Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996): Season 6, Episode 21 - The Szechuan Dragon - full transcript

I don't understand it.

I do.

You got me up here for
the wild goose season.

FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Murder She Wrote.

I'm not due for two
months. It's a boy.

And I've never felt better.

Is there a problem
with the baby?

Absolutely not.

Mr. Fletcher, my father
came to this house to retrieve

an extremely valuable
object that was rightfully his.

Who was the victim,



and what in the hell was he doing
with a key to Mrs. Fletcher's door?

What is going on there?

CARLA: Evening, Captain.

Yeah, it was.

Give it to me, now.

I haven't got it.

Don't you lie to me.

You took it from the Cambodian

five weeks ago in Singapore.

It's mine. I want it back.

Oh!

(GROANS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

You got my message.



You know very well, my dear,
that you sent me no message.

But I did.

Carla, dear heart,

if you were ever
to tell me the truth

without me first having
to extort it from you,

it would shatter my convictions

about the entire
nature of the universe.

And that quarter-pound
of makeup on your face

indicates that you've met
up with our seafaring friend.

Did you get it?

No.

He said the Cambodian
took it from him in Singapore.

And that's the last I remember.

Except for his destination.

My bags are in the limousine.

Where are we going?

Maine. Place called Cabot Cove.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Nice horn. Why don't you buy it?

Hiya, Doc! Sorry I startled you.

Grady! I wasn't looking for
you for a whole other hour.

Hello, there, Donna!

Hello, Dr. Hazlitt.

Donna, I told you
to stay in the car.

Grady, for heaven's sakes,

being pregnant does not mean

"Wait in the car."

I'm not due for two
months. It's a boy.

And I've never felt better.

Yeah, well, I'd feel
a whole lot better

if you'd just take
a look at her.

I mean, after we
get settled in and all.

Be my pleasure.

Jessica's key. Oh, thanks.

Oh, now, please,
Donna, get back in the car.

You shouldn't be out
in this kind of weather.

Grady, Grady, it's 60
degrees and sunny.

I know. Enjoy it, Donna.

You probably won't get this
kind of attention for many a moon.

Oh, have you heard
anything from Aunt Jess?

Yeah.

Said she was looking in on
her cousin Emma's rehearsals.

Said she'd call you in a day
or two, see how you're doing.

I'll tell you one
thing for sure.

After New York's crowds,
noise and pollution,

this is going to
work out just great.

Young lady, if you need
something for those nerves,

you let me know.

Thank you, Dr. Hazlitt,
but my nerves are just fine.

Not yours, his.

I wish you'd let me help.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm
fine. Just go sit down, okay?

You must be Grady and Donna.

I'm Connie Lewis.
I live next door.

Oh, here, let me give
you a hand. Well, thanks.

(EXCLAIMS)

I take care of Jessica's
plants when she's away.

Jessica told me you'd be house
sitting this week, but I didn't know

when you'd be arriving,
and, well, plants get thirsty.

And lonely.

Ah, now I know they'll
be in good hands.

By the way, this little darling
likes the afternoon sun.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

My son, Stanley. That noise.

Stanley, do you have to park that
thing where the whole world can see it?

And can you believe he's
about to buy a new one

that's even bigger and noisier?

Kids.

Oh, who knows?
Maybe I'll get lucky

and the bank will
turn down his loan.

Then if that old thing
would just fall apart and die...

Well, call me if
you need anything.

Thanks. Bye.

Well, I guess we
better get started.

Donna, are you out of your mind?

Now, look. Look, I don't
want you to climb those stairs.

But... Look. This
is what I'll do.

I'll grab some blankets

and some pillows and some sheets

and I'll turn this sofa into
a nice little bed for you.

Grady... Then I'll bring a
TV in from the other room.

Grady! And I'll... Grady!

The bathroom is upstairs,
right next to the guest room.

Oh, right.

(PHONE RINGING) And
besides, the doctor said

I need a little rest,
not a total veg-out.

Fletcher residence.

Aunt Jess! How are you?

I'm wonderful, but more
to the point, how are you?

And Donna and your heir to be?

Oh, I'm so glad.

Well, for one thing, she won't
sit still like she's supposed to,

but everything else
seems to be under control.

How's Emma's show?

Let me give you
an indication, Grady.

You know the Royal Family
rarely attends opening nights.

Donna, will you put
that thing down and sit?

That's fantastic, Aunt Jess.

I mean, not only that,
it's protocol for them

to come backstage
after the performance.

You're kidding. You're gonna
meet the Queen of England?

Even if I have to set up
housekeeping in Emma's dressing room.

Oh, by the way, I'm
staying in Emma's flat.

The phone number is
next to the kitchen phone.

And, oh, yes, there's
a blue envelope...

There's a blue envelope
in the top drawer,

next to the sink.

A few hundred dollars in
cash. It's for the plumber.

It's here.

Yeah, it's there.

Oh, good.

I will, Grady.

Oh, and give my love to Donna.

Okay, I will. Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, Miss Thyssen,
the joke's wearing thin.

Where is he?

I don't understand it.

I do.

You got me up here for
the wild goose season.

And why would I
be here with you?

Well, I can think
of several reasons.

For instance, you've joined
forces with the Cambodian

and you've brought me here
to keep me out of the play.

The man at the bus terminal gate

in New York confirmed
what the ticket clerk told me.

The captain had a
ticket to Cabot Cove.

Perhaps the captain got
to them before you did.

Listen, you. You're the
one who was so sure

you could learn who
he was going to see

in this backwater.

Carla, my dear, never
lose your charming fire.

It almost compensates for
your pathological dishonesty.

Well, thank you.

No, I'll take the bottom drawer.

Wonderful. I'm not
allowed to stoop, stand,

walk, twist, kneel, stretch.

Donna, will you
stop lifting things?

Right. I forgot lift.
Grady, it's empty.

Here, let me have that...

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Oh, this is gruesome.

Can you actually picture Aunt
Jess buying anything like this?

Probably a gift she
was too nice to toss out.

So she puts it in the guest room

to keep people
from staying too long.

Oh, broiled scrod?
Nothing to it, Mr. Fletcher.

A little butter,
a little garlic.

Great for the missus.

Of course, nobody, but nobody,
does it better than your aunt.

Tell me about it.

Look, Stanley, I just don't want

any more ripped
nets, understand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard you already.

Nick, see you soon.

(CLATTERING)

(CRASHING)

(WHISPERING) Grady, wake up.

What? Grady, wake up!

Donna, it's not even
light yet. Go to sleep.

Grady, there's
somebody downstairs.

What, here?

Yes, listen.

I don't hear anything.

Grady, I heard it.

Maybe we should call the police.

Okay, okay, I'll go take a look.

Do you suppose Jessica has
a baseball bat or something?

She took it to London
with her. Now stay here.

(GASPS)

There you are.

I'd say death must
have been instantaneous.

Blow on the head
from Jessica's old lamp.

No identification.

I love all the help I'm getting.

You know, this lamp had
to be one of her favorites.

It's been here as long
as I can remember.

Listen, Doc. Yeah.

This thing has got
Donna really, really upset,

so if there's anything
you can do, I'd...

More coffee, Sheriff?

Oh, you just said
the magic word.

Thank you very much.

So did you have any luck with
that letter I found in his pocket?

Well, even if I could read
whatever language it's in,

the handwriting is so awful.

(SIGHING) Wonderful.

Come on, sit. Oh.

Watch your feet. I smell fish.

Yeah, poor fellow did
seem like a seafaring man.

Well, the way I
figure, it was burglary.

The victim and his partner get as far
as trashing Mrs. Fletcher's living room.

They get into a fight. The
partner kills him and takes off.

So what we're looking at is,

who was the partner,
who was the victim,

and what in the hell was he doing
with a key to Mrs. Fletcher's door?

Unless he was a friend of hers.

I don't recall her
ever offering me a key.

Here's the key she gave us.

(RINGING)

Fletcher residence.

Aunt Jess, is everything okay?

Oh, yes, wonderful, thank you.

I hope I didn't wake you up,

but I'm on my
way out to Harrods,

to buy something
to wear, I hope.

Grady, is everything all right?

Yeah. Yes, just great.
Couldn't be better.

What do I tell her?

All it'll do is upset her.

What can she do
from 3,000 miles away?

And please, use whatever
else is in the freezer as well.

Thanks, Aunt Jess.

Listen, would you by any chance

know of an old sailor
by the name of...

It's right on the
tip of my tongue.

Well, anyway, he
kind of dropped in.

Well, he's got scraggly
hair, a gray beard,

bushy eyebrows, a wooden leg...

He sounds a lot
like Captain Ahab.

I'm afraid it doesn't
ring any bells, Grady,

but I suppose if it's
important, he'll stop by again.

No, I don't think so.

Well, give Donna a big
hug and a kiss for me.

Yeah, I will.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Well, I suppose we can assume

he didn't get that
key from Jessica.

Which does not excuse her
always leaving these doors open.

I have told her
one hundred times

that she's gonna get
a lot of freak weirdoes

walking in off the
street, but, oh, no.

Now when she goes away,
that's when she locks the door

and then total strangers
turn up with their own keys.

How'd you get in here?

The lock on the door is almost
as primitive as this community.

You look very desirable, Carla.

But as you know, I never
mix business with pleasure.

We still do have a business
arrangement, do we not?

Of course.

How terribly reassuring.

I stopped by your
room last evening and...

There I go again, how I envy
those with trusting natures.

You probably took a
stroll down to the beach

for a midnight swim.

I took a walk, yes,
not to the beach.

Can I have my revolver?

I went to the beach,
looking for you.

Whom did you meet?

No one. I saw no one.

Not the captain? No.

The Cambodian, then?

Is he here?

A few minutes ago,
the radio reported

that the body of a man

answering the
captain's description

was found dead,
apparently murdered,

in the home of a
local mystery writer.

J.B. Fletcher.

So that's who he
came here to see.

You tell me.

Justin, I don't have it.

Not in this room, you don't.

You still have exquisite
taste in lingerie, Carla.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes?

Where did you go last
night after our meeting?

You insult me.

If only that were possible.

Did Hunnicut kill him?

No, leave Justin to me.

METZGER: That's the
best you guys can do?

Oh, come on, I bet half
the clothes you're wearing

were made in Hong Kong.

Well, judging from your
jolly demeanor, Sheriff,

I'd say the state police
hadn't had any luck

with the fingerprints.

Hey, don't talk to
me about fingerprints.

Washington's got them
all on their computer, right?

Millions of them.
Billions of them.

Everybody in the known world,

except for our murder
victim. Mmm-hmm.

What you got, Doc?

Pathology report.

Victim died as a result
of a downward blow

to the left occipital
lobe from a lamp base.

That I figured.

So the murderer was
probably right-handed.

And?

And that's it.

That's it? You call
that a pathology report?

I learned more
than that from a frog

I dissected in high
school biology.

Yeah, but your frog
didn't have a wooden leg

and carry a handwritten
letter in his pocket.

That looks like Greek to me.

Yeah, tell me
about it. No, really.

There's a theta, zeta,
and that's an upsilon.

My college fraternity.

Fraternity?

College?

Yeah, I heard about
that murder, Sheriff.

Well, I think you've
come to the right place,

that's for sure.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

But this handwriting...

I'm ashamed to say it.

It may be one of my countrymen.

Mr. Zavakis, Kris
said to make sure

I get paid for this scrod

or just don't bother
coming back to the boat.

Well, look, Stanley, this is...

This is gonna
have to do for now.

Stanley, I can't help
it if business is slow.

You tell Kris that I'll get the
rest of it to him next week.

Boy, the manners
they teach kids today.

Here we go.

Nick, the letter, Nick.

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, it does seem to appear

that he's some sort of a sailor

'cause he rambles
on here about a cruise

to Shanghai, Hong Kong.

Cruise? Yeah.

Sort of like a
postcard, you know.

He talks about
girls and sightseeing

and the weather and,
you know, things like that.

And then he says,
"Hope to see you soon."

And he signs it, and that
looks like Constantine.

And that's all of it? Afraid so.

What was it that you
was looking for, Sheriff?

The answer, Nick.

The answer. Thanks.

Grady, I'm going
next door for a minute

to Connie Lewis' house
to borrow some shampoo.

Donna, wait.
Here's your sweater.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

See. I told you it was chilly.

MAN: Phone repair. Really?

Some kind of noise on the line.

Mrs. Fletcher called
it in on the 10th.

Oh, gee, I hadn't
noticed any noise,

but then again
I don't live here.

My wife and I, we're
kind of house-sitting.

Actually, there's
no phone in here.

There's one in the living room

and there's one in the kitchen

and there's one upstairs.

Actually, there's two upstairs.

There's the phone.
It's right behind you.

I guess since you
lived here a while,

you know my Aunt Jessica, huh?

Oh, yes. She is a fine lady.

Yeah.

Well, I suppose you've
read some of her books.

Yes.

They're instructive.

Instructive? About
how to murder people?

Would you mind showing
me some identification?

Hey, what are you doing?

What's the matter with
you? Are you crazy?

All right.

Proposition.

Give me what I am looking for,

and I will not kill you.

Okay. Okay.
That's great. Really.

But do you suppose you can give
me some kind of idea of what you want?

I mean, really. No!

Okay.

If destroying you and this entire
structure is necessary, then...

(SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, Sheriff, he went out back.

I'll check the hall.

DONNA: Grady.

I'm okay. I'm okay.
Oh, thank God.

Oh, I called the sheriff
from Mrs. Lewis' house.

I was so worried. About what?

That repairman. I saw him go in,

but there was no van outside.

Oh, man, I wish
I'd thought of that.

And then I thought
maybe I was crazy.

No. No, you weren't crazy.

He sure was.

He's gone. He must've
had a car parked nearby.

Did you get a good
look at him? Yeah.

It's burned into my brain.

METZGER: You okay, ma'am? Yeah.

You were not followed?

No.

Dear Carla doesn't
suspect a thing.

SETH: I heard about your
session with Bruce Lee.

I thought I better
come by and see

how the little mother was doing.

Oh, thanks, Doc.

All this commotion can't
be doing her any good.

Monotonously normal for a
healthy, seven months pregnant lady.

Are you sure?

You, on the other hand,

are ticking away
like a $2 clock.

That ought to just
about do it, Mr. Fletcher.

Oh, great. Oh, the money.

Where did Aunt
Jess say she left it?

Oh, the drawer by the sink.

Oh, yeah, a blue envelope.

Grady, it's gone.

BOTH: The killer.

I never felt this tired

since the last time I
climbed Mount Washington,

and I don't need
you glaring at me.

Grady, these baby
pictures of you

are fabulous.

See?

Even then you had
a sweet little tush.

I suppose we'll
have a photo album

like this someday,

and our little...

Grady, look!

Oh, that's Jessica's
Aunt Harriet.

She died a couple of months ago.

No, no, no, no,
no. I mean the man.

It's him, the one who was
murdered in the living room.

You know something?
You're right.

Nothing. No date or anything.

Quick, where's Aunt
Jess's phone number?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Grady, what's the matter?

Nothing, Aunt Jess. Not a thing.

I just wanted to
call you and tell you

the plumber was here and
everything's working like a charm.

The toilet, the
sink, the hot water.

Yeah, I found the envelope.

Yeah, she's right here.

She's having a wonderful time

looking at your
photograph albums,

and she found a picture of
your Aunt Harriet, with a man.

And the funny thing is,

it looks a lot like that fellow
I was telling you about,

the one with the wooden
leg who dropped in.

Oh, of course, that
must've been Herbert.

What was it? Malachi,
Herbert Malachi.

I can't think why I didn't
make the connection before.

That's an interesting name.

How would you spell that?

Uh-huh.

L-A-C-H-I.

At one time, I
think that Harriet

was very serious about him,

but I don't believe that
she'd seen him for years.

And I only met
him once or twice.

Yeah, well, be sure to say
hello if he stops by again.

Yeah, I will, Aunt Jess.

Well, another thing,

would you happen to
own any valuable antiques

or rare coins or
something like that?

Grady, what is going on there?

Has something happened
that I should know about?

Well...

Yeah, Aunt Jess.
Something's happened.

You know, your living room?

Well, there was this accident.

Well, you know that lamp,
next to the telephone?

Well, I broke it.

That old eyesore? That's all?

Well, yeah. Besides that,
everything else is quiet.

Except for Stanley next door

who's got this new motorcycle
that keeps the neighborhood awake.

Yeah, she's right here.

Hello, Aunt Jessica.

Yes, I feel marvelous,

for an egg-shaped person.

Okay, we've got to
go now, Aunt Jess.

Goodbye.

I'm gonna get a glass of milk.

(RINGING)

Metzger.

Sheriff, I've got the
name of the murder victim.

You do? From where?

Yeah.

Yeah, Herbert Malachi. Spell it.

That's fantastic. I know a guy
down at the maritime union.

If he can't get me a line
on this bozo, nobody can.

I'm gonna call him right now.

Thanks, Grady. This
could bust it wide open.

I'll get right back to you.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello. Sorry to disturb you.

My car broke down.

Do you suppose I might
come in, use your phone?

Call the Auto Club?

Oh, yeah, sure. Come on in.

Thanks.

So, this is where
he died, isn't it?

In this house.

Where who died?

My father, Captain Malachi.

He was your father?

Yeah. He was the
only parent I knew.

My mother, rest her soul,

she died giving birth to me.

Oh, that's terrible.
I'm really sorry.

Look, I'm going to be
perfectly honest with you, Mr...

It's Fletcher. Grady Fletcher.

Mr. Fletcher, I have
reason to believe

my father came to
this house to retrieve

an extremely valuable
object that was rightfully his.

And he was murdered
by a person or persons

who wanted to steal it from him.

Well, there's nothing
valuable in here.

I just got off the phone
with my Aunt Jess...

No, no, no. The
object I'm speaking of

was given to Jessica Fletcher
by Miss Harriet Lanihan

shortly before her death.

They killed Aunt Harriet, too?

Oh, no, no, no, no. She
died of natural causes.

But my father sent her
the object from Shanghai

because he was afraid that the Cambodian
was gonna try and steal it from him again.

Cambodian?

Yeah.

He's an extremely dangerous man.

Yeah, I think I've met him.

So you figure he
killed your father?

Possibly.

We're talking person or persons.

So who else do you think
is after this whatchamacallit?

Justin Hunnicut.

Is that two people?

He's a cold, unfeeling man.

He's as relentless as a glacier.

Mr. Fletcher, would
you help me? Yeah.

Would you let me have
what my father died to protect,

for himself and for me?

(DONNA CLEARING THROAT)

Well, who are you? Who are you?

That's my wife.

Donna, this is Captain
Malachi's daughter, Carla.

She wants me to help her.

What was she doing,
paying in advance?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

That's Hunnicut. He
mustn't find me here.

Do you have a back door?

Yeah, it's out that way,
but this thing you're after.

You never told me what it is.

Look, I beg you, don't
do business with Hunnicut.

I'll be in touch.

Grady, I think maybe we
should go back to New York.

Yeah, okay, first
thing in the morning.

Hey, I felt the baby
kick. That was my fist.

Oh.

Look, come on.
This way. Hurry up.

Don't make a
sound. But, Grady...

Donna, Donna,
don't argue with me.

There's no place to run.

I've just got to deal with this.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Sheriff Metzger? I
thought you were Hunnicut.

Who? I'm not sure.

Yeah, well, listen,

I got to thinking
that maybe that killer

might make another attempt
to get his hand on your gizmo.

I think she just did.

She?

Donna, you're wrong about her.

Captain Malachi's
daughter. She's a sweet...

Oh, oh, wait,
wait. Just save it.

My friend down at
the maritime union,

took him less than five minutes
to give me this skinny on Malachi.

The guy was as much of a
sea captain as Floyd, here.

He was an ordinary seaman
who jumped ship in Rangoon

back in '76 and then vanished.

The Burmese cops discovered
he was smuggling art objects

out of there in
his bunk mattress.

And as for him
having a daughter,

well, the same World War
II basic training accident

that cost him his leg also fixed
it so he couldn't make babies.

I can't believe I believed her.

I can.

Anyway, I decided to post a
deputy here for the rest of the night.

Yeah, good, that's great.

Good idea, Sheriff. Who?

DONNA: Honey, wake up.

I'll get breakfast started.

(DONNA SCREAMING)

Donna, Donna!

Donna, are you okay? Donna!

Oh, my God.

METZGER: Sure he's okay, Doc?

SETH: A little bump
on the head there.

Not even very much swelling.

And I'd say his brain
cells are still all fired up.

Must have hit me
from behind. Yeah.

Probably while you
were sleeping in the chair.

Thanks, Doc. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Floyd.

(PHONE RINGING)

Morning, Dr. Hazlitt speaking.

Jessica.

You sound right
across the street.

Oh, I wish I were.

I wanted to talk to you before
I leave to have my hair done.

Oh, Seth, here it is
Emma's opening night

and I'm going to meet the queen,

and all I can think about
is Donna and Grady.

Do you suppose that you
could just look in on them for me?

I have and they're fine.

What's got you worried?

Something's not
right over there.

I can hear it in their voices.

Seth, is there a
problem with the baby?

Absolutely not.

You wouldn't fib to me?

Mrs. Fletcher, I
refuse to dignify that

with an answer.

Well, that's a relief.

And my house is still standing?

Last time I looked.

Jess, are you sure you're not coming
down with meet-Her-Majesty fright?

I'm told it's very common
among us commoners.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

Seth,

Seth,

you wouldn't happen to
know anything about a man

who dropped in on
them, a Captain Malachi?

(STAMMERING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

I don't believe that's a
name I've heard before.

It's strange that he would
show up in Cabot Cove.

You know, at one time he
was a beau of my Aunt Harriet.

Is that so?

Yes. She was such a dear.

She never married,
lived by herself in Boston.

You know, she was so upset

that she had nothing
to leave me in her will,

so on her deathbed
she insisted on giving me

what has to be the
ugliest little statuette

that I have ever seen.

Jess, I've got to go.

I've got an emergency
call on my other line.

But you have a... You have
a wonderful time tonight,

and I'll see you in a few days.

Goodbye.

Jessica's right.
It's really ugly.

I mean, how can
so many people want

anything so unattractive?

It's gone!

When we were asleep.

You know,

I've got a hunch it's
time for a second opinion.

You don't look good, Sheriff.

You eating enough
seafood lately?

Kris, the letter?

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Cruise to the Far East?

Who told you that?

Never mind that.
What does it really say?

It's about a dragon
of some kind.

It says if it's authentic,

it's worth a great
deal of money.

Kris,

how do you say "bingo" in Greek?

The word's "eureka."

Thank you, pal.

Yeah? Well, how sure are you?

I really feel terrible
about making such a mess

of Mrs. Fletcher's house.

Not as terrible as I feel
having to clean it up.

It wasn't easy, you
know, doing it on the quiet.

I was worried about your
missus, her condition and all.

Oh, by the way, how'd
that scrod turn out?

I don't wanna
talk about it, okay?

Well, I can understand that.

I really wouldn't have
done anything like this,

but business has
been really lousy,

and when the sheriff showed me that
letter from that Rangoon art dealer...

You picked one hell of a time

to start your
crime career, Nick.

Did that check out or
what? Yeah, it checked out.

At the very moment
our murder victim

was having his head
caved in with a lamp

in Mrs. Fletcher's living room,

Nick was losing
next month's rent

in a poker game with Mayor Booth
and half the volunteer fire department.

I don't do so good at cards.

Well, that still doesn't get you
off the hook for grand theft dragon.

What've you got, Doc?

Oh, well, quite a
mouthful, actually.

Miss Buffum over at the
library was most helpful.

Now, let's see.

It's called the Szechuan Dragon.

400 years old.

Tang Dynasty.

Stolen from the Forbidden
City over 200 years ago.

It vanished until 1805,

when it turned up in the
collection of a Hapsburg prince,

which was then looted by
one of Napoleon's generals.

The general was
murdered 12 years later,

and the dragon didn't
pop up again till 1916

at the hermitage
in St. Petersburg.

It was stolen the
following year,

during the Russian Revolution.

And after that... Well, after
that, it gets kind of sketchy.

You got any idea of
what the dingus is worth?

(PHONE RINGING)
Eight figures, minimum.

Sheriff's office. Floyd
speaking. Eight?

That would make it worth...

Yeah, it sure would.

Yes, ma'am. Sheriff,
it's Mrs. Fletcher.

She's been trying her
house and Dr. Hazlitt's office.

Can't get anybody.

Hi, Mrs. Fletcher.

No, Grady's right here.

Donna went shopping.

No, no, they're
both still breathing.

No, your house
did not burn down.

Look, to tell you the truth,

it's just a murder, that's all.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, there was a
reason we didn't.

You want to know, I'll tell you.

But I hope you're
not at a pay phone

because this is gonna
take quite a while.

I don't know.

My husband would be
so disappointed in me.

Hey, my husband's been
disappointed in me for 18 years.

Go for it.

All right.

And I want nuts,

whipped cream,
cherries, the whole shot.

And sprinkles?

And sprinkles.

So, we're up to our
old tricks, are we?

Justin, we... It
is you, and him.

I'm placing you
under citizen's arrest.

Shut her up.

Ow! Oh! Help! Help!

Quiet, please, please be quiet.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

There's a clear
violation of rights.

You manhandled me.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hey, hey, hey, all
of you! Put a lid on it,

or I'm gonna toss you all in jail
and take a nice long vacation.

Better.

Sorry about that, Mrs. Fletcher.

Now then, which one of these
winners were you saying I should book?

None of them?

Well, then, who?

Who?

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Is that gorgeous or what?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Morning, Sheriff.

Morning, Mrs. Lewis.

What can we do for you?

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to charge your son with grand theft

and the murder
of Herbert Malachi.

Stanley?

Mom, he's totally shredded. I
never heard of the guy in my life.

Well, the way Mrs.
Fletcher figures it,

Malachi interrupted you while
you were burglarizing her house.

Oh, come on. I mean,
what does she know?

She's thousands of
miles away. Stanley!

Perhaps we ought to listen
to what the sheriff has to say.

Mrs. Fletcher thinks
you got yourself

a duplicate of the
kitchen door key

that she left for your mother

so she could get in
and water the plants,

and that you let yourself in
about 4:30 in the morning.

But why?

He was looking for
cash, Mrs. Lewis,

to pay for the new motorcycle.

(SCOFFS) Forget
it, I got a bank loan.

I checked. They turned you down.

So you forged your mother's
signature on one of her checks,

only her balance didn't
quite cover the nut.

So you had to look for
the rest someplace else.

Like that blue envelope in
Mrs. Fletcher's kitchen drawer.

It was full of cash
to pay the plumber.

Mrs. Fletcher figures

what probably happened was
Malachi walked in the open door

and caught you in the act.

And since you weren't
anxious to have any witnesses,

you went after him.

You forced the old
man into the living room,

where you brained
him with a lamp.

You probably dropped
your key during the struggle.

When Mrs. Fletcher's nephew
turned on the upstairs light,

you figured you'd better
bug out of there fast.

When we found the key,

we assumed it
belonged to the old sailor.

Except he had no
way of getting one.

But you did.

Sheriff, do you have any proof?

We found the blue envelope

in Mrs. Fletcher's waste
basket, Mrs. Lewis.

The lab boys tell us it's
got three sets of prints on it.

One belongs to Mrs. Fletcher,

one to Grady's wife,

and we're pretty sure the third
set's gonna match Stanley's.

That bike is so hot.

I take that thing
out on the road

and really open it up, you know.

The wind rushing past.

For a minute there,

I can actually outrun the
smell of those stinking fish.

What can I tell you?

Mrs. Fletcher's the
rightful owner of this thing.

So you people are gonna just

have to try to make
a deal with her.

My attorneys are gonna have one or
two things to say about that, Sheriff.

Oh, yeah?

Well, they can say
them after Stanley's trial,

because until that's over,

I'm hanging on to
this thing for evidence.

And another thing,

you people ought to be thankful

that Grady and Donna
here aren't pressing charges.

I still can't figure out why anybody
would wanna buy one of these.

Oh, my God, sir.

Your incredible clumsiness

has just destroyed
twenty million dollars.

Well, you can add it to my list.

The wooden base broke off.

Look.

"Made in Taiwan"?

Grady, it's a fake.

No. It's impossible.

Nonsense.

Even a nitwit like
Herbert Malachi

wouldn't risk his life carrying a
piece of junk halfway across the world.

SETH: I don't know if I'd bet the
plantation on that, Mr. Hunnicut.

Seems to me Mr. Malachi
put this key in the dragon.

And I expect he's the only
one who'd know what it opened.

See, it has little numbers
etched into the metal,

some sort of code, I expect,

telling us where the Szechuan
Dragon might possibly be.

(SHOUTING)

Floyd, stop them.

Now, right, hold it, Sheriff.

That's just the key to
my old fishing tackle box.

Oh, I expect that will keep them
busy for some years to come.

Don't you?