Mr. Mercedes (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Are you kidding me?

Welcome to the early birds' club.

You thought you'd be first?

Yeah, kind of.

I guess we're gonna be
neighbors a while.

I'm Janice Cray.

Hi. I'm August Odenkirk.
You can call me Augie.

- Little one here is Patti.
- Hey, Patti, hello.

- Oh, my God. She is beautiful.
- Thank you.

How old is she?

Almost two months.



I had to bring her.

I can't afford a sitter.

No job, which is, of course,
why I'm here.

Cock-fucking-sucker.

Look at all these people.

Yeah, the economy's back alright.

Croup. It sounds worse than it is.

Right. It's alright.

- Alright, be honest with me.
- Mm-hm.

I'm standing out here in
the cold all night with a baby.

Are would-be employers
gonna just take one look

and think, "Irresponsible"?

Well, they might say, "Dedicated."

And they'll take one look at her



and see that hat
and these mittens here...

which seem to be homemade...

and they'll think, "She pays
attention to detail."

You're really good.

Someone's gonna hire you but fast.

Let's hope.

- I'm gonna settle her down.
- Yep.

It's okay, though. It's okay, though.

It's fine, right?

Oh, come on. Really?

Sorry.

Jesus.

- Sorry.
- That's okay. It's alright.

She's hungry.

- Oh, my God.
- What's up?

She is soaked right through,
I can feel it.

I can't change her out here
in this cold.

Real forward-thinking on your part.

Sir, back off. Come on.

- What am I gonna do?
- Um...

Here, take my sleeping bag.

Yeah. Slip in, get warm, get her warm.

You know, if you're cool with it,

why don't you hand me over the baby,

and I'll just grab on to her
while you slip in.

- How's that sound?
- Okay.

- Alright, cool. Here. Come on.
- I'm sorry.

No, don't apologize. It's okay.

- It's okay, it's okay.
- It's okay.

- It's okay.
- It's okay.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

Are you married?

Divorced.

Kids?

No.

Get a room.

What do you kids call it? Hooking up?

Bro, back off.

Why are you being rude?

Okay, okay. Pass her to me.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. I had her first.
It's okay. Shh, shh, shh.

- I know, I know, I know.
- There you go, there you go.

Here, I'll zip you up. I'll zip you up.

- Okay.
- Alright.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

There you go.

- There you go.
- Can you, uh, hand me a diaper?

- Uh, yeah, sure.
- They're in the bag.

I should change her before I feed her.

Got one. Here you go.

- Okay, thank you.
- Here you go.

There's a plastic Costco bag.
You can just drop it in there.

Yeah, nice. Thank you.

- Okay, how's that?
- Okay.

I know, I know.

Hey.

Come on, man.

Kill the headlights.

- Turn 'em off, cow.
- Hmm.

God, showing up to a jobs fair
in a Mercedes-Benz.

Sign of the times, I guess, right?

Maybe it's the Mayor, coming
to check out his big to-do.

He drives one of them sports coupes.

This isn't a coupe.
This is a larger model.

Give up, asshole. Turn them off.

Why's he just waiting there?

Well, one thing's for sure,
we know he's a fucking asshole.

What the hell?

Move.

- Move! Come on, move.
- What?

- Come on, unzip this!
- It's stuck!

Come on, come on! Let's go!

Come on! We've got to go!
Come on! Get up! Get up!

Move!

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

Holy fuck.

It's worse than it looks.

We got 16 dead, triple that in injuries.

No sign of the car.

Car? You're sure it's not a truck?

Car.

Somebody lost control.

He didn't lose control.

_

Good morning, Ohio.

We've got some gorgeous weather
into Bridgton today.

But down to the south for other
folks besides Bridgton...

...you've got some showers

and thunderstorm activity on the way.

But the folks in Bridgton

are gonna be nice and mild

as we go throughout the course
of the night.

And for the rest of the workweek,

temperatures, though, are going to be

still on the mild side,
really for everybody.

We're looking at those numbers...

And that will be what we do

throughout the course of the work...

Yeah?

Man, what time we on for?

Who is this?

Pete. What, I wake you up?

I keep forgetting
you retired farts sleep all day.

What do you want?

Lunch. We on, or not?

Bill, can you hear me?

- Yeah.
- Alright, see you there.

And wear something nice for me,
would you, big guy?

Maybe one of your
bright spring ensembles?

Fuck.

Come on. Come on.

Fred.

Fred.

Where are you, fucker?

Oh, there you are.

There you go, buddy.

Fred!

Yeah. Morning to you, too.

♪ 'Cause he gets up in the morning ♪

♪ And he goes to work at 9:00 ♪

♪ And he comes back home at 5:30 ♪

♪ Gets the same train every time ♪

- ♪ 'Cause his world is built ♪
- Fuck.

♪ 'round punctuality ♪

♪ It never fails ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so good ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so fine ♪

♪ And he's, oh, so healthy ♪

♪ In his body and his mind ♪

♪ He's a well-respected man about town ♪

♪ Doing the best things
so conservatively ♪

Fuck.

I gotta be honest.
You don't look so hot.

Not so sweet on the eye yourself.

You getting any exercise?

Are we married?

You hate it, don't you?

- Retirement.
- I don't hate it.

- Hey, handsome.
- Hey, Sheila.

Long time.

- Pete.
- Morning.

Been missing you around here.

Yeah.

You still got that killer smile?

No.

Oh, come on.

Come on.

There it is. How 'bout coffee?

- Why not?
- Okay.

Anything else I can get you boys?

I'll have the, uh, grilled perch
and a side of broccoli.

Yeah, I'll have
the open-faced roast beef

and mashed potato and gravy.

And a beer.

Okay. Got it.

Okay. We know we're not handsome.

We know she knows we're not handsome.

The question becomes,
you think she knows

that we know that she knows
we're not handsome?

That's too much thinking for me.

Hey, how's, uh... how's Allie doing?

You talk?

A bit. She seems good.

You know.

Yeah.

You doing okay?

Yeah.

Really?

It's an adjustment.

I remember you like the rum cake
for an appetizer.

Does that still hold?

That still holds.

I think he's been enjoying
a little too much

of the rum cake lately,
Sheila, wouldn't you agree?

Never.

Hmm!

Why would you say something like that?

Now, come on. Don't tell me your
sense of humor retired, too.

Well, let's just suppose for a second

that maybe she does
find me handsome, you know?

Maybe I'm handsome, maybe I'm not.
She's torn, right?

And your little comment possibly
tips the scales against me.

- Did you ever think of that?
- Mm, mm, I guess I didn't.

- No, you didn't.
- I guess I didn't.

No, you didn't.

It's Pete.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huh. What?

Huh.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be right there.

Unbelievable. You remember Donald Davis?

That sanctimonious cocksucker
who killed his wife,

- then set up the reward fund
- The reward.

for info leading to her whereabouts?

Game warden just spotted some
old bones and a tattered dress

in a gravel pit, less than
two miles from his house.

Yeah. I am gonna get this bastard.

I'm sorry, I gotta run.

Can we reschedule?

Sure, yeah. I got this. Go. Go.

How about tomorrow for lunch?

- Sounds good.
- Alright.

Something wrong, hon?

What?

With the spoon? Something wrong with it?

Ever notice everything
is upside down on a spoon?

Maybe that's how life is, hon.

That spoon has just got it figured out.

♪ And the night
when the cold wind blows ♪

♪ No one cares, nobody knows ♪

♪ I don't wanna be buried ♪

♪ In a Pet Sematary ♪

♪ I don't want to live my life again ♪

♪ I don't wanna be buried ♪

♪ In a Pet Sematary ♪

♪ I don't want to live my life again ♪

♪ I don't wanna be buried ♪

♪ In a Pet Sematary ♪

♪ I don't want to live my life again ♪

♪ I don't wanna be buried ♪

♪ In a Pet Sematary ♪

Hey, Brady. How'd it go?

Uh, fine.

Some old lady with a screen-freeze.

How's things here?

Uh, been better.

Evidently, I'm going to Hell.

Some Jesus jumper
gave me chapter and verse.

Turns out the Supreme Court
lacks jurisdiction over God.

What the hell was that?

You were rude to a customer.

Robi, I wasn't rude.

He was kind enough
to give me grooming tips,

and I returned the favor.

I've got in on video, Lou.

You know, if you put on
a little lipum-stickum

and a dog collar...

...you could score yourself
a date at the Corral,

have yourself a squirt
on the Tower of Power.

Thank you for your patronage, sir!

My problem with smart phones
is they don't capture context.

Your behavior was unacceptable.

It reflects on the store, this company,
and my leadership skills.

The three C's, Lou.

Courtesy. Commitment. Consideration.

Does "rude" begin with a C?

Does "abrasive" begin with a C?

I am really bad at phonics.

Brady, Lou.

Need I remind you both...

it is our relational attributes

that keep us from going the route

of the RadioShacks and the Best Buys.

Our ability to be personable
with our cl...

- Are you listening to me?
- Yes.

"Personable" is a P word.

That was flippant.

Y'know, I didn't hire
both of you recalcitrants

just because you're good with computers.

I hired you because you're waywards,

and one of the ways I like to give back

is by being a beacon with waywards.

Shed a little light
on those less-fortunate.

But I got limits, you get my message?

I do. No light for the flippant.

I'd like to say a few
words about the state of our economy

and what we're doing
to put Americans back to work

and build a new foundation for growth.

Last week, we received a report

on America's gross domestic product,

a key measure of our economics health.

And it showed marked improvement

over the last few months.

This morning,
we received additional signs

that the worst may be behind us.

Though we lost 247,000 jobs in July,

that was nearly 200,000 fewer
jobs lost than in June

and far fewer...

What's your problem?

My problem is it costs money
to maintain my garden and lawn,

all for naught when the yard next door

looks like you're raising ticks.

Yeah.

Kid had his SAT tests
or something on Saturday.

Well, that was Saturday.
This is Wednesday.

That's true, Ida.

And here's another little nugget
that can't be denied.

You should mind your own business.

I never mind my business.

Did you call him, tell him
to get his lazy ass over here?

This is the problem
with standardized testing.

- Lawns don't get mowed.
- Have a nice day, Ida.

I'm going to call him.

And tonight, I have some sea bass.

I bought more than I can eat. So...

No need to defrost the
Pepperidge Farm Coconut Cake,

or whatever other delicacy
you had planned.

♪ Ohhhh ♪

♪ Never liked nobody ♪

♪ That's been mean to me ♪

♪ I've got a heart full of stone ♪

- ♪ And I hate the misery ♪
- ♪ And I hate the misery ♪

♪ Then you came along ♪

- ♪ Into my life ♪
- ♪ Into my life ♪

♪ Destroying me more ♪

♪ Mounting up the toil and strife ♪

- ♪ But I'm a fool for you ♪
- ♪ Fool for you ♪

- ♪ I'm a fool for you ♪
- ♪ Fool for you ♪

♪ I'm a fool for you ♪

♪ I'm a fool for you ♪

Jesus fucking balls.

Hey!

It's a street,
not a goddamn hockey rink.

You're damn lucky
you didn't break that window.

We apologize.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of finding
these things in my shrubs.

Stepped on one last week,
I nearly turned my ankle over.

You hear me?

Do you hear me?!

Yes, sir.

Do you want to play, sir?

We're missing a-a goalie.

Do I look like a goalie to you?

Yeah, just sometimes we see you
watching us through your window.

You know, it's kind of creepy.

But goalies are weird...

...according to ESPN.

You sure you don't want to be a goalie?

You can wear the Jason mask.

Asshole.

It's very good.

Of course it's good.

If I make something, trust
it's gonna be goddamn good.

How long have you had trouble peeing?

Don't give me the look.

I see the Flomax boxes in your garbage.

If you can't be bothered
to recycle, I will.

I buy half my groceries
with your empty beer bottles.

Street hockey kids asked me
to play goalie.

They think I'm weird.

You scare them.

I've heard them talking.

When was the last time you had sex?

Seriously.

You propositioning me, Ida?

Well, what if I am?

- You could do a lot worse.
- That's...

Not to mention I live next door.

There's something to be said
for convenience.

You got it.

Hygiene, as well.

I'd need you to bathe.

Do you?

Are you being serious here?

Face it, Bill,

I'm your only option
if you don't want to pay for it.

Look, you're not an attractive man.

You're out of your mind.

Take a look at that.

That was taken two days ago.

Christ, that's you!

You're buck naked!

Goddamn right I am.

I look incredible!

Let me tell you something.

If you drop dead in that house,

your resale price gets cut
in half, and not just yours.

My property values
might take a whack as well.

So you want to have sex
to protect your resale value.

You're a fucking lunatic.

This physical and emotional inertia...

It's what killed Larry, y'know.

One day he's a college professor.

Then he retires.

Little-by-little, minute-by-minute,

he just retreated from the living.

The depression slithered up
like a constrictor.

A slow, choking death.

It was awful.

Sorry.

You need to find some sort of purpose.

I'll leave it at that.

_

Greetings, Detective.

I hope you don't mind me
using your title,

even though you're now retired.

I'd like to commend you for...

...commend you for 31 years
of splendid service,

27 of them as a decorated detective.

I saw one of the retirement ceremonies

on Channel 2... Public Access.

You looked so proud.

Thinner.

You've put on a few.

You must still be proud.

I bet you broke hundreds of cases.

Many of them high-profile.

Tell me, detective.

Did you catch all the bad guys?

We know the answer to that, don't we?

Some of us still lie in our
graves, our murders unavenged.

You made a promise,
you said you'd get him.

But you didn't get him.

He's still out there.

You fucking failed.

Everyone's got an opinion.

And I find the murdered
to be especially unforgiving.

Were any of us on your mind

when they gave you that plaque
at the retirement party?

Did any of them mention me?

Or my little baby?

I barely got to live at all.

Two months.

You got a cocksucking plaque.

I got squished.

A baby, I must say, that was a bonus.

And the mom.

Strawberry jam in a sleeping bag.

Did you know I was actually
wearing a condom that night?

So much excitement.

I was afraid I might
spontaneously ejaculate!

And I'd have to worry about DNA.

As for my two cents,
I'm just missing the ending.

You promised one, 'member?

Take a good look at me, buddy.
I'm coming for you.

I'm coming.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

Hey, guess what?

I'm coming, too.

Talk later, buddy.

My love to Fred.

Jerome.

Jerome!

- Shit!
- Turn it off!

It's 6:30 in the morning.

Yeah, that crazy-ass lady
next door called me

and said if I don't mow your
lawn today...

Look, it's now or never, boss.

You any good at computers?

Yeah. You know I am.

Get your ass in here, then.

It just disappeared?

Yeah. I played it once.

Went to play it again.
Gone. Whole thing vanished.

- And you didn't accidentally trash it?
- I did nothing.

Is it possible for a file
to just disappear on its own?

I mean, yes, but you'd be talking

some very high-end software and shit.

- What was on the file?
- It's not important.

If it ain't important, then
why are you so out of joint?

Aside that being
your normal personality.

Do you want me to smack you?

If you got homeowner's, yeah.
Shit, I could use the money.

Just tell me... can the video
be retrieved, or not?

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe.

You can never really
delete anything completely.

It's just not on the surface, though.

Okay.

Look, I'm gonna need more time.

Whoever did this knows his shit.

♪ I don't wanna make a buck no more ♪

♪ I don't wanna be a bum no more ♪

♪ I don't want your spit,
I don't want your hate ♪

♪ I need more than... ♪

Carrie and Shane from Katori
team were in third position

before starting today's challenge.

They made great time
over the suspension bridge,

which has pushed them ahead of
both the Raza and Hilu teams.

Will they be able to hold

- their lead through the jungle...
- Hey.

...and get to the river
to claim victory?

- I brought lunch.
- Alright.

Hey, look, I'm watching "Primitive."

Come join, it's a goodie.

I would, but I've got
to do work and then head back.

Oh, what's this big project
you got going?

Uh, new kind of router.

Come on, come on, sit with me.

Come on, honey, sit with me for
just a second, could you, baby?

Come on. Just a sec.

I'm concerned about these
circles under your eyes, okay?

I think you're working too hard

with all these different jobs
you got going.

Well, if I wanna go to college,

I've gotta earn money
to pay for it, right?

My baby, the college boy.

But it can't be all work
and no play, honey.

Young person has to have
some kind of social life.

I've got friends.

Who?

The lesbian?

Or that boss who's nothing
but mean to you, huh?

- They're okay.
- Mm-hmm.

You need a little fun in your life,

that's all I'm saying, okay?

Hey, why is it you never
had a girlfriend?

Hmm?

I just don't understand this. I mean...

Look, I'm not find... finding
fault with you, honey, no.

In fact, just the opposite.

You're smart. You're resourceful.

And you're good-looking.

Do you know how good-looking you are?

I would think the girls
would drip off you.

No.

I got to do work, so...

No, wait, wait.

Give Mommy a little kiss.

Can you do that?
Give me a little kiss first.

My honey boy.

Uh, no, no, no.

Work, work, work, work, work, work,

work, work, work, work, work,
work, work, work, work, work.

Give Mommy a little kiss.

Chaos.

19, 18, 17, 16,

15, 14, 13, 12, 11,

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...

Darkness.

It's killing you, isn't it?

Truth be told, I don't
really miss it too much.

- Right.
- I'm serious.

Except maybe...

cases still hanging fire.

I dwell on them a bit.

Starting with right there...

The City Park Rapist.

Can't believe we didn't get him.

Yeah. We will.

Thing about rapists,
they always strike again.

Then, there's the Mercedes killer.

Anything new on that?

Nah.

I ain't sure there ever will be.

Been what, two years? Likely a one-off.

My money, he was probably
coming to the job fair,

saw the long line ahead of him,
and flipped out.

He stole a Mercedes to go to a job fair?
That doesn't make sense.

Is the case still active?

I mean, for real,
anybody doing actual work on it?

It's active, Bill.

You're never gonna let it go, are you?

Just making conversation.

Camaraderie for my health.

Ah, okay.

Ah.

She killed herself, y'know. That's new.

Olivia Trelawney.

The woman whose Mercedes was stolen.

Yeah, Pete, I know who she was.

She owned some blame after all.

Swallowed some pills.

Fuck.

Was it ever disclosed

Smiley Face sticker
was found on the steering wheel?

Don't think so.

What about the Clown Face?

Ever reported witnesses saw the
driver wearing the mask, or...

Why do you ask?

Ah, it was never recovered, right?

Just wondering.

Here you go, Mr. Tech Whiz,
six out calls.

Uh, I was actually planning
to leave by 3:00.

- You were planning to leave by 3:00?
- My other job.

You have another job?

What is this other vocation, Brady?

Inventing space ships with Elon Muskrat,
whatever the fuck his name is?

- Back off, Robi.
- I will not back off.

Now, whether you choose
to see me as such or not,

I'm sort of your mentor in life.

Oh, yeah. He's going into
full beacon mode.

Go ahead. Beam us.

You ain't got a father.

And your mother, well...
I mean, no offense,

I like the vodka myself,
but not on my Rice Krispies,

if you get my drift.

You need to take good mentor
advice where you can get it.

This is your job right here, Brady.

This is your career.

You sticker DVDs,

you help old fackakas with dementia

get Polident out of their laptops.

There's nothing wrong with that.
It's a role in society.

A lot of people don't got roles. You do.

But you will never be happy

unless you both appreciate what you have

and accept what you are.

You're positive you
didn't download any application?

I don't even know how to download.

Well, there's all kinds of software
to make files disappear and shit,

but both parties
need to have it installed,

and I can't find anything.

Could he have hacked my computer
and then downloaded it?

I don't know.

It's possible, some kind
of malware or something.

Can you at least tell me what you saw?

It's private.

Nothing's private anymore.

You expecting somebody?

No.

Are you serious?

Stay where you are.

Oh, for God's sake.

And what's he doing here?

We're having a party.

What do you want, Ida?

I'd like a minute.

Alone, if possible.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah?

You hurt my feelings.

I wasn't gonna say anything,

but keeping pain to myself
is not a strength.

Should you desire or not desire

to have sexual relations with me...

certainly your choice...

I take well-earned pride
in my physical appearance.

- That's what this is about?
- Yes.

For you to be so repulsed by my body...

I wasn't repulsed.

You nearly gagged on your own vomit.

I was repulsed by the fact

that you were showing me
naked photographs of yourself.

I wasn't reacting to how you looked.

I'm a handsome woman.

I never said you weren't.

And yet you couldn't bring yourself
to look at the pictures.

You recoiled.

Come on. I didn't recoil.

You recoiled. I saw it.

What do you want from me, Ida?

I want you to look at the picture.

You want me to look at the picture.

- Yes.
- For what purpose?

Because you're my neighbor
and I want to be friends with you.

And I don't think I can
be friends with somebody

who recoils at the sight
of my naked body.

I realize that's a deficit
of mine but I am what I am.

Fine.

Very nice.

It's lovely.

Jesus fucking Christ!

_

Just got me thinking.

All the pranks and taunts
and shit we got with that case.

Has that continued?

You know, anything recent happen that...

No. Why do you ask?

Just told you, I'm curious.

You're, uh, curious?

I worked a long time on that case.

After our conversation
yesterday, just got me thinking.

Ah, that conversation we had
about the Park Rapist

that you segued into a conversation

about the Mercedes killer.
That conversation?

Why you talking to me like that?

Because of all the cases
for you to obsesses over,

- this is the one...
- I'm not obsessing,

I just asked you
any recent suspicious...

...more than any other
that led to your demise.

No, listen, never mind!

Bill, you need to never mind.

16 people died,
we're meant to just forget it?

I'm not, I'm still on the case.

You're meant to forget it,
you're retired.

I'm going to work.

Good morning, sir.

Uh, do you carry surveillance cameras?

Uh, why yes we do, sir...

security cams, nanny cams, drop cams,

and we can not only
provide the equipment,

we can service all your
installation needs as well.

I can install it myself,
I just want the merchandise.

It's right over there.

Actually, let me show you
where it's located.

One can never take security
too seriously,

that's what I always say.

We live in an increasingly
dangerous world.

Vigilance is an American value.

"One if by land. Two if by sea."

Our wonderful country began with that.

Give it a rest, would you?

Yeah, sure, I'll just leave you
with the merchandise.

Is this good?

Yeah, that's... that's a good one.

Thanks.

- I'll take this.
- Yes, sir.

Not a chance.

This will be the last time, I swear.

You said the last time
would be the last time.

- And the time before that.
- Yeah.

- I promise, this will be the last time.
- You're a civilian.

I give civilians access
to evidence, I lose my job.

Marty.

My therapist is saying
I gotta get closure and shit.

Personally, I think closure's
over-fucking-rated.

But the nightmares, the panic
attacks, I could do without.

He says I gotta take certain steps.

This is one of 'em.

Five minutes.

I'll let you hold the watch, you
know, the expensive watch I got

for 36 years of distinguished service.

Please.

Appreciate it.

Hey, you want maybe I can angle
that one into Ida's backyard?

You could watch her
sunbathe in the nude.

She'd like that.

I want a full panoramic
if you can get it.

Yeah, you got it.

You ever thought about
getting a guard dog?

Um, not that your turtle ain't scary.

It's a tortoise.

Oh.

And you got into Harvard.

Yeah, I did.

You know, we could program
this shit right into your iPhone

so you can watch it from anywhere.

In some movie theater, bored to shit

over whether Iron Man's
getting it on with Wonder Woman,

you just whip out your phone,
and see who's breaking into your house.

Yeah, I'll keep that in mind.

Ooh, okay. How 'bout we take a break,

and you treat me to a Whistle Pop.

That's an ice cream, boss.

I'll have a brownie delight,
no whipped cream.

Ooh, watching your figure, are you?

So help me, I will smack you.

- You know that, don't you?
- Okay, I'm kidding.

Fucking kids.

Hello, friendly friends!

Can I have Berry Good, please?

Oof, well that depends.

- Have you been a Berry Good girl?
- Yes.

Well, then I guess you can have one.

There you go, sweetheart.

Who's next?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com