Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Box Office Bombs vs. NASCAR - full transcript

Today, it's oil slicks and bad flicks as NASCAR takes on Hollywood's Box Office Bombs. It's the classic battle of fast cars vs. 'Ishtars.' Games - Drop Dead Line, Muddy Runs, Chum in the Mouth, and Battlefeltch Earth.

[Announcer] Get
fired up for MXC,

the world's most toughest
competition in town.

Today, it's oil
slicks and bad flicks

as NASCAR takes on
Hollywood's box-office bombs.

It's a classic battle of
fast cars versus Ishtars.

And now, two guys who
are always in the fast lane...

Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Ha!

It's NASCAR versus the
crappiest movies ever made.

Ken, big box office does
not a good movie make.

There are art films,
independent films



such as Amélie,
Under The Tuscan Sun

or anything with
Dame Doodi Dench.

Crappy movies.

Kenny, all right, you tell
me what's a good film?

Uh, Kill Billy
Madison, Volume 2?

Uh, Son of Sam-in-Law, or
anything with Pauly Shore.

Yeah, let's go to Guy.

All right, just slow
down there, my friend.

We still haven't mentioned
the NASCAR folks,

American's number
one spectator sport.

Yeah, that's 'cause you can
go to the track, get trashed

and watch people crash and burn.

Kenny, NASCAR drivers
are highly skilled athletes.

They put their lives
on the line every day.



Rednecks are
cool. Let's go to Guy.

Guy here at the
local Cine Megaplex.

I seem to be the
first and last in line

for the Ben
Affleck film festival.

Oh, look! A couple
of Affleck fans.

Oh, no. They're just
Elvis impersonators.

Hold onto your tickets because
we swing like George of the Jungle

into Drop Dead Line.

We play hardball
with Muddy Runs,

Jaws 3 dies again with
Chum In The Mouth,

and then we get lost in
space with Battlefeltch Earth.

Oh, let me ask these
lovely ticket gals

how the Affleck
Film Festival is doing.

Tell me, pretty lady,
do you live alone?

Yeah. Why?

And how are the
ticket sales going?

Jennifer Garner just
cancelled her tickets.

[crying] Now I'll
never get to touch Ben!

Listen, how many
think NASCAR racing

has become the
great American sport,

exhibiting the ultimate
synchronicity of man and machine?

Show of hands, now! [all cheer]

Well, you're wrong.

The proponents of NASCAR are
inbred, beer-swilling mullet heads

who only live for car crashes
and collecting disability.

Oh, speaking of white
trash, who might you be?

I'm Madonna.

Oh! Singing diva. Yes.

You're not only a
singer, you're an author,

and you're box office poison.

I'm speaking of course
about Swept Away.

Thank you. Oh, please stand up.

May I say you look
marvelous for a 46-year-old?

You have firm, muscular thighs.

You can crush a man's
head like a walnut.

I feel like a virgin touched
for the very first time.

Now, Madonna, I understand
through your people

that you think you can
do the Captain's job.

Well, let's see.

Get it on. How was that?

You need to Captainize
it and add cojones.

Imagine you can act. Go ahead.

Uh, let's go.

[Vic] And it's time
for Drop Dead Line.

Grab the rope and
swing to the pad,

but stay out of
our safety fluid.

[Ken] Which is porta-potty pit
stop gravy from the Hormel 500.

Top of the food chain!

And up first is Def Gordon,

the urban driver of the
orange Fanta soda car.

He recently won the Colt-4500.

It's never his fault
when he loses.

He always plays the race card.

That's right. He is a
colorful driver and... Oh!

He barely kisses
the rim there, Ken.

Look. He's drowning.

NASCAR drivers can't swim.

Ah, the stereotype must be true.

I bet his bling is
holding him down.

Suckers, please!

And first up for Box
Office Bombs is J-Load,

the embarrassed star of Gigli.

To bad it didn't do better.

She had a big back-end deal.

Yeah, it stunk. Right you are.

Oh! And she's down
immediately, Ken.

I saw it on cable. It was so bad,
I walked out of my own house.

When I start my
car, it goes "Vroom."

And here's NASCAR
champ Kyle Potty

who was trained by
his father Richard.

Oh, so he was Potty trained?

Right you are, Ken.

For the Pottys,
racing is their duty.

And let's see here... Oh!
He takes it on the chin

and drops himself
off at the pool.

Let's see that again.

I heard Potty Jr.
Once got in trouble

for trying to fill
his dad's shoes.

You might be right. Ha!

Making copies!

And here's Knob Schneider,

alleged star of
Douche Bagalow 2.

They took a big risk by not
making the sequel a comedy.

Right you are. I
didn't laugh once.

Yeah. I stood in line
to get out of the theater.

Right you are. Oh! The
Douchenator eating mud,

sipping sludge, slurping sewage.

I molested a priest!

And next up, one of the lady
legends of NASCAR Shaina Robinson.

Yeah, when she got into
racing, no man could lick her.

Right you are. Oh! She
dents her bumper there, Ken!

Oh! I think she
crushed he tailpipe.

She's gonna need some bodywork.

Let's see that again.

Yeah, right here, she
smashes her crumple zone

and gets her bearings
packed and lubed.

Let's go to Guy.

Are you all right?

You seem to have
broken your oil can.

Do you smell metal scraping?

I'm leaking fluid.

Yes, you do seem to be
a quart low. I'll check it.

Hey, you're not an
authorized dealer.

I brought my own dip stick.

I already got your money. Yes!

And next up for the
Bombers, it's Keanu Heaves,

famous for tanking
in Constantine.

Yeah, he had a
prefect record of bombs

until he ruined it
with The Matrix.

Right you are, but he got

his batting average
back up with Hardball.

Oh! He tanks it again.

Did you see
Something's Gotta Give?

In fact, I did.

What was harder to watch,

that old lady's boob or
Jack Nicholson's ass?

Keanu's acting.

My father art in heaven.

And next up, the son of
NASCAR great Daryl Bernhardt,

Daryl Bernhardt, Jr.

Poor kid, He really took
his dad's death hard.

Yeah, I heard he drove the pace
car at his dad's funeral procession.

Oh! Say hello to
daddy. He is road kill.

Let's see that again.

That is our MXC Impact Replay.

You can see he fishtails
and hits that platform

harder than the wall at Daytona.

Big deal. I get smashed at
Daytona every spring break.

I pee in a cup.

And next up, Kevin Costmore

from the big budget
bomb Waterworld.

Wasn't that the movie
where he had gills

and drank everyone's urine?

I think you have
him confused with me

at last year's Christmas party.

Oh! And right there,
Costmore's back on top, Ken!

He's done it!

So thanks to Mr. Costmore,

the cinematic stinkers
have taken an early lead, 1-0.

Ah, Christmas party.

Look at me, driving the
pace car for the Hot Carl 500.

[groans]

Yeah, there we go.

Let's see. Throw out the clutch.

[starts engine]

Let's see. Been a while
since I drove a shift.

There we go. And, uh, off we go.

Whoa! [crash]

Aah!

Hey, Vic, does this outfit
make my ass look flat?

Indeed.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

find out who gets
to second base.

Ha ha. Gut it, mud flap.

[Announcer] MXC is back
as the NASCAR drivers

take on the Stepford Wivers.

Oh, Kenny, let's take a
look at this. What is it?

It's Michael Boore's first film.

Fahrenheit 7-11.

It died at the box office.

Yeah, he's that fat whiny guy.

Yeah, let's play it on this
portable blue-tooth enabled

Wi-Fi, fax machine, movie
projector and food processor.

All righty. There we go.

[imitating Reagan]
Well, Mr. Gorbachev,

the wall has to come down

or I'll unleash
Star Wars on you.

[Russian accent] If it's the one
with Jar Jar Binks, I surrender.

Good. So we're in agreement.

We tear down
the wall, subdivide,

and build condos.

Let's shake on it.

Oh. Your hands are stiff and
cold like you touched death.

Ha ha. Yeah, well, I just
gave Nancy a back rub.

Let's go down to the 7-11.

Yes, we'll grab
some chili big bites,

and I will have the nachos
with the thick orange liquid.

Tell Ron Jr. to butch
up, will ya? Dasvedanya.

I finally got my hand
on the Captain's sword.

Get it on!

[Vic] And it's time
for Muddy Ruins!

On the mound, Hall OF
Fame pitcher Ronnie Finger.

He'll deliver the high hard one

while contestants try to
make it from first to second

without getting a
mouthful of number two.

Want to see the
back of my shirt?

And first up is Len Wood.

He's Ricky Red's
pit crew fluffer.

What's that?

He jacks up the cars just
before they explode out of the pit.

And let's see what he does here!

Oh! You're out!

Wood gets stuck in the mud.

And he is out.

Let's see that again on
our MXC Impact Replay.

You can see right there
Wood stiffens, stretches.

But ends up with
a face full of mud.

He went totally limp.

You're out!

I've been punk'd.

Next up, Dummi Moore,

star of Striptease and GI Jane,

two humungous flops.

I thought she had
her flops redone.

Right you are, but she's
still sagging at the box office.

Oh! She is out!

She's Brat-fudge-packed.
Let's go to Guy.

Was Charlie's
Angels your best flop?

Oh, no, I have more coming up.

What? Striptease: Full Throatle.

Knuckle-manwich.

And here's Jumbo Johnson,

the top driver of ASCAR,
the gay racing circuit.

Yeah, they're always
rear-ending each other.

Oh! Finger with the
brush-back pitch.

There's goes Johnson,
Ken! Looks like he's...

Oh! Gliding
smoothly into second,

and he is safe!

What an incredible run.

Thanks to that wild
pitch from Finger.

Hey, babysitter, babysitter.

And next up, it's Jude Laudy,

star of Sky Cap and The
World of Two Carry-ons Or Less.

Yeah, Jude got a piece
of the gross and tips.

Right you are.

There he is, forced
back to the bag.

Here comes the next pitch.

Let's see what he does here.

And there it is. Sky Cap goes,

and he grabs an
unattended bag, Ken.

He is safe.

Red alert.

And here's driver Kurt W. Bush

who's car is sponsored
by the Do-It-Yourself

Homeland Improvement Store.

Oh, yeah. Home Despot.

Right you are. Bush running,
but he seems to be slipping, Ken.

Looks like he's
run his last race.

Right you are, Ken.
You can see W there.

It appears he's trying to wiggle
his way out of this quagmire.

Oh, God! Without much success.

I think he might
be enjoying himself.

He's covered in soupy scoopies
from Catwoman's litter box.

It burns your eyes.

This is almost as bad
as watching the movie.

You lift your hands

and then wipe it over
the top of your head.

Still eating the swordfish.

There's a bit electrifying
star, John Travoltage

from the cult classic
bomb Battleship Girth.

Yeah, he's been
on Dietenics so long,

you think he'd lose some weight.

Right you are. Oh!
And he is out there, Ken.

Are you really bi?
I'm completely gay!

Look. He's failing
his personality test.

Oh, and it looks like
we're gonna have

a change of pitcher, Ken.

That's Goose Sausage
taking the mound

replacing a dejected
Rollie Finger.

I bet he gets
severance Finger pay.

Well, we can only hope.

And up for NASCAR,
it's Michael Beltrip,

who started out
in midget racing.

Yeah, midget racing's cool.

I always wanted to see Gary
Coleman take on Webster.

Right you are, Ken.

It looks like he's got himself
in a little bit of a pickle there.

Let's see what he does.

Manages to move around.

Oh! And he gets in there, Ken!

He's underneath the tag

and scores another for NASCAR.

So the Box Office Bombers
score once, but that's not enough

as NASCAR enters with
two more points of their own,

and we're tied up, 2-2.

Hey, Vic, I'm starting
a NASCAR team.

Oh! Well, I assume
you have a driver,

an experienced pit
crew, and a sponsor.

Forget that. I just wanna
crash and get hot chicks.

Nothing more
appealing to the ladies

than a third-degree
burn and a road rash.

Ha ha! Yeah!

[Announcer] Just when
you thought it was safe

to go back in the water,
it's Chum in the Mouth!

Ha ha! On MXC.

[Announcer] MXC is back as
lousy flicks take on NASCAR hicks.

Ha ha ha! Yee-haw!

Well, Kenny, what
have you got there?

It's the shrinking machine from
that Schwarzenegger movie.

Oh. Well, what movie was that?

Honey, I Shrunk My Nads.

Here, check it out.

What? Hey! Oh! Oh!

[voices getting higher]

Whoa, Kenny, where are we?

I think we just shrunk.

Wow. That is one
gnarled giant bush.

Yeah, it looks
just like my nana's.

In the front yard
or the back yard?

It's the same on
both sides. I see.

Look, enough horticulture.

How are we gonna get
back to out normal size?

Oh, who cares? Let's sneak under
the door in the girls locker room.

[Vic] It's time for
Chum in the Mouth.

Jump over the deadly
rings of calamari,

slither through
the shark's mouth

without becoming a wad of chum.

I enjoy wearing my
mother's underwear.

And who doesn't?

First up is NASCAR
sponsor Clem Mydia,

president of STD motor oil.

That STD logo spreads
from one car to the next.

Right you are. Oh! It
looks like Mr. Mydia

could have used some
protection there, Ken.

Let's take another
look at that one.

Right here. He takes the leap,
slides in unprotected and regrets it.

Right you are, Ken.

Who wants a piece of me?

And from The
Hulk, it's Eric Vano.

That movie was so bad, the
live-action stuff looked fake.

Oh, right you are. And that run
could have used a little CGI, Ken.

I like single malt
and dirty rides.

Next up, Motorcrap auto
parts driver Mickey Mudd.

That guy's always leaving
skid marks all over the track.

Right you are. You can see
Mudd straining there and...

Oh! Looks like our track
left a mark on him, Ken.

That is our MXC Impact Replay.

Yeah, he goes really fast,
then he goes really slow,

and Mickey Mudd slides
into our septic sludge.

Next up, Josh Hardnut.

I lost my left shoe.

He, of course, from the
movie Pearl Necklace Harbor.

Yeah, that was one surprise
explosion after another.

Oh! Looks that that took
him by surprise there, Ken.

Let's take another look.

As you can see right here,

Josh takes a huge triple
chum shot right to the face.

Give me more pie!

Here's Susan Bowling,

that official NASCAR
double D-cup trophy girl.

Yeah, the winner gets to take her
home and mount her on the wall.

Oh! And she just smashed
into our sludge there, Ken.

Let's take another look.

Okay, right here, Vic.

That's a trophy I'd like
to put on my mantel.

Yes, right up next
to your beer bong

and your nude Etch-a-Sketch
drawing of Jenna Jameson.

Ha ha! Yeah! Free lap dance!

And here's Elizabeth Barkley

from one of the most popular
flops of all time, Showgirls.

Yeah, that movie's the best

Saved By The Bell
episode I ever saw.

Right you are, and the
bonus features on the DVD

make it quite a
worthwhile purchase.

Highly recommend it.

I hate milk.

And here's racing
Mecca star Babaganoush.

Yeah, he's sponsored
by Dura-Sleeper-Cell,

and he took the checkered
towel last year at Iraq.

Oh!, Well, he's certainly gonna
need a pit stop after that run, Ken.

Who's taking pictures?
I'll Sean Penn you.

Look, Ken, from Justin to Kelly

it's, uh... what's his name?

Uh, it's, uh... His name's uh...

Well, anyways, let's
take another look at, uh,

what's his face?

Oh, that's driving me crazy.

He's that gay guy with the afro.

Randy Jackson?

Hmm. Never would have guessed.

So with no successful chumers,

we're still tied at 2-2.

Hey, Vic, look. It's Daryl
Hannah's giant juice

from Attack of the
50-Foot Woman.

Try it.

Why don't you have your little
buddy Jimmy Fallon drink it?

Yeah, his career sucks.

Here, drink it. Good?

In 50-Foot Woman,
Daryl Hannah's butt

is almost as big as J-Lo's.

And her nippularies are
about the size of fire hydrants.

That tastes like
crap, doesn't it?

Kenny, that was only a movie.

Yeah, but it really
worked. Watch.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, dear.

Hey, dude, if you're gonna
drop a deuce, go outside.

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Hurry up, you're crowning.

Vic, I think he's gonna
take a giant growler.

Let's watch.

It makes you grow
and it makes you go.

All right, let's take a look.

Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey!

Hey, how'd my
clothes get bigger?

[Vic] Heavens, he's enormous.

[roars]

Uh-oh. He has to
go to the bathroom.

Vic, we gotta get out of here.

[Vic] This doesn't look good.

Oh!

The wrath of Jimmy's
bowels are upon us!

Oh, man! Oh, God, Ken!

[Jimmy roars]

[both groaning]

You know what
I'm thinking? What?

This stinks worse than Taxi.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

it's more former
big star wars. Ha ha!

Got it, paper cut?

[Announcer] MXC is
back for the final battle

between NASCAR
and Box Office Bombs.

It's high-speed crashers
versus Pluto Nashers.

Hi there. I'm race
champion Rusty Waltrip,

founder of the NASCAR
pool, with a few safety tips.

Make sure you have
at least one headlight,

wagon is spelled correctly,

and an assortment
of license plates,

a sturdy cow tipper, and
at least three good tires.

Now, when on the
road, check all gages

and make sure you cup
holder's in proper alignment

to avoid senseless
scrotal scaldings,

whether you're stupidly
driving on the wrong side

or sensible driving
on the right side.

And remember, I may risk
my life on the speedway,

but I would never
risk my family's life.

Thank you.

Hey, honey, crack open
another beer for me, will ya?

Hey, Timmy, you're
wearing your seatbelt?

No. Good boy.

Pulling into traffic now.

Wow. That was
really educational.

I wonder what kind of beer
he drinks when he drives.

Well, I always preferred the brews
that came in the big-mouth bottles

'cause they could double
as urinals for long trips.

Sky! Wars!

Hey, remember, we're
all equipped with lasers.

And what do they
do? They shoot at us.

And we shoot back.

Hey, don't point that thing.

The first one to get hit loses.

Time for Battlefeltch Earth.

[all] Battlefeltch Earth.

Not feeling it!

[Vic] And first up,

it's the official NASCAR
hop Susie Creamer.

She gives the drivers
curbside service in her pits.

You mean like Rollergirl
in Boogie Nights?

Not exactly, Ken,
but she services them

and gets them off
in under 4.8 seconds.

And you can see right
there, the Mockulators

lighting the course,
firing at special spots.

Oh! And it's a direct hit!

The Mockulators aren't
happy just blowing you up.

They don't stop till
they make you cry.

I sleep with a light.

Next up, Oscar
winner Jamie Flops,

best remembered for Ray
and forgotten for Stealth.

Yeah, in Ray, he played
a guy who couldn't see,

and in Stealth, he played a
guy no one wanted to see.

Right you are.

He's traveling down the
Kersey Alley exchanging fire.

Oh! He takes a direct hit
from a Tom Cruise missile.

Yo, Vic, Jamie Flops is the most
successful of the Wayans brothers.

Uh, I just woke up.

And here's Marky Martin,

driver of the Viagra car.

Yeah, NASCAR's
hardest car to beat.

Right you are. Even after
he crosses the finish line,

he just keeps going and going.

Marky shoots his gun
a little prematurely.

Oh! And he's hit by
a flashing torpedo.

I thought he'd give
them stiffer competition.

He wasn't up very long.

He certainly is
limping along there.

What a shame.

Are you trying to seduce me?

And here's Dustin Huffman,

star of history's biggest
box office disaster Ishtar.

We asked this actor how he
prepared for this cinematic fiasco.

I read the first and the
last page of the script

and then I get my
money up front.

Hey, if nobody saw Ishtar,
how do they know it's a flop?

Ah, good question,
Ken. Not sure.

But I do know that after Ishtar,

he had an outbreak of bad roles.

I liked him as Tootsie
and Mrs. Doubtfire.

Ah, good to know, Ken.

And there's a volley
of fake torpedoes.

And he unmocks the Mockulators.

Chalk one up for the flopsters.

Here's our MXC
Impact Replay, Ken.

Let's take a look.

[Imitating Rain Man] Five
shots. He won the game.

Five shots. Yeah, five
shots. He won the game.

Five shots. He won the game.

I like Judge Wapner.

Ha ha. Kenny, that's
a terrific impersonation.

I wasn't doing an impersonation.

I like Judge Wapner.
Of course you do.

Wapner.

I like Buffalo wings!

And that's Cassie Fisterton,

driver of the
Hooter's racing team.

Yeah, she distracts
the other drivers

by constantly
adjusting her headlights.

Right you are, Ken.

And you can see right there...

Cassie is blasted hard!

And that means no checkered
flag for the NASCAR team.

And Dustin Huffman finally has
a hit for the Box Office Bombers

as they race past NASCAR
to the winner's circle 3-2.

Whoo! Hey, Vic, what kind
of plane is this? It's a biplane.

Oh, like the one Leonardo
DiCaprio flew in The Aviator?

Funny you should say that.

You know, I've always
been biplane curious myself.

But that's for another show.

For now, let's enjoy the fact
that we have the original plane

for the horrific Dino De
Laurentiis remake of King King.

Wow. Let's get some
M-80s and blow it up.

Ah, and speaking of
bombs it's time for...

Starting off at number
10, it's Kyle Potty

who desperately dives for
the rim with his Potty mouth.

Someone wash that
mouth out with soap.

At number 9, it's Dummi Moore

who's covered in septic sludge
all the way up to her Ashton...

and her Kutcher.

At number 8, it's Dustin
Huffman who wins by a nose.

I mean a humongously
gigantic and enormous nose.

And number 7 goes to
STD motor oil's Clem Mydia.

For Clem, losing
is hard to swallow.

And number 6 goes the
pit crew flopper Len Wood

who dices in head first
and goes totally limp.

What a softie.

And number 5 is the NASCAR
lady legend Shaina Robinson

who rear-ends herself and
mangles her driver's seat.

And number 4 goes
to Kurt W. Bush,

who barely gets started but
declares mission accomplished.

And coming in at number 3,

it's official NASCAR
hop Susie Creamer,

who gets hit on, likes it,
now's she's going down.

And working his way to number
2 is NASCAR driver Mickey Mudd

who squeezes it out with
a hop, skip, and a dump.

And my most painful
elimination of the day

goes to Daryl Bernhardt Jr.

Who takes a wrong turn
and has a head-on collision.

Ouch! I'm giving him
the checkered barf bag.

Ken, you are not gonna
blow up this plane.

Please, please, please,
please? Let me do it. Come on!

Kenny, we've gotta get it
back to the Smithsonian.

You understand?

Yeah, let's just blow
up the Smithsonian.

It's just a bunch
of old crap anyway.

Kenny, just take
us out. All right.

What do we always say?

[all] Don't get eliminated!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA