Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 16 - Exidor's Wedding - full transcript

Mork finds Exidor's estranged mother who protests his forthcoming marriage to Ambrosia by chaining herself to Mindy's kitchen counter.

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

I don't think you need
any more than that.

Mindy, I can't thank you
enough for helping me

with all the wedding plans.

I couldn't have done it alone.

Oh, that's all right, Ambrosia.

I mean, I like you, and besides,

anyone who's marrying Exidor

deserves all the help
she can get.

I'm telling you, Freelander,



no matter how fast
you paddle that kayak,

you're never
going to get Steinmatz

up on those skis!

He's so forceful.

That's one of the reasons
I love him.

What are you doing up there?

Skinny-dipping in Mork's lake.

My last swim as a single man.

From now on,
it's the buddy system.

I did it, I did it, I did it.

Oh, no. You did what?

This time I did something right.

I got you a wedding present

that makes me so proud of myself



I could squash a toad.

Ooh, I mean, you'll never guess,
so I'll give you a hint.

What weighs a hundred pounds
and has feathers?

You bought 'em an ostrich.

Oh, no, you see, I didn't
buy them an ostrich.

Besides, where would it
stick its head?

Something you haven't seen since
you grew up in that orphanage.

Exidor, remember this voice?

( WOMAN WHOOPING )

This is your life, Exidor!

Yes, that's right,
it's Princess Lusitania,

your mother!

Exidor!

My son!

Excuse me. I… I'm not Exidor.

It's been a long time.

Natural mistake.

Mom! Is that you?

Cuspidor!

Exidor.

Of course!

I'd know you anywhere.

You have my gums.

Mork, this is the most
wonderful present.

No one ever gave me
a mother-in-law before.

This time,
you really did do good.

Well, beat me with praise.
I can take it.

Mom, I thought you were dead.

I don't think so.

Well, if she is, she leads
a very active afterlife.

But if she's alive,

that means you deserted me.

No, no. You were taken from me.

I sent you out to play.

A half-hour later,
I went to look for you.

Just as my foot
hit the blacktop,

I remembered.

We were traveling
70 miles an hour

on our way to Denver.

I woke up two weeks later,

being nursed back
to health by Indians.

Been with them ever since.

Oh, that's terrible.

But the important thing is…

That's my mom.

She never finished
a bedtime story either.

Earth to Lusitania.

Oh, you're back.

We're engaged, Mom.

We're going to be
married tomorrow.

Oh, I told her about that.

When she heard about it,
she said, "Mork…"

I suppose you two
are really in love.

Very much so.

Your son lit up my life.

That's what I was afraid of.

That's a lovely belt.

I didn't know Houdini
had a fall line.

Thank you, Mork.

Would you help me
with my suitcase?

Fortunately, I came prepared.

MINDY:
What are you going to do with the chain?

What are you doing?

It's just a mother's way
of saying, "He's mine."

I'm not leaving this house
until you agree

to call off the marriage.

I'm just going
into the other room

so you can talk it over.

But Mom, this isn't fair.

After 35 years, you show up,

say, "Hello. How are ya?"

and chain yourself to a post.

Mom!

Mom!

I think it's important
in times like these

we don't forget the old saying,

"It's not the gift,
it's the thought that counts."

Ambrosia, are you sure

you know what you're
getting involved in?

Oh, I know most people
don't understand

my relationship with Exidor,

but it's very simple.

Before I met him,
all the men I went out with

were quiet and
conservative like me.

My world was a succession

of brown suits
and wingtip shoes,

and I said to myself,
"Is that all there is?"

And then I met Exidor.

The last of the swashbucklers.

Now every day is
tubing the bonsai pipeline.

That's understandable.

I know Mindy feels
the same way about me.

He said modestly.

Exidor adds so much color
to my life,

with his invisible friends
and lakes in the attic.

Sometimes I wish
I had those things too.

You're not mad at me
for bringing home his mother.

She can't be all bad.

She had Exidor.

Well, that's very generous of
you. But I still don't want

a woman chained up in my house.

I know how to get her out.

We'll do what
the government always does.

We'll smoke a peace pipe,
sign a treaty, then break it.

Don't worry. Exidor's in there
and he's one silver-tongued

fiancée. He'll have her eating
out of the palm of his hand.

Okay, Mom. I'll see if
I can find you something to eat.

Mork, look what Mom's
been saving for me

all these years.

Oh, look,

little bronze baby hip booties.

Is she leaving?

She's staying?!

Exactly.

Mindy, I know it can be
inconvenient having house guests

but after
we're married tomorrow,

there'll be no reason
for her to stay.

She'll leave on her own.

Oh, she'd leave right away

if we'd promise
to postpone the wedding.

Exidor, you wouldn't.

She just wants a chance

to be the mother
she's never been.

She wants to take me
for little rides

on the tricycle,
and teach me to play catch.

She'll give that up
the first time

she has to change your diapers.

MINDY:
Let me tell you something.

If you call it off this time,

she's going to make you
call it off again the next time.

Oh, please.

I don't need any girlish babble!

What I need
is a voice of reason!

Mork…

Let me tell you something,
if you call it off this time,

she's just gonna make you
call it off the next time.

Now, that makes sense!

If you just go ahead
with everything planned

she'll see that you're calling
her bluff and she'll give in.

Thank you, Mork.

That's exactly
what I'm going to do.

He's so decisive.

But tonight is
my bachelor party here.

What are we going to do
with Mom?

We could hang her out the
window and let her dangle.

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

Grab it and twist it!

Oh, glad you could make it.

Hey, look,

let's get one thing straight.

I'm only doing this for you.

I don't even like that guy
in the dress that much.

I do know this though, somebody
deep-fried that man's brain.

Bachelor parties
in New York are fun.

In Boulder, a bachelor party
is a Rocky Mountain low.

What's the projector for?

Exidor's out
getting some stag movies.

Hey, hey!

Now, there's a touch of class.

I don't understand
what the big deal is.

Who wants to see a movie,
Bambi does Yosemite?

I brought some beer
and, uh, salami over there.

By the way, um, why is that
chain going into the bedroom?

Oh, Lucy's at the other end.

Lucy? A woman?

Of course it's a woman.

We wouldn't chain
a man, would we?

A woman on the end
of a 30-foot chain?

You got it.

What's she look like?

She's got feathers.

That's wonderful!

This is gonna be a great party!

Ding-dong!

Nelson, come in.
Join the festivities.

Hello, fellow Boulderites!

I suppose you've been wondering

how my campaign for city
councilman has been going.

No. No.

Well, I'm here to tell you

that I am hot as a pistol.

I've joined the Moose Lodge
and the Elk's Club.

Then you'll really
like our stag film.

Where's, uh, Mr. Exidor?

I should meet the man,

since I'm officiating
at his wedding.

Showtime!

Would you get out.

I told you you're not
crashing my party.

We're packed in here
as it is. Scram!

Who is that?

The groom.

Oh, my gosh.

I thought the bride

was supposed to wear
the white gown.

Oh, Exidor, I'd like you
to meet Nelson Flavor,

Mindy's cousin.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

( CHAIN RATTLING )

What a baby!

She's rarin' to go!

Ha-hah!

She?

Please, tell me it's a dog.

No, it's a chick!

And she's wearin' feathers!

You guys are sick.

Hey, don't look at us.
It's her chain.

Mork, hit the lights.

The rest of you
just find a place

wherever you can.

Down in front!

How do you like that
for an opening shot?

Leaves a lot to the imagination.

Are my eyes getting worse?

Hold it down, please,
and let the girl act.

What do you think
of the movie, Mork?

Well, it leaves you
wanting more.

If I saw this baby twice,

my boots would be full of sweat.

( CHAIN RATTLING )

REMO:
There's nothing on the screen!

Mork, Mork,

can I talk to you a second?

Is that Lucy?

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Yep, yep, yep.

Mom! Mom!

You can't watch this trash!

Mork, wait till you see

the blond girl play volleyball.

Mork, I can't take
any more of this!

Down in front!

Even if she does
have a bag on her head,

this is a little too rough
for me, okay?

Hey, you know,
you guys from Boulder

showed me
a couple of new twists.

Thanks for coming.

Uh, I enjoy a good laugh
just as much as the next guy,

but chaining and bagging
somebody's mom

isn't my idea of hijinks.

MORK: Down in back!

If you guys weren't
registered voters,

I'd turn the lot of you in.

Drive safely.

Spike it, honey! Spike it!

How was the party?

Well, things really livened up

after we took the bag
off of Lusitania's head.

Sorry I asked.

I enjoyed myself.

I got to know Labrador better.

Exidor, mom. Exidor.

We could have a bachelor
party every night,

if he wasn't getting
married tomorrow.

But he is getting
married tomorrow.

Not necessarily!

The old princess has
an extra card up her sleeve.

Oh, I wondered why she
wasn't playing with a full deck.

I'm going to put myself
into a trance,

and I'm going to stay there

until the marriage is called off

or until I die.

Well, let's look
on the bright side.

I could've found his father too.

JEAN:
Her pupil dilation is normal,

her pulse is normal,

and her posture's pretty good.

So, what does that mean?

When a person
is in a real trance,

their heartbeat slows way down.

I knew it.

Did you hear that, Ambrosia?

Jeanie agrees that
the princess is faking it.

AMBROSIA: ( MONOTONE ) Yahoo.

What are you gonna do with
( CHUCKLES )

during the ceremony?

Well, fortunately,
it isn't here, it's…

Oh, you haven't heard this one.

Okay, are you ready
for this one?

Exidor wanted to have it
in the woods by a lake,

so we're having it in the attic.

Ah, it must be
a lovely world he lives in.

He and Mork are up there
right now

clearing out the underbrush.

When Remo and I come back
for the wedding,

we'll bring
the rest of the food.

Okay.

I think I'll also bring
my snakebite kit.

If you have any trouble
finding us,

make a left at the waterfall.

( CHUCKLES ) Okay.

This is an attic.

A man wouldn't get
married in an attic.

But then, most men wouldn't
chain and bag

their mothers, either.

What's happening to our society?

I don't think you understand.
Exidor's a little eccentric.

He even wrote up
his own nuptials.

I hope it doesn't start,

"There once was a bridegroom
named Exie…"

Smells like tuna fish.

Mork.

I've been pleading with Mom,
but I don't think

she's going to make it
to the wedding.

She just sits there,
staring into space,

sucking the filling
out of a Twinkie.

Don't you worry about that.
This is your day.

Thank you very much, dear.

That's deeply appreciated.

Who is that woman?

How come she gets
invited to my wedding,

and burro is sitting out there
cooling his hooves.

MINDY:
Mork, start the music. She's ready.

( "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS )

( CLEARS THROAT )

"Dearly beloved,"

"we are gathered here today"

"in this beautiful forest…"

"on the shore
of this silvery lake…"

Is anybody buying this?

( CHAINS RATTLING )

Stop!

( GASPING )

I can't go on!

That's my mother down there!

I… Oh!

Ambrosia…

could we just postpone
the wedding for a month?

Please, doe eyes?

Oh, Exidor, I don't want
to tell you what to do.

I just want to know
where I stand.

I love you,
and you said you loved me.

That was nice.

Now, I know you
also love your mother,

but there comes a time when
a son has to cut the cord,

even if he needs
a hacksaw to do it.

But it's your decision.

I just wish you'd make it soon

because I think
I'm going to cry.

Oh, her little doe eyes
are leaking.

( CHAINS RATTLING )

I've had enough of this!

A wedding should be
a happy occasion.

Listen, she's my gift, I take
responsibility for this.

Mork, what are you going to do?

We've talked until we're blue
in the face. Including you.

I mean, her mind is made up.
She's not gonna change it.

Mindy, you don't understand,
I have a superior mind

and PHD in gestalt car wash.

Now, I know what she needs.

She needs a good old-fashioned
dose of honest cruelty.

Princess Lusitania,
there's some things

we have to get straight.

( IMITATING NATIVE AMERICAN ):
Time now for a powwow, huh?

( NORMAL VOICE ):
Uh, you say you love Exidor.

Well, he's upstairs
about to have

one of the happiest
moments of his life,

and you're down here
making him miserable.

Now, why don't you go upstairs
and join the wedding?

Listen, they're gonna
get married with or without you.

Now, Princess Lusitania, now…

"Princess Lusitania," that's
not even your real name.

I found out your maiden name was.

"Bloomasnitzpistle."

Now, come on! Drop the act!

Oh, no, you don't have
to drop it that much.

Hey, hey, you're molting.

Oh, hey, come on, now.

I don't want to see you cry.

( AS AL JOLSON ): ♪ Mammy ♪

Oh, I'm sorry. That's the
wrong song to use right now.

It's not fair, Mork.

I'm 60 years old,

and I never really had a son.

I don't even have any memories.

Well, I know it's not fair,

but you're gonna lose

a very special memory right now.

I mean, I know… I know life
can be real cruel sometimes

because you can't
relive the past,

but, hey, you're real lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah, I mean,
you have a chance here

to get two memories
for the price of one.

You're gonna have the memories
of a son and a daughter.

Mork, you don't understand.

35 years of hoping,

and then he rejects me.

I guess mothers always lose,
don't they?

ALL: Well?

Well, I blew it.

ALL: Oh.

She's packing her chains
and heading back to the wigwam.

Would you like to say goodbye?

Yes, I would…

but right now, marrying you

is the most
important thing to me.

Hit the music, Mork!

( "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS )

( CLEARS THROAT )

"Dearly beloved,"

"we are gathered here…"

LUSITANIA: Exidor… Oh.

I was thinking about
what Mork had to say.

He was right, and I was wrong.

I want very much to see
your wedding, Exidor.

But I'll do it and stay
on one condition.

That you'll forgive me
and be my daughter.

Hi, Mom. Welcome to the family.

"Dearly beloved,

"we are gathered here today

"in this beautiful forest,

on the shore
of this silvery lake…"

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Yo, hippo hips!

( IMITATING AN ELEPHANT )

ORSON:
Animal jokes, Mork? Been to the zoo again?

Well, not exactly, sir.

I got Exidor
to the attic on time.

Nothing worse than a man
who's late to his own attic.

Well, he and Ambrosia
finally tied the knot.

Now, it's double or nothing.

Oh, yes. Exidor's wedding.

How does an earthling
go about getting married?

Well, sir,
you give a little blood,

you get a license,
and then you're in business.

Humans need a license
for marriage?

Is that like getting
a driver's license, Mork?

Well, not really, sir.

You see, they make you
take a test to learn to drive,

but the only test of marriage
is the test of time.

In that case,
is it worth the risk?

Well, sir, I think marriage
is an emotional investment,

and in these inflated times,

it's a special bond
between two people

that still yields
the highest dividends.

Till next week, sir. Nanu, nanu.