Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Light Entertainment War - full transcript
A parody of war includes the invasion of Norway by tutu-clad commandos and a plea to the public to treat the war seriously.
Taking life as it comes--
sharing the good things...
And the bad things.
Finding laughter and fun
wherever they go.
It's with these two
happy-go-lucky rogues
That our story begins.
For it is they who were
run over by alex diamond--
International crime fighter
and playboy...
Fast-moving, tough-talking
And just one of the many
hundreds of famous people
Who suffer from... lumbago
The endemic disease
about which no one knows more
Than this man,
dr. emile koning--
Doctor, surgeon, proctologist
And selfless fighter
against human suffering
Whose doorbell was the one above
the hero of our story tonight--
Rear admiral humphrey de vere.
Yes, this is the story of
rear admiral humphrey de vere...
Or rather, the story
of his daughter
For it was her courage,
foresight and understanding
That enabled us to probe
beneath the sophisticated veneer
Of the royal arsenal
women's college, bagshot
And learn the true history
of this man...
Len hanky--
Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser
The man of whom the chairman
of fiat once said...
Che cosa e
lo stucciacatori di polli?
Si.
Yes, tonight we examine
the career of gino agnelli
The man who started from nothing
To build up one of
the greatest firms in europe
And whose telescope was bought
from the shop part-owned
By a man who, at the age
of eight, stole a penknife
From the son of this man's brother's
housekeeper's dental hygienist's uncle--
The reverend charlie "drooper"
hyper-squawk smith
The cleft-palated
r.a.f. chaplain
Who, single-handed, shot down
over 500 german chaplains.
This is the story
of the men who flew with him.
It really is.
Morning, squadron leader.
What-ho, squiffy.
How was it?
Top hole.
Bally jerry
pranged his kite
Right in the
how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied,
feathered back on his sammy
Took a waspy
Flipped over on
his betty harper's
And caught his can
in the bertie.
Er... afraid I don't quite
follow you, squadron leader.
It's perfectly ordinary
banter, squiffy.
Bally jerry
pranged his kite
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied,
feathered back on his sammy
Took a waspy, flipped over
on his betty harper's
And caught his can
in the bertie.
No, I'm just not understanding
banter at all well today.
Give us it slower.
Banter's not the same
if you say it slower, squiffy.
Hold on, then.
Wingco!
Yes?
Bend an ear
To the squadron leader's banter.
Can do.
Jolly good.
Fire away.
Bally jerry...
pranged his kite...
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied...
Feathered back on his sammy...
Took a waspy, flipped over
on his betty harper's
And caught his can...
In the bertie.
No, I don't understand
that banter at all.
Is something up
with my banter, chaps?
Bunch of monkeys
on the ceiling, sir!
Grab your
egg and fours
And let's get
the bacon delivered.
Do you understand that?
No, I didn't get a word of it.
Sorry, old man.
We don't understand
your banter.
You know...
bally ten-penny ones
Dropping
in the custard!
Um...
Charlie choppers
chucking a handful.
No, no,
sorry.
Say it a bit
slower, old chap.
Slower
banter, sir?
Ra-ther!
Um...
Sausage squad
up the blue end!
No, still don't get it.
Um... cabbage crates
coming over the briny?
No, no, no.
But by then it was too late.
The first cabbage crates
hit london on july 7.
That was just the beginning.
Five shillings a dozen?
That's ordinary cabbages, is it?
And what about the bombs?
Good lord, they are expensive!
Sir!
Yes, what is it?
News from the
western front, sir!
Yes?
Big enemy attack
at dawn, sir.
Yes?
Well...
The enemy were all wearing
little silver halos, sir.
And they had fairy wands
with big stars on the end
And... and...
And what?
And they had spiders
In matchboxes, sir.
Good god!
How did our chaps react?
Well, they were
jolly interested, sir.
Some of them-- I think it was
The fourth
armored brigade, sir--
They... they...
Yes?
Well, they went and had a look
At the spiders, sir.
Oh, my god.
Well, thank you,
shirley.
Sir!
Get me the prime minister.
Sir!
Not that quickly!
Sir!
Gentlemen,
it's now quite apparent
That the enemy are not only
fighting this war on the cheap
But they're also not
taking it seriously.
Bastards!
First they drop cabbages
instead of decent bombs...
Crates were probably
quite expensive, sir.
Quiet, critic!
And now they're doing
very silly things
In one of the most vital areas
of the war.
What are we going
to do, shirley?
Well, we've got to act fast
before it saps morale.
We're going to show
these chinese...
Germans.
These germans.
We're going to show them
That no british soldier
will descend to their level.
Anyone found
trivializing this war
Will face the supreme penalty
that military law can provide.
That was all right, I think.
Seemed to go
quite well.
Sapper walters, you stand
before this court
Accused of carrying on the war
by other than warlike means--
To wit, that you did
on april 16, 1942
Dressed up as a bag of dainties
Flick wet towels at the enemy
during an important offensive.
Well, sir.
Shut up!
Colonel fawcett
For the prosecution.
Sir, we all know...
Shut up.
I'm sorry?
Carry on.
Sir, we all know
the facts of the case--
That sapper walters
Being in possession of
expensive military equipment--
To wit, one
lee enfield .303 rifle
And 72 rounds
of ammunition
Valued at funt140,
three shillings and sixpence--
Chose instead to use wet towels
To take an enemy command post
in the area of basingstoke.
Basingstoke?
Basingstoke in hampshire?
No, no, no, sir, no.
Oh, I see-- carry on.
The result of his action
Was that the enemy received...
Basingstoke where?
Basingstoke in westphalia, sir.
Oh, I see-- carry on.
The result
of sapper walters's action
Was that the enemy received
wet patches upon their trousers
And in some cases
Small red strawberry marks
upon their thighs.
I didn't know there was
a basingstoke in westphalia.
It's on the map, sir.
What map?
The map of westphalia
as used by the army, sir.
Well, I've certainly never heard
of basingstoke in westphalia.
It's a municipal borough, sir
27 miles north-northeast
of southampton.
Its chief manufactures...
Southampton in westphalia?
Yes, sir.
Bricks, clothing.
Nearby are the remains
of basing house
Burned down by cromwell's
cavalry in 1645...
And who...
who compiled this map?
Cole porter, sir.
Cole porter--
Who wrote kiss me, kate?
No, alas not, sir.
This was the cole porter
who wrote "anything goes," sir.
I shall seek to prove...
It's the same one!
In olden days
A glimpse of stocking...
I beg your pardon, sir?
In olden days
a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on
as something shocking
Now heaven knows
anything goes.
No, this one's, uh...
different, sir.
How does it go?
What, sir?
How does
your "anything goes" go?
Can I go home now?
Shut up!
Come on.
Sir, really, I think this is...
Come on, how does
your "anything goes" go?
Anything goes in
Anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout.
Anything goes in...
No, that's not it-- carry on.
With respect, sir,
I shall seek to prove
That the man
before you in the dock
Being in possession
of the following:
One pair of army boots,
value funt3, seven and six;
One pair of serge trousers,
value funt2, three and six;
One pair of gaiters,
value funt68, ten shillings...
funt68, ten shillings
for a pair of gaiters?!
They were special gaiters, sir.
Special gaiters?
Yes, sir, they were
made in france, sir.
One beret costing
14 shillings...
What was special about them?
They were made of
a special fabric, sir.
The buckles were made of
empire silver instead of brass.
The total value of
the uniform was...
Why was the accused
wearing special gaiters?
They were a presentation pair,
sir, from the regiment.
The total value of
the uniform, therefore...
Why did they present him
with a special pair of gaiters?
Sir... it seems to me
totally irrelevant to the case
Whether the gaiters were
presented to him or not, sir.
I think the court will be able
to judge that for themselves.
I want to know why the regiment
presented the accused
With a special pair of gaiters.
He used to do
things for them, sir.
The total value...
What things?
He used to oblige them, sir.
Oblige them?
Yes, sir.
The total value
of the uniform...
How did he oblige them?
What, sir?
How did he oblige them?
He, um...
He used to make them happy
in little ways, sir.
The total value...
Did he touch them at all?
Sir!
I submit that this is
totally irrelevant.
I want to know
how he made them happy.
He used to ram things
up their...!
All right, all right, all right.
You don't need
to spell it out.
What has the accused got to say?
What... me?
Yes, yes,
what have you got to say?
Well, what can I say, sir?
I mean, how can
I encapsulate in mere words
My scorn for
any military solution...
The futility
of modern warfare
And the hypocrisy by which
contemporary government applies
One standard to violence
within the community
And another
to violence perpetrated
By one community upon another?
Sorry, but my client
has become pretentious.
I will say
in his defense, though...
Sir, we haven't finished
the prosecution!
Shut up!
I'm in charge
of this court.
Stand up!
Sit down!
Go moo!
See?
Right, now, on
with the pixie hats
And order in
the skating vicar!
And...
Anything goes in,
anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout
Anything goes in,
anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout.
Coming to this cinema soon...
The tender, compassionate story
Of one man's love
for another man in drag.
Thrill to the excitement of
a night emission over germany
When the pilot, jennifer,
has to choose
Between his secret love
for louis
The hot-bloodedly
bisexual navigator
And andy, the rear gunner
Who, though quite
assertive with girls
Tends to take
the submissive role
In his relationships with men.
And sensational mexican starlet
rosetta nixon
Plays the head of bomber command
Whose passion for sea birds
ends in tragedy.
With ginger, as the half-man,
half-woman parrot
Whose unnatural instincts
Brought forbidden love
to the aviary.
And roger as pip, the half-
parrot, half-man, half-woman
Three-quarter badger,
ex-bigamist negro preacher
For whom banjo-playing
was very difficult.
And he never mastered it
Although he took several courses
and went to banjo college, uh...
And everything.
Don't miss it!
Coming to your cinema soon.
Only five minutes
from this restaurant.
But now...
It's...
Bloody repeats!
Yes, repeats
or war films.
It really makes you want
to micturate.
People on
television treat
The general public
like idiots.
Well, we are idiots.
Oh, no we are not!
Well, I am.
How do you know
you're an idiot?
Oh, I can show you.
How?
Look.
Ooh!
Ooh, wee! ooh, wee!
You see, the public
are idiots.
You might as well just show them
the last five miles of the m2.
They'd watch it, eh?
At last, they
done been put on
Something
interesting.
Oh, most
interesting.
Our figures show
conclusively
That these motorways are
extremely popular.
I mean, last time
we showed a repeat
Of the leicester
bypasss
Our ratings gave us 97,300,912
and itv nought.
So I do feel that we ought to
give "b" roads their own series.
I'm sorry, we just can't
give you a bigger budget.
Budgie?
No, he's
left.
Oh, oh.
why not?
We're only one slice
of the cake, you know.
Wouldn't mind
a slice of cake
Nice chocolate cake--
delicious.
I had a budgie once,
you know.
Lovely little budgie,
amusing little chap.
He used to stick
his head in a bell.
What was his name, now?
Joey,
uh...
Kennedy?
Xerxes?
We could
repeat them.
Reheat them?
No,
repeat them.
You don't reheat cakes--
Not chocolate cakes.
What, repeat
the cakes?
Mr. heath!
What!
That was the name of
the budgie.
Good lord,
the bar's open.
Oh! oh! oh!
Great off!
Oh, no.
no it isn't.
I was looking
at the little hand
That goes round
awfully fast.
Blast!
blast!
I've got it.
We can retitle the repeats.
What?
Give them different names?
Wouldn't that mean
retitling them?
Brilliant!
Oh, right.
All we need is
new titles
And they must
be damned new.
How about dad's navy?
Hmm, good, good.
Up your mother next door.
Even better.
Doctor at bee!
What?
what?
Someone's knocking
at the door.
Quite like it.
Bit long, though,
I think.
Far too long.
I married
lucy.
Oh, hasn't that
been done?
Oh, yes, a long
time ago.
But they'd never
remember it.
Doctor at three.
I think someone's
Knocking
at the door.
Well, that's
even longer.
I married
a tree.
And mother
makes tree.
Doctor
at cake.
Look, I'm not
absolutely certain
But, well, I do rather
get the impression
That there is someone
actually knocking
At the door
at this very moment.
That's ridiculous--
half the program gone.
Stop lengthening it!
I married a cake.
I married three
rabbit jelly molds.
Prefer "cake,"
especially chocky cake.
Open the
sodding door!
No, no. you can't say
"sodding" on television.
No, no.
You're supposed
to knock.
Sorry, sir, but there's
trouble at studio five.
You're in security,
aren't you?
Yes, sir.
Well, you're
not allowed
To suggest
program titles.
Sir, it's the
world war series
In studio five.
They're not taking it
seriously anymore.
You're
not allowed
To suggest
program titles!
Look!
Ow! mind me
war wound!
That's it!
that's the one!
Very good title!
Very good!
great.
Mind me war wound.
brilliant.
Fish, bananas, old pajamas,
mutton...
God! bloody world war ii series!
I hate them!
Oh, oh, it's a shame, mater--
damned predictable.
Just like bloody...
Day after day
after day after day!
Ugh!
Oh, evening star
If only we could have
a decent day tomorrow.
Oh! this weather's so wretched
and awful and filthy and...
What? what's going on?
What the hell is going...?
Now I can't even sleep!
What... what are they doing?
Huh? what was that?
What was it?
What... what's going on?
Oh... oh, I can't stand it!
All right! that does it!
that does it!
I'm going to get out...
What a lovely day!
Oh, I think I'm going to go...
I say.
Yes, daddy?
Croquet hoops
look damn pretty
This afternoon.
Frightfully
damn pretty.
They're
coming along
Awfully well
this year.
Yes, better than
Your aunt lavinia's
croquet hoops.
Oh, dreadful
tin things.
I did tell her to stick
to wood.
Yes, you can't beat wood.
Gorn...
What's gorn, dear?
Nothing, nothing.
No, I just like the word.
It gives me confidence.
Gorn...
Gorn-- it's got a sort of
woody quality about it.
Gorn...
Gorn...
Much better than
newspaper or litter bin.
Frightful words.
Perfectly dreadful.
Newspaper...
litter bin.
Dreadful tinny
sort of words.
Tin, tin, tin.
Oh, dear...
Don't say "tin"
to rebecca.
You know how
it upsets her.
Oh, sorry,
old horse.
Sausage.
Sausage!
There's a good woody
sort of word, sausage.
Gorn...
Antelope!
Where?
on the lawn?
No, no, daddy--
just the word.
Don't want an antelope
nibbling the hoops.
No, no, an-tel-ope.
Sort of nice and woody
type of thing.
Don't think so,
becky, old chap.
No, no.
Antelope,
antelope.
Tinny sort of word.
Oh! sorry, old man.
Really,
mansfield.
Well, she's got
to come to terms
With these things.
Seemly.
Prodding.
Vacuum.
Leap.
Oh! hate leap.
Perfectly dreadful.
Sort of p.v.c. sort of word,
don't you know?
Lower-middle.
Bound.
Now you're talking.
Bound.
Vole.
Recidivist.
Bit tinny.
Oh, sorry,
becky old beast.
Oh, dear, I suppose
She'll be gorn
for a few days now.
Caribou!
Splendid word!
No, dear--
nibbling the hoops.
Oh!
Caribou gorn.
Intercourse.
Later, dear.
No, no.
The word "intercourse,"
good and woody.
Intercourse...
Pert...
pert thighs.
Body, body, body.
Erogenous zone...
Oh, concubine!
Erogenous zone...
Loose woman.
Erogenous zone...
Oh!
Oh, thank you, dear.
You know, it's
a funny thing, dear.
All the naughty words
sound woody.
Really, dear?
How about "tit"?
Oh, dear.
I hadn't thought about that.
Tit, tit.
Oh, that's very
tinny, isn't it?
Tit, tit.
Ugh! tinny, tinny.
Oh, dear.
Ocelot.
Wasp.
Yowling.
Oh, dear, I'm bored.
I'd better go and have
a bath, I suppose.
Oh, really,
must you dear?
You've had nine today.
All right, I'll sack
one of the servants.
Simkins!
Nasty tinny
sort of name.
Simkins!
I say, mater, cabbage crates
coming over the briny.
Sorry, dear,
don't understand.
Uh, cow catchers
creeping up
On the conning towers.
No, sorry, old sport.
Um... caribou nibbling
at the croquet hoops.
Yes, mansfield shot one
in the antlers.
Oh, jolly good show.
Is, uh, is becca about?
No, she's gorn off.
What a super woody sort
of phrase, "gorn off."
Yes, she's gorn off
Because mansfield
said "tin" to her.
Oh, what rotten luck.
Oh, well, whole
afternoon to kill.
Better have a bath,
I suppose.
Oh, gervaise,
do sing me a song.
Oh, okay.
Something woody.
For...
She's going
to marry yum-yum!
Oh, crikey!
The old song's
finished her off.
What's urp?
Oh, I'm afraid mrs. vermin jones
Appears to have passed orn.
Dead, is she?
Afraid so.
What a blow for her.
What I want
to know
Mrs. elizabeth iii
Is why they show us
crap like this
When there's bits of the
leicester bypass
That have never
been shown.
Biskwit?
Oh! thank you.
Appearing on the m2 were...
Bloody repeats!
Bloody repeats!
Yes, repeats
or war films
Makes you want
to micturate.
Hello and welcome
to show jumping...
Oh, moto-cross!
Oh, good.
Just about to go into
a jump-off against the clock.
The slight pause is
for the stewards
Who are repairing
the sound of music.
Captain phillips on 'strewth
just caught one of the nuns
At the very start of what would
have been a fine clear round.
It's a formidable obstacle,
this sound of music--
Eight nuns high-- but
they're ready now and singing.
The hills are alive...
And there's the bell.
She's got 1:07 seconds to beat
But she needs
a clear round to win.
As she comes towards
the sound of music...
Quite exciting.
Hmm.
Beautifully taken.
And now she needs
to pick up speed
For oklahoma,
but not too much.
This is where alan jones
knocked down poor judd...
You notice how
We never actually
see the horses jump?
She's taken it superbly,
superb show jumping.
And she's coming up to the black
and white minstrel show.
Watch this.
Face the music and then...
She's taken it!
She's over the minstrels.
She just flicked
leslie crowther with her tail
But the time's good.
And now she turns before
coming into the final jump.
This is a tough one.
It's ben hur-- 46 chariots,
6,000 spectators, 400 slaves
Lion-handlers...
I bet we don't
see this one.
No.
We interrupt show jumping
to bring you a news flash.
The second world war has now
entered a sentimental stage.
This morning
on the ardennes front
The germans started
spooning at dawn
But the british
fifth army responded
By gazing deep into their eyes
And the germans are now reported
to have gone all coy.
When does
a dream begin?
Does it start with
a goodnight kiss?
Is it conceived
or simply achieved?
When does
a dream begin?
When does
a dream begin?
Is it born in
a moment of bliss?
Or is it begun
When two hearts
are one?
When does
a dream exist?
The vision of you
appears somehow
Impossible to resist
But I'm not imagining
seeing you
For who could have
dreamed of this?
When does
a dream begin?
When reality
is dismissed?
Or does it commence
When we lose
all pretense?
When does
a dream begin?
sharing the good things...
And the bad things.
Finding laughter and fun
wherever they go.
It's with these two
happy-go-lucky rogues
That our story begins.
For it is they who were
run over by alex diamond--
International crime fighter
and playboy...
Fast-moving, tough-talking
And just one of the many
hundreds of famous people
Who suffer from... lumbago
The endemic disease
about which no one knows more
Than this man,
dr. emile koning--
Doctor, surgeon, proctologist
And selfless fighter
against human suffering
Whose doorbell was the one above
the hero of our story tonight--
Rear admiral humphrey de vere.
Yes, this is the story of
rear admiral humphrey de vere...
Or rather, the story
of his daughter
For it was her courage,
foresight and understanding
That enabled us to probe
beneath the sophisticated veneer
Of the royal arsenal
women's college, bagshot
And learn the true history
of this man...
Len hanky--
Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser
The man of whom the chairman
of fiat once said...
Che cosa e
lo stucciacatori di polli?
Si.
Yes, tonight we examine
the career of gino agnelli
The man who started from nothing
To build up one of
the greatest firms in europe
And whose telescope was bought
from the shop part-owned
By a man who, at the age
of eight, stole a penknife
From the son of this man's brother's
housekeeper's dental hygienist's uncle--
The reverend charlie "drooper"
hyper-squawk smith
The cleft-palated
r.a.f. chaplain
Who, single-handed, shot down
over 500 german chaplains.
This is the story
of the men who flew with him.
It really is.
Morning, squadron leader.
What-ho, squiffy.
How was it?
Top hole.
Bally jerry
pranged his kite
Right in the
how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied,
feathered back on his sammy
Took a waspy
Flipped over on
his betty harper's
And caught his can
in the bertie.
Er... afraid I don't quite
follow you, squadron leader.
It's perfectly ordinary
banter, squiffy.
Bally jerry
pranged his kite
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied,
feathered back on his sammy
Took a waspy, flipped over
on his betty harper's
And caught his can
in the bertie.
No, I'm just not understanding
banter at all well today.
Give us it slower.
Banter's not the same
if you say it slower, squiffy.
Hold on, then.
Wingco!
Yes?
Bend an ear
To the squadron leader's banter.
Can do.
Jolly good.
Fire away.
Bally jerry...
pranged his kite...
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied...
Feathered back on his sammy...
Took a waspy, flipped over
on his betty harper's
And caught his can...
In the bertie.
No, I don't understand
that banter at all.
Is something up
with my banter, chaps?
Bunch of monkeys
on the ceiling, sir!
Grab your
egg and fours
And let's get
the bacon delivered.
Do you understand that?
No, I didn't get a word of it.
Sorry, old man.
We don't understand
your banter.
You know...
bally ten-penny ones
Dropping
in the custard!
Um...
Charlie choppers
chucking a handful.
No, no,
sorry.
Say it a bit
slower, old chap.
Slower
banter, sir?
Ra-ther!
Um...
Sausage squad
up the blue end!
No, still don't get it.
Um... cabbage crates
coming over the briny?
No, no, no.
But by then it was too late.
The first cabbage crates
hit london on july 7.
That was just the beginning.
Five shillings a dozen?
That's ordinary cabbages, is it?
And what about the bombs?
Good lord, they are expensive!
Sir!
Yes, what is it?
News from the
western front, sir!
Yes?
Big enemy attack
at dawn, sir.
Yes?
Well...
The enemy were all wearing
little silver halos, sir.
And they had fairy wands
with big stars on the end
And... and...
And what?
And they had spiders
In matchboxes, sir.
Good god!
How did our chaps react?
Well, they were
jolly interested, sir.
Some of them-- I think it was
The fourth
armored brigade, sir--
They... they...
Yes?
Well, they went and had a look
At the spiders, sir.
Oh, my god.
Well, thank you,
shirley.
Sir!
Get me the prime minister.
Sir!
Not that quickly!
Sir!
Gentlemen,
it's now quite apparent
That the enemy are not only
fighting this war on the cheap
But they're also not
taking it seriously.
Bastards!
First they drop cabbages
instead of decent bombs...
Crates were probably
quite expensive, sir.
Quiet, critic!
And now they're doing
very silly things
In one of the most vital areas
of the war.
What are we going
to do, shirley?
Well, we've got to act fast
before it saps morale.
We're going to show
these chinese...
Germans.
These germans.
We're going to show them
That no british soldier
will descend to their level.
Anyone found
trivializing this war
Will face the supreme penalty
that military law can provide.
That was all right, I think.
Seemed to go
quite well.
Sapper walters, you stand
before this court
Accused of carrying on the war
by other than warlike means--
To wit, that you did
on april 16, 1942
Dressed up as a bag of dainties
Flick wet towels at the enemy
during an important offensive.
Well, sir.
Shut up!
Colonel fawcett
For the prosecution.
Sir, we all know...
Shut up.
I'm sorry?
Carry on.
Sir, we all know
the facts of the case--
That sapper walters
Being in possession of
expensive military equipment--
To wit, one
lee enfield .303 rifle
And 72 rounds
of ammunition
Valued at funt140,
three shillings and sixpence--
Chose instead to use wet towels
To take an enemy command post
in the area of basingstoke.
Basingstoke?
Basingstoke in hampshire?
No, no, no, sir, no.
Oh, I see-- carry on.
The result of his action
Was that the enemy received...
Basingstoke where?
Basingstoke in westphalia, sir.
Oh, I see-- carry on.
The result
of sapper walters's action
Was that the enemy received
wet patches upon their trousers
And in some cases
Small red strawberry marks
upon their thighs.
I didn't know there was
a basingstoke in westphalia.
It's on the map, sir.
What map?
The map of westphalia
as used by the army, sir.
Well, I've certainly never heard
of basingstoke in westphalia.
It's a municipal borough, sir
27 miles north-northeast
of southampton.
Its chief manufactures...
Southampton in westphalia?
Yes, sir.
Bricks, clothing.
Nearby are the remains
of basing house
Burned down by cromwell's
cavalry in 1645...
And who...
who compiled this map?
Cole porter, sir.
Cole porter--
Who wrote kiss me, kate?
No, alas not, sir.
This was the cole porter
who wrote "anything goes," sir.
I shall seek to prove...
It's the same one!
In olden days
A glimpse of stocking...
I beg your pardon, sir?
In olden days
a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on
as something shocking
Now heaven knows
anything goes.
No, this one's, uh...
different, sir.
How does it go?
What, sir?
How does
your "anything goes" go?
Can I go home now?
Shut up!
Come on.
Sir, really, I think this is...
Come on, how does
your "anything goes" go?
Anything goes in
Anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout.
Anything goes in...
No, that's not it-- carry on.
With respect, sir,
I shall seek to prove
That the man
before you in the dock
Being in possession
of the following:
One pair of army boots,
value funt3, seven and six;
One pair of serge trousers,
value funt2, three and six;
One pair of gaiters,
value funt68, ten shillings...
funt68, ten shillings
for a pair of gaiters?!
They were special gaiters, sir.
Special gaiters?
Yes, sir, they were
made in france, sir.
One beret costing
14 shillings...
What was special about them?
They were made of
a special fabric, sir.
The buckles were made of
empire silver instead of brass.
The total value of
the uniform was...
Why was the accused
wearing special gaiters?
They were a presentation pair,
sir, from the regiment.
The total value of
the uniform, therefore...
Why did they present him
with a special pair of gaiters?
Sir... it seems to me
totally irrelevant to the case
Whether the gaiters were
presented to him or not, sir.
I think the court will be able
to judge that for themselves.
I want to know why the regiment
presented the accused
With a special pair of gaiters.
He used to do
things for them, sir.
The total value...
What things?
He used to oblige them, sir.
Oblige them?
Yes, sir.
The total value
of the uniform...
How did he oblige them?
What, sir?
How did he oblige them?
He, um...
He used to make them happy
in little ways, sir.
The total value...
Did he touch them at all?
Sir!
I submit that this is
totally irrelevant.
I want to know
how he made them happy.
He used to ram things
up their...!
All right, all right, all right.
You don't need
to spell it out.
What has the accused got to say?
What... me?
Yes, yes,
what have you got to say?
Well, what can I say, sir?
I mean, how can
I encapsulate in mere words
My scorn for
any military solution...
The futility
of modern warfare
And the hypocrisy by which
contemporary government applies
One standard to violence
within the community
And another
to violence perpetrated
By one community upon another?
Sorry, but my client
has become pretentious.
I will say
in his defense, though...
Sir, we haven't finished
the prosecution!
Shut up!
I'm in charge
of this court.
Stand up!
Sit down!
Go moo!
See?
Right, now, on
with the pixie hats
And order in
the skating vicar!
And...
Anything goes in,
anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout
Anything goes in,
anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout.
Coming to this cinema soon...
The tender, compassionate story
Of one man's love
for another man in drag.
Thrill to the excitement of
a night emission over germany
When the pilot, jennifer,
has to choose
Between his secret love
for louis
The hot-bloodedly
bisexual navigator
And andy, the rear gunner
Who, though quite
assertive with girls
Tends to take
the submissive role
In his relationships with men.
And sensational mexican starlet
rosetta nixon
Plays the head of bomber command
Whose passion for sea birds
ends in tragedy.
With ginger, as the half-man,
half-woman parrot
Whose unnatural instincts
Brought forbidden love
to the aviary.
And roger as pip, the half-
parrot, half-man, half-woman
Three-quarter badger,
ex-bigamist negro preacher
For whom banjo-playing
was very difficult.
And he never mastered it
Although he took several courses
and went to banjo college, uh...
And everything.
Don't miss it!
Coming to your cinema soon.
Only five minutes
from this restaurant.
But now...
It's...
Bloody repeats!
Yes, repeats
or war films.
It really makes you want
to micturate.
People on
television treat
The general public
like idiots.
Well, we are idiots.
Oh, no we are not!
Well, I am.
How do you know
you're an idiot?
Oh, I can show you.
How?
Look.
Ooh!
Ooh, wee! ooh, wee!
You see, the public
are idiots.
You might as well just show them
the last five miles of the m2.
They'd watch it, eh?
At last, they
done been put on
Something
interesting.
Oh, most
interesting.
Our figures show
conclusively
That these motorways are
extremely popular.
I mean, last time
we showed a repeat
Of the leicester
bypasss
Our ratings gave us 97,300,912
and itv nought.
So I do feel that we ought to
give "b" roads their own series.
I'm sorry, we just can't
give you a bigger budget.
Budgie?
No, he's
left.
Oh, oh.
why not?
We're only one slice
of the cake, you know.
Wouldn't mind
a slice of cake
Nice chocolate cake--
delicious.
I had a budgie once,
you know.
Lovely little budgie,
amusing little chap.
He used to stick
his head in a bell.
What was his name, now?
Joey,
uh...
Kennedy?
Xerxes?
We could
repeat them.
Reheat them?
No,
repeat them.
You don't reheat cakes--
Not chocolate cakes.
What, repeat
the cakes?
Mr. heath!
What!
That was the name of
the budgie.
Good lord,
the bar's open.
Oh! oh! oh!
Great off!
Oh, no.
no it isn't.
I was looking
at the little hand
That goes round
awfully fast.
Blast!
blast!
I've got it.
We can retitle the repeats.
What?
Give them different names?
Wouldn't that mean
retitling them?
Brilliant!
Oh, right.
All we need is
new titles
And they must
be damned new.
How about dad's navy?
Hmm, good, good.
Up your mother next door.
Even better.
Doctor at bee!
What?
what?
Someone's knocking
at the door.
Quite like it.
Bit long, though,
I think.
Far too long.
I married
lucy.
Oh, hasn't that
been done?
Oh, yes, a long
time ago.
But they'd never
remember it.
Doctor at three.
I think someone's
Knocking
at the door.
Well, that's
even longer.
I married
a tree.
And mother
makes tree.
Doctor
at cake.
Look, I'm not
absolutely certain
But, well, I do rather
get the impression
That there is someone
actually knocking
At the door
at this very moment.
That's ridiculous--
half the program gone.
Stop lengthening it!
I married a cake.
I married three
rabbit jelly molds.
Prefer "cake,"
especially chocky cake.
Open the
sodding door!
No, no. you can't say
"sodding" on television.
No, no.
You're supposed
to knock.
Sorry, sir, but there's
trouble at studio five.
You're in security,
aren't you?
Yes, sir.
Well, you're
not allowed
To suggest
program titles.
Sir, it's the
world war series
In studio five.
They're not taking it
seriously anymore.
You're
not allowed
To suggest
program titles!
Look!
Ow! mind me
war wound!
That's it!
that's the one!
Very good title!
Very good!
great.
Mind me war wound.
brilliant.
Fish, bananas, old pajamas,
mutton...
God! bloody world war ii series!
I hate them!
Oh, oh, it's a shame, mater--
damned predictable.
Just like bloody...
Day after day
after day after day!
Ugh!
Oh, evening star
If only we could have
a decent day tomorrow.
Oh! this weather's so wretched
and awful and filthy and...
What? what's going on?
What the hell is going...?
Now I can't even sleep!
What... what are they doing?
Huh? what was that?
What was it?
What... what's going on?
Oh... oh, I can't stand it!
All right! that does it!
that does it!
I'm going to get out...
What a lovely day!
Oh, I think I'm going to go...
I say.
Yes, daddy?
Croquet hoops
look damn pretty
This afternoon.
Frightfully
damn pretty.
They're
coming along
Awfully well
this year.
Yes, better than
Your aunt lavinia's
croquet hoops.
Oh, dreadful
tin things.
I did tell her to stick
to wood.
Yes, you can't beat wood.
Gorn...
What's gorn, dear?
Nothing, nothing.
No, I just like the word.
It gives me confidence.
Gorn...
Gorn-- it's got a sort of
woody quality about it.
Gorn...
Gorn...
Much better than
newspaper or litter bin.
Frightful words.
Perfectly dreadful.
Newspaper...
litter bin.
Dreadful tinny
sort of words.
Tin, tin, tin.
Oh, dear...
Don't say "tin"
to rebecca.
You know how
it upsets her.
Oh, sorry,
old horse.
Sausage.
Sausage!
There's a good woody
sort of word, sausage.
Gorn...
Antelope!
Where?
on the lawn?
No, no, daddy--
just the word.
Don't want an antelope
nibbling the hoops.
No, no, an-tel-ope.
Sort of nice and woody
type of thing.
Don't think so,
becky, old chap.
No, no.
Antelope,
antelope.
Tinny sort of word.
Oh! sorry, old man.
Really,
mansfield.
Well, she's got
to come to terms
With these things.
Seemly.
Prodding.
Vacuum.
Leap.
Oh! hate leap.
Perfectly dreadful.
Sort of p.v.c. sort of word,
don't you know?
Lower-middle.
Bound.
Now you're talking.
Bound.
Vole.
Recidivist.
Bit tinny.
Oh, sorry,
becky old beast.
Oh, dear, I suppose
She'll be gorn
for a few days now.
Caribou!
Splendid word!
No, dear--
nibbling the hoops.
Oh!
Caribou gorn.
Intercourse.
Later, dear.
No, no.
The word "intercourse,"
good and woody.
Intercourse...
Pert...
pert thighs.
Body, body, body.
Erogenous zone...
Oh, concubine!
Erogenous zone...
Loose woman.
Erogenous zone...
Oh!
Oh, thank you, dear.
You know, it's
a funny thing, dear.
All the naughty words
sound woody.
Really, dear?
How about "tit"?
Oh, dear.
I hadn't thought about that.
Tit, tit.
Oh, that's very
tinny, isn't it?
Tit, tit.
Ugh! tinny, tinny.
Oh, dear.
Ocelot.
Wasp.
Yowling.
Oh, dear, I'm bored.
I'd better go and have
a bath, I suppose.
Oh, really,
must you dear?
You've had nine today.
All right, I'll sack
one of the servants.
Simkins!
Nasty tinny
sort of name.
Simkins!
I say, mater, cabbage crates
coming over the briny.
Sorry, dear,
don't understand.
Uh, cow catchers
creeping up
On the conning towers.
No, sorry, old sport.
Um... caribou nibbling
at the croquet hoops.
Yes, mansfield shot one
in the antlers.
Oh, jolly good show.
Is, uh, is becca about?
No, she's gorn off.
What a super woody sort
of phrase, "gorn off."
Yes, she's gorn off
Because mansfield
said "tin" to her.
Oh, what rotten luck.
Oh, well, whole
afternoon to kill.
Better have a bath,
I suppose.
Oh, gervaise,
do sing me a song.
Oh, okay.
Something woody.
For...
She's going
to marry yum-yum!
Oh, crikey!
The old song's
finished her off.
What's urp?
Oh, I'm afraid mrs. vermin jones
Appears to have passed orn.
Dead, is she?
Afraid so.
What a blow for her.
What I want
to know
Mrs. elizabeth iii
Is why they show us
crap like this
When there's bits of the
leicester bypass
That have never
been shown.
Biskwit?
Oh! thank you.
Appearing on the m2 were...
Bloody repeats!
Bloody repeats!
Yes, repeats
or war films
Makes you want
to micturate.
Hello and welcome
to show jumping...
Oh, moto-cross!
Oh, good.
Just about to go into
a jump-off against the clock.
The slight pause is
for the stewards
Who are repairing
the sound of music.
Captain phillips on 'strewth
just caught one of the nuns
At the very start of what would
have been a fine clear round.
It's a formidable obstacle,
this sound of music--
Eight nuns high-- but
they're ready now and singing.
The hills are alive...
And there's the bell.
She's got 1:07 seconds to beat
But she needs
a clear round to win.
As she comes towards
the sound of music...
Quite exciting.
Hmm.
Beautifully taken.
And now she needs
to pick up speed
For oklahoma,
but not too much.
This is where alan jones
knocked down poor judd...
You notice how
We never actually
see the horses jump?
She's taken it superbly,
superb show jumping.
And she's coming up to the black
and white minstrel show.
Watch this.
Face the music and then...
She's taken it!
She's over the minstrels.
She just flicked
leslie crowther with her tail
But the time's good.
And now she turns before
coming into the final jump.
This is a tough one.
It's ben hur-- 46 chariots,
6,000 spectators, 400 slaves
Lion-handlers...
I bet we don't
see this one.
No.
We interrupt show jumping
to bring you a news flash.
The second world war has now
entered a sentimental stage.
This morning
on the ardennes front
The germans started
spooning at dawn
But the british
fifth army responded
By gazing deep into their eyes
And the germans are now reported
to have gone all coy.
When does
a dream begin?
Does it start with
a goodnight kiss?
Is it conceived
or simply achieved?
When does
a dream begin?
When does
a dream begin?
Is it born in
a moment of bliss?
Or is it begun
When two hearts
are one?
When does
a dream exist?
The vision of you
appears somehow
Impossible to resist
But I'm not imagining
seeing you
For who could have
dreamed of this?
When does
a dream begin?
When reality
is dismissed?
Or does it commence
When we lose
all pretense?
When does
a dream begin?