Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 23 - Looney Tunes and Morkie Melodies - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( KNOCK )

Come on in, Jeanie.

Hi. Hi.

You want something to eat
before we go?

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, you're not gonna
believe this,

but Remo made breakfast
for me in bed this morning.

Mork did that for me once.



It was a real surprise
sliding under the covers

and into a bowl of oatmeal.

Oh, hi. Oh!

( MUMBLES )

What was that?

MINDY ( GASPS ): Oh, no!

JEANIE: Your teeth are gone.

Oh, no, no. This is just paper.

I just wanted to look like
all the other hockey players.

So how'd you enjoy
your first game?

Well, it was kind of strange.

As near as I can figure out,
the object of the game

is to wait until the referee
drops the puck on the ice

and hit the guy next to you.



Then you skate around
for two hours,

trip people till you get
a stick through the skull.

I'd love to stay around here

and swap a lot of jock stories,

but I've got a job interview
to get ready for.

( BOTH CHUCKLE )

Maybe they'll make me
a congressman.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I wonder where Mork is.

He was supposed to meet me here
over a half an hour ago.

Boy, I hope that means
he's found a job.

Oh, what kind of job
is he looking for?

Anything that'll pay him enough
to live on.

He's looking
in the wrong country.

Ta-da!

Presenting the first official
Remo DaVinci wedding cake.

Remo, that's really nice.

It's for the reception
here tomorrow.

Note the unique corkscrew
construction.

"Why?" you may ask.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Voilà!

Do you dig the symbolism?

I'm not quite sure.

Marriage is like a ride
down a wedding cake.

You know, you might be educated.

I'm deep.

Remo, it's just that I think
it's a little silly

to have a wedding reception
in a delicatessen.

I want people to look upon me

as more than
a tongue-and-tuna man.

This is our chance
to be a class operation.

I never heard that one
on Fantasy Island.

Come on and I'll help you
decorate

the Betty Crocker Speedway.

How would you like
you tongue depressed?

How would you like
a knackwurst up your nose?

MINDY: Mork, what happened?

Mindy, you don't want
to talk to me.

I'm spider spit.

Oh, I'm… I'm not fit
to oil your Olay.

You didn't get the job.

No, it was worse. I got it.

But then I… Then I lost it
because of my suspenders.

What are you talking about?

There were 32 little
homicidal midgets

masquerading as children.

They bit me in places
I can't even reach.

Well, where did you get
all the green paint?

Never play leapfrog with a child
who's into realism.

What does this all have to do
with your suspenders?

Well, I left them wrapped
around his little head.

As I left, I saw him going:

( IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
"Help me! Help me!"

Well, I'm sorry
you had such a rough day.

Mindy, what's the matter
with me? I…

There's gotta be something
I can do.

There's gotta be a job.

I know it. Dressed like this,
I could be a punk comedian.

Knock-knock. Who's there?

Who cares? Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Mork.

Don't give up. I know there's
a job out there somewhere.

There's got to be.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Excuse me.
Uh, is Mr. DaVinci here?

Oh, yes, he is, Father.
He's in the back.

Thank you.

Why do you call him "Father"?

Well, because everyone
calls him Father.

Boy, he must be a real busy guy.

No.

No, Mork. He's with the Church.

You know, as a priest.

Uh, his job is to help people.

Oh, maybe he can get me
some paint remover.

Don't worry about a thing,
Father.

I'm gonna provide the best
possible wedding reception

for the future Winslows.

Well, I just want to make sure

they don't start their marriage
off on the wrong foot.

Just leave everything
to Mr. Remo of Boulder.

I'm gonna create
the perfect nuptial atmosphere.

- See these salamis back here?
- PRIEST: Mm-hm.

I'm gonna hang bells on them.

And I'm gonna have
this big Cupid

come down from the ceiling.

Fully dressed, Father.
Fully dressed.

Oh, yes, uh,

well, you better do your best.

Don't force me to make
any threatening prayers.

Got you, Padre. Got you.

Excuse me, everyone. Father?

Ah, how do you do?
I'm Father Denny.

I'm Mork, the screwup.

Is it true that you help people?

Well, I try to help people.
Why, do you have a problem?

Um, excuse me, Father,
but Mork's depressed

because he can't hold a job.

And he feels like a loser.

Oh, well, how do you think
I felt

when TIME magazine announced
that, uh, God was dead?

Of course, it just turned out
to be a rumor after all.

Well, is there any way
you can help me, Father?

Well, I could give you
a bit of advice.

When you're standing there
at home plate,

it doesn't matter whether
you're a slugger or a bunter.

You've got to lean
into the ball.

Thanks, Father.
That kind of helps.

That's from my sermon
to the newlyweds.

Uh, now, uh, do you really want
to work?

Oh, yes, sir. I don't want to be
a hickey on the neck of life.

That's very poetic, Mork.

Uh…

Remo. Yes, Father?

Why don't you give
this boy a job?

( LAUGHING ): You mean Mork?

Look, I love him, Father.
I… I really love him,

but, um, the last time
I asked him to help me,

he used the exhaust fan
to slice bologna.

I had sandwiches
three blocks away.

Well, uh, could you just, uh,

give him something to do
for the reception?

You'd be helping him a lot.

I think I remember hearing
that God helps those

who help themselves.

Well, maybe you also heard
that he can be a little rough

on those that don't help others.

You get my drift?

Oh, I get it.

He's gonna make me an offer
I can't refuse.

( LAUGHS ): Right.

Knife. Knife.

Fork. Fork.

Mayo. Mayo.

Mork?

Hold the mayo.

Did you take out the garbage
like I asked you?

No, the roaches
aren't finished with it yet.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm classing the joint up

so that Father Denny
doesn't put a curse on me.

Oh, he's into voodoo.
I know about that.

( CHANTS )

( IN HIGH VOICE ):
The drums, they make me sweat.

( IN NORMAL VOICE ):
Shut up and drink your quinine.

( LAUGHS )

Oh, how you doing, fellas?

REMO: Hi, Father.

Oh, I really like
what you've done with the place.

Really, Father?

No, not really.

Actually, a priest
has to kind of fib

every now and then too.

Don't worry, Father.
Everything's gonna be all right

because I'm in charge
of les décorations.

- Well, what do you have in mind?
- Let me show you.

It's my amazing, new creation.

It's a centerpiece, carved
completely out of chopped liver,

of the bride and groom.

Do you like
where I put the pickle?

Nobody's ever asked me
that question before.

Laurie, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be married
in two hours.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

This is amazing.
I can see her clear as day.

What do you mean?
You can't see the bride

before she's married.

Father, I'm getting cold feet.

Well, you can use my socks
if you want.

Father, I don't know if…

If I want to give up my freedom.

Oh, well,
let's sit down over here

and discuss this, all right?

Here. Take a seat.

Now…

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Pace, pace, pace, pace.

Ecap, ecap, ecap, ecap.

Pace, pace, pace…

Hi.

Oh, you're finally home.

Yeah. I'm sorry I'm late.
I wanted to buy a few things

and I lost track of time.

Oh. Did you miss me?

No, but I have some
really exciting news for you.

Oh, great. Tell me your news.

No, you tell me your news first.

I don't have any news.

Why do I have to do everything
around here?

Mork, your news? All right.

I've decided what I want
to do with my life.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Close.

I want to be a priest.

That's ludicrous.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

After seeing
Father Denny yesterday,

I realized what I really want
to do.

Why?

Well, because
I want to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

I don't know. Whatever
Father Denny celebrates.

Mork, Father Denny
didn't say he celebrates.

He said he's celibate.

What's that mean?

It means that he's married
to the Church.

Oh, you're gonna tell me that?

Wow, where's he gonna get a ring
that big, huh?

Mork, you can't be a priest.

Why not, Mindy?
They do what I want to do.

They help people, they solve
problems, they play bingo.

Yeah, but, Mork,
sometimes those problems

are a matter of life and death,

and a priest
can only deal with them

through his faith.

Look, Mork, tomorrow morning,

I'll take you
to the church myself,

and Father Denny
will explain to you

why you can't become a priest.

Oh, Mindy, don't you see all
the advantages of it, though?

You get to wear a black habit.
I can dress up like Johnny Cash.

( IMITATING JOHNNY CASH ):
Hi, I'm Father Mork.

( NORMAL VOICE ):
Besides, I've seen

all the movies about priests.

"Tommy, give me that gun
you meshugenah. Put it down."

And there's… And there's
no such thing as a bad boy.

Only great girls.

And besides, it… It's part
of a worldwide franchise.

Just look for the golden
steeple. Over 8 billion souls.

There's great possibilities.

A little puff of smoke,
and there's no place like Rome,

there's no place like Rome.

There I am on the Vatican.

( IMITATES CROWD CHEERING )

( IMITATING LATIN )

Play ball!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Oh, this place is wonderful.

Real beautiful.

The windows don't match,
but it's still neat.

Oh, don't they know
there's an energy crisis?

They're wasting
precious wax, here.

Whoa, great place for an echo.

Hello!

Excuse me, Father.

You shouldn't be yelling
in church.

Why not? It's a great echo.

Anyway, I have to talk to you,
Father.

Oh, don't call me Father.
Don't be so formal.

Call me Pops.

Okay, Pops, um…

I've got kind of a problem.

Well, tell me your problem.
Perhaps we can solve it.

I've been sitting
over there in that pew, and…

The first thing you have to do
is move to a cleaner seat.

I was kind of thinking
about the things

I've been writing
on the bus-station walls.

Oh, I've seen some of your
stuff. I really enjoy it.

"Gate 13," "Ladies,"

and "The Marines are looking
for a few good men."

I think somebody else
writes that stuff.

The things I write are more
along the lines of, uh…

( WHISPERS )

Oh, there should be flies
buzzing around you.

I know.

What I don't know
is how I can be forgiven.

Well, first of all, you have
to start all over again.

Erase that stuff and put
something people want to read,

like, "Nuclear energy
cures acne,"

or "Frank Sinatra's made
his last comeback."

Yeah, I'll do that right away.

Thank you, Fath… Uh, Pops.

Well, excuse me, son.

Do you know where I can find
Father Denny?

I don't know.
He can't be here all the time.

I think it's his disco night.

I guess I better call him
at home then.

Thank you.

Now, let's see.
Where's the phone?

Oh, excuse me please, Father.

What can I do for you, my son?

Well, you must be
the new priest.

My, aren't you awfully young.

Well, come back in a year,
I'll be a little older.

Ar-ar!

Bless you, Father.

Bless you.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you, Father.
Bless you. Bless you.

MORK: Bless you!

Let's see.

Go to the phone.

No dime.

( MUMBLES )

Thank you.

Now, let's see…

Whoa! You'd think this was
New York.

Somebody ripped off the phone!

MORK:
It's so dark. I can't see…

You did what with whom?

Hey, wait, hold on.
Wait a minute!

I got a story for you.
Wait, come back!

Hey, wait. It's a story.
It's a great joke. Come on…

Hey, I listened to your story.

MORK: Wait.

Must be a full moon.

Here you are.

I… I need a priest
to give the last rites.

Well, this is a democracy.

You always have rights,
as long as you vote.

Wait a minute.
You act like you don't know

what last rites are.

Oh, of course, I do, my son.

Last rites is when you add
the fabric softener.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's the last rinse.

First it was funny newscasters,
now it's funny priests.

Last rites is what a priest says
when someone is dying.

Someone's dying? Yeah. Me.

From what? From suicide.

I'm gonna kill myself.

Why?

I have nothing to live for.

Don't you realize that living
is a precious thing?

It's the meat
in the sandwich of life.

It's my life.
I can have it here or to go.

Well, I guess it's bad taste
to say good luck,

so ciao.

Hey, a-a-aren't you even gonna
try to talk me out of it?

Why? You said it was your life.
I guess all you have to do

is go up to the plate of life
and bunt.

I don't believe this.

- Why?
- Well, I stand here and tell you

I'm gonna kill myself,

and you don't even try
to help me.

You want help? All right. I…

It doesn't sound like
the right thing,

- but I'll give you some help.
- Sit down, my son.

Well, let's see.
You have to kill yourself.

Here's a good way.

Wear a tutu
and go into a leather bar.

Oh, here's another one.
Here's another one.

You try and smoke a real camel.

I knew I should have gone
to St. Paul's.

No, no, here's a really
good one.

You go upstairs and hang
in the big church bell.

I go and play "Jingle Bells."

By the time I get to
"in a one-horse open sleigh,"

you're a dead ringer.

No, wait!

Why don't you try and slip into
a pair of water moccasins?

Let me out of here.

Déjà pew.

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

What are you doing
dressed like that?

Well, I happened to run into
a Jesuit garage sale.

Well, actually, Mindy, I just
want to be dressed correctly

when we go to see Father Denny.

Somehow I don't think
that's appropriate.

Well, you're right.

Basic black is a little plain.
Can I borrow your pearls?

Look, Mork,

I don't mind going to the church
with you this morning,

but I really wish
you'd try and dress

like a normal person
and just try to fit in.

I fit in last night.

What do you mean
you fit in last night?

Oh, dopey me.

You went to St. Peter's
last night like that?

Yes, but it's all right,
though. I…

I helped this man
to commit suicide.

You what?

Well, he… He didn't know
how to do it,

so I gave him 50 ways
to meet his maker.

Oh, no, Mork.

You might have really done it
this time.

Come on. We're gonna go see
Father Denny.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

Ah, good morning, Mindy and…

Father Mork?

Uh, Father Denny,
Mork has a confession to make.

Confession.

Well, uh, would you like to step
into my office?

I was in there last night.

You should know someone
ripped off your phone.

You were here last night?
Were you dressed like that?

Well, that's kind of what
he wants to confess.

Well, um, I want to be a priest.

You want to be a priest?

Do you think you have
a genuine calling?

No, just a black dress.

But I came in here last night
to apply for a job

and I was trying to fill out
the application,

and people started
coming to me for help.

Uh, well, you see, ahem,

I guess, apparently, last night,

someone came in on the verge
of suicide and…

Suicide? What was his name?
What did he look like?

I don't commit to memory people
who are not gonna make it.

Do you realize you could've been
the cause of someone's death

just because you wanted
to play priest?

I wanted to be a priest
just like you.

But I've spent six years
studying to be a priest.

Look, son,

it's no sin to be a nitwit.

But if you're gonna go around
giving out counsel and advice

without the tools
of education and experience,

you could do more harm
than good.

All right, you've done something
unforgivable.

There's no excuse.

I want you to get in there

and take that cassock off
right now.

With all these buttons
in the dark?

Go!

Well, hasn't the Church
ever heard of a zipper?

Oh!

I'm really sorry about this,
Father Denny.

It's just that Mork
is so impressionable,

and he really did
want to be a priest.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the young priest

who was on duty here last night.

Uh, he's, uh, no longer
with St. Peter's.

Uh, yeah, he was only
a temporary.

They have temporary priests?

Sure, they're kind
of like Kelly Girls,

only they carry rosary beads
instead of little white gloves.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, I… I wish he were here,

because I wanted to thank him
for saving my life.

He saved your life? Yeah.

I came in here last night
all ready to commit suicide.

I never expected a priest

to give me advice
on how to kill myself.

It was the one thing
I wasn't prepared for.

Well, how do you feel
about suicide now?

Oh, suicide's no answer.

And he made me realize
just how foolish I was being.

No kidding?

If you ever see him again,

please tell him that he's a…
He's a great priest

and a wonderful judge
of human nature.

All right, Mork.

Now, you tried your best

to throw that man out
at the plate,

but luckily he was able
to slide into home

on his own safely.

It seems that what you said
to that man last night

was exactly what
he needed to hear.

In fact, you actually
saved his life.

I did? Yes.

Now I have just one thing
to say to you.

Well, thank you.

You do it again,

and I'm gonna kick your cassock
from here to kingdom come!

You know,
what I don't understand

is why you did it
in the first place.

Well, I don't seem to be able
to do anything right,

and I… I saw the way
you respected Father Denny.

And I thought
if I became a priest,

you'd respect me too.

Oh, Mork.

I respect you
more than any person I know.

Well, I can't seem to get a job.

I don't even make it
through job interviews.

Oh, Mork. But what you have

is the integrity to be yourself.

I mean, even when it means
you're out of step

with the entire planet.

And I think
that's really special.

Yeah.

At least I've realized now

that I… I don't want
to be a priest.

Good. I'm glad
you finally understand.

I want to become a nun.

MORK: Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

( IN GREGORIAN CHANT ):
♪ Mork calling Orson ♪

♪ Come in, Orson ♪

♪ Mork calling Orson ♪

♪ Come in, he who is fatter
Than all before him ♪

ORSON: What now, my Mork?

Ah, Orson, it's been
a wonderful week.

I've learned to have faith
in myself.

That's all any person needs,
Mork.

No, sir. Not on Earth, it isn't.

You see, on Earth, they have
the bigger, the jumbo size.

It's called faith in God.

Do all Earthlings
believe in God?

Most of them do, sir, especially
when things get real hairy.

But how can they believe
in something

that science cannot prove?

Oh, that's the amazing part,
sir. Because you see,

that's where something called
"faith" comes in.

You see,
many people believe in God

even though they don't see him,
and they're called religious.

Then there are a few people who
believe and they do see him.

What are they called?

Prophets or meshugenahs.

Strange, these Earthlings.

They need to believe
in something they cannot see.

I know, sir.
But they don't have to see it.

They feel it in their souls.

What's a soul?

I don't know.

No one knows what it is or…
Or where it is.

Let me get this straight:

On Earth, faith is the belief

in something you can't see,

which you feel in a place
you can't feel.

You got it, big boy.

I need a drink.

Oh, come on, Orson.
It's not that hard.

All one has to do
to prove one's faith

is to look up in the sky.

For example,
where do stars come from?

They were created long ago
by natural forces.

How do you know? Were you there?

Of course not.
It's a scientific theory.

You just have to accept it.

On faith.

Well, uh… Uh, kind of. Uh…

What do you believe, Mork?

Well, sir,
I believe that the universe

is one great big ball.

And what created that ball?

I don't know, sir. All I know
is that if God didn't,

at least he lets us play with it

and hopes that we don't fumble.

So until next week,
this is Mork signing off.

Nanu, nanu.

( WHISTLES )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )