Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 8 - A Morkville Horror - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mindy. Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Whoa.

Ho-ho!

Have I got a present for you.

Oh. Here, go ahead, open it.

- Open, open.
- Mork, you bought me a present.

Oh, too slow.
I'll open it for you.

( MUTTERING )



( IMITATES FANFARE )

That's so nice.

Heh, a mask.

Hi-yo, Silver. Yeah.

Huh, big black boots, heh-heh!

Big ones.

And, uh…

Oh, my, yes.

Other things, huh? Headphones.

Ah!

Gee, Mork, uh, why'd you
buy me these things?

I heard you say
you were having an affair

and you didn't have anything
to wear.

So I met this wonderful
cabdriver named Aloo



and he took me shopping.

Uh, Mork. See,

I'm having a political affair
tomorrow.

Uh, these things really aren't
quite appropriate.

Are you kidding? Lumpy said his
best customers are politicians.

He even sold a pair
of tight shoes to Earl Butz.

Mork, you don't understand.

It's a… It's a different kind
of affair.

It's for Nelson, my cousin,
remember?

He's running
for city council. Oh.

I thought I'd have
a little reception

so he could meet
some local business leaders.

Well, I've never been
to a political affair before.

Neither have I. That's why
I'm having such a hard time

making all the arrangements.

Can I help you maybe?
Can I help, huh?

Je t'assiste? Ha-ha!

Gee, Mork, I'm sorry, but I
don't know how you could help.

I helped before. Remember that
surprise party for Remo

when I invited everyone?

Except Remo.

Yeah. Boy, is he gonna
be surprised when he finds out.

Yeah.
Since it's a political affair,

maybe I could possibly
plan the menu.

Since they're politicians, we
could have ham

stuffed with bologna.

And then have junkets
for everybody.

Oh, I guess I'm not being
very helpful, am I?

Oh, Mork, well, you… At least
you always give it a good shot.

And I'll tell you, I don't know
what I'd do without you.

Me neither. ( LAUGHS )

You know, you really are about
the best friend I have

in the whole world.

You are. ( LAUGHS )

So what's so funny about that?

Nothing. ( LAUGHS )

Then why are you laughing?

I'm not laughing,
I… I'm sneezing.

That's what happens
when I have a cold.

Remember when I had a cold
and I took a pill

and it made me real small?

Oh, yeah, you laughed then too.

Yeah, but I don't have
a cold now.

I must be having an allergic
reaction to something.

Huh. Well, whenever we have
an allergic reaction, we sneeze,

like, you know, like "Ah-choo!"

Well, that's what happens
when we eat burritos.

I must be allergic to something
in the room then.

( DOORBELL RINGS ) Huh.

Maybe there's something funny
in the air.

Hopefully.

Hello, Mindy.

Oh, hi, Nelson.

Nice to see you.
There's my main man.

Nanu, nanu.

( SLOWLY ): "Nanu, nanu."

- Nanu, nanu.
- Of course, he's Italian.

( ITALIAN ACCENT): Nanu, nanu.

Great people, Italians.

Ah, so, uh, Nelson,
what brings you by?

Well, if I wanna
fulfill my dream

of becoming Walter Mondale,

I've gotta run a good race.

So I've been
out in the neighborhood,

uh, looking for support.

People should never run
without their supporters.

I want the common man

to know the real Nelson Flavor.

I want the common man to know
that Nelson Flavor cares.

( LAUGHS )

Did I say something humorous?

No. No. Sorry.

( BOTH LAUGH )

Mork.

I think if we have
something funny to say,

we should share it
with everyone.

Heh-heh! No, no, uh, see,

Mork's laughing
because Mork's happy and…

And he's happy because you're
running for city council.

Aren't you, Mork? No.

( BOTH LAUGH )

Mork, why don't you go
into the kitchen

and get us something
to drink, okay?

( LAUGHING )

Yeah, that boy
is backing a winner, Mindy.

I haven't lost a contest
since I beat Sister out

as Mom's favorite.

Hey, let me show you

this slogan
I've been working on.

It's been noodling my gray cells
for five days now.

Listen to this.

( CHUCKLES )

Are we ready?

"Nelson Flavor.

I'll do it your way."

( LAUGHS LOUDLY )

Are you, uh, making sport of me?

( CHUCKLES )

He's making fun of me.

I did not come here
to be insulted.

Nelson, now, please…

I have better things
to do with my time.

Now, I'll be seeing you
tomorrow night

and I hope I won't be seeing
Mr. Hyena-puss.

Mork. This could be terrible.

We've gotta do something about
those allergies

or it'll be embarrassing.

Well, you know something, Mindy?

I just realized something.

( LAUGHS )

The closer I get to you,
the more I sneeze.

Really?

Yeah. See?

Ha! Whoa.

Well, maybe it's just something
you're wearing,

maybe your perfume.

No, I'm not wearing perfume.

Or your hair spray?

No, I don't wear that.

Well, that… That pink stuff
on your lips.

Hypoallergenic.

No, this is terrible.

I must be…

( CHUCKLES )

allergic… ( LAUGHS )

to you.

( LAUGHS )

Oh, no.

Oh. Oh…

( MELANCHOLY THEME PLAYING )

Hey, Mork.

Something wrong?

I have an allergy.

Oh. Well, maybe you should
go get some allergy shots.

What are those?

Well, a doctor injects
small amounts

of whatever you're allergic to
into your arm,

and then gradually
he increases the dose.

Where I'm from, we have
a little man that drills

inside your nose
with sandpaper and a hose.

( LAUGHS )

You know what?
I bet that you'll find

that allergy shots
work much better.

You mean I can be cured?

Well, there's
a real good chance.

- Oh, thanks, doctor, mmmmm.
- You're welcome.

Hey, hey, hey.
That's enough of that.

I'm gonna get a shot of Mindy
with a water back, boy.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

A what?

I… I'm allergic to Mindy.

That's why I need a shot of her.

Oh, wait a minute.
That sorta changes things.

I mean, I did read once
about this couple

who had been happily married
for ten years

and then, bam, all of a sudden

the husband was allergic
to his own wife.

Then the doctor cured him,
right?

They were forced to split up.
They never saw each other again.

EXIDOR: Step aside.

Don't push. There's plenty
of food in here for everybody.

Exidor.

Mork.

Is that you?

Ah.

Strange place for a swamp.

You're looking well.

Like to join us for lunch?

Yeah. Friend of yours, Mork?

Yes, we're bosom buddies

till the day
our friendship sags.

May I help you? EXIDOR: Yes.

Table for 12. Twelve?

Mork, myself,

and them.

Uh, I don't see anybody.

I run into this all the time.

Restaurants won't seat them
just because of their color.

Well, come along, my friends,
pay no attention to the bigot.

We'll just have to double up.

Mork, I'm a changed man.

Oh, you just got back
from Denmark.

That's old business.

I owe the change
to a complete new lifestyle.

I have just moved
into a boss pad.

I want you to come visit me.

Uh, may I take your order?

Yes.

How's the wildebeest today?

Ooh! I'm sorry,
we don't have wildebeest.

Fine, fine.

Bring the cricket lips.

Yeah, uh, I gotta tell you,
this isn't a health food store.

No cricket lips.

No cricket lips?

No wonder this place is empty.

Why don't you have a hot dog?

Mork, I'm not into exotic foods.

I want you to come visit me.

My address.

"1283 Quaking Aspen Drive."

I'm in 5…

C.

Well, I guess I'll look for the
apartment with no number on it.

Aha!

Oh.

What?!

I should have brought
my frog scraper.

( PLAYFUL THEME PLAYING )

Okay, so you're sure that's
enough to feed all those people?

Okay, okay, you're the caterer.

Well, I guess
we're all set then.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

- Okay, good, thanks a lot.
- Mm-hm, bye-bye.

Mork.

Mork, what's all that?

It's a cure for my allergy.

( LAUGHS )

I've been worried about you
ever since you left.

Things'll be just like they were
before I was sick.

( LAUGHS )

Yeah… hmmm.

You sound like a phone call
I had last night.

Listen, Mork, nobody wants you
to live here more than I do,

but you just can't spend
your life in a scuba outfit.

Yes, I can, if I only talk
for three seconds.

That's ridiculous.
We gotta find another way.

All right.

Well, I could always
hold my breath.

Oh, now, that's ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Mork, come on.

You… You're gonna
hurt yourself.

Look, we'll find
some way to cure you.

It might take time,
but we'll find… Mork.

Hey, Mork, come on.

That is being…
You're being ridiculous.

Whoa!

( LAUGHING )

Oh, Mork, I hate to see you
suffer like this.

( LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY )

Me too. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, oh. Come on.

Oh. Oh.

Min… ( LAUGHS )

Mindy, I've gotta
get out of here. It's too late.

But where are you gonna go?

Well, maybe I can go stay
with Exidor.

Oh. Well, I guess
that's the only thing to do

until we find out

how to fix things.

Oh, boy, am I gonna miss you.

( LAUGHS )

( LAUGHING ):
I'm gonna miss you too.

Well?

Oh, here. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Here. Send my things to here.

Uh, take care
of yourself… huh?

( LAUGHING )

Call me.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

What is…?

Mork. What are you doing here?

Well, you said
I could come visit you.

Yes, I said that, but, uh,
now is, uh…

Well, it's not a good time
if you…

know what I mean.

Oh, you've got water
in your ear, huh?

I'm not alone.

I'm with a W-O-M-A-N. Oh.

There's more to life
than just preaching, you know.

Oh-ho-ho!

Why don't you go home
to your fox?

I can't live with Mindy.

She threw you out?

I'll put a hex on her
in the morning,

as soon as they deliver
the dead coyotes.

Tonight you stay here.

Well, what about…

Touch her
and you'll suck seaweed.

Come in, my friend.

Oh, this is wonderful.
Sears meets Rococo.

Mork, this is heaven.

And I owe my salvation

to Gretchen.

Say hello to Mork, de…

Would you go put on
some clothes?

Naughty, naughty, naughty.

I love 'em zaftig.

Now you can see why
I'm such a changed man, Mork.

It sure beats living alone, huh?

Yes.

Sit down. Make yourself at home.

Care for some iguana jerky?

No, the little tiny claws
get caught between my teeth.

You know, before I met Gretchen,
it was all work, work, work.

But no more.

Sit right here, Angel Breath.

I'm so happy you wore the pink.

It's very nice.

I saw what you were staring at.

Oh, it's all right, Mork.

I understand, you're lonesome.

I was lonesome too

until Gretchie asked me
to move in with her.

This is her place.

How she can afford it,
I'll never know.

But when you got
a good thing going,

don't ask a lot of questions.

Well, Mindy and I had
a good thing going,

but because of my allergy,
no more.

Allergy? Well, I…

Every time I get near her,
I start laughing.

Oh, relax.
It may be nothing more

than mental illness.

Well…

I'd give anything
to be normal again.

Maybe I can help you.

I developed a revolutionary
allergy treatment

years ago when I was a doctor.

This may be too tough for you,
darling.

I injected the hair of a yak

in the arm of an orangutan.

Did the cure work?

Do you ever hear

any sneezing in jungle movies?

Well, do you think maybe
if I put some of Mindy's hair

and inject it in my arm,
it'll cure me?

( LAUGHS )

Stop, stop that tickling, now.

We can't do that now. Ha-ha!

It's getting a little late,
isn't it?

Late? It's only…7:00.

Well, that is late.

Mork, we'll get back
to your problem in the morning.

Come along, Gretchen darling.

If you need me,
I'll be in there.

Oh, excuse me. Where do I sleep?

Why, on the couch, of course…

with Lola.

Lola?

Gretchen's twin sister.

Oh, they… They do look
a lot alike.

( BOTH CHUCKLE )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Oh, Mork.

Oh, it's so good
to see you again.

( MUFFLED SPEECH ) Oh.

Boy, it just hasn't been
the same

without you around here.

( MUFFLED SPEECH )

Oh, Mork, if only
we could be close again.

Uh, ha-ha!

I can't hear
a word you're saying

with that gag
on your mouth. ( GRUNTS )

Oh, boy.

( NASAL VOICE ):
Well, I think I finally found a cure.

I think it might work, Mindy.

Really? I'll try anything.

Anything. Well…

What is it? Well…

( MUFFLED )
I have to get a Mindy injection.

You're gonna what?

I have to get a Mindy injection.

Boy, that… That sounds weird.

Well, it's worth a try.

What I have to do

is take a couple of hairs
out of your head

and inject them into my arm.

Oh, I don't know, Mork…

It's worth a shot.

Oh, I'll find some scissors.

Ow!

Those aren't potato chips,
buddy.

You can just take one. Gee.

I have to take a massive dose
so there's no problem.

Eeeeeeeee!

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Oh, no, my guests are here.

Will you wait…? ( LAUGHS )

Mork, will you wait
in the bedroom

until you're cured?

Shhh. Please, please, please.

( DOORBELL RINGING )

- Just wait in here.
- You're not as cute

with that little bald spot
up there, you know.

( MORK LAUGHS, DOORBELL RINGS )

( CHATTERING )

Great party, Mindy.

All of Boulder's biggies
are here.

Yeah, everybody seems to be
having a good time, don't they?

Party hearty.

( BOTH CHUCKLE )

Mindy, when I get elected,

you'll have the satisfaction
of knowing me

when I was your cousin.

Well, you can count
on my vote, Flavor.

It's refreshing

to meet someone who has such
compassion for the rich.

I look at it this way.

Who are the rich,
but poor people with yachts?

Excuse me. Before I run off, uh,
can I get you anything?

Impossible.

I have everything.

You know, Nelson,
you really amaze me.

You really know how to say
what people wanna hear.

Well, there's two sides
to every issue.

And I always agree with both.

( FALSETTO ):
Coochie-coochie-coochie, Mr. Prendergast.

Ha-ha-ha! Hello, hello.

Oh, Mr. O'Keefe,
what a lovely tie.

I guess they couldn't
guess your weight, eh?

Rabbi, is it true

that Sammy Davis
eats kosher chicken wings?

Ha-ha! I feel like such
a "mishugette."

Look, a Frisbee. Wham-o!

Oh-ho-ho!

May I take your hat?

Sears had a sale, how wonderful.

Oh, missy.

Oh, what a lovely map
of Utah. Oh!

Oh, those are veins. I'm sorry.

Oh, welcome.

Hello. Hey, hi.

He must have taken
an overdose of me.

Who's she?

Uh, you don't wanna know.

Another Wang, Mr. Egg Roll?

Excuse me, can I speak
to you for a moment?

Oh, sure. Ta-ta.

Mork, what are you doing?

I'm not Mork, I'm Mindy.

I'm Mindy. ( CLUCKING )

Mork…

Mork. Mork. Mindy. Mindy.

Mork. Now, you listen…

Nelson, I think we have
a party crasher who's drunk.

Why don't you throw her out
and I'll go powder my nose?

Wait a minute.

Mork, when does this wear off?

- Let go. You're hurting me.
- PRENDERGAST: Who are you?

I'm Mindy, Nelson's cousin,
but let's not talk about that.

Let's dance till we don't know
who we are. Come.

( SINGS MELODY )

I think it's time to leave.

( DISAPPOINTED CHATTERING )

Nelson, our guests
are leaving us. Say goodbye.

Ciao. Arrivederci.

La-la-la.

Take care.

Whoops,
and a gift for you. Oops!

Something to remember us by.

Oh! Oh, what a night.

Fasten your seat belts,
it's going to be a bumpy night.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I took off all of your clothes.

Ha-ha-ha!

There's still something I need
unhooked if you get the chance.

I've got some good news for you.

The Mindy injection wore off

and I'm almost back to abnormal.

( CHUCKLES )

Yeah. You're still mad,
aren't you?

Well, Mork, I'm not mad
because you blew my party

and I'm not mad because Nelson
cried on my shoulder

till my dress shrank.

But what I am upset about

is that you just can't be you.

Ha! Well, no, I… I've tried
everything and nothing works.

I've been thinking,
you didn't get sick

until after I held you close
and told you

how much you meant to me. So?

So I think maybe you're not
allergic to me at all.

I think maybe you're just afraid
of getting too close to someone.

No, no, I… I think now
you're being real silly.

No, really. ( LAUGHS )

You're being
kind of silly there.

No, I think it scares you.

No. After all, it still…

It still is a new emotion.

Come here. What're you gonna do?

I'm gonna help you take
the worry out of being close.

Oh, no. Ha! Oh, no.

- You keep away from me, boy.
- Uh-uh. Nuh-uh.

There's nothing in the air
that you're allergic to.

That's why none
of those things worked.

You tried air hoses,
nose plugs, allergy shots.

And now you're gonna try
a little of me.

No. Ha-ha! No, no.

( SOUTHERN ACCENT ):
I'm gonna hug you till your eyes pop out.

No way!

( LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY )

( NORMAL VOICE ):
It's all right.

( LAUGHTER SUBSIDING )

There.

Yeah. Ohhh.

You stopped laughing. Yeah.

I think your allergy is cured.

Sure beats the heck out of going
to a doctor, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, thanks, you…
You helped me be more human.

Well, what's an earthling for,
after all, right?

Yeah. You know what? What?

Your underwear
is kinda comfortable.

Let me show you…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTICAL THEME PLAYING )

MORK:
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

( IMITATES ZOOMING,
IMITATES BUZZING )

ORSON:
What did you learn this week?

Oh, beaucoup de choses,
Your Lordship.

But mainly I learned
a lot about politics.

What's politics?

It's the art of fooling
most of the people

most of the time,
as often as possible.

- Politics sounds very strange.
- Oh, it is, sir.

A politician will do anything
to get in office.

He'll kiss babies, mules.

When he finally gets into office
and you call him,

they say, "He's not in the
office at this time. Beep!"

Don't Earthlings have
any leaders they admire?

Oh, yes, sir, they do.
But they're all dead.

The most famous is one
called George Washington.

He's the one
that's on the dollar bill

- that's only worth 45 cents.
- What did he do?

Well, he slept here,
he slept here, he slept there.

I guess that's why
most politicians honor him

by doing the same thing.

It looks like you've
learned a lot, Mork.

Oh, more than you know, sir.

( CHUCKLES )

I even learned that an allergy
is nothing to sneeze at. Argh!

You mean you were sick?

Well, sir,
I wouldn't call it that,

but I… I did develop
an extreme reaction

to being too close to Mindy.

You're playing with fire, Mork.

I know, sir.

According to the Orkan General,

closeness is the leading cause
of disease.

Oh, sir, I… I used to believe
that old voodoo.

But if closeness is so wrong,
why are we born with arms, huh?

Isn't that kind of Zen-like?

Think about that
till next week, sir.

It'll probably take you
an hour or so.

Catch you later. Until then…

( CHANTING ): Ommm, ommm

on the range.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )