Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Desperate Housewives vs. Ultimate Fighters - full transcript
Indiscretion rules as the shameless 'Desperate Housewives' take on the Ultimate Fighting Champs...It's the classic battle of head butts vs. nice butts. Games - Take a Leek, Mudd Buttlers, Sinkers and Floaters, Dash to Death, and Log Drop.
[Announcer] Get
fired up for MXC,
the world's most toughest
competition in town.
Today, indiscretion rules
as the shameless
Desperate Housewives
take on the Ultimate
Fighting Champions.
It's the classic battle
of head-butts versus nice butts.
And now, two guys
who are no match
for Wisterical blindness,
Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano!
Ahh, indeed, it is
good to be back. Huh?
Uh, what's with
the moustache, Vic?
Well, Kenneth, I thought an air of
sophistication might be appropriate
with all of today's
Desperate Housewives
It makes you look old.
Actually, women find a
moustache quite manly.
Only two kinds of
men have moustaches,
cops and gay cops... Ow! Kenny.
Hey, that's police brutality.
Can't we all just
get along? [laughing]
Well, not when you
pit Ultimate Fighters
against Desperate
Housewives, Ken.
Yeah, my money's on the MILFs.
Let's go to Guy.
Hi. Guy here.
Just back from my
annual check-up,
where the doctors repeatedly
probed me and discovered
I had a kidney stone the
size of a Super Bowl ring.
Here's a diagram of my kidney
and the gem stone,
which I anticipate
will pass slowly and painfully.
[laughing] I love
the word painfully.
And now, to our games.
The number 1 game,
that we'll be playing today
is Take A Leek.
Then, it's on to number
2 with Mudd Butlers.
And then, I'm flushed
with excitement
for Sinkers And Floaters.
And then, we trot
over to Dash To Death.
We'll end up making a big splash
in Log Drop.
That's what I'm
talking about, baby!
Here comes the stone!
I'm passing the stone!
Oh, Skipper, can you see?
I'm passing the stone!
I am passing
the... [squirt, thump]
There's the stone.
Skipper, it's the
size of a small child.
Question, how many think
that Desperate Housewives
is good, clean fun?
A harmless social
satire of today's woman?
Show of hands now!
[cheering] Well, you're wrong.
It's a sham.
Take these two life partners
who tried to move
into Wisteria Lane.
What happened?
Tell us your story.
We're shunned. I was humiliated.
Just because you were different,
they turned their backs on you.
Demonstrate.
There was all sorts
of mud-slinging.
Somebody does their
squats around here.
Mmm, sad. Tragic, in fact.
Well, moving on, you!
You're obviously a
Desperate Housewife.
Please stand.
[low voice] I'm actually
an Ultimate Fighter.
Sorry, the knee pads
down there threw me off.
You won't see that again
because the Captain
is never wrong.
Right? That's right.
Sit down, miss...
sir, whatever you are.
[Woman] We love you, Captain!
Thank you, I could
feign embarrassment,
but you have very
good taste. [giggling]
[clearing throat]
Let's go! [cheering]
[Vic] And today's battle
begins with Take A Leek.
The object is to aim up
over the Porcel-incline,
straight through the
electrified cheese cloth,
take a long, healthy leek
and go right in the pot.
[whistle blowing] Get it on!
[Vic] And our contestants
answer nature's call
as they head to
the Porcel-incline.
[Kenny] It's Fellatia
Huffsman leading by a head.
The steady stream
of contestants climb
the overflowing slick
surface. [electrical buzzing]
And there's Ultimate
Fighting trainer Marc Flamin'.
Look at him cut the cheese
cloth. He's getting fried.
There's a whole group
of Desperate Housewives.
They're bunching up there, Ken.
Their show creator Marc Cherry
leaving a hellacious skid mark.
There's Eva's Desperate
House-husband, Carlos.
And he's taking a giant leek.
He'll have to aim for the pot!
I hope he can hold it.
[toilet flushes]
And Carlos wins!
Look, Ken, he is
flushed with excitement.
Look, they're crossing swords.
So, after one event,
Desperate Housewives
1, Ultimate Fighters none,
let's quickly move
to our second event,
Mudd Butlers
Each player taps an inflated
goat bladder with a meat mallet,
sending it down the
maze of mayhem.
Players race down
the steps of doom
and attempt to
catch the swollen orb
before flying into the
bog of mystery mud.
[whistle blowing] Get it on!
I only eat soft cheeses
and cabbage. Yea!
First up for Desperate
Housewives,
it's Teri Flatcher.
Heh, Flatcher.
Of course, she
plays Susan Mayer,
Wisteria Lane's sexually
frustrated divorcée.
Yeah, she's hot. Indeed.
Ms. Flatcher has developed
quite a following, Ken.
He character is
soft-spoken, calculating,
and strikes without warning.
So you're saying
she's silent but deadly?
Right you are, Ken.
Oh, and she hits hard,
throwing up some serious mud.
Let's move on to our
first Ultimate Fighter.
Drink bleach.
Here's Randy Couture,
better known as "Au Natural."
He specializes in
Greco-Roman wrestling,
and he prefers the Greco
over the Romans, Ken.
I guess that makes him
light-heavyweight in his loafers.
And he's into a classic
Ultimate Fighter
ankle-lock-and-load.
And dives into our safety fluid!
What is today's sludge, Ken?
That's mammy batter
from Uncle Stinky's
Prune Pancake Palace.
Crime pays!
And here's Eva Ghonoria,
the Latin bombshell
and S.T.Diva who
plays Gabrielle,
the girl with the
infectious smile.
She's got a real open
sore spot for her husband.
She's been ho-ing
around with the gardener.
Right you are, Ken.
She's picked up a
lot of gardening tips,
especially with that face-plant.
Let's hear what
she's got to say.
So you're a natural
beauty, right? Yes.
What makes you
better than the rest?
Because Nicollette's always
shooting Botox on the left,
and Teri's binging and
purging on my right.
Who stole my lunch?
And next up, that's
Georges St. Pierre.
Better known as Filthy Pierre.
Who can forget when
he came face to face
with Diego Sánchez?
Filthy Pierre versus
Dirty Sánchez. Oh! Oh!
Lots of smear tactics.
And stinky finger pointing.
And judging by the
crowd's reaction,
that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Well, it doesn't take a
rocket surgeon to know
that if the ball's here,
and the dude's over there,
never the 'twaint
shall be. Thank you.
Next up, P.T.A.
mom Marcia Crass.
I've got a gun.
She plays Bree Van De Kamp.
Yeah, her life's perfect,
except her kids hate her,
her husband divorced her,
and then he O.D.ed
on placebos and died.
Oh, kids, please. Just say
no to placebos, won't you?
We can see Marcia right there.
She... Looks like
she's done it! Solid goal!
Her platter has
plopped into the bed pan.
Let's take another
look at that, Ken.
You can see right here,
she's perfectly
aligned with the platter,
and into the pan it goes.
Wham, bam, thank you, miss.
And bringing up the rear...
I took Pierre's lunch.
It's Chuck Liddell. They
call him the Ice Man.
I tell you, Ken, the
Ice Man cometh.
Yeah, and then he rolls
over and goes to sleep.
Indeed, but not right now.
You can see him
standing there at attention,
completely erect,
trying to time the
release perfectly.
And will he? Oh! Oh!
He went too soon,
Ken! He made a mess.
He should have thought
about baseball or something.
Indeed, and Marcia Crass
gives the Desperate Housewives
a 2 to nothing lead.
I think I'd bet all your
ex-wives were desperate.
Well, as usual,
I will shrug off your
callous glibness.
Let's go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
We're gonna get off our rocks.
Got it, splash-guard?
[Announcer] MXC is back
with the battle of
the homemakers
versus the neck-breakers.
Vic, this is so cool.
We're going to introduce
the newest Ultimate Fighter.
It is indeed a privilege
and an honor, Ken.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm getting paid for it.
What? ♪ Ta da da ♪
Peerless Price Fister.
Ah, it says here he was
born without a lower body.
Sick. Half man, half nothing.
Yeah. Bet I could kick his ass.
Unfortunately, Ken,
he doesn't have one.
And it's time for
Sinkers & Floaters.
Our contestants
must cross the river
without swallowing a
mouthful of septic sludge.
[whistle blowing] Get it on!
And the Desperate
Housewives up first.
I'm not going to shout! Aah!
Here's Wisteria
renter Gloria Hole.
Yeah, she has a
little place in the rear.
Oh! She has rocked
hard, Ken. Oh!
Let's take another look at that.
Yeah, let's go to our
MXC Impact Replay.
And just like Guy,
this is probably
the worst time for her
to try to pass a stone.
Very interesting.
I found a booger.
I flicked it.
And here's Leon Tevye,
a master of the Israeli art
known as Hasidic JiuJitsu.
Yeah, his cut man's a
moyel. He worked for tips.
Oh! And he's down.
Get it, worked for tips?
Yes, I got it, Ken.
Get well, Roy Horn!
Next up for Desperate
Housewives, it's Barry Flint.
He runs the local
wife-swap-meet.
That's where I get all my
sloppy second-hand stuff.
Oh, and he's down.
And next up from UFC,
EMT, Dee Dee Bee. Stat!
Dee Dee works at the
UFC reassembly center,
where she is the
head nurse. [groaning]
Scalp reattachment
is excruciating.
Just relax.
At UFCMC, we pride ourselves
on our highly
professional medical team.
Who wants Percocet?
I do. I do. I do.
Wow, that was a deeply
inspirational piece.
Uh, what kind of nurse
did she say she was?
I think she said she
was a head nurse.
Ha! Head nurse.
Kenny Youngman strikes again.
Oh! Oh!
Ha ha. Now she's a wet nurse.
Oh, good one, Kenny.
I've got my grandmother's eyes
in my pocket. Ha, ha.
And here's Daisy Pusher.
She's the disembody
double for Mary Alice Young.
Isn't she the one who
killed herself to death?
Oh! And she comes
to a tragic end herself.
Man, I'm droll!
And next up, that's Matt Huge,
one of the biggest
members of the UFC.
Yeah, he's so big, he
can hardly fit into the ring.
Right you are. Oh! Oh!
He goes into a mount
position on that rock.
Looks like a full-mounty to me.
Indeed.
And after a short
refractory period,
he's back up and going again!
Oh, and he is down!
Let's take another
look at that, Ken.
You can see right
here, there's the mistake,
a little stutter step.
And right there...
Should've used his third leg.
Right you are.
I have man-boobs.
And this is Jane Hathway.
She works at Wisteria park
as a fore-playground monitor.
Look at her go.
Oh, she's down.
Her man-boobs are just
like yours, Vic. Kenny.
I like corned beef on rye!
And here's Jeffrey Talmer,
founder of the Ultimate
Fighting kid camp,
high atop the Black and
Blue Ridge Mountains.
Yeah, they have cool activities
like broken
finger-painting, thug-of-war,
and smear the
effeminate counselor.
Oh, and look at
that! Jeffrey wins it!
Let's take another look at that
in our reverse angle cam.
Rib, rob, rawb...
Kenny, what are you doing?
Um, just reversing
it. [tape backspin]
I've lost my mind!
And here's Ann
Quirer, gossip columnist
for the monthly periodical,
the Wisteria Lane Rag.
Oh. Ooh.
She gets nervous when it's late.
Don't we all, Ken?
Man, she's moody.
Let's go down to Guy.
Hey, Guy, want to see
what Teri Hatcher looks like
when she gets up in the morning?
Guy would like that very much.
Here's what she looks
like without her makeup.
[growling] Oh, Guy likes!
Would you like to see what Guy
looks like in the morning? Huh?
God, you're kidding, right?
I pay for love.
And here's featherweight,
Popeye Sailor.
He's inventor of the
chicken chokehold.
Yeah, you have to
squeeze the head till it
cuts off circulation
and turns purple.
It's all in the grip, Ken.
Oh! And he loses his, there. Oh!
And he comes up limp.
Right you are, but no matter
because Jeffrey Talmer
puts the Ultimate
Fighters on the board.
And it's now 2 to 1,
Desperate Housewives.
Wow, what an
exciting match, Ken.
Yeah, those housewives are hot.
Indeed, and when we come back,
we're going to unveil
Wisteria Lane's newest vixen.
Does she have legs?
Does it really matter, Ken?
[Announcer] Coming up on MXC,
it's matter over mind.
Got it, brain shunt?
[Announcer] MXC is back
with more gals in tears
versus cauliflower ears.
Now, Kenny, let's meet
Wisteria Lane's newest resident.
Ashley K. Laterno.
She does all the underage
dudes on the block.
Indeed. I believe it
was Pascal who said,
"The heart has its reasons
"which reason does not know."
I believe it was
Sir-Mix-A-Lot who said...
Ah, yes, the English
poet laureate.
Let me think. Oh, yeah.
[off beat] My anaconda
don't want none
unless you got buns, hon.
Ha. Ken, have you
even read Shakespeare?
Yeah, my milk shake-speares
all the boys to the yard
Damn right, it's
better than yours.
Ahem, forgive me.
It's time for Dash To Death,
the object to get across
the obstacle course
without getting dashed to death.
And there to meet the winners,
are UFC ring bunnies,
Patty and Pauline Short.
Also known as the Short Hares.
Forget a lucky rabbit foot,
I'm a rabbit thigh man.
And first up, Barbie Bratz.
I just swallowed a fly.
Inventor of the Desperate
Housewives action figure.
Yeah, they're plastic,
just like the real ones.
Right you are. All the
dolls come with two faces.
Knife in the back not
included. Right you are...
Oh! And right down the back.
And she is off
into the muck, Ken.
Let's take another look at that.
Zyko got his rock off right
on the back of her head.
Right you are.
I finally saw Jaws.
And next up, middleweight
Ultimate Fighter, Kurt Snout.
Kurt formerly a morbidly
heavyweight champ.
Who now has recently
lost over 400 pounds.
Yeah, he used to
overpower his opponents.
Now he smothers them
with his flesh apron.
A truly unorthodox
submission hold for sure, Ken.
When I was a kid,
I remember finding
some Cheetos and a quarter
in my nana's folds of skin.
Good to know.
He used to take up the
entire steel cage octagon.
You have to be
pretty huge to fill
all seven sides of
the octagon. Or 8?
Anyway, look at him go
there, past the green dangler.
Moving on down, into
the contraceptive sponges.
And here come the
nards of doom! Yeah!
Oh, he's past them.
Oh! And into the mud, Ken.
What a shame.
I'm hooked on Febreeze!
Next up, Nip Tuck.
Ladies love him.
He's Wisteria Lane's
door-to-door cosmetic surgeon.
I love his ads.
Hey, Collagen
Man. Right you are.
He's given out more fat
lips than Tom Sizemore.
Let's see what he does here.
Oh! He's dumped all over himself
in the Cleveland steamroller.
I live alone!
Next up, Ultimate Fighter
flamboyant ring announcer,
Michael Fluffer.
He's had a hand at getting
everyone up for a match.
All his friends on
Fire Island love it
when he says "Let's
get ready to Rumba."
Every time he opens his mouth,
somebody somewhere
is getting pumped.
Let's see what he does here.
Going through the
contraceptive sponges.
That's one angry
dragon. Right you are.
Getting taunted,
there, by Sporky.
Right there, going
across the green dangler.
Let's see, looks like
he's going to make it
through the sponges again,
and up to the nards of doom.
[Michael] Balls.
Oh!
And he got blue-balled
right there, Ken.
And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.
Let's take another look.
Clearly, nothing worse
than getting
blue-balled from behind.
Yeah, I'm proud of him, Vic.
He took it like a
real convict. Indeed.
Let's go down to Guy.
Oh, I must admit,
I'm surprised you have a family.
Everyone is.
How would you
describe your daddy?
I'd say he's gay.
Is your wife in agreement?
No, he's straight.
I can't say it with a straight
face, he's totally gay.
Care to Rumba?
Hey, get away from my car.
Up for Desperate
Housewives, it's Andrew Gump.
By day, he's a garbage
man, by night, a male escort.
Yeah, he picks up
the trash in the morning
and then take it out for
dinner and dancing at night.
Right you are. Says right
here, he once lost his watch
while digging around
in someone's dumper.
Oh, check that.
That was dumpster.
[laughing] They're right there.
Looks like he's going to lose
elude the angry dragon, Ken.
Yeah, he chalk it up with some
powdered man-meal for extra grip.
Got to hang onto the
green danger... Oh!
Aw, man.
He just cracked his coccyx.
Right you are, Ken,
but even injured,
he's trying to finish the job.
Back up on the sponges
there, Sporky taunting him.
Let's see what he does
Oh! Off with the helmet, Ken.
Back up onto the
green dangler, Oh! Oh!
And he dribbles off
into the fluid, Ken.
Yeah, that's skimmings from
the Wisteria Lane hot tub club.
These shorts rub me raw!
And up once again,
it's Ultimate Fighter
Jeffrey Talmer.
Who also runs the family
eatery Beans Burger.
[both] ♪ Beans
Burger is family fun ♪
♪ Warm and juicy,
between your buns ♪
[passing gas]
[both] Beans Burger.
And of course. As
we mentioned earlier,
Jeffrey runs the Ultimate
Fighter camp for kids,
and opening this summer,
a camp just for
sick kids, of all ages.
They play games like
Pop Goes the Measles,
and Marco Polio.
They also make really
neat MedicAlert lanyards.
That sounds like
fun. I wish I was sick.
Some would say you are, Ken.
Look at that!
Going on top of
the green dangler.
Wait a minute, that's cheating.
Well, let's see.
Look right there.
Oh, the two-footed forward flick
off the green dangler,
Ken, unbelievable.
Total projectile plummet, there.
Indeed. He squeezes himself
under the nards of doom.
It's like he's
teasing the blue ball.
Right you are, Ken. When you
see a ball coming towards your chin,
you've got to take action.
Then he passed
the gangrenous ball.
Grabs the ropey strand,
mocks the brown spider,
and he makes it, Ken!
And he's mobbed by the
UFC ring bunnies, Short hares.
Right you are. So chalk one
up for the Ultimate Fighters.
So after four events,
thanks to Jeffrey Talmer,
we are all tied up at 2 to 2.
Stay where you are,
there's a whole lot more me
when we get back.
You don't want to miss it.
Thanks, Captain,
but I think you're
cutting in on my action.
Next up, it's Log Drop.
Fool-headed jack-ass.
[Announcer] MXC is back
with the final battle
of Ultimate Fighters versus
Desperate Housewives.
It's takedowns
versus nightgowns.
We're on, Vic. Oh, welcome back.
Kenny, it's time
to unveil the winner
of our make your own
septic sludge contest.
We sampled over 100,000 entries.
Yeah, the winner was
called Derdoody Schnitzel.
Why don't you
give us the recipe?
It's this man-made mixture
of Hofbräuhaus
bar rag squeezings
and Stagged in
Polish sausage water.
Ah, yes, and his name
is Little Jordy Harmon.
[whistle blowing] Get it on.
And it's time for Log Drop.
Bring back Pong.
Hey, no free
promotions. Let's go.
First up for the Desperate
Housewives, it's Tyra Pennington,
America's Next Top
Home and Hair Stylist.
Yeah, she goes to
extreme measures
to make sure the carpet
matches the drapes.
Right you are, oh, and
she's down into her fluid.
Nothing worse than
the smell of wet carpet.
Right you are, Ken.
DeBarge!
That, of course, a reference
to the supergroup of the '80s.
This Ultimate
Fighter calls himself
the Secretary of
Prostates, Colon Powell. Oh!
Oh, he really knows his
way around the brown ring.
Right you are, Ken.
Let's see what he does here.
He goes into a Fallen Leader,
then into a prone
Press Junket. Oh! Oh!
That one had to hurt him
right to his diplomatic corpse.
Next up, Corky
Spazzler. I can do this.
I don't see him on the
Desperate Housewives fact sheet.
Everyone knows he's the
kid who lives under the sink.
Ahh, Wisteria Lane's
dirty little secret.
Oh! Oh!
I've been knocked normal.
And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.
You can see right there,
he starts to lose control,
and I think that log might have
knocked the stupid
right out of him, Ken.
Next up, Steve Boner.
I take from the poor.
He's one of UFC's
most popular fighters.
Yeah, Boner gets
so much attention,
it's given him a swollen head.
Right you are. Close to the
two-fisted submission hold.
Oh! Oh!
Lost his grip on
that one. Indeed.
I'm number one!
Here's surrogate
nanny, Nan Dresser.
They say she has the
best Au Pair on the block.
Right you are. Oh!
She's down into the fluid.
Let's go down to Guy and
see what she has to say.
It must be lonely
being the only surrogate
on Wisteria Lane.
I'm not the only surrogate.
Here are the others.
Come over, girls!
Whoa. Guy likes these odds.
With four of you, even
Guy might surro-get some.
[all laughing]
See what I did?
I'm a choo-choo
train. Toot, toot.
Here's Ultimate
Fighter Guano Fartex.
Known as the Bat Boy.
That's weird, he
only fights at night.
Yes, he overcomes his opponents
by nocturnal submission.
And he drops into
our septic sludge.
Right you are. Let's take a
look at that one more time.
Maybe two more times.
Kenny, get away
from the tape machine.
I only wear a two-piece.
This is Leslie Ann Nielsen.
She's part of the Nielsen family
and the Captain caught up
with this overrated actress earlier.
So, what do you do
with your Nielsen box?
My box? I fiddle with
it while I watch TV.
Oh. I would too.
This appears to be
a popular pastime
for Wisteria Lane's
Desperate Housewives.
She's going all the way, Vic.
Another popular pastime for
the Desperate Housewives.
Oh! Oh!
Leslie Ann Nielsen has
spread herself too thin.
Poor thing.
She'll never be able to have
her own Nielsen family now.
But it looks like she's
setting herself for cancellation,
pulls herself to the
top of the ratings,
and Leslie Ann
Nielsen has scored.
Wow. Freeze it right there.
What are we looking at, Ken?
I used to have a pair of
dolphin shorts just like that.
[laughing] Kenny.
Here, smell this.
And here's Middle
East-weight champ,
Fatoush Baba ghanoush.
He comes from
the fertile crescent.
That's where he perfected
his famous Camel-Toe Hold.
Right you are, Ken. Oh!
And he's into our septic sludge.
That means the Desperate
Housewives have taken it all.
So, as Leslie Ann's teammates
jiggle with excitement,
it looks like the Ultimate
Fighters are tapped out,
and the Desperate
Housewives win it 3 to 2.
Wow, MILFs are
hot, and athletic, too.
Indeed, they are, Ken.
And I think the
Desperate Housewives
proved they always end
up on top. Yeah, yeah.
And you know what
time it is now, Ken?
Uh, MILFer time?
No, it's time for...
Starting at number 10,
it's desperate husband Carlos,
who nets a big
win, takes a big leek,
and barely makes it in the pot.
Number 9 goes to
sexy Teri Flatcher,
who almost squeezes
one out for her team.
Number 8 goes to Hasidic
Jiu-Jitsu expert Leon Tevia,
who wasn't only meshugeneh,
he was nuts for trying this.
And number 7 goes to
UFC champ Steve Boner,
who whacks his head repeatedly.
He keeps doing that,
he'll go blind, ha ha.
Number 6 goes to Matt
Huge, who gets his rock off
and takes a second
one for granite. Ha ha!
Number 5 goes to
doll maker Barbie Bratz,
who turns her own darn
self into a bobble head.
Ha, bobble.
Number 4 goes to
brain-impaired Corky Spazzler,
who has to be fished out
by a short yellow submarine.
Number 3 features
garbage man Andrew Gump,
who painstakingly
trashes his dumper.
And the 2 spot
goes to Gloria Hole,
who is struck between a
rock and a scarred face.
And the Most Painful
Elimination of the Day
goes to Ultimate Fighter
Georges Filthy Pierre,
takes it on the chin,
knowing the only thing that
separates him from greatness
is a thin, brown line.
He just buries his head in it.
Au revoir, Pierre.
Exciting as always,
Ken. Yeah, I know.
And what do we always say?
Gentlemen, if you'll join me.
Don't get eliminated!
Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
fired up for MXC,
the world's most toughest
competition in town.
Today, indiscretion rules
as the shameless
Desperate Housewives
take on the Ultimate
Fighting Champions.
It's the classic battle
of head-butts versus nice butts.
And now, two guys
who are no match
for Wisterical blindness,
Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano!
Ahh, indeed, it is
good to be back. Huh?
Uh, what's with
the moustache, Vic?
Well, Kenneth, I thought an air of
sophistication might be appropriate
with all of today's
Desperate Housewives
It makes you look old.
Actually, women find a
moustache quite manly.
Only two kinds of
men have moustaches,
cops and gay cops... Ow! Kenny.
Hey, that's police brutality.
Can't we all just
get along? [laughing]
Well, not when you
pit Ultimate Fighters
against Desperate
Housewives, Ken.
Yeah, my money's on the MILFs.
Let's go to Guy.
Hi. Guy here.
Just back from my
annual check-up,
where the doctors repeatedly
probed me and discovered
I had a kidney stone the
size of a Super Bowl ring.
Here's a diagram of my kidney
and the gem stone,
which I anticipate
will pass slowly and painfully.
[laughing] I love
the word painfully.
And now, to our games.
The number 1 game,
that we'll be playing today
is Take A Leek.
Then, it's on to number
2 with Mudd Butlers.
And then, I'm flushed
with excitement
for Sinkers And Floaters.
And then, we trot
over to Dash To Death.
We'll end up making a big splash
in Log Drop.
That's what I'm
talking about, baby!
Here comes the stone!
I'm passing the stone!
Oh, Skipper, can you see?
I'm passing the stone!
I am passing
the... [squirt, thump]
There's the stone.
Skipper, it's the
size of a small child.
Question, how many think
that Desperate Housewives
is good, clean fun?
A harmless social
satire of today's woman?
Show of hands now!
[cheering] Well, you're wrong.
It's a sham.
Take these two life partners
who tried to move
into Wisteria Lane.
What happened?
Tell us your story.
We're shunned. I was humiliated.
Just because you were different,
they turned their backs on you.
Demonstrate.
There was all sorts
of mud-slinging.
Somebody does their
squats around here.
Mmm, sad. Tragic, in fact.
Well, moving on, you!
You're obviously a
Desperate Housewife.
Please stand.
[low voice] I'm actually
an Ultimate Fighter.
Sorry, the knee pads
down there threw me off.
You won't see that again
because the Captain
is never wrong.
Right? That's right.
Sit down, miss...
sir, whatever you are.
[Woman] We love you, Captain!
Thank you, I could
feign embarrassment,
but you have very
good taste. [giggling]
[clearing throat]
Let's go! [cheering]
[Vic] And today's battle
begins with Take A Leek.
The object is to aim up
over the Porcel-incline,
straight through the
electrified cheese cloth,
take a long, healthy leek
and go right in the pot.
[whistle blowing] Get it on!
[Vic] And our contestants
answer nature's call
as they head to
the Porcel-incline.
[Kenny] It's Fellatia
Huffsman leading by a head.
The steady stream
of contestants climb
the overflowing slick
surface. [electrical buzzing]
And there's Ultimate
Fighting trainer Marc Flamin'.
Look at him cut the cheese
cloth. He's getting fried.
There's a whole group
of Desperate Housewives.
They're bunching up there, Ken.
Their show creator Marc Cherry
leaving a hellacious skid mark.
There's Eva's Desperate
House-husband, Carlos.
And he's taking a giant leek.
He'll have to aim for the pot!
I hope he can hold it.
[toilet flushes]
And Carlos wins!
Look, Ken, he is
flushed with excitement.
Look, they're crossing swords.
So, after one event,
Desperate Housewives
1, Ultimate Fighters none,
let's quickly move
to our second event,
Mudd Butlers
Each player taps an inflated
goat bladder with a meat mallet,
sending it down the
maze of mayhem.
Players race down
the steps of doom
and attempt to
catch the swollen orb
before flying into the
bog of mystery mud.
[whistle blowing] Get it on!
I only eat soft cheeses
and cabbage. Yea!
First up for Desperate
Housewives,
it's Teri Flatcher.
Heh, Flatcher.
Of course, she
plays Susan Mayer,
Wisteria Lane's sexually
frustrated divorcée.
Yeah, she's hot. Indeed.
Ms. Flatcher has developed
quite a following, Ken.
He character is
soft-spoken, calculating,
and strikes without warning.
So you're saying
she's silent but deadly?
Right you are, Ken.
Oh, and she hits hard,
throwing up some serious mud.
Let's move on to our
first Ultimate Fighter.
Drink bleach.
Here's Randy Couture,
better known as "Au Natural."
He specializes in
Greco-Roman wrestling,
and he prefers the Greco
over the Romans, Ken.
I guess that makes him
light-heavyweight in his loafers.
And he's into a classic
Ultimate Fighter
ankle-lock-and-load.
And dives into our safety fluid!
What is today's sludge, Ken?
That's mammy batter
from Uncle Stinky's
Prune Pancake Palace.
Crime pays!
And here's Eva Ghonoria,
the Latin bombshell
and S.T.Diva who
plays Gabrielle,
the girl with the
infectious smile.
She's got a real open
sore spot for her husband.
She's been ho-ing
around with the gardener.
Right you are, Ken.
She's picked up a
lot of gardening tips,
especially with that face-plant.
Let's hear what
she's got to say.
So you're a natural
beauty, right? Yes.
What makes you
better than the rest?
Because Nicollette's always
shooting Botox on the left,
and Teri's binging and
purging on my right.
Who stole my lunch?
And next up, that's
Georges St. Pierre.
Better known as Filthy Pierre.
Who can forget when
he came face to face
with Diego Sánchez?
Filthy Pierre versus
Dirty Sánchez. Oh! Oh!
Lots of smear tactics.
And stinky finger pointing.
And judging by the
crowd's reaction,
that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Well, it doesn't take a
rocket surgeon to know
that if the ball's here,
and the dude's over there,
never the 'twaint
shall be. Thank you.
Next up, P.T.A.
mom Marcia Crass.
I've got a gun.
She plays Bree Van De Kamp.
Yeah, her life's perfect,
except her kids hate her,
her husband divorced her,
and then he O.D.ed
on placebos and died.
Oh, kids, please. Just say
no to placebos, won't you?
We can see Marcia right there.
She... Looks like
she's done it! Solid goal!
Her platter has
plopped into the bed pan.
Let's take another
look at that, Ken.
You can see right here,
she's perfectly
aligned with the platter,
and into the pan it goes.
Wham, bam, thank you, miss.
And bringing up the rear...
I took Pierre's lunch.
It's Chuck Liddell. They
call him the Ice Man.
I tell you, Ken, the
Ice Man cometh.
Yeah, and then he rolls
over and goes to sleep.
Indeed, but not right now.
You can see him
standing there at attention,
completely erect,
trying to time the
release perfectly.
And will he? Oh! Oh!
He went too soon,
Ken! He made a mess.
He should have thought
about baseball or something.
Indeed, and Marcia Crass
gives the Desperate Housewives
a 2 to nothing lead.
I think I'd bet all your
ex-wives were desperate.
Well, as usual,
I will shrug off your
callous glibness.
Let's go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.
We're gonna get off our rocks.
Got it, splash-guard?
[Announcer] MXC is back
with the battle of
the homemakers
versus the neck-breakers.
Vic, this is so cool.
We're going to introduce
the newest Ultimate Fighter.
It is indeed a privilege
and an honor, Ken.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm getting paid for it.
What? ♪ Ta da da ♪
Peerless Price Fister.
Ah, it says here he was
born without a lower body.
Sick. Half man, half nothing.
Yeah. Bet I could kick his ass.
Unfortunately, Ken,
he doesn't have one.
And it's time for
Sinkers & Floaters.
Our contestants
must cross the river
without swallowing a
mouthful of septic sludge.
[whistle blowing] Get it on!
And the Desperate
Housewives up first.
I'm not going to shout! Aah!
Here's Wisteria
renter Gloria Hole.
Yeah, she has a
little place in the rear.
Oh! She has rocked
hard, Ken. Oh!
Let's take another look at that.
Yeah, let's go to our
MXC Impact Replay.
And just like Guy,
this is probably
the worst time for her
to try to pass a stone.
Very interesting.
I found a booger.
I flicked it.
And here's Leon Tevye,
a master of the Israeli art
known as Hasidic JiuJitsu.
Yeah, his cut man's a
moyel. He worked for tips.
Oh! And he's down.
Get it, worked for tips?
Yes, I got it, Ken.
Get well, Roy Horn!
Next up for Desperate
Housewives, it's Barry Flint.
He runs the local
wife-swap-meet.
That's where I get all my
sloppy second-hand stuff.
Oh, and he's down.
And next up from UFC,
EMT, Dee Dee Bee. Stat!
Dee Dee works at the
UFC reassembly center,
where she is the
head nurse. [groaning]
Scalp reattachment
is excruciating.
Just relax.
At UFCMC, we pride ourselves
on our highly
professional medical team.
Who wants Percocet?
I do. I do. I do.
Wow, that was a deeply
inspirational piece.
Uh, what kind of nurse
did she say she was?
I think she said she
was a head nurse.
Ha! Head nurse.
Kenny Youngman strikes again.
Oh! Oh!
Ha ha. Now she's a wet nurse.
Oh, good one, Kenny.
I've got my grandmother's eyes
in my pocket. Ha, ha.
And here's Daisy Pusher.
She's the disembody
double for Mary Alice Young.
Isn't she the one who
killed herself to death?
Oh! And she comes
to a tragic end herself.
Man, I'm droll!
And next up, that's Matt Huge,
one of the biggest
members of the UFC.
Yeah, he's so big, he
can hardly fit into the ring.
Right you are. Oh! Oh!
He goes into a mount
position on that rock.
Looks like a full-mounty to me.
Indeed.
And after a short
refractory period,
he's back up and going again!
Oh, and he is down!
Let's take another
look at that, Ken.
You can see right
here, there's the mistake,
a little stutter step.
And right there...
Should've used his third leg.
Right you are.
I have man-boobs.
And this is Jane Hathway.
She works at Wisteria park
as a fore-playground monitor.
Look at her go.
Oh, she's down.
Her man-boobs are just
like yours, Vic. Kenny.
I like corned beef on rye!
And here's Jeffrey Talmer,
founder of the Ultimate
Fighting kid camp,
high atop the Black and
Blue Ridge Mountains.
Yeah, they have cool activities
like broken
finger-painting, thug-of-war,
and smear the
effeminate counselor.
Oh, and look at
that! Jeffrey wins it!
Let's take another look at that
in our reverse angle cam.
Rib, rob, rawb...
Kenny, what are you doing?
Um, just reversing
it. [tape backspin]
I've lost my mind!
And here's Ann
Quirer, gossip columnist
for the monthly periodical,
the Wisteria Lane Rag.
Oh. Ooh.
She gets nervous when it's late.
Don't we all, Ken?
Man, she's moody.
Let's go down to Guy.
Hey, Guy, want to see
what Teri Hatcher looks like
when she gets up in the morning?
Guy would like that very much.
Here's what she looks
like without her makeup.
[growling] Oh, Guy likes!
Would you like to see what Guy
looks like in the morning? Huh?
God, you're kidding, right?
I pay for love.
And here's featherweight,
Popeye Sailor.
He's inventor of the
chicken chokehold.
Yeah, you have to
squeeze the head till it
cuts off circulation
and turns purple.
It's all in the grip, Ken.
Oh! And he loses his, there. Oh!
And he comes up limp.
Right you are, but no matter
because Jeffrey Talmer
puts the Ultimate
Fighters on the board.
And it's now 2 to 1,
Desperate Housewives.
Wow, what an
exciting match, Ken.
Yeah, those housewives are hot.
Indeed, and when we come back,
we're going to unveil
Wisteria Lane's newest vixen.
Does she have legs?
Does it really matter, Ken?
[Announcer] Coming up on MXC,
it's matter over mind.
Got it, brain shunt?
[Announcer] MXC is back
with more gals in tears
versus cauliflower ears.
Now, Kenny, let's meet
Wisteria Lane's newest resident.
Ashley K. Laterno.
She does all the underage
dudes on the block.
Indeed. I believe it
was Pascal who said,
"The heart has its reasons
"which reason does not know."
I believe it was
Sir-Mix-A-Lot who said...
Ah, yes, the English
poet laureate.
Let me think. Oh, yeah.
[off beat] My anaconda
don't want none
unless you got buns, hon.
Ha. Ken, have you
even read Shakespeare?
Yeah, my milk shake-speares
all the boys to the yard
Damn right, it's
better than yours.
Ahem, forgive me.
It's time for Dash To Death,
the object to get across
the obstacle course
without getting dashed to death.
And there to meet the winners,
are UFC ring bunnies,
Patty and Pauline Short.
Also known as the Short Hares.
Forget a lucky rabbit foot,
I'm a rabbit thigh man.
And first up, Barbie Bratz.
I just swallowed a fly.
Inventor of the Desperate
Housewives action figure.
Yeah, they're plastic,
just like the real ones.
Right you are. All the
dolls come with two faces.
Knife in the back not
included. Right you are...
Oh! And right down the back.
And she is off
into the muck, Ken.
Let's take another look at that.
Zyko got his rock off right
on the back of her head.
Right you are.
I finally saw Jaws.
And next up, middleweight
Ultimate Fighter, Kurt Snout.
Kurt formerly a morbidly
heavyweight champ.
Who now has recently
lost over 400 pounds.
Yeah, he used to
overpower his opponents.
Now he smothers them
with his flesh apron.
A truly unorthodox
submission hold for sure, Ken.
When I was a kid,
I remember finding
some Cheetos and a quarter
in my nana's folds of skin.
Good to know.
He used to take up the
entire steel cage octagon.
You have to be
pretty huge to fill
all seven sides of
the octagon. Or 8?
Anyway, look at him go
there, past the green dangler.
Moving on down, into
the contraceptive sponges.
And here come the
nards of doom! Yeah!
Oh, he's past them.
Oh! And into the mud, Ken.
What a shame.
I'm hooked on Febreeze!
Next up, Nip Tuck.
Ladies love him.
He's Wisteria Lane's
door-to-door cosmetic surgeon.
I love his ads.
Hey, Collagen
Man. Right you are.
He's given out more fat
lips than Tom Sizemore.
Let's see what he does here.
Oh! He's dumped all over himself
in the Cleveland steamroller.
I live alone!
Next up, Ultimate Fighter
flamboyant ring announcer,
Michael Fluffer.
He's had a hand at getting
everyone up for a match.
All his friends on
Fire Island love it
when he says "Let's
get ready to Rumba."
Every time he opens his mouth,
somebody somewhere
is getting pumped.
Let's see what he does here.
Going through the
contraceptive sponges.
That's one angry
dragon. Right you are.
Getting taunted,
there, by Sporky.
Right there, going
across the green dangler.
Let's see, looks like
he's going to make it
through the sponges again,
and up to the nards of doom.
[Michael] Balls.
Oh!
And he got blue-balled
right there, Ken.
And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.
Let's take another look.
Clearly, nothing worse
than getting
blue-balled from behind.
Yeah, I'm proud of him, Vic.
He took it like a
real convict. Indeed.
Let's go down to Guy.
Oh, I must admit,
I'm surprised you have a family.
Everyone is.
How would you
describe your daddy?
I'd say he's gay.
Is your wife in agreement?
No, he's straight.
I can't say it with a straight
face, he's totally gay.
Care to Rumba?
Hey, get away from my car.
Up for Desperate
Housewives, it's Andrew Gump.
By day, he's a garbage
man, by night, a male escort.
Yeah, he picks up
the trash in the morning
and then take it out for
dinner and dancing at night.
Right you are. Says right
here, he once lost his watch
while digging around
in someone's dumper.
Oh, check that.
That was dumpster.
[laughing] They're right there.
Looks like he's going to lose
elude the angry dragon, Ken.
Yeah, he chalk it up with some
powdered man-meal for extra grip.
Got to hang onto the
green danger... Oh!
Aw, man.
He just cracked his coccyx.
Right you are, Ken,
but even injured,
he's trying to finish the job.
Back up on the sponges
there, Sporky taunting him.
Let's see what he does
Oh! Off with the helmet, Ken.
Back up onto the
green dangler, Oh! Oh!
And he dribbles off
into the fluid, Ken.
Yeah, that's skimmings from
the Wisteria Lane hot tub club.
These shorts rub me raw!
And up once again,
it's Ultimate Fighter
Jeffrey Talmer.
Who also runs the family
eatery Beans Burger.
[both] ♪ Beans
Burger is family fun ♪
♪ Warm and juicy,
between your buns ♪
[passing gas]
[both] Beans Burger.
And of course. As
we mentioned earlier,
Jeffrey runs the Ultimate
Fighter camp for kids,
and opening this summer,
a camp just for
sick kids, of all ages.
They play games like
Pop Goes the Measles,
and Marco Polio.
They also make really
neat MedicAlert lanyards.
That sounds like
fun. I wish I was sick.
Some would say you are, Ken.
Look at that!
Going on top of
the green dangler.
Wait a minute, that's cheating.
Well, let's see.
Look right there.
Oh, the two-footed forward flick
off the green dangler,
Ken, unbelievable.
Total projectile plummet, there.
Indeed. He squeezes himself
under the nards of doom.
It's like he's
teasing the blue ball.
Right you are, Ken. When you
see a ball coming towards your chin,
you've got to take action.
Then he passed
the gangrenous ball.
Grabs the ropey strand,
mocks the brown spider,
and he makes it, Ken!
And he's mobbed by the
UFC ring bunnies, Short hares.
Right you are. So chalk one
up for the Ultimate Fighters.
So after four events,
thanks to Jeffrey Talmer,
we are all tied up at 2 to 2.
Stay where you are,
there's a whole lot more me
when we get back.
You don't want to miss it.
Thanks, Captain,
but I think you're
cutting in on my action.
Next up, it's Log Drop.
Fool-headed jack-ass.
[Announcer] MXC is back
with the final battle
of Ultimate Fighters versus
Desperate Housewives.
It's takedowns
versus nightgowns.
We're on, Vic. Oh, welcome back.
Kenny, it's time
to unveil the winner
of our make your own
septic sludge contest.
We sampled over 100,000 entries.
Yeah, the winner was
called Derdoody Schnitzel.
Why don't you
give us the recipe?
It's this man-made mixture
of Hofbräuhaus
bar rag squeezings
and Stagged in
Polish sausage water.
Ah, yes, and his name
is Little Jordy Harmon.
[whistle blowing] Get it on.
And it's time for Log Drop.
Bring back Pong.
Hey, no free
promotions. Let's go.
First up for the Desperate
Housewives, it's Tyra Pennington,
America's Next Top
Home and Hair Stylist.
Yeah, she goes to
extreme measures
to make sure the carpet
matches the drapes.
Right you are, oh, and
she's down into her fluid.
Nothing worse than
the smell of wet carpet.
Right you are, Ken.
DeBarge!
That, of course, a reference
to the supergroup of the '80s.
This Ultimate
Fighter calls himself
the Secretary of
Prostates, Colon Powell. Oh!
Oh, he really knows his
way around the brown ring.
Right you are, Ken.
Let's see what he does here.
He goes into a Fallen Leader,
then into a prone
Press Junket. Oh! Oh!
That one had to hurt him
right to his diplomatic corpse.
Next up, Corky
Spazzler. I can do this.
I don't see him on the
Desperate Housewives fact sheet.
Everyone knows he's the
kid who lives under the sink.
Ahh, Wisteria Lane's
dirty little secret.
Oh! Oh!
I've been knocked normal.
And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.
You can see right there,
he starts to lose control,
and I think that log might have
knocked the stupid
right out of him, Ken.
Next up, Steve Boner.
I take from the poor.
He's one of UFC's
most popular fighters.
Yeah, Boner gets
so much attention,
it's given him a swollen head.
Right you are. Close to the
two-fisted submission hold.
Oh! Oh!
Lost his grip on
that one. Indeed.
I'm number one!
Here's surrogate
nanny, Nan Dresser.
They say she has the
best Au Pair on the block.
Right you are. Oh!
She's down into the fluid.
Let's go down to Guy and
see what she has to say.
It must be lonely
being the only surrogate
on Wisteria Lane.
I'm not the only surrogate.
Here are the others.
Come over, girls!
Whoa. Guy likes these odds.
With four of you, even
Guy might surro-get some.
[all laughing]
See what I did?
I'm a choo-choo
train. Toot, toot.
Here's Ultimate
Fighter Guano Fartex.
Known as the Bat Boy.
That's weird, he
only fights at night.
Yes, he overcomes his opponents
by nocturnal submission.
And he drops into
our septic sludge.
Right you are. Let's take a
look at that one more time.
Maybe two more times.
Kenny, get away
from the tape machine.
I only wear a two-piece.
This is Leslie Ann Nielsen.
She's part of the Nielsen family
and the Captain caught up
with this overrated actress earlier.
So, what do you do
with your Nielsen box?
My box? I fiddle with
it while I watch TV.
Oh. I would too.
This appears to be
a popular pastime
for Wisteria Lane's
Desperate Housewives.
She's going all the way, Vic.
Another popular pastime for
the Desperate Housewives.
Oh! Oh!
Leslie Ann Nielsen has
spread herself too thin.
Poor thing.
She'll never be able to have
her own Nielsen family now.
But it looks like she's
setting herself for cancellation,
pulls herself to the
top of the ratings,
and Leslie Ann
Nielsen has scored.
Wow. Freeze it right there.
What are we looking at, Ken?
I used to have a pair of
dolphin shorts just like that.
[laughing] Kenny.
Here, smell this.
And here's Middle
East-weight champ,
Fatoush Baba ghanoush.
He comes from
the fertile crescent.
That's where he perfected
his famous Camel-Toe Hold.
Right you are, Ken. Oh!
And he's into our septic sludge.
That means the Desperate
Housewives have taken it all.
So, as Leslie Ann's teammates
jiggle with excitement,
it looks like the Ultimate
Fighters are tapped out,
and the Desperate
Housewives win it 3 to 2.
Wow, MILFs are
hot, and athletic, too.
Indeed, they are, Ken.
And I think the
Desperate Housewives
proved they always end
up on top. Yeah, yeah.
And you know what
time it is now, Ken?
Uh, MILFer time?
No, it's time for...
Starting at number 10,
it's desperate husband Carlos,
who nets a big
win, takes a big leek,
and barely makes it in the pot.
Number 9 goes to
sexy Teri Flatcher,
who almost squeezes
one out for her team.
Number 8 goes to Hasidic
Jiu-Jitsu expert Leon Tevia,
who wasn't only meshugeneh,
he was nuts for trying this.
And number 7 goes to
UFC champ Steve Boner,
who whacks his head repeatedly.
He keeps doing that,
he'll go blind, ha ha.
Number 6 goes to Matt
Huge, who gets his rock off
and takes a second
one for granite. Ha ha!
Number 5 goes to
doll maker Barbie Bratz,
who turns her own darn
self into a bobble head.
Ha, bobble.
Number 4 goes to
brain-impaired Corky Spazzler,
who has to be fished out
by a short yellow submarine.
Number 3 features
garbage man Andrew Gump,
who painstakingly
trashes his dumper.
And the 2 spot
goes to Gloria Hole,
who is struck between a
rock and a scarred face.
And the Most Painful
Elimination of the Day
goes to Ultimate Fighter
Georges Filthy Pierre,
takes it on the chin,
knowing the only thing that
separates him from greatness
is a thin, brown line.
He just buries his head in it.
Au revoir, Pierre.
Exciting as always,
Ken. Yeah, I know.
And what do we always say?
Gentlemen, if you'll join me.
Don't get eliminated!
Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA