Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - New Mammy - full transcript
After Rory and his boyfriend argue but make up Cathy feels that Agnes should make more effort to get on with Hillary so Agnes asks her out to the pub. Initially Hillary is unimpressed but after a couple of ciders is ready to arm wrestle anybody. The new found friendship is,however,overshadowed when Maria is rushed to hospital and gives birth to triplets. After Mark has shown Betty his romantic side there is only one way to end the series - a song performed by the entire cast.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Our Mrs Brown. #
KNOCK AT DOOR
Door!
KNOCKING CONTINUES
Door!
KNOCKING PERSISTS
The door!
Is that where it is, Grandad?
Thanks very much!
Me very own feckin' sat-nav!
KNOCK AT DOOR
You better be a buckin' woodpecker!
Oh. Thank you.
Ah, that's nice.
Someone's getting flowers.
Are they for me? No, Grandad.
It's a bouquet, not a wreath!
"To the most beautiful woman
in the world." They're for me!
"To my wife,
just because I love you." Aw!
That'll brighten Maria's day.
It's nice to see Dermot
doing things like that.
Especially so close to the birth
of the twins. Just weeks to go.
Morning. Look! Flowers!
Yes, for you!
They're beautiful. But why?
Just because. That's romance, Maria.
And that's the Brown way.
I haven't got time to
put them in a vase.
I'll look after them.
Thanks, Mrs Brown.
Ah, they're so lovely!
Dermot. His father wasn't
like that. You must be joking.
The only time I saw Redser in the
same room as flowers was his funeral!
No, Dermot's a romantic.
He gets that from me.
It's that time of year
and love is in the air.
I hate you! I hate you!
You can sit down!
I don't want to sit down!
Suit yourself!
Don't you worry. I will!
Like you always do...
I've had a good teacher!
That one's mine. And that one.
And I think this is mine.
You can think again.
That's buckin' mine.
There should be another
one with this.
It's a double album. Where is it?
I ate it! Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Mammy, did you hear that?!
I know. Come here. Ssh, now, now.
I know.
Me, a bastard!
Technically you're not!
Technically?! Oh!
Rory!
Granny!
Bono!
Oh, me little man,
let me look at you.
Ooh, now, what's all this?
I'm a Indian, Granny!
An Indian!
Here, little Indian, go in and play
with your grandad.
I'll be in to you in a minute.
Thanks for keeping an eye on him.
I won't be long at the dentist.
No problem. I love having him
around. He brightens up the place.
And you're going to be
longer at the dentist
than you think with
those buck teeth!
Hello, Ma. Hello, son!
Oh, what beautiful flowers.
Flowers? Who got them?
Maria. They came this morning.
Actually... Maria was delighted!
Was she? Yes.
Is it an anniversary or something?
No. Just because.
Och, that's so romantic. Isn't it?
Yeah. Very romantic.
I wish you'd do something like that
for me. You're not romantic at all.
He used to be...
before he married you!
Ma!
I'm just saying, you know.
You get married,
you forget things, you get so busy.
He forgets to get flowers,
she forgets to work out.
Saggy arse, pimples popping out,
teeth going bad,
wrinkles popping up everywhere,
you know...
Now, now, don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm sure Mr Brown loved you anyway!
Right, we'd better go.
Won't be long.
Take your feckin' time!
I haven't got feckin' wrinkles.
Ha-ha-ha, Bono!
What are you doing?
Now, Bono, if you're going to
do that to Grandad,
take the rubber tip off.
Is he your grandad? No, he's not
my grandad, he's my husband's daddy.
But I call him Grandad.
Among other things...
And I'm your daddy's mammy,
so you call me...
Granny! That's right.
And Daddy calls me...
Mammy! Yes!
And your mammy calls me...
An auld cow. An auld co...
Does she, now?
SHE LAUGHS
"Pyschic wanted.
"You know where to apply."
I'm ordering meself a pizza, Mammy.
Will I order you something?
Give me the menu. It's in Italian.
Will I just pick something for ya?
I'm well capable of ordering
for myself in any feckin' language!
Hello? I'd like to order
a delivery, please.
Mammy? I'm only after getting it!
Give me a feckin' second!
Yes, 92 James Larkin Court.
Brown. Er, a medium thin-crust
Hawaiian, please. Yeah, and, erm...
I'll have the pageone!
And a lasagne, please.
Thanks.
Excuse me. I said a pageone!
That's "page one".
Howya, Cathy.
You still having that
dream where I'm covered
in oil and you're
sliding up and down me?
I've never had a dream about you.
Ah! That was my dream.
Is Dermot here? No.
I'll call later. If you see him, will
you say I got that thing organised?
What thing? I have a friend...
We don't need to know.
Good night, Buster!
I'll see yous.
SHE SIGHS
What's up? I wish Rory and Dino
would stop fighting so much.
I don't think they understand
how much it upsets other people.
You could learn a lesson from that
yourself. I beg your pardon?
Sorry, will you give that
to your son?
I love you, Cathy. Piss off!
What do you mean,
I could learn a lesson?
I don't think you realise
how much you not
getting on with Mrs
Nicholson upsets Maria.
Here, what's in the envelope?
Two tickets for a weekend in Venice.
God! Dermot's gone romance mad!
Hasn't he?
Here, I've to pick me dress up
from the cleaners.
Hiya, Rory. You feeling any better?
HE SIGHS
I got to go.
Mammy, when the pizza comes, just
put it in the oven.
I won't be long. All right.
Dermot's taking Maria
off to Venice for the weekend.
Going to be going up and down
in their gonorrhoea.
I think you mean "gorgonzola".
You're right. Gorgonzola.
It's in the gorgonzola.
It's the gonorrhoea that rows it.
Rory, why are you so sad?
Rory, I wish there was something
I could do to make things better.
There's nothing. It's over!
I know... I could beat him up!
What?! No! I'm only joking.
But you didn't want anything to
happen to him all the same, did you?
See. You care. It's not over.
KNOCK AT DOOR
It's open!
Hey, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Barbara. Sit down.
How are you, Rory? I just dropped
over to see how you are. Not there...
He's not great, Barbara.
He's not great at all.
I don't blame you. That Dino is
a bitchy diva at times. Wha'?
DOORBELL RINGS
There's the Italian food.
I don't know how
I haven't killed him before.
He treats me like dirt sometimes.
Shouts at me like I'm a trainee.
Well... you are a trainee!
Hello, Dino! Hello, Mrs Brown.
I just called round to see
if I left my white jacket here.
Here, son.
Dino... how are you?
How am I? How am I?
I haven't slept for two days.
I've a blinding headache,
bags under my eyes
and last night I just curled up in
the corner and I cried like a baby.
I'm sorry I fuckin' asked now!
Dino...
Look, son, I know
I didn't take to you at first.
And I don't pretend to know too much
about Los Homos...
But I love my son.
And all I ever wanted
was for Rory to be happy.
And I have to say, I've never seen Rory
as happy as he is when he's with you.
HE MOUTHS
SHE MOUTHS
Dino...
why don't you come in, son?
Rory's in the kitchen.
He says he cares for you
but anyone'll tell you
he's always talking about
you behind your back.
And who would HE be, Barbara?
The cat's mother?
Hey, Dino!
I was just saying that the boss
doesn't realise how good Rory...
Yous both are, wasn't I Rory?
No, you weren't! You were
back-biting about the man I love!
I better go, so. Yes, you better.
Be in early in the morning,
Barbara.
I've a new sweeping brush
for you to try out.
Were you defending my honour?
Bit late for that.
Oh, Rory! Ah, Dino!
Oh, Jaysus!
Let's start again. A new beginning.
We'll go on a date!
DOORBELL RINGS
There's that feckin'
Italian food now!
I've a friend.
He owns an indoor horse-riding school.
I'll pick you up
Thursday, seven o'clock.
But I was never on a horse before. Ach!
Neither have I! It'll be an adventure!
He seemed happy.
We're going on a date!
See how relieved you are now
they're not fighting? Yes.
Wouldn't it be nice if
Maria could feel that way?
Ring Mrs Nicholson.
I don't think so.
I've dialled the number.
Speak to her!
Hello, Hidley?
Yes, how do do do?
It's Agnes.
Agnes Brown.
How many fuckin' Agneses
do you know?
Mammy!
Sorry.
No. Look, Hillary,
I was just thinking.
You know, we're going to have twins
in the family.
You're going to be one granny,
I'm going to be their real granny...
I just thought, you know...
I'd like to take you to dinner.
No, no, not here.
I'll take you out.
We'll go somewhere nice.
We come here all the time.
That's nice.
Would you like some ketchup?
No, thank you.
Here. Put them in your bag,
say nothing.
You'll have a drink, will you?
I have a sherry.
No, you'd have a DRINK, though. Mr
Foley, two pints of cider, please!
You're very lucky to have
your husband at home, Mrs Nicholson.
Yes, I suppose.
Mine's in hospital most of the time.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Thanks, Mr Foley.
Do you be gettin' it regular, now?
Winnie!
That's not the kind of question
you ask.
Getting what?
The bonky-bonky thing!
Where can one powder one's nose?
On one's face.
Oh, the toilet? It's back there.
BOTH: She's not getting it.
No, she's not.
So, how's Sharon?
She's taking cookery lessons now.
That's no harm.
Do you remember she tried to make
French toast and caught her
tongue in the toaster?
She made a carrot cake last night.
A carrot cake? How did it turn out?
She didn't grate the carrots.
What she feckin' needs is a man!
You're right, Agnes.
Especially her being a virgin.
Yeah!
Amazing time, losing your virginity.
Oh, it is! I remember it,
I remember mine. Oh, now!
I was sitting there,
me mother and father
downstairs looking
across from me.
I gave him a nudge, I said,
"Shall we sneak upstairs?
" So we sneaked upstairs.
Well, we... Hrrrr!
Oh, it was such fun,
and when we finished
everybody on the bus just clapped!
I remember mine. Oh?
Pictures first,
then home for a quiet drink.
I'd left the electric blanket on
so the bed was nice and cosy.
And afterwards, just lay there,
smoking me cigarette.
God, I was in heaven! I can imagine.
I only wish Jacko had been there!
We were just talking...
how did you meet Jonathan?
Well, I met him in France.
Ooooh! Winnie went out with a
French man once, didn't you? I did.
Really? What was his name?
Creme de Monty!
That's a liquor!
BOTH: Do you know him?!
Dermot sent Maria flowers.
Where is she? What?
Maria. Where did he send
the flowers to?
Our house, home.
But they both live there... why didn't
he bring them home and save a few bob?
You're missing the point, Winnie.
It's a surprise,
the romance of it all.
Ah, right.
Dermot's father
wasn't like that at all.
Ah, now, Agnes,
he did give you that surprise party!
That was his funeral!
Mr Foley! Another pint of cider
for the Queen of Sheba!
Howya, Maria. Is Dermot here?
No, he's still in work...
the shop's open till ten.
I'll call back later
and see him. Do you have to?
Do you have to call at all? What?
Every time Dermot tries to
go straight you turn up,
and he's back being
the master burglar.
Oh, thanks very much,
it's no bother!
It's not a compliment.
Just leave us alone.
Just go away and leave us alone!
SHE GROANS
OK.
AUDIENCE: Awww.
Will you give that to Dermot?
What is it?
I knew yous two
were looking for a place
and a friend of mine
just moved out of an apartment.
The rent's cheap.
That's the keys.
Buster...
Buster, look, I'm sorry.
Don't mind me. My hormones
are all over the place.
Do you want me
to help you look for them?
Howya, Dermot! Howya, Buster!
Uuurgh!
Are you all right, love?
She can't find her harmonica.
I think the babies are coming.
Jaysus! Jaysus!
Get the suitcase! The suitcase!
Call the ambulance! The ambulance!
Breathe, in and out, in and out!
Feel any better?
Bit dizzy, Dermot.
Not you!
Yes, it's easing.
Good! Dermot, you look very pale.
I'm grand.
Aaaargh!
Oooooh...
Eh...
It has two bedrooms
and there's a lift that goes...
Buster, go and get help!
Get help, get help...
HELP! HELP!
Buster, will you get someone?!
Get someone. Get someone...
JUST GO! I'm going!
ALL: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go...
ALL: Yes!
The winner!
Free drink for everyone!
Mrs Brown, you have to go home.
I'm having a good time, leave me
alone. No, you have to come now.
Buster, I don't remember
marrying you, now piss off!
They're coming! Who's coming?
The babies, they're coming! Winnie!
It's Maria's time!
Where's Dermot? He's at your house.
I think he's dead!
Winnie, come on, let's go.
You, get Hillary.
Where was I?
Breathe, in and out...
Aaaargh!
Oooh...
Maria, how far apart are the pains?
Oh, not too far, a few minutes.
Where's Dermot?
He's on the floor...
he's not able for this!
Winnie, we'd better
get things started. Right, Agnes,
I'll get hot water,
whisky, a lamp and newspapers.
Winnie!
I'm not feckin' John Wayne!
Just call an ambulance!
Mammy, thank God you're here!
Just relax.
Son, look after your wife.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
Mother, are you all right?
I'm fine, thank you.
Come on, I can take you!
Aaargh!
Ooooh...
Oh, God, Maria, are you all right?
She's fine, the babies are coming.
The babies are...
THE BABIES ARE COMING! Calm down!
THE BABIES ARE COMING! Calm down.
THE BABIES ARE COMING!
ECHOING THUMP
ECHOING THUMP
ECHOING CRACK
Maria, come on, lie down.
Everybody else, into the kitchen!
Come on, love, lie down.
Lie down, get your feet up.
Remember your classes -
breathe in, breathe out...
Can't see the telly!
Piss off, you!
Breathe in...
I can't see the telly!
Breathe in, breathe out...
Oh, Dermot, good man,
look after your wife.
What will I do?! Encourage her!
Go, Maria! Go, Maria!
Shut up, you moron! Aargh!
Mammy, have her waters gone yet?
No, not yet!
Uuurgh!
WATER GUSHES
Scratch that last message!
Give me a towel!
SIREN WAILS
Oh, you're here, thank God!
Maria, the ambulance is here.
Everything's going to be fine!
NOT HIM! HER!
Not her! THIS her!
Dermot, Dermot...
Dermot, son,
you go in the ambulance with Maria.
For God's sake,
don't you dare faint again, go!
She's close, five centimetres!
Aaargh!
She's close, five kilometres!
REPETITIVE TAPPING
Buster, stop it.
Sorry.
I'm not able
for this feckin' waiting!
Your father was great...
he was so cool.
I remember when I was in on Rory.
He just came in and said,
"Any news of the baby?"
I said, "He's two."
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Kieron? Yes, hold on, he's here.
Kieron, it's for you.
PHONE RINGS
Is that your phone? No!
Of course not...
you wouldn't be silly enough
to leave your phone on
in a feckin' studio!
It's OUR phone!
Hello?
Fuck's sake, Kieron!
REPETITIVE TAPPING
Stop, Buster!
Sorry.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Dermot!
Yes?
Hold on.
The first one was born
an hour ago... it's a boy!
Yes! Yes, love.
The second was born ten minutes
ago... it's another boy! Twin boys!
Yes!
I'm still here, love, yes.
You what?
Well, I...
They're expecting the third
any minute now.
Yes!
My God,
life doesn't get better than this!
Well done, Mammy!
I must bring her night
clothes in the morning.
And I'll bring her
flowers tomorrow.
They're not her flowers. They are...
the ones you got for Dermot.
I didn't get them for Dermot,
I got them for Mark.
For Mark?
DOOR OPENS
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oh, Rory, Rory, great news!
Rory, are you all right?
Ah, it's me back, Mammy,
I feel like I'm two foot tall.
Did you fall? No, Mammy.
Me and Dino were
up in the park, riding!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Three beautiful boys,
and they're the image of me.
That'll be the trauma of the birth,
Agnes.
It'll wear off.
Sorry.
Three beautiful new Brown boys!
You won't know yourself
with babies in the house.
I know! Mind you, they're
moving out shortly.
I should make the most
of it while I can.
Yeah.
Triplets!
What a way to end the series. Yeah.
What? This isn't the last episode?
Yes, it is.
But it can't be...
there's been no song!
You're right, Winnie!
We have a problem.
Well, just hold on.
First, I have a problem.
Betty, I didn't want
to upset Maria...
but I got those flowers for you.
I know.
And the tickets to Venice weren't
for Dermot and Maria
I got them for us.
I know.
And I'm fed up with being told...
You know?
Yes, Buster told me everything.
The hero again.
OK, then. Fine.
Sorry, Ma, what's your problem?
Well, it's much bigger than yours!
This is the last programme
in the series... we've no song!
I'll give you a song, Ma.
Mark, love, you can't sing.
Want to bet?
MUSIC: Macy Gray's "I Try"
# Games, changes and fears
# Where do they go from here?
# When do they stop?
# I believe that fate
has brought us here
# And we should be together, babe
# But we are not
# I play it cool
but I'm thinking of you
# I keep my cool, but I'm feelin'
ALL: # I try to say goodbye
and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near
# Goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near
# Goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near. #
You see?! It always works out
the way it's supposed to.
Good night!
One more time!
# I try to say goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near
# Goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near. #
That's nice!
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Our Mrs Brown. #
KNOCK AT DOOR
Door!
KNOCKING CONTINUES
Door!
KNOCKING PERSISTS
The door!
Is that where it is, Grandad?
Thanks very much!
Me very own feckin' sat-nav!
KNOCK AT DOOR
You better be a buckin' woodpecker!
Oh. Thank you.
Ah, that's nice.
Someone's getting flowers.
Are they for me? No, Grandad.
It's a bouquet, not a wreath!
"To the most beautiful woman
in the world." They're for me!
"To my wife,
just because I love you." Aw!
That'll brighten Maria's day.
It's nice to see Dermot
doing things like that.
Especially so close to the birth
of the twins. Just weeks to go.
Morning. Look! Flowers!
Yes, for you!
They're beautiful. But why?
Just because. That's romance, Maria.
And that's the Brown way.
I haven't got time to
put them in a vase.
I'll look after them.
Thanks, Mrs Brown.
Ah, they're so lovely!
Dermot. His father wasn't
like that. You must be joking.
The only time I saw Redser in the
same room as flowers was his funeral!
No, Dermot's a romantic.
He gets that from me.
It's that time of year
and love is in the air.
I hate you! I hate you!
You can sit down!
I don't want to sit down!
Suit yourself!
Don't you worry. I will!
Like you always do...
I've had a good teacher!
That one's mine. And that one.
And I think this is mine.
You can think again.
That's buckin' mine.
There should be another
one with this.
It's a double album. Where is it?
I ate it! Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Mammy, did you hear that?!
I know. Come here. Ssh, now, now.
I know.
Me, a bastard!
Technically you're not!
Technically?! Oh!
Rory!
Granny!
Bono!
Oh, me little man,
let me look at you.
Ooh, now, what's all this?
I'm a Indian, Granny!
An Indian!
Here, little Indian, go in and play
with your grandad.
I'll be in to you in a minute.
Thanks for keeping an eye on him.
I won't be long at the dentist.
No problem. I love having him
around. He brightens up the place.
And you're going to be
longer at the dentist
than you think with
those buck teeth!
Hello, Ma. Hello, son!
Oh, what beautiful flowers.
Flowers? Who got them?
Maria. They came this morning.
Actually... Maria was delighted!
Was she? Yes.
Is it an anniversary or something?
No. Just because.
Och, that's so romantic. Isn't it?
Yeah. Very romantic.
I wish you'd do something like that
for me. You're not romantic at all.
He used to be...
before he married you!
Ma!
I'm just saying, you know.
You get married,
you forget things, you get so busy.
He forgets to get flowers,
she forgets to work out.
Saggy arse, pimples popping out,
teeth going bad,
wrinkles popping up everywhere,
you know...
Now, now, don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm sure Mr Brown loved you anyway!
Right, we'd better go.
Won't be long.
Take your feckin' time!
I haven't got feckin' wrinkles.
Ha-ha-ha, Bono!
What are you doing?
Now, Bono, if you're going to
do that to Grandad,
take the rubber tip off.
Is he your grandad? No, he's not
my grandad, he's my husband's daddy.
But I call him Grandad.
Among other things...
And I'm your daddy's mammy,
so you call me...
Granny! That's right.
And Daddy calls me...
Mammy! Yes!
And your mammy calls me...
An auld cow. An auld co...
Does she, now?
SHE LAUGHS
"Pyschic wanted.
"You know where to apply."
I'm ordering meself a pizza, Mammy.
Will I order you something?
Give me the menu. It's in Italian.
Will I just pick something for ya?
I'm well capable of ordering
for myself in any feckin' language!
Hello? I'd like to order
a delivery, please.
Mammy? I'm only after getting it!
Give me a feckin' second!
Yes, 92 James Larkin Court.
Brown. Er, a medium thin-crust
Hawaiian, please. Yeah, and, erm...
I'll have the pageone!
And a lasagne, please.
Thanks.
Excuse me. I said a pageone!
That's "page one".
Howya, Cathy.
You still having that
dream where I'm covered
in oil and you're
sliding up and down me?
I've never had a dream about you.
Ah! That was my dream.
Is Dermot here? No.
I'll call later. If you see him, will
you say I got that thing organised?
What thing? I have a friend...
We don't need to know.
Good night, Buster!
I'll see yous.
SHE SIGHS
What's up? I wish Rory and Dino
would stop fighting so much.
I don't think they understand
how much it upsets other people.
You could learn a lesson from that
yourself. I beg your pardon?
Sorry, will you give that
to your son?
I love you, Cathy. Piss off!
What do you mean,
I could learn a lesson?
I don't think you realise
how much you not
getting on with Mrs
Nicholson upsets Maria.
Here, what's in the envelope?
Two tickets for a weekend in Venice.
God! Dermot's gone romance mad!
Hasn't he?
Here, I've to pick me dress up
from the cleaners.
Hiya, Rory. You feeling any better?
HE SIGHS
I got to go.
Mammy, when the pizza comes, just
put it in the oven.
I won't be long. All right.
Dermot's taking Maria
off to Venice for the weekend.
Going to be going up and down
in their gonorrhoea.
I think you mean "gorgonzola".
You're right. Gorgonzola.
It's in the gorgonzola.
It's the gonorrhoea that rows it.
Rory, why are you so sad?
Rory, I wish there was something
I could do to make things better.
There's nothing. It's over!
I know... I could beat him up!
What?! No! I'm only joking.
But you didn't want anything to
happen to him all the same, did you?
See. You care. It's not over.
KNOCK AT DOOR
It's open!
Hey, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Barbara. Sit down.
How are you, Rory? I just dropped
over to see how you are. Not there...
He's not great, Barbara.
He's not great at all.
I don't blame you. That Dino is
a bitchy diva at times. Wha'?
DOORBELL RINGS
There's the Italian food.
I don't know how
I haven't killed him before.
He treats me like dirt sometimes.
Shouts at me like I'm a trainee.
Well... you are a trainee!
Hello, Dino! Hello, Mrs Brown.
I just called round to see
if I left my white jacket here.
Here, son.
Dino... how are you?
How am I? How am I?
I haven't slept for two days.
I've a blinding headache,
bags under my eyes
and last night I just curled up in
the corner and I cried like a baby.
I'm sorry I fuckin' asked now!
Dino...
Look, son, I know
I didn't take to you at first.
And I don't pretend to know too much
about Los Homos...
But I love my son.
And all I ever wanted
was for Rory to be happy.
And I have to say, I've never seen Rory
as happy as he is when he's with you.
HE MOUTHS
SHE MOUTHS
Dino...
why don't you come in, son?
Rory's in the kitchen.
He says he cares for you
but anyone'll tell you
he's always talking about
you behind your back.
And who would HE be, Barbara?
The cat's mother?
Hey, Dino!
I was just saying that the boss
doesn't realise how good Rory...
Yous both are, wasn't I Rory?
No, you weren't! You were
back-biting about the man I love!
I better go, so. Yes, you better.
Be in early in the morning,
Barbara.
I've a new sweeping brush
for you to try out.
Were you defending my honour?
Bit late for that.
Oh, Rory! Ah, Dino!
Oh, Jaysus!
Let's start again. A new beginning.
We'll go on a date!
DOORBELL RINGS
There's that feckin'
Italian food now!
I've a friend.
He owns an indoor horse-riding school.
I'll pick you up
Thursday, seven o'clock.
But I was never on a horse before. Ach!
Neither have I! It'll be an adventure!
He seemed happy.
We're going on a date!
See how relieved you are now
they're not fighting? Yes.
Wouldn't it be nice if
Maria could feel that way?
Ring Mrs Nicholson.
I don't think so.
I've dialled the number.
Speak to her!
Hello, Hidley?
Yes, how do do do?
It's Agnes.
Agnes Brown.
How many fuckin' Agneses
do you know?
Mammy!
Sorry.
No. Look, Hillary,
I was just thinking.
You know, we're going to have twins
in the family.
You're going to be one granny,
I'm going to be their real granny...
I just thought, you know...
I'd like to take you to dinner.
No, no, not here.
I'll take you out.
We'll go somewhere nice.
We come here all the time.
That's nice.
Would you like some ketchup?
No, thank you.
Here. Put them in your bag,
say nothing.
You'll have a drink, will you?
I have a sherry.
No, you'd have a DRINK, though. Mr
Foley, two pints of cider, please!
You're very lucky to have
your husband at home, Mrs Nicholson.
Yes, I suppose.
Mine's in hospital most of the time.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Thanks, Mr Foley.
Do you be gettin' it regular, now?
Winnie!
That's not the kind of question
you ask.
Getting what?
The bonky-bonky thing!
Where can one powder one's nose?
On one's face.
Oh, the toilet? It's back there.
BOTH: She's not getting it.
No, she's not.
So, how's Sharon?
She's taking cookery lessons now.
That's no harm.
Do you remember she tried to make
French toast and caught her
tongue in the toaster?
She made a carrot cake last night.
A carrot cake? How did it turn out?
She didn't grate the carrots.
What she feckin' needs is a man!
You're right, Agnes.
Especially her being a virgin.
Yeah!
Amazing time, losing your virginity.
Oh, it is! I remember it,
I remember mine. Oh, now!
I was sitting there,
me mother and father
downstairs looking
across from me.
I gave him a nudge, I said,
"Shall we sneak upstairs?
" So we sneaked upstairs.
Well, we... Hrrrr!
Oh, it was such fun,
and when we finished
everybody on the bus just clapped!
I remember mine. Oh?
Pictures first,
then home for a quiet drink.
I'd left the electric blanket on
so the bed was nice and cosy.
And afterwards, just lay there,
smoking me cigarette.
God, I was in heaven! I can imagine.
I only wish Jacko had been there!
We were just talking...
how did you meet Jonathan?
Well, I met him in France.
Ooooh! Winnie went out with a
French man once, didn't you? I did.
Really? What was his name?
Creme de Monty!
That's a liquor!
BOTH: Do you know him?!
Dermot sent Maria flowers.
Where is she? What?
Maria. Where did he send
the flowers to?
Our house, home.
But they both live there... why didn't
he bring them home and save a few bob?
You're missing the point, Winnie.
It's a surprise,
the romance of it all.
Ah, right.
Dermot's father
wasn't like that at all.
Ah, now, Agnes,
he did give you that surprise party!
That was his funeral!
Mr Foley! Another pint of cider
for the Queen of Sheba!
Howya, Maria. Is Dermot here?
No, he's still in work...
the shop's open till ten.
I'll call back later
and see him. Do you have to?
Do you have to call at all? What?
Every time Dermot tries to
go straight you turn up,
and he's back being
the master burglar.
Oh, thanks very much,
it's no bother!
It's not a compliment.
Just leave us alone.
Just go away and leave us alone!
SHE GROANS
OK.
AUDIENCE: Awww.
Will you give that to Dermot?
What is it?
I knew yous two
were looking for a place
and a friend of mine
just moved out of an apartment.
The rent's cheap.
That's the keys.
Buster...
Buster, look, I'm sorry.
Don't mind me. My hormones
are all over the place.
Do you want me
to help you look for them?
Howya, Dermot! Howya, Buster!
Uuurgh!
Are you all right, love?
She can't find her harmonica.
I think the babies are coming.
Jaysus! Jaysus!
Get the suitcase! The suitcase!
Call the ambulance! The ambulance!
Breathe, in and out, in and out!
Feel any better?
Bit dizzy, Dermot.
Not you!
Yes, it's easing.
Good! Dermot, you look very pale.
I'm grand.
Aaaargh!
Oooooh...
Eh...
It has two bedrooms
and there's a lift that goes...
Buster, go and get help!
Get help, get help...
HELP! HELP!
Buster, will you get someone?!
Get someone. Get someone...
JUST GO! I'm going!
ALL: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go...
ALL: Yes!
The winner!
Free drink for everyone!
Mrs Brown, you have to go home.
I'm having a good time, leave me
alone. No, you have to come now.
Buster, I don't remember
marrying you, now piss off!
They're coming! Who's coming?
The babies, they're coming! Winnie!
It's Maria's time!
Where's Dermot? He's at your house.
I think he's dead!
Winnie, come on, let's go.
You, get Hillary.
Where was I?
Breathe, in and out...
Aaaargh!
Oooh...
Maria, how far apart are the pains?
Oh, not too far, a few minutes.
Where's Dermot?
He's on the floor...
he's not able for this!
Winnie, we'd better
get things started. Right, Agnes,
I'll get hot water,
whisky, a lamp and newspapers.
Winnie!
I'm not feckin' John Wayne!
Just call an ambulance!
Mammy, thank God you're here!
Just relax.
Son, look after your wife.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
Mother, are you all right?
I'm fine, thank you.
Come on, I can take you!
Aaargh!
Ooooh...
Oh, God, Maria, are you all right?
She's fine, the babies are coming.
The babies are...
THE BABIES ARE COMING! Calm down!
THE BABIES ARE COMING! Calm down.
THE BABIES ARE COMING!
ECHOING THUMP
ECHOING THUMP
ECHOING CRACK
Maria, come on, lie down.
Everybody else, into the kitchen!
Come on, love, lie down.
Lie down, get your feet up.
Remember your classes -
breathe in, breathe out...
Can't see the telly!
Piss off, you!
Breathe in...
I can't see the telly!
Breathe in, breathe out...
Oh, Dermot, good man,
look after your wife.
What will I do?! Encourage her!
Go, Maria! Go, Maria!
Shut up, you moron! Aargh!
Mammy, have her waters gone yet?
No, not yet!
Uuurgh!
WATER GUSHES
Scratch that last message!
Give me a towel!
SIREN WAILS
Oh, you're here, thank God!
Maria, the ambulance is here.
Everything's going to be fine!
NOT HIM! HER!
Not her! THIS her!
Dermot, Dermot...
Dermot, son,
you go in the ambulance with Maria.
For God's sake,
don't you dare faint again, go!
She's close, five centimetres!
Aaargh!
She's close, five kilometres!
REPETITIVE TAPPING
Buster, stop it.
Sorry.
I'm not able
for this feckin' waiting!
Your father was great...
he was so cool.
I remember when I was in on Rory.
He just came in and said,
"Any news of the baby?"
I said, "He's two."
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Kieron? Yes, hold on, he's here.
Kieron, it's for you.
PHONE RINGS
Is that your phone? No!
Of course not...
you wouldn't be silly enough
to leave your phone on
in a feckin' studio!
It's OUR phone!
Hello?
Fuck's sake, Kieron!
REPETITIVE TAPPING
Stop, Buster!
Sorry.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Dermot!
Yes?
Hold on.
The first one was born
an hour ago... it's a boy!
Yes! Yes, love.
The second was born ten minutes
ago... it's another boy! Twin boys!
Yes!
I'm still here, love, yes.
You what?
Well, I...
They're expecting the third
any minute now.
Yes!
My God,
life doesn't get better than this!
Well done, Mammy!
I must bring her night
clothes in the morning.
And I'll bring her
flowers tomorrow.
They're not her flowers. They are...
the ones you got for Dermot.
I didn't get them for Dermot,
I got them for Mark.
For Mark?
DOOR OPENS
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oh, Rory, Rory, great news!
Rory, are you all right?
Ah, it's me back, Mammy,
I feel like I'm two foot tall.
Did you fall? No, Mammy.
Me and Dino were
up in the park, riding!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Three beautiful boys,
and they're the image of me.
That'll be the trauma of the birth,
Agnes.
It'll wear off.
Sorry.
Three beautiful new Brown boys!
You won't know yourself
with babies in the house.
I know! Mind you, they're
moving out shortly.
I should make the most
of it while I can.
Yeah.
Triplets!
What a way to end the series. Yeah.
What? This isn't the last episode?
Yes, it is.
But it can't be...
there's been no song!
You're right, Winnie!
We have a problem.
Well, just hold on.
First, I have a problem.
Betty, I didn't want
to upset Maria...
but I got those flowers for you.
I know.
And the tickets to Venice weren't
for Dermot and Maria
I got them for us.
I know.
And I'm fed up with being told...
You know?
Yes, Buster told me everything.
The hero again.
OK, then. Fine.
Sorry, Ma, what's your problem?
Well, it's much bigger than yours!
This is the last programme
in the series... we've no song!
I'll give you a song, Ma.
Mark, love, you can't sing.
Want to bet?
MUSIC: Macy Gray's "I Try"
# Games, changes and fears
# Where do they go from here?
# When do they stop?
# I believe that fate
has brought us here
# And we should be together, babe
# But we are not
# I play it cool
but I'm thinking of you
# I keep my cool, but I'm feelin'
ALL: # I try to say goodbye
and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near
# Goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near
# Goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near. #
You see?! It always works out
the way it's supposed to.
Good night!
One more time!
# I try to say goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near
# Goodbye and I choke
# Try to walk away and I stumble
# Though I try to hide it, it's clear
# My world crumbles
when you are not near. #
That's nice!