Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 2 - Michael Ellis - full transcript

In this episode, Chris Quinn enters a department store and demands to buy an ant named Marcus.

Yes, this looks
the sort of thing.

May I just try it?

Certainly, madam.

Oh, sorry, so sorry!

Yes, that's fine.

Is that on account,
madam?

Yes.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were
someone else.



Oh, I see, yes.

I'm sorry, sir.

Can I help you?

Yes, yes, as a matter of fact,
you can, actually.

I was interested in
the possibility of pur...

Can I ask you
who you thought I was?

What?

Who did you think I was

Just then, when you thought
I was somebody?

Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir.

Well, I might know them.

It's possible, obviously

But I think it's
really unlikely.

I mean, he's hardly likely to
move in your circles, sir.



Why, is he very rich?

Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir.

Is he a lord or something?

Not at all.

What is his name?

What?

What is his name?

Well, uh...

Yes?

Michael ellis.

Who?

Michael ellis.

I see.

Do you know him, sir?

Uh, michael ellis.

Michael ellis.

You don't?

Well, I don't
remember the name.

I think you would
remember him, sir.

Why do you say that?

Well, would you remember

A man six foot nine inches high

40-ish, and he's got
a scar from here to here

And absolutely no nose?

Oh, I think I do remember
somebody like that.

Well, that's not michael ellis.

Right...

He's a small man
about this high

With a high-
pitched voice.

Right, I'm not going to
buy an ant from you now.

Oh, no, please.

You've not been
properly trained.

Come on, please.

I want another assistant.

All right, I'll get
another assistant.

Thank you.

Hello, sir.

Can I help you?

No, I want
a different assistant.

I am, sir-- I'm
mr. abanazar, sir.

Don't be silly.

Oh, no, please, please
let me help you.

No! I want
another assistant.

Oh, no, come on, please.

If you don't...

I'll be very good,
sir, really.

Good morning, sir.

How are you, sir?

Bit parky outside
today, isn't it, sir?

A very nice suit
you've got there, sir.

Right, I'm going.

No, no, please.

I'll get you
another assistant.

All right.

It's not him.

I don't want him.

Oh, please,
give him a chance.

No!

Yes, sir, can I be
of any assistance?

Oh, come on, don't try that.

Try what, sir?

You know

Perfectly well.

You were down behind there
with a silly mask on

Going

I don't think
I was, sir.

Get the manager.

There seems to have been
a misunderstanding, sir.

Manager!

This is the manager, sir.

What?

Yes, I'm
the manager.

Smashing store, this.

I can't recommend it too highly.

Well lit, rat-free,
it's a joy to manage.

Oh, yes, freshest haddock
in london, second floor

Third floor ribena, ants here

Behind there our
dinner wagon exhibition.

Manager!

Quick!

Yes, sir, can I help you, sir?

Yes, I want to complain about
the assistants on this counter.

I'm sorry, sir--
which ones?

Well, they're hiding now.

Sir?

They're hiding, down there
behind the counter.

I see, sir.

Well, there's nobody
down here, sir.

They must have crawled
through here

And made their escape
through "soft toys."

Yes, of course.

They were wearing masks
and making silly noises

And one of them pretended
to be the manager.

He spoke like this:

Oh, yes, I'm the manager.

Smashing store
to manage, this.

I think
I've got it, sir.

I think I've got it--
it's rag week.

Rag week?

Yes, you know,
for charity, sir.

Oh, I see, some local
college or university?

No, no, it's
the store's rag week.

The store's rag week?

Yes, the senior staff
don't join in much.

It's for the trainees,
really.

Not very good
for business, is it?

Oh, it's
for charity, sir.

People are awfully good
about it, you know.

Oh, I see.

Right, sir, I'll get
you a senior assistant.

Ants, was it?

Yes, please.

Mr. snetterton?

I don't want him!

Oh, please,
give me a chance.

No!

All right, mr. hartford.

Yes, good morning, sir,
can I help you?

Yes, please, I'm interested
in buying an ant.

Ah, yes, and what price were
you thinking of paying, sir?

Oh, well, I hadn't
actually got as far as that.

Well, sir, they start
about half a p

But they can go as high
as three p

Or even 31/2p for a champion.

Inflation, I'm afraid.

Well, I should think one
about 11/2p, please.

Ah, yes, well, you should get

A very serviceable little animal
for that, sir.

Quite frankly,
the half-p ones

Are a bit
on the mangy side.

What length was sir
thinking of?

Oh, medium?

Medium, medium,
medium, medium...

Yes, here we are.

Now, that one there
is an ayrshire

And that one there is a
king george bitch, I think.

And that one killing the little
flitbat is an afghan.

That's a nice one.

Let's see how you
get on with him, eh?

Ah, yes, he likes you.

He's taken to you.

What do you feed them on?

Uh, blancmange.

Blancmange?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

No, you don't feed them at all.

Well, what do they live on?

They don't-- they die.

They die?

Well, of course
they do

If you don't feed them.

I don't understand.

You let them die, then you buy
another one.

It's much cheaper
than feeding them

And that way, you have
a constant variety

Of little companions.

That's the advantage
of owning an ant.

Right, well,
I'll take this one.

Oh, dear,
I've dropped it.

Never mind, here's
another one.

Is there anything
else I'll need?

Yes, sir, you'll need
an ant house.

This is the model
we recommend, sir.

Won't it get out
of there?

Yes.

What's the point
of having the cage?

Well, none
at all, really.

And then some little
pieces of cage furniture

Which will keep
him entertained.

There's an ant wheel,
and a little ant swing

And here's a very nice one
here, a little ladder.

He can run up there
and ring the bell.

That's a trick
he can learn.

Will he live
long enough?

Not really, no, but
it's best to have one.

And here's a two-way radio
he can play with

And then of course,
you'll need the book.

The book?

Yes, yes,
the book on ants.

I see.

So, sir, that is, if I may
say so, funt184 11/2p, sir.

Will you take a check?

Yes, sir, if you don't mind leaving
a blood sample

And a piece of skin off the back
of the scalp just here, sir.

Sorry, just for
identification.

Can't be
too careful.

Well, I think I'll put it
on account.

I should, sir.

Much less painful.

There we are.

Anyway, sir, you know what they
say about an ant--

A friend for life, eh?

Well, a friend for
its life, anyway.

Now, then, here we are.

His name is marcus.

Right, if the little
chap should go

To an early grave,
sir, give us a ring

And we'll stick a few in
an envelope, all right?

Thanks very much indeed.

Not at all,
thank you, mr. ellis.

What did you say?

"thank you, mr. ellis."

It's not him.

Why did you say "mr. ellis"?

Who?

No, he didn't
say that.

I heard him say,
"thank you, mr. ellis."

Ah, no, no.

He said,
"I'm jealous."

What?

I'm jealous
of your ant.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye!

I don't care
who michael ellis is.

Papism will be
stamped out

With the iron boot of punishment
and enlightenment.

Excuse me, I was
in the ant counter and...

Papism will be
stamped out

With the iron boot of punishment
and enlightenment.

...the lord
himself who said

Stamp out
the papist swine.

Will mr. michael ellis please go

straight to
the manager's office.

I'll repeat that--
will mr. nigel mellish

please go straight
to the manager's office.

What you got now?

I bought an ant, mother.

What do you want
one of them for?

I'm not going
to clean it out.

You said you'd clean the tiger
out, but do you? no.

Suppose you've lost
interest in it now.

Now it'll be ant-ant-ant
for a couple of days

Then all of a sudden

"oh, mum, I've bought
a sloth"

Or some other odd-toed
ungulate like a tapir.

No, it's really
different this time, mum.

I'm really going to
look after this ant.

That's what you said
about the sperm whale.

Now your papa's having
to use it as a garage.

Well, you didn't
feed it properly.

Where are we going to get

44 tons of plankton
from every morning?

Your papa was dead vexed
about that.

They thought he was mad
in the deli.

Well, at least he's
got a free garage.

That's no good to him.

His hillman smells
all fishy.

Oh, blimey, that's the tiger.

He wants his mandies.

Are you giving
that tiger drugs?

'course I'm giving it drugs.

It's illegal.

You try telling that
to the tiger.

Well, I think
it's dangerous.

Listen, before
he started fixing

He used to get through four
jehovah witnesses a day.

And he used to eat all of them,
except the pamphlets.

Well, he's not dim.

All right!

I'm going
to watch tv.

Come on, marcus.

Michael's been on the phone

All day for you.

Michael?

Yeah, you know, michael...
michael!

Michael ellis.

Yeah, he's been
on the phone all day.

He came round twice.

What does
he look like?

Oh, I didn't
see him.

The orange-rumped agouti
answered the door.

Only useful animal
you ever bought, that.

Where is he now?

He's upstairs forging
prescriptions

For the sodding tiger.

No, no, where is
michael ellis now?

Oh, I don't know.

He said it wasn't
important, anyway.

All right, here I come.

Um...

Hello, and welcome

to the university
of the air.

And first
this afternoon

part 17
of our series

on animal
communications.

This afternoon, we look
at recent discoveries

in the field of intraspecific
signaling codes

in the family
formicidae.

Ooh, that's
a stroke of luck, marcus.

Turn that
bloody thing off!

We interrupt
this program

to bring you
the latest news

of the extraordinary
michael ellis saga.

Apparently michael ellis...

Hey, I was watching that!

Bloody thing.

It's upsetting
the tiger.

Oh, christ.

...nd of the announcement.

And now back to
university of the air

And our series for advanced
medical students

Elements of surgical
homeopathic practice.

Part 68, "ants."

Ah! we're in luck again, marcus.

Hello, formicidophiles.

Well, before all the blood
and guts you're waiting to see

let's have a look at the anatomy
of the little ant.

The body of the ant is divided
into three sections--

the head, the thorax
and the abdomen.

They are enclosed in
a hard armorlike covering

called the exoskeleton

which provides some protection
from other nasty little insects

but, unfortunately, not
from the dissector's scalpel.

See, nothing to it.

He's not such a toughie.

And his legs--

they help him carry
hundreds of times his own weight

but look at this.

You're not so strong
compared with me.

Four, five, six... ha!

I didn't know ants had
six legs, marcus.

I assure you,
they do, mr. ellis.

Hey, you've got
two legs missing.

And that's a false feeler,
marcus.

Blimey!

I'm taking this ant
back, mother.

It's got two legs
missing.

Mrs. mcwong's been
on the phone.

The polar bear's been
in her garden again.

Well, I'll get it on the way back
from the store.

Well, mind you do.

His droppings
are enormous.

Oh, and by the way,
while you're out

Get us another couple
of tellies, would you?

Here's 180 quid.

Second floor.

Stationery, leather goods,
nasal injuries

Cricket bats, film stars,
dolphinariums.

Third floor.

Cosmetics, books,
irish massage

Tribal headgear, ants

But not complaints
about ants.

Oh, where do I go
to complain?

Straight on, then left,
then right past the thing

Then up the little stairs

Then right past the bit
where it's gone all soft

Then down the wobbly bit,
left past the nail

Past the brown stain
on the wall to your right

And it's the door
marked "exit"

Straight ahead of you
on the left.

Thank you.

Fourth floor.

Kiddies' vasectomies...

I don't want you.

Oh, something wrong with
your little ant friend?

No, I'm not going
to tell you.

Oh, something missing
in the leg department?

No.

Yes, sir, can i
help you, sir?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's all right, sir.

It's for the sack race
later on, sir.

No, no, no, I want to speak
to the general manager.

I want to complain.

Oh, you want the toupee hall,
in that case, sir.

The what?

The toupee hall,
mr. ellis.

Excuse me,
could you tell me

The way to
the toupee hall, please?

Sorry?

The toupee hall.

The what?!

The toupee hall.

Oh, the toupee hall.

Gladys, where are
toupees now?

Toupees?

Mm, this gentleman
wants one.

A toupee?

Mm.

Well, no, actually...

Oh, I think they're in surgical
appliances now.

Oh, that's right.

Yes, you go left at artificial limbs
and hearing aids

Right at dentures

And it's on your left
just by glass eyes.

It doesn't say toupees to
avoid embarrassing people

But you can smell them.

Thank you.

You can see the join.

Yes, you can.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's so nice to see such
a large turnout this afternoon.

And I'd like to start off

By welcoming our guest speakers
for this afternoon

Mr. wadsworth...

Wordsworth.

Sorry, wordsworth.

Mr. john koots

And percy bysshe.

Shelley.

Just a little one,
medium dry.

And alfred lorde.

Tennyson.

Tennisball.

Son.

Sorry, alfred lord

Who is evidently
lord tennisball's son.

And to start off

I'm going to ask mr. wadswroth
to recite his latest offering

A little pram entitled
"I wandered lonely as a crab"

And it's all about ants.

I wandered lonely as a cloud...

Oh!

That floats on high

O'er vales and hills

When all at once,
I saw a crowd

A host of golden worker ants.

Thank you, thank you,
mr. bradlaugh.

Now, mr. bysshe...

Shelley.

Oh!

Is going to read one
of his latest psalms

Entitled "ode to a crab."

Well, it's not
about crabs, actually.

It's called
"ozymandias."

It's not an ode.

I met a traveler
in an antique land

Who said "six vast
and trunkless legs of stone

"stand in the desert.

"and on the pedestal,
these words appear--

"'my name is ozymandias,
king of ants.

"'look on
my feelers, termites

"'and despair

"'i am the biggest ant
you'll ever see.

"'the ants of old
weren't half as bold

And big and
fierce as me.'"

Thank you.

Thank you, mr. amontillado.

I'd like to ask one
or two of you at the back

Not to soil the carpet.

There is a restroom upstairs if
you find the poems too exciting.

Good afternoon.

Next, mr. dennis keat
will recite his latest problem

"ode to a glass of sherry."

My heart aches

And a drowsy numbness pains
my senses

As though an anteater
I'd seen...

A nasty long-nosed brute...

With furry legs and sticky
darting tongue.

I seem to feel its cruel jaws

Crunch! crunch! there go my legs

Snap! snap! my thorax, too.

My head's in a twain,
there goes my brain

Swallow, swallow...

It's true,
don't you see?

It's true.

It happens, it happens.

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen

I do apologize for that last...

Well, I hesitate to call it
a pram.

But I had no idea.

And talking of filth

I have asked you once
about the carpet.

Now, I do appreciate

That last poem was
very frightening, but please...

Now, before we move on
to tea and pramwiches

I would like to ask
arthur lord tenniscourt

To give us
his latest little plum

Entitled "the charge
of the ant brigade."

Half an inch...

Half an inch...

The queen,
the queen.

My loyal subjects,
we are here today

On a matter of
national import.

My late husband and we
are increasingly disturbed

By recent developments
in literary style

Vich have taken place
here in germany... er, england.

There seems to be an increasing
tendency for ze ent...

The ent... the ant

To become the dominant...

Was is der deutsches
entwicklungsbund...

Theme.

Theme of modern poetry
here in germany.

We are not... amusiert?

Entertained.

Entertained.

From now on,
ants is verboten.

Instead, it's skylarks,
daffodils, nightingales

Light brigades and...

Was ist das
shcreckliche gepong?

Es schmecke wie
ein scheisshaus

Und so weiter.

Well, we must away now

Or we shall be late
for the races.

God bless you, alles.

Electric kettles
over here, sir.

Don't worry, sir.

You're amongst
friends now, sir.

Mr. bradford,
mr. crawley.

These are our
fitters, sir.

We've had a lot of experience
in this field

And we do
pride ourselves

We offer the best and most
discreet service available.

I don't know

Whether you believe this, sir

But one of us is
actually wearing

A toupee at
this moment.

Well, you all are,
aren't you?

Have you got one?

No, I thought you...

I didn't know
you two...

I thought it was me.
I thought it was me.

So did i.

That is good.

Actually, I only came in here

To ask where
the manager's office was.

Just a minute.

Someone told you
we all had toupees?

No.

Oh, yeah?

How did you know?

Well, it's pretty obvious,
isn't it?

What do you mean,
obvious?

His is
undetectable.

Well, it's a different color,
for a start.

Is it?

Of course, it isn't.

It doesn't fit in with the rest
of his hair.

It sort of sticks up in
the middle.

Well, it's better
than yours.

Yes.

I'm not wearing
one.

Why did you come
in here then?

They told me to find
the manager's office here.

Oh, no, not again.

That's a bit lame,
isn't it?

It's the truth.

Manager's office?

Where'd you
get that, eh?

Mac fisheries?

Dreadful,
isn't it?

Nylon?

It's not, it's real, look.

Yeah, anyone
can do that.

Come on, get it off.

Look, do you want
a proper one?

No, I don't
need one.

There's no need
to be ashamed.

Look, we've all owned up.

I'm not wearing one.

Don't you see,
this is something

You've got to come
to terms with.

I am not wearing a toupee.

They just told me
to come in here

To find the manager's office
to complain about my ant.

Complain about
an ant?

Look, this is
for your own good.

All right,
take a seat.

You see, it ought
to have a safety catch.

I mean...

Ooh!

I mean, what if this fell
into the wrong hands?

Yes, madam,
I'll speak

To the makers personally,
all right?

Oh, would you?

It would put my mind
at ease.

Sorry, oh, sorry.

Next.

He's still
molesting her.

Yes, yes, I'll see you in
a moment, sir.

I've got a complaint to make.

Ah, take a seat.

I'm sorry
it's on fire.

Oh, not at all.

I got used to this
out east.

Ah, where were you out east?

Oh, norway, sweden,
places like that.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

My suit seems
to be catching fire.

Extinguisher?

Oh, no, thank you.

I think we'd better
let it run its course.

I was just thinking

Norway is not
very east, is it?

No, I should have said,
"when I was out north."

Yes, are there
many fires in norway?

Oh, good lord, yes.

The place is
a constant blaze.

Wooden buildings,
you know.

Oh, yes.

I lost my wife
in norway.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Why, did you know her?

No, no, I don't...

No, she wasn't
a favorite of mine.

No, we were out strolling
across a fjord one day

When one of the local matadors
came out of his tree house

And flung a load of old scimitars
and guillotines out

That he'd got cluttering up
his wine cellar

And apparently, rather
a large proportion of them

Landed on my wife

Causing her to snuff it
without much more ado.

Yes, yes.

Well, look...

Here is an important
announcement

about michael ellis.

It is now the end
of "michael ellis" week.

From now on,
it is "chris quinn" week.

What a rotten ending.

Well, it is one
of our cheapest, sir.

What else have you got?

Well, there's
the long, slow pullout, sir

You know, the camera tracks
back and back and mixes...

No, no, no.

Have you got anything
more exciting?

Well, how about
a chase?

There he is!

Oh, no, no.

Walking into the sunset?

What's that one?

You know, two lone
figures silhouetted

Against the dying rays
of the setting sun.

The music swells

And you've got a lump
in your throat

And a tear in your eye.

Oh, no.

Pity, I rather like that one.

No, they're all a bit
off the point, you see.

Well, there is one

That ties up the whole
michael ellis thing, but...

But what?

Oh, no, nothing, nothing.

Look, who is this michael ellis?

How about a happy ending, sir?

Chris, thank god
you're safe.

No, you wouldn't want that,
would you?

Why wouldn't I want that?

What about summing up
from the panel?

That's cheap.

What?

You know, the big match experts.

Yes, that was quite
a good show, you know.

I think that the
michael ellis character

Was a little overdone.

Well, I don't agree
with that, malcolm.

Quite frankly,
the only bit I liked was

This bit with me
in it now.

No? slow fade?

Nnn... no.

Well, how about
a sudden ending?