Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 2, Episode 1 - Brother, Can You Spare a Blonde? - full transcript

MOONLIGHTING

"SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PHILADELPHIA"

Evening, Mr. Navarone.

Got your money.

Got all of it.

Seven thirty-seven.

Seven thirty-eight.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

You said 7:32.

Hey, hold on a second.
Hold on a second!

Five minutes.



You're gonna burn
a deal over five minutes?

Come on!

Five minutes? You're gonna blow
a hundred grand over five minutes?

I'm a big believer in punctuality.

This is serious business
you want to get into.

Wanna be in a serious business?

You have to act serious.

Next time, on time.

Come here.
Check out your merchandise.

- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.

Okay, kid, get your booty
off my trunk.

This time I ain't stopping.

- Mr. Navarone?
- Yeah.

- Just one more thing.
- Yeah.



You're under arrest, jackass.

PARKING LOT

SHED POUNDS - MAKE MONEY
"THIN AND RICH" DEMONSTRATION

Ladies and gentlemen.
Prepare yourself for an evening...

...that's destined to change your life.

It's The Thin and Rich Story.

As told by the only guy
who knows all the good parts.

Mr. Rich and Thin himself.

Richard Addison.

Oh, my goodness, what a crowd.

Thank you.

"Wanna tell you a story about a guy
with a roll"

"Said gotta find some glory,
Gotta make some dough"

"Gotta find some glory
Gotta make some dough"

"So he think and he think
And he thunk and he thunk"

"And after he was done
He invented this junk"

"This goo, this gop
This weird-looking swill"

"It's called Rich and Thin
And here's what it will do"

"It will melt your fat
Melt it clear away"

"It'll keep you lean
Till your dying day"

"But that's not all
This stuff will do"

"Yes it will make you rich
It will do that too"

"Yes it will make you rich
It will do that too"

"Now how can we make
A promise like this"

"That this powdered goo
Can make you rich"

"You can make this promise
Because it's true"

"It worked for me
It'll work for you"

"He used to be fat
And he used to be poor"

"Now he's thin and he's rich
Drives a Porsche 944"

I'm sorry you didn't
sell any of that stuff, man.

Hey, anything new takes time.
Gum. Gum took a long time.

People didn't understand that they
were supposed to chew this stuff...

...without actually eating it.

Anything new, you got to educate
the public. What did we say, 35?

- Forty.
- Forty.

Now how about grass.
You know, lawns.

Here's this stuff.

You plant it, you fertilize it.
You water it.

There are people who take better
care of this stuff than their own kids.

So they can do what?
Cut it and throw it away.

What are you staring at?

Well, it's in the shop. I mean,
a Porsche is a very delicate machine.

- Whatever you say.
- Very delicate, very delicate.

And that's the O'Jays'
"For the Love of Money."

That's also our super song of the day,

So be caller number 22 and
we're gonna give you $4000,

That's 4000 big ones,

Just for being the 22nd caller to
get through on our boogie line,

So ask yourself, what radio station
pays cold hard cash to its listeners?

Ain't no other, brother,
We're KRKD, your radio station,

The number, 555-1234,
That's 555-1234,

Let's go to the phones.
Hello, you're caller number one.

What do you mean you can't break it?
Operator, this is an emergency.

I'm sorry, Mr. President,
she just doesn't believe me.

Perhaps you or Mr. Iacocca
would like to speak to her yourselves.

Operator, I'm telling you, you're
putting me in a hell of a spot here.

Are you calling me a liar?

Yeah? Well, reach
out and touch this, mama.

- Anyone waiting to see us?
- See us what?

- Any calls?
- Calls?

Any appointments?

John Gavin was made
ambassador to Mexico again.

- I'll be in with Mr. Addison.
- Certainly.

Mrs. Middleman, I don't care if I have
to look under every woman in L.A.

I am going to find your husband.

No, no, no. I wouldn't do the job
if I didn't love it, Mrs. Middleman.

You too. Bye-bye.

- Something I can do for you?
- What was that?

- Phone. Still is.
- Addison, did we get a case?

- A case? A case?
- A case. A customer.

A customer?
- A customer.

That woman on the phone. Does she
want to hire us? Was that a case?

- Kind of. Yeah, kind of.
- Kind of?

- Maybe.
- What do you mean, kind of, maybe?

- What was that?
- That?

That was an inquiry.

- An inquiry?
- An inquiry.

- An inquiry.
- Hey, come on. An inquiry.

An inquiry's not bad.
An inquiry is kind of like...

...case foreplay.

You gotta have an inquiry
before somebody gives you a case.

- Case foreplay?
- Don't you get it?

This is great. People are beginning
to hear about us. Take us seriously.

There was no one
on the phone, was there?

Mrs. Middleman? Lives in Pacoima.

Mister said he was going to the mall,
he was going out with a moll.

She's gonna shop around,
call other agencies, check prices.

There was no one on the phone,
David.

- All right. No one was on the phone.
- Terrific.

Okay, everybody knows
you're feeling a little bit--

Depressed? Depressed is what I was
before I started feeling really bad...

...and became what I am now.
Do you know what I just did?

I just called a radio station.

They were giving away money
and I thought if I could only win some.

Maddie, you're losing your grip.

And I haven't had
a chance to sample it yet.

Maddie, I know
you're feeling disillusioned.

- That is no reason to act so--
- Impoverished.

Terrified!
And I'm not acting, David.

We've been at this for months.
And it's not getting any better.

This business is a giant pit
I'm throwing my money into.

Not forever. It will turn around.
Don't throw in the towel.

Towel? Pretty soon there aren't
going to be any more towels.

No towels.
No bathroom. No anything.

It's gonna be pretty tough
on the old personal hygiene.

The Internal Revenue Service
wants me to sell my house.

- Your house?
- My house.

Between what I owe in
payroll taxes and personal taxes...

...that house is
the only thing I have left.

- Your house?
- I worked for 11 years for that house.

If the government tries to sell it--

Oh, Scarlett, Tara ain't on the
block yet. How much do you need?

- Thirty-five thousand.
- Dollars?

Yes.

Where on earth am
I gonna get that kind of money?

- I don't know. But we will. We will.
- We will?

- How?
- We'll make it.

- Where? On a Xerox?
- How many times do I tell you.

We're sitting on a money machine. We
just gotta figure out how to turn it on.

You are a preposterous human being.
Do you know that?

- A preposterous human being.
- Why? Because I believe...

- ...in thinking positively?
- Thinking positively?

David, we're standing
on the decks of the Titanic...

...and you're suggesting songs to
the band. This business doesn't work.

No one calls. No one comes in.
It's breaking your heart.

And it's bankrupting me. Why are we
putting ourselves through this?

- Why?
- Because we are on the verge.

- The verge.
- On the verge of what?

- The verge of happening. Any minute.
- Why ask? He'll just tell me--

- I know you're depressed. It's normal.
- Why am I living this life?

- I never did anything to deserve this.
- This mild recession has you nervous.

So being good doesn't matter.

Don't you think this happens to
every company? It does.

I read about a small outfit.
Nothing was working.

Nobody in his door.
The milk going bad in the cooler.

One day,
Mr. Eleven says to Mr. Seven:

"Why don't we open
earlier and close a little later?"

Lightning bulb goes off in Sev's head.
They switch billing, rest is history.

- Addison!
- Maddie, we are in the same place.

All right. Things are not
running as smoothly as they could...

...but they will.
We work out the kinks...

I'm telling you, any day now, any hour,
any minute, this phone is gonna ring.

- How did you do that?
- Wait, I'll do it again.

Yes? For Mr. Addison.
It's his brother?

- My brother?
- You have a brother?

Oh, brother.

Davie and Richie.
I never even knew you had a brother.

I never thought of him as a brother.

I thought of him as
Mom and Dad's science project.

How long since you've seen him?

- This is the 80s.
- Sounds like he's doing well.

Staying at the Bel-Air Hotel,
dinner at Adriano's.

- You're shook, aren't you?
- What?

David Addison, you're shook.

You're shook because you think
your brother's doing better than you.

That's why you wanted me
to come tonight, isn't it?

- What are you talking about?
- What does he do?

- He annoys me.
- No. I mean, for a living.

I don't know.

Look, we're brothers,
but we have nothing in common.

- I mean, we're not alike at all.
- Really?

Yeah.
He's got an angle on everything.

- That is different.
- Never worked an honest day.

- Could be he was adopted.
- Always asking relatives for money.

Money for some new idea. Gonna
make everybody a million bucks.

Crazy stuff. Square hula hoops.
Stringless yo-yos.

One time, he wanted money to
put tequila in those little packets...

...that ketchup and mustard come in
for people that can't find a shot glass.

- Strange boy.
- You're right.

Doesn't sound like you at all.

- There he is.
- You're hurting my arm.

Do I look okay?
Everything tucked and zipped?

When you shake his hand do me a favor.

- Bend over a bit, all right?
- What?

It will impress the hell out of him.
Better than a gold card.

- Wally.
- Beav.

Oh, my goodness.

- Hello.
- Hello?

That's exactly what I was thinking.
Talk about two people in sync.

He really is your brother.

Maddie Hayes, my brother Richie.
Richie, this is Maddie Hayes.

This is a treat.
Here you are, Miss Hayes.

A nice view of me.

- Dave.
- Rich.

- So you two are really brothers.
- Yeah.

- Gosh.
- She's a hell of an order, Dave.

Don't let her get away.

- So how are you, Rich?
- Oh, I'm doing great, Dave. Just great.

- What brings you to L.A., Rich?
- 747. First-class.

Okay. I'll bite.
New suit, fancy restaurant--

Thank you. First-class airfare.
What gives?

Been stealing money
from dad's cigar box again?

- I had a good year.
- What does that mean?

You want numbers?
Is that what you want, Dave?

Numbers are so tacky. Visit your
brother, you got to have a W-2 form.

No, I don't wanna know how much.
I wanna know how.

- Maybe we should order.
- Good idea.

No, so tell me. I'm curious.

- How did you do it?
- Come on, fess up. You're not curious.

- You're envious.
- Envious? I'm speechless.

For you to be a success,
there would be no law of nature.

- Addison.
- You're saying I'm dumb?

- Addison!
- No, I'm not saying you're dumb.

I'm saying it would be cruel.

- Let's get down to it.
- Down to what?

Down to it, Dave. I think money
is a good way of keeping score.

How much you got?

American currency only
or do Krugerrands count?

Bupkiss, huh?
What do you drive?

About 130 yards. Depending
on whether or not I use a 9-iron.

- A company car, right?
- Mr. Addison, a call for you.

Thank you.

Just like old times, huh, bro?

I hate him.

- Richard Addison.
- Your green Rambler,

- Excuse me?
- Richard...

...you have something
that belongs to me,

Who is this?

You think going to California
was gonna make a difference?

Did you think I wouldn't come
after you and get it back?

Richard, you have
something that belongs--

Richard?

My broker. I told him to sell.

Do you like this place?

I don't think I like this place.
Trash this.

Wanna go dancing?
Let's all go dancing.

Waiter, take this man back to the
kitchen. He's not completely cooked.

Come on, let's get out of here.
What do you say? Come on.

My word of honor,
I've never met this man before.

We can have some fun.
This will be great.

- Do you know where you're going?
- I'm following him.

You talk as though he were a visitor
from another planet.

- I like him.
- Good.

- She's remarkable.
- Yep.

- You two...?
- Strictly business.

- Really?
- Truly.

- So you wouldn't get upset...?
- Upset?

Get out of here.

- There's just one little thing.
- What's that?

I need $37,000.

- What do you mean?
- I mean a loan.

You can't say anything to her
about it, capeesh?

Capeesh.

First thing in the morning?

I'm gonna split.

- Say good night for me, will you?
- Oh, you got my solemn word.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Hello, stranger.
- Stranger who? Stranger me?

They don't get any stranger.

You disappeared last night.

Well, you were having such
a good time I didn't think you'd notice.

I noticed.

After a while.

I had a nice time, a nice night.

- He's a terrific guy.
- Richie? Oh, he's great.

You just don't wanna be around for
skin-shedding season.

He had nothing but nice things
to say about you.

Well, I have nothing but nice things
to say about me either.

- I did it again.
- Would you do it once with me?

I stopped in here because I thought--

I know how you feel about your brother
and clearly we got along last night.

Yeah. So?

You're invulnerable, aren't you?

If you're asking how I feel
about you and Richie--

I'm not asking anything.
I don't know what I was thinking about.

Well, I'm not going to
hang around here today.

Hey, blondie-blond.

A little something I found
under the sofa.

- Addison, this is full of money.
- And people say you're no detective.

- Look at this, there's got to be--
- Thirty-seven thousand dollars.

I kept thinking about our little chit-chat
yesterday, so I came in early.

Went through the files
and found this old account.

Maybe your accountants
didn't know about it. Anyway--

Oh, David.

Hey, I'm not totally
invulnerable, you know.

- Thank you.
- Don't thank me, thank the bank.

Yeah. Right.

Well, whoever.

Yeah, whoever. Have fun.

Mr. Addison.

- I'm confused.
- Found that out, huh?

Darn. We tried to keep it from you
as long as we could.

But, hey, you were bound to put
two and two together and come up...

...with a fraction sooner or later.

Miss Hayes told me you found a bank account
with money in it that no one knew about.

Yeah, so?

Well, I've made all of the
deposits and kept all the books.

I've been here as long as you have.
There's only one bank account.

- Fine, Ms. DiPesto.
- I don't understand.

If you're saying there's only
one bank account, and I know--

You're right. You were confused.

There were two bank accounts, two.

One you knew about
and one you didn't, all right?

- But--
- Nope. No but's and no maybe's.

It's none of your damn business.
And I would appreciate if you...

...just shut the hell up about it
and crawl back into your cage, okay?

Okay.

- Hello.
- Mr. Addison?

Yes.

- Mr. Addison--
- We're in the toilet. Call me Dave.

You have something
that belongs to me.

Not in here, I don't.

- This is no time for games, Addison.
- Right, we should be in study hall...

...boning up for that math test. Now
just step aside and let me out of here.

All right, fine, fine. You want to
play that way, that's just fine with me.

But I got time on my side, pal.

At some point, Mother Nature
is gonna make it...

...so you're gonna want to be
on this side of the door.

And then when that happens,
let's see how tough you are.

- I don't think you understand, Richard.
- My name isn't Richard.

My name is Navarone.

And that $100,000 that you found
and have been spending...

...from Philadelphia to California
is mine. And I want it back.

Do you understand that?

Tell me you understand.

- I understand.
- You get busy...

...and you round up that money.

Because the next time,
we ain't gonna have time for drinks.

All right.

Mr. Addison, what happened to you?
Were you in a fight?

Damn right. Some guy forgot
to lift up the lid. I hate that.

When Maddie left,
did she say where she was going?

- I'm not speaking to you.
- Yes, you are, I just heard you.

- All right, Agnes--
- No cute apologies.

I don't want a cute apology.

You were mean to me.
For no good reason other than...

...you were in a bad mood and that stinks!
Lots of times I'm in a bad mood.

Lots of times.
But I'm not mean to you.

You think because you make more money
than I do that you can be mean to me?

- No. I don't--
- That's all!

- I don't want to talk about it anymore.
- Agnes...

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. Really.

She's at her house.

And you're forgiven.

But watch it, I know where you live.

What was the name
of the family pooch...

...on the hit TV series, The Waltons?

A, was it Wilbur? B, Rex?

C, Manfred? D, Reckless?
Or E, Mr. Peabody?

- Take your time.
- Richard.

Hint, we're looking
for the character's name here...

...not the actor's.

Richard, I have a terrible confession
to make.

Maddie, you've only known me 18
hours. You're tired of me already?

That would be a female
land-speed record.

I'm not tired of you,
Richard, I like you. It's just--

- David?
- David.

David.

- Who is it?
- Dave.

- David?
- David.

David who?

You're a dead man!

Beg to differ with you, bro.

Richard, why are you fighting?

Richard! David!

- You give. You give!
- You give.

Richard! David! Oh, no!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

Okay, dear brother,
Mr. Success--

Now we're gonna see how terrific
you really are.

I'm gonna make you eat dirt.
I'm gonna make you eat worms!

Maddie, run outside and get me
some dirt, get me some worms!

Stop it, the two of you!

- What is this all about?
- You got me.

Some kind of madness.
Obviously, isn't hereditary.

Where'd you get the money?
What money?

The money you're wearing
and throwing around.

Where did you get it?

- Where do you think?
- I don't know, Rich.

A guy I never met before just tried to
give me a home perm in the bathroom.

He thought I had $100,000
that belonged to him.

He also thought my name
was Richard, Richard Addison.

- He followed me from Philly.
- Who?

I don't know who. The guy
who owns the money, I guess.

About three weeks ago, I'm working.

I got a demonstration set up at this
hotel. It's what, maybe 10:30 at night.

I'm tired, I wanna go home,
I go to my car and it won't start.

So I get out. I go around
the front, open up the hood...

...and there's this
suitcase filled with money.

I mean it's just there.

What do you do?
I don't know what to do.

So I took it home and I counted it.

Then I rolled in it
and put it in these little stacks...

...and, you know, on the
floor and just stared at it.

I didn't even try to go to sleep.

I spread it all over the kitchen floor
and I sat down and I watched it.

And I waited.
Nothing happened.

The dream didn't come to an end.

The feds didn't come
storming into the living room.

I mean, I had a hundred thousand
individual dollars of my very own.

I don't even know
how I got it or why.

It was weird.

It was like The Twilight Zone.

Except it wasn't in black and white.

The only thing left to do
is to spend some of it, right?

It took me a couple of days to
work into it, but I finally did it.

I bought a garage-door opener.

I mean, it seemed like such
a rich person thing to buy.

And besides, someday
I might have my own house.

Richard.

All my life, I've been trying
to impress this guy.

- What?
- Oh, sure...

...he'll tell you.
The folks always liked me better.

And now I came first.
I was pretty good at the dinner table.

Davy.

Davy always had...

- ...jazz.
- What are you talking about?

I mean, everybody always wanted
to be on Davy's team.

Walk on the same side
of the street he did.

Go to the same movies he did.
Buy the same records...

...do the same dance steps.

So I found $100,000.

Did what any jealous brother would do.
I got on a plane and came out here...

...to make you feel bad.

Make me feel good.

What a couple of nincompoops.

A day after I bought the opener,
I get a call at my apartment.

A man,
says the money belongs to him.

He traced me
through my license plate.

He says that if I don't give it back...

...it was pretty gruesome.

And that's why I came out to see you.

I figured, you being a detective.

- We're gonna have to call the police.
- She's right, Richie.

- But we can't.
- Why not?

The money isn't exactly clean.

It's not like the guy's lawyer
was contacting me.

- So?
- So I spent some of it.

The police are gonna
think I'm an accessory.

Not necessarily. All right, so
you spent some of the money.

You repay that part
and the police will understand.

Oh, I don't know, Dave.
I mean, I spent a lot.

Trust me, how bad can it be?

How much you got left?

- About $1100.
- $1100?

Out of $100,000,
you only got $1100 left?

What do you want? I mean, a dollar
only goes so far in today's world.

He's your brother all right.

I suppose we could
return most of that stuff.

- Then there's always the other money.
- What other--?

What's going on?

Not a word, not a syllable, not yet.

What do you mean
not a word, not a syllable?

Not a word, not a syllable.

Great. This is like
being in a foreign country.

- So, what's the plan?
- The plan?

The plan is to get back as much
moolah for this stuff as possible.

- Where did you get all this junk?
- Oh, where else, the mall.

- The mall?
- The mall. The mall has it all.

Four hundred and forty-nine dollars
and seventy-one, two, three cents.

Might I inquire, was there something
about the crossbow you didn't like?

Absolutely not, nothing of the kind.

My aunt already has one.

- How'd you do?
- Pretty good. How much we got?

A little over 33,000 so far.
Where is Richard?

In that department store,
trying to return some men's wear.

Wow.

Wow what?

The guy comes all the way out here
to impress me.

So, what do you think?

I'm impressed.

But I swear, the day I wore the
bathing suit I wore underwear.

You know how they say virgin wool?
How do they know?

Oh, look at this.

Oh, look at this.

- Oh, look at this.
- Very nice, very you.

Let me ask you something,
Mr. Addison. What do I look like?

- I don't know, a 42 long?
- Do I look stupid?

- That's a rhetorical question, right?
- I tell you get my money.

Looks to me like
you wanna spend my money.

David? What are you doing in there?

- Hello.
- Good afternoon.

My goodness, Mr. Addison.

She looks like
a very expensive hobby.

Now, what say we
step through these coats...

...and have a private meeting in one
of these dressing rooms back here?

But those are men's dressing rooms.
If it's all right, I'll just stay here.

Of course, you've seen one guy
in socks, you've seen them all.

Right. So if you'll both
step this way.

Step back, Maddie!

- Richard!
- Run!

- I gotta run.
- I heard her.

- Richard!
- David!

- Richard!
- David!

- You're not Richard!
- You're not David!

- David!
- Richard!

You!

- Him?
- Me?

- What's going on?
- That's your benefactor.

- Have we lost him?
- Don't believe that for a minute.

A second.
Yes, I am excited to see you.

And yes, that is a pistol in my pocket.

I want my money.
How much of it do you have?

- Thirty-three thousand.
- Thirty-three thousand?

Plus the 35,000 you two gave me.

- Maddie?
- "Not a word, not a syllable."

No, no, not here.

What say the four of us go to the
movies where it's nice and dark.

- What's playing?
- The Guns of Navarone,

You didn't know
he was gonna say that?

- Not too crowded at the old mall today.
- Yeah, not much happening.

The place could use a little
pick-me-up, don't you think?

Shut up and keep walking!
What are you doing?

Attention, shoppers!

- You gotta feel good.
- Giving so much.

- To so many.
- Who you don't know.

They could care less about it.

You're here!

Of course I'm here. 7:30 in the
morning, no place I'd rather be.

I'm surprised. Usually when they say
a plane takes off at 6:45.

They knew my
brother was on the flight.

- So?
- So what?

So how'd it go?
You and your brother in the car?

- Just the two of you?
- It went fine.

I asked him to sleep with me.
He said no.

- It went fine.
- You dropped him at the terminal...

- ...or did you park and walk him in?
- Parked.

You wait while he checked his luggage
or did you walk him to the gate?

- Gate.
- You leave when he got...

...on the plane
or wait to see it take off safely?

Took off safely.

You love him.

Will you just leave me alone, please.

Hey blondie-blond.

It turns out there was a reward
for the safe return of Mr. Navarone.

Seventy-five hundred dollars.

That should stonewall
the IRS for about six months.

I don't know
whether to believe you or not.

Which part?
Me waiting for Richie's plane...

...or that being the reward money?

- Either.
- Both are true.

That really is the reward money.

And I really do love that guy.

How about you?

- How about me what?
- Never mind.

I would've dropped
him at the terminal.

Cross your heart?

This isn't bad.

You always this much fun
this early in the morning?

You're gonna die wondering.

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