Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 4 - Mork's Baby Blues - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hey, you know, Jeanie,
I was thinking,

uh, this deli would do
a little more business

if you had some kind
of promotion.

Maybe you could give away
gasoline with every sandwich.

Ha!

They already get gas
with the chili.

No, no, no.

I mean, something that
would be like a reward



to, uh, your few
loyal customers.

Say, a discount on the food.

Oh, Mr. Bickley thinks we
should give him a discount.

Yeah, say,
10 percent off the top.

Oh. You got it.

Maurice,
keep the engine running.

Here's $100.
Buy yourself a cigar.

Here's $200.
Buy yourself a haircut.

Love you.

Hey, what's going on here?

Hey, Bick, here's $20
for that card

I bought from you
last Christmas.

Love you, darling.

- What is this?
- It's Monopoly money.



I know. I don't want to pay you
with that useless U.S. currency.

Wow. How'd you get
to be so rich?

Well, it's a long story.

I'll make it real short.

I played Mindy in Monopoly
last night,

and I beat the chance off her.

( LAUGHS )

I cleaned out
her community chest.

Always inspiring to see
a good winner.

Gosh. What are you gonna do
with all your money?

Maybe invest it. I don't want
people to know that I'm loaded.

I had the same problem.

Remo, do you have any place
where I can hide this?

Oh, I've got the perfect place.

Where I hide all my valuable
potato peels and coffee grounds.

Oh, excuse me, Daddy Warbucks.

JEAN: I have a customer.

Here you go.

Well, now that I've got
all this money,

I don't know whether I should
build a tax shelter, you know?

I bought this book
by Bert Lance:

Having Fun With
Other People's Money.

With all this scratch, I've been
itching to go to Crab Nebula.

Well, I hope you have fun.

Well, who knows.

You know, I've all those hotels,

I built all those houses,
but it's all so plastic.

I don't know whether to invest
in maybe, uh, public utilities

or buy a railroad.
What do you think?

If you really want to know
what to do with all that money,

why don't you pay for my dinner?

♪ La-la-la ♪

( SOBS )

Ahem.

Ahem.

A… A hem and a sleeve.

What's wrong? I mean,
the service is slow,

but don't let it bum you out.

It's not just the service.

It's… It's my whole life.

I'm a horrible failure.

Well, maybe I can make you
a better failure.

Well, thanks,
but there's no hope for me.

I came to Boulder
to become a star.

I wanted to sing and…
And to dance

and to make movies.

You came to Boulder
to become a star?

Now I'm here. I'm all alone.

Got no money.

Got no friends.

( WHIMPERS )

Hey, if you want a sugar daddy,
I'm hypoglycemic.

Hey, listen, I've got more money
than J. Paul Getty put together.

Hey, I'll be your friend.

Really? That's wonderful.

Could we start right away?

Hey, even sooner.

Oh, great.

Maybe you could come over
to dinner at my house,

say, like, around 7-ish?

How about now-ish?

Oh, that's great-ish.

( BOTH LAUGH )

REMO: Hey, Mork.

You want your 5 grand back?

No, keep it. It's just paper.

Ooh. No, better than that.

Throw it away. It's wrinkled.

MORK: The other day

I bought a huge car and said,

"Throw it in the river.
I want to see it sink."

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mm, that was
a wonderful meal, Kathy.

I love a good pork butt.

Well, thanks for the chow,
and ciao.

Oh, no, you can't go yet.

Um, I've hardly
gotten to know you.

Why don't you come over here
on the couch?

Oh, dokey-okey.

Whoa…! Hup-ho!

Five-point-0.

You know, Mork,

my heart really went out to you

when I heard about your burden
of having too much money.

You know, it made my problem
seem so small.

Having no money.

( CHUCKLES )

Oh, thank you. Mm, nice wine.

Oh, and a good week too.

Well, you know, a dollar doesn't
go as far as it used to.

Probably can't afford the gas.

Wah…!

You have a very kind face.

Oh, and you have
kind of a face too.

Hoo-hoo!

And your hair,
ooh, it's so soft.

That's because
I gargle with lanolin.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

( IMITATES WAR-DANCE CHANT )

Adorable, Oh.

Uh, why don't you
put your arms around me?

Oh, sure thing, Kimosabette.

See?

I never even touched you.

You know, I can also stand
on my lips.

That's…

That's swell.

Oh, you know,

I'm getting so tired.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Maybe you should go to bed,
then.

But I'd be so lonely.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is there
anything I can do to help?

Mork, think about it.

I mean, I'm a woman,

you're a man.

Right. Oh.

And this is a dove.

And here's a chicken.

And this is a little lizard.

( CHUCKLES )

- Boy, this is getting fun.
- Your turn.

( CLEARS THROAT )

Well, I know something
that's a lot more fun, okay?

Why don't you take off
your suspenders.

All right.

- Hey, that's no fun.
- I do that every night.

Oh! Oh, it's getting so hot
in here!

Well, you know, when I get hot,

I like to sit
on a good cold Fudgsicle.

Doesn't everyone?

Mork,

I want you
to spend the night here.

Why?

( ENUNCIATING ):
Because I'm all alone.

I need somebody here.

( ENUNCIATING ):
All right, I'll do it.

But do you have an attic?

( NORMAL VOICE ):
I don't have an attic.

( NORMAL VOICE ):
All right. I'll rough it here,

right on Mr. Couch.

But what about my Mr. Bed?

I don't think there's room
for the couch.

Well… Besides, where would
you sleep?

Fine.

Fine, fine.
But you know where I am

should you need me.

I'll just whistle.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( SIGHS )

( SIGHS )

Well, thanks a lot, Jeanie.

If you see him,
will you tell him to call me?

Yeah, I… I won't.

Okay, thanks. Bye-bye.

Mork, it's you!

You're right! Johnny Olson,
tell her what she's won!

Thanks, Carl.
She's just won a Naugahyde wig.

Yes, Naugahyde,
the wig of the champions.

Well, where have you been?
What have you been doing?

Nothing.

Nothing?

You were gone all night.

Well, I met a lonely actress.

And?

Well, she asked me over
for dinner.

Did you go?

Sure. I was hungry.

So, what happened after dinner?

Nothing.

We just sat on the couch,
that's all.

- That's all?
- Oh, pretty much, yeah.

There was a little dancing
and then, uh,

I put my arms around her.

Oh, you did, did you?

Yeah. And then I took off
my suspenders,

and she got a little overheated.

She took off her top,
and then, boom,

she wanted to go to bed.

Well?

Nothing.

I just spent the night with her,
that's all.

Bye-bye.

Mindy, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Good.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

Entre nous.

Kathy.

( CHUCKLES ): Mork.

You know, I'm a little
disappointed.

I thought you were gonna be
my friend.

One evening, and I don't see you
for two weeks?

Well, I… I thought you only
needed a friend for one night.

You're forgiven.

You know, somehow I imagined

your place would be, well,
more expensive-looking.

Well, it's not mine. It belongs
to the girl I live with.

A girl, huh?

And does this girl know about
the night you spent with me?

Oh, yes, I told Mindy
all about it.

Good.

Very good.

You know, Mork,

I've been thinking about you
a lot these past two weeks,

and that night we spent together

had a lot of meaning for me.

What did it mean to you?

Mm, let's see…

Pork butt.

Good dancing, lumpy sofa.

Are you trying to say
you love me?

I don't think so.

Okay, Mork, ahem,

I wasn't gonna bring this up,

but you have torn it out of me.

Will you marry me?

( GASPS ): This is so sudden!

Hi.

Well, who's this?

Remember I told you about that
girl I spent the night with,

the one with the bad thermostat?

Mindy, this is Kathy.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, Mork and I were just talking
about getting married.

Ah-ha-ha! You were?

No, she were.

Uh, Kathy, um, I don't think
you understand.

You see, uh,

Mork and I
have been living together

for quite some time now,

and Mork sometimes doesn't grasp

the complexities
of personal relationships.

Now, I'm sure
you're a very nice girl,

but somewhere along the way,

I think you've gotten
your wires crossed.

Mindy, dear, I don't think
you understand.

I'm having Mork's baby.

♪ La-la-la ♪

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Well, I hope you're at least
gonna do the right thing by me.

I mean, it's gonna take
a lot of money

to raise our child properly
after we're married.

Married?

Oh, if I marry her,

can I still
keep living with you?

Thanks for the offer, Mork,
but I think I'll pass.

Well, I'd like to still
keep living with Mindy.

Would you take money instead?

What a cruel thing to say.

But then, life is cruel,
isn't it?

Okay.

Great. Here's 15 bucks.

Oh, that's funny.
Yeah, that's very, very funny.

Well, you listen, buster,

you're gonna have
a paternity suit on your hands

if I don't get $5,000
in 24 hours.

Oh, listen, I'm no legal bozo.
How about a compromise?

Five thousand hours
to give you $24.

This guy's hysterical.

Well, before you start talking
about lawsuits,

you'd better be able to prove
that he's the father.

Oh, well, even if I can't
prove it,

I can make his life miserable
in court,

and I guarantee
it won't seem so funny

when his name is plastered
all over the newspapers.

( DOOR CLOSES )

Oh, Mork, what have you done?

Well, I guess I know
what you've done, but…

Well, Mindy, what am I gonna do?

Well, Mork,
to tell you the truth,

I don't think I'm the one
to advise you at this time.

Somehow, I just find it
a little difficult

to be objective.

Oh, I don't want to marry
somebody that's not Mindy.

REMO: Come on.

It'll help promote business.

JEAN: Remo…

Please, just…
Just try on the sarong.

If it worked for L’Amour,
it'll work for la less.

Remo, the flower, yes.
The sarong, never.

It's not like it's topless.

Ha! It's just tasteless.

But then, how can you
discuss taste with a man

who looks like he walked out
of a Don Ho nightmare?

You say anything,
and you're the daily special.

REMO: Mork!

Hawaii!

A little depressed.

Whoa, Remo, what happened?
Did Picasso throw up on you?

Thanks, it's great
to see you too.

What's the matter with you?

Well, I'm thinking
of getting married.

Oh.

Well, you got troubles.
Sit down.

And you're lucky.
Today I'm dressed

like a Hawaiian psychiatrist.

All right, what's the deal?

Well, I… I… I'm thinking
of getting married.

Well, I'm excited for you.

In fact, I think it's terrific,

and I know Mindy's
real happy too, huh?

I don't think she likes
the girl too much.

Wha…? What girl?

Well, the one
that's having my baby.

How did that happen?

Well, it was an accident.
I wish you could get coverage

for that type of collision.

Yeah, but let's be hypothetical
for a moment.

What would happen if, uh,
Jeanie, you know, um…?

You know, uh…?
You know, got in trouble?

I'd kill the guy! Okay.

I'd kill him, and I'd force him
to marry her.

Feel like I'm wearing
a doggy bag from a luau.

Jeanie, will…? Will you
cover yourself up?

And stay away from him.

Well, gladly, and why?

Well, um, he got a girl, uh…

Fat. No.

In the family way.

Yeah, I think she wants
to get married.

I can't believe this.

But if you did it, marrying her

is the honorable thing to do.

Of course, it's your
decision, Mork.

Yeah, I do want to do
the honorable thing.

I guess I'd better marry her
tonight.

Better start making
some phone calls.

I guess you have
a lot of plans to make, huh?

Right. You're darn tooting.

The first thing I want to do
is find out her last name.

Can you imagine? Mr. and Mrs….

( MUMBLES )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( KNOCK )

MORK: Yoo-hoo!

It's me, lumpy boy.

Well, I'm glad you agreed
to settle things right away.

Now,

where's the money?

- Money? What money?
- We're getting married.

Getting married?

But on the phone,
you said that… That…

That you were gonna
take care of everything.

Well, I am, little uzzy-wuzzums.

I'm also gonna take care
of our little bundle de joie.

There is no little…

There is no reason
for us to get married.

With your money, I can take care
of the fuzzy bundle

all by myself.

I wouldn't think of it,
sugar lumps.

Don't call me that.

Why not? I mean, pretty soon
we're gonna be husband and wife

and you're gonna be
my little boojums

and I'm gonna be
your Uncle Squeezers.

Listen, I don't think
you really understand

quite what's going on here.

Mork… Mm-hm?

I'm not good enough for you.

Oh… Oh, I mean,

you can't throw away
your whole life

just because you made
one little mistake.

But after we're married,
I can sleep on the couch again,

and we'll have lots
of little mistakes.

Reconsider.

Reconsider. No, I…

Oh, you sly boots.

You're more anxious than I am.

You're already ready to go
on the honeymoon.

Turlock, here we come.

Wait a minute. This isn't
going right at all.

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

Who's that?

Either the pope
or a justice of the peace.

I'll get it.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

The bus doesn't stop
at this corner.

- Hello, I'm Mork.
- I'm Justice Aaron Abbott.

You know, I found him at the
beginning of the telephone book.

He's the top of his field.

And this is?

Oh, Kathy, my lovely
bride-to-be.

I didn't catch
your last name yet.

Cumberland. Oh, like the gap.

Boy, I hope Mindy
gets that note I left.

I wouldn't want her
to miss this.

KATHY: Mork.

Mork, you don't even know
what I'm like.

I mean, I have these rotten,
filthy, awful habits.

I… I drool in my sleep.

That's all right.
I'll wear rubber pajamas.

Okay, I didn't want
to lay this on you,

but I run around with men.

Uh-oh. Shouldn't jog
when you're preggers.

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

Who's that?
Could be the pope now.

I'll get it.

Ah, friends of the bride
or the groom?

Uh… Uh, the groom. Yeah.

Uh, can I talk to you
for a minute, Mork?

I know that you think
you know what you're doing,

but I know you don't really know
what you think that you know.

Uh, you tell him.

Mork, can you…?

Can you take a little
constructive criticism?

Sure.

This is the stupidest thing
you've ever done.

Oh, I guess that means you're
not bringing a wedding present.

Mork, Mork, Mork,

you don't owe
that bimbo anything.

You have your whole life
ahead of you.

You're a young man.
You've got your health.

You have your friends.

Your brains are a little shaky.

But it's the honorable
thing to do.

That's another strike
against you.

You tell him. Mork…

I am really gonna miss you.

Oh, Mind, I hate to do this,
but it's my duty.

Oh, Mork.

Eh… Excuse me,
can we get started?

Oh. Sure thing.

Oh, no. No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I've been thinking.

Maybe we could raise the kid
for $4,000.

He doesn't have to go
to college.

I wouldn't think of it. Come on.

Twenty-five hundred.

He doesn't have to go
to high school.

I want to do the right thing.
A thousand dollars!

That's my final offer.

Eternal bliss and marriage to me
forever. That's my final offer.

Mork, you could ruin
the rest of your life.

Well, what about
the rest of my life?

ABBOTT: Could we?

Dearly beloved… I do.

Not yet. I don't.

Okay.

( WHISPERS ): Five hundred,

and you'll never
hear from me again.

( WHISPERS ):
Sounds like a good deal to me.

No, I buttered my bread,
and now I'm gonna lie in it.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered…
Oh, this is ridic…

( CLEARS THROAT ):
Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
to witness the union

of this man and this woman.

We have come to join them
in the bonds of holy matrimony…

Oh, nothing kinky yet, please.

If there's anyone here who
would object to this marriage,

let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

I object.

I object.

I object. That's three.

Fifty dollars, bus fare,
and I'm gone.

But gungabooby, I would if
I could, but I haven't got $50.

It's all in stocks?

No, it's in pants.
It's in my pocket.

Fifteen big ones.

You're not rich?

Eh.

You mean I wasted all this time,
and you're not even rich?

Now I object.

Maybe I can still catch
the 8:15 bus.

Better have that taken care of.

Somebody might trip.

ABBOTT: Whoa!

( CRASH )

Well, I'll finish the ceremony.

Do you promise to love,
honor, and obey

till one of us
bites the big one?

Will you stop it?

He never even laid a hand on me.

Don't they call this
"extortion"?

Eh.

You were extorting my baby?

What a horrible way
of saying you… You love me.

No, Mork, there is no baby.
There never was.

( STUTTERS INCOHERENTLY )

Shock, bewilderment, confusion.

Why did you want to marry me?

I think we'll let her
explain that

to the police. Come on.

You're not getting away
with this one this time,

Miss Honey Lumps.

Oh, uh,

you know, you are a very
attractive man.

Would you like to get
a bite to eat?

Are you buying?

I know this place where
I can get a 10-percent discount.

Oh, Min, just when I think
I understand you Earthlings,

some weirdness comes along
and, zammo.

Oh, Mork.

The problem is
you're a magnet for weird.

That woman thought
you were rich,

and she was out
to get your money.

She never thought
you were gonna marry her.

But wouldn't any human being
do that?

No.

See, that's one of
the other reasons

you have so much trouble.

You're just not fully human yet.

That's also one of the reasons
I think you're so special.

I think you're special.
I guess…

I guess that means that you're
not fully human yet either.

Well, thanks.

Oh, it's too bad about Kathy.

I had this incredible
honeymoon planned.

Now we can't go on it.

Maybe you'd like to go.

Well, maybe I would.
Where were you gonna go?

Well, we were gonna go
to Three Mile Island.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

ORSON: Here I am, Mork.

What's been going on?

Well, this week, sir,
I learned that on Earth,

things aren't always
what they appear to be.

You'll have to explain that.

I will, sir. For example,
the ocean appears to be clean,

new cars appear
to be well-built,

and Ronald Reagan
appears to have brown hair.

That's very complicated.

Well, it gets worse, sir.
There's double deceptions,

like the government appears
to be disorganized, and it is.

What does all this
have to do with your week?

I was about to tell you,
your testiness.

I met a woman who wasn't
what she appeared to be.

Who was that lady?

( IMITATING GROUCHO MARX ):
That was no lady. That was almost my wife.

( NORMAL VOICE ):
On Earth, some humans believe

that they should be married
before they get pregnant.

Why is that so important?

Well, I don't know.
It must be too expensive

to take the children along
on the honeymoon.

Well, I'm proud of you for
trying to do the right thing

in spite of the consequences,
Mork.

Thank you, sir. I…

I believe that I should
take responsibility

for the things that I do.

Main problem is

I can't figure out
whether I did them or not.

Ar-ar-ar-ar.

Well, until next week,
nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )