Mr. Sunshine (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

(Man) He shoots! Scores!

(Buzzer blares, crowd cheers)

?

Thanks for the suite, Ben.
You're the best.

Yeah! Yeah!

Aw, you're welcome,
you drunken maniacs.

Whoo!

Excuse me.
Are you one of the players?

Oh, no. My job
is much better, big guy.

You know what I do, is I'm
in charge of this entire arena.

Every night,



17,505 people come here
expecting to have a good time,

and I make sure they do.

Are you one of the players?

What? I just told... what
the hell's the matter with you?

(Cell phone rings and beeps)

Yeah.

Right.

Well, you tell Springsteen
that I'm the boss

of this arena.

(Man speaks indistinctly)

Don't tell him that. Tell him
he gets whatever he wants.

(Crowd cheering)

Have you seen a really hot
marketing executive anywhere?

Where you been, dude?
I got a meeting after the game.



How much time do we have?

8 minutes, 13 seconds.

I can get a lot done
in 8 minutes and 13 seconds.

Really?
I mean, I may not be able

to break out any of my special moves.
Oh, which one of your special moves

is when you look up and say,

"I'm sorry. I don't know
what just happened?"

She's funny.
She's a funny girl. (Laughs)

(Crowd cheering)

Hey, buddy. So you want
to do this or what?

I do. I really do.
(Jewelry clatters)

(Indistinct crowd noise)

I'm seeing other people.

I'm seeing other people, too.

?

(Camels braying)

Happy Birthday, Ben.

Thanks.
How do you know that?

?

Morning.

?

(Objects clatter)

Okay.

?

Happy Birthday, Ben.

(Animals growling)

?

(Animal roars)

(Bell dings)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, you're the head
maintenance guy, right?

Yes. And your name is Bob...
Bobinson... Bobert?

Yes. Really?
Your name is Bob Bobinson Bobert?

Two years ago, you told me you
only wanted to hear me say yes.

It's tricky because you don't
always ask yes or no questions.

Well, forget about that
for now.

The circus is here tonight,
and if there's ice on the floor,

some of the fire-eaters
may slip and fall

and impale themselves on their
sticks that are on fire

in front
of all the nice children.

Do you understand?

Yes. Well, now I don't know
whether you're still doing

that thing or not.
The hot water pump is broken.

Why aren't you rushing to fix this, bobert?
You also told me to never run in the hallway.

Forget about the conversation
we had two years ago.

Okay. Would you gather
everyone together

and figure out a way
to melt the ice, please?

(Cell phone chirps and beeps)

Oh, no, no, no, no.
She wants to talk.

That's never good, bro.

Just melt the ice, Bobert.

(Men) ? Mr. Sunshine ?

♪ yay ♪

?

(Woman) Benjamin!
Get in here.

Quickly. Quickly.
Quick as you can.

Quick. Quick. Quick.

Uh, Crystal,
before you get upset

and start firing everybody,
I'm on the ice thing.

Have you seen
a small white pill

with some Spanish
written on it?

I may have misgauged
your level of concern.

Or did I already take the pill?

Hello.

(Dial tone drones)

Yeah, I think you've
already taken the pill.

I just hate it when the circus
is here. Clowns terrify me.

Are they happy?
Are they sad?

Why are their pockets so big?

(Sighs)
What are we talking about?

I believe you are talking about clowns.
I do not like them, Benjamin.

(Singsongy) Good morning,
beautiful people.

Good morning, Alonzo.

You're in an impossibly
wonderful mood again today.

(Normal voice) Every day is a beautiful
day, my friend. Really, every day?

Mm-hmm. What about the day you missed
the buzzer shot in the finals,

and shortly after that,

our franchise moved
all the way to Cincinnati?

Ben, that was
the most beautiful day.

That was the day I stopped
caring about myself and started

my life of service to
the great people of San Diego.

Right, right.
But didn't, later that night,

the great people of San Diego
throw your car into the bay?

Yes, they did. Out of their
collective sorrow, they ban...

you missed the shot!
He missed the...

(Whirring) What are you doing?

(Panting) I gotta get this pill
outta my system.

What's happening
with my charity event today?

Char-charity... what...

I invested rather heavily

in an illegal
Himalayan dog track.

One of the dogs allegedly
bit a Himalayan.

Anyway, I've got a Himalayan
nightmare on my hands.

And to counter the negative press...
(Grunts)

And improve her standing
in the community,

both here and in the Himalayas...
(Grunts)

Crystal Cohen has generously
offered to donate $50,000

to an inner-city youth group.
Can't we use that money to make this place nice again?

Well, you are the owner,
so we should do what you say.

Oh, wait a minute.
I'm the owner.

See that oil painting of me?
They don't do oil paintings

of people who don't own things, Benjamin.
Now, Alonzo. Hmm?

Make sure you have a good mix
of kids for the photo-op.

You know, black, white.

The Himalayas are in Asia, right?
Mm-hmm.

Get me an Asian kid.

Oh, and I'm gonna need
some kind of a trophy.

Have the Asian child
hand me some kind of a trophy.

You're right to clap,

because these are all
very strong ideas.

(Mouths words)

Oh, Benjamin, I almost forgot.
My son is in your office.

You... your son? You have a son?
We're not close. Find him a job.

Melt the ice. Happy Birthday.
(Blows kisses)

(Alonzo) Wow.
Yeah.

So how is your new assistant
working out?

Oh, Heather? Uh, she's great.

Thank you for her, by the way.

Always on time, very sweet.
Okay.

Remind me again, though.
What did she do?

She... she lit a man on fire?

There was an investigation.
The evidence was inconclusive.

Uh, yes.

But the guy's okay, though,
right?

Well, s-she did light him
on fire, so...

He's not great.

A-a-al-al... Alonzo...

What do you think it means
when a girl sends you a text

that says "we need to talk"?

That's funny. I'm going
through something similar.

Uh, I think it means you have
an opportunity to get closer.

What's better than that?

Yeah, that's what I think, too.
(Chuckles)

Happy Birthday, little man.

Thanks. "Little man"?

Oh!

Good morning, Heather.

Good morning. Hey, could you
do me a favor and find out

who put "Happy Birthday, Ben"
up on the scoreboard?

I did.
Oh, well, I love it.

And I'll tell you
why I love it.

Because it promotes
a sense of family,

a family that would never
harm one another.

Hey, Ben!

Oh, God! Jeez. What?

(Lowered voice) There's a guy in
your office, and he's gorgeous.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Was somebody else
in here with you,

somebody maybe a little more
attractive than you are?

No.

Okay. I'm Ben.

I'm Roman.

So you're Crystal's son.
That must be terrible for you.

Yeah.
It has not been fantastic.

Okay. Well, we have to
find you a job.

So, uh, what are your interests?
What are your skills?

Mm. Mm. Interests?

Well... I like boats.

I like how they float
on the ocean.

Okay.

And I like Mafia movies.

Uh, as for my skills...

Okay. Well, this is
a very exciting place.

We've got
political conventions, sports,

the rodeo, lingerie football,
motocross.

Does any of that
interest you at all?

I do not know what two
of those things are. Hi.

Hi.
Remember me?

I sent you three texts, and you
didn't return any of them.

I'd think after five months
of sleeping together,

you'd know how much
dangling texts drive me crazy.

Look, I-I know we said
we hate commitment.

And I signed up for this
"friends with benefits" thing.

But this morning, I woke up
at your place, alone,

which means you snuck out
of your own apartment.

And I couldn't find
my underwear

until I pulled them out of my
purse while paying for coffee.

And although I did get a free
coffee, I need more... (Laughs)

(Chuckles) Who is this?

That's Roman.
He likes boats.

And Mafia movies,
I like those, too.

Hi, Roman. I-I'm Alice. I-I...
I'm the marketing director here.

I-I didn't see you there. No, yeah.
I get that all the time.

Well, you and I
really need to talk.

Yes, we do,

because it's an opportunity
to get closer.

And what's better than that?
What are you doing?

I don't know.
Okay.

Okay, this is as far away
from my office...

(Sneezes) As I could think of.

I mean, this is a good
job opportunity for you.

I'll see you
at the Christmas party.

Hey, Ben. There's an elephant
loose in the building.

Oh, you can't possibly
mean that.

Say it in Spanish.
I speak a little Spanish.

Un elefante está suelto
en el edificio.

Yeah, I don't understand
what you just said.

(Elephant trumpets)

Well, actually,
your English is pretty good.

And also, oh, no.

Elephant?

Here, boy.
Here, big, big, big boy.

Oh, Crystal.
(Tires squeal)

You may want to go back
to your office.

There's an elephant loose in the building.
I need you to go over my speech for the charity event.

Did you hear what I just said?

I did not.

(Pats seat and rustles papers)

Okay. Let me see
the speech.

(Tires squeal)

I don't think you should open
with "yay, black kids."

Well, when should I say it?

I don't think
you should say it at all.

And I would also cut the song.

Oh. Well, see? This is good.
This is the process. (Tires squeal)

There's still ice out there.

Yeah, I know.

So what are you gonna do
for your birthday? Any plans?

No. You think it's sad

that I'm gonna be alone
on my birthday?

Well, it doesn't seem sad
to me.

That's the way
you set your life up.

You never wanted someone to be
emotionally dependent on you,

wondering how you are,
where you are,

kissing you good-bye
in the morning,

waiting for you to get home
at night. You're an island.

What better day to celebrate all that
than on your birthday? Yeah, yeah.

But on your birthday, you throw
huge parties for yourself.

Well, sure. I need reminders

that I'm not just floating
in this world all by myself.

I need to know
that I'm not gonna be alone.

You don't need that. You're young.
What are you, 31, 32? I'm 40.

Ooh.

(Equipment whirring)

I'm not sure what to do now.

I'll get out,
and you can just drive away.

(Chuckles) Thanks.

♪ Oh, the blacks and the whites
and the asians and the... ♪

Don't sing the song.

(Tires squeal)

Hi.
Oh, hey.

- Listen, I-I... I was, uh... this isn't...
- Ben, this isn't g...

can I go first?
I'd really like to go first.

I think we should go to dinner
tonight for my birthday.

I think that's
a very good step for us.

I-I like... I like you.

And I think we should
be together.

I'm ending this with you.

Why did you let me go first?

- Can I just, uh, uh...
- Try to understand that... that I...

You go first. In all future
conversations, you go first.

We were seeing other people,
remember?

Well, for me, other people
is... Al-Alonzo.

Alonzo? He's my best friend.

You hate Alonzo.
Oh, I do hate Alonzo.

For a while now, he's wanted
me to move in with him.

He wants more of a commitment.
He wants more of a commitment?

This is a man
we're talking about, right?

Oh, very much so.
(Mutters)

Look, Ben...

Alonzo is a grown-up.
He cares about other people.

He asks me questions
about myself

and actually listens
to the answers.

Oh. Well, you know what
he sounds like to me?

A stupid idiot.
I'm surprised this is even bothering you.

Well, what bothers me is,
I thought we were the same.

When you said you were
emotionally broken,

I believed you. Hey, Alice.
Will you unzip me?

No.
I dropped a taco in here.

Just get out.
It's starting to really smell.

What did he say
when you told him?

He was already
a very happy man.

This must have made
his head explode.

I haven't told him yet.
But I will.

Hey, you know what?
Don't tell him anything.

Move in with me. We can do
the committed thing.

And, uh, we can hold hands
or talk to each other

or whatever you want to do.
(Laughs) Oh, God.

What are you doing? Why are
you making those sounds?

Honey, I-I'm not
the answer for you.

You're sweet, and you're
really fun to be around.

But no one is the answer
for you,

because you only
think about yourself.

(Man) Aah!

What was that?

I think it was
the inside of my head.

I can't be a fry cook.

Let's go.
There's an elephant loose,

the ice won't melt,
your borderline-racist mother

is speaking to a group of
ethnic children in 20 minutes,

and you now are apparently
just always around.

Looks like it.

(Sighs) Alice is gonna commit
to Alonzo

and live happily ever after.
Aw.

Aww.

You know
what the worst part is?

She's making the right decision.
She's completely right about me.

I don't care about anyone
other than myself.

Tell me something about you.
Well, um... I'm really nervous

'cause I haven't seen my mom in a
long time... yeah. See? I don't care.

I find it virtually impossible
to care about any of that.

All of a sudden, I want
to make a connection,

and I don't have
the first clue how to do it.

I'm in trouble, man.

Hey. Do you know the song
"Rainbow Connection"?

Kermit the frog, right?

Yeah.

Well, what about it?

Uh, it's just
a really good song.

(People speaking indistinctly)

Come on, man.

(Laughs)

Okay.
That's him. That's him.

Everyone say "sunshine."
(All) Sunshine.

Sunshine.
(Camera shutter clicks)

Okay. Who wants to see
the camels?

I know I do.
How about you?

Hey, Ben.

(Ben and Roman) Hey.

He is really appealing.

Uh, hi.

Do any of you guys
know how to use an axe?

(Clowns) Yeah. Sure.
We're clowns.

Come on, clowns.

Get it. Get it.

We're gettin' there.

Gettin' there.

(People speaking indistinctly)

(Amplified voice)
Good afternoon.

For almost three decades...
Okay. Here we go. You ready?

Where's the Asian kid?

I specifically requested
an Asian kid.

There's an Asian kid
right there.

I'm ready. (Alonzo) ...
Continuing in that tradition of generosity,

I give to you the remarkable,
awe-inspiring Crystal Cohen.

(Chuckles) Alonzo.

(Kisses) Yes. Yes.

(Camera shutters clicking)

(Amplified voice) Thank you.

(Laughs)

Stop. Stop.

They have stopped.

People often ask me
why I love children so much.

Well...

Maybe it's because I never
had one of my own.

I believe
that our children's happiness

is the true marker
of the kind of people we are

and the society
we want to live in.

Their well-being
is of the utmost importance

as they are our future.

And when you ask them
to get things for you,

they do it with enthusiasm.
(Chuckles)

Or maybe it's something
I've come to believe

as I've gotten older...

that a life lived
only for one's self is empty.

Only when I... Finally
looked outside of myself

and recognized
the needs of others

did I begin to become
the kind of person

I wanted to be.

(Chuckles) I wasn't going to,
but I think I need to sing

a little song I wrote
for this occasion.

Uh-oh.

♪ Oh, the... ♪

♪ Blacks and the Whites
and the Asians ♪

♪ and the Himalayans, too ♪

Oh. (Clears throat)

♪ The middle eastern Indians ♪

♪ and all of the Jews ♪

(Ben) Well, aside from
the musical portion,

that was unbelievably moving.

Sometimes it's a real pleasure
to work for you.

I'm crazy high right now.

(Camera shutter clicking)

Okay, all right.
Scoot in a little bit.

On three, everyone say,
"thank you, Crystal Cohen."

Okay? Big smiles.
Big smiles. That's good.

Ready? One...

Two...
(Clowns speaking indistinctly)

Oh, my God!

Clowns with axes!
Clowns with axes!

(Children screaming) Clowns with axes!
Clowns with axes! Oh!

(Thud)
Oh, God! Clowns with axes!

(Camera shutters clicking)

Clowns with axes!

What an almost beautiful, beautiful moment.
(Door slams)

Hi. I noticed you took off
a little early.

You okay?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Good. Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Hi.

Uh...

A very smart woman

pointed out to me earlier today

that I may not always
be the best

at noticing or caring

what's going on
with other people,

so I'm just gonna
ask you again.

A-are you okay?

I'm a little scared.

Well, uh... yeah.

You know,
you've gotta be wondering

if you're picking
the right guy.

Oh, I'm 100% sure
I'm picking the right guy.

Oh, right.

Well, what a wonderful,
wonderful moment.

(Laughs)

I've never done this before.

What if I'm not ready?

What if he just thinks
he wants me?

What if after he gets me,
he doesn't want me anymore?

Of course he's gonna want you.

You're beautiful...

And you're smart.

You're everything.

You're everything.

You know, maybe what you need
right about now is a friend,

and I could be that for you.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

(Sighs)

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Hey, you know, we could
have sex one last time.

That's, uh...

That's not a good idea at all.

(Circus music playing)

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, Crystal.

I see on the schedule

John Cougar Mellencamp is
playing here next Wednesday.

I'd very much like
to make love to him.

I will see what I can do.

I just spoke
to the photographer,

and this is the picture
they were gonna go with

in tomorrow's paper.

Ooh. Look at my arms.
Pilates is paying off.

Yes.
May I direct your attention

to the terrified child
you're hurling through the air?

Oh. Well, missed that.

In any case,

this is what I've convinced
them to go with now.

- Aw. It looks like I'm hugging him.
- That was the thought.

- How much?
- More than when you kicked the policeman.

- Less than when you sank the mayor's boat.
- Great.

Great.

While I have you,

I'd like you to sit down
with someone

who's childlike enthusiasm
and loyalty

is gonna make him
a terrific asset

here at the sunshine center.

(Elephant trumpets)

Get in the cart.
Get in the cart.

(Cheers and applause)

I'm sure you two have
a lot to talk about.

(Mouths words)

- Hi, mom.
- Hello, son.

Wonderful.

Happy Birthday, Ben.

Thanks.

Hey.

What's your name?

Dan.

Dan. Thanks, Dan.

Already forgot it.

Hey, Ben.
Have you seen Alice?

Uh, yeah.
She's up in her office.

I was just talking to her.
Not about anything important.

Just a work thing.

- There's an elephant in the room...
- Yeah, I know.

Ben...
(Elephant blows it's trunk)

Oh, I see what you mean.

What do you do in a situation like this?

You know what,
I-I'm gonna run for my life.

Yeah, I'll do that too.
(Elephant blows trunk loud)