Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 13 - Hold That Mork - full transcript

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hey, Nelson,
have you ever thought

of taking a stand on the ERA?

I don't think
I should get involved

with Irish revolutionaries.

That's the IRA.

Don't you guys from Boulder
ever read the newspapers?

Everybody knows ERA
is "earned run average."

You know, maybe you two
should be running mates.



Uh, hello, Nelson. Hi, Min.

Hi.

I suppose you'd like to know

why I'm walking backwards.

No. No, I'm sure
you have your reasons.

I'd like to know.

Well, I… I lost another job,
and I can't face Mind.

Oh, Mork!

I thought things were going
really great at the pet store.

Well, they were,

but I wanted to have
kind of a gestalt pet shop,

so I put all the animals
together.

Well, I guess
that was a mistake, huh?

You can't imagine the sight
of seeing a little chimpanzee



trying to peel a goldfish
like a banana.

Well, I hope you took it
away from the chimp.

I didn't have to. He drowned.

It's dead? No, no.

I gave him
artificial respiration,

and he gave me his phone number.

Now, I've made a new friend
but lost a job.

Well, you can have
a non-paying job right here

helping us come up
with a platform for Nelson.

I don't believe it!

God's been reading my mind!

I don't think so.
They're wearing clothes.

Why don't you go over there
and talk to your friends?

Hello, ladies!

( LAUGHING )

Water's free. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gee, I wonder where all
these beautiful girls came from.

Maybe there's a slow leak
at the Playboy Club.

I didn't know Liberace
had any children.

Actually, we're the Denver
Bronco cheerleaders,

the Pony Express.

Hello. My name is Mork.

Nanu, and what do you do?

We dance at the football games.

Oh, what's the matter?

You can't get into Studio 54?

I saw all of you
on last Sunday's game.

You were great.

Oh, yeah, you were wonderful.

So were the Broncos. They won.

They did?

I didn't notice that,
but you did a good job,

and you were all very good.

Your job is to cheer people up?

Not always.

Today we're here
to do a charity benefit.

You know, I'm pretty good
at cheering people up.

Hey, let's pretend
you're all depressed, okay?

Pretend the Ayatollah Khomeini
has just bought Disneyland.

And Minnie Mouse
has to wear a big veil.

All right. First, I'd like to do
a few impressions for you.

Like to do a few impressions.
Here we go.

My first impression
is a California surfer

watching a total eclipse.

Wow, that's really mellow.

My next impression
is King Kong in Las Vegas.

( GRUNTING )

( HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING )

( IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE )
Put me down, put me down!

My final impression
I think you'll really enjoy

is Truman Capote
as an NFL quarterback.

( AS TRUMAN CAPOTE )
It's gonna be an awfully long day.

That's pretty good.

If you learned
a few dance steps,

you could be a cheerleader.

I think it's a great idea.

Except that all professional
cheerleaders are women.

You know, I don't think
there's any law about that.

Why don't you
fill out an application

at Bronco headquarters?

Whoa! Tell you what.
I think I will.

If things go right
and I get this job,

I promise you,
I'll personally spit shine

each and every one of
those little spangle things.

Excuse me. One question.

How many chandeliers died
to make those costumes?

When you dance, do you
signal low-flying planes?

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( HUMMING )

Oh, a diaper.

Mindy's seeing a younger man.

And he's got a drinking problem.

Sally brought
her baby over yesterday.

You expect me to believe
that ridiculous story?!

Right. I was a fool
to think you'd fall for it.

Right.

Why did you move
my furniture all around?

Kathy and Ann
are coming over to teach me

crowd excitation stimulation.

What?

Cheerleading to the laywoman.

Mork, I really wonder if
you thought this thing through.

Sure I have.

Haven't I?

Well, if you get the job,

understand
the social ramifications.

Well, I know
about ramifications.

That's why Mary
had a little lamb.

No.

See, a lot of people
might make fun of you.

No, they made fun of me
when I was walking backwards

for two miles.

Okay, I just…
You know, I mean,

I'll back you no matter
what you wanna do.

I just don't wanna
see you get hurt.

Men and women should be allowed
to do anything they want.

I mean, look, nowadays,
there's women astronauts

and women lawyers.

Women mothers.

Right, Mork.

Actually, what you're doing
is very courageous,

and it could just help
the women's movement.

Well, all I wanna do, Mindy,
is make Susan B. Anthony

stand up and cheer.

Susan B. Anthony is dead.

No wonder she looks so bad
on that little dollar.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Oh, come on in. It's open.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, no! Exploding habigines!

Get rid of them! Aah, quick!

They didn't explode. Heh-heh.

They were tired. I guess
it was their mating season.

Mork is, uh, rehearsing
for a play that he's in.

It's called The Attack of
the Exploding Habigines.

- Uh, it's by Chekhov.
- ANN: Really?

I'm a literature teacher,
and I've never heard of it.

It's a very loose translation.

You probably know it
as Oklahoma!.

Oh. You're a cheerleader
and a lit teacher, huh?

I'm a lit teacher
and a cheerleader.

And Kathy's a law student.

Really?

I thought jumping
on a football field

was a full-time profession.

Are you kidding?
We only get paid $15 a game.

We just do it
for the fun and excitement.

Anyway, there's a lot more to it

than just jumping up and down.

It includes gymnastics, dance,

and lots of rehearsal.

Sounds like you have to be
an all-around athlete.

Oh, come on, Mind.
If that was true,

they'd roll
right off the field. Ar-ar.

Why don't we get started?

We'll start
with some warm-up exercises.

We've got a week
to teach you the routine.

Oh! I'll get you your
medication. It's okay. Wait.

Let's try
the bike exercise, okay?

All right.

Mork, you're not
riding the bike.

I am. Mine's a moped.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hi there, happy faces.

ALL: Hi, Nelson.

You look happy. You get lucky?

No, I got an idea.

Oh, you came up with a platform?

No, nary a plank.
Who needs a platform

when I'm going to be
on national television?

The Gong Show answered
your letter!

Hardy-har-har.

You know
the Kennedy-Carter debates?

Well, I've volunteered
to debate with them.

Uh, Nelson, you can't debate
with Kennedy and Carter.

You see, they're running
for president

and you're running
for city council.

So what? We all
put our pants on the same way.

If I can humiliate them
on national television,

I'll go down in history books.

You'll go down in comic books.

Mind. Mind, you'll never
guess where I've been.

Uh, to Denver

to file an application
with the Pony Express.

Wow. Another incredible
psychic occurrence.

Well, I filled out
a few applications,

answered a few questions.

That's it? Well, yeah.

The woman said
she'd make me a deal:

If I won't call her,
she won't call me.

Mork, that means they're not
even gonna let you try out.

Let's not jump to conclusions.
Did they say anything else?

Well, she said,
"This is one pony express

that carries no male."

That's sex discrimination.

That's terrible. That's illegal.

That's wonderful.

Don't you see?

Sex discrimination,
that's a great platform.

I could get
media coverage like that.

Who needs Kennedy and Carter
when I've got sex?

Well, how is that
gonna help Mork, Nelson?

Are we not Americans?

( MORK HUMMING "BATTLE HYMN
OF THE REPUBLIC" )

Are we not free to pursue
the job of our choice

regardless of race,
creed, color, or sex?

And if one of my countrymen
wants to shake his pom-pom,

I, Nelson Flavor, will defend
his right to the death.

( IMITATES DRUMS, FIREWORKS )

Sorry, Min.

I don't know why
you want that job.

I mean, a real man
just doesn't do girlie things.

Try and tell that
to Roosevelt Grier

as he needlepoints on your nose.

I will go ahead.
With Mindy's help,

I'm gonna break down

every sexual barrier
that there is.

Me? What can I do?

Well, once I get through this,

I'm gonna make you
the first female quarterback.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Watch how long
the counts will be then.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( ALL CHATTERING )

( DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO )

These are cheerleaders?

Boy, things sure have changed
since I've gone to prep school.

I mean,
how can you be a cheerleader

without a baggy sweater
and knee socks?

I don't know, but that last move
really cheered me up.

Will you guys stop staring?

They're just a bunch of girls.

Does my hair look all right?

Thank you, Kim.
That was excellent.

You're on the team again
this year.

Thanks, Pam.
It's good to be back.

I'd like to see her
in a baggy sweater.

I'd like to see her
in a kangaroo suit.

Wah-ah-ah-ah!

Hi. My name's Peggy Black,

and I'd like
to do a cheer for you.

Give me a B-U-N.

Give me a C-O-S.

What does that spell?

ALL: Buncos?

Uh, thank you, Peggy.
We'll be in touch.

I thought you were very good.

Hi, Mork.

Pam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.

Mork, this is Pam Stockhaus,

the manager of the Pony Express.

Nanu.

I'm Mindy McConnell and this is
my cousin, Nelson Flavor.

The Nelson Flavor who
was on the news last night

and called me a sexist?

Yes. Glad to know you.

The Nelson Flavor
who threatened to take us

to the United Nations

if we didn't
let his man try out?

That's me.

Mr. Flavor, I am not a sexist.

I discriminate against no one

except tall, blond politicians.

Well, that could be
a lot of people.

Look, Pam, I know
you're mad at Nelson,

and you probably should be.

He does get carried away
now and then.

But let's not lose sight
of what's really at stake here.

We're talking
about equal rights.

Mork just wants a chance
to try out for the job.

So I heard on the news.
Every channel.

Well, he's been practicing
really hard with your squad.

I mean, if he's no good, fine,

but he should at least
have the chance to try.

Oh, okay.

It's against my better judgment,

but I suppose
it won't hurt to look.

You're on, Mork.

( ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING )

Thank you.

( GIGGLING )

Thank you. Um…

( FANFARE PLAYING )

Two, four, 6.8.

We'll send your team home
in a crate.

Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two.

That's all, folks. Nanu, nanu.

That was real nice work.
We'll let you know.

Thanks.

Wait a minute. Mork was great.

You should let him know
right now if he's on the team.

Okay. If you wanna…

What we have here

is a flagrant case
of discrimination.

If I may cite the case
of "Tiny" Jane Whitman

v. The Lubbock, Texas
Little League…

If I could just finish.

I was trying to say
yes, you're on the squad.

( ALL CHEERING )

( SHRIEKING )

Mork, your first game
is on Sunday.

Now, you're gonna have to
practice every day.

You've got a lot
of routines to learn.

And remember, Mork,
no special privileges.

Oh, no, he's not looking
for any special privileges.

Well, the problem is, Mindy,
we don't have the facilities

to take care
of a male cheerleader.

You're gonna have to dress in
the locker room with the squad.

I want total equality.
When they jump, I'll jump.

When they change, I'll change.

When they shower, I'll shower.

That isn't equality.
That's ecstasy.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Standby.

You're on. ( CLEARS THROAT )

This is Stu Scully,
in the locker room

of the famed Denver Bronco
cheerleaders, the Pony Express.

With me, Pam Stockhaus,
their manager,

and a few of the girls.

Pam, I understand this is
an important game for you.

Oh, that's right, Stu.

This afternoon,
Denver will get an eyeful

of pro football's
first male cheerleader.

What a cataclysmic event in the
annals of football history.

His name is Mork.

And who would have thought
that one day

we would see a male cheerleader

standing here
in the Pony Express locker room?

But right now
let's have a random sampling.

Hi, Stu Scully.

I wonder if you ladies
would tell me

what it's like
to have a man on the team.

Well, he's got
a great pair of legs.

CHEERLEADER 2:
And he's really become

one of the girls.

STU: Thank you.

Miss Stockhaus,
what is your reaction

to accusations in the press
of sexploitation?

Stu, for the rest of the season,

we plan to keep Mork
barefoot and pregnant.

I wonder if I might have
a word with your new star.

Uh, well, we have
three locker rooms,

and I'm not sure
which one he's in.

Sorry we're late, Pam.

We'll be right back. Okay.

Would say Mork
is just a regular guy?

I'd say… ( WOMAN SCREAMING )

I think we found him.

Hi. Stu Scully,
Denver Action News Team.

I wonder if you'd mind
answering a few questions

for our viewers out there.

Oh, sure. Hi, Mind. Hi, Nelson.

Orson, who knew? Nanu.

Ar-ar. Heh.

All you have to do is relax,
speak your mind.

Well, sure. I've seen a lot
of these on television.

I know how to handle
these interviews.

Mork, how is it
that a man can break

the sexual barriers
of pro cheerleading?

We've got a good ball team
here, Stu. A good ball club.

Right. But, tell me,

do the girls
treat you any differently

than they would, say,
a female member of the team?

We've got a good ball team
here, Stu. A good ball club.

Stu, can you turn that off
for a second?

I-I'm really scared. I mean,

I'm getting little butterflies
in my knees. Know what I mean?

Mork, the girls would like you
to say a little something

- before we go out on the field.
- Come on, girls.

Come on. Come on in.

Now that we're all
gathered together, girls,

I know we're in first place,

but, hey, big deal.

All that means is every other
cheerleading squad in the league

is after our hemlines.

Hatfield.

Hatfield, I know the press
has been rough on you.

They say
you're on your last leap.

But, hey, who believes
the Enquirer anyway?

Come on, now.

Sassoon, Sassoon, Sassoon. Okay.

Keep in mind the phrase

of that famous cheerleader,
Boom Boom I. Rue

when she said:
"Good girls don't get to Paris."

I want you to go out there
and win this one for the zipper!

Now, come on,
everybody get in the middle.

Pitch in!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

( ALL CHEERING )

All right, let's go, let's go!

( MARCHING BAND PLAYING
STEADY BEAT )

Hi, everybody. Nelson Flavor.

Hello. I'm Mork's friend. Hi.

I'm the guy
that brought him here.

I'm Mork's friend. Yes, I am.

Vote for me, Flavor!

Nelson Flavor.

( CROWD CHATTERING )

Sure is a big day, Mindy.

ANNOUNCER:
The Denver Broncos are proud to present

the Pony Express
and its newest member,

pro football's
first male cheerleader, Mork.

Ooh, won't be long now.

And here they are,
the Pony Express.

( MARCHING BAND PLAYING
UPBEAT MUSIC )

( CROWD CHEERING )

Go get 'em, Mork.

That's my boy.

CROWD: Yay, Mork! Yay, Mork!

( CROWD CHEERING )

CROWD ( CHANTING ):
We want Mork!

We want Mork!

We want Mork!

We want Mork!

( CHANTING CONTINUES )

ANNOUNCER: I'm sorry, folks.

It looks as though
Mork has changed his mind.

Mork, where are you going?

Mork? Wait up.

CROWD ( CHANTING ):
We want Mork!

Mork?

Where are you?
The crowd is calling for you.

MORK: I'm in here.

Which one?

MORK:
I don't know. The number's on the outside.

Am I angry?

Sure.

Hey, I realize it's not easy
for a guy to go out

in front of 73,144 people
in a halter.

But you squelched my chance
at greatness.

Nelson, leave him alone.

I'm sure he feels
bad enough already.

Ah, it's probably my fault.

The Democrats have a donkey.

The Republicans
have an elephant.

I had to pick a guy in a skirt.

Where is he anyway?

Try 1045.

( KNOCKING )

Mork, it's me, Mind.

Why don't you come out?

MORK:
Be right down. I'm upstairs.

Mork.

I'd ask you in, Min,
but the place is a mess.

Mork, come out of there.

What happened out there?

I don't know.

Felt all right
when I ran on the field.

All of a sudden, I looked up

and I saw
thousands of orange faces.

Mm.

And then I felt
kind of ridiculous.

Then I guess
I got chicken apples.

I think it's called
stage fright, Mork.

Actually, it's called
Orkan law, Mind.

We're not allowed
to have meetings

of more than six people.

Why not?

Well, the seventh one
gets stage fright.

Well, I'll tell you
something, Mork.

I don't think I would have
had enough nerve

to go out there in front
of all those people.

Really? Mm-mm. I really don't.

But look at it this way.
Even though it didn't work out,

at least you had the nerve
to go out

and try something
you really wanted to do.

A lot of people
never even do that.

So you're not a failure
'cause you ran off the field.

You're a success
because you ran on.

Oh. Thanks, Min.

You made me feel better.

Good. Now, why don't you
change your clothes,

and I'll buy you lunch.

But can we not go out that way?

Oh, yeah. The crowd, right?

No, no. It's a linebacker,
"No Neck" Nedboy.

When I ran out on the field,
he winked at me.

He did? Okay.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( DOOR OPENS, CLOSES )

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Give me an F. Give me an A.

Give me a T. Give me an S.

Give me an O.

What's that spell? ORSON: Mork!

Sir, I was just thinking
about you.

What are you doing?

Well, I was cheering up,
you pom-pomposity.

It's something I learned
on my new job this week.

I joined a squad
of lady cheerleaders.

How did you pass as a woman,
Mork?

Well, I lied
about my height, sir. Ar.

You see, sir, everything here
on Earth is divided by sexes.

There's men's fashions,
women's fashions.

There's boy talk, girl talk.

Stenographers, dictators.

Do Earthlings always separate
the men from the women?

Oh, yes, sir.

They even have
his and her towels.

But the real difficulty comes
when they try and separate

the men's jobs
from the women's jobs.

Why do they do that?

Maybe it's a question
of quality.

Oh, no, sir. I think
it's a question of equality.

You see, when you're dealing
with people,

it's hard to tell
the value of the merchandise

by looking at
the shape of the package.

I can paraphrase that and say,

that sometimes the best man
for a job is a woman.

And in your case, Mork,

the best woman for the job
was you?

Well, sir,
I gave it a shot, but…

You know, sir, after centuries,
these humans have tried so hard

to prove that all men
are created equal.

It's kind of nice to know that
they're still working at it.

( AS WALTER CRONKITE )
And on that positive note,

that's all there is,
there ain't no more.

This is little Mork signing off
from the planet Earth.

Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )