Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 17 - A Mommy for Mindy - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

I suppose you're wondering

why I called this lunch.

Well, let me guess.

Eh, you're hungry.

Mindy, lunches
aren't for eating.

They're for deducting.

We're here
to discuss my campaign.

Nelson, do you really think



you can get elected
to city council?

Heh, why ask me?
Let's consult the vox populi.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Huh?

Do you know who I am?

No. Who are you?

See, there's a natural
curiosity about me.

( CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING
IN THE DISTANCE)

MORK ( ON BULLHORN): Say it, win
with Flavor. Say it with me now.

Win the Flavor. Yes, we'll hear
from the old man himself.

Win with Flavor.
Say it with me now.

There's a parade for you?

My gosh, it's starting,

Flavormania.



Hey, hey, hey.
What's with all the noise?

What noise?

Will you cut
the tape recorder off?

People are trying to eat. Okay.

( MUSIC STOPS )

( LOUD FEEDBACK )

Excuse me, sir.

It will be okay
as soon as I hose it off.

Uh… I'll get you,
I'll get you a new one.

Make it a cheeseburger.

Give me that.

( HONKING )

A one-man parade.

I think I have a goosebump.

Oh, it's a privilege campaigning
for you, Flavorship.

You know, I've been knocking
on doors, peeking in windows,

kissing mothers, shaking babies.

It's wonderful.

I've been gathering
the grass roots

and distributing them,
and the young people are going,

"Wow, this flavor.
It's really nice."

What did you do with my posters?

Well, the whole posters didn't
fit into my parade concept,

They are little pieces,
I just… Yeheh, heh.

Eh, but don't worry,

they're all numbered here

and here's a part that only
a mother could love.

( CHUCKLES )

NELSON: Oh, what's the use.

No one knows who I am.

Well, look at the bright side,

you can make a total fool
out of yourself,

and no one would care, heh, heh.

I mean, you could go on national
television and go,

"My fellow Americans,

I'd like to show you
the dancing weasel."

( CHUCKLES )

What I need,

are organized groups
of people to support me.

Don't look at me. What can I do?

I knew I could get you
to go there for me tonight.

Go where?

Mindy, tonight I'm supposed
speak at the gathering

of the International Ladies
Garment Workers.

Oh, are you gonna take a peak
at their union label, huh?

Argh.

( CHUCKLES )

I'd do anything to win
those women over…

Even listen to them sing.

But at the same time,

there's a meeting
for the Committee

to Clean Up Boulder.

I think it's some
new conservation group.

I want you to go there
and let them know

that I deeply care about
whatever it is they stand for.

Nelson, I'd love to help you
out, but tonight I've got

a student-teaching seminar,

and it's real important
to me, I've gotta go.

Shame, I can't find
anyone to go tonight.

Whoo.

Whoo.

I think you found a volunteer.

All right. I'll appoint you.

But remember, you're going
as my representative.

So remember, don't do anything
that I wouldn't do.

Would you do this?

Nee-ee, ee, prrrr,

whoo, whoo, na, na, prr.

Ha ha.

No.

Pity.

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

Hi, there, concerned voter.

Put her there.

I don't think I know you.

Oh, of course you do,
I just said,

Hi, there, concerned voter,
put her there.

I represent Nelson Flavor.

It's an honor
I don't take lightly.

Eh…

Are you sure you're
in the right place?

Eh, indeed, I am, sir.

Keep Boulder Clean,
that's our motto.

It's our noble aim,

and Nelson's
one of the cleanest.

People come from miles
around just to sniff him.

He is so clean

that he makes Debby Boone
look like a sweat hog.

Stick with us.

Nice chatting with you.

Hi, there. Oh, oh sorry.

( GIGGLES )

You know, Nelson's for purity.

I think it's an idea
whose time has come.

What do you think?

I like where you're coming from.

I like where you've been.

Heh, aargh.

You're, uh, new here,
aren't you?

You know,

that's an interesting concept.

Let's talk about that.
Let's rap.

Let's share energy.

All right.

Welcome to our meeting.
I'm Jim Blake.

I'm Mork Blank.

I represent Nelson Flavor.

Nelson Fl… Who's he?

He's a concerned politician…

as you can see right here

who thinks that Boulder
should be cleaned up,

whichever which way you want.

Uh, uh, Jim.

( CLEARS THROAT )

Excuse me, fella.

How interesting…

Yeah, what is it?

I don't now about this guy.

Leave him to me, Prescott.

This, eh…

Politician friend of yours…

he got a lot of influence?

Well, he will when he has

more groups like yours
backing him.

Flavor. Good American name.

Tell me,

what does he think
of the race problem?

He believes that he should be

ahead of everybody else.

Well, that's what we
believe, right?

Yes, yes. You see,
we're a white bread group,

and we think
there's too much rye

and pumpernickel in the world.

Then you'll like Nelson.

He's well-bred,
and he's no crumb.

Heh, a-argh.

Ha-hah.

Well, tell me.

When can we meet
this friend of yours?

How soon can you spit?

Say, tomorrow morning
at my place?

Sounds good.

I think our meeting's
about to start now.

If you'd like to, eh,
stick around.

Hey, quick. You pick up quick.

If you'd like to stick around,

we'll give you our
beginning indoctrination.

We were sent to learn.

Oh, come with me.

All right.

Oh, thank you. Oh.

All right, try this on for size.

Oh, dress up. Do you have
a Frankenstein mask?

There are no steins
allowed in here.

It's nice to see young people

dressing up again.

( CHUCKLES )

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

And to think they're all coming

all the way over here
just to meet me.

May I have a tissue?

I haven't been
this deeply touched

since the Walton's
Thanksgiving special.

You know, Mork, you really
haven't told us much

about what went on
at that meeting last night.

What's there to say?

They're a swell bunch of people

who have some ideas
about how to get

the trash out of Boulder.

Well, that's good.

I'm really glad
that you met some new people.

I think I'm a better
person having known them.

Good.

Color me giddy.

It's moments like these

that make the struggle,

the sacrifice,
and the sucking up worthwhile.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Oh, that's my friends.

Oh, quick. Is my smile
on straight?

Pure power.

That's our slogan.

Catchy.

Mindy, Nelson,

I'd like you to meet
my three friends.

Uh…

Mork, didn't you
forget something?

Oh, three friends

I'd like you to meet
Mindy, Nelson.

Hi. I'm Jim Blake.

These are my associates,

Helen Anderson
and Lloyd Prescott.

We're the officers

of the Committee
to Clean Up Boulder.

Proud to know you, sir.

Uh, Miss Anderson,

Prescott.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, why don't you all
come in and sit down

and let me get you some coffee?

- Good idea.
- Heh heh, How do you take it,

Any way but black.

( LAUGHS )

Oh, ho, ho, ho, yes.

( CHUCKLES )

He's a card.

Whole deck, asa matter
of fact, heh, heh.

Well, Mork's been telling us

a lot about you, Flavor.

He says you're a true American.

Mr. Blake,

I believe
that the American people

are crying out for leadership,

and I want to give them
something to cry about.

I like where he's coming from.

Ha, pure power
to you, too, ma'am.

Back at you.

( BLAKE LAUGHS )

PRESCOTT: Hey, talk is cheap.

How do we know you're different

than any other politician?

Well, if I don't know,
how would you?

Nelson's very concerned

with protecting the environment.

So what?

Am I wrong,

or did I just lose
some brownie points?

Don't worry about it.

It's time for the selling
of Flavor.

Friends, are you looking
for that special someone

for your cause?

Well, here he is, Nelson Flavor.

♪ Ne ne ne ne ne ne ♪

( BLOWS )

♪ Ne ne ne ne ne ne ♪

( MAKES EXPLOSION NOISES )

Yes, he's a true
American leader.

Blond-haired, blue-eyed,
a true media honey.

Yes, you've heard the phrase
"Nixon's the one."

Well, he's one, too.

Talk about character?

He sure is. Look at that nose.

Yes, Nelson Flavor,

no artificial ingredients added.

Come on, now.
Check him out today.

Paid for by the friends
of Flavor.

( APPLAUSE )

( CHUCKLING ):
Well, you've certainly got

a staunch supporter
there, Flavor.

Yes, and I think
Nelson and your group

would work real well together.

Well, from what Mork says,

we certainly are
on the same wavelength.

I can't wait till you teach
him what you taught me.

This town really needs
some cleaning up.

I'm your man.

He's okay with me, Jim.

Well, I like where he's
coming from, heh.

Now… exactly
how would you like me

to help you clean up Boulder?

Well, first,

I think we ought to start
with the spics.

( BLOW OUT COFFEE )

The what? Heh.

The taco benders.

BLAKE:
Now, we know, we know there aren't

too many of them
living here right now,

but we want them out.

Boulder's for Americans.

Then I think we got to go after

the nips, gooks,
and bagel breath.

I don't believe this.

Then we can smear
the krauts, Pollacks,

beaners,
and jungle bunnies, heh.

Somehow, I was thinking

more in terms
of better water quality.

I don't know what these
so-called Americans

taught you, Mork, but I think
it's ugly and disgusting.

It just so happens

that Nelson and I are
both part Polish.

( BLOW OUT COFFEE )

Polish, Mind?

That's right.

Our grandmother came all the way
to this country from Warsaw.

Oh, come on. Har-de-har-harski.

( LAUGHS )

Is this true, Flavor?

Not necessarily.

Of course it's true.

Now, I think you all
had better leave.

We'll be glad to leave.

Let's get out of this pigsty.

Oh.

( DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING )

Come on, Mind.

Don't be so rough on my friends.

Well, if they're
your friends, Mork,

why don't you just
leave with them?

Mm, all right.

While I'm out, I'll pick you up

a Polish six-pack… four beers.

Aargh.

Mork's turned into a bigot.

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

And then before I knew it,

I threw him out.

Tsk, doesn't sound like
the Mork that I know.

Oh, Jeanie, Mork
is so impressionable.

And these people really know
how to poison your mind.

I didn't know there were
any hate groups in Boulder.

I didn't either.

Hard to see 'em,
but they're there.

They hide behind the flag. Mm.

Poor Nelson, I wish
you could have seen him.

He was so humiliated
when he found out

he was about to support
that group.

( CHUCKLES )

So…

you're Polish, huh?

Should have known
with a last name

like McConnell.

My grandmother was Polish, Remo.

Why do people
make fun of the Polish?

Probably for the same reason

they make fun
of other ethnic groups.

It's easier to put down
someone who's different

than to try to understand him.

Yeah, but it's sort of a shame.

You got to admit, some of those
Polish jokes are funny.

Like, I heard one
about this priest,

this minister,
and this cabbage smuggler…

Remo.

Uh, come on, Remo.

I think we should
make ourselves scarce.

Dobre, Mind.

I brought you a little gift.

Something special.
It's just for you.

Okay.

A light bulb?

Yeah, I wanna see
how many relatives

it would take
to screw it in, heh.

( CHUCKLES )

Or the one about the Polish man

who locked his keys in his car,

took him two weeks
to get his family out.

( CHUCKLES )

Or… or these two Polish
duck hunters.

One says,"Stach, how come
we're not getting any birds?"

He said, "maybe we're not
throwing the dog high enough."

That's enough.

Oh, all right.
I'll change the subject, Mind.

Well, you know what's wrong
with Ireland geographically?

It's above sea level, heh.

Oh, you know why Greeks
don't have freckles?

'Cause they keep sliding off.

That is enough.

What's wrong, Mind?
I mean, these are funny.

Mindy, are you okay?

No.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, look.

What's goin' on here?

Remo, you know
what my friends say

about Italians
eating Chinese food?

They use wop sticks.

REMO: Hey…

Here's one, Mind.

You know how to save
a darkie from drowning?

No, Mork.

Good.

Mork, shut up.

What's wrong, Mind?

I mean, my friends
laugh at these.

Do you see anyone here laughing?

I almost did at the one
about the dog, because…

Sit down, Mork.

You and I have
to talk, right now.

Mork, do you know
what bigotry is?

Sure. Bigotry,
that's what they have

in Italian forests,
"bigga tree."

( CHUCKLES )

( LAUGHS )

No.

Bigotry is when people
hate other people

just because they're different.

I don't hate anybody, Mind.

My, my friends
just laugh at them

because they say
they're inferior.

Mork, I don't know about
where you came from,

but here on Earth,

we're all supposed
to be created equal.

The only people who are inferior

are those who say
that other people are.

Yeah, but my friends
tell me that…

Your friend could fertilize
Iowa with their mouths.

And they're, they're a bunch
of sick, stupid creeps

who could do a lot of harm.

Mind, they're
just telling jokes, heh.

Mork, they use those jokes
as weapons until they have

enough guts to buy bullets.

I wouldn't be surprised
if 40 years ago in Germany

somebody said, "Did you hear
the one about the two Jews?"

Before long, that's almost
all that we're left.

I guess you're right.

That's not funny.

No.

Well…

there's one thing
that confuses me, though, Mind.

Aren't there any people on Earth

who are lazy, shiftless,

pushy, dumb, and inscrutable?

Well, of course there are,

but, but in every race,
creed, and color.

I mean, aren't there
people like that on Ork?

Not anymore. They sent me here.

You know what?

I didn't mean
to hurt anybody, Mind.

I…I just wanted
to tell a few jokes.

I'm sorry.

Tsk, oh, I know you are, Mork.

Don't you think there are
a few people around here

you should apologize to?

Yeah…

everybody, heh.

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

Thanks for taking me
to the movie, Mind.

I mean, you Polish people
sure are generous.

( CHUCKLES )

Oh, Mork, look.

Everything is ruined.

Maybe we've been robbed, Mind.

No, I don't th…

There's the stereo and the TV.

Oh, look at my dishes.

And my plants.

Oh, no.

They've snuffed fern.

My dad bought me this
when I moved in here.

( SOBBING ): Oh, Mork.

It's all right, Mind.

You can sleep
on your side for a while.

I wonder if they did
anything to the attic.

Let me check.

Oh.

( OMINOUS THEME PLAYING )

Oh, Mork. I'm scared.

MORK: Okay…

It's all right, Mind,
You just stay here.

You lock the door,
and I'll be right back.

Where are you gonna go?

Got a little score
to settle with the friends.

( OMINOUS THEME PLAYING )

You want pure power?

I'll show you pure power.

Oooo.

Eeeeeee.

Eeeee. Ooooo.

Ooooo.

( CHEERFUL THEME PLAYING )

Mmmmmmmm.

Eeeeeee.

Ooo.

Eeeeeee.

Ooo.

Ooo.

Ooo.

Ooo.

Pfffffft.

Oooooo.

Oooooo.

Oooooo.

Oooooo.

Oooooo.

Ooooo.

Eeeeee.

That's what I think
of your little group.

MINDY: Mork.

Mork.

Ah, Mork, what have you done?

Oh, Mork, violence
just leads to more violence.

Yeah…

I think I've done
the wrong thing.

I'm becoming like them.

This is how wars
get started, Mind.

We can't fight hate with hate.

We're just not good at it.

What's the answer?

Oh, I don't know. I wish I did.

I was taught to fight hate

with love and understanding.

That's good odds.
It's two against one.

( SIGHS )

( GASPS )

What the hell are you doing?

Makin' a mess, heh, heh.

Well, we're gonna make a mess

out of you and the Pollack.

Oh, I guess this is
a job for love, Mind.

Oh, hon, would you look at this?

This is so unkempt, ha, ha, ha.

I know, you, you must be tired

after a hard day of hating

various and sundry
ethnic groups,

so why don't you just sit down.

I'll get your pipe,
slippers, and kerosene.

( CHUCKLES )

All right, Prescott.

Let's get him.

Mind, I don't think love worked.

Maybe we better try
a little understanding.

Ooooo.

I feel strange.

Me too.

MINDY: Ah, look, Blake is black.

Oo-oo.

What happened?

Well, I just kind of
reprogrammed their genes.

Mork, are they
gonna stay this way?

Oh, only until they learn
about brotherhood

without the hood.

Goodbye, everybody.

Welcome to America.

( MELLOW THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, nicest person
in the history of the universe.

ORSON: Mork? Sir?

I'm surprised.

You usually greet me
with some slur about my size.

Oh, not anymore,
oh, wonderful being.

I've learned
that slurs can be harmful.

Actually, I've sort of
gotten used to your remarks.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that,
your porky pigness, heh.

I just want to say
that f-f-f-f… forget it.

Your report, Mork.

Yes, sir.

This week, sir,
a group of people

taught me about a new emotion
called hate.

Is hate anything like love?

Well, sir, let's just say

they use the sheets
for different purposes.

Or as one poet says,

"Love builds bridges
between people.

Hate binds them up."

Why does this group
you mentioned teach hate?

Well, sir, there are
certain people here on Earth

who can only feel up
by putting other people down.

For example, when we
call someone ambitious,

they call them pushy.

When we call someone carefree,
they call them lazy bum.

When we call someone different,

they call them hippie freak.

When they call someone
inscrutable,

we say, "What's that?"

It seems to me
that hate affects vision

and distorts what people see.

Oh, it does, sir.

I wish they could make
a contact lens for the mind

so that these people would see
that when you mix

all different varieties
of earthlings together,

you get this incredible
human rainbow

that stems from the same source,

and each person
has his own pot of gold.

Till next week, sir, nanu…

sayonara…

shalom…

dosvedanya…

ciao…

lon sauri, heh.

From all of us here
on this wonderful little planet

saying, heh, "catch you later."

( CHUCKLES )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )