Mr. Sloane (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Meet Mr. Sloane - full transcript
"# For he himself has said it"
"# And it's greatly to his credit"
"# That he is an Englishman"
"# That he is an Englishman"
"# For he might have been a Roosian"
"# A French, or Turk, or Proosian"
"# Or perhaps Itali-an!"
"# Or perhaps Itali-an!"
"# But in spite of all temptations"
"# To belong to other nations"
"# He remains an Englishman!"
"# He remains an Eng`Eng-Eng-Eng
"# Englishman! #"
Oh!
Watford 0-5-7-9.
Hello, Ross.
Nothing much. You?
What time?
OK, I'll see you there.
Right, cheers.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, shit.
# Because he gets up in the morning
# And he goes to work at nine
# And he comes back
home at five-thirty
# Gets the same train every time
# And he's, oh, so healthy
# In his body and his mind.
# He's a well-respected
man about town
♪ Doing the best things
so conservatively ♪
# "A Well Respected Man"
- The Kinks
There he is, the late Mr Sloane.
Where have you been, son?
Sorry, I got hung up
on a broken pipe.
What's with the plaster
on your head?
Were you getting roughed up by
some wild tart when I rang? Who?
No, I banged it on a cupboard.
Silly, isn't it? Oh, yeah?
That same cupboard that
gave you that love bite you're
trying to hide under your shirt?
Oi, oi! It's not a love bite. It's
a shaving rash. Oh, is it? Right.
Here you go, mate.
This pint's yours.
Ooh! Thanks, Beans, but
I think I'm just going to have
a half tonight, actually.
"Hi Ho Silver Lining"
- Jeff Beck
Sloaney, what's wrong?
Nothing's wrong.
Just trying to cut back a bit,
that's all.
Oh, you had us
going there, mate. Good one.
There'll be no cutting back
on anything. We've got
a double celebration on our hands.
Oh, Reg, Reg, Reg, Reg.
Don't be daft, he won't mind.
I won't mind what?
Our mate, Mr Ross Baynard here,
after nine years hard labour
at Lynch and Saunders...
Which I owe all to Sloaney.
Cheers to that.
Anyway, our mate has now received
a well-earned promotion to...
What is it again, Ross?
Supervising Accounts Manager.
Supervising Accounts Manager,
whatever that means.
Wow! That's really great.
Listen, Sloaney,
I hope this isn't awkward for you.
No. Why would it be?
Well, you know,
I know this was the
promotion that you were up for
before you, you know...
Um, look, it's not
like I was vying for it.
It's brilliant.
You know, it's like keeping it
in the family. Yeah.
Cheers, well done. Cheers.
Cheers, thanks, Sloaney. Well done.
Daddy, I'm tired
and I have school tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, sorry, son.
OK, let daddy get his car keys.
All right, Brian?
Hey, Brian. Hi, fellas.
There you go, son.
Wait in the car for daddy.
I'll just be another
hour or so, OK.
Oh, and if you get cold,
the dog blanket is in the boot.
I know.
See you, Brian.
See you, Brian.
It's great being a dad. Mm, what
was the second piece of news?
Oh, yeah, Reggie's getting married.
Huh?
I said, Reggie is getting married.
Oh yeah, right.
Julie and I are getting married.
Well, that is a surprise.
I know. I know I said
I'd never get married again
after Nancy but I still feel about
Julie the same as the day I met her.
Well, it's been what two weeks?
Almost three. Almost three.
I'm sorry, my mistake. At least I've
been having fun since being single,
not always whingeing on
like some people. You.
I'm not single. Merely separated.
When Janet sorts herself out,
we'll be back better than ever.
Do you really think Janet's going
to turn up at your front door after
all this time? Yeah, well, why not?
She's only just gone to find herself.
Find herself. Yeah, yeah.
Still don't know what that means.
Sloane and I are the lucky ones,
right, Sloaney? Mm.
We got our freedom. We don't
have to answer to nobody. Beans!
Your mum wants you home. I'm off.
Hang on, Beans. I've got a toast.
This is an auspicious time for us.
New jobs, new wives, a new decade.
The 1970s will soon be upon us and
our youth will soon be behind us.
So let's enjoy it while we can
but let's do it together.
Together. Together.
Together, cheers. Cheers.
Right, I'm off. See you later.
Mm.
Waste not want not.
"Do you know why policemen were
originally called Peelers?"
"# The Stripper""
"# God Save The Queen"
# Long live our no...
♪ ..ble queen
God save Queen ♪
Ohhhh!
Huh!
Would you like to sit down?
Oh, no, thank you, that's very kind.
I'm getting off at the next stop.
Hmm. When's it due?
Excuse me?
Your little arrival.
When's it due?
I'm not...
Nothing is due. I'm prone to bloat.
And you are very rude!
I beg your pardon.
Please mind your own business.
Well done.
Thank you for the show of support.
It was like a car crash
happening in slow motion.
I was powerless to stop it.
I can tell by your solemn demeanour
that you regret not coming to my aid.
I think the rule of thumb is never
ask a woman if she's pregnant,
even if her waters have just broken.
Yeah, sage advice.
I'd do well to remember that.
Spanner. All right,
I already said it was a mistake.
Seven down.
"Wrench with fixed jaws."
Ah, yes.
Thank you very much.
Though, to be honest,
I'm not really doing it properly.
I just like to sit
on public transport
filling in random words
so strangers think I'm clever.
It's obviously very effective.
Um, I'm Jeremy, by the way.
Janet. Hello.
Well, this is where I get off,
said the actress to the bishop.
I know. You know? I'm on this
train every morning, I see you.
I see. Well, likely, I'll see
you again then. We'll see.
Hmm. Have a good day.
Huh!
Ha!
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning, tosser.
That's Mr Tosser to you,
dear minion.
Sorry, no disrespect intended.
Good morning, Mr Tosser.
That's better.
You're here awfully early.
Your greyhound's not running today?
I wanted to finish the Kenton
profit and loss, on your desk.
Wow!
Yes. Yeah, very fast.
- You didn't hire me just because I was good looking, did you?
- Not just, no.
Morning, boys. Morning.
Morning, Mr Saunders.
How's the new chap working out?
Ah, well I'm afraid
we may have to let him go, sir.
He's a little too
ambitious for my blood.
Well, that's good enough for me.
Baynard, you're sacked.
Everything else all right?
Yes. I'd say more than all right.
Ooh, well that sounds intriguing.
Care to extrapolate?
Actually, something happened
to me on the Tube this morning.
Well, go on, son.
I think I met a girl.
Sloaney, that's brilliant.
You think you met her,
or you think she's a girl?
Well, both, I hope.
Excellent news.
I was starting to get worried
about you, Sloane. My advice?
Marry her. Well, I might
have to ask her out first.
Ooh, it's a mere technicality.
Look, I know you, Sloane.
You're meant to be married.
You need regularity,
stability, predictability. Yeah,
this sounds like kismet to me.
Kismet.
I mean, look at Ethel and I.
We were perfectly happy for 20 years
and then we met.
He always does it. Well, come along,
boys, time is money. Yes.
Yes, absolutely. Jeremy Sloane,
you old dog. What's her name?
Her name is Janet.
Janet. Look at us, Sloaney.
The gods are really
smiling down on us.
I'm finally employed,
me and Sandra have got baby Brian,
Reggie and Nancy are married,
Beans is looking to move
out of his mum's house,
and now you and Janet. The '60s are
going to be our decade, my son.
I can feel it. Pub tonight?
No, I'm trying to cut back. I think
this beer's keeping me weighty.
All right, fine.
What's a pint with friends?
I can cut back tomorrow.
That's more like it.
Hey, back to work, please.
All right, Mr Tosser.
What?
Oh!
Watford 0-5-7-9.
"Yes, is this Mr Jeremy Sloane?"
Speaking.
"Mr Sloane, this is Lucille Bates,"
"deputy head of St Paul's
Primary School in Harrow."
"Hello?"
Yes. Yes, I'm sorry.
"We received your CV
a few weeks ago."
"It so happens we have
a teacher absent today
and nobody available
to take her class."
"Would you possibly
be interested in filling in?"
Certainly. What time?
"School starts at 8:45."
"You should arrive at 8:30 to be
briefed by Headmaster Whitmore."
Right, lovely.
# Rising early in the morning
# We proceed to light the fire
# Then our Majesty adorning
Hmm! Argh!
# In its work-a-day attire
# We embark without delay
# On the duties of the day
# Oh, philosophers may sing
of the troubles of a king
# But of pleasures there are many
and of troubles there are none
# And the culminating pleasure
that we treasure beyond measure
♪ Is the gratifying feeling
that our duty has been done ♪
Oh, Mr Sloane?
Ah, shit.
Mr Sloane.
Hello, Mrs Wyndham.
Hello, Nigel.
You're up bright and early today.
Yes, first day of a new job.
So if you'll excuse me...
How exciting. What is it?
It is teaching, Mrs Wyndham.
Now if you'll excuse me. Sounds like
you were quite late home last night.
Yes, well, my book group are reading
War And Peace so we overran a little.
What's happened to your forehead?
I banged it on a church pew
whilst genuflecting.
Now I really have to go, Mrs Wyndham.
Any word when Mrs Sloane will be
back from visiting her sick mother?
Any day now, any day. Well, I'm off.
Oh! I almost forgot.
This came for you yesterday,
all the way from America.
I signed for it since you weren't
here. Thank you, Mrs Wyndham.
It's from the Academy of the Mind.
Now what on earth could that be?
It's just... It's some foreign
language tapes I've been expecting.
What language are you studying?
Parlez-vous francais?
"Success Is Yours." Hm.
"Congratulations. By purchasing
the scientifically proven
Success Is Yours Programme,
you have already taken
the first step towards
realising all your goals."
"Let's start by repeating out loud
a series of positive messages
that will unlock
your full potential."
"Ready? Repeat after me."
"I know exactly where
I'm going in life."
Ah, shit! I just missed
my bloody turn. "Excellent."
"Let's try another. I will be
more open with my feelings."
I won't lie to you.
It's not easy. It is not easy.
It's one thing to get sacked
from your job of ten years.
It's another
to come home and find your wife
leaving you on the very same day.
She said she had to find herself,
whatever that means.
What does it mean?
I can't tell you how,
how rough it's been.
Just last night,
I considered ending it all.
Look at that.Look at it.
Hm? You looking?
You know what that is?
That's rope burn. Rope burn.
I'm not proud of it but there it is.
You smell like beer.
What? Really? Mr Sloane?
Yes.
Mr Whitmore will see you now.
Yes. You're a very good listener.
Sloane, is it?
Yes.
Yes. Jeremy Sloane.
With an "E", like Sloane Square.
Are you feeling all right? You look
a little green around the gills.
No, no, I'm fine, fine.
Just been up all night reading...
..reading the encyclopaedia.
I got to volume "S",
which is one of my favourites.
It's the big one.
Well, if today goes well,
we may need to keep you on until
we can find a permanent
replacement for Mrs Pitman.
Oh, was she sacked?
She's dead.
Sorry?
Her husband called this morning.
She never woke up.
Apparently, went in her sleep.
Oh, well,
that is good news, isn't it?
No, I mean the going in her sleep.
Not the death. The death is...
It's horrible, it's tragic. Yes.
And she was one of our
most popular teachers too.
Her pupils adored her.
Oh, and how have they taken the news?
Sorry to disturb you, Mr Whitmore,
but Mr Pitman is on the phone.
Ah, I'll need to take this.
Would you ask Mrs Bates to show
Mr Sloane to Mrs Pitman's class?
Sorry to cut this short.
Good luck today.
Thank you. My condolences to you.
And you may want to give the
encyclopaedia a miss tonight.
Yes, "T" can wait till the weekend.
Oh!
Oh! Cut.
Boys and girls, this is Mr Sloane.
He will be covering
for Mrs Pitman today.
Let us please welcome Mr
Sloane with a "Good morning".
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning, boys and girls.
Very good.
I expect you to treat Mr Sloane
with the same respect
that you would show Mrs Pitman.
I'll leave them in your good hands,
Mr Sloane. Thank you, Mrs Bates.
Well, as Mrs Bates
said, my name is Mr Sloane.
Let me make that easy
for you to remember.
Excuse me?
Who's the comedian?
I'm sorry, Mr Sloane.
I have a cold
and my nose is full of snot.
It's true, sir, he can't help it.
Fine. Well, if you need to blow
your nose, please use a tissue.
Don't disrupt the class.
Yes, Mr Sloane.
Right!
Disrespect will not be tolerated.
I understand you are all very upset
over the death of Mrs Pitman.
What? That's not
funny. That's a terrible joke.
It's not a joke.
Take it back and say you're sorry.
We love Mrs Pitman!
Ah!
Argh!
You, child!
Run and get the headmaster
or the deputy head,
any grown-up, quickly!
Oh, God!
Children,
take your seats immediately!
Good God!
What happened? I merely mentioned
the death of Mrs Pitman.
You did what?
Why on earth did you do that?
I thought they had been told.
Heavens, no.
We were going to announce it at
a special assembly after lunch.
We've been working on a speech
to break the news gently.
I could have sworn you told me they
knew. I said nothing of the kind.
Children! That's enough now.
Take your seats.
We want him to go. He's a loony.
I'm not a loony.
Mr Sloane, you should wait in the
staff room until further notice.
Yes, yes, I think that's probably
a good idea, headmaster.
Sorry. I don't know where it is.
Mrs Bates will escort you.
Class, I want you in your seats.
And that means all of you.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sloane.
Sloane. Like Sloane Square.
Oh!
"Woman".
Huh!
Penny for your thoughts, Mrs Sloane?
Oh, no-one's
ever called me that before.
I should hope not.
I was thinking how sweet it was of
Beans to bring his mother to the
wedding. Yeah. Good old Beans.
And I thought Ross
did a lovely speech.
Did you really save his life
or was he speaking figuratively?
It's not like I dragged him
out of a burning building
but when I got him the job, he owed a
lot of money to some very bad people.
Oh, dear. I didn't know
the gambling was that bad.
Back then, yeah.
But enough about my friends.
Tell me,
look down the road ahead of us.
Do you see what I see?
A lorry?
Not a lorry. I'm talking
about our future together. Ah!
What does it look like, sausage?
It looks beautiful.
I see adventure.
I see travel to exotic places.
I see a life of art,
music, culture, romance.
Candlelight dinners,
dancing on moonlit beaches.
Oh, it sounds wonderful.
I love our future.
You're not... You're not disappointed
by our honeymoon destination?
No. No, not at all.
Never been to Southend.
Well, look, it's hardly the Med
but with the deposit on the house,
we just need to be frugal,
just for a little bit.
Better to plan the future
than regret the past.
And I promise,
once we get through this,
you'll have a proper honeymoon
wherever you'd like to go.
Oh, I don't care,
as long as we're together.
I'm sure Southend is the
most beautiful place on earth.
It's home to the world's
longest pleasure pier. Oh!
Mr Sloane?
Dad?
Mr Sloane.
Aaah!
Hello, wasn't sleeping, I was just...
That's all right, Mr Sloane.
We managed to cover Mrs Pitman's
class for the rest of the day.
You're free to go home
and get some rest.
Oh, right, yeah, if you're sure.
I don't mind sticking
around for a bit in case...
Thank you, we'll manage.
You'll be paid for the full day.
Pfff! Money. I don't...
All right, thank you.
Will you need me back tomorrow?
Not likely.
We'll let you know if that changes.
Right.
Here are my... Thank you.
I really do think
you told me they knew.
I'm quite certain I did not.
Cheers.
Ugh! "I enjoy the respect
and admiration of my peers."
What?
Where's the bloody button gone?
"I know what I want and I know how
to get it." Where's the button?
"I refuse to get upset
over the small things."
Shut up. Please, shut up.
"I am in control of my own destiny."
Aaarrghh.
"I am exceptionally
good at what I do."
Piss off. "People are envious
of my accomplishments."
Why don't you shove it up your arse?
Very good.
"Friends and strangers
alike enjoy my company." Shit.
Ah, Mr Sloane, how was your new job?
Excellent, Mrs Wyndham.
I got two pay rises on the first day.
Oh, how nice.
But aren't you home awfully early?
Well, they sent everyone home.
It seems there was a small
outbreak of bubonic plague.
Oh, that's awful.
Yes, but then the canteen burnt down
and it seemed to put everything
right again. Well, that's good.
Isn't it just? Would you mind pulling
up a bit? You're on my hose.
I'm sorry?
Your tyre is on my hose.
OK.
Certainly, Mrs Wyndham.
I'll gladly get off your hose
and, perhaps, one day
you could get off mine.
"Women find me very attractive."
Pardon?
You heard me.
Well, if today goes well,
we may need to keep you on until
Janet.
Hello, Jeremy.
What's happened? Are you all right?
Jeremy, I'm so sorry.
I've made a terrible mistake.
I must have been mad to leave.
How can you ever forgive me?
It's all right, Janet. Come in.
I was so stupid.
I thought my life
was lacking something here,
so I had to leave you,
only to realise that everything
I was looking for was right
here in this house with you.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right, love.
The main thing is you're back now.
We can pick up where we left off.
Oh! I do love you, Jeremy.
I love you too, my darling.
Good Lord!
Oh!
Oh! Ugh!
Get off! Oh, Jeremy, it's just a dog.
Be a man for once.
Good God, help me! Someone help me.
Janet, help me.
Why are you laughing? Please help.
Why are you laughing?
Ugh!
# Here's a pretty mess,
in a month or less
# I must die without a wedding
# Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
witness my distress
# Here's a pretty mess
here's a pretty mess
# Here's a state of things
to her life she clings
# Matrimonial devotion
doesn't seem to suit her notion
# Burial it brings
# Here's a state of things
# Here's a how-de-do!
# Here's a how-de-do!
# Here's a how-de-do!
# For if what he says is true,
I cannot, cannot marry you
♪ Here's a pretty,
pretty state of things ♪
Sorry, mate.
That's OK.
Ate a Fray Bentos this morning
that disagreed with me.
Mm. Mm-hm.
That's not a disagreement.
That's a bloody fight to the finish.
Good God almighty.
I just... I just want you to know,
for the record, that wasn't me.
What wasn't you?
The olfactory assault.
Oh! I'm getting over a cold.
I'm a bit blocked up anyway, so...
Oh, never mind.
You shouldn't be embarrassed.
I grew up with three brothers.
Right, right.
But I mean, seriously, it wasn't me.
If you say so.
It's not that I'm just saying so.
There was a man with long hair
and a straggly beard. The owner
stepped away from the register.
Do you know where I'd find these?
Er, let me have a look.
Waste pipe, waste elbow.
Oh, dear God.
What? It just hit me.
That's what I was saying. The man
with the straggly... Excuse me. No.
Wait. Your, your note! Wait, wait.
You really should be
ashamed of yourself.
I swear it wasn't me. I know, I'm
kidding. I saw the guy you meant.
He should register himself
as a lethal bloody weapon.
Right, the military
could probably use him.
Phew! Hey, the waste pipes.
What size do you need? Oh, it's
on the paper. Oh, hang on. Yes.
Right. Waste pipe,
one and a half inch.
And four and a half inch waste elbow.
Is that right? Yes.
That's so great. Thank you so much.
It's my pleasure. You don't happen to
be a professional handyman, do you?
No, no, certainly not. Just handy
enough around my own house is all.
Oh, OK. Well, it was nice meeting
you. I'm Robin, by the way.
Hey, Robin. I'm Jeremy. Hi.
Good luck with your, um...
Oh, my plumbing, right.
It's just a leak under the sink.
OK. Well, it was nice meeting you
considering the circumstances.
I was going to say, if we had kids
we'd have a funny about how we met.
Yeah.
Sorry. I was not being forward.
That was a joke. I'm American.
Oh, I gathered that.
I'm going to head off this way
to avoid the toxic cloud.
Good idea, me too.
OK.
Hi.
I was just thinking.
I could probably help you with your
sink if you, if you wanted me to.
That would be great.
You wouldn't mind? No, not at all.
Oh, you're so nice. Here, let me
just write down my number for you.
Your wife won't mind you running off
to some strange girl's apartment?
My wife?
Yeah.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Well, thanks. It's just a slow leak
but I think it's getting worse. OK.
Well, I could probably come round
tomorrow. That would be great.
When you know what time, give me a
call and I'll give you my address.
It's an apartment on Brunswick
Street. Yeah, I'll call you first.
Cool. Thanks, Jeremy.
Bye.
Bye.
"I will no longer be troubled
by my worries of yesterday."
What worries? I have no idea
what you're talking about.
"Tomorrow will be
an even better day than today."
You sure got that right, buddy.
Hee-hee!
# "Major-General's Song"
- Gilbert and Sullivan
# I am the very model
of a modern major-general
# I've information vegetable,
animal and mineral
# I know the kings of England
and I quote the facts historical
# From Marathon to Waterloo
and all the categorical
♪ I am very well acquainted to... ♪
Watford 0-5-7-9. Hello, Ross.
Nothing much. You?
What time?
All right, yeah, I'll see you then.
Right, cheers.
Hm-hm.
Have you and Julie set a date yet?
Yeah, probably February. And she's
got lots of friends, Sloaney.
Now weddings are a great place
to meet the ladies.
Yes, they are, except I'm not single.
Yeah. You're just separated.
Would you think less of me if I put
you straight on that? Don't worry.
I'm not sure I could think less of
you. Ross, you're a reasonable man.
Do you think Janet's ever
coming back? Short answer? No.
Long answer?
No-o-o-o-o-o-o.
See, that's why
I'll never get married.
I'm just going to find a woman who
hates me and then buy her a house.
You'll never marry because
you'd have to move out of your
old bedroom. Yeah, that too.
Why did we just get crisps?
Where are the peanuts?
They didn't have any. Since when
does a pub run out of peanuts?
I don't know. Maybe they're out of
season. Peanuts have seasons?
They grow in the ground, don't they?
Hang on. So by your account,
all nuts would be seasonal.
I reckon, yeah.
Cashews. Sure.
Hazelnuts. Why not?
Almonds. Pistachios.
Walnuts. Yes, yes, yes. So when
would walnut season be exactly?
Well, I don't know because I'm not
a bleeding walnut farmer, am I?
You're not a peanut farmer but you
seem to know about peanut season.
Where do nuts come from, anyway?
By definition, Brazil nuts
must come from Brazil.
No, I mean, do they grow on bushes?
No, trees, I think.
I think if there were peanut trees
one of us would have seen one.
I've never seen a plum tree
but I'm sure they exist.
I think they grow underground.
What, plum trees? Peanuts!
How do you know where to find them?
What? How would you find them
if they're buried?
A carrot's got the leafy part above
ground so you know where to dig
but what sprouts out of a peanut
to flag its location?
A bloody peanut tree. Don't be daft.
You'd know it would be there
because you would have planted it.
Planted it from what?
A peanut seed? Well, why not?
Because peanuts don't have seeds.
How do you know?
When's the last time you ate a
peanut and had to spit out seeds?
Wait a minute. I think the peanut is
a seed. No, that doesn't make sense.
Why would you plant a seed only
to grow the same seed over again?
You'd never get anywhere. Well,
coconuts definitely grow on trees.
A coconut is not actually a nut.
Course it is. It's got
"nut" right in the title.
But it's not a proper nut.
They don't sell coconuts in a pub.
They might in Hawaii. I don't
think they have pubs in Hawaii.
Well, gentlemen,
this has been absolutely riveting
but I'm off. If I don't see you,
have a bloody great weekend.
If we don't see you, it will be
a bloody great weekend, won't it?
I hope you brought your brolly.
I think it might be spitting a bit.
Oh, you bugger.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ugh!
Hiya, Brian. Are you all right?
Good boy. Ugh! Ah!
Ugh!
Oh, shit.
Ya-ha-ha! Victory!
Oh! Ah!
Oh!
Ah-ha-ha! There you are.
Oh!
"No-one can make me
feel bad about my..."
Save it for when I need it,
my friend.
# What a difference a day makes
♪ 24 little hours... ♪
Hello, is this Robin?
It's Jeremy Sloane. Yeah, we met
yesterday at the ironmongers.
Why, thank you,
that is very flattering.
Now I wanted to know if you still
needed me to come over and, er,...
..lay a little pipe.
"Oh-ho-ho!
You naughty little monkey. Huh!"
"What time is good for you?"
As soon as possible?
Huh. Let me just check my diary.
Yeah, yeah, I think
I can manage that.
Now tell me,
what's your exact address
because I've only
got your phone number.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit, shit, shit.
Oh shit! Ugh! Oh!
Oh!
"I enjoy living the good life."
Shut up!
She's American, five-foot two,
lovely chestnut-brown hair.
Hello, Jeremy.
Hello.
She's half your age.
She's nothing of the sort.
At least she won't associate you
with the fart in the shop any more.
Now she'll associate you with
a big shit in the toilet.
Hey, it's Sloane, right?
Yes. With an "E" at the end.
At least no-one died today,
eh, Mr Sloane? Not yet, anyway.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
"# And it's greatly to his credit"
"# That he is an Englishman"
"# That he is an Englishman"
"# For he might have been a Roosian"
"# A French, or Turk, or Proosian"
"# Or perhaps Itali-an!"
"# Or perhaps Itali-an!"
"# But in spite of all temptations"
"# To belong to other nations"
"# He remains an Englishman!"
"# He remains an Eng`Eng-Eng-Eng
"# Englishman! #"
Oh!
Watford 0-5-7-9.
Hello, Ross.
Nothing much. You?
What time?
OK, I'll see you there.
Right, cheers.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, shit.
# Because he gets up in the morning
# And he goes to work at nine
# And he comes back
home at five-thirty
# Gets the same train every time
# And he's, oh, so healthy
# In his body and his mind.
# He's a well-respected
man about town
♪ Doing the best things
so conservatively ♪
# "A Well Respected Man"
- The Kinks
There he is, the late Mr Sloane.
Where have you been, son?
Sorry, I got hung up
on a broken pipe.
What's with the plaster
on your head?
Were you getting roughed up by
some wild tart when I rang? Who?
No, I banged it on a cupboard.
Silly, isn't it? Oh, yeah?
That same cupboard that
gave you that love bite you're
trying to hide under your shirt?
Oi, oi! It's not a love bite. It's
a shaving rash. Oh, is it? Right.
Here you go, mate.
This pint's yours.
Ooh! Thanks, Beans, but
I think I'm just going to have
a half tonight, actually.
"Hi Ho Silver Lining"
- Jeff Beck
Sloaney, what's wrong?
Nothing's wrong.
Just trying to cut back a bit,
that's all.
Oh, you had us
going there, mate. Good one.
There'll be no cutting back
on anything. We've got
a double celebration on our hands.
Oh, Reg, Reg, Reg, Reg.
Don't be daft, he won't mind.
I won't mind what?
Our mate, Mr Ross Baynard here,
after nine years hard labour
at Lynch and Saunders...
Which I owe all to Sloaney.
Cheers to that.
Anyway, our mate has now received
a well-earned promotion to...
What is it again, Ross?
Supervising Accounts Manager.
Supervising Accounts Manager,
whatever that means.
Wow! That's really great.
Listen, Sloaney,
I hope this isn't awkward for you.
No. Why would it be?
Well, you know,
I know this was the
promotion that you were up for
before you, you know...
Um, look, it's not
like I was vying for it.
It's brilliant.
You know, it's like keeping it
in the family. Yeah.
Cheers, well done. Cheers.
Cheers, thanks, Sloaney. Well done.
Daddy, I'm tired
and I have school tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, sorry, son.
OK, let daddy get his car keys.
All right, Brian?
Hey, Brian. Hi, fellas.
There you go, son.
Wait in the car for daddy.
I'll just be another
hour or so, OK.
Oh, and if you get cold,
the dog blanket is in the boot.
I know.
See you, Brian.
See you, Brian.
It's great being a dad. Mm, what
was the second piece of news?
Oh, yeah, Reggie's getting married.
Huh?
I said, Reggie is getting married.
Oh yeah, right.
Julie and I are getting married.
Well, that is a surprise.
I know. I know I said
I'd never get married again
after Nancy but I still feel about
Julie the same as the day I met her.
Well, it's been what two weeks?
Almost three. Almost three.
I'm sorry, my mistake. At least I've
been having fun since being single,
not always whingeing on
like some people. You.
I'm not single. Merely separated.
When Janet sorts herself out,
we'll be back better than ever.
Do you really think Janet's going
to turn up at your front door after
all this time? Yeah, well, why not?
She's only just gone to find herself.
Find herself. Yeah, yeah.
Still don't know what that means.
Sloane and I are the lucky ones,
right, Sloaney? Mm.
We got our freedom. We don't
have to answer to nobody. Beans!
Your mum wants you home. I'm off.
Hang on, Beans. I've got a toast.
This is an auspicious time for us.
New jobs, new wives, a new decade.
The 1970s will soon be upon us and
our youth will soon be behind us.
So let's enjoy it while we can
but let's do it together.
Together. Together.
Together, cheers. Cheers.
Right, I'm off. See you later.
Mm.
Waste not want not.
"Do you know why policemen were
originally called Peelers?"
"# The Stripper""
"# God Save The Queen"
# Long live our no...
♪ ..ble queen
God save Queen ♪
Ohhhh!
Huh!
Would you like to sit down?
Oh, no, thank you, that's very kind.
I'm getting off at the next stop.
Hmm. When's it due?
Excuse me?
Your little arrival.
When's it due?
I'm not...
Nothing is due. I'm prone to bloat.
And you are very rude!
I beg your pardon.
Please mind your own business.
Well done.
Thank you for the show of support.
It was like a car crash
happening in slow motion.
I was powerless to stop it.
I can tell by your solemn demeanour
that you regret not coming to my aid.
I think the rule of thumb is never
ask a woman if she's pregnant,
even if her waters have just broken.
Yeah, sage advice.
I'd do well to remember that.
Spanner. All right,
I already said it was a mistake.
Seven down.
"Wrench with fixed jaws."
Ah, yes.
Thank you very much.
Though, to be honest,
I'm not really doing it properly.
I just like to sit
on public transport
filling in random words
so strangers think I'm clever.
It's obviously very effective.
Um, I'm Jeremy, by the way.
Janet. Hello.
Well, this is where I get off,
said the actress to the bishop.
I know. You know? I'm on this
train every morning, I see you.
I see. Well, likely, I'll see
you again then. We'll see.
Hmm. Have a good day.
Huh!
Ha!
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning, tosser.
That's Mr Tosser to you,
dear minion.
Sorry, no disrespect intended.
Good morning, Mr Tosser.
That's better.
You're here awfully early.
Your greyhound's not running today?
I wanted to finish the Kenton
profit and loss, on your desk.
Wow!
Yes. Yeah, very fast.
- You didn't hire me just because I was good looking, did you?
- Not just, no.
Morning, boys. Morning.
Morning, Mr Saunders.
How's the new chap working out?
Ah, well I'm afraid
we may have to let him go, sir.
He's a little too
ambitious for my blood.
Well, that's good enough for me.
Baynard, you're sacked.
Everything else all right?
Yes. I'd say more than all right.
Ooh, well that sounds intriguing.
Care to extrapolate?
Actually, something happened
to me on the Tube this morning.
Well, go on, son.
I think I met a girl.
Sloaney, that's brilliant.
You think you met her,
or you think she's a girl?
Well, both, I hope.
Excellent news.
I was starting to get worried
about you, Sloane. My advice?
Marry her. Well, I might
have to ask her out first.
Ooh, it's a mere technicality.
Look, I know you, Sloane.
You're meant to be married.
You need regularity,
stability, predictability. Yeah,
this sounds like kismet to me.
Kismet.
I mean, look at Ethel and I.
We were perfectly happy for 20 years
and then we met.
He always does it. Well, come along,
boys, time is money. Yes.
Yes, absolutely. Jeremy Sloane,
you old dog. What's her name?
Her name is Janet.
Janet. Look at us, Sloaney.
The gods are really
smiling down on us.
I'm finally employed,
me and Sandra have got baby Brian,
Reggie and Nancy are married,
Beans is looking to move
out of his mum's house,
and now you and Janet. The '60s are
going to be our decade, my son.
I can feel it. Pub tonight?
No, I'm trying to cut back. I think
this beer's keeping me weighty.
All right, fine.
What's a pint with friends?
I can cut back tomorrow.
That's more like it.
Hey, back to work, please.
All right, Mr Tosser.
What?
Oh!
Watford 0-5-7-9.
"Yes, is this Mr Jeremy Sloane?"
Speaking.
"Mr Sloane, this is Lucille Bates,"
"deputy head of St Paul's
Primary School in Harrow."
"Hello?"
Yes. Yes, I'm sorry.
"We received your CV
a few weeks ago."
"It so happens we have
a teacher absent today
and nobody available
to take her class."
"Would you possibly
be interested in filling in?"
Certainly. What time?
"School starts at 8:45."
"You should arrive at 8:30 to be
briefed by Headmaster Whitmore."
Right, lovely.
# Rising early in the morning
# We proceed to light the fire
# Then our Majesty adorning
Hmm! Argh!
# In its work-a-day attire
# We embark without delay
# On the duties of the day
# Oh, philosophers may sing
of the troubles of a king
# But of pleasures there are many
and of troubles there are none
# And the culminating pleasure
that we treasure beyond measure
♪ Is the gratifying feeling
that our duty has been done ♪
Oh, Mr Sloane?
Ah, shit.
Mr Sloane.
Hello, Mrs Wyndham.
Hello, Nigel.
You're up bright and early today.
Yes, first day of a new job.
So if you'll excuse me...
How exciting. What is it?
It is teaching, Mrs Wyndham.
Now if you'll excuse me. Sounds like
you were quite late home last night.
Yes, well, my book group are reading
War And Peace so we overran a little.
What's happened to your forehead?
I banged it on a church pew
whilst genuflecting.
Now I really have to go, Mrs Wyndham.
Any word when Mrs Sloane will be
back from visiting her sick mother?
Any day now, any day. Well, I'm off.
Oh! I almost forgot.
This came for you yesterday,
all the way from America.
I signed for it since you weren't
here. Thank you, Mrs Wyndham.
It's from the Academy of the Mind.
Now what on earth could that be?
It's just... It's some foreign
language tapes I've been expecting.
What language are you studying?
Parlez-vous francais?
"Success Is Yours." Hm.
"Congratulations. By purchasing
the scientifically proven
Success Is Yours Programme,
you have already taken
the first step towards
realising all your goals."
"Let's start by repeating out loud
a series of positive messages
that will unlock
your full potential."
"Ready? Repeat after me."
"I know exactly where
I'm going in life."
Ah, shit! I just missed
my bloody turn. "Excellent."
"Let's try another. I will be
more open with my feelings."
I won't lie to you.
It's not easy. It is not easy.
It's one thing to get sacked
from your job of ten years.
It's another
to come home and find your wife
leaving you on the very same day.
She said she had to find herself,
whatever that means.
What does it mean?
I can't tell you how,
how rough it's been.
Just last night,
I considered ending it all.
Look at that.Look at it.
Hm? You looking?
You know what that is?
That's rope burn. Rope burn.
I'm not proud of it but there it is.
You smell like beer.
What? Really? Mr Sloane?
Yes.
Mr Whitmore will see you now.
Yes. You're a very good listener.
Sloane, is it?
Yes.
Yes. Jeremy Sloane.
With an "E", like Sloane Square.
Are you feeling all right? You look
a little green around the gills.
No, no, I'm fine, fine.
Just been up all night reading...
..reading the encyclopaedia.
I got to volume "S",
which is one of my favourites.
It's the big one.
Well, if today goes well,
we may need to keep you on until
we can find a permanent
replacement for Mrs Pitman.
Oh, was she sacked?
She's dead.
Sorry?
Her husband called this morning.
She never woke up.
Apparently, went in her sleep.
Oh, well,
that is good news, isn't it?
No, I mean the going in her sleep.
Not the death. The death is...
It's horrible, it's tragic. Yes.
And she was one of our
most popular teachers too.
Her pupils adored her.
Oh, and how have they taken the news?
Sorry to disturb you, Mr Whitmore,
but Mr Pitman is on the phone.
Ah, I'll need to take this.
Would you ask Mrs Bates to show
Mr Sloane to Mrs Pitman's class?
Sorry to cut this short.
Good luck today.
Thank you. My condolences to you.
And you may want to give the
encyclopaedia a miss tonight.
Yes, "T" can wait till the weekend.
Oh!
Oh! Cut.
Boys and girls, this is Mr Sloane.
He will be covering
for Mrs Pitman today.
Let us please welcome Mr
Sloane with a "Good morning".
Good morning, Mr Sloane.
Good morning, boys and girls.
Very good.
I expect you to treat Mr Sloane
with the same respect
that you would show Mrs Pitman.
I'll leave them in your good hands,
Mr Sloane. Thank you, Mrs Bates.
Well, as Mrs Bates
said, my name is Mr Sloane.
Let me make that easy
for you to remember.
Excuse me?
Who's the comedian?
I'm sorry, Mr Sloane.
I have a cold
and my nose is full of snot.
It's true, sir, he can't help it.
Fine. Well, if you need to blow
your nose, please use a tissue.
Don't disrupt the class.
Yes, Mr Sloane.
Right!
Disrespect will not be tolerated.
I understand you are all very upset
over the death of Mrs Pitman.
What? That's not
funny. That's a terrible joke.
It's not a joke.
Take it back and say you're sorry.
We love Mrs Pitman!
Ah!
Argh!
You, child!
Run and get the headmaster
or the deputy head,
any grown-up, quickly!
Oh, God!
Children,
take your seats immediately!
Good God!
What happened? I merely mentioned
the death of Mrs Pitman.
You did what?
Why on earth did you do that?
I thought they had been told.
Heavens, no.
We were going to announce it at
a special assembly after lunch.
We've been working on a speech
to break the news gently.
I could have sworn you told me they
knew. I said nothing of the kind.
Children! That's enough now.
Take your seats.
We want him to go. He's a loony.
I'm not a loony.
Mr Sloane, you should wait in the
staff room until further notice.
Yes, yes, I think that's probably
a good idea, headmaster.
Sorry. I don't know where it is.
Mrs Bates will escort you.
Class, I want you in your seats.
And that means all of you.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sloane.
Sloane. Like Sloane Square.
Oh!
"Woman".
Huh!
Penny for your thoughts, Mrs Sloane?
Oh, no-one's
ever called me that before.
I should hope not.
I was thinking how sweet it was of
Beans to bring his mother to the
wedding. Yeah. Good old Beans.
And I thought Ross
did a lovely speech.
Did you really save his life
or was he speaking figuratively?
It's not like I dragged him
out of a burning building
but when I got him the job, he owed a
lot of money to some very bad people.
Oh, dear. I didn't know
the gambling was that bad.
Back then, yeah.
But enough about my friends.
Tell me,
look down the road ahead of us.
Do you see what I see?
A lorry?
Not a lorry. I'm talking
about our future together. Ah!
What does it look like, sausage?
It looks beautiful.
I see adventure.
I see travel to exotic places.
I see a life of art,
music, culture, romance.
Candlelight dinners,
dancing on moonlit beaches.
Oh, it sounds wonderful.
I love our future.
You're not... You're not disappointed
by our honeymoon destination?
No. No, not at all.
Never been to Southend.
Well, look, it's hardly the Med
but with the deposit on the house,
we just need to be frugal,
just for a little bit.
Better to plan the future
than regret the past.
And I promise,
once we get through this,
you'll have a proper honeymoon
wherever you'd like to go.
Oh, I don't care,
as long as we're together.
I'm sure Southend is the
most beautiful place on earth.
It's home to the world's
longest pleasure pier. Oh!
Mr Sloane?
Dad?
Mr Sloane.
Aaah!
Hello, wasn't sleeping, I was just...
That's all right, Mr Sloane.
We managed to cover Mrs Pitman's
class for the rest of the day.
You're free to go home
and get some rest.
Oh, right, yeah, if you're sure.
I don't mind sticking
around for a bit in case...
Thank you, we'll manage.
You'll be paid for the full day.
Pfff! Money. I don't...
All right, thank you.
Will you need me back tomorrow?
Not likely.
We'll let you know if that changes.
Right.
Here are my... Thank you.
I really do think
you told me they knew.
I'm quite certain I did not.
Cheers.
Ugh! "I enjoy the respect
and admiration of my peers."
What?
Where's the bloody button gone?
"I know what I want and I know how
to get it." Where's the button?
"I refuse to get upset
over the small things."
Shut up. Please, shut up.
"I am in control of my own destiny."
Aaarrghh.
"I am exceptionally
good at what I do."
Piss off. "People are envious
of my accomplishments."
Why don't you shove it up your arse?
Very good.
"Friends and strangers
alike enjoy my company." Shit.
Ah, Mr Sloane, how was your new job?
Excellent, Mrs Wyndham.
I got two pay rises on the first day.
Oh, how nice.
But aren't you home awfully early?
Well, they sent everyone home.
It seems there was a small
outbreak of bubonic plague.
Oh, that's awful.
Yes, but then the canteen burnt down
and it seemed to put everything
right again. Well, that's good.
Isn't it just? Would you mind pulling
up a bit? You're on my hose.
I'm sorry?
Your tyre is on my hose.
OK.
Certainly, Mrs Wyndham.
I'll gladly get off your hose
and, perhaps, one day
you could get off mine.
"Women find me very attractive."
Pardon?
You heard me.
Well, if today goes well,
we may need to keep you on until
Janet.
Hello, Jeremy.
What's happened? Are you all right?
Jeremy, I'm so sorry.
I've made a terrible mistake.
I must have been mad to leave.
How can you ever forgive me?
It's all right, Janet. Come in.
I was so stupid.
I thought my life
was lacking something here,
so I had to leave you,
only to realise that everything
I was looking for was right
here in this house with you.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right, love.
The main thing is you're back now.
We can pick up where we left off.
Oh! I do love you, Jeremy.
I love you too, my darling.
Good Lord!
Oh!
Oh! Ugh!
Get off! Oh, Jeremy, it's just a dog.
Be a man for once.
Good God, help me! Someone help me.
Janet, help me.
Why are you laughing? Please help.
Why are you laughing?
Ugh!
# Here's a pretty mess,
in a month or less
# I must die without a wedding
# Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
witness my distress
# Here's a pretty mess
here's a pretty mess
# Here's a state of things
to her life she clings
# Matrimonial devotion
doesn't seem to suit her notion
# Burial it brings
# Here's a state of things
# Here's a how-de-do!
# Here's a how-de-do!
# Here's a how-de-do!
# For if what he says is true,
I cannot, cannot marry you
♪ Here's a pretty,
pretty state of things ♪
Sorry, mate.
That's OK.
Ate a Fray Bentos this morning
that disagreed with me.
Mm. Mm-hm.
That's not a disagreement.
That's a bloody fight to the finish.
Good God almighty.
I just... I just want you to know,
for the record, that wasn't me.
What wasn't you?
The olfactory assault.
Oh! I'm getting over a cold.
I'm a bit blocked up anyway, so...
Oh, never mind.
You shouldn't be embarrassed.
I grew up with three brothers.
Right, right.
But I mean, seriously, it wasn't me.
If you say so.
It's not that I'm just saying so.
There was a man with long hair
and a straggly beard. The owner
stepped away from the register.
Do you know where I'd find these?
Er, let me have a look.
Waste pipe, waste elbow.
Oh, dear God.
What? It just hit me.
That's what I was saying. The man
with the straggly... Excuse me. No.
Wait. Your, your note! Wait, wait.
You really should be
ashamed of yourself.
I swear it wasn't me. I know, I'm
kidding. I saw the guy you meant.
He should register himself
as a lethal bloody weapon.
Right, the military
could probably use him.
Phew! Hey, the waste pipes.
What size do you need? Oh, it's
on the paper. Oh, hang on. Yes.
Right. Waste pipe,
one and a half inch.
And four and a half inch waste elbow.
Is that right? Yes.
That's so great. Thank you so much.
It's my pleasure. You don't happen to
be a professional handyman, do you?
No, no, certainly not. Just handy
enough around my own house is all.
Oh, OK. Well, it was nice meeting
you. I'm Robin, by the way.
Hey, Robin. I'm Jeremy. Hi.
Good luck with your, um...
Oh, my plumbing, right.
It's just a leak under the sink.
OK. Well, it was nice meeting you
considering the circumstances.
I was going to say, if we had kids
we'd have a funny about how we met.
Yeah.
Sorry. I was not being forward.
That was a joke. I'm American.
Oh, I gathered that.
I'm going to head off this way
to avoid the toxic cloud.
Good idea, me too.
OK.
Hi.
I was just thinking.
I could probably help you with your
sink if you, if you wanted me to.
That would be great.
You wouldn't mind? No, not at all.
Oh, you're so nice. Here, let me
just write down my number for you.
Your wife won't mind you running off
to some strange girl's apartment?
My wife?
Yeah.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Well, thanks. It's just a slow leak
but I think it's getting worse. OK.
Well, I could probably come round
tomorrow. That would be great.
When you know what time, give me a
call and I'll give you my address.
It's an apartment on Brunswick
Street. Yeah, I'll call you first.
Cool. Thanks, Jeremy.
Bye.
Bye.
"I will no longer be troubled
by my worries of yesterday."
What worries? I have no idea
what you're talking about.
"Tomorrow will be
an even better day than today."
You sure got that right, buddy.
Hee-hee!
# "Major-General's Song"
- Gilbert and Sullivan
# I am the very model
of a modern major-general
# I've information vegetable,
animal and mineral
# I know the kings of England
and I quote the facts historical
# From Marathon to Waterloo
and all the categorical
♪ I am very well acquainted to... ♪
Watford 0-5-7-9. Hello, Ross.
Nothing much. You?
What time?
All right, yeah, I'll see you then.
Right, cheers.
Hm-hm.
Have you and Julie set a date yet?
Yeah, probably February. And she's
got lots of friends, Sloaney.
Now weddings are a great place
to meet the ladies.
Yes, they are, except I'm not single.
Yeah. You're just separated.
Would you think less of me if I put
you straight on that? Don't worry.
I'm not sure I could think less of
you. Ross, you're a reasonable man.
Do you think Janet's ever
coming back? Short answer? No.
Long answer?
No-o-o-o-o-o-o.
See, that's why
I'll never get married.
I'm just going to find a woman who
hates me and then buy her a house.
You'll never marry because
you'd have to move out of your
old bedroom. Yeah, that too.
Why did we just get crisps?
Where are the peanuts?
They didn't have any. Since when
does a pub run out of peanuts?
I don't know. Maybe they're out of
season. Peanuts have seasons?
They grow in the ground, don't they?
Hang on. So by your account,
all nuts would be seasonal.
I reckon, yeah.
Cashews. Sure.
Hazelnuts. Why not?
Almonds. Pistachios.
Walnuts. Yes, yes, yes. So when
would walnut season be exactly?
Well, I don't know because I'm not
a bleeding walnut farmer, am I?
You're not a peanut farmer but you
seem to know about peanut season.
Where do nuts come from, anyway?
By definition, Brazil nuts
must come from Brazil.
No, I mean, do they grow on bushes?
No, trees, I think.
I think if there were peanut trees
one of us would have seen one.
I've never seen a plum tree
but I'm sure they exist.
I think they grow underground.
What, plum trees? Peanuts!
How do you know where to find them?
What? How would you find them
if they're buried?
A carrot's got the leafy part above
ground so you know where to dig
but what sprouts out of a peanut
to flag its location?
A bloody peanut tree. Don't be daft.
You'd know it would be there
because you would have planted it.
Planted it from what?
A peanut seed? Well, why not?
Because peanuts don't have seeds.
How do you know?
When's the last time you ate a
peanut and had to spit out seeds?
Wait a minute. I think the peanut is
a seed. No, that doesn't make sense.
Why would you plant a seed only
to grow the same seed over again?
You'd never get anywhere. Well,
coconuts definitely grow on trees.
A coconut is not actually a nut.
Course it is. It's got
"nut" right in the title.
But it's not a proper nut.
They don't sell coconuts in a pub.
They might in Hawaii. I don't
think they have pubs in Hawaii.
Well, gentlemen,
this has been absolutely riveting
but I'm off. If I don't see you,
have a bloody great weekend.
If we don't see you, it will be
a bloody great weekend, won't it?
I hope you brought your brolly.
I think it might be spitting a bit.
Oh, you bugger.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ugh!
Hiya, Brian. Are you all right?
Good boy. Ugh! Ah!
Ugh!
Oh, shit.
Ya-ha-ha! Victory!
Oh! Ah!
Oh!
Ah-ha-ha! There you are.
Oh!
"No-one can make me
feel bad about my..."
Save it for when I need it,
my friend.
# What a difference a day makes
♪ 24 little hours... ♪
Hello, is this Robin?
It's Jeremy Sloane. Yeah, we met
yesterday at the ironmongers.
Why, thank you,
that is very flattering.
Now I wanted to know if you still
needed me to come over and, er,...
..lay a little pipe.
"Oh-ho-ho!
You naughty little monkey. Huh!"
"What time is good for you?"
As soon as possible?
Huh. Let me just check my diary.
Yeah, yeah, I think
I can manage that.
Now tell me,
what's your exact address
because I've only
got your phone number.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit, shit, shit.
Oh shit! Ugh! Oh!
Oh!
"I enjoy living the good life."
Shut up!
She's American, five-foot two,
lovely chestnut-brown hair.
Hello, Jeremy.
Hello.
She's half your age.
She's nothing of the sort.
At least she won't associate you
with the fart in the shop any more.
Now she'll associate you with
a big shit in the toilet.
Hey, it's Sloane, right?
Yes. With an "E" at the end.
At least no-one died today,
eh, Mr Sloane? Not yet, anyway.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd