Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Mammy Pulls It Off - full transcript
Agnes is anxious to help Dermot and Maria,who are living with her,to get their own place so she tells the insurance company Grandpa has died so they can collect the money. This means every time the bell rings an agitated Agnes has to disguise her father-in-law as a table,though ultimately a claim assessor visits,detects the scam and threatens Agnes with prison. Fortunately somebody higher up in the insurance company has a relative who is looking out for Agnes and so she will not have to kill Grandpa after all.
Grandad wants to hear
all the nice things
said about him.
At his own funeral?!
I suggested we have a
pretend funeral and let
Grandad hear them.
We better ask the corpse.
Grandad, how would you like
to die on Friday?
Friday is grand!
Friday it is, then!
Hi, Grandad!
Don't talk to him.
He's fuckin' dead!
What's this?
It's Grandad's death certificate.
You don't need a death certificate.
Oh, yes, I do!
He's due 15,000 euro from his union
the day he dies.
He's retired 15 years. I'm flipped
if I'm waiting any longer!
Now let us
take a moment to remember him.
Would anybody like to say
a word in his memory?
OK, then!
GASPS
Has nobody got anything good to say?
He's... he's not dead!
No, he's not! He's alive.
Oh, my God... it's a miracle!
It's a miracle, Father!
'Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
APPLAUSE
Winnie, put the kettle on.
I just want to do Grandad's feet!
Hello! I'll be with you
in a couple of minutes.
Grandad,
are you ready for your pedicure?
Ah, good man. Give me a second.
Well, no sign of a flat
yet for Dermot and Maria,
but they are looking.
Agnes, can I ask a stupid question?
Better than anyone else I know!
Why do crabs walk sideways?
So they can do their song!
What?
# Oh, I do like to
be beside the seaside! #
Ah, right!
Well, you can't blame Dermot and
Maria for wanting to move out.
Foot!
NAILS SHOOT LIKE BULLETS
I love The Blue Planet.
I'm sure it loves you right back!
No, the programme, on the telly.
Oh, right!
Did you know penguins mate for life?
Of course they do.
They all look the same!
They're hardly going to leave
for a feckin' better looking one!
I suppose.
It would be nice if Trevor
could stay for the big event.
Oh, I never told you.
The big event! Maria's pregnant!
It's so feckin' exciting!
How's Sharon, Winnie?
Don't ask...
Why? What's up?
She has no boyfriend. What happened?
They wanted different things.
Sharon wanted the big
white wedding dress
and the honeymoon
in the Carrabini.
And what did he want?
He wanted to break up.
Well, that is feckin' different.
Oh, I better go. Get her up!
I'll call in later.
Oh, me life will be empty till then!
Morning, Mammy!
Hiya, Cathy. How's your Dick?
It's Mick!
And how are things there? Grand
thanks, Winnie. How's Sharon?
Not great. Jeez, better go,
she'll be late!
I'll call over her later
and see if she's OK!
Who's the letter from?
The insurance company...
about Grandad's insurance!
They say they want to investigate
his death. Why would that be?
Let me think...
Maybe because he's not dead!
Well, I blame Grandad.
I told him,
"Stop collecting your pension."
But would he listen? No!
This is serious, Mammy.
They're alleging fraud.
You could go to prison!
PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH
Piss off!
I better go.
Don't touch me. Dead man walking!
WASP BUZZES
Grandad, now, remember,
if anyone calls, you're dead!
OK!
WASP BUZZES
Winnie? Yes, Agnes?
Give us me flapper.
BUZZING STOPS
I'm dead!
Don't feckin' move!
Aarrgh!
Fastest flapper in the west!
Good shot, Agnes!
Ah, thanks, Winnie.
Ah, Jesus,
you should clean this thing, Agnes.
I tried, Winnie.
You can't get it off!
I'm sure I have stuff
that would clean this.
One of the products
they sent me to test!
I'll do it right now!
Thanks very much, Winnie!
DOORBELL RINGS
Cathy, Cathy!
Get that door will you please!
Ah, Mammy, I'm doing me make up!
It might be the insurance man
and I have to prepare Grandad.
Come on, Grandad!
Get down!
Oh, for God's sake, Mammy!
He's supposed to be feckin' dead!
Oh, it's YOU.
Jesus, Cathy, what happened to you?
Shut up, Buster Brady.
I'm getting ready for a date.
With who? The Lone Ranger?
Oh, get stuffed!
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Grandad!
I'm dead!
Is Dermo here?
No. Did you not get your insurance
money yet, Mrs Brown?
Not yet.
Oh, lovely. Two sugars please.
Don't be feckin' cheeky!
And what are you doing here anyway?
We haven't seen you
since the Christmas party!
I just popped around to say hello.
Well, you've said it. Now shag off.
I mean it, Buster Brady.
Every time your name comes up,
Maria gets upset
and I don't want her upset. Not now.
If she walks in
and sees you sitting there,
she'll go through the feckin' roof.
Oh, shite.
How are you, Maria?
Don't feckin' wave!
Are you pregnant, Maria?
No, Buster, it's a cyst!
A cyst?
Yes, a cyst.
A big lump of useless fatty tissue.
Ah yeah, my Ma had one of them.
Yes, she feckin' did!
Will you have a cuppa tea, love?
Oh, I'd love one...
and a biscuit or something.
And a biscuit. Thanks, Mrs Brown.
Maria, I wish you'd stop
calling me Mrs Brown. It's Agnes!
I'll have a biscuit, Agnes.
It's Mrs Brown to you!
And ask properly.
Sorry. May I have a biscuit please,
Mrs Brown.
That's better. Thanks. No!
Are you not talking to me, Maria?
Are you upset about the little incident
at the Christmas party? LITTLE incident?
You stole my mother's handbag.
I made a mistake, that's all.
What, you robbed it by accident?
Well, no, I didn't know it was hers.
All right, listen, I'm off.
Will you tell Dermo I called?
No. No.
Well, I'll just call round
and see him tomorrow so, see yis.
Maybe I was a little hard on him.
Do you think does he still steal?
Are you kidding me?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Well, he would
if there was a bear chasing him.
Thanks, Mrs Brown. You're welcome.
DOORBELL RINGS
Maria, get that door!
Grandad! Oh, Jesus Christ!
OK. Plan B!
Code red! Code red!
Hold on, Maria!
Go!
Hi, Mum!
Come in!
So what are you doing here?
I just picked up
the most beautiful mater...
nity dress!
I just couldn't resist it.
I wanted you to try it on.
Ah, thanks, Mum...
I'll try it on now.
Mrs Brown, it's my mother!
Hello, Hillary, how are you?
Sore shoulder from the tennis.
And you?
Oh, itchy crotch from the golf!
Oh, well a new baby's
so exciting, isn't it, Agnes?
Well, yes, it is but the excitement
wears off after six.
I don't even think I went
into hospital for the last one.
I just dropped it. Badump!
"Oh, look there's a baby.
Put it in the pram!"
Great fashion eye, Mrs Nicholson.
It looks well on her!
It's lovely, Mum, thank you.
Cuppa tea, Maria?
Sure. Tea, Mum?
No, thanks, I'm off.
I'm playing golf in an hour.
Oh, watch out for the...
OK, I'll see you tomorrow,
I'll call over after work!
You were right, Agnes,
even my stuff didn't clean it!
Ah, hello, Mrs Nicholson.
Hello, I'm just going.
Oh, here, Mrs Nicholson,
how do YOU clean the dead
flies off YOUR flapper?
What?!
I'll try bleach Agnes.
I'll dip your flapper in bleach!
BLEACH? I must be off...
It's such an exciting time,
childbirth!
Well, I've been excited six times!
I only had Maria,
but it was such a wonderful time.
Jonathan was so generous.
That's nice.
When he found out I was pregnant
he bought me this diamond ring.
That's nice!
And then when I was
five months pregnant
he took me away for the weekend
to Paris!
That's France!
That's nice.
And THEN when Maria was born,
he bought me a Mercedes Benz!
That's nice.
What did your husband buy for you?
He got me elocution lessons!
(LAUGHS) Didn't really work,
did they?
Actually, they did!
I used to say "Fuck off"...
but now I say, "That's nice."
Yes, I understand.
Yes, I'll tell her that.
I'll pass that on, goodbye.
Who was that?
A Mr Rooney. Claims adjuster
from Celtic Life Insurance.
Oh. What did HE want? He wants to
interview you. He's coming today!
I sent them the death certificate.
That's all that matters!
And HE knows he's dead,
don't you Grandad?
What?
You... dead!
Yeah... dead!
Mammy, look, this is really serious.
You're not going to get paid.
Grandad is NOT dead!
That's just a technicality!
It says Cadbury's Chocolate
on the side of buses
and they don't sell it!
I promised the money
to Maria and Dermot
to get them
started in a place of their own.
Well, you'll have to unpromise
them, then. No.
Mammy, never mind the money,
you could go to prison for fraud!
You're being ridiculous now, son!
I hope you're right!
Hi, there!
Hello, Maria. How was work?
Don't talk to me. I've never seen
A&E so busy! Hiya, Trevor.
Any word about going back
on the missions? Nothing yet.
Now we don't need to be
talking about that now.
Let's just thank God you're home.
I'll make you a sandwich, Maria.
No, I'm grand.
I've got some couscous.
Some what what?
Couscous. It's healthy.
Looks shit shit!
Don't worry about anything for
Dermot, I have a pesto pasta salad.
I'm after cooking some
Superquinn sausages!
No. The salad's better for him.
He'll have the sausages!
Oh, no, he won't!
I think I know what my son likes!
Well, I think
I know what's good for my husband!
I think I'll just go
and say a few prayers.
Chicken bastard!
Maria, look, I know you're only new
to being a wife,
but I'm cooking
for my children for years.
I know what Dermot likes.
Let's just leave it at that!
No, Mrs Brown,
let's not leave it at that.
What you fed your children
in the past was dictated
by budget and availability
but times have changed.
There's healthier options out
there now than everything fried.
Dermot will have the salad!
Dermot will eat the sausages.
Hello, everybody!!
Hello, son. Come on,
sit down in Mammy's chair.
Thanks, Mammy.
Hiya darling,
I got you a lovely salad.
Yeah! And once you've realised
you're not a white rabbit,
you can have some lovely
Superquinn sausages!
Right then, let's begin.
You have six offspring?
Yes. Five boys and a child.
And this is?
That's Gretchen, our exchange
student from Switzerland.
I see. And Grandad is dead?
(SOBS) Why do you keep
bringing it up?!
When did Grandad die?
If he'd lived till next Friday, he'd
be dead ten months. And he died of?
A Tuesday. Right.
What is this?
It's a toe nail.
It's all we have left of him.
Well, one of the problems
we are having Mrs Brown is
we can find no record
of Grandad dying.
Well, I sent in the death
certificate. Oh, this!
Yes, well, although this IS
the death certificate,
it was never officially registered
at the office of Births,
Marriages And Deaths.
Well, that's not my fault.
And actually,
I put it to you, Mrs Brown,
that this strange little girl
is in fact Grandad!
No, no that's Gretchen our exchange
student from Switzerland!
Hello, Mrs Brown!
How are you, Grandad?!
You feckin' ejit!
Well, that's that! Fair enough.
Thanks very much for dropping in.
No, hold on Mrs. Brown,
That is NOT that.
My company takes
a very dim view of your actions.
A false insurance claim
is a criminal offence.
I have to caution you,
you may be charged.
How much?
Charged in a court of law,
Mrs Brown.
You could go to prison!
Hold on there, pal. You can't talk
to Mrs Brown like that!
If you knew about this, you
could be charged as an accessory.
You could also go to prison.
Prison?
It was her.
See yas!
(SOBS) Prison?
EASTENDERS DRUM ROLL
You could become some big, butch
woman's bitch!
I beg your pardon, Sharon?
In prison!
You'll have to get a tattoo!
Sharon!
Shut up, Sharon!
You are not going to any prison,
Agnes Brown.
Thanks you, Winnie.
But I did check and the number 40
bus stops right outside,
so I'll have no problem visiting.
Well, thanks for the feckin' pep
talk! Will you stop, Winnie?!
Mammy, maybe you should get
a solicitor.
I tried. I called Mr McGocchi
of Hardy, Kunch and McGocchi.
Tom? Tom McGocchi?
Yes.
What did he say?
He's in prison.
I'm off to the toilet, who's coming?
I'll go with you, Winnie.
Are you comin' Sharon? No.
Maybe you should.
With your complaint.
What complaint?
She's anorexic.
Anaemic!
Oh, that's better.
Oh, Sharon,
I'm sorry about the break-up.
It's all right.
Plenty more fish in the sea!
Hiya.
Speaking about prison,
he's only out after 15 years.
What did he do?
He murdered his wife.
He's single!
Well, God help the feckin'
fish in the sea!
Hello, son! Hello, Maria love.
How are you?
I'm fine. I heard about the letter.
How are you? I'm OK.
Sharon. How are you, Dermot?
Could we have a quiet word
with me mammy?
Sure.
QUIET!
There you go, Dermot.
Sharon, family business. Feck off!
Mammy, we heard about
the insurance letter.
PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH
I said PISS OFF!
That sound goes
through me feckin' head!
We heard about
the letter, Mrs Brown.
I wanted to help you's
get a place of our own.
Don't worry about that, Mrs Brown.
We will get a place and actually,
I think we'd prefer to get it
ourselves.
Wouldn't we, Dermot?
Well, yeah, but if the money
was there... Dermot!
Yeah, we would. So don't you be
worrying about us, Mammy.
Let's just get this fraud
thing sorted.
Anyway, with you going to prison
there'll be a lot more room!
It'll probably just blow over.
I'm not sure, son.
Celtic Insurance are a big company,
and that man looked VERY serious!
Celtic Insurance? Yes.
Hmm. They are big.
Jaysus, all this just
cos Grandad is still alive!
Grandad!
I have some chocolate
eclairs for you!
No.
Come on, lovely chocolate eclairs.
You know you love them!
Come on, follow me
into chocolate eclair land!
Ooh, I'm going to
chocolate eclair land!
Grandad, look I mean it,
real chocolate eclairs, look!
No.
Who is that? I'm chocolate eclair.
I want somebody to eat me!
Come on Grandad, eat me!
Grandad, look, I mean it,
real chocolate eclairs!
Look, smell, smell, smell!
Mmm, Lovely!
PHONE RINGS
SPEAKS IN A STRAINED VOICE: Hello?
Hold on, Mick.
Cathy!
SHE WHEEZES
Cathy!
Mick the dick is on the phone!
Hi Mick. Oh, great.
Yes, Mick. Where are you?
Ah, that's just around the corner!
Cathy! Have you got a light?
In me handbag, Mammy.
No, don't get a coffee.
I'll meet you.
You can come here for a cup of tea.
Ah, for feck's sake!
Listen, I'm just slipping
out to meet Mick.
I'll be back in a few minutes,
all right? I said I'd...
I said...
I'd go down the shops with Winnie.
KNOCK ON DOOR
It's open, Winnie!
How are ye, Cathy?
How's it going with Mick the dick?
I wish you'd all mind
your own business!
Jaysus, she's in bad form.
She mustn't be getting it.
Maybe he hasn't shown
her his truncheon!
Here, are we going to the shops?
Let me finish me tea...
Here. Look.
Jaysus, where did you get them?
Cathy's handbag. They fell out!
Why Jesus, Winnie,
how times change.
So many different feckin'
kinds nowadays.
I remember when there was only
Wrigley's or Juicy Fruit!
I don't think they're chewing gum,
Agnes!
They're French Letters. Jaysus!
What's she doing, wearing them?
They're not for her,
they're for him.
That's the thing nowadays.
Girls do buy them, keep them handy.
Sensible I say.
I've never used one, Winnie.
No? No.
Redser wouldn't, he said it'd be like
having a bath with his socks on.
I'd have been happy
if he just had the feckin' bath!
Oh, look at that Winnie. Ah-choo!
That's disgusting Agnes!
Here, look,
what do you think of this?
I see he's a large!
Next patient please!
Oh, Winnie, I remember one night,
me and Redser walking
along the beach in Portmarnock.
He started chasing me
into the sand dunes.
So I was there
pretending to run.
And he caught me
and he threw me on the sand.
So I was lying there
and I said, "What do you want?"
And he said, "I want your knickers
around your ankles!"
I had to get them out of me feckin'
handbag and put them on!
Then he starts to...
And I go, "Will ya stop it?"
Why?
He was flicking sand up me arse!
There was a sandcastle there
when I was finished!
Those were the days!
Those were the feckin' days!
Winnie, imagine looking at a man's
willy wrapped in one of them.
It'd look like a little bank robber.
With one eye!
Gimme the fuckin' money!
Look who's here for a cup of tea!
We have to go down the shops.
Don't be so rude, Mammy!
Gimme a second to introduce Winnie.
She's already met him!
Not properly. Mick, this is my
mother's friend Winnie McGoogan.
Hello, Mrs McGoogan. Hello, son!
Hello again, Mrs Brown.
That's a condom on your hand!
Well, you can't be too careful with
some of the wankers you meet nowadays!
All right, Grandad,
your bath is ready.
Now, you get into that bath
and soak in the bubbles
and just lie back and relax
and let the whole world drift away!
Here, take that with you,
I'll be up in a minute.
Morning Grandad.
I'll look after this!
Mammy, what are you at?
I was only joking!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
One for you
from the insurance company.
And one for me,
from the Bishop's office!
What's that Trevor?
A letter from the Bishop.
They've nothing for me, I'll be here
at least another ten days. Great!
Well, you know what I mean, Trevor.
Well, go ahead Mammy. Read it.
You read it, son.
Dear Mrs Brown, it is the conclusion
of this company
that the insurance claim on the death
of Mr Brown is without foundation.
Oh, Jesus! No, wait, Mammy.
However, I've been
instructed by my supervisor,
Mr James Nicholson,
to take no further action.
Yes! Yippee! Yes!
Trevor, get the piranha
out of Granddad's bath!
What? I'm joking!
But go up and check that he's OK.
That's fantastic, Mrs Brown.
Isn't it?
Maria, his supervisor's name
is Mr Nicholson.
Your name is Nicholson!
So it is.
Isn't that a coincidence? I'll make
you a cup of tea, Mrs Brown.
I knew those bastards
wouldn't take me on!
It's lovely to have Grandad
back from the dead.
Mrs Brown, would you
like a biscuit?
No, thanks love. I'll have a cracker
with some couscous.
What?
People change! Good n...
Maria, don't open the feckin'
fridge!
LARGE EXPLOSION
all the nice things
said about him.
At his own funeral?!
I suggested we have a
pretend funeral and let
Grandad hear them.
We better ask the corpse.
Grandad, how would you like
to die on Friday?
Friday is grand!
Friday it is, then!
Hi, Grandad!
Don't talk to him.
He's fuckin' dead!
What's this?
It's Grandad's death certificate.
You don't need a death certificate.
Oh, yes, I do!
He's due 15,000 euro from his union
the day he dies.
He's retired 15 years. I'm flipped
if I'm waiting any longer!
Now let us
take a moment to remember him.
Would anybody like to say
a word in his memory?
OK, then!
GASPS
Has nobody got anything good to say?
He's... he's not dead!
No, he's not! He's alive.
Oh, my God... it's a miracle!
It's a miracle, Father!
'Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
APPLAUSE
Winnie, put the kettle on.
I just want to do Grandad's feet!
Hello! I'll be with you
in a couple of minutes.
Grandad,
are you ready for your pedicure?
Ah, good man. Give me a second.
Well, no sign of a flat
yet for Dermot and Maria,
but they are looking.
Agnes, can I ask a stupid question?
Better than anyone else I know!
Why do crabs walk sideways?
So they can do their song!
What?
# Oh, I do like to
be beside the seaside! #
Ah, right!
Well, you can't blame Dermot and
Maria for wanting to move out.
Foot!
NAILS SHOOT LIKE BULLETS
I love The Blue Planet.
I'm sure it loves you right back!
No, the programme, on the telly.
Oh, right!
Did you know penguins mate for life?
Of course they do.
They all look the same!
They're hardly going to leave
for a feckin' better looking one!
I suppose.
It would be nice if Trevor
could stay for the big event.
Oh, I never told you.
The big event! Maria's pregnant!
It's so feckin' exciting!
How's Sharon, Winnie?
Don't ask...
Why? What's up?
She has no boyfriend. What happened?
They wanted different things.
Sharon wanted the big
white wedding dress
and the honeymoon
in the Carrabini.
And what did he want?
He wanted to break up.
Well, that is feckin' different.
Oh, I better go. Get her up!
I'll call in later.
Oh, me life will be empty till then!
Morning, Mammy!
Hiya, Cathy. How's your Dick?
It's Mick!
And how are things there? Grand
thanks, Winnie. How's Sharon?
Not great. Jeez, better go,
she'll be late!
I'll call over her later
and see if she's OK!
Who's the letter from?
The insurance company...
about Grandad's insurance!
They say they want to investigate
his death. Why would that be?
Let me think...
Maybe because he's not dead!
Well, I blame Grandad.
I told him,
"Stop collecting your pension."
But would he listen? No!
This is serious, Mammy.
They're alleging fraud.
You could go to prison!
PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH
Piss off!
I better go.
Don't touch me. Dead man walking!
WASP BUZZES
Grandad, now, remember,
if anyone calls, you're dead!
OK!
WASP BUZZES
Winnie? Yes, Agnes?
Give us me flapper.
BUZZING STOPS
I'm dead!
Don't feckin' move!
Aarrgh!
Fastest flapper in the west!
Good shot, Agnes!
Ah, thanks, Winnie.
Ah, Jesus,
you should clean this thing, Agnes.
I tried, Winnie.
You can't get it off!
I'm sure I have stuff
that would clean this.
One of the products
they sent me to test!
I'll do it right now!
Thanks very much, Winnie!
DOORBELL RINGS
Cathy, Cathy!
Get that door will you please!
Ah, Mammy, I'm doing me make up!
It might be the insurance man
and I have to prepare Grandad.
Come on, Grandad!
Get down!
Oh, for God's sake, Mammy!
He's supposed to be feckin' dead!
Oh, it's YOU.
Jesus, Cathy, what happened to you?
Shut up, Buster Brady.
I'm getting ready for a date.
With who? The Lone Ranger?
Oh, get stuffed!
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Grandad!
I'm dead!
Is Dermo here?
No. Did you not get your insurance
money yet, Mrs Brown?
Not yet.
Oh, lovely. Two sugars please.
Don't be feckin' cheeky!
And what are you doing here anyway?
We haven't seen you
since the Christmas party!
I just popped around to say hello.
Well, you've said it. Now shag off.
I mean it, Buster Brady.
Every time your name comes up,
Maria gets upset
and I don't want her upset. Not now.
If she walks in
and sees you sitting there,
she'll go through the feckin' roof.
Oh, shite.
How are you, Maria?
Don't feckin' wave!
Are you pregnant, Maria?
No, Buster, it's a cyst!
A cyst?
Yes, a cyst.
A big lump of useless fatty tissue.
Ah yeah, my Ma had one of them.
Yes, she feckin' did!
Will you have a cuppa tea, love?
Oh, I'd love one...
and a biscuit or something.
And a biscuit. Thanks, Mrs Brown.
Maria, I wish you'd stop
calling me Mrs Brown. It's Agnes!
I'll have a biscuit, Agnes.
It's Mrs Brown to you!
And ask properly.
Sorry. May I have a biscuit please,
Mrs Brown.
That's better. Thanks. No!
Are you not talking to me, Maria?
Are you upset about the little incident
at the Christmas party? LITTLE incident?
You stole my mother's handbag.
I made a mistake, that's all.
What, you robbed it by accident?
Well, no, I didn't know it was hers.
All right, listen, I'm off.
Will you tell Dermo I called?
No. No.
Well, I'll just call round
and see him tomorrow so, see yis.
Maybe I was a little hard on him.
Do you think does he still steal?
Are you kidding me?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Well, he would
if there was a bear chasing him.
Thanks, Mrs Brown. You're welcome.
DOORBELL RINGS
Maria, get that door!
Grandad! Oh, Jesus Christ!
OK. Plan B!
Code red! Code red!
Hold on, Maria!
Go!
Hi, Mum!
Come in!
So what are you doing here?
I just picked up
the most beautiful mater...
nity dress!
I just couldn't resist it.
I wanted you to try it on.
Ah, thanks, Mum...
I'll try it on now.
Mrs Brown, it's my mother!
Hello, Hillary, how are you?
Sore shoulder from the tennis.
And you?
Oh, itchy crotch from the golf!
Oh, well a new baby's
so exciting, isn't it, Agnes?
Well, yes, it is but the excitement
wears off after six.
I don't even think I went
into hospital for the last one.
I just dropped it. Badump!
"Oh, look there's a baby.
Put it in the pram!"
Great fashion eye, Mrs Nicholson.
It looks well on her!
It's lovely, Mum, thank you.
Cuppa tea, Maria?
Sure. Tea, Mum?
No, thanks, I'm off.
I'm playing golf in an hour.
Oh, watch out for the...
OK, I'll see you tomorrow,
I'll call over after work!
You were right, Agnes,
even my stuff didn't clean it!
Ah, hello, Mrs Nicholson.
Hello, I'm just going.
Oh, here, Mrs Nicholson,
how do YOU clean the dead
flies off YOUR flapper?
What?!
I'll try bleach Agnes.
I'll dip your flapper in bleach!
BLEACH? I must be off...
It's such an exciting time,
childbirth!
Well, I've been excited six times!
I only had Maria,
but it was such a wonderful time.
Jonathan was so generous.
That's nice.
When he found out I was pregnant
he bought me this diamond ring.
That's nice!
And then when I was
five months pregnant
he took me away for the weekend
to Paris!
That's France!
That's nice.
And THEN when Maria was born,
he bought me a Mercedes Benz!
That's nice.
What did your husband buy for you?
He got me elocution lessons!
(LAUGHS) Didn't really work,
did they?
Actually, they did!
I used to say "Fuck off"...
but now I say, "That's nice."
Yes, I understand.
Yes, I'll tell her that.
I'll pass that on, goodbye.
Who was that?
A Mr Rooney. Claims adjuster
from Celtic Life Insurance.
Oh. What did HE want? He wants to
interview you. He's coming today!
I sent them the death certificate.
That's all that matters!
And HE knows he's dead,
don't you Grandad?
What?
You... dead!
Yeah... dead!
Mammy, look, this is really serious.
You're not going to get paid.
Grandad is NOT dead!
That's just a technicality!
It says Cadbury's Chocolate
on the side of buses
and they don't sell it!
I promised the money
to Maria and Dermot
to get them
started in a place of their own.
Well, you'll have to unpromise
them, then. No.
Mammy, never mind the money,
you could go to prison for fraud!
You're being ridiculous now, son!
I hope you're right!
Hi, there!
Hello, Maria. How was work?
Don't talk to me. I've never seen
A&E so busy! Hiya, Trevor.
Any word about going back
on the missions? Nothing yet.
Now we don't need to be
talking about that now.
Let's just thank God you're home.
I'll make you a sandwich, Maria.
No, I'm grand.
I've got some couscous.
Some what what?
Couscous. It's healthy.
Looks shit shit!
Don't worry about anything for
Dermot, I have a pesto pasta salad.
I'm after cooking some
Superquinn sausages!
No. The salad's better for him.
He'll have the sausages!
Oh, no, he won't!
I think I know what my son likes!
Well, I think
I know what's good for my husband!
I think I'll just go
and say a few prayers.
Chicken bastard!
Maria, look, I know you're only new
to being a wife,
but I'm cooking
for my children for years.
I know what Dermot likes.
Let's just leave it at that!
No, Mrs Brown,
let's not leave it at that.
What you fed your children
in the past was dictated
by budget and availability
but times have changed.
There's healthier options out
there now than everything fried.
Dermot will have the salad!
Dermot will eat the sausages.
Hello, everybody!!
Hello, son. Come on,
sit down in Mammy's chair.
Thanks, Mammy.
Hiya darling,
I got you a lovely salad.
Yeah! And once you've realised
you're not a white rabbit,
you can have some lovely
Superquinn sausages!
Right then, let's begin.
You have six offspring?
Yes. Five boys and a child.
And this is?
That's Gretchen, our exchange
student from Switzerland.
I see. And Grandad is dead?
(SOBS) Why do you keep
bringing it up?!
When did Grandad die?
If he'd lived till next Friday, he'd
be dead ten months. And he died of?
A Tuesday. Right.
What is this?
It's a toe nail.
It's all we have left of him.
Well, one of the problems
we are having Mrs Brown is
we can find no record
of Grandad dying.
Well, I sent in the death
certificate. Oh, this!
Yes, well, although this IS
the death certificate,
it was never officially registered
at the office of Births,
Marriages And Deaths.
Well, that's not my fault.
And actually,
I put it to you, Mrs Brown,
that this strange little girl
is in fact Grandad!
No, no that's Gretchen our exchange
student from Switzerland!
Hello, Mrs Brown!
How are you, Grandad?!
You feckin' ejit!
Well, that's that! Fair enough.
Thanks very much for dropping in.
No, hold on Mrs. Brown,
That is NOT that.
My company takes
a very dim view of your actions.
A false insurance claim
is a criminal offence.
I have to caution you,
you may be charged.
How much?
Charged in a court of law,
Mrs Brown.
You could go to prison!
Hold on there, pal. You can't talk
to Mrs Brown like that!
If you knew about this, you
could be charged as an accessory.
You could also go to prison.
Prison?
It was her.
See yas!
(SOBS) Prison?
EASTENDERS DRUM ROLL
You could become some big, butch
woman's bitch!
I beg your pardon, Sharon?
In prison!
You'll have to get a tattoo!
Sharon!
Shut up, Sharon!
You are not going to any prison,
Agnes Brown.
Thanks you, Winnie.
But I did check and the number 40
bus stops right outside,
so I'll have no problem visiting.
Well, thanks for the feckin' pep
talk! Will you stop, Winnie?!
Mammy, maybe you should get
a solicitor.
I tried. I called Mr McGocchi
of Hardy, Kunch and McGocchi.
Tom? Tom McGocchi?
Yes.
What did he say?
He's in prison.
I'm off to the toilet, who's coming?
I'll go with you, Winnie.
Are you comin' Sharon? No.
Maybe you should.
With your complaint.
What complaint?
She's anorexic.
Anaemic!
Oh, that's better.
Oh, Sharon,
I'm sorry about the break-up.
It's all right.
Plenty more fish in the sea!
Hiya.
Speaking about prison,
he's only out after 15 years.
What did he do?
He murdered his wife.
He's single!
Well, God help the feckin'
fish in the sea!
Hello, son! Hello, Maria love.
How are you?
I'm fine. I heard about the letter.
How are you? I'm OK.
Sharon. How are you, Dermot?
Could we have a quiet word
with me mammy?
Sure.
QUIET!
There you go, Dermot.
Sharon, family business. Feck off!
Mammy, we heard about
the insurance letter.
PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH
I said PISS OFF!
That sound goes
through me feckin' head!
We heard about
the letter, Mrs Brown.
I wanted to help you's
get a place of our own.
Don't worry about that, Mrs Brown.
We will get a place and actually,
I think we'd prefer to get it
ourselves.
Wouldn't we, Dermot?
Well, yeah, but if the money
was there... Dermot!
Yeah, we would. So don't you be
worrying about us, Mammy.
Let's just get this fraud
thing sorted.
Anyway, with you going to prison
there'll be a lot more room!
It'll probably just blow over.
I'm not sure, son.
Celtic Insurance are a big company,
and that man looked VERY serious!
Celtic Insurance? Yes.
Hmm. They are big.
Jaysus, all this just
cos Grandad is still alive!
Grandad!
I have some chocolate
eclairs for you!
No.
Come on, lovely chocolate eclairs.
You know you love them!
Come on, follow me
into chocolate eclair land!
Ooh, I'm going to
chocolate eclair land!
Grandad, look I mean it,
real chocolate eclairs, look!
No.
Who is that? I'm chocolate eclair.
I want somebody to eat me!
Come on Grandad, eat me!
Grandad, look, I mean it,
real chocolate eclairs!
Look, smell, smell, smell!
Mmm, Lovely!
PHONE RINGS
SPEAKS IN A STRAINED VOICE: Hello?
Hold on, Mick.
Cathy!
SHE WHEEZES
Cathy!
Mick the dick is on the phone!
Hi Mick. Oh, great.
Yes, Mick. Where are you?
Ah, that's just around the corner!
Cathy! Have you got a light?
In me handbag, Mammy.
No, don't get a coffee.
I'll meet you.
You can come here for a cup of tea.
Ah, for feck's sake!
Listen, I'm just slipping
out to meet Mick.
I'll be back in a few minutes,
all right? I said I'd...
I said...
I'd go down the shops with Winnie.
KNOCK ON DOOR
It's open, Winnie!
How are ye, Cathy?
How's it going with Mick the dick?
I wish you'd all mind
your own business!
Jaysus, she's in bad form.
She mustn't be getting it.
Maybe he hasn't shown
her his truncheon!
Here, are we going to the shops?
Let me finish me tea...
Here. Look.
Jaysus, where did you get them?
Cathy's handbag. They fell out!
Why Jesus, Winnie,
how times change.
So many different feckin'
kinds nowadays.
I remember when there was only
Wrigley's or Juicy Fruit!
I don't think they're chewing gum,
Agnes!
They're French Letters. Jaysus!
What's she doing, wearing them?
They're not for her,
they're for him.
That's the thing nowadays.
Girls do buy them, keep them handy.
Sensible I say.
I've never used one, Winnie.
No? No.
Redser wouldn't, he said it'd be like
having a bath with his socks on.
I'd have been happy
if he just had the feckin' bath!
Oh, look at that Winnie. Ah-choo!
That's disgusting Agnes!
Here, look,
what do you think of this?
I see he's a large!
Next patient please!
Oh, Winnie, I remember one night,
me and Redser walking
along the beach in Portmarnock.
He started chasing me
into the sand dunes.
So I was there
pretending to run.
And he caught me
and he threw me on the sand.
So I was lying there
and I said, "What do you want?"
And he said, "I want your knickers
around your ankles!"
I had to get them out of me feckin'
handbag and put them on!
Then he starts to...
And I go, "Will ya stop it?"
Why?
He was flicking sand up me arse!
There was a sandcastle there
when I was finished!
Those were the days!
Those were the feckin' days!
Winnie, imagine looking at a man's
willy wrapped in one of them.
It'd look like a little bank robber.
With one eye!
Gimme the fuckin' money!
Look who's here for a cup of tea!
We have to go down the shops.
Don't be so rude, Mammy!
Gimme a second to introduce Winnie.
She's already met him!
Not properly. Mick, this is my
mother's friend Winnie McGoogan.
Hello, Mrs McGoogan. Hello, son!
Hello again, Mrs Brown.
That's a condom on your hand!
Well, you can't be too careful with
some of the wankers you meet nowadays!
All right, Grandad,
your bath is ready.
Now, you get into that bath
and soak in the bubbles
and just lie back and relax
and let the whole world drift away!
Here, take that with you,
I'll be up in a minute.
Morning Grandad.
I'll look after this!
Mammy, what are you at?
I was only joking!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
One for you
from the insurance company.
And one for me,
from the Bishop's office!
What's that Trevor?
A letter from the Bishop.
They've nothing for me, I'll be here
at least another ten days. Great!
Well, you know what I mean, Trevor.
Well, go ahead Mammy. Read it.
You read it, son.
Dear Mrs Brown, it is the conclusion
of this company
that the insurance claim on the death
of Mr Brown is without foundation.
Oh, Jesus! No, wait, Mammy.
However, I've been
instructed by my supervisor,
Mr James Nicholson,
to take no further action.
Yes! Yippee! Yes!
Trevor, get the piranha
out of Granddad's bath!
What? I'm joking!
But go up and check that he's OK.
That's fantastic, Mrs Brown.
Isn't it?
Maria, his supervisor's name
is Mr Nicholson.
Your name is Nicholson!
So it is.
Isn't that a coincidence? I'll make
you a cup of tea, Mrs Brown.
I knew those bastards
wouldn't take me on!
It's lovely to have Grandad
back from the dead.
Mrs Brown, would you
like a biscuit?
No, thanks love. I'll have a cracker
with some couscous.
What?
People change! Good n...
Maria, don't open the feckin'
fridge!
LARGE EXPLOSION