Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 5 - Dr. Morkenstein - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mindy: I don't think it was such
a bad idea for a promotion…

"A night in Acapulco."

Okay, okay, so I blew it,
but I gotta figure out a way

to get some customers
in this place.

Okay, guinea pig,

could you flex your tendon?

I thought you'd never ask.

What are you doing?



Don't put your feet
on the table.

I gotta serve food here.

I am studying to be a doctor.

Comprende?

Yeah, I know.

You got a perfect patient here…

Your brother's business
is dying.

All right, everybody,
mellow out!

It's officer mork here,
of the "Right on" police.

You know, I've been really
picking up some bad vibes

on my vibrational meter,
and I'm not gonna bust you

because that's really
a downer, okay?

I'm gonna put you under
gestalt arrest.

It's a thing, where…
Hey, I've got some handcuffs.



If you don't wanna wear them,
you don't have to.

If you want to,
I'll fasten them real tight…

What is all this?

What, you didn't know?
Mork got a new job.

He's the night watchman
at the science exhibition.

Heh, that should set science
back about 200 years.

Whoa. Nice-looking gams,
sweetheart.

Gams?

Pens, stems, pipes.

So, Mork-O, have a seat here.

Remo.

Sounds like you found
a job you really like.

I'm proud of ya.

I can keep it as long as I do
the two things I'm supposed to.

One thing is to make my rounds,

the other is to keep my hands
off the science exhibits.

How's it going?

Well, one out of two ain't bad.

Uh-oh.

All right, spill it.

Well, there's this really cute
old robot there,

and I've… I've reprogrammed him
to play games and talk.

He always wins,

but it's better than playing
mumbletypeg with a laser.

Mork, you know
you probably shouldn't be

fooling around with the
science exhibits.

Well, no one really cares about
him, except for me.

Hold it a minute.

Telling me you've
reprogrammed some sort of robot.

Are you kidding?
It's really simple.

All you have to do is
adjust the circuitry

to accommodate new diodes,
and, probably, if it's at night,

it's a nocturnal emission,

which is kind of
embarrassing for a robot.

And besides that,

The real tricky part
is synchronizing your polarity

with your binder encronometers.
If you do that,

You either get a robot
that talks, or a Cuisinart.

I knew that.

Well, I… I guess I'm off.

Remo, Huh?

How did that
"Night in Acapulco" go?

Oh, not too good.

No one thought it looked like
authentic Mexico in here.

Well, that's easy, all you have
to do is bust people

as they leave.

Ciao!

See ya.

MORK: I see you $2 million,
and raise you the moon.

(MONOTONE ROBOTIC VOICE):
Too rich for my hydraulic system.

I win the known universe
with a pair of 2s.

What did you have?
Let's see here.

Whoa! Four aces.

Couldn't have won
with that, anyway.

How did you know I was bluffing?

Actually, I could see
your cards in your dome.

Shazbat!

Well, I can't teach you
everything, Chuckela.

Mork, could we talk
for a moment,

in private?

Private's locked.

Lab rats are drugged.

What's up, Chuck?

I want to thank you

for programming me
for consciousness.

Aw, it's no big deal.

I was kinda lonely.
I needed someone to talk to.

Something very strange
has happened.

Yesterday, after you left,

I experienced a condition
which seemed to dictate

the necessity of your presence.

Chuck…

you missed me.

Missed you?

But that's impossible.

Robots function purely by logic.

I have no emotions.

Well, you've got them now.

I didn't mean
to give them to you,

but I guess that comes with
having a conscience.

Well, I shouldn't have emotions.

They conflict
with my computer banks.

I used to think
the same way, Chuck, but…

now I'm up to my ears in 'em.

You've probably got a few
of them swimming inside.

They're just itching to get out.

Cootchy, cootchy, cootchy.

Maybe that is what caused
the other strange thing.

When you came in last night,
you smiled at the newer robot,

and I wanted to
scratch out his cathodes.

Chuck, you were jealous.

These emotions have names?

Yes, and I know them
all personally.

Is it good to be jealous?

Well, It's good
to have emotions,

but jealousy's not one of
the better ones.

Why are you jealous of XLG-15?

Because he is shiny and new,

and technologically perfect,

and I am going to be
dismantled next week.

Why, Chuck-O?

Metal fatigue.

They say rusty old robots
like me should be destroyed.

Who are they? They're not gods.

Just because they created you,

doesn't give them
the right to do that.

Mork, calm down.

Everyone is only here
temporarily.

Even that brand-new, shiny robot

will wear out someday.

But the only thing that's tough,

is I've… I've just found out

I'm going to be dismantled,

and I've just found out…
what it is to be alive.

Chuck, how can you take it
so calmly?

They must know
what they are doing.

They feel I should be
taken apart,

before I fall apart.

The only flaw in their logic is,

I am not falling apart!

( METAL CLANGS )

What was that, Chuck?

Nothing.

My stomach was rumbling.

Let's change the subject.

Anything you say.

Yes.

All right, uh,
let's play another game.

We've played poker, let's see.

We'll play, um, "I spy."

You be Robert Culp,
I'll be Bill Cosby, all right?

Sure!

I spy with my little eye,

something beginning
with the letter "a."

Whoa, great impression
of Linda Blair.

Acetylene torch.

Hot, but no way.

( LAUGHS )

These emotions are interesting.

I'd like to experience
more of them.

Adhesive tape!

Sticky, but no banana.

You'll never get emotions
if you're cramped up

in this tiny, cooped up
space all the time.

Well, I guess if you're not
gonna guess it,

then I'll have to tell you.

It was air.

Oh! But it's supposed to be
something you can see.

You can't see air.

Ah, then you've never been
to Los Angeles.

All right, you win.

Okay.

I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with… "F."

"F."

Floor!

No. Ah.

Oh, I wish I could
get out of here,

so I could experience
some more emotions.

Mmm! I want to live!

I want to dance!

I want to shake my booty!

( YAWNS )

( LIGHT THEME PLAYING )

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Mork!

What are you doing home
so early?

- It's not early.
- It's 5:00 in the morning.

Oh. Oh, I must have
fallen asleep,

while watching that movie.

What were you watching?

Oh, I don't know.
Some old tear-jerker.

My favorite love story is
"Mothra vs. Godzilla."

I always cry when
Tokyo gets destroyed.

Same old story, though.

Boy meets city, boy loses city.

Tiny girls sing…

♪ Mothra ♪

Well, how was work?

Oh. Well, remember that old
robot called Chuck,

I was telling you about?

They named the robot Chuck?

Well, no one calls him "Chas."

Remember I programmed him
to play games and talk?

Well, now he's
accidentally got feelings.

I didn't think
robots had feelings.

I didn't think Orkans did, but…

Now he's got them, he wants to
experience everything.

Well, maybe you could fix him up
with Mr. Bickley's dishwasher.

Now he's not a machine, anymore.

He's a being.

He wants to meet people.

He wants to party hearty.

I don't know what you're
getting yourself into,

but this whole thing
sounds pretty strange to me.

Have you ever heard
the story of Frankenstein?

Oh, yeah, it's an
incredible love story.

Mork, besides being a love
story, what it was about,

was if you tamper
with a monster, then…

Chuck's not a monster!

He's no Robert Redford, but…

The point is, Mork…

Is that Frankenstein
was given feelings,

and he didn't know
how to handle them,

and he got himself into
a lot of trouble.

So you're implying that

Chuck is going to strangle
innocent townspeople?

What I'm saying is
that it might end up

hurting itself,
or maybe somebody else,

and it might end up
costing you your job.

Listen.

I know a lot about Chuck.

He's my best friend.

I know him very,
very well, and…

He hasn't got a vicious
circuit in his body.

He wouldn't harm anything.

( KNOCKING )

( TENSE THEME PLAYING )

It's for you.

Mindy, this is Chuck the robot.

Yeah, that would have
been my guess.

Greetings, Mindy.

I am sorry about the door.

Oh, well, it's my fault.

I never should leave it closed.

It's all right, Chuck-O.

We'll just put
a two-foot peephole in.

Perfect for 600-pound
Avon ladies.

(HUSKY VOICE):
Wanna buy some makeup?

( LAUGHS )

So, this is a home.

No, this is an apartment.

A home is where he belongs.

Come on in, Chuck.
Take a load off your hinges.

There we go.

Oh, dear. Ohh.

Uh, Mork, I think that
your friend, uh, Chuck,

should go back
to the science fair.

Come on, Mindy.
Let him stay. He's a friend.

He needs a place to stay.
Please, please, Mindy.

Oh, gee, Mork. I don't know.

No way!

But maybe we all
could get together,

and have lunch sometime.

You act like
you're afraid of Chuck.

(LAUGHS): Oh, no.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Come here, don't be afraid.
Come here, touch him.

Listen, this couldn't
harm you. Watch.

Chuck, kill!

See, he didn't do anything.

Lassie would have been
at your throat by now.

Chuck, say hello.

Hello, Mindy.

You're very pretty.

Oh. Well, thank you.

And you're very metallic.

Thank you.

Oh, please, let me stay.

I… I was kidding myself
before, Mork.

I am rusting away.

There's not going to be anything
wrong with you,

there's nothing wrong with you.

With the time I have left,

I want to find out
what life is all about.

I… I need to be with
warm, caring people.

Yeah. Chuck and I,

We're… We're real,
real good buddies.

You bet!

See? He likes me.

No, no, Chuck. That's
all right. I'll get up.

Mork, he has to go back
before he's missed.

Well, the exhibit doesn't open
until next Monday.

No one's going to miss me
over the weekend.

Except maybe the Coke machine,

but she's only nice for money.

Mindy, please let him stay.

He'll be the perfect house guest.

He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep,

doesn't smell after three days.

And he only uses the bathroom

to change his oil.

Oh, that's a good one, Mork.

Oh, Mindy, isn't he
a fantastic audience?

Uh, yeah.

Just like having Vegas
in your own home.

Oh, Mindy, how can I thank you

for letting me stay here?

Oh, any way you want,
as long as it's from over there.

'Scuse me, Mork.

Mindy, please.

Let's make Chuck feel at home.

Tell you what.
You go fluff up the toolbox,

and I'll make some STP daiquiri.

♪ Mary had a little… ♪

Bel, il, uh, schnuzz, ughhh.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, he said, "Mary had
a little… Bel, shnoot, ugh."

Aren't you into literature?

That's the poetry
of Billy Carter.

I'm sorry.

My brain seems to wander
once in a while.

I'm not as young
as I used to be.

In 1492, Columbus invented
the cotton gin.

He is in bad shape.

Well, he's not well,
but he'll get better.

I promise. He will.

Well, how long has
this been happening?

Uh, how long has what
been happening?

See?

I'm well enough, Mork,

for someone whose time
has almost come.

Oh, don't talk like that, Chuck.

You're still vital.

You're the original
man of steel.

On the outside, maybe,

but inside,
I have metal fatigue.

Even Geritol with iron
will not help.

( SIGHS )

Is there anything
that we can do to help?

Oh, I want to find out
what life is all about.

I have feelings,
and I want to use them.

Abraham Lincoln
was the 16th president,

and the inventor
of the Continental.

I never thought I'd be
feeling sorry for a robot.

Oh, please,
don't feel sorry for me.

Just help me make what time
I have left meaningful.

Ohhh, I want to feel useful.

There must be something
a robot can do,

besides just being another
exhibit at a science fair.

Mindy, you may have just
licked that problem

with that cute little
tongue of yours.

How would you like to be
the main attraction

at a delicatessen?

Will I learn more
about feelings there?

No, you'll learn about the most
intense emotion of them all.

You mean… love?

No, heartburn.

REMO: Step right up!

I want you to see the scientific
wonder of the century.

Chuck the robot's gonna
be here in a minute.

This is great.

Getting a robot to
lure in these people.

Mork, you're a genius!

Oh, you're too modest.

And somebody thought this was
the dumbest idea

he'd ever heard.

Look, it's no disgrace
to be a septic, okay?

Skeptic. Tanks.

How was I supposed to know
the robot could talk?

Oh, well Remo,
anything's possible!

You learned.

Heh, heh.

You know what it means,

when I put my thumb in my teeth
like this, huh?

Yes, that you're too
short to reach your nose.

Oh, that's a good one.
You're learning from me.

You're learning from me.

Come on. All right, already.

We'd better bring him out, now.

They seem to be getting
a little restless, and full.

May I have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

We are about to
bring out Chuck the robot.

( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERING )

But first, how about a…

A piece of this delicious
strawberry cheesecake?

We're going to can the
commercial break,

that lady's doing a
nasty thing to the salami,

making a weapon.

Hey, Chuck-O! Get ready, baby!

Here he comes, here he comes!

( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERING )

Ahhh, so, this is what
life is all about.

Chuck, my main machine,
slam me some tin, baby!

Whoa! Heavy metal!

Ladies and gentlemen,
let me present Chuck the robot!

( CHEERING )

He's gonna answer
any of your questions,

and solve any of your problems.

So, where's the restroom?

That is not my problem.

( LAUGHTER )

They laughed. They must like me.

Are you kidding?
You're killin' them.

I can see Variety tomorrow.
"Garners big yuks.

Arranged to gather for confab.
Five big deals."

Thank you all for coming…
especially the fat lady.

What?

That's a little bit
intense, Chuck-O.

You're being a little too
realistic, there.

But I… I… I don't
know why I said that.

Look, uh, Chuck, I think, maybe,

that you better go
and apologize, okay?

Oh, yes. You're right.

Lady, I am sorry you are fat.

Mork, Mork, I did it again!

- That's it, I'm leavin'!
- Wait, wait.

And don't look too close
for the tip!

How about some cheesecake?

I thought you said this
was gonna help business.

- What's wrong, Chuck?
- I don't know.

Hi, Mr. Robot!

Hello, little girl.
How are you today?

Fine, thanks.

How much is three and four?

Nine.

Nine.

It is nine.

See, mommy, I was right.

MAN: He… He's wrong.

The robot was wrong!

Can it, baldy.

Ahh! Oh! Help me! Help!

I am having
an emotional brownout.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, nothing. He'll be all right.

Come on, Chuck. Let's go.
We gotta get out of here.

No, he can't go!

Mork, something terrible
is happening to me!

I've got to go! Now! Now!

"E" equals H2O.

No, don't do that!
Water equals MC squared.

( ALL SHOUTING )

I-s-s-ugh!

I-s-s-ugh! I-s-s-ugh!

Oxygen! Oxygen!

Shut up!

There's nothin' wrong with him!

He's gonna be all right.

( MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYING )

All right, come on.

( PANTING )

Mork, we'd better hurry.

It's all right, Mindy.

No one comes in here
till Monday, anyway.

( BRITISH ACCENT):
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

Foxholes are for fighting.

Poor Chuck.

His circuits
are really going fast.

Well, it's nothing
that can't be fixed.

( ANGRILY ):
Get those birds outta here!

Easy, old fella. Easy.

It's gonna be all right.

Who… Who is it?
Who's… Who's talking to me?

It's your old buddy, Mork-O.

I'm here too, Chuck.

Remember me? Mindy?

You rested your head on my bed,

while Mork sponged you off
with Rust-Oleum.

I remember.

( WHEEZES )

Hey, hang in there,
old buddy. You're home now.

Ohh. Home.

Oh, yes.

That's the best place to die.

Hey, you don't talk like that.

Ohh.

Your hands.

They're warm.

Reload the muskets!

Drive back those zulus,

in the name of the queen!

Uh… why is he shouting?

Maybe I can pull
his transistors.

That way I can give him
a temporary jerry-rig.

I can recharge him, maybe.

Mork.

Mork, what you want
to do is good,

but you're only postponing
the inevitable.

But I gotta do something,

I don't wanna see him
die like this.

But Mork, he's suffering.

You're only going to prolong it.

I… Yeah, but he…

I think you should let him go
for both your sakes.

Yeah, but it's not right, Mindy.

That's not for you to decide.

Yeah, but I gotta do something.

I don't want to see him spend
his last few moments like this.

Please.

Can we have a few
moments, please?

Sure.

Chuck?

( WHISPERS ): Present.

How are you feeling?

Afraid.

You… You're gonna be all right

after I finish doing this.

What… Don't… No…
What are you doing?

I was just gonna pull
some of your circuits,

so you'll go back to
the way you were,

so you won't feel
what you're feeling.

No. No, leave me…
Leave me the way I am.

But I've got to, Chuck.

That way you won't feel
the fear anymore.

I wanted to be human.

Fear… Fear comes with
the territory.

I'll have the lasagna.

( SIGHS )

It's my fault, Chuck.

You were just a machine,
before I got a hold of you.

I want to turn you back
to the way you were.

Oh, then we couldn't
have been close.

Oh… you… You let me
feel life, Mork.

Please… let me feel
the end of it, huh?

Yeah, but I don't wanna see…

♪ Ring around the rosey ♪

♪ Pock… ♪

Chuck-O, I don't wanna
see you suffer like this.

All my life,
I never had a choice.

You gave me the ability
to make one,

and my choice is
to die with dignity.

Yeah, but you don't make it
very easy for me.

Mork, you know what?

We never finished
our "I spy" game.

We were on "f."

I don't think I can play.

Please. Oh, please.

Flea collar.

( GASPING )

Chuck, I can't go on doing this.

It's… ( COUGHING )

It's all right.

I'm gonna take care of you.

( GASPING ): I spy…

Wi… With my little eye,

Friend.

( SLOW THEME PLAYS )

( CRYING )

MORK: Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, your blimpship.

ORSON: Here I am, Mork.

What did you do this week?

Oh, sir,
I played "The Wizard of Oz."

I gave the Tin Man a heart.

Is that another
of your weird analogies?

Oh, no, sir.
Just a movie metaphor.

See, what actually happened,
sir, is there was this robot.

He was nothing but
a bunch of nuts and bolts,

and I helped him
become a person.

You built a monster?

No, sir.

I made a friend.

If you made a friend,

why are you so sad?

Well, sir, I lost him.

Can't you make another?

No, sir.

Well, I could, but I
haven't got the heart for it.

What do you mean?

Well, sir… you know when
you create someone,

and you nurture them,
and they grow?

Well, there comes a time
when they…

( VOICE BREAKING ):
They have to lead their own life,

or… Or die their own death.

And now your friend
is gone forever?

Oh, no, sir. No.

I'll always keep him right here.

( CLEARS THROAT )

Till next week, sir.

Nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )