Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 7 - To Tell the Truth - full transcript

Nanu-Nanu.

( LOUD CLANK )

Shazbot!

( SINGS MUSICAL TONES FROM CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3RD KIND )

( SPEAKING ORKAN )

Return to mother ship. ( BEEPS )

Sanctuary. Thank you.

Ah, shells.

All I hear is sugar.

( SPEAKING ORKAN )

I won't hurt you if you tell me
where the others are hiding.



( SPEAKING ORKAN )

( SQUEALING )

Whoa...

Good morning.
Morning.

How's your Danish?

( WITH ACCENT ):
Yeah, sure, it's coming along fine now...

but right now, it sounds
a lot like Swedish.

I mean the rolls.

Oh.

Whoa, it's late.
I got to get to work.

Why are you wearing
that rubber coat?

Oh, this is a raincoat.

It keeps my clothes dry.

Why not leave your clothes here
and go out naked?



I don't think so.

I never know when I might have
to demonstrate the accordion.

Oh, humour.

( HONKING BARK )

You don't have to worry, though.

It's not going to rain today.

Well, sure it is.
I just heard it on the radio.

Mindy, we Orkans
are very sensitive

to the positive and negative
ion ratio in the air...

( BEEPS )

and the ion ratio today
tells me...

( BEEPS )

sunny and clear.

Are you sure?

The ion ratio...

( BEEPS )

would not lie to you.

Well, it never has before.

Okay, you win.

You mind if I go to the store
with you today?

I'm observing the leader
of the dogs.

What leader of the dogs?

The red leader in front
of the store: the short one

with the four bumps
that hangs around the curb.

Oh... that's a fire hydrant.

That's not the leader
of the dogs.

Then why do they all salute him?

I'll explain it on the way.

Oh.

( JACKHAMMER POUNDING )

Grandma, why are
they tearing up the concrete outside?

( HUMMING )

Grandma.

I'll save her.

They'll never harm you again.

Well, thank you for, uh,
saving my life.

I think I'll need
the earmuffs again

to tune out
that jackhammer concerto outside.

Yes, we noticed the
workmen installing a hole.

How can you miss it?

You have to be a broad jumper
to get into the store.

It's a good thing I'm wearing
my orthopaedic sneakers.

You know, it's freezing in here.

Yeah, it's colder
than a witch-digger's brass monkey.

Is our rotten landlord trying
to break the lease again?

Why? He hasn't even
finished breaking the sidewalk yet.

Hey, Mork, what's happening?

Give me some skin.

Eh...
Nanu-Nanu.

Neva.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

( BOTH BUZZING )

What it is, what it was...

And what it shall be.

Right on.

Hey, where'd the great pile
of dirt come from?

I think it came with the hole.

Okay, Eugene, it's time
for your violin lesson.

But it's too cold
to practice in here.

Honey, the way you play,
you can leave your mittens on

and nobody will know
the difference.

What if my fingers
freeze, and I can't play anymore?

Your parents will send me
a thank you note.

Now quit stalling, Eugene.

Get in there, you jive turkey.

Keep cool, mama...

Keep cool, mama.

Uh, hello there.

Well, Dad, the landlord
is at it again.

Yeah, I know. I just came

through the obstacle course
out front.

There's a ten-foot hole
out there.

I know.
Somebody's going to get killed.

Arnold Wanker doesn't seem
to understand

we have another two years left
on our lease.

FRED:
And you don't seem to understand

that if Arnold Wanker
can kick us out,

he can lease this space to
the restaurant next door

and double the rent.

Shazbot! Electric Danish.

Why are you wearing
your raincoat today?

Oh, it's going to rain.
I heard it on the radio.

It's not going to rain.

Can't you feel the ion ratio?

Now we're cooking. Get down.

Get back up again.

Can't I hear the ion ratio?

Ah... you've
been talking

to Trash Gordon again.

His name is Mork,

and he happens to be
able to understand

a lot of things
we can't even comprehend yet.

Yeah, apparently.

He's dancing
to a sound effects record.

( IMITATING AIRPLANES SOARING )

( IMITATING BOMBS EXPLODING )

Wow, bummer.

Um... excuse me.

Excuse me.

Why is it so cold in here?

Arnold Wanker is trying
to freeze us out.

Now, this has got to be the
dirtiest trick he's ever played.

Uh, no, no, no. The worst thing
he ever did was in sixth grade.

He came
out to the baseball field

and he gave us all the free
lemonade we could drink.

( HONKING BARK )

That's not funny.

Oh.

Then we found out he'd put
a padlock on the only bathroom.

It cost me two weeks' allowance
to buy the key from him.

Now that's funny.

Ah, oh, ah.

Confusion. Heavy sigh.

I better be going.

Charming family you have.

Take care of them.

Well strung.

See you at lunch, Mindy.

Bye. Are you going
to be all right?

Yes. My project for today
is to go to the park

and observe how pigeons train
old people to feed them.

Hello.

Eugene is on automatic pilot.

It was either leave the room
or put on my earmuffs again.

Dad was just telling me
what a rotten kid

Arnold Wanker used to be.

Oh, yes, dreadful.

I baby-sat him when he was five,

and he blackmailed me
for all my baby-sitting money.

Did he catch you necking with
your boyfriend on the couch?

No. That would've only cost me
half the money.

Half the money?

Grandma, what were you doing?

Uh, she was probably supplying
illegal drugs

to Civil War soldiers.

Oh, why don't you go sit
on your Schubert.

Mindy, dear, I think we ought

to lay in a
couple dozen of this disco album.

It's number 18 with a bullet.

Grandma, how come you know
so much about disco?

I know everything. I'm old.

( THUNDER RUMBLES )

( SINGING )

There. That should kill it.

( SINGING IN ORKAN )

Don't look at me like that.

I'll still respect you.

( LIKE PETER LORRE ):
Please, I-I want to be your friend.

I won't hurt you
if you just don't scream.

Do you have any last words?

( SPEAKS GIBBERISH ) Okay.

( SHOUTS )

( BEEPS )

Lunch is hell.

Don't you understand
by your doing this,

a can of soup will live?

( WHISTLING )

Necrotrons! Warning!
Mayday! Mayday!

Red alert! Dive!
In the bunker! In the bunker!

Head 'em up.
We're going to Missouri.

Whoo!

( BEEPS )

Bullets! Total World War!

Warning.

Jive teapot.

You'll never sing again.

( THUNDER CRACKS AND RUMBLES )

I'd like to speak to you
about your "ion ratio."

You fell for it.
( HONKING BARK )

You mean you knew
it was going to rain outside?

Sure. I heard it on the radio.

Then why did you tell me

to go out without my
raincoat and umbrella?

I was splinking.

Why am I afraid to ask?

You see, on Ork,
splinking is telling someone

something that isn't true...
a practical joke.

( BUZZES )

Well, Mork, you might
call it splinking,

but we humans call it lying,

and it isn't
acceptable behaviour.

Now, you have got
to start acting more human.

But I was. I saw
a Laurel and Hardy movie

where Laurel splinked Hardy,
then Hardy went,

"There's another fine mess.
Hmm."

Then he threw a bucket of water
on Hardy.

( HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING )

Laurel and Hardy aren't human.

I mean, they were human, but...

( GROANS )

Just promise me that you won't

do any more splinking or lying.

I promise.

I didn't think you'd mind
getting wet.

Look at me. I'm dripping!

My clothes are soggy,
and my skin is all wet.

I hate getting wet.

I'm going to go take a shower.

But wait, I made a sandwich
for you.

It's untouched by human hands.

Now, if you want to get
Fleetwood Mac,

I think this album's
your best bet,

'cause it's got just about
everything you want to hear...

All right, all right,
where's your father?

In one minute, Mr. Wanker.

I happen to be helping
a customer.

$5.98? If you really want
to help your customer,

tell him he can get the
same album for only $4.50

at the music store
right down the street.

No, wait a minute.
That's a mistake.

There is no music store
down the street.

Mr. Wanker,
you are an absolute...

Absolutely wonderful

to see you here, Arnold.

Isn't it, dear?

Well, it isn't wonderful
to see you.

I've tried everything short
of tear gas to get rid of you.

( HORN HONKING ) In a minute!

That's my wife.

I asked her to drive
me to a foreclosure this afternoon.

Oh, well, I guess you need
some sort of social life.

And speaking of foreclose,
your rent payment is due Friday.

Today is Wednesday.

Oh, I'll have the money.

In spite of the fact
that you've nearly ruined

our business by tearing up
our sidewalk

and turning off the heat.

It's like an icebox in here.

I thought you wanted
a rent freeze.

Oh, I love my work.

( HORN HONKING )
Oh, shut up! I'm coming!

I've got to use the phone.
Where is it?

Oh, I know where
I'd like it to be.

FRED:
Yeah, around his neck.

Oh, um, it's over there.

He's already turned
off the heat.

You want him to turn off

the lights next?
I don't care.

This guy's been getting away
with this for years.

Somebody's got to tell him.

But do we have to do it now?

Chambers! I am sick and tired
of calling you about this!

I want him evicted tomorrow!

Well, so what
if he's 90 years old.

Tell him to start
for the door today.

( HORN HONKING )

Hold on, you old bat!

Oh, that's the trouble
with people today!

They're just too impatient!

Now, that is enough.
Now, wait...

I don't care...
somebody's got to tell him off.

Mr. Wanker, you have been
evicting people

and screaming
at people and being nasty.

Do you hear me,
Mr. Wanker? Whoa!

I think he's dead.

MRS. WANKER ( CRYING ): Oh, Arnold!

( LOUD CRYING )

Oh, Arnold.

Oh, try to take it easy,
Mrs. Wanker.

Oh, I knew it was coming.

The doctor told him
to take it easy, but no.

He wouldn't listen.

Arnold...

CORA:
Oh, now...

Calm down, Annie.

When he left the car...

When he left the car,
little did I know

that his last words
to me would be...

"Wait here."

( WAILING )

( SOBBING )

Oh, Cora.

I feel terrible about this!

Yeah, I know, but
there's nothing

we can do about it now.

I know, but those awful things
we were saying to him.

He brought this on himself.

Then why do I feel so guilty?

For the same reason I do...

because he died right
here in our store.

We did everything we could,
but I'm afraid he's gone.

Oh, well, thank you.

I guess you can go now.

I'll call the mortuary.

Right.

We'll leave the deceased
back there, then.

Uh...
Right. Come on, Eddie.

Oh...

Nice suits... I'd like to see
the rest of the band.

Oh, it's gonna be a bummer,
though,

trying to find shoes
to match that bag.

Watch out for the hole!

My experiment with
the pigeons worked.

They agreed to
everything I said.

Cheer up. You look
like somebody died.

( HONKING BARK )

( CRYING LOUDLY )

Who's the grouch?

( CRYING )

Mork, will you just be quiet
and act like a human being?

( SOBBING )

( IMITATING CRY )

How's that?

Shh!

She just lost her husband.

It'll be all right.
He'll turn up.

( WAILING )

He just died.

Oh, yeah.

He died?

Oh, no.
The embarrassment.

Genuine look of grief.

He was such a wonderful man.

Don't you think so?

Oh, well, I didn't know him
all that well.

We really never...

Oh, I-I knew him very well.

I didn't know him at all.

Uh, when we were
in Little League,

he used to come around

with free lemonade
for all the kids.

Oh.

He puts locks
on all the bathrooms.

( LAUGHS, CRIES )

Grandma was telling me
what a bright,

observant little boy he was.

She said that she just wanted
to give him everything.

Half of everything.

Oh, thank you.

You've made me feel
so much better.

Why is it
the young always die good?

Arnold Wanker
was one in a million.

He was a beautiful man.

He was a real wurble.

He was an inspiration.

He was an angel.

He is now.

( CRYING )

Oh, yes, he's an angel...

Oh, no, no.

What Grandma meant
was a man that good

and that loved and that admired

must certainly have found a
heavenly place for himself.

Oh.

Thank you, Mindy.

You really cared about him,
didn't you?

Oh, well,
I think I'm safe in saying

that Dad, Grandma and I

all felt the same way about him.

He was beautiful.

Who would believe it?

Who would believe it?

A few minutes ago, he was
here, yelling at us,

and now, he's back there,

quiet as a mouse.

He's back there?

He's only been there
for a few minutes?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh.

Annie...

( SOBBING )

Annie... Annie, dear,

why don't I drive you home?

Now, come along, dear.

Okay.

Now, everything is
going to be all right.

( ANNIE WAILS AND MUTTERS )

I'll stay with her
for a few hours.

It's the least I can do.

Yeah. Poor woman.

Yeah.

Her only mistake was
in marrying an idiot.

Yes. Anybody can
make that mistake.

My own daughter did.

( SIGHS )

Dad, do you think

that we might have overdone it
a little bit?

Oh, I don't know.
We were just

telling her
what she wanted to hear.

( SIGHS )

I wonder where Mork went.

He probably saw a flying saucer

and thought
it was a class reunion.

( SINGING IN ORKAN )

( LAUGHING )

You lucky Earthlings!

Do you think you could tone down

the exuberance a little bit?

There's no need
to be sad anymore.

Mork, a man is dead.

A lot you know.

FRED:
What?!

( TOOTING A FANFARE )

( FRED SCREAMS )

♪ Stayin' alive,
stayin' alive... ♪

♪ Stayin' alive... ♪

But he's supposed to be dead.

Not anymore.

I gave him a jump start.

A jump start?

You can do that?

Well, it's a billion
in one shot.

I did it once on Ork with a, uh,

a hairless crawling zabedee.

Who would know it would work

with a lower form of life.

Conditions were perfect, though.

You see,

he's still a little groggy.

( HIGH-PITCHED COOING )

I know this will work

'cause I saw it during
the movies... watch.

( DEEP VOICE ):
Wake up, sweetheart.

And furthermore, McConnell,

I'm going to get you
to break that lease

if I have to break your legs
to do it!

Now, now, now,
uh, let me get this straight.

Conditions have to be perfect?

It's a one in a million shot?

One in a billion.

You don't think you

can ever do it again?

Eh...

And you wasted it

on that miserable rat!

But he's your friend.

Friend, my word.

I can't stand him.

But you said all those
nice things about him.

I lied!

Oh.

You?

Then you lied, too?

Oh, I didn't exactly lie.

I just didn't exactly
tell the truth.

What's the difference?

Well, the difference is
lying is lying,

and not telling the truth is...

lying.

You're right; I lied.

But you told me lying was bad.

You made me promise never
to lie or even splink.

That stupid woman!

I... I don't know
why I married her!

Now I told her to wait.

Now, I got to call a cab!

Uh, Arnold, uh,

there was a very good reason
why she left.

Well, I'd like to know
what it is.

Well, you were,
um... uh, uh...

Let me see if I can
put it delicately.

Just say it quickly.

Well, you were, uh...

You bit the big one.

Boot Hill,
Great White Hunting Ground.

You bought the farm,
you kicked the bucket.

What is this dodo trying to say?

He's trying to say
you were dead.

Arnold, you had a heart attack

right here in the store.

Heart attack? Ha!

How come I don't remember it?

Well, think back.

What do you remember?

Well, I was on the phone

evicting some
90-year-old deadbeat.

I remember my, uh, wife
honking the car horn.

I, uh, remember overcharging
my fraternity for the beer,

and then I pulled
the lemonade trick

on the Little League,

and then I caught my baby-sitter
doing...

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Wait a minute.

My whole life flashed
in front of my eyes.

Right. That was
just before you...

( IMITATES BUGLE
BLOWING "TAPS" )

You're all crazy.

This is some kind of trick

to keep me
from breaking the lease,

isn't it?

Well, it just won't work.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you tell me
where the loved one is?

What loved one?

We are supposed to pick up

one Arnold Winker, deceased.

That's Arnold Wanker, deceased.

Only I'm not
deceased, I'm alive.

And I'm going to stay that way

for a long, long time.

No pickup.

Watch out!

( WANKER YELLS )

( THUD )

for the hole.

You know, actually,

Arnold Wanker really lucked out.

I mean, in that terrible fall,

all he broke was both
legs and his collarbone.

But the good news is
he'll be in traction for months.

And knowing him, he'll
probably sue himself.

I'm sorry about yesterday,

but after you said all
those nice things about him,

I thought you'd be happy
when I brought him back.

Oh, it isn't your fault, Mork.

I guess I confused you

with my speech on
lying and splinking.

Yes, it was very confusing
to hear you lie after all that.

Yeah. I should have
explained to you

about something called
"little white lies."

All splinks are blue.

A little white lie
is what you tell

when you don't want

to hurt somebody's feelings.

But how could you hurt
Wanker's feeling?

He was Croak City.

But I really would have
hurt his wife's feelings

if I had told the truth.

So, I just sort
of bent it a little.

A little?

All right, I stretched it a lot.

Ah, so I see on Earth,

the truth gets a lot
of exercise.

Yeah, but as a rule,

you should always
tell the truth.

I should never lie?

Never.

( DOOR OPENING )

Hi.
MINDY: Oh!

Oh, I'm so glad
you kids are home.

Now, I've been invited

to the Gray Panthers
Prom for next Sunday,

and I want you to
see my new dress.

Whoa!
Oh!

Author.

( LAUGHS )

Grandma, it's...
really colourful.

Well, what I really wanted
was a man's opinion.

( LAUGHING )

Mork, splink like

you have never splunk.

Mork?

Que wapa!

( GIGGLING )

( SPEAKING NONSENSE SPANISH )

Cordoba Corinthian.

( GIGGLING ):
Oh...!

( SPEAKS NONSENSE SPANISH )

Oh, do you really like it?

Huevos rancheros, amigo.

( LAUGHS )

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

ORSON:
I hear you, Mork.

( ELECTRONIC WHIRRING )

Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Universe

and all ships in space.

Let's go to press.

Dit dit-dit-dit de-de de-de-de.

Flash!

File the report, Mork.

Aw, but you take all the fun
out of it.

The report!

( ELECTRONIC WHIRRING )

Yes, your Immenseness.

Today's report is
about little white lies.

What?

They're the same
as little blue splinks.

See, there are several kinds
of white lies.

Number one, the sports lie.

I'm tellin' you, Harry,

you should have seen the one
that got away.

I'm talkin' big... big.

You know, so big,
it almost swamped the dingy.

Then, there are vanity lies.

How old are you,
Mrs. Vandergroff?

( OLD WOMAN'S VOICE ):
I'm only 28 years old.

Then, there are the kind of lies

to keep you from getting
your lips ripped off.

( SOUTHERN ACCENT ):
Barbara Jean,

that was the best meal
I've ever had.

Who could believe
it was the first one

you've ever cooked?

I've never seen anybody do that
with figs before.

The secret must be
in the cheese.

( IMITATES NEWSMAN ):
That's the way it is here on Earth.

Until next week...

( REGULAR VOICE ):
this is Mork signing off.

Nanu-Nanu.