Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 4 - Hamlet - full transcript

It's just that everywhere I go

It's the same
old thing--

All anyone
wants me to say is

"to be or not to be."

"that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer..."

It's either that
or "oh, that this

Too, too solid
flesh would melt..."

"would melt, thaw and
resolve itself into a dew.

"or that the everlasting

Had not fixed his canon
'gainst self slaughter..."



Yes, all that sort of thing

And I'm just getting
really fed...

Do the bit about
"alas poor yorick."

No, I'm sick of it!

I want to do
something else.

I want to make
something of my life.

No, I don't
know that bit.

I want to get away from all that,
be different.

Well, um...
what do you want to be?

A private dick!

A private dick?

Yes, a private dick!

Why do you want
to be a private dick?

Why does anyone want to be
a private dick?



Fame, money, glamour,
excitement, sex.

Ah! it's the sex, is it?

Well, that's one
of the things, yes.

What's the sex problem?

Well, there's
no problem.

Now, come on, come on.

You've got this girl
on the bed

And she's all ready
for it...

No, no, it's nothing
to do with that.

No, no, come on, come on.

There she is,
she's all ready for it

She's a real stunner,
she's got great big tits

She's really well stacked

And you've got her legs up
against the mantelpiece...

All right, mr. butler,
I'll take over.

Morning, mr. hamlet,
my name's natal.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Now, what seems
to be the problem?

Well, I was telling
the other psychiatrist...

Uh, he's... he's not
a psychiatrist.

Oh, he said he was
a psychiatrist.

Well...

Yes.

Um... he is
a kind of psychiatrist

But he's, um...
he's not a proper psychiatrist.

He's not, uh...
fully qualified in, um...

Quite the sort of way
that we should want.

Anyway the problem,
I believe

Is basically
sexual, is it?

I asked him that!

Get out!

Now then, you've got
the girl on the bed

You've been having
a bit of a feel-up

You've got your tongue
down her throat.

She's got both her legs
up on the mantelpiece...

Dr. natal!
out, please!

I'm talking
to a patient!

Out, please!

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

We have a lot of trouble here
with bogus psychiatrists--

One of the risks
in psychiatry, I'm afraid.

Unfortunately, they do tend
to frighten the patient

And they can cause real
and permanent damage

To the treatment.

But I assure you

That I am a completely
bona fide psychiatrist.

Here's my diploma
in psychiatry

From the university
of oxford.

This here shows
that I'm a member

Of the british
psychiatric association--

A very important
body, indeed.

Here's a letter
from another psychiatrist

In which he mentions
that I'm a psychiatrist.

This is my
psychiatric club tie

And, as you can see,
the cufflinks match.

I've got a copy of
psychiatry today in my bag

Which I think
is pretty convincing

And a letter here
from my mother

In which she asks
how the psychiatry is going.

And I think you'll realize

The one person you can't fool
is your mother.

So if you'd like
to ask me

Any questions
about psychiatry

I bet I can answer them.

Okay, right, you've got
the girl on the bed

You've had a few drinks,
you've got her sweater up

And she's got her feet
on the mantelpiece.

Yes, what is it?

There's a proper psychiatrist
to see you, dr. rufus berg.

Oh, my god--
okay, thank you.

Right, thank you very much

For answering
the questions, sir.

We'll try not
to trouble you again, sir.

Right, you've got the girl
down on the bed.

You've got her legs
up on the mantelpiece

And then you...

Well, well done,
mr. hamlet.

You've done extremely well
in our disorientation tests.

Oh... oh.

You see, I'm sorry

It might have
confused you a little

But we do this, you see,
to try and establish

A very good doctor-patient
relationship, you see.

We do it to sort of,
as it were

To break down the barriers,
all right?

Yes, fine.

Good-- well,
you've got her legs up

On the mantelpiece

She's really a knocker...

On behalf of
the psychiatric association

I should like to say
that we are taking firm action

To clamp down on the activities
of bogus psychiatrists.

In fact, in many areas
of modern psychiatry

Computers are now
being increasingly used

For the first basic diagnosis,
and this has gone a long way

Towards eliminating the danger
of unqualified impostors

You've had your tongue
down her throat

and she's got her legs...

Out!

Good evening and welcome
to nationwide

The program where we do
rather wet things nationally

And also give you a chance

To see some rather wet items
in the regions.

Well, everyone is talking today
about the third world war

Which broke out this morning.

But here on nationwide

We're going to get away
from that for a bit

And look instead
at the latest theory

That sitting down regularly
in a comfortable chair

Can rest your legs.

It sounds very nice, doesn't it,
but can it be done?

Is it possible or practical
for many of us, in our jobs

And with the sort
of busy lives we lead

To sit down in a comfortable
chair just when we want?

We sent our reporter,
john dull, to find out.

Well, here I am on london's
busy westminster bridge

Seeing just how much time
sitting down can take.

Well, I arrived here by train
at about 8:50.

It's now 9:05, so I've been here
approximately 12 minutes.

And if it's
any encouragement

I must say that my legs
do feel rested.

Is this your chair?

Uh... well,
no, it's a prop.

It's been stolen!

What?

This belongs to
a mrs. edgeworth of pinner.

She's standing over there.

Yoo-hoo!

Uh, well, it's nothing
to do with me.

I mean, it's just
a prop which the bbc...

It's got her name
on the bottom.

Well, uh, perhaps you'd better
give it back to her.

You don't believe
I'm a policeman, do you?

Yes, I do!

What am I wearing
on my head?

A helmet.

A policeman's helmet!

Yes.

You see that?

Yes.

That little number there?

Yes.

That is a metropolitan
area identification code.

No helmet is authentic
without that number.

I see.

Kids' helmets, helmets
you get at toy shops

Helmets you buy
at christmas--

None of them has
that number.

None of them is authentic.

Hang on.

Oh, could i...

Hang on!

Mind you, I didn't join
the police force

Just to wear the helmet,
you know.

Oh.

That just happens to be
one of the little perks.

There are plenty of jobs

Where I could have
worn a helmet

But not such
a nice helmet.

This helmet, I think

Beats even some of
the more elaborate helmets

Worn by the tsar's
private army

The so-called
axi red warriors.

You know about them?

Well, no, I don't.

Ah! their helmets
used to look like...

You got any paper?

Well, only
these scripts.

Hold on.

Hey!

I'll have that.

I say.

Now then... their helmet
was not unlike

The bobby's helmet
in basic shape.

It had an emblem here
and three gold--

And in those days
it really was gold.

That's part of the reason
why the tsar was so unpopular--

Three gold bands

Surmounted by a golden
eagle on the apex here.

Pretty nice helmet, eh?

Yes.

I think the domed helmet
wins every time

Over the flattened job,
you know

Even when they're
three-cornered or...

You want
something to eat?

Well, no, uh,
I mean, really...

Hang on.

You can't park here, you know.

We're not parked.

Not parked!

What's that then?

That's our lunch.

Right.

I'm taking that in for a
forensic examination.

Why?

Because it might

Have been used as
a murder weapon, that's why!

Now, clear off!

Yeah, not bad.

Could be worse.

Beer?

No, no, please!

Honestly, please...

Now then, the chaldeans,
who used to inhabit the area

In between the tigris
and euphrates rivers--

Their helmets was
of the modular

Restrained kind
of type...

Oh, robert, tell me
I'm beautiful.

Oh, you are, you are.

Oh, robert,
do you mean that?

Of course I do.

You're not
just saying it

Because I asked you to?

Of course not.

Oh, robert, are you sure it
doesn't put you off?

What?

My father wanting to come and
live with us.

No, of course
I don't mind

Your father coming
to live with us.

He wouldn't just be
living with us.

What do you mean?

Well, he finds it
very difficult

To get to sleep
on his own

So I said he could
sleep with us.

He wants to put
his bed in our room?!

No, no, of course not.

Oh, good.

Our bed is plenty
big enough for three.

What?

He'd just get into bed
and go to sleep.

No, I'm not having that!

Oh, robert, I thought
you loved me!

Well, I do, but...

Well, he wouldn't look.

He's bound to peek.

No, no, he wouldn't,
honestly.

No! no! no!

You young couple
just carry on.

Take no notice of me.

I don't want to feel

As though I'm
getting in the way.

Oh, no, dad,
you're not.

No, no...

Good!

Well... I think
I'll get to sleep.

Are you sure?

Oh, yes, I'm a bit tired
after the wedding.

Bob, what about you?

Oh, yes,
all right, yes.

Oh, well, I seem
to be o.c. lights.

Good night,
darling.

Good night.

Good night!

Father?

Father, what
are you doing?

I'm making a boat.

What?

It's a cutty sark.

It's a model
I've been making

In the dark for
some years now.

Well, wouldn't
it be better

With the light on?

No, no, I'm
making it in the dark--

That's the point.

Oh, dear...

It's not as accurate
as I thought.

It's not
the cutty sark!

Well, it hasn't got
its sails on yet.

Oh, well, I'll...

I'll have a look at it

In the dark room
in the morning.

Good night!

Will you shut up in there?

Shut up!

Shut... that's better.

I am myself indifferent honest,
but yet, I could accuse me

Of such things
that it were better

My mother
had not borne me.

O fair ophelia, nymph,
in thy orisons

Be all my sins
remembered.

So anyway, you've
got the girl on the bed

And her legs are
on the mantelpiece...

Out!

We're hit! jump!

Good god, sir,
look at that.

Quiet, you'll
wake him.

Sorry, sir.

Let's try to reach
the city walls

Before he
wakes up.

Yes, sir!

Shh! quiet.

Right,
sorry, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Too late!

We're saved!

That was a great fight, champ

A great fight, you hear?

Oh, boy, what a fight,
champ!

What a great fight!

You nearly had him, champ,
you nearly had him...

Where's his head?

I got it in here,
mr. gabriello.

You were great,
champ, do you hear?

You were great!

He got a nasty
cut over his eye.

Yeah, I think
it was a mistake

Him wearing
spectacles.

Oh, well, get that
sewn onto his body

In time for
the press pictures!

Okay, mr. gabriello.

Ah, wasn't he
great, my boy?

He was great,
mr. gabriello.

The way he kept
on fighting

After his
head came off.

He was better when the head
came off, mr. gabriello.

He was really dodging the guy.

Yeah, I reckon
if he could've lasted

Till the end of
that first minute

He would've had
the killer worried.

Sure, mr. gabriello.

Oh, he was great!

Did you see
his left arm?

No.

Okay, we'll look
around the hall

After everyone's gone.

Do you realize,
mr. gabriello

Some of those
guys out there

Paid over $2,000
for a ringside seat?

And where does
the head land?

Right at the back--
that's justice.

Oh, boy.

What do you want?

This your
boy's head?

No, no, we got
his head!

He ain't hurt
that bad.

Hey, that's
jerry marinello.

He fought the killer last week.

Okay, give it
to me.

I'm seeing his
trainer tomorrow.

I'll give it to him.

Hey, mr. gabriello,
the press is still outside.

You ready for them?

How's the champ?

Well, the head's
on okay

But there's still
a left arm missing.

Okay, well, keep
the dressing gown

Kind of
loose, okay?

Okay, boys, come on in!

Mr. gabriello!

Did you expect
your boy to last

The full 28 seconds?

This boy has never
let me down.

He's the pluckiest goddamn
fighter I ever trained.

Were you worried when his head
started to come loose?

No, no, we was
expecting that.

I told him to expect
it and he did.

He ain't stupid.

Hey, can we have a word with
the champ?

Yeah, okay, but keep
the questions simple.

Hey, champ,
how you feeling?

I said keep the questions
simple!

Mr. gabriello

People are
saying

The kid ought
to be buried.

His head's
come off

In the last
six fights.

There's no question
of burying the kid!

He's just reaching
the top.

Well, shouldn't
he just stay

In the
hospital?

No, he ain't going
to no hospital.

He's got the return
fight next week.

And there's frank sinatra
leaving the ring.

Behind him is george raft,
another great boxing fan

Martin bormann, acknowledging
the applause

and with him, of course,
is gus himmler

who did an awful lot
for the sport in his country

in the early 1940s.

And here comes the champ now.

He really seems in good shape
to meet the killer once again

before an audience--

some of whom have paid
$920,000 million

for the privilege of seeing
this boy get beaten up.

And there's the bell.

Quiet!

...and a left and a right jab

that's taken half
the champ's shoulder off.

and here's the killer again
with a right and another left

and a bash with a hammer
and a terrific smack

with a heavy thud
right into the skull

and there's a gaping hole right
through the champ's body now.

And now the killer's
working on the cut eye

with a series of
beautifully placed punches

and the head's coming loose!

The champ must try
and keep his head on.

The killer's kicked him
in the groin

and he's bitten half
his left buttock off

and the referee's stepped in
with a warning there.

What a plucky fighter
this champ is.

He's fighting as well
as I've ever seen him.

He must be losing blood at
the rate of a pint a second now.

It's everywhere.

Certainly those
who paid $1.5 million

for those ringside seats

are really getting
their money's worth.

They're covered in it.

And his head's off!

...in so many fights is
off in the 31st second.

It's rolled away down
to the left.

But what's happening?

The killer's being talked to
by the referee.

There's the champ's
plucky little body

racing around the ring,
trying to find his opponent.

And the killer has
been disqualified!

This great fighter, who has
killed more than 50 people

in his boxing career,
has at last been defeated

by this courageous, headless
little southpaw from new york.

And there's a great roar here
as the referee raises the arm

of the new
world heavyweight champion.

What a pity the rest of his body
wasn't here to see it.

Well, here in london

it's 12:30 and time
for the robinsons

an everyday story of blah-di-
blah-di-blah-di-blah.

Da-di-da-di-da-di-da

da-di-da-di-da...

and so on.

Morning, mrs. robinson.

Morning, mrs. non-robinson.

Been shopping?

No... I've been shopping.

What'd you buy?

A piston engine.

What did you buy that for?

Bloody rubbish!

I wanted to listen to that.

Morning,
mrs. gorilla.

Morning,
mrs. non-gorilla.

Have you been
shopping?

No... been shopping.

Did you buy
anything?

A piston engine.

What did you
buy that for?

Ooh! it was
a bargain.

Ooh!

Tweet, tweet, tweet.

Come on, little birdies,
come on.

Nice little birdies.

Come on, little birdies.

Come on, little birdies.

Come and see
what mommy's got for you.

Come on, little birdies.

Tweety, tweety,
come on, tweety, tweety.

Ooh, look at this,
tweety, tweety.

Nice one, come on, come on.

Tweet, tweet.

Come on, little birdies,
tweet, tweet.

Oh. hello,
mrs. smoker.

Hello,
mrs. non-smoker.

What, you been
shopping, then?

No, I've
been shopping.

Oh, what
did you buy?

A piston engine.

What did you
buy that for?

It was a bargain!

How much do
you want for it?

Three quid.

Done.

Right.

Thank you.

How do you
cook it?

You don't cook it.

You can't eat
that raw!

Ooh, never
thought of that.

Oh, day and night, but
this is wondrous strange.

And therefore is
a stranger welcome it.

There are more things
in heaven and earth, horatio

Than are dreamt of
in your philosophy.

But come, the time
is out of joint.

O cursed spite, that ever
I was born to set it right.

Let's go together.

Hello, and welcome
to a room in polonius's house.

Well, tonight is
european cup night.

One result in already
from munich.

The european cup,
first round, second leg

Bayern munchen 4,397;
wrexham 1.

So wrexham going
through there on aggregate.

Well, now it's time for racing

So let's go straight over
to epsom and brian mcnulty.

Well, over here at epsom,
there are chances aplenty

For those who want to make
a good start in...

Dentistry.

Dentistry.

It's a well-off
suburb

So most people have
their own teeth

And surgeries
are opening

At the rate of four
or five a week.

Well, it's only 44 minutes
from the west end on the train

And it's not too built up,
so you can have a nice garden.

And the people of epsom are
a very nice class of person.

Well, here in high street, epsom

There are ample opportunities
for all kinds of redevelopment.

As you can see, behind me now

There are a high level
of low-density consumer units

Still not fully
maximizing site value.

This could be radically improved

By a carefully planned program
of demolition

And of course, most of
the occupants are elderly folks

So they wouldn't put up
much of a fight.

Good afternoon.

Well, in fact, there's still
a few minutes to go

Before the main race
on the card this afternoon

The queen victoria handicap.

So let's have a quick word
with the winner of the last race

One of the season's top jockeys,
ronnie mau-mau.

Good afternoon, ronnie.

Good afternoon,
brian.

A very fine ride
there, ronnie.

Well, a fine
horse, brian

You know, you
can't go wrong.

Do you fancy your
chances for the derby?

Oh, very
definitely.

Very definitely,
indeed.

Certainly, brian.

Well, let's just see

If a colleague of yours
agrees with that.

Let's just have
a quick word

With desmond willet--
afternoon, des.

Good afternoon,
brian.

No chance,
no chance at all.

No, no, I think you're wrong
there, des.

I think with the
right kind of going

He's going
to be in there

At the finish, des.

No chance,
there's no chance.

Well, in fact,
I can see

Last season's top jockey,
johnny knowles.

Good afternoon, johnny.

Hello, brian.

Uh, could we have a box
for johnny, please?

Thank you.

Hello, brian,
thank you.

That's better.

Well, there you are--

Three very well-known faces
from the racing world.

Thanks very much for coming
along this afternoon, lads.

Not at all.

And best wishes for the derby.

Thank you, brian.

Thank you very much.

Well, in fact, I hear
they're ready for us now

At the start of the main
race this afternoon

So let's go right away
and join peter at the start.

Well, they're
under starter's orders

For this very valuable
queen victoria handicap.

And they're off.

And queen victoria...
a good clean jump off

Followed by queen victoria

Queen victoria
and queen victoria.

It's queen victoria
from queen victoria

With queen victoria making
the early running on the inside.

And at the back, queen victoria

Already a couple of lengths
behind the leaders.

Queen victoria now moved up
to challenge queen victoria

With queen victoria
losing ground.

Queen victoria tucked in neatly

On the stand side
with a clear view.

Queen victoria
still the back marker

As they approach
the halfway mark

But making ground now and
starting to pass queen victoria

With queen victoria

Queen victoria and queen
victoria still well placed

As they approach
the first fence.

And at the first fence,
it's queen victoria

Just ahead of queen victoria

With queen victoria
falling away in third place.

And queen victoria
in the rear...

Well, a very exciting race
there at epsom.

And now over to the european cup
at barcelona

Where the latest news is

That miguel otana, the burly
real madrid striker was sent off

For breaking wind
in the 43rd minute.

He'd already been cautioned

For pursing his lips earlier on
in the game and now he's off.

So let's see a playback
of that... brian.

Yes, uh, well, as you can see,
there's otana now.

Uh, he gets the, uh,
the through ball from gomez

And, uh, he makes no attempt
to play the ball.

He quite deliberately lets off.

And to my mind,
he was within the box

And the referee had no option
whatsoever but to send him off.

Jimmy?

Good evening.

What do you make of that?

Well, the referees really are

Clamping down these days.

Only last week, the belgian
captain was sent off

For having a sony
radio cassette player.

And gonerelli, that huge italian
defender, was sent off in turin

For having his sitting and
dining room knocked through

To form an open living area.

Hamlet?

Good evening.

You've got the girl
on the bed.

Her legs are up on
the mantelpiece...

Come on, go on, out.

Wait, I'm gettin' out of here.

I got away.

Missed.

Missed, missed again.

Ugh!

Ooh, wait a minute.
wait, wait!

Let four captains
bear hamlet

Like a soldier
to the stage

For he was likely,
had he been put on

To have proved
most royally...

And then...