Mr Don & Mr George (1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - There's Been a Thing - full transcript

Donold falls in love with a woman he met while on holiday and George is feeling very jealous of it, even though he has his pride and denies it, so he does everything he can to split them up but does he succeed?

So, tomorrow night it is then?

I can't wait, Miss Burns.

See you then.

This is it.

This time.

I've never met anyone like her.

I've never had
this feeling before.

I'm so nervous about the date.

But I haven't taken anyone out
for ages.

I'm... I'm a bit out of practice.

I need someone to do
a sort of trial run on.



But who?
DOOR OPENS

I'm home, Don.

LIGHT BULB DINGS

George, I was wondering...

Oh, no, George.

You've not been hunting again,
have you?

No, no, no, no. I've just...

I've been out with the
anti-bloodsports hunting club. Yes.

I just spent four invigorating
hours nudging deer.

Really?

Yes, you stalk them, sneak up behind
them and give them a little push.

And how many did you bag,
if that's the wrong word?

Yes, well, I nudged three and
lightly brushed up against another.

But I claimed it anyway.



You should come next week.
We're insulting grouse.

Wait a minute though, George,
what's this for?

Ah-ha.

Tickling badgers.

So what's on the agenda
this evening?

Eh, well, I... I thought we might
go to the pictures.

Excellent. What's on?

Citizen Kane or The Third Man.

Well, you won't get me out of the
house unless it's Citizen Kane.

Well, I'm not moving unless
Orson Welles is in it.

Ah, so. We're agreed.
The new Akira Kurosawa it is.

Well. Well, if you can say it,
I'm prepared to see it.

Eh, hang on a minute.

Would you mind if I sort of
came and picked you up?

For why?

For no reason.

For that's good enough for me.

When would
you like to collect me?

About 15 seconds.

See you here then.

DOOR CLOSES

KNOCK ON DOOR

Who on Earth could that be?

ROMANTIC MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

You're early.
Sorry, I didn't get held up.

Taxi's waiting.

FILM PLAYS

Oh! Oh, I really am enjoying
the film, everyone.

Oh, damn! I remember.
I've seen this before.

Yes, em, the little Japanese guy
did it, yeah.

Come on. We're leaving.

But I haven't even kissed you yet!

HE LAUGHS

What a gag!

What a joke from my brother!

Come on, we're leaving.

What is going on?

Chocolates, flowers,
advances in the cinema,

what next?

Dinner?

Oh, lovely!

No more monkey business.

No, no, I didn't enjoy the film,
to be honest.

As far as I could make out,
I wasn't in it

and that's fairly bad casting,
I think.

And apart from that, the subtitles
bore no relation to the dialogue.

Correct me if I'm incorrect,

but they were speaking in Japanese
and the subtitles were in English.

That's a fairly basic error.

You'd think someone
would have spotted that.

What?

This is for you.

Oh.

Aw, you shouldn't have.

I know you embarrassed me
in the cinema there

and you want to make amends,

but this is...
this is going too far.

Still, you
know, if it makes you...

If it makes you happy and...
Oh, yes. Like everything,

it suits me.

Don, what are you doing in there?

Just slipping into something
a little more comfortable.

You stay where you are.

Listen, Don, we've got to talk.

I have known you
for many, many years.

Many, many, many.

And this is the first occasion
in which you have come on to me

like a cheap slattern.

George, I've got
a confession to make.

There's been a thing.

I think I'm in love.

Well, it's hardly surprising,
I suppose.

How long?

Since we went to Jamaica.

Oh, be careful. It might just be
a holiday romance.

No, I've thought of nothing else.

Well, I can't say I blame you.

Yes, there's just something
special about Miss Burns.

I can't live without her.

What do you think it was?
Do you think it was my fringe

or the taughtness of my tum?

MISS BURNS?!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

The air hostess?

Take your ring
back, you cheap tart!

I'm sorry about tonight, George,

but I had to have a dummy
to practise on.

I know that soon Miss Burns
and I shall be together,

united,

inseparable,

twa hearts beating as yins.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

SAD TRUMPET MUSIC

Right, I'm 5'8
and three quarters,

plus three and a quarter...

6ft. Bang on.
Ideal courting height.

Oh, come on, Officer, what do you
mean you can't arrest a man

for conspiring
to go out on a date?

Look, surely
that's a criminal offence?

Just give him a couple of years,

till he forgets her.

Till all this blows over...

♪ ..the hills and far away

♪ The tumbling waters
of the River Spey. ♪

No, it doesn't
ring any bells? No?

You don't even
have the sheet music?

OK, thank you very much, Mr HMV.

Oh, Don! Didn't see you there.

Didn't even know
you were in the room.

Eh, George, not that it's
important or anything,

but I was just wondering,

are you going to be around
this evening?

You know, roughly around about the
time you might leave a restaurant

after you'd been to the pictures?
Are you gonna be in?

Just for an instance, like,
off the top of my head, you know,

are you gonna be in?
Not that it's important.

Mm? George?

Oh, sorry. It's just you said
it wasn't important

so I wasn't going to answer.

It's not important
but I'd like an answer anyway.

It's an unimportant answer.

Yes, what was the question again?

Are you gonna be in tonight?

Oh, yes, yes. I shall be exercising
my rights as co-tenant this eve

in full. Yes.

You shall very much find
George McDiarmid

at home this evening.

So not planning to go out then?

Perhaps stay overnight
in a nice B&B?

Not that I'm aware of, no.

Fine. Great. Great. Glad that's
sorted out then.

Didn't matter anyway.

One of the least important issues

that's ever arisen between us,
George.

And to be honest, I've already
forgotten what it was

we were talking about.

Gone. Blank. Cha-ching.
Matter dropped.

Good.

Oh, please!

Please! It means so much to me.
It's important.

I feel, for the first time,

I might be able to be happy.

George, will you please help me?

No.

Ah!

Oh! Ah!

Ooh.

Right, that's
me in for the evening.

Knock-knock. I'll get that.

Oh, hello. Oh, Your Majesty,
the Queen of Britain,

what a pleasant surprise!

What's that? Dinner at the palace?

I'd be delighted.

Oh, it's George you're after?

Sir George, you say?

George, did you hear that?

Yes.

Well, are you gonna go? She needs
to know now. For numbers.

Donald, I don't actually believe
that Her Majesty,

the right royal Queen of Britain,
is standing on our doorstep.

Oh, she is. Aren't you?

Yes, she says.

Well, in that case,
she won't mind me asking her

what her surname is, just to
check she's not an imposter.

I've asked her and she's told me.

What did she say?

It's a secret.

Mm-hm. I need to know, Don.

Edinburgh?

Hanover?

Is it?

Bab... Mrs Elizabeth Babcock.

No, not even close, Don.

OK, George.
Look, I'll... I'll level with you.

Yes, I think
that would be an idea.

I'm going out with Miss Burns
this evening.

Pictures, dinner and then maybe
we'll have a cup of coffee here.

Together. Alone.

I've never done that before.

All right, all right, all right.

Really? You'll go out then?

No. No. Better than that.
I'll help you.

You don't want to go out.
It's too...

..far away.

It's too informal. Stay here.

I'll... I'll
prepare drinks for you,

cook for you,
I'll look after you.

And you won't mind
that I'm with, you know...?

Donald, I don't care who you see.
I'm a grown man. 6ft 3.

You're not jealous?

At this height?! Ha.

It's a deal.

And you won't treat her the way
you treated Miss Simpson?

Eh. Oh, no. No, no. Believe me,
that's all in the past.

No, no. I'm a changed man.

How... how... how is Miss
Simpson, by... by the way?

Is she up and about now?

Yes. She's walking.
Well, it's more hopping, actually.

It's a hop. That's fine.

No. There shall be no repeat
of that regretful incident.

No, no. Don, trust me.

I'm your friend.

I only ask one thing,
George. Mm.

Just... be nice to her.

You know, make her feel at home.

Two things.

I'll do all three.

Right, George, how's it going
in there?

Don't come in.

KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, God! Right, right.

One - Miss Burns, come in.

Two - Can I take your coat?

Three - Please have a seat,
Miss Burns.

Four - Tell me, how long
have you been an air hostess?

Right.

One - Miss Burns, come in.

Hello.

Oh, please, let me help you there.

Now, two, can I take your...

This is nice, isn't it?

Three, have a seat, Miss Burns.

Four, tell me,
how long have you been...

Ah, how long
have you been... here?

About a minute.

That's right, yes.

And how long have you been here?
PIANO PLAYS

Oh, much longer than that, yes.
Years.

Well, it's a very unusual
place. Mm.

Tell me, ah, where do you live,
Miss Burns?

Call me Penny.

Sorry, yes. Where do you live,
Miss Penny Burns?

Well, I sometimes can't remember.

Rome, Paris, London, Edinburgh.

That's a shame, you know, because
I sometimes think it's important

to have roots.

I couldn't agree with you more,
Donald.

And where are you from originally?

Welcome aboard,
ladies and gentlemen!

My name is Captain McDiarmid,

and I'm your Captain McDiarmid
for this evening.

And we have a very short evening
this evening and some of us

want to get
back to the old routine.

For maximum enjoyment of
this evening,

passengers are advised not to talk
to this man, look at this man,

listen to this man or go out
with this man ever again.

We shall be serving a hot meal
and a complimentary drink

from the bar shortly.

Just outside Dumfries.

Who was that?

Oh, that's my associate George.
He's a little on edge.

Why?

Well, he just seems to prefer it
that way.

So your associate's
an airline pilot?

Eh, good question...

"Can I take your coat?"
"Have a seat"...

Eh, wait here a sec.

What's going on?
It was going really well!

I'm making her feel at home.

Now, get back in there!

Back in a mo!

That's that sorted out, anyway.

Eh, Miss Burns - Penny,

did you know that Madrid is the
only capital city of Europe not

situated on a motorway? Waterway!

No, I didn't, actually.

It was a good topic, though,
wasn't it?

You don't have to try
and impress me, you know?

PIANO PLAYS
I like you for yourself.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oi!

Grub's up.

Enjoy.

This is a nice surprise.

Oh, no, turbulence!

Oh, no!

All pass... oh, no!

We're losing altitude, we're going
down - assume crash positions!

Oh, no, we're going to crash!

Come on, Miss Burns, you know
the procedure - come on.

Well, I think that went
very well, don't you?

You are jealous, aren't
you? Am not!

I'm seeing her again tonight,
I don't care.

We're having a meal.

It's a free country.
You can see who you want.

Don't accuse me of jealousy

just because you're embarrassed
to be seen out with a girl.

I am not!

I'll bid you good evening.

Yes, have a nice time!

I think you'll like this place.

I've no idea why I think that,
I just think you will.

Well, maybe that's the reason, Donald.

Oh, yes, yes.

Waiter!

Ah, good evening, Mr McDermott.
How delightful to see you again.

Same here. It's only been
a few seconds, but it's nice.

I like the new moustache,
by the way.

And your charming companion.
Good evening, madam.

Slightly uglier
than your usual, sir.

Still. Cheaper, is she?

Now, sir, where do you intend to
projectile vomit this evening?

Would five yards be sufficient?
Wait till you see this.

It's very, very impressive.

Can we order, please?
Oh, it speaks! Il parle!

Go on, bash
on. I'd like...

TELEPHONE RINGS
Shut it.

Hello? Yes? I'll let him
know straight away.

That was your wife, Mr McDermott.

She told me some endless rambling
story about how she's divorcing you.

In fact, all 14 of your wives
would like to divorce you,

but they're in fact going to
stick with you despite your

gross unpleasantness
and your tiny, tiny little mind.

OK? So, coffee or straight onto
Coffee, please.

And for the bint?

Two hot towels it is.

There we are, one, two, OK?

And there's the bill,
I've rounded up to 50.

Now, hurry up,
we need the tables, come on!

What a brilliant place.

That waiter is so eccentric.

Oh, thank you
for bringing me here, Donald.

Perfect.

Popcorn!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Oh, I've seen this one before.

The Japanese guy did it.

It's one thing I can't stand.

She's told us the ending.

Did you want me to tell you?
Look, there's no point staying here.

Let's go somewhere we can be alone.
Oh, or somewhere we can be together!

Even better!

Ah, yes, hello there.

Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting
a survey on behalf of the cinema.

No, I've got
Question one.

Do you find the salted popcorn
to be A, plenty salty,

B, plenty much salty,
or C, plenty too much too salty?

Question two.

Does this hurt?

Yes!

So, how did it go, Don?

Well,
Oh, yes?

Hot towels. Oh.

But then it all went
Oh, dear.

What happened?
Well, the usherette ruined it.

This enormous lady with huge...

What? What did
this enormous lady do?

She wore earrings,
that's what she did!

Oh, of course, and Miss Burns
doesn't approve of earrings...

You scoundrel!

How could you do it? You cuckold!

I know that's not the right word,

but I think in the heat of the
moment you'll let me away with it.

You make me shout!

This is it. This time. It's over.

We're going to sell this warehouse
and go our separate ways!

Oh, shiny as a shiny thing.

It's lovely what you're doing there,
lovely. And smashing. And splendid.

Oh, watch this!
Oh, look. At present.

Oh, a present to you from me.

Donald, it's...

It's just what
you've always wanted...

..to jump on.

♪ Honolulu, baby

♪ Oh, my, oh, my

♪ Honolulu, baby... ♪

Oh, all right, we'll sell.

But, look, we're going to have to
appear to be on better terms.

It's going to put people off,
this strained atmosphere.

We're going to have to appear
to like each other. OK?

BANGING ON DOOR

That'll be someone who's just
knocked at the door.

Hello
there! Hello there!

Mr and Mr McDermott?

We've come to look round.

Come in!
Follow the wee man.

Whoosh!

Oh,
we're going our separate ways, yes.

Why's that?
You both seem very happy.

Oh, we're too happy,
we're actually too happy.

We're so compatible, it hurts.
It's actually physically painful.

Yes, yes, it can actually be
dangerous being that happy.

Anyway, make yourselves at home,
have a look round.

How many power
Four!

No, there's five, you...

Thanks for coming.
Let us know if you're interested.

No? Well, you...

Oh... They didn't seem
that interested, eh?

You know, I don't think
we'll ever shift this place.

Maybe just better get
back to the old routine.

Nice cup of tea, please.

BANG, BANG, BANG

What a loud knock at the door.
Must be a man.

I'll buy it!

Oh, I've just changed my mind.
I'm not going to sell my half.

I'll buy his
half. OK, sign here.

Right, sold. Goodbye, John.

I'll just...

I'll just go and
pack my bags, then.

Yeah, Stirling Albion in '76...
Yeah, that's right.

Don. I just...

Wanted to let you know
how much you've meant to me

and
how much I'm going to miss you.

Yeah, bye.

I'll never forget you, Donald
Yeah, see you, Jerry.

Sorry, Don, I
forgot my... aaaargh!

Miss Burns! You mean...?
Yes, it was all a plan.

Yes,
it was Miss Burns in disguise.

You mean...?
Yes, you've been duped.

Of course it was
Tim Roth. He was the only English one.

Yes, it was a
blood capsule. If you look closely,

you'll see Robert Redford slip it
in his mouth in the previous scene.

Yes.
Donald and I are engaged to be married.

Well, I know this is going to
make me a very unsympathetic

character, but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to shoot Miss Burns.