Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Mork Syndrome - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

This is gonna be fun.

I haven't had home-cooked
Chinese food

since Uncle Chin Ho
came to visit.

I didn't know you had
an Oriental…

You don't?

It's a joke?

Yeah. Ha-ha.

Oh, hi, Mork. You're home early.



Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm back later.

Hello, Min. Hi.

Hello, my little knish.

Well, Min,

wish me bon voyage, bon chance,

et bon appétit.

I'm on my way. I wanna become
a globetrotter.

Oh, you're too short
and too pale.

No, no. No, I wanna become
a world traveler.

I mean, I'm talking jet-setter,
one of the beautiful people.

I'm talking terminal Gucci,
daiquiris at dawn.

Ah.

So that's what all those
brochures are for, huh?



You bet your airfare.

The world's my oyster, I'm gonna
pry that little sucker open,

shell out a few clams,
and go looking for my pearl.

Oh, yeah? And where are you
gonna dig up enough clams

to be able to travel?

I'll write a book entitled,

"How to Make $6 Million
in a Month."

And I'll have to read it
eventually, but…

Oh, listen.
I've also got a plan.

I'll sell spot remover.

Here's how it works.

Here, Spot, come here.

( IMITATES DOG BARKING )

( IMITATES DOG YELPING )

Mork, uh…

Oh, Min, look at the wonderful
places I can go to, though.

Visit Tibet,
and "Dalai" with the Lama.

Visit Moscow and see the future
stars of the New York Ballet.

Visit Encino, home of rayon.

Why the sudden urge to travel?

Well, Min, I'm reading the news,
and you know there's.

♪ Bombing in Bombay, hey
Chaos in Colombia ♪

♪ Terrorism in Tehran ♪

♪ I want to see the world
Or what's left of it ♪

♪ Today ♪

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Mm.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Boy, something smells real good.

When Remo comes, we'll have
an authentic Chinese dinner.

Ah. Uh-uh, no Peking.

Well, Min, I know.

I know you're hungry,
and I want to travel.

Let's combine the two.
Like, we'll go to China.

I know this incredible
kosher delicatessen

in downtown Shanghai.
It's called "Haimy's."

We'll go there
and have moo goo kreplach.

I'm afraid that still takes

a little more money
than you have, Mork.

You're right. I haven't got
enough to make it to the couch.

Well, I do, but I haven't
got enough to get back.

Well, you know,

there are ways of traveling
without spending too much money.

Well, tell us,
Miss Consumer Advocate.

Lay a few on me.

Well, there are clubs
that give you discount rates.

And in some situations, you can
even work off your passage.

Yeah. I'll work my passage
till it falls off.

Oh. I can imagine myself
on a boat right now.

I'll haul some keel.
I'll batten down those hatches.

I'll cheer up the stern,
I'll drink some port

and list to starboard.

Oh, nuts.
I forgot the bamboo chutes.

Okay. Why don't I run down
to the market

and get some for you?

Tell you what. I'll go with you.

I could use a little break
from Morko Polo here.

We'll be back in about
ten minutes, Morko.

Oh. How'd you know I was here?

I didn't. Wow, Noja vu.

Well, we're just gonna run
to the store

so dinner will be ready
in about half an hour.

Remo, don't start without us.

ANNOUNCER ( ON TV ):
And it's the Patriots' ball now.

Johnson handing off…

Yo, Remo.

No time for niceties now.

I got ten bucks
on this football game,

and I can't watch it at home.

Why, is your TV broken?

No, it's got a slight case

of beer bottle
in the picture tube.

Yesterday's game.
I got the guy coming tomorrow

to de-Schlitz it.

You got any beer?

No, I guess you'll just
have to throw some wine.

Remo,

I've got a problem.
I wanna travel.

Yeah, yeah. Go! Go! Go!

That's easy for you to say,
but how do you do it?

How do you do it
without airfare?

Run, you meatball, run!

I don't think so.
I mean, China's a long way.

If the distance doesn't get you,
the tariffs will. The sharks…

Ah, timeout. All right.

Come on, come on, come on!

All right, what I was trying
to ask was

how can you work and travel
at the same time?

Do what I did.
Join the Air Force.

The Air Force?

Yeah, they don't pay you
very much,

but you get to see everywhere.

They pay you?
Oh, that's wonderful.

I gotta talk to them
and join that club.

Yeah, you join up,
the next thing you know,

you're in the wild blue yonder.

If they send you to L.A.,
you're in the wild brown yonder.

Touchdown! Ha-ha-ha!

Yea! Whoa! Yea!

Why are they spanking that guy?

They're not spanking him.
They're pattin' him.

That's congratulations.
You know, man stuff.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

ANNOUNCER:
Snap to the center, here's the snap,

the hold, kick… It's good.

Extra point's good.

The Patriots are killing
the Oilers.

It serves the Oilers right
for charging more than a dollar

for a gallon of gas.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Nah.

Slogan.

Air Force slogan.

"Do it in the clouds."

No.

I've got it!

"May the Air Force be with you."

Eeh-h-h-h. Ugh.

I've got to come up
with a recruiting slogan.

What was your old one?

The brass just didn't like
my old one.

What was it?

"The Air Force isn't so bad."

- Well, you convinced me. I wanna join.
- Yeah?

Yeah, I wanna walk
on the wild side.

I wanna meet places
and go people.

I can see it all now.

Playing tennis in Monaco.
Seeing Princess Grace going:

( WITH HIGH VOICE ):
"Is my sister here?"

I'll goof-off in Guam.
All those things.

You sound like
real officer material.

No, I don't want an office.
I just want an application form.

No, no, no. I'm not a recruiter.

I'm a lieutenant
in public relations.

Are they fun?

Oodles.

This is an Air Force base.

The recruiting office
is in downtown Boulder.

Just bring them
your birth certificate,

driver's license
and your social security card.

Well, the only card I got
was from a guy downtown

that said, "Live Lady
Mud Wrestling. Call Lumpy."

Well, You gotta have
those things,

or they're not gonna let you in.

( SIGHS ): Won't they let me
in just on my personality?

I can do an audition piece
for them.

This is Blanche Dubois from
A Streetcar Named Desire

as Tonto.

( WITH HIGH VOICE ): I've always been
accustomed to the kindness of rangers.

I'm afraid not.

Oh.

You gotta let me in.
I wanna travel.

I wanna join your club. Please.

Sorry. Rules are rules.

I know that.

If you're gonna be snooty,
you won't get any business.

Look, this is my lunch hour.

Why don't you take
a couple of these pamphlets

and read up on the Air Force?

But I'm telling you right now,
they're not gonna let you in

unless you have
the right papers.

Even if I'm a hard worker?

I'm also a nice guy.

That's it!

The Air Force needs
a few nice guys.

( SIGHS )

All I have to do
is convince them

that I'd be a lot of fun
on one of their Air Force trips.

♪ Up in the air Junior bird ♪

Eh.

I don't know.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ha-ha. Heh-heh.

Ow.

I know what I can do.

I'll show them how good I look
in one of their club costumes.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Oh, look. And it comes with
a little disco bag too.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Ooh!

I feel like Frosty the Snowman,
only darker.

You guys want some coffee?

You call that brown stuff
coffee?

You know, that green stuff
we had for lunch today

was worse than the green stuff
we had last week.

Yeah, that's because
last week it was Jell-O.

Today it's meatloaf.

Well, at least we won't
have to worry

about mess hall tonight.

I wonder where they're sending
us. Everything's so hush-hush.

Wherever it is, let's hope
it's close to a McDonalds.

Give me five.

Hi, there, jet-setters.

Attention!

You're right.

No, there's too much tension
as there is already.

Now, come on, let's relax,
let's relax.

Send your shoulders down.
Here we go.

First of all, do a little
of these. Go, "Whoa."

Now let the shoulders go.
Let 'em go, let 'em go. Relax.

Bad energy out! Bad energy out!

There. Now that we're relaxed,
what's happening?

We're being mobilized, sir.

Oh, punctual me.
I'm right on time.

Do you know
where we're going, sir?

I give up. Where?

I think he's been
at peace too long.

Well, I'm tired of being kept
in the dark.

- They never tell you anything.
- I hate that.

You know what I hate?
I hate it when you always get

that little piece of popcorn…
You eat it,

and it gets way in the back…
You eat it and all of a sudden,

your teeth stick together,
and you go "Hi, how are you?"

It gets way back there
and it's kind of like, uh, fur.

( IMITATES GAGGING )

Excuse me, sir,
if you don't mind my saying,

may I suggest a little R and R?

Well, if you insist.

( CHORTLES ): Ar-ar-ar-ar.

Attention!

No, no, no. Relaxation.
Once again, too much tension.

( WITH INDIAN ACCENT ):
Try a little yoga for the mantra.

When you get the mantra…
Lieutenant.

The man said, "ten-hut!"

Okay! I can't hear you!

Okay.

What's this, your idea
of a little joke?

No, my idea of a joke is this:

This chicken walks into a bar,
heh…

What's your name?

Mork from Ork.

Wipe that smile off your face.

I suggest, Lieutenant Fromork,

that you start acting
more in keeping

with the seriousness
of this assignment.

Okay, men.

The truck will be here
in ten minutes.

Then you're all going on
a little trip.

Where to, sir?

You'll find out soon enough.

But I can tell you this much:

For some of us here tonight,
it's gonna be full of hardship,

sacrifice, and great
personal danger.

Not me. I'm gonna sign up
for tennis, golf, and scuba.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( TRANQUIL THEME PLAYING )

♪ La-da-da-da rule
We'll take it ♪

♪ La-da-da-da chance
We'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
Our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

( GROANS )

Hi, Mork, is that you?

Let me check. Yep.

Well, I'm really enjoying
this day off.

I'm finally getting a chance
to do all those things

I never have time to do.

You mean, like cleaning
the pool, waxing the dog,

or washing the limo?

Uh, we can't afford a pool,
a limo, or a dog.

See how inflation's
such a labor-saving device?

Oh, Min, Min, Min, you know…

Oh, no, Min!
Attack of the Jolson people!

No, Mindy!

( AS AL JOLSON ): Oh, Minny!

Oh, Minny, Minny, Minny!

( MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY )

Mork, don't touch me.

It's just a facial,
to make me look better.

Bad news, Min.

I-I think it's kind of
retroactive.

Well, it's supposed to make me
look great.

I don't want you looking great,

I like you looking back
the old self.

Thanks. So where have you been?

I went to join that travel club
Remo told me about.

What travel club?

USAF. USAF?

Yeah, you know. U period,
S period, A period, F period.

USAF.

You joined the United States
Air Force?

- Lieutenant Fromork here.
- Oh, my…

Oh, not officially.

But I just tagged along
on one of their trips.

I can't believe this, Mork.

What do you mean,
you tagged along on a trips?

Well, I'm not supposed
to tell you.

It was all done on the Q-tip.

Mork, it's against the law

to pose as a member
of the military.

You go to jail for that.

Now, where did you go?

They didn't want us to tell.

I can't blame them for trying.

Because it was a crummy place
to vacation.

Will you just tell me
where you went?

Oh, to some nuclear dump

about 30 miles out of town,
as the Geiger counts.

Why would you go there?

They said it was an accident.

But when we got there,
it was kind of boring.

I did see some guys
playing a game.

There were these 40 guys
in lead suits

trying to push this big
cracked barrel with long poles.

I don't think anybody won,

but when they finally got
into this big, lead room,

( CHUCKLING ):
They all ran outside

like they had hornets
in their pants.

A nuclear accident?

Yeah, something like that.
Take care.

Mork?

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Min, it was no big deal, really.

I just stood there
for a couple of hours,

and some people relieved me
from my guard duty.

Then I came home.

How was your day?

I don't know how you can be
so casual about this, Mork.

You must have misunderstood
what was going on.

There are so many safeguards
against radiation leaks.

Min, I mean, it's no big deal.

On Ork, whenever we have
a nuclear accident,

we just use Nuke-Away.

Nuke-Away?

Well, yeah,
it comes in pine scent

or that exciting
new fragrance, fusion.

I mean, it takes the worry
out of being radioactive.

Mork, we don't have anything
like Nuke-Away here on Earth.

Well, then how do you get rid
of telltale nuclear waste?

We don't. Come on, Min,

you can't tell me
people with nuclear power

don't have any way
of disposing of the waste.

Come on. Hey. I mean,
next thing you'll tell me

is you're gonna put it
in cans, right? Ha-ha-ha.

We do.

You do. Yeah, yeah.

You do? Whoa! We gotta get out
of her, Min! Come on.

We gotta take a quick hike.
We'll take the next egg out.

Don't pack. I'll get you clothes
at Frederick's of Venus.

Come on, let's go. Mork.

We can't just leave.
If what you say is true,

there are thousands of people
that can be in danger.

I mean, we gotta tell somebody.

As we fly,
we'll drop pamphlets saying,

"Trespassers beware
or you'll go bald."

Now, let's go. Mork.

I gotta notify the authorities.

There's one minor hang-up
with that, Min. What?

Well, the Air Force
is the authorities.

See, it's kind of like Catch-44.

It's like Catch-22
except twice as bad.

Yeah. Well, we gotta tell
somebody.

I mean. The people have a right
to know things like this.

They just can't get away
with covering this thing up.

Who's covering it up? Nixon's
been gone for a long time.

I don't know.

Probably the company
that owns the dump.

Why would they want
to cover it up?

Well, they usually say
they don't want people to panic.

Oh, I see. "What they don't know
won't hurt them, until it does."

Yeah.

I know. We'll go
to the newspapers.

Except they'd never believe us.

You're a journalism student.
What would you do?

A good investigative reporter
would get all the hard facts.

Well, can't we just get some
soft facts and let 'em petrify?

I know what we'll do, Mork.

We're gonna go back to that dump
and we're gonna get evidence.

We'll take this tape recorder

and we're gonna talk
to the men. Hey.

No chance, Lance. I can go in
as an Air Force lieutenant

and come out
as a radioactive reserve.

It has to be reasonably safe
or they wouldn't let people in.

Yeah, but maybe we're just
laboratory rats in uniform.

Well, I don't know, Mork,

but somebody's gotta
do something.

Goodbye, Mork.

You know, sometimes we have
to think of others

rather than just ourselves.

( AS MINDY ):
Sometimes you have to think of others…

All right, let's see.

Mork. Mankind.

Let's weigh the action.

Mank-i-i-ind.

I gotta get my scales checked.

Min! Mind, I'm coming!
Mind, I'm coming! Mind!

All right, wherever you glow,
I'll glow.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

( DOOR OPENING )

Mork, how did you get
this uniform?

Well, sometimes rank
has privileges,

but I think the supply sergeant
was a little suspicious

when I asked
for a size seven petite.

Hey, it's Lieutenant Fromork.
Good to see you, sir.

We weren't expecting
to be relieved for another hour.

Hey, who's the guy?

Oh, it's just another dog face,
flyboy, junior birdman.

( WITH LOW VOICE ):
Uh, name's, uh, Airman McConnell,

but you guys can call me Howard.

McConnell, what's wrong
with your voice?

Eh, football injury.

Know anything more about what
we're not supposed to know?

Just what we knew before.

Oh, really? I kind of forgot.
I had a football injury too.

Could you kind of tell me again,
word by word?

Ah, you don't wanna hear
about that again.

Hey, Let me tell you
about Angela, huh?

If they hadn't called
this emergency,

I'd be with her right now.

Wait a minute. Who's Angela?

Here she is being crowned
Miss Rocky Mountains.

( WHISTLES )

Whoa. Whoa.

( CHUCKLES ): I can see why.

Yeah, well, I like 'em curvy.

Say, how do you like 'em,
Howard?

Oh, I like 'em intelligent.

Just how serious
was that injury?

Don't worry about McConnell.

He's got everything
that a woman wants.

( CHUCKLES )

Listen, we're gonna
take our leave.

We'll see you later, all right?

See you guys, huh?

Hey, way to go, way to go.

( WITH NORMAL VOICE ):
What is this?

It's man stuff.

Well, I'll let it go this time,

but just remember I am a woman.

Is my mustache on straight?

Is it supposed to go
up and down?

No! Then it's on right.

Mind, at least we passed
the first test.

They believed that you
were a man. Yeah.

See, I told you the mustache
would work better than steroids.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, we wait until somebody
who knows something comes in,

and then we get them to answer
some questions

- into the tape recorder.
- Do you have it in a safe place?

It's in my pocket. Good.

Do you think
we're in any danger here?

I don't know, but if my knees
knock any louder,

I'm gonna look inside
my pants and see who's there.

I'll bet you that's where
they're keeping

- the leaking container.
- ( DOOR OPENING )

The recorder.

Right in my hip pocket.

- Why did you put it back there?
- Shh!

Ten-hut!

At ease, men, I'm just checking
to make sure the area's secure.

( WITH LOW VOICE ):
How's the situation look, sir?

What's your name?

Airman McConnell, sir.

Are you new?

About 23 years old, sir. Ar-ar!

Why don't any of our men defect?

Exactly how bad
was the accident, sir?

Nothing to worry about.

By the way, was your voice
normal when you came here?

Sir, I think we have a right
to know why the Air Force

was called in, don't we, sir?

We were the closest military
unit that was able to respond.

Respond to what, sir?

We were ordered in here
to protect the public.

You see, we store a lot
of radioactive waste here.

Now, most of these containers,

well, they're just perfectly
safe.

However, some of them,
well you…

You might as well
keep 'em in Tupperware.

What are you doing?

I'm right behind you,
sir, all the way.

Just how bad
was the accident, sir?

Well, the problem is,

atomic wastes have
a half-life of 240,000 years.

Now, fortunately, the spill

was confined to a relatively
small area.

We're keeping the canister
in question

in that lead-filled room.

It doesn't look like
anybody's health's

gonna be in jeopardy.

Well, uh, when will we know
for sure, sir?

1996.

Does this kind of thing
happen often, sir?

Old disco injury, sir.

Okay, I'll tell,

but this has got to be kept
in the strictest confidence.

I'm all ears, sir. Go ahead.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Remo, did you read
about this radiation spill?

It was only 30 miles from here.

Who cares?
I've got real problems.

Re… Oh, goodness,
you are right.

That apron just doesn't go
with that tie.

Why don't you just splash
a little more gravy on the tie?

Hey, I got a $30 parking ticket
I gotta beat.

Oh, I get it.
You're gonna plead insanity.

No, I'm gonna try
and impress the judge

with what a nice guy I am.

And I brought him
one of my special sandwiches.

Don't do it, Remo.
He'll give you the chair.

Very funny.

Hi, there, Big Apple-ites.

Mork, Mindy, did you guys
see this incredible story?

No, what is it?

( CLEARS THROAT ):
There was an accident at the nuclear dump,

and the company somehow
forgot to report it.

How'd they find out about it?

Someone sneaked in with
a tape recorder and got proof.

The newspaper got
an anonymous tip.

Who from?

They don't know.

Oh.

Anyhow, because of the exposé,

the government has agreed
to put all that waste

in new containers.

I wonder why they wouldn't
take credit.

They'd be heroes.

Well, there's an old saying.

( AS GANGSTER ):
Those who uncover a coverup

might get covered up themselves.

Or maybe the people that did it

feel that the public's right
to know is more important

than being famous.

I bet there are a lot of people
would like to meet

and thank the people
who got that story.

Aw, shucks, we'd prob…

They'd probably say
it were nothing.

Hey, you two want some lunch?

Yeah, what'll…
What'll you have, Mork?

Why don't you make us
a couple of hero sandwiches.

Big ones.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

ORSON: Hello, Mork. What's new?

Well, no, no, sir,
it's what's nuke.

All right, Mork, what's nuke?

Well, it's short for nuclear.
You see, this week, sir,

I-I had a job guarding a leak
at a nuclear dumping site.

Guarding it from whom, Mork?

Well, the people
who live near the dump.

It was very hush-hush.

Why was that?

Well, governments on Earth
like to play a game.

It's called "I've Got a Secret."

But when it comes time
to tell the truth,

it's "Let's Make a Deal."

Sounds like they don't want
to burden the public

with too much information.

But, Orson, how can you prepare
for the rain

if you don't know
what the weather forecast is?

See, I believe people
have the right

to know everything that
might affect their well-being.

Maybe there's a good reason,
Mork.

Isn't there an Earth saying
that "ignorance is bliss"?

Not in this case, sir.

You see, it's a good thing
to conserve energy,

but it's a bad thing
to keep people in the dark.

I have some specific information
I'd like to relate…

Oh.

Until next week,

nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT ACTION THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )