Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 3 - Stark Raving Mork - full transcript

Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( JOYFUL THEME PLAYING )

( IMITATES DRILL )

Mork, what did you do
to the toaster?

I'm preparing for that day
when you throw me out with

( SOUTHERN ACCENT )
nothin' but a fine-toothed comb.

When you go,
you're taking a ski,

a slipper, and half a toaster?

Yes, indeed.

Don't you think that I read
the papers and watch the TV?



Listen, when I leave,
I'm suing you

for half of everything you own.

It's called
"community property," baby.

It's called
the "Marvin Syndrome."

Well, I get half of everything
you own, too, you know?

Oh, so big deal.

Half of your Billy Barty poster.

If you just take the top half,
I still have a poster.

And I want half
of your three bags of sand.

Oh, no.
Now it's alimony.

Please, don't throw me out.
I'll do anything you want.

- Okay.
- All right.

Hey, look, Mork…
why were you worried

that I was going
to ask you to leave?



Did I say something
or do something?

I've been reading the s-ss-ss…

I've been reading the s-ss-ss…

I looked at the figures
on divorce,

and the odds are against any
couple staying together forever.

Yeah, I know.
I think that's kind of sad.

That's probably because
when people first get together,

they're just crazy
about each other,

and then as time wears on, the
excitement kind of wears off.

I'm still crazy about you.

And I'm still crazy
about you, too.

Good, then we have nothing
to fear but sanity itself.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Mindy, promise me

that things will always stay
exciting for us.

Oh, Mork, I can't
because they won't.

But I think of it as getting
comfortable, not humdrum.

What a coincidence.

I used to play humdrum
in my school band.

I bet you did.

( HUMMING )

I'll bet you were great
on the national anthem.

The Orkan anthem has no music.

It's three minutes of sucking
through your teeth.

( SUCKING )

Yeah, well, you can't dance
to ours either.

Hey, listen, do you want to meet
me for lunch this afternoon?

Well, no, you see, Mr. Bickley
invited me down to the mall

to this new Italian restaurant
called Della Contessa.

I think that's delicatessen.

( ITALIAN ACCENT )
Doesn't sound very Italian.

It's owned by my girlfriend
Jeanie and her brother.

Bickley took me there
and stuck me with lunch.

Hope you didn't have
shish kebab. Ar, ar.

Well, I gotta go to class.

Okay, Mork, I'll tell you what.

I'll do my part to keep
this relationship exciting.

Tonight I will make us

a romantic little
Italian dinner for two.

Well, I'll do my part in trying
to keep the it exciting.

Tonight I'll put a bomb
in your cannoli.

( JOYFUL THEME PLAYING )

( CLATTERING )

Snippy.

Inconsiderate.

Ungrateful chowder head.

Pigheaded, overbearing,

ungrateful pea brain.

I knew we shouldn't have
moved out here.

What do you mean?

We would have had
the same argument in New York.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, there, I could have
given you a little pop.

Here, I get arrested
for "violatin' your space."

Remo, remind me
when I become a doctor

to open up your skull
and see what makes ya thick.

Ah.

( SIGHS )

( BELL DINGS )

Enjoy.

May I help you?

Yeah. I'd like the bacon,
lettuce, and tomato,

with coleslaw
and a cup of coffee, please.

One BLT,

one slaw, one java.

Hi. How may I help you?

May I ask you a question?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Everything's good.

That's not the question.

Um, do all the waitresses
and cooks fight like you two?

Only when the waitress
has a brother

with all the class
of a Gong Show reject.

What would you like to eat?

Well, I'd like a squealer
on a honky

no goyam
and a side of John darks.

What?

Oh, it's a ham on white,
no mayonnaise,

with lots of french fries.

A number 3.

Excuse me.
What are you fighting about?

Okay, look… Remo was
the last one out last night,

and he forgot
to lock up this place.

You know, it's like he wants
us to get robbed

so we'll have to close
it and move back to the Bronx.

You live with
the Denver Broncos?

Hello, Mork.

Bickley.

Bick, my main grump,
what's happening?

Hey, Mr. Bickley,
what'll it be today?

Uh, I think I'll have
the fried chicken

and a bowl of chili, all to go.

MORK:
I'll get it.

Chirp and a burp.
Hotshot. Fire one.

Oh, thanks, Bickley,
for inviting me out to lunch.

Yeah, I'm a prince.

It seems like
that waitress knows you.

Jeanie? She should.

I've brought a new
customer in here

every day for lunch
since they opened.

I hate to tell you this,
they're having a terrible fight.

Oh, yeah? Great.
I love floor shows.

I thought it's bad to fight
with someone you care about.

Nah. It's a great way

to keep a relationship
fresh and exciting.

Oh, exciting.

Mindy and I never had a fight.

Really? My wife and I used
to fight like cats and dogs.

She'd throw a plate at me,

and I'd call her mother
filthy names.

And then she'd slam my lips
in a drawer.

Boy, those were the days.

Uh, okay, number three here,

and a… chirp and burp.

( CHUCKLES )

Bick, you think Mindy
and I can keep

our relationship exciting
like you and your wife?

Sure. The best thing
two young kids could do

is have a real rousing,
knock-down, drag-out fight.

Since you live upstairs from me,

make it a quiet one.

Were to.

I was not the last one
out last night. You were.

I was not.

( IN UNISON ) You were.

REMO:
You were.

Remember you left one of your
stupid medical books

- in the kitchen.
- You came back to get it.

What do you mean
my medical books are stupid?

You should talk with all the
dumb muscle magazines you read.

What dumb muscle magazines?

Those are physical
fitness manuals.

Muscle, muscle, muscle.

Don't push me.
'Cause I'll do what you hate.

Oh, Remo, go flex yourself.

Okay, that's it.

Fingernails on the blackboard.

( SCREECHING )

Ah. Remo.

I don't know why I'm sending
you through medical school.

I mean, how are you
gonna look at a lung

if you can't look
at a blackboard?

Lungs don't squeak.

Ow.

What happened?

Oh, I cut my finger
on that dumb cheese grater.

Oh, come on, you big baby.
It's just a scratch.

What do you mean, a scratch?
That's a gash.

Gashes almost always bleed.

Well, give it a minute.

Remo, look.

Sit down here.

You know, you gotta be
more careful with that thing.

Yeah, I know.
I just get in a hurry sometimes.

Why, well, take it easy.

Look, you sit here,

have a soda, and I'll finish up
with this stuff, okay?

Hey, come here.

Thanks, short stuff.

- Anytime.
- Ow.

You starin' at me?

Yup. Yuh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You got some sort
of problem, buddy?

Yes.

What's your name?

Mork.

Run that by me one more time.

( DEEP VOICE )
I said Mork, already.

Mork Allreddi? You Italian?

Astral hatchling.

New York, the east side.

New Ork, dark side.

Hey. How are ya?

- Nanu.
- Yeah, na…

Yeah, nanu?

Well, it's nice to know ya.

It's nice to be known.

Could I ask you
something personal?

How personal is it?

It's about your sister.

Forget it, she's a med student.

She'd only be interested
in your pancreas.

What I'd like to know is,

you two were fighting hard,
then you stopped. Why?

Oh, I cut my finger,
and she's a sucker for blood.

Oh, vampire, eh?

Not your type, O. Ar, ar.

Will you keep on fighting?

Well, we're gonna have fights.

But it's a way to get rid
of pent-up frustrations.

Oh, so these fights
can be valuable?

Sure. You argue, and then you
kiss and you make up.

Whoa-oa-oa.

That sounds great.

Who knows?
If you have a real big fight…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Ah. Mork.

You scared me to death.

Well, I'm glad you're home.
Dinner's almost ready.

Why don't you sit down,
and I'll set it up.

There's a little extra
spaghetti sauce on the table

if you want some more.

And let's get the garlic rolls,

and we'll be all set.

You expect me to eat this slop?

What is going on?

You talk about more
of the same. Déjà slop.

What are you doing?

I'm putting your buns in orbit,
that's what I'm doing.

What is wrong with you?

I'm tired of eating food that
the airlines would turn down.

I've seen cockroaches go,
"no way!"

I thought you liked my cooking.

You had a thought?
Ar, ar, ar, ar.

Didn't think there was anything
under that barbie-doll hairdo.

Whoa, look:
Echo. Echo. Echo.

Why don't you shave it all off
and get yourself a Mohawk?

It would draw attention away
from your nose.

My nose.
What's wrong with my nose?

It's shiksa city.

And your feet. Whoa.

Where do you get your shoes?
Barnum and Bailey? Ah, ah, ah.

And what's that
wonderful fragrance?

Oh, no, Old Spice.

♪ Ship ahoy, ship ahoy ♪

Maybe it's Indian leather.

( INDIAN ACCENT )
We make a fragrance from the cow

that has been dead for four days
and lying in the sun.

Oh, Mindy, don't whimper.

It makes you look like
a Pekingese with asthma.

( PANTING )

It makes your eyes
look even closer together.

( SQUEALS )

Okay, it's your turn.

Oh, Mork.

I just can't believe…

( SOBBING )

Boy, this is gonna be great.

( TRIUMPHANT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Mindy.

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Min.

It was the best fight
I've ever seen.

Was it good for you too?

Come on, now,
it's time to kiss and make up.

Kiss and make up?

I wouldn't kiss you if you
were the only alien on earth.

- I think I am.
- Well, there's your proof.

So, you don't like
my cooking, huh?

Well, if you don't like it,

why don't you get off your face
and cook something for yourself?

Yeah.

You don't know
it's not that easy

to be living with a monster
from outer space.

Most guys just leave the cap
off the toothpaste, right?

You eat it.

Okay, fight's over.
King's X.

Fight's over, my foot.

So, you don't like
my hairstyle, huh?

Well, Mr. Taste,
where'd you get these rags,

a fire sale at Disney World?

She didn't mean it.

Oh, and by the way,
since we're into honesty,

I'd like to inform you
that your normal voice

sounds like Truman Capote
on helium.

( IMITATING MORK )
I'm Mork from Ork. Nanu, nanu.

( NORMAL VOICE )
But you can just call me space turkey.

Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar.

- Ow. Ow.
- See,

I'm… I'm cutting myself.
Look, look, no blood.

There will be.
Blood, blood. Bleed, bleed.

Mork, that's such a shame.

We'll have to have that
taken care of.

I'll call the veterinarian.

Mindy,
I think I've made a mistake.

- You made the mistake?
- I made the mistake.

I should have listened
to my father.

I never should have
let you move in here.

If he told me once,
he told me a million times:

"Mindy,
stick to your own species."

I guess I'll just go up to bed.

Go up to bed, my foot.

There is an egg leaving
in 10 minutes. Be in it.

Mindy.

My lips aren't that long.

Min, Min, Min.

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

REMO:
Hey, we're closed.

You gotta help me, please.

It's a matter of life and death.

Look, was there an accident?
If anyone's hurt,

I hope it's below the knee
'cause that's all I've studied.

There was no accident,
but two people really got hurt.

Look, sit down,
and just tell us what happened.

Please.

Well, you know, um…

I live with a very beautiful,
wonderful girl named Mindy.

- Min… Oh, I know Mindy.
- You must be Mork.

Oh, yeah, um,
and she's fantastic for me,

and we've never
had a fight before.

Today I saw you two
having a fight.

You said after the fight
you kiss and make up.

So I went home and tried it,
but things didn't work out.

So she got mad
and threw me out of the house.

And you can't kiss
through a tiny lock

unless you have
little, little lips.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You mean,

you started a fight,
but you weren't mad at her?

You're supposed to be mad?

Whoa. Oh, no.

It sounded like
a wonderful game.

I think I've ruined
a wonderful thing.

Maybe you can go talk to her,
negotiate.

You'll be Kissinger,
I'll be Sadat, she'll be Begin.

Look, don't worry about it.

Let me go and try
and talk to Mindy,

and see if I can
explain things to her.

And why don't you talk to our
friend here about apologies?

Hey, uh, it occurs to me that we
haven't been formally introdu…

My name is Remo Da Vinci.

Oh, Leonardo's boy.

- Yeah, Leo's my pop.
- Look, um…

Mork…

When you, like,
try and imitate me, you know,

- you gotta understand something.
- Yo, yo, yo.

I'm a complex type of guy.

I operate on a whole bunch
of different levels.

Kind of like a surgeon
in an elevator.

You see, when my sister
and I yell at each other,

we're not really mad.

And sometimes when people fight,
you know, um…

They go too far like you did.

And then there's got to be
an apology, you know.

So we're gonna make one
up for ya.

How do you do that?

There are a couple
of different ways you go

on this apology thing. Um…

Oh, I don't know,
you could, uh…

Oh. You could… you could get her
some flowers, or…

or maybe you could
send her some candy.

- That'd be all right.
- That's no good.

All the stores
are closed by now.

There must be some other way.

Well, the best way is to…

I don't know, just to…

just to get a really
big apology, you know.

You're gonna have to swallow
your pride…

( GULPS )

You take a deep breath…

( INHALES )

And you just say,
"I'm sorry."

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE )
I'm sorry.

Look, just say you're sorry,
like in your normal way.

- Oh.
- Go ahead.

Oh, Mindy, I'm sorry.

I'm snake spit, I'm nothing,
I'm low.

All right, all right.
I forgive you.

- Then we can kiss and make up.
- No, don't kiss me.

( MELODRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

Mindy, I got to apologize,

'cause the fight you had
with Mork was all my fault.

Actually,
it was Remo's and my fault.

Actually,
it was all Remo's fault.

Come on, Jeanie,
how do you figure that?

Remo convinced Mork
that fighting

was the best way
to work out problems.

Mork wasn't even angry.

He wasn't?

You know, all Mork said to me

is that he wanted
to keep things exciting

- between you two.
- That's it.

Mork said that?

That's what he said.

Oh, brother.
I should've known.

I mean, Mork really isn't
capable of losing his temper.

I don't know Mork that well,

but right now,
he's out there somewhere

trying to figure out
how to apologize.

Mindy and I had our first fight.

- Congratulations.
- No, it was horrible.

I did the things like you said.

I called her awful stuff,
she called me terrible stuff,

then she locked me out.

Sounds like a reasonable
first fight to me.

Has a good beat,
easy to yell to.

I give it a 7.

( LAUGHS )

But I need your help, Bick.

You see, y-you know more about
fighting than anyone I know.

How did you and your wife
get to kiss and make up?

We never did.

Is that the way you're
supposed to end an argument?

It is, but ours never ended.

It started
the day we got married,

and went on for 15 solid years
without a letup.

Oh, then what happened?

One day, she threw me
out of the house,

locked the door,
and I never saw her again.

Maybe you could help me
write an apology of some sort.

Apologize? That's the worst
thing you can do.

It's like admitting
you were wrong.

But I was wrong.

Well,
all the more reason to lie.

All right.
Let me write that down.

Look, it depends
on the situation.

Once I missed
our anniversary dinner.

I told my wife I forgot.

But in a really tough spot,

I always rely
on natural disasters.

Disasters.
Late for a meeting,

freak thunderstorm.

Don't wanna go
to your mother-in-law's house,

avalanche.

If that doesn't work, can I get
a card? Maybe that'll help too.

All right, if you think
it'll do you any good.

I think I've got a…

Here. Here's an apology
card for you.

Aw, thanks, Bick.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

I bet I know who that is.

I bet I do too.
Now, Mindy,

you give this guy
a chance to apologize,

'cause it's the only thing
that's gonna make him

feel any better about this.

- 's okay?
- 's okay.

- 's all right?
- 's all right.

- Okay, open the door.
- Jeanie, thanks.

You're welcome.

Mork, Jeanie and I…

( GROANING )

Where am I? Where am I?
What have I done? Who am I?

Mork…
Thank you.

Who are you? Mindy.

That's who you are. Mindy.

And you wouldn't
believe this, Mindy,

I've had amnesia
for the last 24 hours.

And I hope I haven't said
or done anything real stupid.

You've had what?

Oh, no. It's catching.

You poor little thing.

Mork. I don't have amnesia,
and you don't have amnesia.

Well, not now.
It's a miracle.

It's a miracle.

I'm free.
You saved me.

You touched me,
and I'm born again.

I'm not buying it.

You're not buying it?

- No.
- All right, the reason I…

I said all those
awful things was, well…

There was a tidal wave.

It picked me up.
It just grabbed me.

I was in the middle of this
great big wa…

( IMITATING SURFER )
it was really mellow.

'Cause I caught the wave.

There I was about to be tubed,
and I said, "wow. I'm there."

And I'm goin' down the side
of this huge wave,

and I said,
"wow. Denver or bust."

You know?
It's gonna be incredible.

That's amazing, Mork,

because the nearest ocean
is over a thousand miles away.

A thousand miles away.
A long way.

Well, the real reason
I said those things is,

you know, it's a full moon.

Look what happened.
See? Already it's taking effect.

And I-I'm a weremork.

I hate to tell you that, Mindy.

( GROWLING )

I believe this one, Mork.

Tidal waves, full moons,
and you're a weremork.

You believe it?

Then let's kiss and make up.

Mork, come on.

Now, I thought our friendship
was built on honesty.

Don't you feel bad for
making up these stupid stories?

Yeah, I guess I should buy
a house in San Clemente.

Mork, if you're trying
to apologize to me,

why don't you just say
what you feel in your heart?

And if you do,
I just might accept,

and, uh, maybe we can
kiss and make up.

Really?

Because I've got a lot
of ways to apologize.

Here they are. Oh-oh.

What's this?

It's my "bag," you know?

I got you
these chocolate kisses.

Be careful though,
they leave little brown hickeys.

That's all right, Mork.
I accept your apology.

Wait, I still have
some more ways to apologize.

Here's a card that Mr. Bickley
wrote me.

( CLEARS THROAT )

"Hearing you were sickly,
sailor, made my timbers shiver.

Hope you're getting over
cirrhosis of the liver."

Mork, that isn't
an apology card.

Well, I saved the best for last.

I really misunderstood
about fighting.

And I didn't know those things
I was saying would be so awful,

and I never meant them.

I'll never, ever say them again
as… as long as I'm here.

Will you forgive me?

I forgive you, Mork.

Now, have we gone through
all the possible apologies?

The four possible ways
to apologize on earth,

but then there are
the 83 Orkan methods.

Mork, I forgive you.

Oh, no. I have to suck my teeth

through 10 choruses
of the Orkan national anthem.

Then I beat myself
with a canary,

then we go to Las Vegas,

I pretend my right arm
is longer than left.

Mork… I forgive you.

Then we have to…
Don't press your luck.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

MORK:
Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Yo, great cosmic pachyderm.

( WHISTLES )

I'm glad you called, Mork.

The committee would like you
to study something on earth

called the "nuclear family."

Sir, are those the ones
who have all the bombs?

No. I'm talking about
a mother, a father,

a sister, and a brother.

Well, sir, I'm halfway there.
I met a sister and a brother,

and they own a food factory
called a "delicatessen."

What do they manufacture?

Oh, a wonderful thing
called "sandwiches," sir.

I'm sending you today's special
in the express egg.

It's a pastrami on rye
with mayo.

- Thank you, Mork.
- Sir.

Now, what happened
with this family you met?

Well, sir, I understand
why you call them nuclear,

because as soon as I met them,
they blew up.

It must have been
exceedingly messy.

Oh, it was, sir.
It caused a chain reaction,

then Mindy and I had a fight.

Did you explode?

No, sir,
the both of us got hurt.

See, what happened is, sir,
I pretended to be mad,

but then she really got mad.

Did she knock the stuffing
out of you?

No, sir, you see it wasn't
a physical fight.

Here on earth, sometimes people
throw words instead of punches,

and it can be much more painful.

That's why it's easier
for a broken arm to mend

than it is for a broken heart.

This is Mork signing off
until next week, sir.

Nanu, nanu.

( IMITATING DRUM ROLL )

( HUMMING DRUM MARCH )

( MARCH THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )