was that all about?
And what did he mean, "Stanton
came up with something"?
And what was Stanton doing
in the basement yesterday?
Look, take a few of these guys.
I'll be back in about
10 minutes, okay?
Oh, look, don't send anybody
backstage for a while, huh?
(GROANS)
Leo Manheim?
(LEO CHATTERING)
DENNIS: Mr. Gelardi.
Good evening, Mr. Gelardi.
I knew your curiosity
would get the better of you.
Stanton.
How'd you get down here?
More to the point, how did you?
Probably with that key
tucked in your pocket.
Kate Kelley's key, which you
took from her when you killed her.
You used it to lock the door, and then
waited for her body to be discovered.
(CHUCKLING)
You're crazy, you
know that? You're crazy.
Later, when you spotted Woody
running away, everything fell into place.
The perfect frame.
Oh, why must everything
be reduced to violence?
You're a jerk, Stanton, you
know that? You're a real jerk.
I'm not the one facing
a murder charge.
Funny. That's very...
That's very funny.
That's funnier than some of the bozos
we have up on stage there, you know?
Tell me, was it premeditated,
or did it just happen?
The truth?
Just kind of spur of the moment.
Kate was down here
rummaging through everything.
She stumbles on the
dummy in the wardrobe trunk,
and she starts tearing
me apart, again,
like it was my fault.
And all of a sudden, she
starts ranting and raving
about how she was gonna fix it
so Perkins never worked
again anywhere, ever.
She was actually gonna do
to Woody what she did to Sally,
and, you know, Sally, that's...
(JOE SIGHING)
All of a sudden, that's all I
could think about, me and Sally,
me and Sally, and
how it used to be
before Kate had her
blackballed all over town.
The hammer was just sitting
on the end of the table over there.
Kate turned her back...
End of story.
And a gruesome one, at that.
Speaking of end of stories,
why don't you turn around, huh?
Oh, not another body
in the basement, Joe.
Even Lieutenant
Catalano won't wear that.
No, no, no, no, we're gonna
walk up the stairs
nice and slow and easy,
(STUTTERING) and you and I
are gonna take a ride out of town,
just the two of us. Come on.
If you insist.
I insist.
I suppose I could
use the night air.
You'll get some.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Just keep moving.
Is this where I'm supposed to
say you won't get away with it?
Very funny. Go on,
through that door.
Let's go out front,
through the people.
Make it a sporting proposition.
Open that door.
I wouldn't go out
there, if I were you.
Wonderful. Come on.
No, that door.
Please, Joe, Joe. Let's
not go through this door.
Look, you either move,
or you don't move.
I move. Move. Okay.
Go on. You drive.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Freeze! Police! Don't
say I didn't warn you.
Drop your weapon!
(GRUNTS)
I don't know how
you do it, Stanton.
Dumb luck, Lieutenant,
pure and simple.
Tom, did you get it all?
Every word.
Ah-ha.
Get him out of here.
Okay, okay.
BILLY BOY: Where's that cute
little number with my hot chocolate?
Hey, Rhoda.
Keep your pants on, shorty.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Billy, mind your manners.
Elwood, I like this babe.
Hey, honey, how would you
like to get into the show biz?
We've got a spot
open in our act.
Why, is Brenda gone for good?
Yes, well, when she heard
that Woody had been released,
she did drop by the apartment.
Yeah, Elwood here
told her to get lost.
Didn't you, Elwood?
Well, speak up, speak up!
I'm supposed to be the
dummy in this routine.
Guess I just realized
what a jerk I'd been.
About Brenda, I mean.
All I can say is, thanks.
Delighted to be of help.
We've got a plane to
catch. Come on, you guys.
Thanks again, Mr. Stanton.
Good luck in Vegas, all of you.
Hey, Rhoda, you sure you don't
want to come to Vegas with us, honey?
Get out of here!
Before I turn you into a
stack of wooden nickels.
Hey, that's funny.
Tom, we got to put
this babe in the act.
BILLY BOY: Hey, fellas, wait up!
I'm telling you, she's great!
Rhoda, take a memo.
Yes, sir. To Robert Butler.
Robert, as you are aware
the vindication of Elwood
Perkins in the Kate Kelley homicide
has saved this company $50,000.
Your memo,
congratulating Miss Markowitz and
myself for our role in this endeavor,
somehow seems to have
got lost in the inter-office mails.
As to Miss Markowitz,
don't you think it's about
time you and I chatted
about enrolling her in the
company training program?