Moone Boy (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Stags and Hens - full transcript

Spring had finally sprung in Boyle,

bringing with it slightly lighter rain,

off-grey clouds and a tiny reduction
Lemsip usage.

But to fill the gap,
the whole Moone house

was infected with matrimonial fever

Is this wedding not over yet?
When do we get cake?

Fidelma's big day was a week away

and the bride-to-be was a sprightly
eight months pregnant.

Although, judging by her appetite,
Martin suspected that this baby

was, in fact some kind of
giant tapeworm...

Which would soon emerge
to wreak havoc on them all



Stop feeding me pasta!
I'm intolerant to gluten!

Perfect!

- What's this for?
- A hen party.

Pink tops. Mad. We'll all wear them.
It'll be gas.

We're having a hen party?

- But I kind of have plans.
- Eating isn't plans, love.

I think you're right, Delma. There's no
need for all these silly old rituals.

Hen parties, weddings...

Will you stop? I'm marrying Dessie.

I just want you to know
there's no pressure.

Ireland's changing. It's the '90s.
Nobody cares if you're married or not.

There's no prejudices, no stigmatas.
We're an enlightened people now.

A bunch of travellers moved next door.
Just had a big friendly fight with them.

- What?
- Travellers!



- Travellers?
- Tractors!

Sorry, it was hard to hear down there.
Is the big tapeworm gone?

Travellers!

Wow. Real travellers.

I wonder what faraway lands
they've travelled from.

Yeah.
Oh, they're license plate says Limerick.

Do you think they speak English?

Um...

Kind of.

Do you want a lift, girls?
I've remixed the drive-to-school album.

Added a 10-minute tambourine solo
that will blow your mind.

Oh, actually, uh, smoking.

Don't wanna hurt the baby.

Good thinking. How about you, Sinead?

I'm, uh, second-hand smoking
which could also hurt the baby.

You're the best aunties ever.

So long, dudes.

Everyone, this is Majella,

who's joining us
from the traveller community.

So, please make her feel very welcome,
all right?

Yes, Sister.

Not a gypsy.

Now, everyone sit quietly until
Ms Tansey returns from the water closet.

I really like her earrings.

She's got attitude.

I like it. She looks dangerous.

So, where are you travelling to?

- Huh?
- Like, what's your final destination?

- Don't have one.
- Now, that's real freedom, buddy.

Look at her. She's like a wild boar.

Just running free, snuffling truffles.

Actually, I think
those are Padraic's Rancheros.

Thanks for the crisps.

What's mine is yours.

Sorry, I'm late for rehearsals, dudes.

Had to drop the old mother and child
off at school. I'm like Joseph.

Except, I did actually impregnate her.

- Morning, Dessie.
- Ah! Morning, Father.

Listen. Just a quick query about next
week regarding the wedding party.

It's going to be some party, all right.

Yes. But just in terms
of the people involved.

Now, Delma's sister, Trish,
is maid of honour,

but I've no details for your side.

Eh, do you have anybody in mind
for best man?

Well, actually, I was kind of hoping

you might do me the honour yourself,
Father.

Excuse me?

Will you be my best man?

- Me?
- Well, we are best buds.

Are we?

You didn't know we were best friends?

What, no, no...
I knew that we were best friends.

It's just...

We've never actually met
outside of the church.

We've had some good times in here,
all right.

We have. Mad, mad times.

The thing is... I'm doing the Mass.

I'm marrying you. I can't be best man...

Ah, Father,
it's just a bit of multi-tasking.

You're well able for it.

Sure, Jesus was a leader.
But he was also a carpenter, wasn't he?

I know my best man won't let me down.

Or my priest.

Or my best-man-priest.

All right, peeps. Let's hit it.

♪ Your own, personal Jesus ♪

Look, I'm sure this will
all work out fine.

Right!

Nice to have a bit
of multi-culturalism in the area.

The main thing is not to make
a big hoo-ha out of it.

I mean, we're not those kind
of stuck up people.

Exactly.

What's Martin's bike doing inside?

Oh, that's just in case it rains.

Yeah, good idea. It's not rust-proof.

Hmm.

- Is the lawn mower rust-proof?
- No. I'll bring that in, too.

No, Majella, we talked about this.
The dog can't come in the school.

Tato goes everywhere with me.

Yes. But, not to school, Majella.
Tato will have to stay at your house.

- Don't have a house.
- Um, that's right.

Well, whatever you have, then.

Ha-ha! You've no house.

No. But, I have a gun.

Ah, don't mind them, Majella.

Travellers have always had to deal
with the ignorance of laypeople.

- That's right.
- I bet Columbus got teased a lot,

before he discovered Australia.

Africa!

Thanks, Moone.

That's some good groundwork, big shot.

Of all the useless fields in Roscommon,

they end up picking the one
next to your house.

- This is it.
- In a way, it's flattering.

- Aye, in a way. Yeah.
- Such a rich history.

- The travelling community.
- Such a rich history, you're right.

Their traditions and their language
and stuff.

I mean, I respect it all so much.

- So much.
- I almost respect it too much.

- Me, too.
- Me, too. Yeah.

So, are you going to wait until they're
out and then burn down the caravans?

What?

- No!
- Bet that's what ends up happening.

- He's right.
- They burn them down.

No, no, no, lads.
I'm really fine with them being there.

I mean, who cares
if it's not their land?

Free land is for the free.

Who am I to stop the travelling man
from sowing his seed?

- Yeah. He's right.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Are you going to call the cops
on them, though?

Oh, God, I'd love to, but I'm just
afraid they'd find out it was me.

Jesus Christ.

Hello. Is that the Guards? Yeah. Listen.

A bunch of travellers
are after moving into a field

beside Liam Moone's house,

who I'm unacquainted with,
but something has to be done about it.

- That's right, Liam. Put your foot down.
- Is that you, Liam?

No, this is an anonymous caller.

I haven't talked to you in yonks.

How's things?
Are you still playing the handball?

You had such a natural talent for it.

Oh, thanks, Pat. No!

- He nearly gave it away.
- No, this isn't Mr Moone.

This is a concerned citizen.

- I don't even...
- Man of a thousand voices, isn't he?

- I'm foreign person.
- Oh, you're from Galway or something?

Hey, Liam.

No, I'm Portuguese.

- How we doing, Father?
- Ah, good, good.

Just seeing if Liam's free
tomorrow night.

I can't tell you my name
'cause it's an anonymous call.

I'm doing a "stags" party for Dessie.
We're a bit short on stags.

I'm sure he'd be well up for that.

Oh, really? Oh, great.

- Okay, my name is Julio.
- Oh, Julio, that's a nice name.

What about yourselves?
Will you come, too?

Will there be free drink?

There will be a certain amount
of free drink, yes.

- There with bells on, Father.
- God bless you.

Well, just get rid of the fecking
travellers, then, all right?

Making prank calls, Liam?

No, Father. We were just calling the...

Yeah, he was just calling the...

Some, eh, some sex lines.

Oh, right. Anyway, I'd better go.
See you tomorrow, stags.

All right, see you then, Father.

Wait, what?

So, the priest is going to be
his best man.

So, bridesmaids, beware.

- Where's the sugar?
- The hen night is going to be a hoot.

Linda's hired The Chicken Dales.

- You mean, The Chippendales.
- Nah. We can't afford them.

The Chicken Dales
are some part-time strippers

from the slaughter house in Castlerea.

Why is there a wheel barrow
in my bedroom?

Was that not always there?

Wait. This whole place is filled
with stuff from outside.

Well, we're just trying
a new laundry system.

Ever since the travellers moved in,
you've been emptying out the garden.

Yeah...

Because tornado season has started.

- It's a temperate climate, old man.
- Bloody school.

So, why is our back garden
completely empty?

- OMFG.
- OMFG?

Open my flipping guts!
There's a donkey in our back garden.

What?

Why is there a lawn mower
in my wardrobe?

Now, you listen to me, mister.
My garden is not a bloody petting zoo.

I know my rights, and they include
not living next to a fecking dump!

Who's mumbling out here?

Holy... Uh, I'm Liam Moone, uh...
This is my place next door.

- Signs fellow?
- Yeah.

- That's your employee there?
- Oh, yeah.

No, he's all fingers and thumbs.

I found him in my back garden
and I thought I'd bring him back to you.

Fair dos.

- She's not ours, though.
- She's not?

- Are you sure?
- That's our donkey there.

Who needs two donkeys?

Especially a boy and a girl,
they'd always be at it, huh.

Right.

Pigs are here, John-Joe!

No, no, no.

- How are you, Guard?
- Oh, yeah, Mr Moone.

Did you not hear? The Village People
gang bang is next week.

- Always funny, John-Joe.
- Who's joking?

We've had a call about an illegal
land occupancy in this field.

A call from who?

Oh, an anonymous Iberian.

Bloody snitches!

Who's the owner of the land?

- James Reid.
- Reid-o the Paedo called from San Diego?

- That seems unlikely.
- Well...

You have no problem with us being here,
do you, Mr Poster-man.

Me? Not in the least!

- Well, that's fine then.
- Great. I'll see you soon.

And there's no problems from your side,
no?

No, not really. To be honest, we're no
huge fans of Reid-o the Paedo, either.

Great. Great.

That's bloody brilliant then. Yeah.
All sorted.

See you next week, so.
Don't forget your Red Indian friend.

Oh, the gang bang thing, yeah,
that's a good one.

All sorted.

This is your life line,
and this is your fortune line.

I thought that was from when Sinead
cut me for pinching her fig roll.

And this is your love line.

- How's that looking?
- Well, it's barely started, has it?

From the tiniest acorns
grow the biggest...

- Is that snot?
- Uh...

- No, I'm sure that's not.
- It looks like snot.

- Yes, it certainly does.
- Lunch is almost over.

I, uh... I got to go get Tato
from the canteen.

Do something, Martin!

Majella, wait!

It's not my snot.

Oh, wait, that's more disgusting,
isn't it?

Well, this must be the most original
place to ever start a stag night, huh?

I beg to differ.

H Block, Strangeways, 1974.

A prison stag? What was that like?

The fight was brilliant.

- The strippers were ropey, though.
- Right.

The very men! Shh! Follow me, lads.

He thinks I'm still in there.

Last night, when I messed up
the flower dress.

And Tuesday, I took the Lord's name
in vain when I stalled the greener.

And, well, because of Fidelma's situ,

and my urges,

last night when I was alone,
I took advantage of meself.

Surprise!

Oh, my word!
I thought you were still in...

I left ages ago.

- That's unsettling.
- This is your stag party.

We'll give you five Hail Marys
and 10 Bloody Marys.

Oh, yeah!

- Who are you?
- Oh, sorry. Gerry Bonner.

That's Jim Manion and Frank Fahen.

I'll give you 20 Our Fathers
for the cheeky wank.

All right, Frank, all right.

So, you're my stags?

Oh, well... Oh, God, I feel like
the most popular man in Boyle.

Listen, I thought we'd kick things off
with a quick Mass.

- A Mass?
- Yeah.

A stag Mass. Men only!

Better get started, lads.
Padraic's on the clock.

Jail stag's a lot better
than this shite.

I'll be up in a minute.
Waiting for this carrot cake to kick in.

Speaking of carrot,
how big is Dessie's?

- Don't answer that, Delma.
- I wasn't going to.

- What time are The Chicken Dales due?
- Oh, I'd say about ten minutes, ladies.

Right. Whose turn is it to go
under the party pants?

I think it's Fidelma's,
but maybe she needs a minute.

That was a reading
from the jolly Book of Judges.

- Thanks be to God.
- Thanks be to God.

That piece of scripture,
where the tale of Samson is described

reminds me
of when a certain young man...

Here we go!

...got a particularly
bad haircut one time.

Sweet Lord! What's happening now?

I think he's giving us
his best man sermon.

It wasn't so much his strength
that he lost, as his sense of style.

I know exactly, though,
what he means.

I mean,
you could just go over there, buddy.

Say what?

"Hi, I'm Martin.
Does anyone need any snot?"

No, no.
Look, they're having a bonfire.

Do you have marshmallows?

You know I always have marshmallows.

Well, go spread your sugar love,
little fella.

♪ Know where you got the notion ♪

Oh, yeah, baby.

- All right, lads. Bit of bad news.
- You're putting this song on, again?

- The Chicken Dales cancelled.
- Shut the up!

There was a bad accident
at the slaughter house.

One of the lads was choking the chicken.

- I'm going to kill myself.
- Look! Maybe, we could go into town.

I bet there's a bouncer
at Rockin' Robin's.

We could all get dolled up and go disco.

Dolled up?

Would your brother strip for cash?

So, we're doing homework.

I'm behind in geography.
I'm really sorry.

- You can head home if you want to.
- No, no, it's just...

I saw the bonfire, and I thought...

There's bonfire every fecking night.

I'm surprised I haven't turned
into a bloody marshmallow.

Do you not like being a traveller?

Yeah, it can be a bit lonely, sometimes.

I'm worried Tato will get lost
and won't be able to find his way home.

But you're like one of those explorers
looking for the Spice Islands.

Like some sort of Spice Girl!

If you can imagine such a thing.

Majella, you're like a lady version
of Marco Polo.

Like Magellan.

Who?

Come on, lads!
The marshmallows are on!

Feck's sake.

Oh, good times.

Means a lot to me that you
came out tonight, Liam.

I, uh, wouldn't have missed it.

And you, too, Liam's friends.

I didn't think I was allowed inside
a priest's house since the fire.

Tea and biscuits. The works.

Where's the housekeeper?
I thought all priests had housekeepers.

Maybe in Dallas, they do.

I was thinking we could watch a video.

And there's an old copy
of Grease 2 floating around out there.

What do you think of that, lads?

I'll tell you what, Father,
how about a drinking game?

All right.

I'm sure you have a bottle of something,
left over from a funeral, or...

I think there's a bottle of Cinzano
in the freezer, all right.

Now, we're talking!

- Dessie, grab my Bible.
- Aw...

There's a super drinking game
we used to play in the seminaries.

No, no, no, no, no.

You have to take a shot,
every time the word "begat" is used

and Chronicles is a whore for the begat!

♪ In touch... ♪

You know, I've been thinking.

If you decide to leave this field,
which would be a pity,

I'd like to come with you,
so you won't get lonely.

- You wanna be a traveller?
- Yes!

Wait, can you get carsick on a trailer?

That's a nice thing to say, Martin.

♪ Smell like I sound, I'm lost... ♪

Oh, I've lost him surely.

I've lost the only playboy
in the Western world.

# And I'm hungry

♪ Like the wolf ♪

How are you getting on, Delma?
It's gone past midnight, love.

Here is a lipstick tip, Sinead. Okay.
Boys-wise.

Pink for wink. Red for the bed.
Did you get me?

Taxi's here!

Okay, we're gonna get in the first car,

so I can grease the wheels
with Amy's brother,

and you can follow
with the bride and baby.

Maybe we should stay in.

Yeah. I'll go cut some ham.

She'll be peckish when she wakes.

"And Lamech lived 182 years,

- "And begat..."
- Begat!

"A son and he called his name Noah."

It mentioned Noah.

That means you have to finish
the bottle of wine like it's water.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's if the Lord performs a miracle.

What does Noah mean then?

You have to drown your drink,

and then the next time an animal
is next mentioned

you have to go and get two of them
and bring them back to the house!

Whose turn is it?

I think it's Frank's turn.

Frank! Frank! Frank!

Animals! Animals! Go!

I did that one an hour ago.

Liam, I believe it's you.

All right, Gerry. Hit me with it.

Right. "And so that
he may have an opportunity

"to fall upon us to make slaves
of those... are donkeys!"

- Donkeys!
- Donkeys! Donkeys!

Oh, wait, lads.

I know exactly where I can find
two donkeys.

Mind you, he's a lucky man 'cause he's
just missed out on the locusts.

Intruders!

Call the pigs, Bernadette.
Someone's on our land!

Call them on what?

They're coming from over there!

I heard there might be rain
and these donkeys aren't rust-proof.

It's a very serious matter, Liam.

Listen, uh...

- John-Joe.
- John-Joe!

I feel terrible.

We were just playing a silly stag game

where you have to find two animals.

Uh, Noah's Ark, isn't it?

Yeah! It was actually.

Don't worry, poster boy.
I won't be pressing charges.

- Really?
- Wouldn't be very neighbourly, would it?

Treat thy neighbour as you wish to be
treated yourself, huh?

That's very good of you.

So, uh, you can head home
to your husband, Pat.

Though it's probably past bedtime,
isn't it?

It is, actually.

Listen, John-Joe,
I really appreciate this...

You can let yourself out, Moone!

Oh, you got me, lads.

I knew I shouldn't have fallen asleep,

but seriously, though, will you...
Will you take me down?

I, I think this is
kind of sacrilegious.

Now, this is more like jail stag.