Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 2 - Michael Ellis - full transcript
In this episode, Chris Quinn enters a department store and demands to buy an ant named Marcus.
Yes, this looks
the sort of thing.
May I just try it?
Certainly, madam.
Oh, sorry, so sorry!
Yes, that's fine.
Is that on account,
madam?
Yes.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I thought you were
someone else.
Oh, I see, yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
Can I help you?
Yes, yes, as a matter of fact,
you can, actually.
I was interested in
the possibility of pur...
Can I ask you
who you thought I was?
What?
Who did you think I was
Just then, when you thought
I was somebody?
Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir.
Well, I might know them.
It's possible, obviously
But I think it's
really unlikely.
I mean, he's hardly likely to
move in your circles, sir.
Why, is he very rich?
Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir.
Is he a lord or something?
Not at all.
What is his name?
What?
What is his name?
Well, uh...
Yes?
Michael ellis.
Who?
Michael ellis.
I see.
Do you know him, sir?
Uh, michael ellis.
Michael ellis.
You don't?
Well, I don't
remember the name.
I think you would
remember him, sir.
Why do you say that?
Well, would you remember
A man six foot nine inches high
40-ish, and he's got
a scar from here to here
And absolutely no nose?
Oh, I think I do remember
somebody like that.
Well, that's not michael ellis.
Right...
He's a small man
about this high
With a high-
pitched voice.
Right, I'm not going to
buy an ant from you now.
Oh, no, please.
You've not been
properly trained.
Come on, please.
I want another assistant.
All right, I'll get
another assistant.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Can I help you?
No, I want
a different assistant.
I am, sir-- I'm
mr. abanazar, sir.
Don't be silly.
Oh, no, please, please
let me help you.
No! I want
another assistant.
Oh, no, come on, please.
If you don't...
I'll be very good,
sir, really.
Good morning, sir.
How are you, sir?
Bit parky outside
today, isn't it, sir?
A very nice suit
you've got there, sir.
Right, I'm going.
No, no, please.
I'll get you
another assistant.
All right.
It's not him.
I don't want him.
Oh, please,
give him a chance.
No!
Yes, sir, can I be
of any assistance?
Oh, come on, don't try that.
Try what, sir?
You know
Perfectly well.
You were down behind there
with a silly mask on
Going
I don't think
I was, sir.
Get the manager.
There seems to have been
a misunderstanding, sir.
Manager!
This is the manager, sir.
What?
Yes, I'm
the manager.
Smashing store, this.
I can't recommend it too highly.
Well lit, rat-free,
it's a joy to manage.
Oh, yes, freshest haddock
in london, second floor
Third floor ribena, ants here
Behind there our
dinner wagon exhibition.
Manager!
Quick!
Yes, sir, can I help you, sir?
Yes, I want to complain about
the assistants on this counter.
I'm sorry, sir--
which ones?
Well, they're hiding now.
Sir?
They're hiding, down there
behind the counter.
I see, sir.
Well, there's nobody
down here, sir.
They must have crawled
through here
And made their escape
through "soft toys."
Yes, of course.
They were wearing masks
and making silly noises
And one of them pretended
to be the manager.
He spoke like this:
Oh, yes, I'm the manager.
Smashing store
to manage, this.
I think
I've got it, sir.
I think I've got it--
it's rag week.
Rag week?
Yes, you know,
for charity, sir.
Oh, I see, some local
college or university?
No, no, it's
the store's rag week.
The store's rag week?
Yes, the senior staff
don't join in much.
It's for the trainees,
really.
Not very good
for business, is it?
Oh, it's
for charity, sir.
People are awfully good
about it, you know.
Oh, I see.
Right, sir, I'll get
you a senior assistant.
Ants, was it?
Yes, please.
Mr. snetterton?
I don't want him!
Oh, please,
give me a chance.
No!
All right, mr. hartford.
Yes, good morning, sir,
can I help you?
Yes, please, I'm interested
in buying an ant.
Ah, yes, and what price were
you thinking of paying, sir?
Oh, well, I hadn't
actually got as far as that.
Well, sir, they start
about half a p
But they can go as high
as three p
Or even 31/2p for a champion.
Inflation, I'm afraid.
Well, I should think one
about 11/2p, please.
Ah, yes, well, you should get
A very serviceable little animal
for that, sir.
Quite frankly,
the half-p ones
Are a bit
on the mangy side.
What length was sir
thinking of?
Oh, medium?
Medium, medium,
medium, medium...
Yes, here we are.
Now, that one there
is an ayrshire
And that one there is a
king george bitch, I think.
And that one killing the little
flitbat is an afghan.
That's a nice one.
Let's see how you
get on with him, eh?
Ah, yes, he likes you.
He's taken to you.
What do you feed them on?
Uh, blancmange.
Blancmange?
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
No, you don't feed them at all.
Well, what do they live on?
They don't-- they die.
They die?
Well, of course
they do
If you don't feed them.
I don't understand.
You let them die, then you buy
another one.
It's much cheaper
than feeding them
And that way, you have
a constant variety
Of little companions.
That's the advantage
of owning an ant.
Right, well,
I'll take this one.
Oh, dear,
I've dropped it.
Never mind, here's
another one.
Is there anything
else I'll need?
Yes, sir, you'll need
an ant house.
This is the model
we recommend, sir.
Won't it get out
of there?
Yes.
What's the point
of having the cage?
Well, none
at all, really.
And then some little
pieces of cage furniture
Which will keep
him entertained.
There's an ant wheel,
and a little ant swing
And here's a very nice one
here, a little ladder.
He can run up there
and ring the bell.
That's a trick
he can learn.
Will he live
long enough?
Not really, no, but
it's best to have one.
And here's a two-way radio
he can play with
And then of course,
you'll need the book.
The book?
Yes, yes,
the book on ants.
I see.
So, sir, that is, if I may
say so, funt184 11/2p, sir.
Will you take a check?
Yes, sir, if you don't mind leaving
a blood sample
And a piece of skin off the back
of the scalp just here, sir.
Sorry, just for
identification.
Can't be
too careful.
Well, I think I'll put it
on account.
I should, sir.
Much less painful.
There we are.
Anyway, sir, you know what they
say about an ant--
A friend for life, eh?
Well, a friend for
its life, anyway.
Now, then, here we are.
His name is marcus.
Right, if the little
chap should go
To an early grave,
sir, give us a ring
And we'll stick a few in
an envelope, all right?
Thanks very much indeed.
Not at all,
thank you, mr. ellis.
What did you say?
"thank you, mr. ellis."
It's not him.
Why did you say "mr. ellis"?
Who?
No, he didn't
say that.
I heard him say,
"thank you, mr. ellis."
Ah, no, no.
He said,
"I'm jealous."
What?
I'm jealous
of your ant.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye!
I don't care
who michael ellis is.
Papism will be
stamped out
With the iron boot of punishment
and enlightenment.
Excuse me, I was
in the ant counter and...
Papism will be
stamped out
With the iron boot of punishment
and enlightenment.
...the lord
himself who said
Stamp out
the papist swine.
Will mr. michael ellis please go
straight to
the manager's office.
I'll repeat that--
will mr. nigel mellish
please go straight
to the manager's office.
What you got now?
I bought an ant, mother.
What do you want
one of them for?
I'm not going
to clean it out.
You said you'd clean the tiger
out, but do you? no.
Suppose you've lost
interest in it now.
Now it'll be ant-ant-ant
for a couple of days
Then all of a sudden
"oh, mum, I've bought
a sloth"
Or some other odd-toed
ungulate like a tapir.
No, it's really
different this time, mum.
I'm really going to
look after this ant.
That's what you said
about the sperm whale.
Now your papa's having
to use it as a garage.
Well, you didn't
feed it properly.
Where are we going to get
44 tons of plankton
from every morning?
Your papa was dead vexed
about that.
They thought he was mad
in the deli.
Well, at least he's
got a free garage.
That's no good to him.
His hillman smells
all fishy.
Oh, blimey, that's the tiger.
He wants his mandies.
Are you giving
that tiger drugs?
'course I'm giving it drugs.
It's illegal.
You try telling that
to the tiger.
Well, I think
it's dangerous.
Listen, before
he started fixing
He used to get through four
jehovah witnesses a day.
And he used to eat all of them,
except the pamphlets.
Well, he's not dim.
All right!
I'm going
to watch tv.
Come on, marcus.
Michael's been on the phone
All day for you.
Michael?
Yeah, you know, michael...
michael!
Michael ellis.
Yeah, he's been
on the phone all day.
He came round twice.
What does
he look like?
Oh, I didn't
see him.
The orange-rumped agouti
answered the door.
Only useful animal
you ever bought, that.
Where is he now?
He's upstairs forging
prescriptions
For the sodding tiger.
No, no, where is
michael ellis now?
Oh, I don't know.
He said it wasn't
important, anyway.
All right, here I come.
Um...
Hello, and welcome
to the university
of the air.
And first
this afternoon
part 17
of our series
on animal
communications.
This afternoon, we look
at recent discoveries
in the field of intraspecific
signaling codes
in the family
formicidae.
Ooh, that's
a stroke of luck, marcus.
Turn that
bloody thing off!
We interrupt
this program
to bring you
the latest news
of the extraordinary
michael ellis saga.
Apparently michael ellis...
Hey, I was watching that!
Bloody thing.
It's upsetting
the tiger.
Oh, christ.
...nd of the announcement.
And now back to
university of the air
And our series for advanced
medical students
Elements of surgical
homeopathic practice.
Part 68, "ants."
Ah! we're in luck again, marcus.
Hello, formicidophiles.
Well, before all the blood
and guts you're waiting to see
let's have a look at the anatomy
of the little ant.
The body of the ant is divided
into three sections--
the head, the thorax
and the abdomen.
They are enclosed in
a hard armorlike covering
called the exoskeleton
which provides some protection
from other nasty little insects
but, unfortunately, not
from the dissector's scalpel.
See, nothing to it.
He's not such a toughie.
And his legs--
they help him carry
hundreds of times his own weight
but look at this.
You're not so strong
compared with me.
Four, five, six... ha!
I didn't know ants had
six legs, marcus.
I assure you,
they do, mr. ellis.
Hey, you've got
two legs missing.
And that's a false feeler,
marcus.
Blimey!
I'm taking this ant
back, mother.
It's got two legs
missing.
Mrs. mcwong's been
on the phone.
The polar bear's been
in her garden again.
Well, I'll get it on the way back
from the store.
Well, mind you do.
His droppings
are enormous.
Oh, and by the way,
while you're out
Get us another couple
of tellies, would you?
Here's 180 quid.
Second floor.
Stationery, leather goods,
nasal injuries
Cricket bats, film stars,
dolphinariums.
Third floor.
Cosmetics, books,
irish massage
Tribal headgear, ants
But not complaints
about ants.
Oh, where do I go
to complain?
Straight on, then left,
then right past the thing
Then up the little stairs
Then right past the bit
where it's gone all soft
Then down the wobbly bit,
left past the nail
Past the brown stain
on the wall to your right
And it's the door
marked "exit"
Straight ahead of you
on the left.
Thank you.
Fourth floor.
Kiddies' vasectomies...
I don't want you.
Oh, something wrong with
your little ant friend?
No, I'm not going
to tell you.
Oh, something missing
in the leg department?
No.
Yes, sir, can i
help you, sir?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's all right, sir.
It's for the sack race
later on, sir.
No, no, no, I want to speak
to the general manager.
I want to complain.
Oh, you want the toupee hall,
in that case, sir.
The what?
The toupee hall,
mr. ellis.
Excuse me,
could you tell me
The way to
the toupee hall, please?
Sorry?
The toupee hall.
The what?!
The toupee hall.
Oh, the toupee hall.
Gladys, where are
toupees now?
Toupees?
Mm, this gentleman
wants one.
A toupee?
Mm.
Well, no, actually...
Oh, I think they're in surgical
appliances now.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, you go left at artificial limbs
and hearing aids
Right at dentures
And it's on your left
just by glass eyes.
It doesn't say toupees to
avoid embarrassing people
But you can smell them.
Thank you.
You can see the join.
Yes, you can.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
It's so nice to see such
a large turnout this afternoon.
And I'd like to start off
By welcoming our guest speakers
for this afternoon
Mr. wadsworth...
Wordsworth.
Sorry, wordsworth.
Mr. john koots
And percy bysshe.
Shelley.
Just a little one,
medium dry.
And alfred lorde.
Tennyson.
Tennisball.
Son.
Sorry, alfred lord
Who is evidently
lord tennisball's son.
And to start off
I'm going to ask mr. wadswroth
to recite his latest offering
A little pram entitled
"I wandered lonely as a crab"
And it's all about ants.
I wandered lonely as a cloud...
Oh!
That floats on high
O'er vales and hills
When all at once,
I saw a crowd
A host of golden worker ants.
Thank you, thank you,
mr. bradlaugh.
Now, mr. bysshe...
Shelley.
Oh!
Is going to read one
of his latest psalms
Entitled "ode to a crab."
Well, it's not
about crabs, actually.
It's called
"ozymandias."
It's not an ode.
I met a traveler
in an antique land
Who said "six vast
and trunkless legs of stone
"stand in the desert.
"and on the pedestal,
these words appear--
"'my name is ozymandias,
king of ants.
"'look on
my feelers, termites
"'and despair
"'i am the biggest ant
you'll ever see.
"'the ants of old
weren't half as bold
And big and
fierce as me.'"
Thank you.
Thank you, mr. amontillado.
I'd like to ask one
or two of you at the back
Not to soil the carpet.
There is a restroom upstairs if
you find the poems too exciting.
Good afternoon.
Next, mr. dennis keat
will recite his latest problem
"ode to a glass of sherry."
My heart aches
And a drowsy numbness pains
my senses
As though an anteater
I'd seen...
A nasty long-nosed brute...
With furry legs and sticky
darting tongue.
I seem to feel its cruel jaws
Crunch! crunch! there go my legs
Snap! snap! my thorax, too.
My head's in a twain,
there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow...
It's true,
don't you see?
It's true.
It happens, it happens.
Please.
Ladies and gentlemen
I do apologize for that last...
Well, I hesitate to call it
a pram.
But I had no idea.
And talking of filth
I have asked you once
about the carpet.
Now, I do appreciate
That last poem was
very frightening, but please...
Now, before we move on
to tea and pramwiches
I would like to ask
arthur lord tenniscourt
To give us
his latest little plum
Entitled "the charge
of the ant brigade."
Half an inch...
Half an inch...
The queen,
the queen.
My loyal subjects,
we are here today
On a matter of
national import.
My late husband and we
are increasingly disturbed
By recent developments
in literary style
Vich have taken place
here in germany... er, england.
There seems to be an increasing
tendency for ze ent...
The ent... the ant
To become the dominant...
Was is der deutsches
entwicklungsbund...
Theme.
Theme of modern poetry
here in germany.
We are not... amusiert?
Entertained.
Entertained.
From now on,
ants is verboten.
Instead, it's skylarks,
daffodils, nightingales
Light brigades and...
Was ist das
shcreckliche gepong?
Es schmecke wie
ein scheisshaus
Und so weiter.
Well, we must away now
Or we shall be late
for the races.
God bless you, alles.
Electric kettles
over here, sir.
Don't worry, sir.
You're amongst
friends now, sir.
Mr. bradford,
mr. crawley.
These are our
fitters, sir.
We've had a lot of experience
in this field
And we do
pride ourselves
We offer the best and most
discreet service available.
I don't know
Whether you believe this, sir
But one of us is
actually wearing
A toupee at
this moment.
Well, you all are,
aren't you?
Have you got one?
No, I thought you...
I didn't know
you two...
I thought it was me.
I thought it was me.
So did i.
That is good.
Actually, I only came in here
To ask where
the manager's office was.
Just a minute.
Someone told you
we all had toupees?
No.
Oh, yeah?
How did you know?
Well, it's pretty obvious,
isn't it?
What do you mean,
obvious?
His is
undetectable.
Well, it's a different color,
for a start.
Is it?
Of course, it isn't.
It doesn't fit in with the rest
of his hair.
It sort of sticks up in
the middle.
Well, it's better
than yours.
Yes.
I'm not wearing
one.
Why did you come
in here then?
They told me to find
the manager's office here.
Oh, no, not again.
That's a bit lame,
isn't it?
It's the truth.
Manager's office?
Where'd you
get that, eh?
Mac fisheries?
Dreadful,
isn't it?
Nylon?
It's not, it's real, look.
Yeah, anyone
can do that.
Come on, get it off.
Look, do you want
a proper one?
No, I don't
need one.
There's no need
to be ashamed.
Look, we've all owned up.
I'm not wearing one.
Don't you see,
this is something
You've got to come
to terms with.
I am not wearing a toupee.
They just told me
to come in here
To find the manager's office
to complain about my ant.
Complain about
an ant?
Look, this is
for your own good.
All right,
take a seat.
You see, it ought
to have a safety catch.
I mean...
Ooh!
I mean, what if this fell
into the wrong hands?
Yes, madam,
I'll speak
To the makers personally,
all right?
Oh, would you?
It would put my mind
at ease.
Sorry, oh, sorry.
Next.
He's still
molesting her.
Yes, yes, I'll see you in
a moment, sir.
I've got a complaint to make.
Ah, take a seat.
I'm sorry
it's on fire.
Oh, not at all.
I got used to this
out east.
Ah, where were you out east?
Oh, norway, sweden,
places like that.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
My suit seems
to be catching fire.
Extinguisher?
Oh, no, thank you.
I think we'd better
let it run its course.
I was just thinking
Norway is not
very east, is it?
No, I should have said,
"when I was out north."
Yes, are there
many fires in norway?
Oh, good lord, yes.
The place is
a constant blaze.
Wooden buildings,
you know.
Oh, yes.
I lost my wife
in norway.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Why, did you know her?
No, no, I don't...
No, she wasn't
a favorite of mine.
No, we were out strolling
across a fjord one day
When one of the local matadors
came out of his tree house
And flung a load of old scimitars
and guillotines out
That he'd got cluttering up
his wine cellar
And apparently, rather
a large proportion of them
Landed on my wife
Causing her to snuff it
without much more ado.
Yes, yes.
Well, look...
Here is an important
announcement
about michael ellis.
It is now the end
of "michael ellis" week.
From now on,
it is "chris quinn" week.
What a rotten ending.
Well, it is one
of our cheapest, sir.
What else have you got?
Well, there's
the long, slow pullout, sir
You know, the camera tracks
back and back and mixes...
No, no, no.
Have you got anything
more exciting?
Well, how about
a chase?
There he is!
Oh, no, no.
Walking into the sunset?
What's that one?
You know, two lone
figures silhouetted
Against the dying rays
of the setting sun.
The music swells
And you've got a lump
in your throat
And a tear in your eye.
Oh, no.
Pity, I rather like that one.
No, they're all a bit
off the point, you see.
Well, there is one
That ties up the whole
michael ellis thing, but...
But what?
Oh, no, nothing, nothing.
Look, who is this michael ellis?
How about a happy ending, sir?
Chris, thank god
you're safe.
No, you wouldn't want that,
would you?
Why wouldn't I want that?
What about summing up
from the panel?
That's cheap.
What?
You know, the big match experts.
Yes, that was quite
a good show, you know.
I think that the
michael ellis character
Was a little overdone.
Well, I don't agree
with that, malcolm.
Quite frankly,
the only bit I liked was
This bit with me
in it now.
No? slow fade?
Nnn... no.
Well, how about
a sudden ending?
the sort of thing.
May I just try it?
Certainly, madam.
Oh, sorry, so sorry!
Yes, that's fine.
Is that on account,
madam?
Yes.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I thought you were
someone else.
Oh, I see, yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
Can I help you?
Yes, yes, as a matter of fact,
you can, actually.
I was interested in
the possibility of pur...
Can I ask you
who you thought I was?
What?
Who did you think I was
Just then, when you thought
I was somebody?
Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir.
Well, I might know them.
It's possible, obviously
But I think it's
really unlikely.
I mean, he's hardly likely to
move in your circles, sir.
Why, is he very rich?
Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir.
Is he a lord or something?
Not at all.
What is his name?
What?
What is his name?
Well, uh...
Yes?
Michael ellis.
Who?
Michael ellis.
I see.
Do you know him, sir?
Uh, michael ellis.
Michael ellis.
You don't?
Well, I don't
remember the name.
I think you would
remember him, sir.
Why do you say that?
Well, would you remember
A man six foot nine inches high
40-ish, and he's got
a scar from here to here
And absolutely no nose?
Oh, I think I do remember
somebody like that.
Well, that's not michael ellis.
Right...
He's a small man
about this high
With a high-
pitched voice.
Right, I'm not going to
buy an ant from you now.
Oh, no, please.
You've not been
properly trained.
Come on, please.
I want another assistant.
All right, I'll get
another assistant.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Can I help you?
No, I want
a different assistant.
I am, sir-- I'm
mr. abanazar, sir.
Don't be silly.
Oh, no, please, please
let me help you.
No! I want
another assistant.
Oh, no, come on, please.
If you don't...
I'll be very good,
sir, really.
Good morning, sir.
How are you, sir?
Bit parky outside
today, isn't it, sir?
A very nice suit
you've got there, sir.
Right, I'm going.
No, no, please.
I'll get you
another assistant.
All right.
It's not him.
I don't want him.
Oh, please,
give him a chance.
No!
Yes, sir, can I be
of any assistance?
Oh, come on, don't try that.
Try what, sir?
You know
Perfectly well.
You were down behind there
with a silly mask on
Going
I don't think
I was, sir.
Get the manager.
There seems to have been
a misunderstanding, sir.
Manager!
This is the manager, sir.
What?
Yes, I'm
the manager.
Smashing store, this.
I can't recommend it too highly.
Well lit, rat-free,
it's a joy to manage.
Oh, yes, freshest haddock
in london, second floor
Third floor ribena, ants here
Behind there our
dinner wagon exhibition.
Manager!
Quick!
Yes, sir, can I help you, sir?
Yes, I want to complain about
the assistants on this counter.
I'm sorry, sir--
which ones?
Well, they're hiding now.
Sir?
They're hiding, down there
behind the counter.
I see, sir.
Well, there's nobody
down here, sir.
They must have crawled
through here
And made their escape
through "soft toys."
Yes, of course.
They were wearing masks
and making silly noises
And one of them pretended
to be the manager.
He spoke like this:
Oh, yes, I'm the manager.
Smashing store
to manage, this.
I think
I've got it, sir.
I think I've got it--
it's rag week.
Rag week?
Yes, you know,
for charity, sir.
Oh, I see, some local
college or university?
No, no, it's
the store's rag week.
The store's rag week?
Yes, the senior staff
don't join in much.
It's for the trainees,
really.
Not very good
for business, is it?
Oh, it's
for charity, sir.
People are awfully good
about it, you know.
Oh, I see.
Right, sir, I'll get
you a senior assistant.
Ants, was it?
Yes, please.
Mr. snetterton?
I don't want him!
Oh, please,
give me a chance.
No!
All right, mr. hartford.
Yes, good morning, sir,
can I help you?
Yes, please, I'm interested
in buying an ant.
Ah, yes, and what price were
you thinking of paying, sir?
Oh, well, I hadn't
actually got as far as that.
Well, sir, they start
about half a p
But they can go as high
as three p
Or even 31/2p for a champion.
Inflation, I'm afraid.
Well, I should think one
about 11/2p, please.
Ah, yes, well, you should get
A very serviceable little animal
for that, sir.
Quite frankly,
the half-p ones
Are a bit
on the mangy side.
What length was sir
thinking of?
Oh, medium?
Medium, medium,
medium, medium...
Yes, here we are.
Now, that one there
is an ayrshire
And that one there is a
king george bitch, I think.
And that one killing the little
flitbat is an afghan.
That's a nice one.
Let's see how you
get on with him, eh?
Ah, yes, he likes you.
He's taken to you.
What do you feed them on?
Uh, blancmange.
Blancmange?
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
No, you don't feed them at all.
Well, what do they live on?
They don't-- they die.
They die?
Well, of course
they do
If you don't feed them.
I don't understand.
You let them die, then you buy
another one.
It's much cheaper
than feeding them
And that way, you have
a constant variety
Of little companions.
That's the advantage
of owning an ant.
Right, well,
I'll take this one.
Oh, dear,
I've dropped it.
Never mind, here's
another one.
Is there anything
else I'll need?
Yes, sir, you'll need
an ant house.
This is the model
we recommend, sir.
Won't it get out
of there?
Yes.
What's the point
of having the cage?
Well, none
at all, really.
And then some little
pieces of cage furniture
Which will keep
him entertained.
There's an ant wheel,
and a little ant swing
And here's a very nice one
here, a little ladder.
He can run up there
and ring the bell.
That's a trick
he can learn.
Will he live
long enough?
Not really, no, but
it's best to have one.
And here's a two-way radio
he can play with
And then of course,
you'll need the book.
The book?
Yes, yes,
the book on ants.
I see.
So, sir, that is, if I may
say so, funt184 11/2p, sir.
Will you take a check?
Yes, sir, if you don't mind leaving
a blood sample
And a piece of skin off the back
of the scalp just here, sir.
Sorry, just for
identification.
Can't be
too careful.
Well, I think I'll put it
on account.
I should, sir.
Much less painful.
There we are.
Anyway, sir, you know what they
say about an ant--
A friend for life, eh?
Well, a friend for
its life, anyway.
Now, then, here we are.
His name is marcus.
Right, if the little
chap should go
To an early grave,
sir, give us a ring
And we'll stick a few in
an envelope, all right?
Thanks very much indeed.
Not at all,
thank you, mr. ellis.
What did you say?
"thank you, mr. ellis."
It's not him.
Why did you say "mr. ellis"?
Who?
No, he didn't
say that.
I heard him say,
"thank you, mr. ellis."
Ah, no, no.
He said,
"I'm jealous."
What?
I'm jealous
of your ant.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye!
I don't care
who michael ellis is.
Papism will be
stamped out
With the iron boot of punishment
and enlightenment.
Excuse me, I was
in the ant counter and...
Papism will be
stamped out
With the iron boot of punishment
and enlightenment.
...the lord
himself who said
Stamp out
the papist swine.
Will mr. michael ellis please go
straight to
the manager's office.
I'll repeat that--
will mr. nigel mellish
please go straight
to the manager's office.
What you got now?
I bought an ant, mother.
What do you want
one of them for?
I'm not going
to clean it out.
You said you'd clean the tiger
out, but do you? no.
Suppose you've lost
interest in it now.
Now it'll be ant-ant-ant
for a couple of days
Then all of a sudden
"oh, mum, I've bought
a sloth"
Or some other odd-toed
ungulate like a tapir.
No, it's really
different this time, mum.
I'm really going to
look after this ant.
That's what you said
about the sperm whale.
Now your papa's having
to use it as a garage.
Well, you didn't
feed it properly.
Where are we going to get
44 tons of plankton
from every morning?
Your papa was dead vexed
about that.
They thought he was mad
in the deli.
Well, at least he's
got a free garage.
That's no good to him.
His hillman smells
all fishy.
Oh, blimey, that's the tiger.
He wants his mandies.
Are you giving
that tiger drugs?
'course I'm giving it drugs.
It's illegal.
You try telling that
to the tiger.
Well, I think
it's dangerous.
Listen, before
he started fixing
He used to get through four
jehovah witnesses a day.
And he used to eat all of them,
except the pamphlets.
Well, he's not dim.
All right!
I'm going
to watch tv.
Come on, marcus.
Michael's been on the phone
All day for you.
Michael?
Yeah, you know, michael...
michael!
Michael ellis.
Yeah, he's been
on the phone all day.
He came round twice.
What does
he look like?
Oh, I didn't
see him.
The orange-rumped agouti
answered the door.
Only useful animal
you ever bought, that.
Where is he now?
He's upstairs forging
prescriptions
For the sodding tiger.
No, no, where is
michael ellis now?
Oh, I don't know.
He said it wasn't
important, anyway.
All right, here I come.
Um...
Hello, and welcome
to the university
of the air.
And first
this afternoon
part 17
of our series
on animal
communications.
This afternoon, we look
at recent discoveries
in the field of intraspecific
signaling codes
in the family
formicidae.
Ooh, that's
a stroke of luck, marcus.
Turn that
bloody thing off!
We interrupt
this program
to bring you
the latest news
of the extraordinary
michael ellis saga.
Apparently michael ellis...
Hey, I was watching that!
Bloody thing.
It's upsetting
the tiger.
Oh, christ.
...nd of the announcement.
And now back to
university of the air
And our series for advanced
medical students
Elements of surgical
homeopathic practice.
Part 68, "ants."
Ah! we're in luck again, marcus.
Hello, formicidophiles.
Well, before all the blood
and guts you're waiting to see
let's have a look at the anatomy
of the little ant.
The body of the ant is divided
into three sections--
the head, the thorax
and the abdomen.
They are enclosed in
a hard armorlike covering
called the exoskeleton
which provides some protection
from other nasty little insects
but, unfortunately, not
from the dissector's scalpel.
See, nothing to it.
He's not such a toughie.
And his legs--
they help him carry
hundreds of times his own weight
but look at this.
You're not so strong
compared with me.
Four, five, six... ha!
I didn't know ants had
six legs, marcus.
I assure you,
they do, mr. ellis.
Hey, you've got
two legs missing.
And that's a false feeler,
marcus.
Blimey!
I'm taking this ant
back, mother.
It's got two legs
missing.
Mrs. mcwong's been
on the phone.
The polar bear's been
in her garden again.
Well, I'll get it on the way back
from the store.
Well, mind you do.
His droppings
are enormous.
Oh, and by the way,
while you're out
Get us another couple
of tellies, would you?
Here's 180 quid.
Second floor.
Stationery, leather goods,
nasal injuries
Cricket bats, film stars,
dolphinariums.
Third floor.
Cosmetics, books,
irish massage
Tribal headgear, ants
But not complaints
about ants.
Oh, where do I go
to complain?
Straight on, then left,
then right past the thing
Then up the little stairs
Then right past the bit
where it's gone all soft
Then down the wobbly bit,
left past the nail
Past the brown stain
on the wall to your right
And it's the door
marked "exit"
Straight ahead of you
on the left.
Thank you.
Fourth floor.
Kiddies' vasectomies...
I don't want you.
Oh, something wrong with
your little ant friend?
No, I'm not going
to tell you.
Oh, something missing
in the leg department?
No.
Yes, sir, can i
help you, sir?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's all right, sir.
It's for the sack race
later on, sir.
No, no, no, I want to speak
to the general manager.
I want to complain.
Oh, you want the toupee hall,
in that case, sir.
The what?
The toupee hall,
mr. ellis.
Excuse me,
could you tell me
The way to
the toupee hall, please?
Sorry?
The toupee hall.
The what?!
The toupee hall.
Oh, the toupee hall.
Gladys, where are
toupees now?
Toupees?
Mm, this gentleman
wants one.
A toupee?
Mm.
Well, no, actually...
Oh, I think they're in surgical
appliances now.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, you go left at artificial limbs
and hearing aids
Right at dentures
And it's on your left
just by glass eyes.
It doesn't say toupees to
avoid embarrassing people
But you can smell them.
Thank you.
You can see the join.
Yes, you can.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
It's so nice to see such
a large turnout this afternoon.
And I'd like to start off
By welcoming our guest speakers
for this afternoon
Mr. wadsworth...
Wordsworth.
Sorry, wordsworth.
Mr. john koots
And percy bysshe.
Shelley.
Just a little one,
medium dry.
And alfred lorde.
Tennyson.
Tennisball.
Son.
Sorry, alfred lord
Who is evidently
lord tennisball's son.
And to start off
I'm going to ask mr. wadswroth
to recite his latest offering
A little pram entitled
"I wandered lonely as a crab"
And it's all about ants.
I wandered lonely as a cloud...
Oh!
That floats on high
O'er vales and hills
When all at once,
I saw a crowd
A host of golden worker ants.
Thank you, thank you,
mr. bradlaugh.
Now, mr. bysshe...
Shelley.
Oh!
Is going to read one
of his latest psalms
Entitled "ode to a crab."
Well, it's not
about crabs, actually.
It's called
"ozymandias."
It's not an ode.
I met a traveler
in an antique land
Who said "six vast
and trunkless legs of stone
"stand in the desert.
"and on the pedestal,
these words appear--
"'my name is ozymandias,
king of ants.
"'look on
my feelers, termites
"'and despair
"'i am the biggest ant
you'll ever see.
"'the ants of old
weren't half as bold
And big and
fierce as me.'"
Thank you.
Thank you, mr. amontillado.
I'd like to ask one
or two of you at the back
Not to soil the carpet.
There is a restroom upstairs if
you find the poems too exciting.
Good afternoon.
Next, mr. dennis keat
will recite his latest problem
"ode to a glass of sherry."
My heart aches
And a drowsy numbness pains
my senses
As though an anteater
I'd seen...
A nasty long-nosed brute...
With furry legs and sticky
darting tongue.
I seem to feel its cruel jaws
Crunch! crunch! there go my legs
Snap! snap! my thorax, too.
My head's in a twain,
there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow...
It's true,
don't you see?
It's true.
It happens, it happens.
Please.
Ladies and gentlemen
I do apologize for that last...
Well, I hesitate to call it
a pram.
But I had no idea.
And talking of filth
I have asked you once
about the carpet.
Now, I do appreciate
That last poem was
very frightening, but please...
Now, before we move on
to tea and pramwiches
I would like to ask
arthur lord tenniscourt
To give us
his latest little plum
Entitled "the charge
of the ant brigade."
Half an inch...
Half an inch...
The queen,
the queen.
My loyal subjects,
we are here today
On a matter of
national import.
My late husband and we
are increasingly disturbed
By recent developments
in literary style
Vich have taken place
here in germany... er, england.
There seems to be an increasing
tendency for ze ent...
The ent... the ant
To become the dominant...
Was is der deutsches
entwicklungsbund...
Theme.
Theme of modern poetry
here in germany.
We are not... amusiert?
Entertained.
Entertained.
From now on,
ants is verboten.
Instead, it's skylarks,
daffodils, nightingales
Light brigades and...
Was ist das
shcreckliche gepong?
Es schmecke wie
ein scheisshaus
Und so weiter.
Well, we must away now
Or we shall be late
for the races.
God bless you, alles.
Electric kettles
over here, sir.
Don't worry, sir.
You're amongst
friends now, sir.
Mr. bradford,
mr. crawley.
These are our
fitters, sir.
We've had a lot of experience
in this field
And we do
pride ourselves
We offer the best and most
discreet service available.
I don't know
Whether you believe this, sir
But one of us is
actually wearing
A toupee at
this moment.
Well, you all are,
aren't you?
Have you got one?
No, I thought you...
I didn't know
you two...
I thought it was me.
I thought it was me.
So did i.
That is good.
Actually, I only came in here
To ask where
the manager's office was.
Just a minute.
Someone told you
we all had toupees?
No.
Oh, yeah?
How did you know?
Well, it's pretty obvious,
isn't it?
What do you mean,
obvious?
His is
undetectable.
Well, it's a different color,
for a start.
Is it?
Of course, it isn't.
It doesn't fit in with the rest
of his hair.
It sort of sticks up in
the middle.
Well, it's better
than yours.
Yes.
I'm not wearing
one.
Why did you come
in here then?
They told me to find
the manager's office here.
Oh, no, not again.
That's a bit lame,
isn't it?
It's the truth.
Manager's office?
Where'd you
get that, eh?
Mac fisheries?
Dreadful,
isn't it?
Nylon?
It's not, it's real, look.
Yeah, anyone
can do that.
Come on, get it off.
Look, do you want
a proper one?
No, I don't
need one.
There's no need
to be ashamed.
Look, we've all owned up.
I'm not wearing one.
Don't you see,
this is something
You've got to come
to terms with.
I am not wearing a toupee.
They just told me
to come in here
To find the manager's office
to complain about my ant.
Complain about
an ant?
Look, this is
for your own good.
All right,
take a seat.
You see, it ought
to have a safety catch.
I mean...
Ooh!
I mean, what if this fell
into the wrong hands?
Yes, madam,
I'll speak
To the makers personally,
all right?
Oh, would you?
It would put my mind
at ease.
Sorry, oh, sorry.
Next.
He's still
molesting her.
Yes, yes, I'll see you in
a moment, sir.
I've got a complaint to make.
Ah, take a seat.
I'm sorry
it's on fire.
Oh, not at all.
I got used to this
out east.
Ah, where were you out east?
Oh, norway, sweden,
places like that.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
My suit seems
to be catching fire.
Extinguisher?
Oh, no, thank you.
I think we'd better
let it run its course.
I was just thinking
Norway is not
very east, is it?
No, I should have said,
"when I was out north."
Yes, are there
many fires in norway?
Oh, good lord, yes.
The place is
a constant blaze.
Wooden buildings,
you know.
Oh, yes.
I lost my wife
in norway.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Why, did you know her?
No, no, I don't...
No, she wasn't
a favorite of mine.
No, we were out strolling
across a fjord one day
When one of the local matadors
came out of his tree house
And flung a load of old scimitars
and guillotines out
That he'd got cluttering up
his wine cellar
And apparently, rather
a large proportion of them
Landed on my wife
Causing her to snuff it
without much more ado.
Yes, yes.
Well, look...
Here is an important
announcement
about michael ellis.
It is now the end
of "michael ellis" week.
From now on,
it is "chris quinn" week.
What a rotten ending.
Well, it is one
of our cheapest, sir.
What else have you got?
Well, there's
the long, slow pullout, sir
You know, the camera tracks
back and back and mixes...
No, no, no.
Have you got anything
more exciting?
Well, how about
a chase?
There he is!
Oh, no, no.
Walking into the sunset?
What's that one?
You know, two lone
figures silhouetted
Against the dying rays
of the setting sun.
The music swells
And you've got a lump
in your throat
And a tear in your eye.
Oh, no.
Pity, I rather like that one.
No, they're all a bit
off the point, you see.
Well, there is one
That ties up the whole
michael ellis thing, but...
But what?
Oh, no, nothing, nothing.
Look, who is this michael ellis?
How about a happy ending, sir?
Chris, thank god
you're safe.
No, you wouldn't want that,
would you?
Why wouldn't I want that?
What about summing up
from the panel?
That's cheap.
What?
You know, the big match experts.
Yes, that was quite
a good show, you know.
I think that the
michael ellis character
Was a little overdone.
Well, I don't agree
with that, malcolm.
Quite frankly,
the only bit I liked was
This bit with me
in it now.
No? slow fade?
Nnn... no.
Well, how about
a sudden ending?