Mr Don & Mr George (1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - You Can Run... But You Can't Hide Your Legs - full transcript
After learning that there is a war going on, Donold and George are worried that they will be made to join the army, so they try and do their best to get out of it.
HE SIGHS IMPATIENTLY
Where IS he?!
HE SIGHS
Where have you
been? Getting your morning paper.
It did
take slightly longer than expected.
Yes. Two and a half years
is SLIGHTLY longer than expected.
You still want your breakfast?
Yes. I am a bit peckish, actually.
Ah! Mmm... Oh, Don.
What's this?
Croissant.
Am I expected to eat this?
What's wrong?
I ordered a ham roll!
their
sell-by date. Good work!
Mmm! Delicious!
So... why the delay?
What happened this time?
Ah, well, after the shops
I got chatting to someone.
For two and a half years?!
Oh, no, no. For two minutes.
Then I wandered
about on my own for a minute,
then I looked in a shop window
Right.
..and then there's seven seconds
which I just can't account for.
Oh, Don, we're dealing in a period
of two and a half years.
If you're gonna recount it
second by second,
we're gonna be here
for two and a half years.
Well, that's OK. We live here.
GEORGE SIGHS
Just give me the essentials.
Well, Thailand was nice!
I didn't care for Australia
or Scandinavia,
and the Balkan states,
well, take 'em or leave 'em.
Ah. So you've been travelling.
Well, for the first two weeks, yes.
Where have you been?
I found a pin.
I'm sorry?!
I found a pin.
Well,
why didn't you say so before?!
You found a pin!
Well, in that
case you're back early!
THAT
attitude... Don! No. No.
Honestly, I'm interested.
Whose pin was it?
Well, exactly my thoughts
on finding it. Whose pin, indeed?
I pictured a little old lady,
most likely recently widowed,
sitting alone in her cottage
in the forest...
without her favourite pin, so...
I embarked on
a nationwide search...
..hill and glen, for the pin's
owner, which search ended
when
I found the lady in question.
I've just come from
the joyful reunion.
Ironically, it belongs to...
Ironically, it belongs to
old Mrs McIvor round the corner.
Considering her nickname's
the Pin Lady, maybe I should've
started with her. I dunno.
It's easy with
hindsight, you know.
Donald?
You are the kindest man
I have ever met.
Waste not, want not.
MYSTICAL HARP MUSIC
Now,
my morning paper, if you will.
GEORGE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Thank you.
BURST OF DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
HE SQUEAKS / SPLUTTERS
We're at war!
That's terrible news!
No! That's excellent news, actually.
Yes! Just what the country needs.
Get everyone united
behind a common enemy, yes.
Bit of the Churchill spirit.
IN WINSTON CHURCHILL VOICE:
And my advice to you
is to cook your potatoes
in their jackets,
and grow your own onions!
Oh, I love a good war, yes.
Yes.
Genuinely amusing radio
programmes. Yes.
Conscription.
Conscription!
Conscription?! Hide!
Oh!
HE WHIMPERS
Oh, this is hopeless.
It's true, you know.
You can run, but you can't hide.
Speak for yourself, George.
Oh, that's true. Yes. Yes.
can run, but I can't hide.
Yes. Whereas you,
you can hide, but you can't run.
Not strictly true, George.
Eh?
Ah, yes!
You can run, but you CAN hide.
No, no, no.
You can run,
but you can't hide your legs.
Or the other way round.
You can hide your legs,
but you can't run.
POUNDING AT DOOR
The conscription officer! Oh, no!
I don't want to go to war.
I'm too tall to die!
I'm... I'm... I'm simply too
handsome to wear camouflage!
People need to see me!
POUNDING AT DOOR
Don! What are we gonna do,
and when are you gonna do it?
Now! I've got a foolproof plan.
Foolproof! Go to it.
Go away! We're not in!
POUNDING AT DOOR
Didn't work!
GEORGE SOBS
I'm too good a dancer to march!
POUNDING AT DOOR
OK, plan B! Get in the box.
It'll be OK. Oh, quick!
DON CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY
Come in!
Donald and George MacDiarmid?
Er, no!
No. They don't live here anymore.
They've, er...
They've joined the army.
That's right.
So, er, we live here now.
My name's Mr Box,
and this is my charming wife,
Mrs Box.
IN FALSETTO: Hello, there!
We're just off for the weekend
with the Packages, and that posh
young couple, the Egg-Cartons.
So bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye, now!
TRAFFIC RUMBLES
How long are we gonna have to hide
out here, Don?
we're
too old to be conscripted, whichever comes first.
Gosh, I never realised
Cardboard City was as nice as this.
This is
Cardboard Suburbia. Oh!
Here's for an idea.
Clever!
Oh! Yes, yes!
I like it!
They'll never find us here.
Well, it's a bit cramped.
You might have to give up
the dance lessons.
Ah, no. I can teach the class
Yeah?
HE GRUNTS
SOUNDS OF RAPID-FIRE TAP-DANCING
Yes, yes.
We'll be very happy here, I think.
Oh! Even better! Darts!
Fancy a game?
No. I don't like darts.
It makes you fat.
Oh...
All
right. Nearest to bull starts.
Right.
Oh! You win. On you go.
OK!
180!
This looks pretty easy!
Damn! 26.
Ah! Never mind.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, no!
That'll be the conscription officer.
I'm too hairy to wear a helmet!
Good morning!
I'm a member of the general public.
THEY SIGH IN RELIEF
I'm here to look round the box.
I'm interested in buying.
Oh! No. So sorry. Can't be done.
I arranged with the box's owner, Mr
Jenkins, to have a look round today.
He's
changed his mind. Yes, that's right.
He doesn't want to sell anymore.
No. No.
So, where is Mr Jenkins?
He's... He's working. He's not in.
Yes. He's doing some repairs
on the extension.
Then, I'll go and have a word
with him, then, shall I?
No, no!
He doesn't like to be disturbed.
I'm sure he
won't mind. Oh, he will!
He's got a furious temper.
Yes! Yes, furious!
I think I can cope, thank you.
No. Listen. I tell you what.
I'll... Yes. I'll pop through,
Yes.
straight
back... to you, OK? Yes!
Oh, hello, there, Mr Jenkins!
IN SQUEAKY VOICE: "Hello, Georgie!"
"Er, I... I hope this is important,
cos I don't like being disturbed!"
Told you!
That nice young woman's here,
the one that wants to look round
the box. "That's a shocking shame,
cos I've completely changed
my mind about that."
"I don't want to sell anymore,
and that's definite."
I'm sorry.
He's changed his mind about -
Let me deal with this.
I'll speak to him myself.
She'd like to hear it
from the horse's mouth.
"Er... I'm too shy."
You're too shy?!
Sorry. He's too shy.
Yes.
You're lying. He's not here, is he?
On a slightly different tack...
DRAMATIC, ROMANTIC
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Never mind.
IN MR JENKINS' VOICE: Um...
I'm sorry about the inconvenience
and all,
and you coming all this way,
but I'm afraid I'm just too shy
to sell the box.
I'll give you 35,000... cash.
Errrrrrrr...
sold!
HISSING
Argh!
Don, Don! Don, Don!
I don't understand!
What?
I don't understand how burnt feet
are gonna keep us out the army.
Not burnt, you idiot. FLAT feet.
Argh! Agh! Don, Don, Don!
HISSING
Are you sure... Are you sure
you've got the right setting?
Yes! Wool, linen, feet.
Yeah, it's right.
Don, Don, Don!
It's not working!
Right. Your turn.
Er, no, no, no.
Er, I've had a much better idea.
It's a pity you didn't have
this much better idea
Well,
that's much better ideas for you.
I had no idea I was going to HAVE
this much better idea
And how much
better is this much better idea?
PLENTY much better!
MARTIAL WHISTLE-AND-DRUM MUSIC
Understand you're looking for
recruits, sir!
Take a seat.
Well, we are the men for you!
Where do we sign?
Oh, no!
Look at our feet!
They're as flat as flat can be.
Yes!
I suppose that rules US out.
Oh, well. Never mind.
Well, gentlemen,
I sympathise with your disability.
Thank you.
But these days in the forces,
there are jobs for people
with flat feet.
For instance, a desk job.
Oh!
Ohhh!
Please, sir, could... could I ask you,
er, not to say the word "desk"?
My associate is allergic
to the word "desk",
and I'm allergic to
my associate fainting, so...
No problems! There are no...
HE MOUTHS
..in the Parachute Regiment!
And those flat feet...
Good for landing.
Ordinarily, yes, you see,
but the beret,
at that velocity,
would just fly off.
And as for my associate...
Neither of us have got
the head for it, really.
So once again,
sadly, we must decline.
And you would've found out in the
end, so I might as well tell you,
but I've got a terrible chesty...
HE COUGHS
..cough, if you...
if you get my meaning.
And I've got a sort of
debility thing.
HE SHOUTS
Oh, look! There appears to be
roughly £35,000 on your desk.
Desk!
THEY SOB AND WHIMPER
SERGEANT SHOUTING ON PARADE GROUND
THEY CONTINUE TO SOB
SHOUTING FROM
PARADE GROUND CONTINUES
PATRIOTIC, MARTIAL
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
So, Preston, you honestly believe
that these two squaddies,
MacDiarmid and MacDiarmid,
are really spy material?
Yes, I do, sir. There's something
about them, Baybeigh, I like.
That's a... Status Quo song,
isn't it?
Yes, sir. Not one of their best.
Oh, no, no.
I always thought that, er,
Whatever You Want
was their most easy riff.
Yes.
Did you ever see them live, sir?
Mm, yes. I did, Rowe.
Yes. Hammers-...
Hammersmith Odeon, 1975.
Course, though, they still had
Spud Coghlan and Nuff Lancaster
with them then.
Well, you know, whatever happened
to that band that Spud formed?
What was it called? Diesel.
Never heard much about it.
Must've come to nothing.
Mmm. I expect so.
Well, come along. Can't stand here
all day chatting about the Quo.
Let's get on. Back to these,
er, two, MacDiarmid and MacDiarmid.
Do you really think they've got
Yes, I do, sir.
Yes, all right. Well, have them in.
Privates?
BOTH SOB
Stop crying!
BOTH CONTINUE TO SOB
Stand to attention!
BOTH SOB
Major, are you absolutely sure
about this?
I'd like to give them a chance.
But they're complete novices!
They're untrained, undisciplined...
Unlikely.
That's the point.
The enemy will never suspect them!
Trust me, sir. These two
will be our greatest spies yet.
Major, that is so simple,
it is STUPID.
But I like it.
I say, er, privates, you look
very uncomfortable in uniform.
Oh, we are a bit itchy.
Yes.
How would you like to go back into
civilian clothes
and come here and work with me
in Intelligence?
Intelligence? Well, naturally!
What
does "intelligence" mean again?
Does
it? All right. Come on, George!
Intelligence, intelligence.
Congratulations, both of you.
Welcome to MI5.
Thank you.
Now, you have been chosen partly
because of your intelligence,
but, er, also because very few
people want to be a spy nowadays.
It's post-Cold War, you see. There's
very few people left to spy on.
That's where you come in.
Right.
Here we are.
Yes.
Yes, well, I want you to come up
with a whole new agenda,
a whole list of possibilities
about spying,
like who should we spy on?
When should we spy on them?
What should we spy on them with?
Oh, well done!
That's exactly what I mean.
Here are your instructions.
Now, you read them, and when you
have, you destroy the information.
Here you are. You can use these.
When you cut up the paper,
you put it into that basket.
Now, when that is full,
I want you then to put it all
into there.
Now, in time, when that is full,
you put everything into that,
and when that is full, you leave it
outside your front door,
and one of our agents
will pick it up. Now, off you go,
back to your flat. Now, be careful,
because when you get there,
the whole place
will have been fitted out
spying
equipment. Spying equipment?!
Gadgets?!
YES!
SINISTER INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Now we'll know for sure
when we're going out.
What?
Look what they've given us!
Yes!
Eh?!
They look like innocent
Right.
But these ingenious
coloured tips... Ah!
..turn them into... sulphur guns!
Yes!
Eat flame, hellhound!
Burn, pig dog! Burn!
Good day, Mr D and Mr G.
By now you will, no doubt,
have found your sulphur guns.
Use them sparingly.
Average contents per box are 34.
Furthermore,
if you look in your freezer...
Hurry up, hurry
up! All right, all right!
You will find...
a mysterious Eastern lady
whose icy-cold heart
shall be melted ere long
by your charming Scottish brogues.
By God, she
must really like shoes!
Right! Business first, Don.
As is customary, this tape will
self-destruct in five seconds...
if you hammer it
with a baseball bat.
HE YELLS
Oh! By me!
He was right.
But...
..he didn't say goodbye.
Oh, I'm sure he must have.
IN CROAKY, BROKEN
VOICE: Goodbye.
Yeah?
..who are we gonna spy on, and why?
And remember, George,
it doesn't have to be -
The Swiss!
Yes!
Ah, there's so much
we don't know about the Swiss!
I mean, why are they so Swiss,
you know?
Why do they... Why do they insist
upon living in Switzerland?
Why haven't they been bothered
to invent their own language?
I mean, they're so lazy!
Why do they never fight wars?
Why is the country so -
Yes.
I mean, just, whoo! All the time!
OK. Switzerland it is. I'll pack.
Aye, dinnae. No, I'm not going to
the dump. No, no.
There's a nice Swiss restaurant
up the road.
We could start our mission there.
We could open our spying off
with a slap-up fondue for two.
Excellent!
Well, come on!
What are we waiting for?
For it to open. It's three
Oh, right.
19 Swiss restaurants destroyed
in the last three weeks!
Five more turned over because
they happened to be next door
to a Swiss restaurant. Three
supermarket managers harassed
for trying to sell
Emmental cheese...
A diplomatic crisis,
questions in the House...
What have you got to say
Goodbye?
Pleasure doing business with you!
Not so fast!
How fast, then?
Not as fast as that.
Where do you think you were going?
Home!
We sort of thought honourable
discharge with triple merit.
in
the post. No, no, no, no.
You know too much.
Ah, flattery will get you nowhere.
Are
you implying that you know nothing?
Well, just as the journey
to the centre of a single atom
is as infinite as a journey
to the end of the universe,
so it is with knowledge.
Now, if you please.
We accept, you see, that there is
an infinite amount of knowledge.
Therefore the man that knows
more than any other...
perhaps, what, ten million facts...
has not budged one centimetre
on the journey to knowledge.
It is as if a man
travelling to the moon
believes that
he has conquered the universe.
But no, no, no.
A journey of 97,000 miles
is but to stand still
in the infinite vastness of space.
So you see, to know nothing
is as close to knowing everything
as two adjacent molecules
on the nail of my little finger.
Gentlemen, nothing is everything!
So why are they spelt differently?
Well, that's very interesting, Brig,
but I'm just not interested.
You still don't understand.
GEORGE SIGHS
There is only one way
to leave the service.
THEY LAUGH
Come on!
We're hardly gonna kill you!
We're not gonna go THAT far.
Not me. You.
Well,
we're hardly gonna kill ourselves
just to get out of the service!
THEY LAUGH
No, I'd kill you.
YOU'D kill us?!
Well, not me personally, of course.
I'd have someone do it.
Well, it doesn't really
matter, does it? Just someone.
IN VICTOR MELDREW VOICE:
I don't believe you!
What's his name, this killer?
It really doesn't matter.
Just take my word for it.
No, George is right!
Who's this dark stranger
that comes silently in the night
to squeeze out our last breath?
This oh-so-secretive terminator?
This cold, calculating,
sub-human monster?
This harbinger of doom?
Come on! What's his name,
this terrible
angel of destruction?
Philip.
BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC
Oh, Pip. Delighted to meet you.
We've heard so much about you!
HE GROANS AND GRUNTS
HE CONTINUES TO GROAN
Don? Don? Don, what you doing?
Eh? I'm thinking.
Ah. I think you might be thinking
a wee bit too hard.
Maybe. Maybe, yes. George,
how did we get into this mess
in the first place?
What did you just say?!
I said, "How did we get into
this mess in the first place?"
HE GRUNTS EXCITEDLY / SPLUTTERS
Oh, no. Sorry.
I thought you'd given me an idea.
Well, I've seen that
happen so many times, you know?
Somebody says something
seemingly innocuous,
and then the next minute
somebody suddenly has an idea!
Well, maybe I could try saying
other innocuous things.
Yes. It's worth a throw.
Did you know that, er, Madrid
was the only capital city of Europe
not situated on a waterway?
That's not innocuous.
That's bloody interesting!
All right, all right. There are five
Scottish Football League teams
whose name begins and ends
in the same letter.
Don! Now, careful!
You're getting fascinating now!
Well, George, I'm sorry. I just
can't think of anything innocuous.
Just have an idea!
Oh! Of course! That's it!
Yes, yes, yes!
Have an idea!
It's been staring us in the face!
And the idea is...
OMINOUS INCIDENTAL MUSIC
SHUTTER CLICKS
OK. What've you got?
Look!
when
he's concentrating. Yeah. Yeah.
He sticks
his tongue out when he's concentrating.
We've got him on two counts.
Three, if you count the tongue thing.
OK. BOTH CLEAR THEIR THROATS
What do you want,
telephone engineers?
Oh, my God! Agents MacDiarmid!
Brigadier Baybeigh...
It's over.
I think perhaps it's time you...
find our dethk jobth!
If you get our meaning.
My God, you two are brilliant.
Do you know
you're the first people in 25 years
to spot that I still do that?
From there, it must have been
a very simple step
to discover Operation Borscht.
Then, of course, you've realised
that McNeill and Mikayla Chenkov
were working together
in the dead zone of Berlin.
If you got as far as the dead zone,
then...
..you must know about the general.
Ss-ss-sort of.
Remind us, though, I think!
The general would lead you to
the secretary of state, and the...
Oh, my God!
You know that I am the 38th man!
GUNSHOT
Ooh!
THEY GRUNT
Ugh!
You know, he really took that
tongue thing to heart, didn't he?
Maybe
we shouldn't have mentioned it.
Yeah. Milk?
No? Fine.
Easy! Easy! When!
Sorry. Sorry.
Er, no,
thanks, Don. How many?
Not two.
Not two. One... Not two.
Thank you. There we go! Well...
you know, Don, it was all nice
and simple in the end, wasn't it?
Yes. It all seemed to tie up
very neatly, didn't it?
You've got to come and get
your letter! It's down the depot!
You ripped me off!
You pretended to be Mr Jenkins!
I'm Mr Jenkins,
and you owe me £35,000!
Vat about me? When are you going
to varm my ice-cold heart?
There's been a great mistake.
This isn't my pin.
BURST OF DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC
Where IS he?!
HE SIGHS
Where have you
been? Getting your morning paper.
It did
take slightly longer than expected.
Yes. Two and a half years
is SLIGHTLY longer than expected.
You still want your breakfast?
Yes. I am a bit peckish, actually.
Ah! Mmm... Oh, Don.
What's this?
Croissant.
Am I expected to eat this?
What's wrong?
I ordered a ham roll!
their
sell-by date. Good work!
Mmm! Delicious!
So... why the delay?
What happened this time?
Ah, well, after the shops
I got chatting to someone.
For two and a half years?!
Oh, no, no. For two minutes.
Then I wandered
about on my own for a minute,
then I looked in a shop window
Right.
..and then there's seven seconds
which I just can't account for.
Oh, Don, we're dealing in a period
of two and a half years.
If you're gonna recount it
second by second,
we're gonna be here
for two and a half years.
Well, that's OK. We live here.
GEORGE SIGHS
Just give me the essentials.
Well, Thailand was nice!
I didn't care for Australia
or Scandinavia,
and the Balkan states,
well, take 'em or leave 'em.
Ah. So you've been travelling.
Well, for the first two weeks, yes.
Where have you been?
I found a pin.
I'm sorry?!
I found a pin.
Well,
why didn't you say so before?!
You found a pin!
Well, in that
case you're back early!
THAT
attitude... Don! No. No.
Honestly, I'm interested.
Whose pin was it?
Well, exactly my thoughts
on finding it. Whose pin, indeed?
I pictured a little old lady,
most likely recently widowed,
sitting alone in her cottage
in the forest...
without her favourite pin, so...
I embarked on
a nationwide search...
..hill and glen, for the pin's
owner, which search ended
when
I found the lady in question.
I've just come from
the joyful reunion.
Ironically, it belongs to...
Ironically, it belongs to
old Mrs McIvor round the corner.
Considering her nickname's
the Pin Lady, maybe I should've
started with her. I dunno.
It's easy with
hindsight, you know.
Donald?
You are the kindest man
I have ever met.
Waste not, want not.
MYSTICAL HARP MUSIC
Now,
my morning paper, if you will.
GEORGE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Thank you.
BURST OF DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
HE SQUEAKS / SPLUTTERS
We're at war!
That's terrible news!
No! That's excellent news, actually.
Yes! Just what the country needs.
Get everyone united
behind a common enemy, yes.
Bit of the Churchill spirit.
IN WINSTON CHURCHILL VOICE:
And my advice to you
is to cook your potatoes
in their jackets,
and grow your own onions!
Oh, I love a good war, yes.
Yes.
Genuinely amusing radio
programmes. Yes.
Conscription.
Conscription!
Conscription?! Hide!
Oh!
HE WHIMPERS
Oh, this is hopeless.
It's true, you know.
You can run, but you can't hide.
Speak for yourself, George.
Oh, that's true. Yes. Yes.
can run, but I can't hide.
Yes. Whereas you,
you can hide, but you can't run.
Not strictly true, George.
Eh?
Ah, yes!
You can run, but you CAN hide.
No, no, no.
You can run,
but you can't hide your legs.
Or the other way round.
You can hide your legs,
but you can't run.
POUNDING AT DOOR
The conscription officer! Oh, no!
I don't want to go to war.
I'm too tall to die!
I'm... I'm... I'm simply too
handsome to wear camouflage!
People need to see me!
POUNDING AT DOOR
Don! What are we gonna do,
and when are you gonna do it?
Now! I've got a foolproof plan.
Foolproof! Go to it.
Go away! We're not in!
POUNDING AT DOOR
Didn't work!
GEORGE SOBS
I'm too good a dancer to march!
POUNDING AT DOOR
OK, plan B! Get in the box.
It'll be OK. Oh, quick!
DON CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY
Come in!
Donald and George MacDiarmid?
Er, no!
No. They don't live here anymore.
They've, er...
They've joined the army.
That's right.
So, er, we live here now.
My name's Mr Box,
and this is my charming wife,
Mrs Box.
IN FALSETTO: Hello, there!
We're just off for the weekend
with the Packages, and that posh
young couple, the Egg-Cartons.
So bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye, now!
TRAFFIC RUMBLES
How long are we gonna have to hide
out here, Don?
we're
too old to be conscripted, whichever comes first.
Gosh, I never realised
Cardboard City was as nice as this.
This is
Cardboard Suburbia. Oh!
Here's for an idea.
Clever!
Oh! Yes, yes!
I like it!
They'll never find us here.
Well, it's a bit cramped.
You might have to give up
the dance lessons.
Ah, no. I can teach the class
Yeah?
HE GRUNTS
SOUNDS OF RAPID-FIRE TAP-DANCING
Yes, yes.
We'll be very happy here, I think.
Oh! Even better! Darts!
Fancy a game?
No. I don't like darts.
It makes you fat.
Oh...
All
right. Nearest to bull starts.
Right.
Oh! You win. On you go.
OK!
180!
This looks pretty easy!
Damn! 26.
Ah! Never mind.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, no!
That'll be the conscription officer.
I'm too hairy to wear a helmet!
Good morning!
I'm a member of the general public.
THEY SIGH IN RELIEF
I'm here to look round the box.
I'm interested in buying.
Oh! No. So sorry. Can't be done.
I arranged with the box's owner, Mr
Jenkins, to have a look round today.
He's
changed his mind. Yes, that's right.
He doesn't want to sell anymore.
No. No.
So, where is Mr Jenkins?
He's... He's working. He's not in.
Yes. He's doing some repairs
on the extension.
Then, I'll go and have a word
with him, then, shall I?
No, no!
He doesn't like to be disturbed.
I'm sure he
won't mind. Oh, he will!
He's got a furious temper.
Yes! Yes, furious!
I think I can cope, thank you.
No. Listen. I tell you what.
I'll... Yes. I'll pop through,
Yes.
straight
back... to you, OK? Yes!
Oh, hello, there, Mr Jenkins!
IN SQUEAKY VOICE: "Hello, Georgie!"
"Er, I... I hope this is important,
cos I don't like being disturbed!"
Told you!
That nice young woman's here,
the one that wants to look round
the box. "That's a shocking shame,
cos I've completely changed
my mind about that."
"I don't want to sell anymore,
and that's definite."
I'm sorry.
He's changed his mind about -
Let me deal with this.
I'll speak to him myself.
She'd like to hear it
from the horse's mouth.
"Er... I'm too shy."
You're too shy?!
Sorry. He's too shy.
Yes.
You're lying. He's not here, is he?
On a slightly different tack...
DRAMATIC, ROMANTIC
INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Never mind.
IN MR JENKINS' VOICE: Um...
I'm sorry about the inconvenience
and all,
and you coming all this way,
but I'm afraid I'm just too shy
to sell the box.
I'll give you 35,000... cash.
Errrrrrrr...
sold!
HISSING
Argh!
Don, Don! Don, Don!
I don't understand!
What?
I don't understand how burnt feet
are gonna keep us out the army.
Not burnt, you idiot. FLAT feet.
Argh! Agh! Don, Don, Don!
HISSING
Are you sure... Are you sure
you've got the right setting?
Yes! Wool, linen, feet.
Yeah, it's right.
Don, Don, Don!
It's not working!
Right. Your turn.
Er, no, no, no.
Er, I've had a much better idea.
It's a pity you didn't have
this much better idea
Well,
that's much better ideas for you.
I had no idea I was going to HAVE
this much better idea
And how much
better is this much better idea?
PLENTY much better!
MARTIAL WHISTLE-AND-DRUM MUSIC
Understand you're looking for
recruits, sir!
Take a seat.
Well, we are the men for you!
Where do we sign?
Oh, no!
Look at our feet!
They're as flat as flat can be.
Yes!
I suppose that rules US out.
Oh, well. Never mind.
Well, gentlemen,
I sympathise with your disability.
Thank you.
But these days in the forces,
there are jobs for people
with flat feet.
For instance, a desk job.
Oh!
Ohhh!
Please, sir, could... could I ask you,
er, not to say the word "desk"?
My associate is allergic
to the word "desk",
and I'm allergic to
my associate fainting, so...
No problems! There are no...
HE MOUTHS
..in the Parachute Regiment!
And those flat feet...
Good for landing.
Ordinarily, yes, you see,
but the beret,
at that velocity,
would just fly off.
And as for my associate...
Neither of us have got
the head for it, really.
So once again,
sadly, we must decline.
And you would've found out in the
end, so I might as well tell you,
but I've got a terrible chesty...
HE COUGHS
..cough, if you...
if you get my meaning.
And I've got a sort of
debility thing.
HE SHOUTS
Oh, look! There appears to be
roughly £35,000 on your desk.
Desk!
THEY SOB AND WHIMPER
SERGEANT SHOUTING ON PARADE GROUND
THEY CONTINUE TO SOB
SHOUTING FROM
PARADE GROUND CONTINUES
PATRIOTIC, MARTIAL
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
So, Preston, you honestly believe
that these two squaddies,
MacDiarmid and MacDiarmid,
are really spy material?
Yes, I do, sir. There's something
about them, Baybeigh, I like.
That's a... Status Quo song,
isn't it?
Yes, sir. Not one of their best.
Oh, no, no.
I always thought that, er,
Whatever You Want
was their most easy riff.
Yes.
Did you ever see them live, sir?
Mm, yes. I did, Rowe.
Yes. Hammers-...
Hammersmith Odeon, 1975.
Course, though, they still had
Spud Coghlan and Nuff Lancaster
with them then.
Well, you know, whatever happened
to that band that Spud formed?
What was it called? Diesel.
Never heard much about it.
Must've come to nothing.
Mmm. I expect so.
Well, come along. Can't stand here
all day chatting about the Quo.
Let's get on. Back to these,
er, two, MacDiarmid and MacDiarmid.
Do you really think they've got
Yes, I do, sir.
Yes, all right. Well, have them in.
Privates?
BOTH SOB
Stop crying!
BOTH CONTINUE TO SOB
Stand to attention!
BOTH SOB
Major, are you absolutely sure
about this?
I'd like to give them a chance.
But they're complete novices!
They're untrained, undisciplined...
Unlikely.
That's the point.
The enemy will never suspect them!
Trust me, sir. These two
will be our greatest spies yet.
Major, that is so simple,
it is STUPID.
But I like it.
I say, er, privates, you look
very uncomfortable in uniform.
Oh, we are a bit itchy.
Yes.
How would you like to go back into
civilian clothes
and come here and work with me
in Intelligence?
Intelligence? Well, naturally!
What
does "intelligence" mean again?
Does
it? All right. Come on, George!
Intelligence, intelligence.
Congratulations, both of you.
Welcome to MI5.
Thank you.
Now, you have been chosen partly
because of your intelligence,
but, er, also because very few
people want to be a spy nowadays.
It's post-Cold War, you see. There's
very few people left to spy on.
That's where you come in.
Right.
Here we are.
Yes.
Yes, well, I want you to come up
with a whole new agenda,
a whole list of possibilities
about spying,
like who should we spy on?
When should we spy on them?
What should we spy on them with?
Oh, well done!
That's exactly what I mean.
Here are your instructions.
Now, you read them, and when you
have, you destroy the information.
Here you are. You can use these.
When you cut up the paper,
you put it into that basket.
Now, when that is full,
I want you then to put it all
into there.
Now, in time, when that is full,
you put everything into that,
and when that is full, you leave it
outside your front door,
and one of our agents
will pick it up. Now, off you go,
back to your flat. Now, be careful,
because when you get there,
the whole place
will have been fitted out
spying
equipment. Spying equipment?!
Gadgets?!
YES!
SINISTER INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Now we'll know for sure
when we're going out.
What?
Look what they've given us!
Yes!
Eh?!
They look like innocent
Right.
But these ingenious
coloured tips... Ah!
..turn them into... sulphur guns!
Yes!
Eat flame, hellhound!
Burn, pig dog! Burn!
Good day, Mr D and Mr G.
By now you will, no doubt,
have found your sulphur guns.
Use them sparingly.
Average contents per box are 34.
Furthermore,
if you look in your freezer...
Hurry up, hurry
up! All right, all right!
You will find...
a mysterious Eastern lady
whose icy-cold heart
shall be melted ere long
by your charming Scottish brogues.
By God, she
must really like shoes!
Right! Business first, Don.
As is customary, this tape will
self-destruct in five seconds...
if you hammer it
with a baseball bat.
HE YELLS
Oh! By me!
He was right.
But...
..he didn't say goodbye.
Oh, I'm sure he must have.
IN CROAKY, BROKEN
VOICE: Goodbye.
Yeah?
..who are we gonna spy on, and why?
And remember, George,
it doesn't have to be -
The Swiss!
Yes!
Ah, there's so much
we don't know about the Swiss!
I mean, why are they so Swiss,
you know?
Why do they... Why do they insist
upon living in Switzerland?
Why haven't they been bothered
to invent their own language?
I mean, they're so lazy!
Why do they never fight wars?
Why is the country so -
Yes.
I mean, just, whoo! All the time!
OK. Switzerland it is. I'll pack.
Aye, dinnae. No, I'm not going to
the dump. No, no.
There's a nice Swiss restaurant
up the road.
We could start our mission there.
We could open our spying off
with a slap-up fondue for two.
Excellent!
Well, come on!
What are we waiting for?
For it to open. It's three
Oh, right.
19 Swiss restaurants destroyed
in the last three weeks!
Five more turned over because
they happened to be next door
to a Swiss restaurant. Three
supermarket managers harassed
for trying to sell
Emmental cheese...
A diplomatic crisis,
questions in the House...
What have you got to say
Goodbye?
Pleasure doing business with you!
Not so fast!
How fast, then?
Not as fast as that.
Where do you think you were going?
Home!
We sort of thought honourable
discharge with triple merit.
in
the post. No, no, no, no.
You know too much.
Ah, flattery will get you nowhere.
Are
you implying that you know nothing?
Well, just as the journey
to the centre of a single atom
is as infinite as a journey
to the end of the universe,
so it is with knowledge.
Now, if you please.
We accept, you see, that there is
an infinite amount of knowledge.
Therefore the man that knows
more than any other...
perhaps, what, ten million facts...
has not budged one centimetre
on the journey to knowledge.
It is as if a man
travelling to the moon
believes that
he has conquered the universe.
But no, no, no.
A journey of 97,000 miles
is but to stand still
in the infinite vastness of space.
So you see, to know nothing
is as close to knowing everything
as two adjacent molecules
on the nail of my little finger.
Gentlemen, nothing is everything!
So why are they spelt differently?
Well, that's very interesting, Brig,
but I'm just not interested.
You still don't understand.
GEORGE SIGHS
There is only one way
to leave the service.
THEY LAUGH
Come on!
We're hardly gonna kill you!
We're not gonna go THAT far.
Not me. You.
Well,
we're hardly gonna kill ourselves
just to get out of the service!
THEY LAUGH
No, I'd kill you.
YOU'D kill us?!
Well, not me personally, of course.
I'd have someone do it.
Well, it doesn't really
matter, does it? Just someone.
IN VICTOR MELDREW VOICE:
I don't believe you!
What's his name, this killer?
It really doesn't matter.
Just take my word for it.
No, George is right!
Who's this dark stranger
that comes silently in the night
to squeeze out our last breath?
This oh-so-secretive terminator?
This cold, calculating,
sub-human monster?
This harbinger of doom?
Come on! What's his name,
this terrible
angel of destruction?
Philip.
BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC
Oh, Pip. Delighted to meet you.
We've heard so much about you!
HE GROANS AND GRUNTS
HE CONTINUES TO GROAN
Don? Don? Don, what you doing?
Eh? I'm thinking.
Ah. I think you might be thinking
a wee bit too hard.
Maybe. Maybe, yes. George,
how did we get into this mess
in the first place?
What did you just say?!
I said, "How did we get into
this mess in the first place?"
HE GRUNTS EXCITEDLY / SPLUTTERS
Oh, no. Sorry.
I thought you'd given me an idea.
Well, I've seen that
happen so many times, you know?
Somebody says something
seemingly innocuous,
and then the next minute
somebody suddenly has an idea!
Well, maybe I could try saying
other innocuous things.
Yes. It's worth a throw.
Did you know that, er, Madrid
was the only capital city of Europe
not situated on a waterway?
That's not innocuous.
That's bloody interesting!
All right, all right. There are five
Scottish Football League teams
whose name begins and ends
in the same letter.
Don! Now, careful!
You're getting fascinating now!
Well, George, I'm sorry. I just
can't think of anything innocuous.
Just have an idea!
Oh! Of course! That's it!
Yes, yes, yes!
Have an idea!
It's been staring us in the face!
And the idea is...
OMINOUS INCIDENTAL MUSIC
SHUTTER CLICKS
OK. What've you got?
Look!
when
he's concentrating. Yeah. Yeah.
He sticks
his tongue out when he's concentrating.
We've got him on two counts.
Three, if you count the tongue thing.
OK. BOTH CLEAR THEIR THROATS
What do you want,
telephone engineers?
Oh, my God! Agents MacDiarmid!
Brigadier Baybeigh...
It's over.
I think perhaps it's time you...
find our dethk jobth!
If you get our meaning.
My God, you two are brilliant.
Do you know
you're the first people in 25 years
to spot that I still do that?
From there, it must have been
a very simple step
to discover Operation Borscht.
Then, of course, you've realised
that McNeill and Mikayla Chenkov
were working together
in the dead zone of Berlin.
If you got as far as the dead zone,
then...
..you must know about the general.
Ss-ss-sort of.
Remind us, though, I think!
The general would lead you to
the secretary of state, and the...
Oh, my God!
You know that I am the 38th man!
GUNSHOT
Ooh!
THEY GRUNT
Ugh!
You know, he really took that
tongue thing to heart, didn't he?
Maybe
we shouldn't have mentioned it.
Yeah. Milk?
No? Fine.
Easy! Easy! When!
Sorry. Sorry.
Er, no,
thanks, Don. How many?
Not two.
Not two. One... Not two.
Thank you. There we go! Well...
you know, Don, it was all nice
and simple in the end, wasn't it?
Yes. It all seemed to tie up
very neatly, didn't it?
You've got to come and get
your letter! It's down the depot!
You ripped me off!
You pretended to be Mr Jenkins!
I'm Mr Jenkins,
and you owe me £35,000!
Vat about me? When are you going
to varm my ice-cold heart?
There's been a great mistake.
This isn't my pin.
BURST OF DRAMATIC INCIDENTAL MUSIC
SWING-STYLE BIG-BAND THEME MUSIC