Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 7 - Mork Gets Mindy-itis - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Okay, the customer wants
a salad with bean sprouts

and alfalfa sprouts on a bed
of shredded lettuce.

Is he here to eat lunch
or graze?

I don't care if he smokes it
as long as he pays the check.

Well, ask him if he'd like me
to put it on a plate

or in a feedbag, okay?

( FOREIGN ACCENT ):
Butu, Kimbe, stay with the caravan.

( NORMAL VOICE ): All right. All
you germs, bite the dust. Come on.



Die, you little buggers. Die.
There you go. Come on. Yeah!

You with the hamburger,
freeze right there.

Drop it. Drop it.

Spread those buns.
Spread the buns.

All right, I have a right
to read you your rights.

You have a right to remain
bacillus… Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

You saw him.
That germ pulled a gun.

Come on, what are you doin'?

Will you cut it out?

Mindy's going in the hospital.
I have to kill germs.

Don't! Don't! Don't!

Hey. You behind the gherkin,
freeze it. Ha-ha!

There's another streptococcus.
I bet the small one.



( YELPS )

I'm sorry. You can't leave yet.
Hold on.

JEAN:
Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There aren't any germs in here.

Of course there are no germs
after my "spritz-krieg."

Ha-ha! In the name
of Louis Pasteur, I…

Wait a minute.

I've just committed germicide.

Oh, you must have millions
of little germs at home going…

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE )
"Where's Daddy?"

REMO: Hey, Mork,

what'd you do to your hair?

I cut off all the germy parts.

It was cheaper
than having it cleaned.

Is it safe yet?

What is going on here?

I am going to have
my tonsils out,

and Mork has been running around
driving me crazy.

Mindy, Mindy.
Mindy, you shouldn't talk.

You should rest your tonsils
for the coming-out party.

I'll translate for you.

You're going into the hospital?
Mindy, Mindy.

( INDIAN ACCENT ):
It is true that Miss McConnell

is going into the hospital

for a treatment
of the neck infection,

but soon she'll be back
to her old, uninfected self,

and back being so cute
and adorable

and shiksa-like.

Well, Mindy, ha-ha,
there's nothing to worry about.

A lot of people
have their tonsils out.

Yeah, I had mine out
in the first grade.

Yeah, he was only 14.

So I was old for my age.

Did you put 'em under the pillow
for the tonsil fairy?

No. I don't believe
in that stuff.

I just put 'em in a jar.

Well, actually, getting your
tonsils out, it's a breeze.

That's right. It's
a very simple procedure.

Yeah, most of the doctors know
what they're doin'.

- Most of the doctors?
- Mindy, I'll handle this.

Most of the doctors?

You see, they got losers
in every profession.

Like I had an electrician
out here six times

to fix that lamp,
and it's still broken.

Now, imagine if that
was your heart.

- Thanks, Remo.
- JEAN: You know, Remo, uh,

I don't think
she wants to hear all this.

Oh, come on. You come home
from med school

with all those funny stories.

Tell 'em the one
about the doctor

who left the instruments
inside the patient.

It's great. ( LAUGHING )

That really happened?

REMO:
Well, uh, they never found out

but the guy goes disco dancing

and gives himself
an appendectomy.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

You know, occasionally
accidents do happen

but not often, not enough
to let it upset you.

( CHUCKLES )

Thank you very much.

I think I'll go check myself
into the hospital

before you two change my mind.

- Good luck.
- Don't worry, we'll visit you.

Well, kid, break a larynx.

Ha! Thanks. Don't worry, Mindy.

When your tonsils are out,
I'll whittle you wooden tonsils,

and put a scarecrow on your
tongue to scare the woodpeckers.

That'll work. Hey.

If it doesn't, you'll talk…

( DEEP VOICE ) like this.

( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

GIRL:
Seven thousand and forty-seven,

seven thousand
and-forty-eight…

What are you counting?

I'm timing to see
how long it's been

since I buzzed for the nurse.

Well, there's gotta be some way
to get a nurse in here.

Yeah, sure. Just fall asleep

and she'll come in
and wake you up.

Min…

BOTH: Hiiii.

( LAUGHS )

- How're you feelin'?
- Oh, all right.

I brought you a little something
to show I was thinkin' of you.

Look, a brain. Heh!

No, actually,
it's a flower. Heh-heh!

It's the biggest one
I could find.

- It is a big one.
- Hope you have a short, fat vase.

Either that or you could wear it
behind your ear.

Argh, argh, argh! Ha-ha-ha!

Thank you. ( LAUGHING )

Well, uh, are you fixed yet?

( LAUGHS )

Is that what you're in here for?

I had my cat fixed,

and he's never been the same
since.

No, I'm only
having my tonsils out.

Well, that's what my mother said
they were doing to the cat.

The operation
isn't until tomorrow.

Oh, Susie, this is Mork. Hi.

Nanu, nanu, bite-sized person.

The hospital's low on space,

so they put me in the children's
ward.

Oh, I couldn't tell. Ha-ha!

Well, honey, are you ready
for your tests?

I thought I was supposed
to have 'em over an hour ago.

Oh, sorry.

I'm the only nurse working
three floors tonight.

You're the only nurse?

Yeah, a lot of nurses
are out sick.

I guess there's something
going around.

Yeah… well, I gotta go, Mork.

I gotta get
some more blood tests.

Well, good luck, Min.
I hope you pass.

Don't let anyone cheat over your
shoulder

and see your corpuscles.

Oh, I bet you I know
what ward he's from.

Oh, he's just visiting.

Oh, then you ought
to be leaving.

- Visiting hours are almost over.
- MORK: Oh.

Bye. Bye, Min.

Good luck. Be careful.

Well, well, actually, I'm not
really worried at all.

I mean, she told me
she had the best doctor.

Well, my mom told me
I had the best doctor.

Oh…

if everyone has the best doctor,

then where do all
the dead people come from?

I don't know.
Maybe the stork brings 'em.

Is this your first time
in the hospital?

No, it's my second.
The first time I was born.

What are you in for now?

I did a dumb thing.
I swallowed my bubble pipe.

How'd you do that?

Well, you see, it's like this.
I was jumping rope and then…

It wasn't a pretty picture.

Now I'm all full of bubbles.

If you push my stomach,
you could probably feel 'em.

No, no way. I saw Alien.

Mind if I make myself
at home here?

Sure. H-hey.

( SNORTS )

Back from where I come from,
we don't have hospitals.

We just have a little building
you drive up to and you…

You tell your ailments
into a clown face

and out comes a pill, heh.

A Doc in the Box.

You betcha. Heh-heh!

So how are they gonna get
that bubble pipe out of you?

Beats me. I guess they'll have
to cut me open.

Cut you open. ( LAUGHS )

Seriously, how are they gonna
get that bubble pipe outta you?

No, really.

They'll cut me open and take out

whatever's giving me trouble.

Cut you open. Heh-heh-heh!

Pfft! Ah-ah-ah! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I should stay here and protect
Mindy. That might be good.

Either that or she'll have
her insides on the outside.

She might get her liver
caught in her pantyhose.

No, no, no.

I'm sure they'll put back
everything important.

Besides, it won't hurt.

They knock you out first.

- Who does?
- The guys with the masks.

Masks? Whoa, kemosabe.

Why do they do that?

Maybe they don't like you
to see who goofs up.

Oh. ( DOOR OPENS )

Oh, are you still here?

Uh-huh. You're right.
They are goofy.

I'm here and she
doesn't even know it.

Visiting hours are over.

No, no, no, I'm gonna
stay here and protect Mindy.

Well, I've seen a lot of strange
things happening in this place.

I assure you that Mindy
will get excellent treatment.

You're not gonna cut her open
and auction off her innards?

I've seen the little bottles.

No, you have my word.

All right, well, it's just
'cause I care for her.

I mean, she's like a brother
to me.

Oh, don't worry.

Your brother Mindy will be fine,

just as soon as she comes out
from under the knife.

Knife…

knives, masks.

What's the name
of this hospital,

Our Lady of Central Park?

I've gotta go. All right.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

WOMAN ( OVER PA ):
Dr. Newman, please.

Please report to Pediatrics.

Min.

Mind, it's moi, Mork.

Still in one piece? Argh!

I think she's sleeping.

Susie, boy, you've been through
some changes.

Oh…

Mind.

Mind. Heh-heh!

Mind, wake up, you don't wanna
sleep through your operation.

Heh-heh!

Uh-oh.

You're not Mind.

What happened to Mind? I mean…

What's going on here?

Mind? Who's Mindy?

You're a strange man.

Not as strange as the people
who work in this place.

Oh, Mind. First Susie
and then… What happened?

What's going on here?
This is strange.

What are you talking about?

Well, don't you understand
confused babble?

What are you doing here?

Where's Mindy?

There's no Mindy here.

Uh, you must be
in the wrong room.

No, she's gotta be here.

I mean, she was here yesterday.

Oh, well, I wouldn't know.

I broke my wrist yesterday. I
had to go out and get it fixed.

Why didn't you have it
fixed here?

Here?

( LAUGHS )

You gotta be kidding. Ha-ha-ha!

This has gotta be the same room.

There's the flower
I brought her.

NURSE: Oh. Well, okay.

What's her name and her age?

Uh, Mindy McConnell,
age 23. Ehhh. Ha-ha!

Um, well, she has two good arms,
sorry, um.

You see, that's where
you went wrong.

No, sir,
this is the children's wing.

We have no big people
staying here.

Well, if she's not here,
then she… She's lost.

Oh, now, please don't worry.

Even if she is, she's bound
to turn up sooner or later.

I hope it's soon because she
needs a tonsillectomy.

Oh, dear.

Well, I hope she hasn't
been confused with…

With somebody else. Why?

Well, if that's what has
happened,

there's a good chance
she might get

the wrong operation.

( BOTH CHUCKLE )

No, no, no, no.

BOTH ( CHUCKLING ): No.

Oh, not again,
not after last week.

No. Oh, no.

( LAUGHING ) ( WORRIED LAUGH )

Boy, this is certainly
a crazy place to work.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

( INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Yes, sir, I'll try
to help you with the problem.

Ah, yes, sir.

Yes, we do have
a number of nurses

who don't speak English.

So just be patient

and point to where
you're bleeding.

( INTERCOM BUZZES )
Yes, Miss Chayefsky.

WOMAN: Uh, Mr. Burnett, there's
a gentleman to see you.

He seems very upset.

You gotta help me.
You gotta find Mindy.

Is this him? Mm-hm.

Are you the administrator?

Yes, I am.

Well, here it is.
You want it, you got it.

A dollar bill?

I talked to everyone
in the hospital.

They say the buck stops here.

Sir…

Calm down. We're not going
to get anywhere

if you don't speak
slowly and clearly.

( SLOWLY ):
Yes, I think you're right.

Yes, of course. Now,
what seems to be the problem?

( BABBLES ) Wait, wait, wait.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh. Well, I brought
my friend Mindy here

for a simple operation

and now she's gone.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sure we did all we could.

Well, no, she hasn't gone
belly-up.

Sh-she's just gone.

She's disappeared, lost.

We lost a patient?

Well, heh, she must be
somewhere in the building.

How far can she get
in bare feet and a gown

that opens down the back?

I'm sure everything
will be fine.

Really? Oh, really, yes.

Miss Chayefsky,
when you get time,

would you just get our lawyers
on the phone?

Why don't you just say

the eagle has landed.

CHAYEFSKY: Again?

Ixnay.

- Aren't you gonna do something?
- Organize a posse,

get out the tonsil-sniffing
dogs, things like that?

Oh, in good time.
Uh, but before we get started,

there is a little paperwork
to, uh, take care of.

Oh, here.

Would you just sign
this form, please?

What is this,
a missing persons form?

Well, not exactly.
It's just a formality

which basically says that, uh,

no matter what's happened, the
hospital isn't held responsible.

- But you are responsible.
- She didn't lose herself.

Uh, well,

I don't blame you
for being upset,

but these things happen. I mean,
this is a very big place.

We have a lot of halls…
Oh, you're not kidding.

A lot of wards.
I mean, it's like a maze.

Here a ward, there a ward,
everywhere a ward ward.

And there are pages:
"Calling Dr. Fine."

- He doesn't answer his calls.
- The doctors are missing too,

aren't they? Now, son.

Try to see this from
my point of view, will you?

They don't give me enough staff,
they don't give me enough money.

All they give me

is the challenge to help people.

What about finding my friend?

Now you have
a challenge too, haven't you?

But before you go,
would you sign this form?

I can't help you until you do.

You're gonna leave her lost
until I let you off the hook?

Hey, fella,
I don't make the rules.

Oh, yeah? All right.
I'm taking this with me,

and this buck's not gonna stop
until I find Mindy.

You can't find her now.
Visiting hours are over.

Well, but rescuing hours
have just begun.

Well, what about my form?

Take your form and file it.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

You're in your room,
Mrs. McDonald.

McDonald?

Now, let's take another one
of these little pinkie drinkies

and then we can rest.

Oh, I'm too tired to rest.

I don't feel good.

Here. Here you go.

Now, soon you're going to have
that brain operation

and then your headaches
will just disappear.

Now, you can lie back and rest.

Hee-hee!

Whew, I'm starting to feel
better already.

( BOTH LAUGH )

Bye.

Bye.

Don't worry.

Brain surgery isn't as bad
as it sounds.

Ooh, it is noisy, though.

Oh, hello, doctor.

Hello there, sickie.

Doctor, I hate to complain,

but nobody came by
this afternoon

to change my dressing.

Oh, dressing, are you kidding?

That gown is you.
It goes perfectly with that hat.

All you need now
is some feathers,

some rhinestones
and nine tana leaves.

Doctor, you have a very funny
bedside manner.

I believe that a good doctor

leaves his patient in stitches.
Har-har-har!

I used to love a good laugh.

Oh, doctor, you know what?

What?

( MOUTHS ): Oh.

Mindy. Mindy, Mindy, Mindy,
you're awake.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Hi. Hello. Ha-ha!

Actually, I think this is the
best type of physical therapy.

It gives the patients
something to live for.

Oh, Miss McConnell, we'll have
you out of here in a "fribbet."

A fribbet? Yes, a medical term

meaning a surrey
with a fringe on top.

That girl's name
isn't McConnell. It's McDonald.

- No, my dear lady, I'm a doctor.
- Don't make mistakes

unless it's a matter
of life and death or a bill.

But the nurse who was just here
said that's Mrs. McDonald.

She's in here for brain surgery.

No, no, she's in here
to have her tonsils out.

I guess it depends
on how deep they drill.

Yeah…

Mindy!

Min. Hello, Mindy.

Mind, Mind, Mind… Woo-hoo!

( GIGGLING )

Oh, no. They got you too.

Oh, Mind.

All my life I've been
getting you into trouble.

Now I've gotten you
in the biggest trouble

and there's nothing I can do.

Oh, come on, Mind. Hello.

Mind. Here we go, here we go.

Here we go. Hey. Whoa! Woo!

( LAUGHING )
That's all physical therapy.

Mindy. Mind.

Mind, here we go. Okay.

- Okay, whoa, make a wish.
- Here we go.

There we go.

No, bad view.

Okay, Mind, come on…

( MINDY LAUGHING,
MORK GRUNTING )

Hi.

Mind…

Doctor, what are you doing?

I was just checking for lumps.

Okay… We have to get this
patient out of here right away.

Nonsense, that patient is having
brain surgery in two hours.

You haven't done anything to her
yet?

Of course not. I just came in
to shave her head.

Oh, no.

Don't you shave one hair
on her chin.

Mindy, Mindy…

Hello. Mindy, Mindy.

No, Mindy is me.

- What's up, doc?
- ( LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY )

Min. Mind. Mind… Oh.

( WHISPERS ):
Oh, Mind, Mindy. It's me, Mork.

I dressed like this
'cause I was looking for you.

Well, I think
that I'm over there.

( MORK AND MINDY LAUGH )

Very fun, Min.

Let's get out before they
turn your head into a planter.

Come on, let's go.

They wouldn't do that
to old Mindy…

What's my last name again?

McDonald.

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

( LAUGHS )

Ah. Why,
she's a little delirious.

I just gave her a sedative.

Her name isn't McDonald,
it's McConnell.

You know, you look
very familiar.

You assisted me last week
in that lip transplant

for Mick Jagger, remember that?

Well… Well, I've re-diagnosed
this patient

and her brain has cleared up,
heh.

See you later. Let's go, Mind.

No, Mind. Woo!

Ahhh. Wow. That's a great ride.

Since I usually get sick
on ferris wheels.

Oh, that's wonderful.
There we go.

Mind, I think I can
take you home.

I'll take those tonsils out
there.

Let's go. There we go.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Let's go, Mind.

You dance divinely.
Do you come here often?

Well… Ow!

Woo!

Hello. Hi.

Hello.

What is going on here?

I can hear you halfway
down the hall.

Oh, Dr. Roland,
I'm so glad you're here.

That doctor is behaving
very strangely.

Doctor, I think you should
put that patient down.

No, she's mine.

Oh, doctor, please.

Give Mrs. McDonald back to us.

No, it's not McDonald,
it's McConnell.

McDonald.

Over 30 billion sold.

Wanna see my arches?

I knew I should have been
a plumber.

Look, uh, nurse. I, uh…

think I'm gonna need
your assistance here, all right?

( LAUGHS ) Min…

Mindy, come on, let's go.

Wait! Hey, no, no, don't, don't.

Don't you realize
you're up six stories?

Oh, I love stories.

Whoa! Mindy, Mindy!

Get back! Back!
I have a thermometer here

and you don't know
where it's been.

Mindy.

I'd like to thank you all
for coming

and I promise I'll make
a darn good Miss America.

Be careful. There's
a lot of gravity down there.

MAN: Come on, jump.

No.

You jump.

Mind…

We'd better get them
before they fall.

No, stay back. Stop! Stay back!

Bruce Lee lives. Wahhh!

Wahhhh!

Wahhhh!

Whoa!

( GROWLING )

( SCREAMS )

He bit me!

( GRUNTS )

Oh, there you are. Mr. Burnett.

Yes, I had a feeling
you were on this floor

when we found Dr. Brody
in the closet

wearing underwear
and striped suspenders.

Do you know this maniac?

BURNETT: Now, he's okay.

His friend Mindy McConnell
got mixed up with a patient

named Mavis McDonald.

Oh. Her name is Mindy.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

MINDY: Now for my first dive:

A forward half gainer
with a full-twist summy.

Mind! ( MINDY YELPS )

I'm so glad you did that.
You know why?

Why? 'Cause I can't swim.

( GIGGLING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Here, Mindy,
have some more ice cream.

Oh, thanks, but I think
I've had enough.

Oh. Oh. Keep the…

You know, if you have any more,

we're gonna send you home
in a freezer bag.

Ha-ha-ha! A freezer…

Freezer… Freezer bag.

You know, Mindy should be sore
for only about a day.

I'll be sore for about a week.

Why are you sore?

Well, the nurse bit me back.

You know, this whole rigamarole
proves what I always say:

You gotta be sick
to go in the hospital.

So simple,

yet so meaningless.

You know, I just can't believe
we had all that trouble

over a typographical error.

Funny, there were
no typos on the bill.

Oh, well, speaking
for my future profession,

first I wanna apologize.

But despite what happened,
doctors and nurses

really do wanna help.

I think you've probably
gotta help them

by keeping your eyes open,
asking questions.

Especially if you fear
for your life.

You know, Mind, I'm glad I saved
you from that brain surgery.

If not, I'd be sitting here now
eating ice cream

with someone I didn't know
and that someone would be you.

You know, Mork, what would I do
without you?

Well, probably sitting somewhere
in front of a mirror

watching yourself drool.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTICAL THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

( ORSON COUGHING )

ORSON: Hello, Mork.

Oh, Your Corpulence,
you sound sick.

Very observant, Mork.

Why haven't you gone
to one of the health clowns?

- All the ones nearby are broken.
- Oh.

I've been trying
to find a doctor,

but none of them can afford me.

You won't believe this, sir,
but on Earth,

people pay doctors. Ha-ha!

That's crazy. Oh, I know.

Without sick people, doctors
would have nothing to do.

Oh, I know that, Your Lumpyship.

But I've learned on Earth
this week

that staying healthy's
like everything else in life.

It all depends
on how much money you have.

Were you ill? Oh, no, no, sir.

Mindy was,
but she's all right now.

I had to rescue her
from a hospital.

- What's a hospital?
- Well, hospitals are places

where Earthlings are interred
while they're sick

and not released until they give
the hospital money.

It sounds like a jail.

Well, sort of, sir,
except the food is worse.

I guess if you get sick
on Earth, you're doomed.

Oh, no, no, sir.

You see, most doctors
and hospitals are quite good.

But I also realized this week

that while it's tough
to be sick,

it's also tough to be a doctor.

See, after all, to err is human,

but most people won't allow
doctors to be human.

Till next week, sir, nanu.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )