Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 8 - Mork the Gullible - full transcript

Nanu-Nanu.

( LOUD CLANK )

Shazbot!

Mork, where are you?

Are you...?

Oh, hi.

( MUMBLING IN ORKAN )

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Are you just getting up now?

Oh, I've been up
for several hours.



I had to make my report
to Orson.

Huh... all that time, huh?

Well, he put me on hold.

( CHUCKLING ):
Oh.

Then you don't know.

Look, it's snowing outside.

Shazbot! The sky is falling,
the sky is falling!

Mayday! Mayday!

Take evasive action.

You get under there
with the baby.

You don't have
a baby... too bad.

They were going
to scoff at Chicken Little,

but they're not laughing now.

That little sucker's gonna make



a lot of money off this.

I've got to call him,
I've got to call...

Just my luck...
he's unlisted.

Mork, calm down.

It's just snow.

It's perfectly harmless.

It is?
Yeah.

Boy, do I feel like a flake.

( LAUGHING )

Hey, where'd you
learn that story

about "the sky is falling"?

Well, I was baby-sitting
for Eugene, and, uh,

he told me that story
just before I fell asleep.

Oh, well, if you'd
heard that story all the way through,

you would have
understood the point.

See, Chicken Little thought
an acorn dropped on his head,

and because of that he
thought the sky was falling,

and that means
that he was gullible.

That was the point.

Oh, therefore, if I think
the sky is falling,

ipso facto, I am gullible.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Like yesterday, when you
heard that TV commercial

that said to run out
and catch a bus,

and you started building a trap.

Oh.

I would've caught one, too.

I was going to use
a segregated school as bait.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, surprise, surprise!

Don't tell me,
oh, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Cuff links!

Come on.

Come on,
you know what's in there.

You gave me the money
to buy it for you yourself.

Hey, don't rain on my parade.

Let's see, let's see, let's...

Boy, a coat!

Just what I've always wanted.

Oh...

Come on, you should put it on

and get dressed and go out

and observe the snow.

It'll be a whole new experience.

Are you sure those sky flakes
won't bash my brains out?

I promise you it's
perfectly safe.

Come here, I want to
show you something.

Okay.

( CHUCKLING ):
Don't be afraid.

Look.

Whoa. It's cold
and beautiful.

Yeah.

And not housebroken.

Dad, Dad,

he's become
very responsible lately.

Y-Yeah, he was responsible
for that.

He-He was responsible
for that, too, yeah.

Now, that wasn't his fault, Dad.

Well, it was an old cat, anyway.

( POUNDING KNOCK AT DOOR )

Oh, I got to go;
somebody's at the door.

Okay, okay, yeah, I will.

All right, bye-bye.

( POUNDING KNOCK )

( GASPING ):
Mork!

Oh, what happened?

Where have you been?

Dashing through the snow.

Oh...!

Oh, ah, oh...

Oh, come on in;
you're frozen.

Sit down and warm up.

Shazbot, I'm frigid!

( CRUNCHING )

Ow! Ah, uh, oh,
I'm melting!

Mork, what happened
to your new coat?

I gave it away.

What?! You gave away
your brand-new coat?

Well, the man I gave it to
didn't have any, and I have two.

Besides, I had to pay him back.

He gave me a sip
out of his paper bag.

Oh, Mork.

Look, you shouldn't give away
your belongings like that.

Monty Hall does.

Oh...

I saw him give $1,000
to two sweaty avocados.

( LAUGHING SOFTLY )

That's a game show.

Don't you see, that man

took advantage
of your generosity.

Mork, you've got to learn
how to say no.

Do you understand?

No!

Just practising.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll get it.

No! Nein! Mm-mmm!

No way, baby, not me, mm-mmm.

Hiya, mister.

Would you like to
buy some cookies?

No!

How was that?

That was deplorable.

Thank you.

Mork, how could you
slam the door

in that poor little girl's face?

Well, she was selling cookies,
and I didn't want any.

Mork, nobody
wants those cookies.

But you don't,
you don't slam the door

in a little girl's face.
Oh...

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

Okay, buster,

so much for the soft sell.

Look, chump, this is
for charity, you know.

If you don't buy,

some sweet little kid
doesn't go to camp...

namely me.

And we don't make
diddley on these crackers

unless we sell volume.

And we need big bucks.

Am I getting through
to you, Bright Eyes?

I'll take a box.

Not good enough.
Two boxes.

That wouldn't buy
my sweat socks.

Mork, don't get carried away.

I can't; all I've got
is three bucks.

You'll owe me the rest.

Mork, you let that little girl
trick you out of your money.

Uh-uh, not me.

I played a trick on her.

I've got a dollar left.

Shazbot, it's in my new coat.

But seriously,
you know, I met a girl.

Now I'm not going to
say she's incredible,

but, you know, yada-yada.

And that was just her head.

( LAUGHING ):
What are you doing?

My drum shtick.

Well, you can stay here
and play the drum if you want.

I'm gonna beat it. Ha-ha-ha.

Humour.

( IMITATING MORK'S
HONKING BARK )

( SQUEAKING )

I got to go to the bank,

so I'll be back
in five minutes, okay?

Take as long as you want.

You're in good
hands with Orkstate.

Now, that's humour.

( HONKING BARK )

( SQUEAKING )

I'll see you later.

Oh, excuse me.

Mork, help him out.

Excuse me, what're ya...
what the heck you doing?

I'm helping you out.

That's the last time
I ever come in here to get warm.

( SINGING IN ORKAN )

( POLICE WHISTLE BLOWING )

Hold it!

I tell you, you got
the wrong guy.

That's a gross prevarication.

Put your hand through here.

I've apprehended you,

and I shall apprehend
your partner forthwith.

I'm off to pursue
his accomplice.

Keep an eye on this one.

What are you doing?

Keeping my eye on you.

Hey, back off.

I'm in no mood for jokes.

I've had a real crummy day.

Sorry to hear about that.

What happened?

Well, it started off
pretty good.

I escaped from prison.

Everything's been downhill
since then.

Oh, prison... I know about that.

That's where you get free
clothes, free food, no rent.

Sounds better
the way you put it.

I really didn't like
being in there.

Why did you go?

Well, it's a long story.

As a kid, I was a shoplifter.

( WHISTLES )

Boy, you must be strong.

No, it was mostly small stuff.

And then I started
stealing cars,

and they finally caught
me, and here I am.

Boy, I feel really bad.

I never stole a car,
and here I am, too.

Yeah, I, uh, I wanted to get out
one last time

to see my poor sick mother.

You have a mother?

Yeah. Now I guess
I'll never see her again.

Choke. Gasp.
Look of sincere empathy.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Well, you could get me out of
these handcuffs and let me go.

Oh, I'd be glad to.

Every son should see his mother.

Wish I had one, but...

Hey, wait,
doesn't that policeman

want you to stay here?

Oh, I'll be back.

Don't worry about that.

You promise?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

You're sure the policeman
won't mind?

He won't give it
a second thought.

Trust me.

And I'll be back by, say, uh...
2:00 tomorrow.

Kay-o.

( HIGH-PITCHED BEEP )

How did you do that?

It's kind of like a card trick,
but I do it with molecules.

That's incredible.

Never mind, uh,
uh, thanks, buddy.

Uh, see you around.

Say hi to Mom for me.

That reminds me.

I'm a little short on cash.

Could you loan me ten bucks?

Ten dollars...
what do you think, I'm gullible?

( CHUCKLING ):
Here, here's five.

Get out of here!

Mork, Mork, did you hear
what's going on?

A cop is chasing
a couple of escaped criminals.

I know. He brought
one in here

and tried to tie him up
with this metal thing.

Where is he?

I let him go.
You what?

I hate to blow my own horn.

Blow your own horn?!

Well, if you insist.

( IMITATING TRUMPET WITH MUTE )

( IMITATING LOUIS ARMSTRONG ):
Thank you, baby, thank you.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, the doctor
put some drops in my eyes,

and I can't see a thing,

but I'll be back to normal
in a couple of hours.

In the meantime,
do you want to have some fun?

Let's let go of him

and watch him bump
into the wall.

Dad, you're never going to guess
what Mork just did.

Uh, do we have to notify
next of kin?

A policeman
caught an escaped criminal,

and Mork just set him free.

What?

( SHOUTING ):
A policeman caught an escaped criminal,

and Mork just set him free!

Well, why in the world

would you release
an escaped criminal?

Excuse... uh...

( SHOUTING ):
Because he wanted me to!

Stop shouting, stop shouting.

For goodness sakes.

Mork, this is serious.

I don't know why
everybody's so upset.

He said he'd turn
himself in tomorrow.

He lied to you, Mork.

Oh, I don't think so.

He never lied to me before.

Besides, he said he wanted
to get out of prison

to see his sick mother.

And you bought that?

I don't think
he'd sell his mother.

Mork, how could you
believe that?

I sense that you're mad at me.

Yes, you're getting warmer.

Oh, Mork,

I'm not mad at you.

It's, it's just
that you're too trusting.

And that's bad?

It is.

Trust me.

Mork, you see, you let an
escaped prisoner get away.

Why, uh, that's a crime.

His cohort got away,

but I presume one jailbird
in the hand is worth...

Where is he?

Now, where's who?

The prisoner I had handcuffed
right here.

Oh, why, uh, he got away.

Uh, Mork had nothing
to do with it.

And I'm an eyewitness to that.

I can understand what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to
protect me, but I can't let you

take the coat for me.

The rap.

Your planet.

I let your prisoner go.

Young man,
what you did wasn't nice.

You released my suspect.

Boy, am I perturbed.

I should strike you
about the head and shoulders.

What're you going to do?

I'm taking him in
for aiding and abetting

an escaped prisoner.

Oh...

You need these.

Oh, you've been there
before, huh?

Don't worry, Mindy.
It'll be all right.

He'll come back.
I know he will.

Oh, Mork.
He was real happy when he left.

Mork,

the judge'll be ready
for your preliminary hearing

in about a half an hour.

Thanks, Officer Bob.
Sure.

Come on, fellas.

The judge is ready to give
you guys your sentences now.

I have a sentence for you.

Uh, vamonos, meshuggeners.

I hate to tell you guys this,

uh, but you got
the hanging judge,

and he's in a bad mood.

Have a nice day.
Thanks, Mork.

( IMITATING HARMONICA,
PLAYING MOURNFUL TUNE )

Don't push!

We're going, we're going.

Come along, my brothers.

He's a non-believer.

All we can do is forgive him.

You're going to crowd all of us
in this one tiny cell?

Ciao.

Exidor, is that you?

Mork? Is that you?

Where are you?

I'm over here!

Step aside! I can't see!

Ah!

There you are.

Mork, my old friend.

Exidor, why are you in jail?

Religious persecution.

Why are you here?

I set a criminal free.

Why did you do that?
That's against the law.

Well, he said he
had to get out to see his sick mother,

and he promised
he'd be back today.

Excuse me, Mork.

( LAUGHING )

As my dear father would
say, you're a pea brain!

But I know he'll come back.
He promised.

Mork, the man lied to you,

just as those crummy
Venusians lied to me.

I know. You can't trust
a man with four lips.

All you get is double-talk.

They promised me they were

coming down to destroy
the Earth on Labor Day.

They let me down.

Bummer. Sorry to hear that.

It was then I realised
that my faith had been misplaced,

and I began my quest for truth.

I tried Buddhism,
Catholicism, Judaism,

Punch and Judaism...

but nothing worked for me

until... I found...

Him!
Who?

Mork... I worship...

O.J. Simpson!

Isn't he a football player?

A football player?

Mork, he is the football player.

Tell me, did you ever see
the Reverend Ike

streak down the sidelines
untouched?

Did you ever see Billy Graham
snake over from the two?

Did you ever see Oral Roberts

juke a linebacker
out of his socks?

Sure, Moses walked
across the Red Sea,

but could he have done it
on Astroturf?

Mork, I believe in the Juice.

You, too, can be
a born-again Simpson.

Let O.J. show you the way.

Just look at my followers.

Look at the peace and serenity
in their eyes.

There's Isaiah...
Hi.

Merlin...
Howdy.

Too Tall...
Whoa...

Bubba...
My man.

These, Mork, are my conversions.

Conversions... good
for one point.

( HONKING BARK )

You know, Mork,
before I found O.J.,

I couldn't laugh this easily.

He can do the same for you
as he's done for me.

Join us, Mork.
Follow us to the Promised Land.

San Francisco?

Yea, verily, Candlestick Park.

Oh, I see... believe, and
ye shall bear oranges.

Praise Anita!

Yes!

Mork, I want you to renounce
your sins against football.

Exidor, I watched
the World Series.

Oh, blasphemy!

The World Series?
Baseball is pagan.

Do ten Hike Marys.

And I look up to
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Ah, do a hundred push-ups.

And I hate to say this...

I like Howard Cosell.

Let us pray.

Hut, hut, hut!

Amen.

Do you mind not smoking?

This man is having
a religious experience.

Are you feeling it, Mork?

No.

Do you feel it now?

No.

Do you feel it...

now?!

Whoa! Praise football!

♪ Give me that
old-time football ♪

♪ Give me that
old-time football ♪

♪ It's good enough for me. ♪

Sunday in San Francisco.

Some good and
glorious happenings.

Can you hear it now?

Tell me, brother.

Now O.J. takes the ball

on the seven now,
runs it 30 yards,

but, oh, no, clipping
now, clipping now,

can you feel that
clipping now? 15 yards, 15 yards.

O.J. takes the ball
again, and a hole opens up before him now.

He's on the 50 now,
on the 40 now,

on the 30 now, on the 20 now,

on the ten now, and he goes in!

Salvation!

Beg for mercy!

Oh, oh, Mork!

You're a true believer, Mork!

I hate to disappoint
you, Exidor,

but I don't have much
faith in football,

and O.J.'s just a man,

and football's just a game.

Blasphemy!

Mork... you've just fouled out
in the game of life!

May you burn in Buffalo!

Oh, Mork!

Oh, Mork...

Good-bye.

Oh, we tried to bail you out,

but they won't let us
until the preliminary hearing.

Bail me out... why,
am I leaking?

How was your night in jail?

Nobody knows the
trouble I've seen.

Oh, what trouble?

Nobody knows.

Has he showed up yet?

Mork, that guy...
he escaped from prison.

Now, why would he want
to go back?

Because he said
he wanted to see his sick mother.

Oh, his poor sick mother.

When it comes to trust,
he's full of it!

He's crazy, you know.

But don't just take it from us.

Excuse me, I have
to break up a fight.

( BLOWS WHISTLE )

Bubba! Too Tall!
Break it up!

Huddle on the 15!

I'll be all right.

He promised he'd
be back by 2:00.

MINDY:
Well, there's your proof.

It's after 2:30 right now.

It is?
Yeah.

But he promised.
I did him a favour.

Boy, I really Orked
it up this time.

Oh, I guess you've
proven your point.

I should never trust
anyone anymore.

Sorry I'm late...
Mom got thirsty,

so I knocked
over a liquor store.

Just kidding.
A little slammer humour.

Hi, Mork. Mom says "Hi"
and "Thanks".

Oh, you're welcome.

Do I get out now?

No. You still committed
a crime...

but due to the extenuating
circumstances,

I'll have a dialogue
with the adjudicator,

and I think you will be,

as the street people put it,
extricated.

I don't understand.
Why'd you turn yourself in?

I promised him.

Just because I'm a thief
doesn't mean I'm a liar.

I couldn't let him get
in trouble for helpin' me.

He's the only one
that's trusted me...

except Mom, and she
hides her jewellery.

( BLOWS WHISTLE )

You're late for practice,
Whitey.

You know, Dad, maybe
we've become too cynical.

Maybe we get what we expect
out of people.

There's an old Orkan phrase
about that:

"If one cannot trust oneself,
then one cannot trust another."

Oh, that's nice.
I'm not finished.

"And if one cannot trust
another,

"then others cannot trust
another,

"and then others
cannot trust others,

and finally, who can one trust?"

Uh, does everybody on Ork
talk like that?

Well, we don't have sex.
We've got to do something.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

ORSON:
Hello, this is Orson.

You'll have to call back later,

because I'm out of my mind
right now.

If you like, you may leave
a message between the two beeps.

( BEEPS )
Hi, Orson. This is Mork.

I just called to say that...
( BEEPS )

ORSON:
Hello, Mork. Sorry I was busy.

What were you doing?
Taking a meteor shower?

( HONKING BARK )

Mork, will you be serious?

Sorry, O Fattest
of All Living Things.

This week, I learned about
a popular Earth religion.

Believe it or not,
some life-forms here

worship O.J. Simpson.

The Juice?
Yes, and even the Gentiles.

Is that the only
religion on Earth?

No, there's several others,
but the main difference

is that football services
are held on Sunday afternoon

instead of the morning.

Don't Earthlings
need a common belief to unite them?

Oh, they have that.

They all believe
they can't trust one another.

Why do they feel that way?

I guess they're afraid
of being hurt.

Too bad they don't make
football pads for the heart.

This is Mork, signing off
from Boulder, Colorado.

Until next week, Nanu-Nanu.