Moonlight (2007–2008): Season 1, Episode 1 - No Such Thing as Vampires - full transcript

Mick St. John, thank
you for joining us tonight.

You're welcome.

So, what's it like
being a vampire?

Being a vampire sucks.

It's a bad joke, I
know, but it's the truth.

So you drink blood?

Why, are you offering?
I'm just kidding.

Yeah, I have a guy.

- You mean like a dealer?
- Yeah, like a dealer.

- So you never bite anybody?
- No, no.

Unless they really ask for it.



- You sleep in a coffin?
- No, that's an old wives' tale.

I sleep in a freezer.

And while we're on the
subject, garlic is tasty on pizza.

- Does it repel you?
- Repels my dates sometimes.

Toss holy water
on me, I get wet.

Crucifixes? Okay, if
you like that kind of thing.

Oh, and I definitely
can't turn into a bat.

That'd be cool
though, wouldn't it?

What about daylight?

Daylight's not good.
Daylight's not good.

The longer I'm in the
sun, the worse I feel.

- You don't burst into flames?
- Not if I can help it.

How do you kill a vampire?
Wooden stake, I'm guessing.

No, a wooden stake won't kill a vampire.
Flamethrower would kill a vampire.



Or we can lose our
head. I mean, literally.

Other than that, we heal.

You seem like a very nice guy,
but don't vampires kill people?

Most vampires don't have
boundaries or rules, but I do.

I don't hunt women,
I don't hunt children.

I don't hunt innocents, but there's
predators who need to be dealt with.

Is that why you became
a private investigator?

It's a way to use
my special abilities.

Any advice for the vampire
wannabes out there?

Yeah. Stay out of my way.

I often wonder what
it would be like...

if I had the opportunity
to explain myself.

But that's just a fantasy.

Here's the reality.

You sleep alone.

You keep your secrets hidden.

Oh, yeah, and here's what
a dinner party looks like.

I know. I know.

Everyone says
they're open-minded.

Everyone tries to accept people
who are different from them.

But the truth is, people don't react well
when they find out that you're undead.

And the other thing
you've got to deal with?

When you live forever, the
past always catches up with you.

Like all good detective
stories, this one starts with a girl.

A promising life cut tragically
short. Tonight, a killer is on the loose.

Well, technically, two girls,
and one of them is already dead.

This is Beth Turner
for Buzzwire. Cut.

- Really, I was okay?
- Yeah, total Amanpour.

No one would even know
it was your first webcast.

- We gotta get a shot of the body.
- Cops won't let anyone get close.

I'm not leaving
without my money shot.

- God, did I just say that?
- Yes.

- I've become a news whore overnight.
- Not overnight.

Lieutenant Carl.

- Carl, what can you tell me?
- Let's see, Beth, nothing.

Come on, I was first on scene.

Who fed you the location
on the 710 Freeway shooter?

All right, fine. We think she's
a Hearst College student.

She had their mascot tattooed on
a very discreet part of her anatomy.

Front or back?

Not these guys. Get
these cameras out of here.

Get these cameras out of here, move it.
- Lieutenant...

When you've been
around as long as I have...

you think that nothing
can surprise you anymore.

But that was before tonight.

Before I saw her
walking barefoot...

through a freezing
fountain at 2 in the morning.

Beth.

Step away from the body.

"Murder on Melrose." No.

"Southland student slain." Eh.

Vampire. Something
with "vampire" in it.

Do I know you?

You tell me.

- You're a cop, right?
- No.

- Reporter?
- Nope.

We've met before.
You look very familiar.

Well, maybe I've just
got one of those faces.

Okay.

Question: What
do you like better?

- "Vampire slaying rocks L.A..."
- There's no such thing as vampires.

I don't think the girl in
the fountain would agree.

I mean...

Come on, Beth. The body's gone.

Cops packed up hours ago, okay?

- What are we doing here?
- Looking for the girl's car.

Right, how do we
know she didn't walk?

Nobody walks in L.A.

Here we go. "Hearst
College parking permit."

Did you get any good photos?

Oh, yeah, Doug. I'm
looking at it right here.

I need you to check
on that parking decal.

- I can't deal right now.
- Don't worry about it. I'll call them.

Two hundred thousand unique
visitors on your vampire story...

and we posted less
than 24 hours ago.

The vampire angle was genius.

- Did you come up with that?
- Yeah, it just came to me.

Very nice.

Get me some science
on this, an expert.

Now, I wanna blow this
thing up. Make it seem real.

Are there "vampires" among
us? I'm letting you run with this.

What's your next move?

Steve got the dead girl's
address from her parking permit.

- I think I'll look around.
- Don't think, go.

Mama needs fresh content.

You don't get to change the rules of
the game after the game has started.

And that goes for your silent
South American partners too.

My position is simple.

Okay, I'm short the Shanghai
A-shares and that was a guaranteed deal.

Guaranteed. Hey, buddy,
let me get rid of this guy.

My best friend Josef. One
of the oldest vampires in L.A.

Four hundred going on 30.

Living...

Well, unliving proof that
paranoia never goes out of style.

Any default and I would not be
sleeping so snugly if I were you.

These people are
unbelievable. No integrity.

Oh, you don't like veiled
threats? Then how about this?

Screw me, and I will
personally come down there...

and cut your heart out, okay?

It's the only thing
they understand.

Oh, well, that sounds good.

And my best to the family.

You look good. Been
working out? Little bit, huh?

Have you seen the news?

This terrible thing in West
Hollywood? It's everywhere.

- "Vampire slaying rocks L.A."
- Yeah, it doesn't look good for us.

It's a threat to our secrecy.
What is this, the 1720s?

We don't leave bodies lying around.
Now we have to be extra vigilant.

We live in an age of
fingerprint scans, DNA tests...

- Josef, relax.
- I am relaxed.

This is relaxed. You're only 90.

You've never been chased by
a torch-bearing mob. Hungry?

- Would you care for a liquid refreshment?
- No, thank you.

Are you sure? She's
delicious. '82 was a good year.

Oh, we went to the
Super Bowl in '82, right?

Lost a million bucks on
Cincinnati that year, right?

- Except for that.
- Yeah.

You're fooling yourself if you think
you can exist on that retail blood forever.

- I do all right.
- Yeah, for now.

You're fighting a losing battle.

Okay? Sooner or later, your inner
vampire is gonna demand to be fed.

And then what?

- Goodbye, Josef.
- Goodbye.

My guy at the morgue, Guillermo,
deals in information and blood.

Tonight, I needed both.

- Hey, Mick, what can I do you for?
- Drinking on the job?

- Forty or six-pack?
- Give me a sixer.

Oh, thirsty boy, huh?

I don't know why you like
this A-positive so much.

The O-positive has
got a much better finish.

I wanna see the girl they
found at the design center.

Yeah, I figured you would.

- There's no smell of vampire on her.
- I noticed.

- Carotid artery's been severed.
- How much blood loss?

She exsanguinated. At 40
percent loss, the heart stops.

A vampire would
have drained her.

Those aren't bite
marks. They're too clean.

Plus there's impact
trauma around the wound.

- Her neck was punctured by something.
- Call me if you get anything else.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Because
I work for you, right?

I didn't intend to
end up a do-gooder.

For the longest time, I
was like most people.

Just kind of looking
out for myself.

Then 22 years ago, I took a
case that changed my life forever.

Mr. St. John? Please, help me.

Someone took my daughter.

Some cases really
sucker-punch you.

You think you know what
you're getting into, then, wham.

The police have nothing.
It's been two days.

Whether it's a missing
child or a murdered coed...

victims always leave a trail.

You just have to find it.

The cops had been at the dead
girl's apartment since morning.

I'd been waiting since 6.
Looks like I wasn't the only one.

Ouch.

- You were at the crime scene.
- Easy with the Mace, okay?

- Stay back.
- I'm not gonna hurt you.

You're not gonna hurt me?

- How do I know you're not the killer?
- Well, because I'm not killing you.

Okay, if you're
not the killer...

And let's go with that
because that's comforting.

What are you doing here?

- I'm a private investigator.
- Let me see your credentials.

"Mick St. John"?

Who are you working for?

Falls under my client
confidentiality agreement.

Don't you wanna know
who I am and what I'm doing?

You're Beth Turner.
You work for Buzzwire.

It's entertaining.

Excuse me, it's not
just entertainment.

It's hard-hitting,
investigative...

- Okay, a bit of sleaze.
- Probably the best.

- Best what?
- Thing they have.

Oh, thanks.

Let me see.

I saw something just
like it in the victim's car.

Look, same exact thing.
I've been researching it.

Egyptian hieroglyphic. The
insignia for an ancient blood cult.

Right. Blood cult.

So we're talking vampires?

I know, they don't exist.

But something has to explain
all the killing and the goth-o-rama.

I mean, obviously, she
had a thing for vampires.

Yeah, I guess
they're back in style.

Some people actually
find them attractive.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- What is it?
- Blood.

We should get
that to the police.

Hey, honey.

Josh, I'm in the middle of
something. Can I call you back?

Okay. Bye.

Stop doing that.

Nine out of 10 murders, the
killer is someone the victim knew.

That's why I wasn't about
to miss Kelly Foster's funeral.

Too bad funerals always
take place during the day.

That glance in the grave
always puts everyone on edge.

But when it's murder,
keep your eyes open.

You're gonna see
more than just tears.

Thank you.

Thanks for ditching
me the other night.

I knew you'd be all
right. You're resourceful.

Kelly was a bright
and promising student...

and we all mourn her loss.

Christian Ellis, he was Kelly's
social-anthropology professor.

We inhabit our physical bodies
for what we call a lifetime...

but death holds no dominion.

Kelly Foster lives
as our sister in blood.

I'm guessing the emos
with the black roses...

are part of his Mythology
Studies program.

- Did your homework.
- Which I am sharing with you.

Your turn. Where's
the blood vial?

You took a vial of blood
from Kelly's apartment.

I want it.

Son of a bitch!

Chloe, Chloe, Chloe.

Hey, hey.

- We still love you, you know that.
- Oh, shut up.

A whiff of fresh blood on the
air, blood I'd smelled before.

- You okay?
- I'm okay.

Lot of angry people.

- Angry people make good suspects.
- And dangerous ones.

Don't worry, I'll
look out for you.

We should divvy them up.
Two can cover more ground.

I work alone.

A girl's dead. I'm
not letting this go.

- You're kind of pushy, aren't you?
- You'll get used to it.

Start with the professor.
I'll take his young attacker.

Wait, what about my vial?

Get it to the police so
they can analyze it...

find out whose blood it is.

It's the professor's.

What's going on with you
and Professor Ellis, Chloe?

What do you mean?

Well, you tried slicing the
guy open at the funeral today.

Christian's a Svengali.

He, like, brainwashed Kelly
with all this literary crap...

about vampires and
sex and dark desires.

- He runs a vampire study
group. BETH: Study group?

It's a cult.

- What goes on there?
- The usual clichés.

Chanting, candles,
blood drinking.

- They drink blood?
- Oh, yeah.

- Christian thinks he's a vampire.
- A real vampire?

A lot of girls believe him.
He's got a lot of disciples.

- Were you a disciple?
- Yeah, I was in.

In fact, I was the one who
told Kelly she should join.

- Big mistake that was.
- What happened?

She was all over Christian.
Totally fed into his crap.

- And you didn't?
- Yeah, I did.

He's really powerful, seductive.

Makes you feel special.

- But you weren't?
- No.

- And that made you jealous of Kelly?
- Yeah, and pissed off.

And, no, I didn't kill her, if
that's what you wanna know.

Go write your stupid little
vampire story someplace else.

When I was turned into a vampire,
all my senses were heightened to 1 1.

For God's sakes, you're
giving me a headache.

I'm able to smell the
past, glimpse the future.

- Not now, I have class.
- Oh, when should we discuss this?

When another one of your
students turns up dead?

I can hear a marriage going down
the drain from a hundred yards.

- I had nothing to do with that.
- Is that what we're telling people?

You tell them whatever
the hell you want.

Hi. Is Professor
Ellis home, please?

- He's not here.
- Oh.

I'm sorry to disturb you.
I didn't mean to bother.

Something I can help
you with, Mister...?

St. John. Mick St. John.
I'm a private investigator.

- This is about the dead girl.
- Yes, I'm looking into the case.

This must be very difficult for you.
How about I come back another time?

What do you wanna know?

There was a time when
Christian was a serious academic.

He has a Ph.D. in
Mythological Anthropology.

He published every year.
But now he has other interests.

Like Kelly Foster?

Among others.

These girls are so young
and impressionable.

- I used to be that way myself.
- Me too.

Christian can be very
charming, like a snake.

Oh, he's a vampire, by the way.

- I don't know if you knew that.
- I did not.

At least that's what he tells
them when he seduces them...

in the basement
of Chandler Hall.

Mrs. Ellis, do you think your
husband killed Kelly Foster?

- The girl had a bite in her neck, right?
- Right.

He's the only vampire I know.

We have all fed on blood.
Every one of you in this room.

Everyone on this earth.

In the womb, our
first meal is blood.

We feed in darkness.

There is no time.

There is no life.
There is no death.

It is a perfect world.

Seemingly everlasting.

Until we are ripped from
the womb into daylight.

When we are born,
that paradise is lost...

and we spend the rest of our
days trying to find our way back.

Back to that perfect world
of blood and darkness.

That's enough for tonight.

But remember to take this truth
with you to your everyday lives.

We are all vampires,
every last one of us.

I will see you all next week.

- That was an amazing lecture.
- Thank you.

Hey, I'm Kate Nelson. I just
transferred down from Berkeley.

Welcome.

I read your book, The
Mythology of Darkness.

Well, that's more than I can
say for a lot of my students.

I think it's really interesting, the
vampire as metaphor for desire.

The thirst for blood is
symbolic of a deeper hunger.

A hunger to connect.

You did read my book, huh?

Do you think I could
audit your class?

Well, my lectures are pretty popular,
but I'm sure we can squeeze you in.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

I know I'm a month behind.

Is there a syllabus I could get
started on or some way to catch me up?

Well, I do have a study group for
some of my more motivated students.

I'm really motivated.

Daniel?

This is Daniel, my TA.

- Daniel, this is Kate...
- Nelson.

Kate Nelson, I'm sorry.

- Would you take down her information?
- Sure.

I have to get going.

- Hi. Study group, huh?
- Sounds intriguing.

- So how do we get ahold of you?
- 310...

Somewhere in the city,
a killer is on the loose.

Josef wants me to hunt
him to keep our secret safe.

I just wanna make sure
he doesn't do it again.

You don't have to be a
vampire to get a taste for blood.

- You startled me.
- I'm Mick St. John.

Right. My wife mentioned
you came by the house.

You're looking into
Kelly Foster's death.

Murder.

Do you mind if I ask
who you're working for?

I'm working for Kelly.

Well, then I wanna
help in any way I can.

She was an extraordinary girl.

And I... I truly cared for her.

So there was a relationship?

I already told the police
everything. I have nothing to hide.

If I did, do you think
I'd be talking to you?

That piece is over 500 years
old, from the reign of Sigismund I.

The sign of Velnius, a
Lithuanian vampire god.

Vampire god, huh?

That's interesting. Kelly Foster showed
up dead with two bite marks in her neck.

Someone's trying to make it look
as if I had something to do with it.

Because you keep telling
people you're a vampire.

- I am a vampire.
- Really?

Well, not in the way most commonly
portrayed in dime-store novels.

When people hear the word "vampire,"
they immediately conjure up an image...

of some undead monstrosity
running around at night...

trying to drink human blood.

I hate that.

A real vampire is simply a
person born with the ability...

to absorb and
manipulate pranic energy.

- "Prana" is a Hindi word meaning...
- Life force.

Yes, very good.

Real vampires have a
critical energy imbalance.

So we must seek out
pranic energy and absorb it.

Couldn't you just have a
double espresso or something?

Fresh blood has a very
high pranic-energy content.

Hence, the blood
link to vampires.

But when done correctly,
a pranic ceremony...

can have salutary effects
for both participants.

So tell me something, professor.
Do the salutary effects kick in...

before or after the
sex with your students?

I think we're through talking.

Oh, thanks.

If one of the killers you put
away wanted to get even...

they'd wait for the cochinita
pibil to go on special.

"Vampire slaying rocks L.A."?

- Publicity spawns tips, Carl.
- Yeah, and copycats.

Don't be mad, I
gave you the vial.

- And it's inadmissible.
- Did you have it analyzed?

Was it from a person of interest?
The professor of darkness?

- You have his DNA on file?
- Look, he volunteered.

- A DNA swab during his first interview.
- Cooperative.

Yeah, that's what they
always want you to think.

- What do you have on Chloe Jones?
- You talked to her?

- She seems a little edgy.
- She should be.

We found a stalking harassment
complaint filed against her.

- Filed by?
- Kelly Foster.

Chloe said they
were best friends.

Were. We found a blood
pendant in Chloe's apartment.

They were both sleeping
with the professor.

Come on, threesomes
never end well.

- Huh?
- Don't ask.

It's about time you got back.

- Make yourself at home.
- I did, and poured myself a drink.

You seriously drink this stuff? What
is it, like, nonfat, soy vegan blood?

- If you don't like it...
- I didn't say that.

- Are you sure?
- Get out of here.

I assume you don't
have any freshies around?

Yeah, of course not.

Am I supposed to know
why you're here, Josef?

It is possible that there is a core
truth behind the vampire myth.

Perhaps there are people with
certain genetic predispositions...

who actually could
require and digest blood.

The vampire experts. Beautiful.

We got the food mouthing
off about the farmer.

The whole city is talking.

You wanna know what
they're talking about? Us.

- So it's a slow news day.
- No, that's not it.

It's the reporter from Buzzwire.
She started this killer-vampire thing.

- A Beth somebody.
- Turner.

You know her?

We did some breaking
and entering together.

- Well, you must get her to stop.
- What do you mean?

Like she's driving along
and her car explodes?

I was thinking you ask her
nicely, but fielder's choice.

- Killer's not a vampire, Josef.
- There were bite marks.

- Two stab wounds.
- What, and the blood?

Well, you hit an artery, you're
bound to get some of that.

You're telling me some
poseur drinking blood...

out of a Snoop Dogg
chalice is behind this?

- Yeah, something like that.
- Hm.

- Why haven't you killed him?
- There's more than one suspect.

So kill them all.
That's what I would do.

Hey, look, I know you have morals
and scruples and that's fine, sort of.

But you're not the man
I pretend to respect...

if you don't get
this under control.

Hey, you have a soft
spot for the mortal ones.

A fascination with things they do while
listening to the tick of their own demise.

Fine, everyone needs a hobby.

People aren't gonna suddenly believe in
vampires because of a Buzzwire article.

Are you willing
to take that risk?

If everyone has vampires on their
mind, suddenly things get noticed.

- We get noticed.
- I said I'm on this.

Good. If that reporter
finds out who we are...

she gets a Pulitzer, we
join the list of extinct species.

- We're on the same side.
- Sorry, not questioning your loyalties.

- Yeah, good.
- Yeah.

Vampire solidarity,
rah-rah-rah and all that.

Don't forget, I'm your only friend who
doesn't like you just for your money.

That's true. Sad, but true.

We're closed.

Oh, it's you.

That's not funny.

Why are you wearing
that stupid thing, anyway?

Take it off. You're really
starting to freak me out.

Did you hear me?

Relationships are complicated.

Vampire or mortal, that's
one thing we have in common.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, here's what
I don't understand.

I'm fine. How are you?

How did you know the
blood was the professor's?

- You're saying it wasn't?
- No, it was.

He gave the police a DNA
sample and it matched.

So you must have a source
in the department, right?

No, but obviously, you do.

So, what did you
find out about Chloe?

She's got a few
anger-management issues.

Turns out our murder victim...

got a restraining order against
her a couple months ago.

What's her deal? The
professor toss her aside?

Yeah, but murder?

Check her out.

- Let me know what you think.
- Okay.

- What about the wife?
- Well, she knows her husband's a snake.

- The professor...
- What?

- He thinks he's a vampire.
- Yeah, I know.

- I attended his so-called class.
- You what?

I also managed to wrangle
an invite to his study group.

- That's not a good idea.
- What are they gonna do?

Kill a newcomer
to get extra credit?

I just think you should be careful.
Don't let the professor get you alone.

I'll be careful.

Good.

You look so familiar. Are you
sure we haven't met before?

- Yeah, twice now.
- No, someplace else.

I guess I've just got...

One of those faces.
I know, you said.

I should go.

Sometimes, the past
doesn't just catch up with you.

It haunts you.

It makes you think
about your choices.

On that night, 22 years ago...

It's all right.

I followed a trail.

I'm here. It's all right.

Found the girl.

And came face to face with the
woman who'd made me a monster.

Coraline.

I knew you would come.

Here we are, Mick.

Finally, one happy family.

Forever is a long time
with an ex-wife like mine.

That's right. With new
details constantly...

You're taking a long
time putting that mike on.

I'm just trying to get
it exactly right here.

Does that include feeling me up?

You're going into the
vampire's lair, okay?

- I wanna make sure this mike works.
- I'll be fine.

I don't know about that.

So exclusive infiltration of
a college sex-and-blood cult.

Man, this story just
keeps getting better.

A girl's dead. This
is an important story.

Yeah, doesn't
mean we can't milk it.

There goes a real humanitarian.

Chloe?

Chloe?

Chloe.

Beth.

- Where are we going, exactly?
- Don't worry, it's all part of the ritual.

Ritual? I thought it
was a study group.

Yeah. You'll see.

Seriously? The
ritual's in a boiler room?

Hi, you've reached Beth Turner.

I'm unable to answer
your call right now...

so please leave a message, and
I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

The spiritual, sexual vampire...

lurks between the
lines of Sanskrit tablets.

Numerous cultures of
antiquity believed that blood...

was the vital element in the
lovemaking and life-giving process.

All these ancient texts can be
categorized in a number of ways.

But what's most important to
us is the spirit of these texts.

Not the letter.

Hi, Kate.

So the ancient tantric practice
of using sexual intercourse...

to transform one's sexual energy
into blissful consciousness...

speaks to that issue perfectly.

Well, I think that's
enough for tonight.

I will see you all next week.

Blood is my life
and my life is blood.

Born into light,
we seek the dark.

Thank you.

Kate.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Seems I missed it. I thought
I was to be here at 11.

Well, this is your
first session...

and I like to get a little
one-on-one time with my students.

- Okay.
- So let's go back and talk.

Don't be shy.

Hold out your hands above mine.

Right above mine.

Just like that.

We are only now rediscovering
what the ancients knew.

We are simply energy. We
both radiate and absorb it.

Concentrate on your hands.

Do you feel that?

Uh, maybe.

It takes a little practice.

Close your eyes...

and concentrate.

Feel your yonic
energy balancing mine.

You do this long enough and
our hearts will synchronize.

Are you kidding me?
This actually works for you?

What do you have under there?

Huh?

- What do you have under there?
- Get your hands off me.

Get off.

Are you recording this?
Who are you? Answer me.

Where's the
recorder? Give it to me.

Kate, you all right?
What happened?

I need to call the police.
Do you have a cell phone?

Yeah, in my car.

- Where is she?
- Who?

- Your new student, where is she?
- No idea.

What do you think...?

I don't have a lot of time.

I know she was here,
man. I can smell her on you.

And you're gonna
tell me where she is.

She just left.

But you can't be real.

That's right, professor.

Because there's no
such things as vampires.

- Why are you doing this?
- You wouldn't understand.

- I might.
- Christian's a prophet.

His teachings reveal the truth
about our vital pranic energy.

We must absorb this
energy, preserve it.

Not waste it on women.

Without these distractions,
Christian can fulfill his true destiny.

- What destiny?
- Hey, hey.

I'm not gonna let you hurt her.

You shouldn't have done that.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- You're not gonna do this.
- It'll work, Mick.

You, me and baby.

No, I'm not gonna
let you hurt that girl.

I can't let you.

Come on.

I'm gonna take you home.

Good girl.

The last time I held her in
my arms, she was only a child.

Over the years, I tried to
stay close, just out of sight.

In case she needed
me. And tonight, she did.

It's all right.

- You're with me.
- You saved me.

From a graduate student
in Mythological Studies.

- Didn't exactly take Superman.
- No, that's not what I meant.

I mean, when I was little.

When I was taken.

You got a really nasty
bump on your head tonight.

- You probably just need to...
- He stabbed you.

- He sure tried.
- I saw the knife come out.

You need to get some rest.

I'm gonna take you home. Okay?

Sixty years is a long time to
deny yourself the touch of another.

But you do it.

Because you just
can't bear the thought...

of seeing yourself as a
monster in someone else's eyes.