Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 10 - Mork's Greatest Hits - full transcript

Nanu-Nanu.

( LOUD CLANK )

Shazbot!

So this is where you
humans come to ingest food?

Well, let's just say
that some humans do, yeah.

Don't you have
restaurants on Ork?

Oh no, we just eat
whatever's in front of us.

That's why we have
to picnic back-to-back.

Hey, get a load of the talent

that just walked in.

Yeah, that's Mindy McConnell.



Her father runs a
music store in the mall.

Who's her handicap?

Uh, I think his
name's, uh... Mork.

Yeah? I bet if you yelled
in his ear you'd get an echo.

Well, what do you
think I should have?

Oh, anything that's on the menu.

Oh, how about this fly?
Whoa!

Talk about your fast food.

No, eat what's written there.

Oh, I think I'll start off
with a little sales tax then.

Hi.
Hi.

What would you like?

Uh, world peace,
an end to poverty,

and a date with
Annette Funicello.



Let me know
when fun-time is over, okay?

Thank you.

Hey, Marcia,

looks like you
got a real loser there.

That's right, George.
You been giving him lessons?

Oh...

Mork, you really need
to try to fit in more

when we're in public.

I know, I'm slime.

Oh... no...

Why don't you have
the Businessman's Lunch?

Why should I have it
if he didn't?

Hi there, beautiful.

Hi.

I was talking
to Mindy. Oh.

Oh. How do you
know my name?

I make it my business
to get acquainted

with every fox in town.

A good way to do that is to
leave dead meat on your porch.

This I take it, is Merk?

Oh no, that's a great car.

My name is Mork.
Nanu-Nanu.

Well, Mr. Nanu-Nanu,
if you'll excuse us...

I'd like to dance with the lady.

No, thank you.

Come on, you'll love it.

No!
Rick, put on some music.

Stop it!
What are you doing?

Cut it out.

Mork, will you do something?

Fine. I'll order lunch.
Garson?

I can't let you pass up
a chance like me, honey.

Stop it.

Mork, will you help me?

If you insist.

Mind if I cut in?
Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing, jerk?

No, it's not the jerk,
it's the Orkan Hustle. See?

Mindy said...

Mindy said that you
needed help dancing.

We don't need help.

Oh, games!
Tag, you're it!

Rick, cut the music.

( SHUTS OFF MUSIC )

What did you just do?

I think I just went,
tag, you're it.

You better take it back.

Oh, take it back, oh...

( SPEAKING BACKWARDS )

Mork...

Relax baby, come here,
you'll love it.

Don't cop out.

Oh, cops and robbers,
I know how to play that.

Freeze right there, dirtball!

All right, let's go.
Up against the wall.

Quick! 10-4! 10-4! Quick!
Up against the wall.

We're going to play
a little game right now

called Hide and Seek, okay?

You're going to close
your eyes and count

to infinity, right?

Infinity,
that's ridiculous! Come on!

All right, one...

two, three, four,

five, six, seven, Hey, wait!

Eight, nine,

ten, 11,

twelve...

( LAUGHING )

Hey, where'd he go?

What are you laughing at?

That was no gun.

That guy Mork,
had his finger in your back.

Yeah?

In that case, he just became
an endangered species.

( GRUNTS )

Mindy, I have some questions
I'd like to...

I still have some questions

I'd like to ask
about this custom of lunch.

What?

When do we eat?

That was not a typical example
of lunch on the planet Earth.

It wasn't?
No. Oh.

For one thing, I don't
usually get attacked.

See, I don't like
getting attacked.

Why didn't you stop him?

I keep forgetting, you just
don't understand, do you?

Look, Mork, that guy
was a stupid creep.

Somebody should
have made him stop.

Mindy, you don't understand,

you see, Orkans abolished
violence a long time ago.

We consider it humiliating.

Mork, haven't you ever
known someone

that you needed to protect?

Well, yes, there was my
girlfriend, Zwendira-Mae-Jo-Bob.

Girlfriend? I thought
Orkans had no emotions.

Oh, yes, but we're
still assigned someone

to go swimming with
so we don't drown.

How romantic.

Well, whatever
happened to, uh...

Zwendira-Mae-Jo-Bob.

She was swallowed
by a black hole.

Oh, I'm sorry she was killed.

Oh, no, she wasn't killed,
she just reappeared

four years later
eight hundred times thinner.

Look, Mork, I'm not
into violence either,

but if you're threatened
you've got to be able

to defend yourself.

The trouble is,
you don't understand, do you?

Oh, I know all about violence.
I watch TV.

Here, stand up.

Now, throw a punch at me.

( LAUGHS )

Okay.

Oh!

( GROANS IN PAIN )

See?

That's not violence,
I didn't even hit you.

Look, violence involves pain.

None of that stuff
on TV is real.

Oh, then the Dallas
Cowboys are faking it?

No, sports are real.

Whew, what a relief.
I thought you were

going to tell me next
that wrestling was fake.

This isn't going to work.
Let's see...

How can I teach you
about fighting?

I know... we can
always get married.

( LAUGHS )

( MORK HUMMING "GONNA FLY NOW" )

( SPEAKING IN SLOW MOTION )

What are you doing?

( SPEAKING IN SLOW MOTION ):
Getting in shape-ape-ape-ape.

( BLOWS RASPBERRY )

( PANTING )

But you were running so slowly.

I was jogging in
another time dimension.

It's a lot healthier,
but a lot more exhausting,

especially since I haven't
been through a time warp

in five or six bleems.

( LAUGHS )

( DOOR BELL RINGS )

Oh, there's the bell.

Oh, Howard, you're so ugly,

if you take off that toupee,

you'd look like a rock.

I think your technique
may need a little refinement.

I think you've
really got your work cut out for you today.

Well, if the Army
could teach me how to box,

I can teach Mork.

Well, Mork doesn't
have the faintest idea

how to defend himself,
so I hope you can help.

Oh, I hope so, too.

Now, Mindy told me what happened

down at The Eatery,
and as long as you're

going to go out with my daughter

you might as well learn
how to protect her.

Here, put those on.
I can't, these gloves are pregnant.

No, Mork, they're
supposed to be that big.

Here... let me help.

There.

Now, cut that out.

Don't Orkans have any
method of defending themselves?

Oh, yes, but they're
all non-violent.

Let's see, there's running away.

Running away?

And whimpering.

And for dangerous situations,
we use compliments.

Compliments?
What do you mean?

Come at me.

Okay...

You have very lovely hair.

I mean, what's left of it.

Well, I'm afraid those methods

won't work on Earth,
so I'm going

to have to show you
what you're up against.

Okay, I always say, if you
can't learn something

from an alien culture,
you might as well

stay in your egg,
because... ow!

Now you know what pain is.

I knew what pain was
but nobody ever told me it hurt.

But that's why you have
to be ready to defend yourself.

Oh, but you see, on Ork
we don't hit each other.

We have mental competitions
called holitackers.

I can cream you in a holitacker.

Okay... what do I have to do?

First of all, no farging
before the smegba's.

Right.

Two feet inside
the force field, and...

You're going to
lose points for that.

I'm sorry, but you have
to be ready at all times.

Now come on, you try to hit me.

Hit you?

Yeah, yeah, try to hit me.

I appreciate what you're
trying to do, Pops,

but I can't do anything that
would cause other people pain.

But, Mork, if you don't
learn to fight,

then you're the one
that's going to feel pain.

I'm-I'm sorry,
it's against my beliefs.

( PHONE RINGS )

Oh... I'll get that.

Well, what are you going
to do if you're attacked?

I don't know.

But I won't use violence.

Hello? Yes, he's here.
Yeah, just a minute.

Mork, I think it's that guy
from The Eatery; George.

( GOOFY ):
George.

Hello.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, if you insist.

Kay-o.

Be there or
be square. Bye-bye.

What happened?
What did he say?

Well, he said he
was on his way over

to pull my lungs
out through my nose.

Look, Dad, tell Mork
not to come home.

Well, he's been
hiding out all day

because he's afraid
he's going to get beaten up.

Well, yeah,
that George character

is out in front of the house
right now.

Okay, but just tell him
what I said.

Okay. Bye-bye.

( GASPS ):
Mork!

How did you get past George
out there?

I snuck in the back way.

This house doesn't have
a back way.

It does now.

Mork, why are you
doing all this?

Well, to save my pride.

You see, on Ork,
one who throws a punch

is much more foolish
than one who receives it.

And if I got in a fight
with George,

I'd be humiliating myself.

On Earth, running
around and hiding

is considered humiliating.

That's crazy.

In Orkan philosophy, violence
is considered a disgrace.

The highest form of courage
is to avoid a fight cleverly.

I remember
the Three Hundred Bleem War.

We hid from Andromeda.

Your planet hid
from another planet?

Yes. We went behind a comet,
and they went right by.

Well, then what happened?

That was it. That was one
of our greatest victories.

Boy, did we laugh when they
packed up and went away.

( HONKING BARK )

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous?

Say that to
Squellman the Yellow.

He was one
of our greatest heroes.

He was surrounded by millions
of Necrotrons,

and he got away by saying
the famous line,

"Hey, behind you!"

That's crazy.

Oh, you're right.

Necrotrons
don't even have behinds.

Ah, but enough
of this gay banter.

I'm off to get the mail.

What if George sees you?

Oh, he won't see me.

He'll see...

Mork Astaire!

Ginger? Ginger,
is that you?

Well, I thought it was
a very effective disguise.

I never realised it was you.

Morkalong Cassidy.

I think you should either stand
up to George or leave town.

Ching... ching...

ching... ching... ching.

I ain't gonna leave town.

A man's got to do
what a man's got to do

when a man's got to do it.

So, what do you got to do?

I got to hide.

How the west was won.

Now, just because
his viewpoint isn't the same as ours

is no reason that he's wrong.

And besides, what's so bad
about not wanting to fight?

What do you think I should do?

Now, whatever you
think is right,

but I'm not sure
that the best way

is dressing up
like a dead cowboy.

I can be a pirate, then.

( LAUGHING )

Wrong eye. Argh!

Shift the mizzenmast
and swab up that poop.

You're right.
I should get out of town.

Here, go find a wig.

Well, I have had it.

Three days, and that George
is still in front of the house.

He hasn't moved.

Oh, yes, he has.

He's right outside.

Oh, no.

Quick, quick,
you can hide under there.

Hey, you're getting good
at this, too.

I'm really going
to get him this time.

He'll never even see me.

GEORGE:
Where is he?

Well, you see,
he saw you coming,

and he was so scared
that he left town.

I bet he did run away.

He's probably scared
out of his wits, if he has any.

Look, Mork isn't afraid of you.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.

And what if I don't?

Then tomorrow, you're going
to blow this oboe

out your ear!

Okay, I'm going...

but you tell that coward

that I'll be waiting
for him at The Eatery,

and if he doesn't show up,

I'll get him no
matter where he hides.

So, what's for dinner?

Dad, Grandma, I'd like to speak

with Mork alone for a minute.

Yes, I understand, dear.

That guy was lucky
he didn't throw a punch at me.

Not half as lucky as you are.

Well, I knew somebody was lucky.

Mork, this is difficult
for me to say.

Maybe you should hum it, then.

Now, look, throughout
this whole thing,

I've been trying not to tell you
what you should do,

but now George is starting
to bother all of us,

and it-it's starting to look
like you're just afraid of him.

Now, I'm no coward.

I just believe that
violence is humiliating.

That's all.

All right, I believe
that's true,

but the way you're acting,
I can't help but think that...

You're ashamed of
me, aren't you?

No.
Yes, you are.

And Mork from Ork
has never been called a coward.

I've never even
lost a holitacker,

except for that
one on Serius, and how can you trust

an eight-legged
Pekinese as an umpire?

Look, Mork, you don't have
to prove anything to me.

Yes, I do, and I will.

I'm going down there,

and I'm going
to make that guy humiliate himself

if he has to tear off
all of my limbs to do it.

( WHISTLES )

Where is he!

Ow...

Oh, hi.

So, you ready to fight?

Oh, no...

but I'm ready to let you make
a fool out of yourself.

Just how are you
going to do that?

By standing up to you.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm going to make my stand
sitting down.

I can't fight you like that.

Lucky for you.

All right,
you want to play cute?

( IN A BABY VOICE ):
Okay.

( BABBLES )

( GROANS )

Tide's up.

Mork.

( GASPS ):
Leave him alone!

Mindy, don't interrupt.

George and I were just having
a little discussion.

Good point.

Mork, he's humiliating you.

Oh, au contraire, ma petite.

I've got that sucker
on the run right now.

Get up.

I feel real sorry for you.

Oh, come on now, George,
don't go and mess up the place.

I'm not going
to mess anything up except him.

Why don't you lay off the guy?

You can see
he isn't going to fight.

ALL:
Yeah.

Hey, what is it with you people?

You never gave me
a hard time before.

And nobody ever stood
up to you before.

Thanks, Lumpy.

Well, listen, I
could care less about this idiot.

All I ever wanted to
do was have a dance with Mindy here.

I don't think she wants
to dance with you.

I think her exact words were,
"That guy is a stupid creep".

I've had enough
out of you, chump.

Now you've had it.

You can go ahead and do
what you want to do,

but I'm not going to fight.

( GROANS ):
Look, Lumpy, the Supremes.

Hey, what'd you do that for?

He started it.

He started nothing.

He wasn't even going to fight.

Oh, big man.

I mean, what's next George?

You're going to go step
on some baby chicks?

MORK:
You see George?

I've got the support
of the people. I win.

( CHEERING )

Shut up... all of you!

Now this whole thing started

because I wanted to dance
with Mindy here,

and that's exactly
what I'm going to do.

MINDY:
Cut it out! I can't allow that, George.

Look, all right,
I will dance with you.

Mork, why don't you
just go home?

No. You leave her alone.

Yeah? You going
to stop me?

Mm... yes, I am.

Oh, no.

You've got very lovely teeth,
George.

What?!

Really, you probably floss,
don't you?

You're crazy!

No, you're crazy
if you don't floss.

I'm going to smash
your face in right now.

I've got to warn you, you're
going to humiliate yourself.

I'm awfully fast.

Yeah? I've beaten
guys who were fast.

Oh, not this fast.
I'm into time warps.

I don't care if
you're into kung-fu.

( WHOOSHING SOUND )

( WHOOSHING SOUND )

Hey, where'd he go?

I'm over here, Clone Prince.

( WHOOSHING SOUND )

( WHISTLING )

La, la, la, la, la...
Stereo.

( SLOW LAUGHING )

♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪

( HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ):
Hello, you like me here, too?

♪ La, la, la... ♪

( GARBLED HUMMING )

This is too humiliating for you.

Please, make me stop.

What's going on here?

He's making a fool out of you.

Face it, George, he's too fast.

He's just playing with you.

Oh, yeah? We'll see
who's playing with who!

Whom.
( WHOOSHING SOUND )

Bon appetit...

Oh...

( WHISTLES )

Again?

( WHOOSHING SOUND )

Oh, this is too painful for me.

Please stop making me
humiliate you.

Well... okay.

Will you say you're
sorry to Mindy?

I'm sorry, Mindy.

Boy, am I ever sorry.

Then it's over. Bartender,
spam for everybody!

Mork, that was the most
incredible thing I've ever seen.

How did you do that?

I don't know... I think
I'm a little out of shape.

I think I pulled a frontal lobe.

It was absolutely amazing.

You... I mean,
you-you beat him

without hurting him,
and you protected me.

You deserve a big kiss
for that one, boy.

( WHOOSHING SOUND )

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in... Orson.

ORSON:
What are you doing?

Oh, I was doing
a little shadowboxing.

Since there are no shadows in my
mind, I was punching thoughts.

I didn't know you had any.

Oh...

Just one,
and the little sucker's hiding

in my subconscious.

( SNARLS ) Whoa.

Why are you fighting?

You know violence is
against Orkan law.

Oh, I know that, but I'm trying
to fit in here on Earth,

because these are a very
violent, violent people.

You mean, they have wars?

Oh, no, worse than that.

Violence is part
of their everyday lives.

First of all, they slash prices.

They drown their sorrows.

They punch buttons,
and they kill time.

I'm not even going to tell you
what they do to eggs.

I had no idea
Earthlings were so vicious.

Oh, not only that.

They blow up photographs.

They hang plants.

And I heard one guy
telling another guy,

"Hey, man, you can crash
at my place."

And even when they're finished
having a fight

and they want to make up,

they threaten
to bury the hatchet.

What makes them so violent?

I don't know.

I think it starts
when a baby is born.

The first thing the doctor does
is hit it.

( WHINES LIKE A BABY )

They don't stand a chance,
Your Immenseness.

This is Mork, signing off.

Until next week, Nanu-Nanu.