Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 20 - Mork's Vacation - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hi, Mork. I'm home.

( SCREAMS )

May I take your coat?

What are you doing in there?

Trying to make your day
a little bit better.

Oh, thank you. Here. Come.

Rest your weary bod.

There we go. Here.

Oh. Ah.



There we go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Whoa! No. Rest yourself there.

It's been a hard day at work,
hasn't it, honey?

There we go.
A little mental massage.

♪ Ooh-ooh, ah-ooh ♪

There we go.

There. You cozy yet?

Yeah. I really appreciate
what you're doing,

but I haven't even been
to work yet.

I brought it all
home with me. See?

Oh. Then the Algerian
mud rub is out.

( CHUCKLES )

I guess so.



Mind. What?

How come you haven't told me

what you're doing
at the newspaper yet?

Because I'm not
supposed to tell anybody.

All right.

But you gotta promise
not to tell anybody else.

My lips are stapled.

Okay.

See, I'm working at
the Boulder Journal

for a couple of weeks.

They hired me to answer the mail

that comes in to their
Lonelyhearts column.

What's a "Lonelyhearts" column?

Oh, I know,
spare parts for donors.

No.

Lonelyhearts column,
it's for people who write in

and ask for personal advice.

Oh, but why would they write in
to a total stranger?

I guess sometimes
it's easier to, uh,

bare your soul
to someone you don't know.

To tell you the truth,
I'm kinda nervous about this

'cause I've never done anything
like this before.

Oh, Mind, you're good
at giving advice,

like that time you told me

not to eat soup
with the thin end of the spoon.

Yeah. Well,
my Journalism professor

recommended me for the job.

And nobody is supposed
to know I'm doing this.

See, the regular
Miss Lonelyhearts

is in Reno getting his divorce.

Are the letters in there?

Can I read them, please?

I mean, I am
a super-intelligent alien

with highly attuned powers
of sensitivity.

Please, give me a chance.

Eeh. I can tell you what
that one's about already too.

Okay. How would a highly
evolved being answer this one?

All right. Let's see.

"Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

"I found a pair of pantyhose
in my husband's pocket.

Should I be worried?"

Don't panic.
They may not be his.

I'm a whiz. I'm right there.

Next.

Oh. Mork, listen to this one.

All right.

"Dear Miss Lonelyheart,

"I've only lived
in Boulder a few months

"but they've been
very lonely months.

Somehow, men just
don't notice me."

Poor guy.

( CLEARS THROAT )

"I'm not looking
for anyone that unusual,"

"just a nice guy
who's sensitive,"

likes the same things I like,

"and is genuinely interested
in what I have to say.

"The trouble is
I'm so busy every day,

"going to a school
and working in a deli,

"I hardly have
the opportunity to meet anyone

or maybe I just don't know how.
Please help me."

signed "J. From New York."

This letter's from Jeanie!

She sounds pretty low, Mind.

Oh, she sure does.

Boy, I'd sure like
to see her meet a guy

like the one she described.

Would that make you happy, Mind?

It sure would.

We gotta help her somehow.

First thing I've gotta do

is figure out how
to answer this letter.

What we have to do basically is
work out how she doesn't know

that you and I know
that she knows

that she doesn't know
that we know it.

I wish it were that easy.

WOMAN: Waitress.

Waitress!

Jeanie… Oh!

More coffee?

Sorry. You want a new bag?

Just our checks, please.

Yeah, uh, certainly.

WOMAN: Come on, let's go.

Here's your money.

( COINS CLINK )

Bye.

Hey, Jeanie.

Can I see you for a minute?

You know, for the last
couple of weeks,

you've been walking
around in a daze.

Uh, Remo, I'm a little lonely.

That's it?
How can you be lonely?

You got me,
you got your friends,

you got a television
in your room.

Yeah, well, it's not
that kind of lonely, Remo.

I need a guy
who thinks I'm special.

No problem.

What about Turk
down at the gas station?

Remember he whistled at ya?

He's a great guy.

He once bowled 260.

Thanks, Remo, but a woman
needs more than that.

Look, I'm not… I'm not
looking for Mr. Perfect here.

I just want a guy
who's sensitive,

likes what I like,
cares what I have to say.

There's nobody like that around.

You wanna know something?

I get lonely too.

Boulder's a long way
from New York.

We're a couple of fish
out of pollution.

It's hard to find your way,

but you gotta hang in there.

Someday you're gonna
meet a great guy

who will appreciate you
as much as I do.

I hope you're right.

I know I'm right.

You know, I haven't found
the right girl for me either.

But I figure why not have
fun with the wrong ones

while I'm waiting.

Meanwhile, we have each other.

Hey, listen,

why don't you let me
close up for you tonight?

No. I'll close up. Okay.

You know, I'll see you later on

when I get home from Turk's.

Okay. You sure you don't mind?

No. Sure.

You take it easy, huh?

I'm not going anyplace anyway.

( KNOCKING )

Mork.

Hi. I was just
in here closing up.

I was just out here knocking.

I think I hurt my hands

because I guess
I'm such a sensitive guy.

Uh, you wanna come on in?

Oh, thanks. Can I?

You know, I'm really
fascinated by delicatessens.

I bet you are too, huh?

( GIGGLES )

Uh, Mork, you okay?

Sure. I guess okay
as a sensitive guy can be.

Whoa! You've got a
dirty-dish collection too.

Oh. You collect dirty dishes?

Yeah. For about a week,

and then Mindy
makes me clean it up.

( LAUGHING )

Ah. Can I get you something?

Oh, no thanks.

Then why are you here?

Just to keep you company.

Oh.

What did you say?

"Oh."

Fascinating.

Um, Mork, I don't understand.

The deli's closed.

Well, I… You know,
I was just thinking

how much we two have in common.

You're kidding. Like what?

Well, for one thing,
we both don't eat live game.

Arr! Arr!

And we both love to laugh.

Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar!

Ar, ar, ar, ar!

Isn't that kind of uncanny?

Mork, you seem
sort of different tonight.

I sure do.

Yeah, well, uh…

I gotta finish cleaning up.

Then what are you gonna do?

Uh… walk home.

Maybe I could walk with you,
kind of tag along.

We can do this.

Maybe talk.

We could be
little walkie-talkies.

You know, no one's walked
me home in a real long time.

Well, I'm not worried.

I think you remember
where it is.

Mm! Look! I made the newspaper.

Oh. They printed
my first replies

in the Lonelyhearts column.

Oh, congrats, kudos,
and plaudits.

Thanks.

What did you tell her?

I shall read it to you.

Well, I shall be attentive.

"Dear J. From New York,

"It's not easy
leaving all your friends

"and moving far away from home.

"You feel like an island

in the midst
of a sea of strangers."

Took me half an hour
to come up with that one.

That's a catchy phrase, Mind.

Tennessee Williams, move over.

Here comes Colorado McConnell.

"It's possible that
the person you're looking for

"is somebody you see every day
but are just too busy to notice.

"Look around you.

"If he's there,
try not to be shy.

"Reach out and show him
how you feel.

"He might become
interested in you

if he sees
you're interested in him."

That's wonderful, Mind.

You're gonna make Abby crabby.

( CHUCKLES )

- You think?
- I just hope it helps Jeanie.

I was helping her yesterday.

You were?

Yeah. I went over
to the deli last night

and cheered her up.

You didn't tell her
about the letters, did you?

No, I just walked her home
and gave her a few laughs.

Oh. That's nice.

The worst thing we could do
is embarrass her.

I know.

Why are you building
a tower of Cheerios?

Because it's hard
to stack oatmeal.

Why do I ask?

I have to get to class,

so, uh, I'll see you
a little later.

Oh. If you get hungry,

your peanut butter pagoda's
on the refrigerator.

I'll never remember
what order they were in.

One-oh-four.

( KNOCKING )

( LAUGHS )

I feel like I'm living
on a fault line.

Hi, Mork. Can I come in?

( AS SOUTHERN PREACHER ):
I know you can do it!

Just put one foot forward!

I came by 'cause I wanted
to thank you again

for walking me home last night.

I really did enjoy it.

( NORMAL VOICE ): I had fun too,

especially leapfrogging
over those fire hydrants.

Too bad about that dog, huh?

You know, Mork, um,
ever since I moved here,

I've sort of felt

like an island
in a sea of strangers.

That's a catchy phrase.

I mean, I know what it's like

to be a stranger
in a strange land.

Does Mindy know that you
walked me home last night?

Oh, yeah.
I told her all about it.

Well, how does
she feel about that?

Well, she says if you're happy,
she's happy.

Yeah. Mindy once told me

that you and she
were just good friends.

Is that still the way it is?

Well, yeah, we're buddies.

That's all? That's enough.

Well, there's something

that I forgot
to give you last night.

Why did you do that?

Well, 'cause, uh, I really hope

that maybe we can
keep seeing each other

like we did last night.

You mean we could do
something very special like…

ringing doorbells and hide.

Your answer to my letter
helped me a lot.

When I took the time
to look around me,

I found someone
who was there all along,

but I never realized
how wonderful he is.

He came to my house
the other night for dinner,

and we had a terrific time.

He's so thoughtful.

He brought me this little gift,

which will always
remind me of him.

Before dinner we sat together
for a while and talked.

The night had just begun,
and already we were closer.

Before we knew it,

we found ourselves
holding hands.

Pretty soon
one thing led to another.

When it came time for dinner,

I realized he's one
of the few guys I've met

who tries to be a gentleman.

And in addition to
all his other good qualities,

he really knows
how to make me laugh.

He has everything
I've ever wanted in a guy.

He's so sensitive, gentle,
he wouldn't hurt a fly.

( BUZZING )

( SPLASH )

( INTERMITTENT BUZZING )

( BUZZING )

He's such a good listener.

He really cares
about whatever I have to say.

And, you know, he likes
the same things that I like.

It's almost like
a dream come true.

I just hope it won't be long

before he starts
getting serious.

Thanks again for your kind help.

Gratefully, J. From New York.

She must have found
somebody great!

"I hope it won't be too long

before he starts
getting serious."

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Serious.

If she wants serious,
I'll give her serious.

Hi, Mork.

( AS NIXON ):
Hello, Jean, and I really mean that.

Are you glad to see me?

Indeed, I am, Jean.
Make no mistake about that.

Is everything all right?
You seem sort of strange.

I'm really in one of my
serious moods, Jeanie. See?

Uh, is Mindy home?

No, she's not here right now.

But you can ask anyone:

Mr. Bickley, Exidor…
They know her.

They'll vouch for me.
I am not a liar.

Oh, it was such a hectic day.

I thought it would be fun
just to come over,

and we could sit
and talk for a while.

Well, perhaps I could tell you
one of my favorite jokes.

What's black and white
and red all over?

I know.

You're thinking,
"a penguin with a heat rash."

but no-o-o-o, no-o-o-o,
it's not that.

It's not a nun
with a sunburn, either.

Now, come here.

I'll tell you the secret.

( GASPS )

Did you hear a hum?

( LAUGHING )

We'll have to discuss this
at another time.

You are too much, Mork.

Hi. I'm home.

She's home.

Oh.

Hi, Mindy. Hi.

I've been wanting to tell you

how much fun
I've been having with Mork.

Fun with Mork?

( NORMAL VOICE ): I've been showing
her a good time. Wink, wink.

And I hope it will be
for a lot more days to come.

Oh, Mind, I'm so glad
it's okay with you.

Me too.

Oh.

Do you remember that blue blouse

I borrowed from you last week?

Uh, well, it's in
the bedroom right now.

Could you get it for me please?

Yeah. Sure. Thanks.

Don't tell me
you're the terrific guy

she's been writing me about?!

Yep, it's me.

Don't you realize
what you've done?

But you said it was nice
if I made her happy.

Then when she wanted
to see me again,

I thought that was even nicer.

Oh, Mork. Jeanie wants
more than just a friend.

She wants somebody
she can spend her life with.

You mean like you and I
share our lives?

And then some.

I forgot all about this blouse.

Mork, uh, if you like it,
I could wear it tonight.

Um…

would you like to sit down?

Jeanie, um…

I think we have a problem here.

A big one.

I, uh, don't know
how to tell you this,

but, uh, I think I have to
before it goes too far,

if it hasn't already.

Uh… See…

I'm Miss Lonelyhearts.

( CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY )

What?

Uh, I… I've been
reading your letters,

and I guess so has Mork.

And, uh, see, I was
only trying to help.

Um, I…

I got this job at… Jeanie…

Wait, Jeanie.

Um, I gotta go.

You told me you wanted me
to make her happy.

Yeah, but the trouble is
you made her ecstatic.

Oh, what a tangled web I weave.

I don't understand.

Why'd you have to
write those letters?

Why couldn't you come
talk to me?

I'm your brother.

I didn't wanna dump
my problems on you, Remo.

I'm gonna drown my sorrows
in rocky road.

What good are these
shoulders of steel

if my little sister can't…?

Can't lean on 'em
once in a while?

I made a fool of myself,
didn't I, Remo?

It's not your fault.

How were you supposed to know.

Mork was such a heartbreaker?

I'd have never guessed it.

I'm just so confused.

I don't blame ya.

Mork should have known better.

But whatever happened,
I just can't believe

that Mork or Mindy would
do anything to hurt ya.

You know, if it
had happened to me,

I think I'd look at it
in this way:

Hey, at least I had
a little fun.

I didn't sit at home
with a long face.

I came out of my shell,
and I'm not pregnant.

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Hi, Remo. Hi.

Uh, can we talk to Jeanie?

Hey, guys, I don't think
this is a real good time.

Please. It's important.

Well, okay, but try and make
her feel better, would you?

Hi.

I'll be in my room.

Don't worry about the ironing.

I'll take care of it.

Jeanie, I just wanna say
I'm really sorry,

and it was really dumb of me

to think I could
just step into a job

and become Miss Know-It-All.

I mean, who am I to go
around telling people

what to do with their lives?

I was just trying
to be a friend.

I didn't know you wanted
"and then some."

I'm sorry, Jean.

Wait, guys.

( SIGHS )

You see, ever since I, uh…
I moved to Boulder,

I sort of had a hard time
fitting in.

I never told anybody,

and then finally I wrote
Miss Lonelyhearts.

And she told me
that this wonderful guy

might be right in front of me,

which he was.

And that all I had to do
was to reach out to him,

which I did.

And, guys, I had…
I had so much fun.

But do you know why?

'Cause you both helped
bring out qualities in me

that I forgot I had.

BOTH: We did?

Terrific qualities.

And you made me realize why
I haven't met that right guy.

I haven't been the right girl.

Oh, you always have been to us.

I love you, Mork.

I love you, Mindy.

Thanks to you guys,

I'm starting
to love myself again.

Oh, I'm glad.

Me too.

Me too.

Well, how does it look?

Remo, did you ever
write a letter

to Miss Lonelyhearts
signed "Confused"?

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

( MAKES HORN SOUND )

Hey, move, will ya?!

ORSON:
What did you learn about this week, Mork?

Oh. About shyness,
your thighness.

Why do you toy with me so?

Because you're there, sir.

You see, sir, shyness is
a major problem here on Earth.

It keeps people apart
when they want to be together.

They see someone
they want to know,

but they're afraid
to approach them.

What causes this shyness?

Well, sir, I have a friend
who became shy

when she moved away from home

to a place
where she didn't know anybody.

You did that too, Mork.

I know, sir.

At first it was very hard
to feel at home here.

People were so strange.

They talk in heavy accents.
They drink with their mouths.

They sit on what
we play checkers with.

I finally overcame it because
I was willing to reach out.

What about your friend?

She spent a lot of time
feeling lonely,

then she realized
her best chance of going out

was to be more outgoing.

That reminds me
of an old Orkan saying.

Me too, sir.

"If one stays too long in
his shell, he'll wind up nuts."

On that same note, sir…

Nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )