Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 5 - Mr. Neutron - full transcript

The search for Mr. Neutron, who plans to dominate the world, stretches from a London suburb to the Yukon, and results in the destruction of earthly civilization.

Let's bring them out!

Any old iron!

Any old iron!

Thank you.

Any old iron!

Thank you.

Any old iron!

We are here today to witness
the opening of a new box

To replace the box
which used to stand

On the corner of ulverston road
and sandwood crescent.

Owing to a program
of road widening



Being carried out
by the borough council

The ulverston road box
was removed

Leaving the wall box
in esher road

As the only box for the people
of the ulverston road area.

This new box will enable

The people of
the ulverston road area

To post letters, postcards
and small packages

Without recourse
to the esher road box

Or to the box outside the
post office at turner's parade

Which many people used to use

But which has now
been discontinued

Owing to the opening
of this box

And also to the reorganization
of box distribution

Throughout the whole area



Which comes into force with
the opening of the new boxes

At the wyatt road post office
in july.

Nous sommes ici ce matin...

...pour remplacer la boite
qui autrefois etait placee

Au coin d'ulverston road
et sandwood crescent.

Parce que du projet
pour l'elargissement de la rue

Qui fait par
le borough council

La boite d'ulverston road
est remplacee

Et la boite de mur
dans esher road

Est la seule boite pour
les peuples d'ulverston road.

Cette boite nouvelle

Rendra capable
les hommes d'ulverston road

De mettre dans la poste
les lettres, les carte-postales

Et des petit paquets
sans avoir besoin

De la boite de mur
dans esher road

Ou les boites de la
turner's parade bureau de poste

Qui beaucoup des hommes
ont fait usage

Mais que est
maintenant discontinuee...

A perfectly ordinary morning

In a perfectly ordinary
english suburb.

Life goes on
as it has done for years.

But soon this quiet pattern of
life was to change irrevocably.

...en wyatt road le juillet.

Wir sind heute morgen...

The commonplace routine
of a typical monday morning

Would never be the same again

For into this quiet little
community came... mr. neutron.

Mr. neutron--

The most dangerous and
terrifying man in the world

A man with
the strength of an army

The wisdom of
all the scholars in history

The man who had the power
to destroy the world.

No one knows what strange
and distant planet he came from

Or where he was going to.

Wherever he went

Terror and destruction
were sure to follow.

Mr. neutron, the man
whose incredible power

Has made him
the most feared man of all time

Waits for his moment to destroy
this little world utterly.

Then there's stanley,
he's our eldest.

He's a biochemist
in sutton.

He's married
to shirley.

Shirley who used to be
the hairdresser?

Yes, that's right.

I think she's
a lovely person.

Mind you,
my husband doesn't.

He thinks she's a bit, uh, thinks
she's a bit flash.

I hate her.

I hate her guts.

Of course, they come
down on most weekends

So you'll be able
to meet them then.

I'd love to.

Hairdressing is
very interesting.

Oh, yes,
and very important, too.

If you don't care for
your scalp, you get rabies.

Then there's kenneth,
he's our youngest.

Mind you,
he's a bit of a problem...

At least my husband
thinks he is, anyway.

Nasty little
piece of work, he is.

I hate him.

Mind you, the one
we don't hear

Much about nowadays
is karen.

She married a canadian;
he's a dentist.

They live in alberta.

Two lovely children:

Gary who's three,
leslie who's six.

Leslie looks absolutely the spitting
image of karen.

Do you want
to see a photo?

Oh, yes, please.

All right.

They're a couple
of little bastards.

I hate them.

They got eyes
like little pigs

Just like their mother.

She's a disaster...

A really horrible-looking
person, she is.

I thought that one
would stay on the shelf

But along comes this
stupid dentist git.

He's a real creepy
little bastard, he is.

I hate him.

This is a nice area.

It's like a
bloody graveyard.

I hate it.

It's handy
for the shops

And convenient
for the west end.

If you like going
to the west end.

I think it's
a stinking dump.

Meanwhile in washington,
at the headquarters of "fear"

The federal egg
answering room

In reality
a front name for "feeble"

The free world extra-earthly bodies
location and extermination center

All was not well.

Good god! get me
the supreme commander

Of land, sea and air forces...
immediately!

Hello.

This is captain carpenter, sir,
from fear.

You mean feeble?

Yes, sir.

What is it?

Mr. neutron is missing, sir.

Mr. neutron?!
oh, my god!

Okay, surround the entire city.

Send in four waves
of armed paratroopers

With full ground-to-air
missile support.

Alert all air bases,
destroy all roads!

We'll bomb the town flat
if we have to!

Sir, he's not in
washington, sir.

Okay, okay, hold everything,
hold everything!

Hold it, hold it!
lay off, lay off, lay off.

Where is he?

We don't know, sir.

All we know is he
checked out of his hotel

and took a bus to the airport.

All right... I want a full-scale
red alert throughout the world.

Surround everyone
with everything we got.

Mobilize every fighting unit

And every weapon
we can lay our hands on!

I want... I want three
full-scale global nuclear alerts

With every army, navy and air
force unit on eternal standby!

Right, sir!

And introduce conscription!

Yes, sir!

Right!

So the world was in
the grip of fear;

A huge and terrifying crisis
generated by one man

Easily the most dangerous man
the world has ever seen...

Honestly.

Though still biding his time,
he could strike at any moment.

Could he be stopped in time?

Got a bit of work
to do there, then.

Yes, it is a problem.

Mrs. ottershaw
never used to bother...

Then, of course, she was very old;
she was 2o6.

Well, must be going.

If you need a hand,
I'll send frank round.

He could do with
a bit of exercise.

Fat old bastard.

Yes.

Captain carpenter here, sir.

We've been on red alert
now for three days, sir

and still no sign
of mr. neutron.

Have we bombed anywhere?

Have we shown 'em we got teeth?

Oh, yes, sir, we've bombed
a lot of places flat, sir.

Good, good, we don't want
anyone to think we're chicken.

Oh, no, they don't
think that, sir.

Everyone's really
scared of us, sir.

Of us?

Yes, sir!

Of our... power?

Oh, yes, sir!
they're really scared

when they see
those big planes come over.

Wow! I bet they are.

I bet they are.

I bet they're really scared.

Oh, they are, sir.

Do we have any figures
on how scared they are?

Uh, no... no figures, sir,
but they sure were scared.

Ah! but it's not working?

No, sir.

Okay, we'll try another tactic.

We'll try and outsmart
this neutron guy.

Yeah, there's one man I know
who could nail him.

One guy?! that won't frighten
anyone, sir.

He's the most brilliant man
I ever met.

We were in the c.i.a. together.

He's retired now.

He breeds rabbits
up in the yukon.

What's his name, sir?

His name is teddy salad.

"salad" as in...

Lettuces, cucumber, radishes...
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where do I find him, sir?

The yukon.

Oh, and carpenter...

Yes, sir?

Make sure you get
a decent disguise.

Oh, uh, hello,
my name's carpenter.

I'm from the
u.s. government.

Are you
from the army?

No, no, no, no... I'm, uh...
I'm from the ballet.

The u.s. government ballet.

The ballet!

The ballet's
coming here?

Uh... well, maybe.

Oh, that's great!
we love the ballet.

Last year some of us
from yellow river

We got up a party to go and see
the ballet in montreal.

Look, i...
I was wondering...

Oh, we had a
marvelous time.

It was
margot fonteyn

Dancing
les sylphides.

Oh, it was
beautiful.

Look, do you know...

Do you know
how old she is?

Who?

Margot fonteyn.

No.

She's 2o6.

Oh...

Well, look, I hear

There's a u.s. ballet organizer
around these parts

By the name of teddy salad.

You mean the
special agent?

Well... uh...

He's an
ex-cia man;

He's not a
ballet dancer.

Oh, uh, well, I just want to
see him on some ballet business.

Oh, well, you
could try the store.

Oh, thank you.

Hey! could you get us
lionel blair's autograph?

While precious time
was being lost in canada

The seconds were ticking away
for the free world.

Already neutron,
who, you will remember

Is infinitely the most
dangerous man in the world--

He really is--
was gathering allies together.

Try having an omelet
for your evening meal

Perhaps with yogurt
and grapefruit.

Oh, I've tried that.

I once got down to 56 stone
but I couldn't stay like that.

I had to take potatoes
wherever I went.

I used to go to the cinema
with 300-weight of king edwards.

I'd eat them all
before I got out of the toilet.

I had to go on to bread.

What about salad?

Teddy salad?

No, no, no--

Salad as in lettuces,
radishes, cucumber.

You don't like it?

No, I didn't want
to eat a salad.

I wanted
to find out

About a man
called salad.

You are the
first person

To order a salad here
for two years.

All the eskimos eat here
is fish, fish, fish!

We are not
eskimos.

Where's our fish?

We've finished
our fish.

What fish you want today, huh?

Bream.

Bream?!

Where do I get bream
this time of year?

You bloody choosy eskimo pests!

We are not eskimos.

Why don't you like
a nice plate of cannelloni?

Yech! that's not fish.

Oh, I've had my lot
of the arctic circle.

I wish I was back in oldham.

Do any of
you eskimos

Speak english?

We are not eskimos.

I am.

Haddock!

Where?
where?

Do any of you know
a man called salad?

What, salad as in...

Lettuce, cucumbers,
tomatoes-- yeah.

Like you have on your plate?

Yeah, that's right.

No, I'm afraid not.

Where's our fish?

What does this teddy salad do?

Oh, uh... he's a...
he's a hen teaser.

Che cosa? e la stucciacatori
di polli!

No, the only teddy salad
we know is a c.i.a. man.

Oh, uh, he might know.

Where will I find him?

Oh, he lives up
at kipper sound.

Thanks a lot.

Fishy fishy aye-oo!

Um, are you in
international spying, too?

Uh... no, no, no, no.

I'm, uh... I'm with the, uh,
the, uh, the u.s. ballet force.

Who are you with?

Mi6.

But not a word
to the eskimos.

Fishy fishy aye-oo!

Here's your
bloody fish.

Thank you, anouk.

I'm not an eskimo!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hi, I'm carpenter
of the u.s. ballet.

Hey, great
to have you around.

The last decent ballet
we got around here

Was ballet rambert.

On thursday
they did petrouchka

Then on saturday
they did fille mal gardee.

I thought it was
a bit slow but...

It sure is nice to
see you, mr. salad.

I ain't salad.

What?

You want teddy salad?

Yeah.

I don't see anyone.

The one on the end,
on the right.

That's salad.

That's a dog.

No, only
bits of it.

What do you mean?

Listen,
teddy salad

Is the most
brilliant agent

The c.i.a. ever
had, all right?

Right.

That's how he made
his name-- disguise!

That's incredible!

Yeah, he had
to slim down

To 11/2pounds to get
into that costume.

He cut 18 inches
off each arm

And over three feet
off each leg.

The most brilliant surgeon in
europe stuck that tail on.

What about the head?

All of the head
was removed

Apart from the eyes
and the brain

In order to fit
into the costume.

That's incredible!

Do you want
to talk to him?

Yeah, sure.

Let's move over to those trees
over there.

Anyone might
be watching.

Mr. salad

There's a mr. carpenter
to see you.

What does he say?

Do you have a bone?

Here, it's all part
of the disguise.

Okay, teddy,
here's the bone.

All right, you've got
his trust now.

You can talk to him.

Sir...

Sir... mr. salad

Sir, I've
come direct

From the commander

Of land, sea
and air forces.

There's a pretty
dangerous situation, sir.

Mr. neutron is missing.

The general says
you're the only one

Who'll know where
to find him.

What's he say?

Uh, he wants
to go walkies.

Walkies?

Yeah, he's right
into it today.

Do you mind taking
him for walkies?

While carpenter took

The most brilliant agent
the c.i.a. ever had for walkies

Events in the world's capitals
were moving fast.

The secretary of state
to see you, prime minister.

Very well, show him in.

Prime minister.

Oh, do take a seat.

Oh!

We've just had the supreme
commander, u.s. forces

On the phone.

Apparently, they want
a full-scale red alert.

They what?

They want
a full-scale red alert.

Every troop movement...

It's all right.

Don't worry
about giuseppe.

He's english,
really.

I see...
well, apparently

The whole structure of world
peace is threatened...

Your anniversary, signore?

Uh... no, no, no, giuseppe,
not now.

You mean this
isn't the lady?

No, no.

Oh, signora, my mistake!

Fine, fine.

I play for you, my mistake.

My mistake,
I have made my mistake!

What a dreadful mistake
is this mistake that I make!

My mistake...

Giuseppe, do you mind playing
over there?

Oh, very well, signore,
but I play only for you

And your beautiful companion.

My mistake...

Well, we think
this mr. neutron

Is located somewhere
in the london area.

We must find him
and exterminate him.

The americans say
if we don't, they will.

What?!

The americans say

If we don't, they will!

If he doesn't
know what?!

They'll bomb
the entire london area!

We'd better get
out of here!

They won't bomb here.

Are you sure?

Sure.

Right.

When are they
going to start?

Well, apparently,
they haven't got neutron yet

But when they do,
they're going to...

I have made my mistake...
what?!

They're going to send
a wave of bombers!

What a
dreadful mistake...

Well, did he tell
you anything?

Oh, no, no.

We chased sticks

We chased
a few reindeer.

Oh, you been chasing
reindeer, have you?

You're a naughty boy, eh?

Look, we haven't
got much time.

He hasn't given me
any information yet.

Okay, look, tell you
what then, let's eat.

You give him
one of your meatballs

He'll tell you
anything, okay?

Okay.

Wait a minute, he's trying
to tell us something.

Carpenter...

Ah... carpenter...

Yes, mr. salad?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah...

It's just... it's so
goddamned painful in here.

What's the problem?

It's mr. neutron, sir...

He's gone missing.

The supreme
commander

Wants you
to take charge.

I... oh, god...

I... i...

Yes, mr. salad?

I...

I've got to go walkies again.

Still no sign of
captain carpenter, sir

or mr. neutron.

Okay.

We'll bomb neutron out.

Get me moscow, peking,
and shanklin, isle of wight!

And so the great powers

And the people of shanklin,
isle of wight

Drew their net
in ever-tightening circles

Around the most dangerous
threat to peace

The world has ever faced.

They bombed cairo, bangkok

Cape town,
buenos aires, harrow

Hammersmith, stepney,
wandsworth and enfield

But always it was
the wrong place.

Sorry, enfield.

We apologize
for any inconvenience

Caused by our bombing.

Sorry.

But what of mr. neutron--

The most fearfully
dangerous man in the world

The man who could destroy
entire galaxies with his wrist

The man who could tear
fruit machines apart

With his eyeballs?

He had not been idle.

In fact, he had fallen in love

With the lady
who does for mrs. entrail.

Oh, hello, mr. n.

Terrible about enfield,
isn't it?

It's all gone;
so is staines.

Lovely shops they used
to have in staines

And stanmore, where
the a.a. offices used to be.

I don't know where we'll pay
our a.a. subscriptions to now.

Do you know
where we'll pay

Our a.a. subscriptions
to now, mr. n?

I didn't know you were a member
of the a.a., mrs. s.c.u.m.

Oh, yes, ever since the corsair
broke down in leytonstone.

They towed it all the way
to deauville

F.o.c.

Yes, you know f.o.c.--

Free of charge.

Well, my husband ken--

K.e.n.-- he said...

Oh, forget about your husband,
mrs. s.c.u.m.

Or may I call you "mrs. s.?"

You can call me "linda"
if you like.

No, I'd rather
call you "mrs. s."

Oh.

And you can call me "mr. n."

Well, that's what
I was calling you.

Mrs. s., there is something
I have to tell you.

Yes, mr. n.?

I have just won a kellogg's
corn flake competition.

Oh, mr. n., that's wonderful!

I got the ball
in exactly the right place.

The prize is funt5,000 in cash

Or as much ice cream
as you can eat.

funt5,000!

I was thinking of taking
the ice cream.

Oh, no!

It's been so hot recently.

You couldn't eat that
much ice cream, mr. n.

Mrs. s., I can eat enormous
quantities of ice cream

Without being sick.

No, no,
take the funt5,000!

Please take
the funt5,000!

I was thinking
if we got married...

Oh, yes.

We could use the funt 5,000
to buy a spoon.

Oh, we could buy
a lot more than that.

And then fill up
with ice cream.

Oh, forget about
the ice cream;

We need the money.

We need nothing,
for there is something

I have not told you,
mrs. s.c.u.m.

Oh, please,
call me "mrs. s."

No, I would
rather go back

To calling you mrs. s.c.u.m.,
mrs. s.c.u.m.

I am the most powerful man
in the universe.

There is nothing
I cannot do.

Oh, mr. n.

I want you to be my helpmate.

As tarzan had his jane,
as napoleon had his josephine

As frankie laine had
whoever he had...

I want you to help me

In my plan to
dominate the world.

Oh, mr. n., that
I should be so lucky!

You're not jewish, are you?

Another time was
when I as in cairo

I was disguised
as a water hydrant.

The whole top part of my head had been
removed and...

Please, mr. salad

You must tell us
where neutron is.

And I functioned,
do you hear?

I really worked.

I could put out a fire.

Mind you,
it hurt a bit.

Please, mr. salad,
there isn't much time.

Where is neutron?

Okay, give me another meatball,
and I'll tell you.

Okay, listen
carefully.

I won't repeat this,
you understand?

Yes, yes, quick.

I know where neutron is
right now.

I know the exact address
and the exact house

And the exact road.

Okay, where is it?

He's not in america.

No?

He's not in asia.

No?

He's not in australia.

No?

He's in...

Yes?

Europe.

Yes?

You want to know
where in europe?

Yes!

Okay, okay, I'll tell you!

He's in england, in london

At number 19...

Okay, that's the yukon,
what's left?

Only ruislip, the gobi desert,
and your office, sir.

Okay, we'll start
with my office.

Ankwat I odr inkerat,
gobi desert ulverston road box.

I will take you away from all this,
mrs. s.c.u.m.

Oh, mr. n., I'd
follow you anywhere.

We will have two weeks
in benidorm.

Oh, yes, yes.

And I will
make you

The most beautiful
woman in the world.

Ooh, it's beautiful.

Oh, mr. n., you have
made my heart sing.

Late in life's
pageant it may be

But you have made roses
bloom anew for me.

Life's rich harvest
is being...

Shut up, mrs. s.,
we must hurry!

Oh, i...

I'd better leave
a note for ken;

He'll be
expecting us.

Has mr. neutron
escaped in time?

Is the world utterly destroyed?

How can mr. neutron
and his child bride survive?

Will his mighty powers
be of any avail

Against the holocaust?

Stay tuned to this channel.

Hello.

Well, in fact, what happens is

That they are saved
by mr. neutron's mighty powers

Just as the last bomb
falls on ruislip.

However, the earth
has been blown off its axis

And in a most dramatic and
dangerous and expensive sequence

It spins off into space.

There are appallingly expensive
scenes of devastation and horror

And the final incredibly
expensive climax is reached

As thousands of ape monsters
in very expensive costumes

Descend from the sky onto these

Plug up a whole city
which had to be specially built

And fling them all into the sea
very expensively.

And we can see those very
expensive scenes right now.

Just after the credits
have gotten through.

Incidentally, these are going
to be some of the most expensive

And lavish scenes
ever filmed by the bbc

In conjunction
with time-life, of course.

There are some of
the technical people

Who have been involved
in filming

These very expensive scenes.

The sound...
very expensive sound

Expensive visual effects there

Expensive production assistant

Expensive designer

Cheap director.

Well, we're going to see those
very expensive scenes right now.

Oh, come on

You can give us another minute,
mr. cotton, please.

Good evening.

Last week we learned
how to saw a lady in half.

This week we're going to learn

How to saw a lady in three bits
and dispose of the body...

Whoa!

Look, look, if you can put on
rubbish like that

And "horse of the year show"

You can afford us another
minute, mr. cotton, please.

I mean, look at this
load of old...

World domination t-shirts
are available

From the bbc, world domination
department, cardiff.