Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Nude Man - full transcript
A housing project induced by hypnosis stands---as long as the tenants believe in it. Also: highlights of the Olympic Hide-and-Seek finals; suggestions for improving bullfighting, such as the use of radar.
This is
captain macpherson
Welcoming you aboard
east scottish airways.
You'll have had
your tea.
Our destination
is glasgow.
There is no need
to panic.
There's a bomb
onboard this plane
And I'll tell you
where it is
For a thousand pounds.
I don't
believe you.
If you don't tell me
where the bomb is...
If I don't give you
the money...
Unless you give me
the bomb...
The money.
The money-- thank you,
pretty lady--
The bomb will explode,
killing everybody.
Including you.
I'll tell you where it is
for a pound.
All right,
here's a pound.
I don't want
scottish money.
They've got
the numbers.
It can be traced.
One english pound.
Now, where's
the bomb?
I can't remember.
You've forgotten?
Aye, you'd better have
your pound back.
Oh... fingerprints.
Now, where's
the bomb?
Wait a tick,
wait a tick.
My first is in glasgow,
but not in spain.
My second is in steamer,
but not in train.
My whole is in the luggage
compartment on the plane.
I'll tell you where
the bomb is for a pound.
It's in the luggage
compartment.
Right, here's your pound.
Is this character
giving you any trouble?
He's just ruined
this sketch.
Yes, absolutely.
Let's go on
to the next one.
Wait a tick,
wait a tick.
I won't ruin your
sketch for a pound.
No, no.
75p.
Next item.
Well, I see my role in it as...
Oh, how can I put it...
the nude man
As sort of symbolizing the two
separate strands of existence
The essential nudity of man...
Oh, um...
It's a very
interesting question.
Personally,
I rather adhere
To the bergsonian idea
of laughter
As a social sanction
Against inflexible
behavior, but...
Excuse me.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
Well, we'll be continuing
With monty python's
flying circus
In just a moment.
Yes, yes, we're going back
to the show
In just one moment from...
Now.
This new housing development
in bristol is
One of the most interesting
in the country.
It's using a variety
of new techniques--
Shockproof curtain walling
A central high-voltage, self-
generating electricity source
And extruded acrylic
fiberglass fitments.
It's also the first major
housing project in britain
To be built entirely
By characters by 19th-century
english literature.
Here, little nell from dickens'
old curiosity shop
Fits new nylon siphons
into the asbestos-lined ceiling.
But it's the electrical system
Which has attracted
the most attention.
Arthur huntington, who helen
graham married as a young girl
And whose shameless conduct
Eventually drove her back
to her brother, lawrence
In anne bronte's
the tenant of wildfell hall
Describes why it's unique.
Because, sir,
it is self-generating.
Because we have harnessed here,
in this box
The very forces of life itself
The very forces that will
send helen running back
To beg forgiveness.
The on-site building techniques
involve the construction
Of 12-foot walling blocks
By a crowd of farmhands
from tess of the d'urbervilles
Supervised by the genial
landlady, mrs. jupp
From samuel butler's
way of all flesh.
In contrast to the site
in bristol is progress here
On britain's first
18-level motorway interchange
Being built by characters
from milton's paradise lost.
What went wrong here?
Well, nobody really got on.
Satan didn't get on with eve...
Uh... archangel gabriel
didn't get on with satan.
Nobody got on with the serpent.
So now they have
to work a rota--
Forces of good
from 10:00 till 3:00
Forces of evil, 3:00 till 6:00.
But even more modern building
techniques are being used
On an expanding new town site
near peterborough.
Here, the amazing mystico
and janet
Can put up a block of flats
by hypnosis in under a minute.
The local council here have
Over 50 hypnosis-induced
25-story blocks
Put up by el mystico and janet.
I asked mr. ken verybigliar
the advantages of hypnosis
Compared to
other building methods.
Oh, there is a considerable
financial advantage
In using the services
of el mystico.
A block, like mystico point here
Would normally cost
in the region of (funt)1.5 million.
But this was put up
for five pounds
And 30 bob for janet.
But the obvious question is,
are they safe?
Of course they're safe.
There's absolutely no doubt
about that.
They're as strong,
solid and as safe
As any other building method
in this country
Provided, of course,
people believe in them.
Yes, we received a note
from the council
Saying that if we ceased
to believe in this building
It would fall down.
You don't mind living
In a figment of
another man's imagination?
No, it's much better
than where we used to live.
Where did you
used to live?
We had an 18-room villa
overlooking nice.
Really? that sounds much better.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Oh, no, no, no!
Of course not.
Phew! that was close.
But the construction of these
vast new housing developments
Providing homes
for many thousands of people
Is not the only project to which
he has applied his many talents.
He also has
an infallible pools method
A school of spanish dancing
and a car hire service.
What's the driving force
Behind a man of such restless
energies and boundless vision?
Here, as with so many
great men of history
The answer lies in a woman.
As antony has his cleopatra...
As napoleon has his josephine...
So mystico has his janet.
Yes, janet, a quiet, shy girl
An honors graduate
from harvard university
American junior sprint
record holder
Ex-world skating champion,
nobel prize winner
Architect, novelist and surgeon.
The girl who helped crack
the oppenheimer spy ring in 1947
She gave vital evidence
To the senate
narcotics commission in 1958.
She also helped to convict the
woman at the chemist's in 1961
And a year later,
she gave police information
Which led to the arrest
of her postman.
In october of that same year
She secured the conviction
of her gardener for bigamy
And three months later
Personally led the police swoop
on the couple next door.
In 1967, she became suspicious
of the man at the garage
And it was
her dogged perseverance
And relentless inquiries
That, two years later,
finally secured his conviction
For not having a license
for his car radio.
He was hanged at leeds
a year later
Despite the abolition
of capital punishment
And the public outcry.
Also in leeds that year,
a local butcher was hanged
For defaulting
on mortgage repayments
And a mr. jarvis
was electrocuted
For shouting in the corridor.
We admit there have been
outbreaks of hanging recently
But the police are trying
To keep the situation
under control.
You must remember the courts are
very busy at the moment
And the odd death sentence
is bound to slip through.
Electrocutions are
another big worry
But we hope that guillotining
has been eradicated
From the urban areas
And garroting is confined
almost entirely to luton.
So if you have a friend
in prison
Or under sentence of death
Be sure to let us know
at this address.
...and premier chou en-lai
who called it
"a major breakthrough."
Twelve men were
accidentally hanged
at whitby assizes this afternoon
whilst considering
their verdict.
This is one of the worst
miscarriages of justice
in britain since tuesday.
Well, it's 13 minutes to
the hour of nine, nine, nine
here on wonderful
radio one-one-one
so if you're still lying
in your big, big bed
now's the time to get up
out of it.
We've got another 13 hours
of tiptop sounds
here on wonderful radio one.
Oh, sorry about that.
So unless you have brain cells
or have completed the process
of evolution
there's a wonderful day ah...
Must be
on radio four.
Radio two...
Radio three...
Radio four.
It's 9:00 and time
for mortuary hour--
an hour of talks, tunes
and downright tomfoolery
for all those who work
in mortuaries
introduced as usual
by shirley bassey.
Well, we're going to kick
straight off this week
with our mortuary quiz, so have
your pens and pencils ready.
Turn that radio off
and look lively.
It's mortuary hour,
mr. wang.
Don't argue,
battersby.
This is our mortuary
in here, your grace.
I say, I say, i, uh...
I, uh...
I, uh... i, uh...
I, i, i, uh... i, uh...
I, uh...
I... i... i...
I can't think of anything
to say about it.
Well, we're very proud
of it here, sir.
It's one of the most up-to-date
in the country.
I see, yes, yes, yes.
Now, um... what are...
Oh, uh...
What are... uh...
What are... what...
What are... what is it?
Is it a power station?
No, your grace, it's a mortuary.
I see, I see,
good, good, good, good.
Well, it has
One of the most advanced
thermostat control systems
In the country
And it has computer control
storage facilities.
I see, I see.
I, um...
I, uh...
Oh, i...
I, uh...
I, uh... i...
I'm a good
little doggie.
I'm sorry, your grace?
I'm a good little dog.
Oh, dear.
Perhaps we should
postpone the visit.
Oh, no, no, no.
You see, it's just that
his brain is so tiny
The slightest movement
can dislodge it.
Your grace?
Your grace?
Oh, dear,
it's rather
Like one of those
games you play
Where you have to get the ball
into the hole...
Ah!
Excellent, excellent,
excellent, excellent.
Now then, uh... uh...
What happens when the steel
is poured into the ingots?
Perhaps we should go and have
a look at the new showers.
Yes, yes, yes, rather.
Yes, yes, yes, jolly good.
Jolly good, jolly good.
Jolly good, no fear.
Well, the answers were
as follows:
number one, the left hand;
two, no; three, normal;
four, yes, it has, in 1963
when a bird got caught
in the mechanism.
Turn that thing off.
It's "mortuary dance
time," mr. wang.
Never mind that, battersby.
This is the big one.
I've just had whitby police
on the phone with 12 hangees.
Oh, yeah, we just heard about
that on the radios.
No, these are 12 different ones,
so shtoom.
I'll not interrupt
this sketch for a pound.
What?
For one pound
I'll leave the sketch
totally uninterrupted.
50p?
I'm prepared to negotiate
a 40p deal.
For 35p, I won't interrupt
any of the next three items.
No, it's no good.
25p?
No.
10p and a kiss.
You see, it's very simple--
I just take these cutout figures
And by putting them together...
What?
Oh, you mean we're on.
Sorry.
Hmm?
Wait, nigel.
I've got this strange feeling
we're being watched.
Oh, my god, rose,
it's the police.
Run for it!
Oh, lunch break.
Gott in himmel!
It's coming!
Meanwhile, 55 years later
back in london...
Hello, good afternoon
And welcome to the second leg
of the olympic final
Of the men's hide-and-seek
Here in the heart
of britain's london.
We'll be starting in just
a couple of moments from now
And there you can see
the two competitors--
Francisco huron,
the paraguayan
Who, in this leg, is the seeker
And there's the man
he'll be looking for
Our own don roberts
from hinckley in leicestershire
Who, his trainer tells me
Is at the height
of his self-secreting form.
Now, in the first leg,
which ended on wednesday
Don succeeded in finding
the paraguayan
In the new world record time
Of 11 years, two months, 26 days
Nine hours, three minutes,
27.4 seconds
In a sweet shop in kilmarnock.
And now they're
under starter's orders.
On your marks...
Get set...
Uno, dos, tres,
cuatro, quince
Seis, siete, ocho,
nueve, diez...
Once, doce, trece,
catorce, quince
Diez y seis, diez
y siete, diez...
Veintidos, veintitres,
veinticuatro, veinticinco...
...treinta y seis,
treinta y siete, treinta y ocho
Treinta y nueve...
Well, don's off to
a really great start there.
Remember, the paraguayan has got
11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours
Three minutes,
27.4 seconds to beat.
... y ocho, novecientos
noventa y nueve...
Mil.
Coming!
Well, we'll be taking
you back there
As soon as there are
any developments.
We've just heard
that something is happening
In the hide-and-seek final,
so let's go straight over there.
Hello again,
and welcome to madagascar
Where francisco huron
is seeking don roberts.
And I've just been told
That he's been unofficially
described as "cold."
Ah, wait a minute.
I've just been told
That huron has requested
a plane ticket to budapest
So he's definitely
getting warmer.
So we'll be back again
in just a few years.
Really beginning to hot up now.
Well, here we are
On the very last day
of this fantastic final.
Huron now has less
than 12 hours left
To find british ace don roberts.
Early this morning, he finished
combing the outskirts of lisbon
And now he seems
to have staked everything
On one final desperate seek
here in the tagus valley.
But roberts is
over 1,500 miles away
And it's beginning to look
all over, bar the shouting.
The sands of time are running
out for this delving dago
This senor of seek,
this perspicacious paraguayan.
He's still desperately cold
And it's beginning to look
like another gold for britain.
Prego! prego,
signore!
There he is!
All right.
The official result of
the world hide-and-seek.
Mr. don roberts, from
hinckley, leicestershire:
11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours
Three minutes,
27 seconds.
Mr. francisco huron,
paraguay:
11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours
Three minutes,
27 seconds.
The result-- a tie.
A tie-- what a fantastic result!
Well, the replay will start
tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.
Well, hello again.
Nice to be back.
Glad to see the show's
been going well.
Well, now,
sorry about mon-trerx.
That was a little item
entitled "hide-and-seek."
Very anarchic, very effective,
not quite my cup of tea
But very nice
for the younger people.
Well, the next item the boys
have put together takes place
In a sitting room.
Sorry it's just a sitting room,
but the bank account's a bit low
After the appallingly expensive
production of clochmerle.
This is a totally
free interruption
And no money has
changed hands whatever.
Sorry about that, darling.
Gravy?
Yes, please, dear.
Oh, dear, that'll be
The cheap-laughs
from next door.
Come in.
No! just
breathing heavily!
Oh, we just dropped in.
Would you like
to come through?
Oh, yes.
Well, good night
and give us a kiss.
Oh, thank you very much
for a very nice evening.
After you, dear.
Right-o!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh, honestly, dear, why do we
always have to buy everything
Just because
the cheap-laughs have one?
This is not
an interruption at all.
It's just neighborliness,
dear, that's all.
Well, I think we should try and
lead our own lives from now on.
Ooh!
Can't you be serious
for just one moment?
Darling, I'm sorry
I was cross earlier.
Oh, that's
all right, dear.
It's just that
I get so sick
Of always having to be
like the cheap-laughs.
Yes, well, from now on
we'll be like ourselves.
Oh, roger!
Oh, beatrice!
Many people in this country are
becoming increasingly worried
About bullfighting.
They say it's not only cruel,
vicious and immoral
But also blatantly unfair.
The bull is heavy, violent,
abusive and aggressive
With four legs
and great sharp teeth
Whereas the bullfighter is
only a small, greasy spaniard.
Given this basic inequality
What can be done to make
bullfighting safer?
We asked brigadier
arthur farquar-smith
Chairman of the british
well-basically club.
Well, basically,
it's quite apparent
That these minuscule dago
chappies have got it all wrong.
They prance round the bull
Like a lot of
bally nightclub dancers
Looking like
the younger generation
Or a less smooth version
of the lionel blair troupe
With much of
the staccato rhythms
Of the irving davies dancers
at the height of their success.
In recent years
Pan's people have often
recaptured a lyricism...
And what we must do now
Is to use devices like radar
to locate the bull
And sam missiles fired
from underground silos
To knock the bull over.
Then I would send in
scottish boys with air cover
To provide a diversion
for the bull
Whilst the navy came in round
the back and finished him off.
That to me would be
bullfighting
And not this pansy kind of
lyrical, evocative movement
Which george balanchine
and martha graham in the states
And our very own
sadler's wells...
Troops could be used
in an auxiliary role
In international chess, where...
What?
I'll put the lights
on again for a pound.
I'm sorry about
this interruption
But we'll soon put things right
With just a simple
little push of a button.
Oh, ow!
Help! oh, no!
Oh! oh, dear!
That's okay...
No, no, please.
Oh, oh-oh! wow!
Oh! no, no, no!
Oh, oh, dear!
Ow! oh!
"extra" holt mehr schmutz
aus ihrer waesche.
Sehen sie selbst.
What?
I'm very sorry, but I don't know
Why I've been included
in zis cartoon.
That's a bloody lie!
It's quite obvious
what's going on here.
This whole thing is loaded
with political significance.
I was right.
This is the planet algon
Fifth world
in the system of aldebaran
The red giant in the
constellation of sagittarius.
Here an ordinary cup of drinking
chocolate costs funt4 million.
An immersion heater
for the hot-water tank costs
Over funt6 billion
And a pair
of split-crotch panties
Would be almost unobtainable.
A simple rear-window
demisting device for an 1100
Costs funt8,000 million billion
And a new element for
an electric kettle like this
Would cost as much as the
entire gross national product
Of the united states of america
from 1770 to the year 2000
And even then, they
wouldn't be able to afford
The small fixing ring
which attaches it to the kettle.
Well, our computers
have been working all day
To try and analyze the dramatic
information that's coming in
From this first ever
intergalactic probe, algon i.
And we're just getting
an interesting development now
Which is that attachments
for rotary mowers--
That is, mowers that have
a central circular blade--
Are relatively inexpensive!
Still in the region of
nine to ten million pounds
But it does seem to indicate
That algon might be
a very good planet
For those with larger gardens
Or perhaps even an orchard
that's been left for two years
Needs some heavy work,
some weeding.
But we're now getting some live
pictures through from algon!
Harry, perhaps you could
talk us through them.
Very little evidence of
shopping facilities here.
There don't seem to be
any large supermarkets.
There may be some
on-the-corner grocery stores
Behind those rocks
But it's difficult
to tell from this angle.
It does seem to suggest
That most of the shopping here
is by direct mail.
Well, of course
The big question
that everyone's asking here
Is what about those
split-crotch panties?
Are they going
to be unobtainable
Throughout the universe,
or merely on algon itself?
Professor?
We must remember
That algon is
over 75,000 miles wide.
The probe's come down
in this area here
And we're really
only getting signals
From a radius of 30
or 40 miles around the probe.
Split-crotch panties,
or indeed any items
Of what we scientists call "sexy
underwear" or "erotic lingerie"
May be much more plentiful
on other parts of the planet.
Professor, you were
responsible for finding
Scanty-panties and golden
goddess high-lift bras
On planets which weren't
thought able to sustain life.
And now that man has
discovered a new galaxy
Do you think we're
going to see
Underwear become
even naughtier?
Oh, naughtier
and naughtier.
Well, so much for that.
But, of course, the probe
itself has excited
A great deal of interest
For it contains uranium-based
dual transmission cells
Entirely recharged
by solar radiation
Which can take off a bra and
panties in less than 15 seconds.
It is, of course, the first
piece of space hardware
To be specially designed
to undress ladies
And so there are bound
to be some teething troubles
Such as how to cope
With the combination of
elastic-sided boots and tights.
But I think we're getting some
pictures now from algon itself
And it looks as though... yes!
The satellite has found a bird!
The probe has struck crumpet,
and she looks pretty good, too!
Professor?
Ja, she's a real honey!
Well, the pictures
are a bit sporadic.
I think probably
the solar radiation
During the long
journey to algon...
Hoy! look!
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
We've lost contact.
We'll try and reestablish
contact with algon...
Hello, the bbc have
offered me the sum of 40p
To read the credits
of this show.
Personally, I thought
they should have held out
For the full 75, but
the bbc have explained to me
About their
financial difficulties
And, uh, I decided to accept
the reduced offer.
So, "the show was conceived,
written and performed
"by the usual lot.
"also appearing were
"carol cleveland,
marie anderson, mrs. idle;
"makeup, madelaine gaffney ;
"costumes, hazel pethig;
animations by terry gilliam;
"visual effects designer,
bernard wilkie;
"graphics, bob blagden;
"film cameraman,
alan featherstone;
"film editor, ray millichope;
sound, richard chubb;
"lighting, bill bailey ;
designer, bob berk;
"produced by ian macnaughton
"for 92p and
a bottle of bells whisky.
It was a bbc colour production."
Uh, I think that's just it.
I'd like to say if there are
any bbc producers looking in
Who need people to read
the credits for them
I would personally...
captain macpherson
Welcoming you aboard
east scottish airways.
You'll have had
your tea.
Our destination
is glasgow.
There is no need
to panic.
There's a bomb
onboard this plane
And I'll tell you
where it is
For a thousand pounds.
I don't
believe you.
If you don't tell me
where the bomb is...
If I don't give you
the money...
Unless you give me
the bomb...
The money.
The money-- thank you,
pretty lady--
The bomb will explode,
killing everybody.
Including you.
I'll tell you where it is
for a pound.
All right,
here's a pound.
I don't want
scottish money.
They've got
the numbers.
It can be traced.
One english pound.
Now, where's
the bomb?
I can't remember.
You've forgotten?
Aye, you'd better have
your pound back.
Oh... fingerprints.
Now, where's
the bomb?
Wait a tick,
wait a tick.
My first is in glasgow,
but not in spain.
My second is in steamer,
but not in train.
My whole is in the luggage
compartment on the plane.
I'll tell you where
the bomb is for a pound.
It's in the luggage
compartment.
Right, here's your pound.
Is this character
giving you any trouble?
He's just ruined
this sketch.
Yes, absolutely.
Let's go on
to the next one.
Wait a tick,
wait a tick.
I won't ruin your
sketch for a pound.
No, no.
75p.
Next item.
Well, I see my role in it as...
Oh, how can I put it...
the nude man
As sort of symbolizing the two
separate strands of existence
The essential nudity of man...
Oh, um...
It's a very
interesting question.
Personally,
I rather adhere
To the bergsonian idea
of laughter
As a social sanction
Against inflexible
behavior, but...
Excuse me.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
Well, we'll be continuing
With monty python's
flying circus
In just a moment.
Yes, yes, we're going back
to the show
In just one moment from...
Now.
This new housing development
in bristol is
One of the most interesting
in the country.
It's using a variety
of new techniques--
Shockproof curtain walling
A central high-voltage, self-
generating electricity source
And extruded acrylic
fiberglass fitments.
It's also the first major
housing project in britain
To be built entirely
By characters by 19th-century
english literature.
Here, little nell from dickens'
old curiosity shop
Fits new nylon siphons
into the asbestos-lined ceiling.
But it's the electrical system
Which has attracted
the most attention.
Arthur huntington, who helen
graham married as a young girl
And whose shameless conduct
Eventually drove her back
to her brother, lawrence
In anne bronte's
the tenant of wildfell hall
Describes why it's unique.
Because, sir,
it is self-generating.
Because we have harnessed here,
in this box
The very forces of life itself
The very forces that will
send helen running back
To beg forgiveness.
The on-site building techniques
involve the construction
Of 12-foot walling blocks
By a crowd of farmhands
from tess of the d'urbervilles
Supervised by the genial
landlady, mrs. jupp
From samuel butler's
way of all flesh.
In contrast to the site
in bristol is progress here
On britain's first
18-level motorway interchange
Being built by characters
from milton's paradise lost.
What went wrong here?
Well, nobody really got on.
Satan didn't get on with eve...
Uh... archangel gabriel
didn't get on with satan.
Nobody got on with the serpent.
So now they have
to work a rota--
Forces of good
from 10:00 till 3:00
Forces of evil, 3:00 till 6:00.
But even more modern building
techniques are being used
On an expanding new town site
near peterborough.
Here, the amazing mystico
and janet
Can put up a block of flats
by hypnosis in under a minute.
The local council here have
Over 50 hypnosis-induced
25-story blocks
Put up by el mystico and janet.
I asked mr. ken verybigliar
the advantages of hypnosis
Compared to
other building methods.
Oh, there is a considerable
financial advantage
In using the services
of el mystico.
A block, like mystico point here
Would normally cost
in the region of (funt)1.5 million.
But this was put up
for five pounds
And 30 bob for janet.
But the obvious question is,
are they safe?
Of course they're safe.
There's absolutely no doubt
about that.
They're as strong,
solid and as safe
As any other building method
in this country
Provided, of course,
people believe in them.
Yes, we received a note
from the council
Saying that if we ceased
to believe in this building
It would fall down.
You don't mind living
In a figment of
another man's imagination?
No, it's much better
than where we used to live.
Where did you
used to live?
We had an 18-room villa
overlooking nice.
Really? that sounds much better.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Oh, no, no, no!
Of course not.
Phew! that was close.
But the construction of these
vast new housing developments
Providing homes
for many thousands of people
Is not the only project to which
he has applied his many talents.
He also has
an infallible pools method
A school of spanish dancing
and a car hire service.
What's the driving force
Behind a man of such restless
energies and boundless vision?
Here, as with so many
great men of history
The answer lies in a woman.
As antony has his cleopatra...
As napoleon has his josephine...
So mystico has his janet.
Yes, janet, a quiet, shy girl
An honors graduate
from harvard university
American junior sprint
record holder
Ex-world skating champion,
nobel prize winner
Architect, novelist and surgeon.
The girl who helped crack
the oppenheimer spy ring in 1947
She gave vital evidence
To the senate
narcotics commission in 1958.
She also helped to convict the
woman at the chemist's in 1961
And a year later,
she gave police information
Which led to the arrest
of her postman.
In october of that same year
She secured the conviction
of her gardener for bigamy
And three months later
Personally led the police swoop
on the couple next door.
In 1967, she became suspicious
of the man at the garage
And it was
her dogged perseverance
And relentless inquiries
That, two years later,
finally secured his conviction
For not having a license
for his car radio.
He was hanged at leeds
a year later
Despite the abolition
of capital punishment
And the public outcry.
Also in leeds that year,
a local butcher was hanged
For defaulting
on mortgage repayments
And a mr. jarvis
was electrocuted
For shouting in the corridor.
We admit there have been
outbreaks of hanging recently
But the police are trying
To keep the situation
under control.
You must remember the courts are
very busy at the moment
And the odd death sentence
is bound to slip through.
Electrocutions are
another big worry
But we hope that guillotining
has been eradicated
From the urban areas
And garroting is confined
almost entirely to luton.
So if you have a friend
in prison
Or under sentence of death
Be sure to let us know
at this address.
...and premier chou en-lai
who called it
"a major breakthrough."
Twelve men were
accidentally hanged
at whitby assizes this afternoon
whilst considering
their verdict.
This is one of the worst
miscarriages of justice
in britain since tuesday.
Well, it's 13 minutes to
the hour of nine, nine, nine
here on wonderful
radio one-one-one
so if you're still lying
in your big, big bed
now's the time to get up
out of it.
We've got another 13 hours
of tiptop sounds
here on wonderful radio one.
Oh, sorry about that.
So unless you have brain cells
or have completed the process
of evolution
there's a wonderful day ah...
Must be
on radio four.
Radio two...
Radio three...
Radio four.
It's 9:00 and time
for mortuary hour--
an hour of talks, tunes
and downright tomfoolery
for all those who work
in mortuaries
introduced as usual
by shirley bassey.
Well, we're going to kick
straight off this week
with our mortuary quiz, so have
your pens and pencils ready.
Turn that radio off
and look lively.
It's mortuary hour,
mr. wang.
Don't argue,
battersby.
This is our mortuary
in here, your grace.
I say, I say, i, uh...
I, uh...
I, uh... i, uh...
I, i, i, uh... i, uh...
I, uh...
I... i... i...
I can't think of anything
to say about it.
Well, we're very proud
of it here, sir.
It's one of the most up-to-date
in the country.
I see, yes, yes, yes.
Now, um... what are...
Oh, uh...
What are... uh...
What are... what...
What are... what is it?
Is it a power station?
No, your grace, it's a mortuary.
I see, I see,
good, good, good, good.
Well, it has
One of the most advanced
thermostat control systems
In the country
And it has computer control
storage facilities.
I see, I see.
I, um...
I, uh...
Oh, i...
I, uh...
I, uh... i...
I'm a good
little doggie.
I'm sorry, your grace?
I'm a good little dog.
Oh, dear.
Perhaps we should
postpone the visit.
Oh, no, no, no.
You see, it's just that
his brain is so tiny
The slightest movement
can dislodge it.
Your grace?
Your grace?
Oh, dear,
it's rather
Like one of those
games you play
Where you have to get the ball
into the hole...
Ah!
Excellent, excellent,
excellent, excellent.
Now then, uh... uh...
What happens when the steel
is poured into the ingots?
Perhaps we should go and have
a look at the new showers.
Yes, yes, yes, rather.
Yes, yes, yes, jolly good.
Jolly good, jolly good.
Jolly good, no fear.
Well, the answers were
as follows:
number one, the left hand;
two, no; three, normal;
four, yes, it has, in 1963
when a bird got caught
in the mechanism.
Turn that thing off.
It's "mortuary dance
time," mr. wang.
Never mind that, battersby.
This is the big one.
I've just had whitby police
on the phone with 12 hangees.
Oh, yeah, we just heard about
that on the radios.
No, these are 12 different ones,
so shtoom.
I'll not interrupt
this sketch for a pound.
What?
For one pound
I'll leave the sketch
totally uninterrupted.
50p?
I'm prepared to negotiate
a 40p deal.
For 35p, I won't interrupt
any of the next three items.
No, it's no good.
25p?
No.
10p and a kiss.
You see, it's very simple--
I just take these cutout figures
And by putting them together...
What?
Oh, you mean we're on.
Sorry.
Hmm?
Wait, nigel.
I've got this strange feeling
we're being watched.
Oh, my god, rose,
it's the police.
Run for it!
Oh, lunch break.
Gott in himmel!
It's coming!
Meanwhile, 55 years later
back in london...
Hello, good afternoon
And welcome to the second leg
of the olympic final
Of the men's hide-and-seek
Here in the heart
of britain's london.
We'll be starting in just
a couple of moments from now
And there you can see
the two competitors--
Francisco huron,
the paraguayan
Who, in this leg, is the seeker
And there's the man
he'll be looking for
Our own don roberts
from hinckley in leicestershire
Who, his trainer tells me
Is at the height
of his self-secreting form.
Now, in the first leg,
which ended on wednesday
Don succeeded in finding
the paraguayan
In the new world record time
Of 11 years, two months, 26 days
Nine hours, three minutes,
27.4 seconds
In a sweet shop in kilmarnock.
And now they're
under starter's orders.
On your marks...
Get set...
Uno, dos, tres,
cuatro, quince
Seis, siete, ocho,
nueve, diez...
Once, doce, trece,
catorce, quince
Diez y seis, diez
y siete, diez...
Veintidos, veintitres,
veinticuatro, veinticinco...
...treinta y seis,
treinta y siete, treinta y ocho
Treinta y nueve...
Well, don's off to
a really great start there.
Remember, the paraguayan has got
11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours
Three minutes,
27.4 seconds to beat.
... y ocho, novecientos
noventa y nueve...
Mil.
Coming!
Well, we'll be taking
you back there
As soon as there are
any developments.
We've just heard
that something is happening
In the hide-and-seek final,
so let's go straight over there.
Hello again,
and welcome to madagascar
Where francisco huron
is seeking don roberts.
And I've just been told
That he's been unofficially
described as "cold."
Ah, wait a minute.
I've just been told
That huron has requested
a plane ticket to budapest
So he's definitely
getting warmer.
So we'll be back again
in just a few years.
Really beginning to hot up now.
Well, here we are
On the very last day
of this fantastic final.
Huron now has less
than 12 hours left
To find british ace don roberts.
Early this morning, he finished
combing the outskirts of lisbon
And now he seems
to have staked everything
On one final desperate seek
here in the tagus valley.
But roberts is
over 1,500 miles away
And it's beginning to look
all over, bar the shouting.
The sands of time are running
out for this delving dago
This senor of seek,
this perspicacious paraguayan.
He's still desperately cold
And it's beginning to look
like another gold for britain.
Prego! prego,
signore!
There he is!
All right.
The official result of
the world hide-and-seek.
Mr. don roberts, from
hinckley, leicestershire:
11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours
Three minutes,
27 seconds.
Mr. francisco huron,
paraguay:
11 years, two months,
26 days, nine hours
Three minutes,
27 seconds.
The result-- a tie.
A tie-- what a fantastic result!
Well, the replay will start
tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.
Well, hello again.
Nice to be back.
Glad to see the show's
been going well.
Well, now,
sorry about mon-trerx.
That was a little item
entitled "hide-and-seek."
Very anarchic, very effective,
not quite my cup of tea
But very nice
for the younger people.
Well, the next item the boys
have put together takes place
In a sitting room.
Sorry it's just a sitting room,
but the bank account's a bit low
After the appallingly expensive
production of clochmerle.
This is a totally
free interruption
And no money has
changed hands whatever.
Sorry about that, darling.
Gravy?
Yes, please, dear.
Oh, dear, that'll be
The cheap-laughs
from next door.
Come in.
No! just
breathing heavily!
Oh, we just dropped in.
Would you like
to come through?
Oh, yes.
Well, good night
and give us a kiss.
Oh, thank you very much
for a very nice evening.
After you, dear.
Right-o!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh, honestly, dear, why do we
always have to buy everything
Just because
the cheap-laughs have one?
This is not
an interruption at all.
It's just neighborliness,
dear, that's all.
Well, I think we should try and
lead our own lives from now on.
Ooh!
Can't you be serious
for just one moment?
Darling, I'm sorry
I was cross earlier.
Oh, that's
all right, dear.
It's just that
I get so sick
Of always having to be
like the cheap-laughs.
Yes, well, from now on
we'll be like ourselves.
Oh, roger!
Oh, beatrice!
Many people in this country are
becoming increasingly worried
About bullfighting.
They say it's not only cruel,
vicious and immoral
But also blatantly unfair.
The bull is heavy, violent,
abusive and aggressive
With four legs
and great sharp teeth
Whereas the bullfighter is
only a small, greasy spaniard.
Given this basic inequality
What can be done to make
bullfighting safer?
We asked brigadier
arthur farquar-smith
Chairman of the british
well-basically club.
Well, basically,
it's quite apparent
That these minuscule dago
chappies have got it all wrong.
They prance round the bull
Like a lot of
bally nightclub dancers
Looking like
the younger generation
Or a less smooth version
of the lionel blair troupe
With much of
the staccato rhythms
Of the irving davies dancers
at the height of their success.
In recent years
Pan's people have often
recaptured a lyricism...
And what we must do now
Is to use devices like radar
to locate the bull
And sam missiles fired
from underground silos
To knock the bull over.
Then I would send in
scottish boys with air cover
To provide a diversion
for the bull
Whilst the navy came in round
the back and finished him off.
That to me would be
bullfighting
And not this pansy kind of
lyrical, evocative movement
Which george balanchine
and martha graham in the states
And our very own
sadler's wells...
Troops could be used
in an auxiliary role
In international chess, where...
What?
I'll put the lights
on again for a pound.
I'm sorry about
this interruption
But we'll soon put things right
With just a simple
little push of a button.
Oh, ow!
Help! oh, no!
Oh! oh, dear!
That's okay...
No, no, please.
Oh, oh-oh! wow!
Oh! no, no, no!
Oh, oh, dear!
Ow! oh!
"extra" holt mehr schmutz
aus ihrer waesche.
Sehen sie selbst.
What?
I'm very sorry, but I don't know
Why I've been included
in zis cartoon.
That's a bloody lie!
It's quite obvious
what's going on here.
This whole thing is loaded
with political significance.
I was right.
This is the planet algon
Fifth world
in the system of aldebaran
The red giant in the
constellation of sagittarius.
Here an ordinary cup of drinking
chocolate costs funt4 million.
An immersion heater
for the hot-water tank costs
Over funt6 billion
And a pair
of split-crotch panties
Would be almost unobtainable.
A simple rear-window
demisting device for an 1100
Costs funt8,000 million billion
And a new element for
an electric kettle like this
Would cost as much as the
entire gross national product
Of the united states of america
from 1770 to the year 2000
And even then, they
wouldn't be able to afford
The small fixing ring
which attaches it to the kettle.
Well, our computers
have been working all day
To try and analyze the dramatic
information that's coming in
From this first ever
intergalactic probe, algon i.
And we're just getting
an interesting development now
Which is that attachments
for rotary mowers--
That is, mowers that have
a central circular blade--
Are relatively inexpensive!
Still in the region of
nine to ten million pounds
But it does seem to indicate
That algon might be
a very good planet
For those with larger gardens
Or perhaps even an orchard
that's been left for two years
Needs some heavy work,
some weeding.
But we're now getting some live
pictures through from algon!
Harry, perhaps you could
talk us through them.
Very little evidence of
shopping facilities here.
There don't seem to be
any large supermarkets.
There may be some
on-the-corner grocery stores
Behind those rocks
But it's difficult
to tell from this angle.
It does seem to suggest
That most of the shopping here
is by direct mail.
Well, of course
The big question
that everyone's asking here
Is what about those
split-crotch panties?
Are they going
to be unobtainable
Throughout the universe,
or merely on algon itself?
Professor?
We must remember
That algon is
over 75,000 miles wide.
The probe's come down
in this area here
And we're really
only getting signals
From a radius of 30
or 40 miles around the probe.
Split-crotch panties,
or indeed any items
Of what we scientists call "sexy
underwear" or "erotic lingerie"
May be much more plentiful
on other parts of the planet.
Professor, you were
responsible for finding
Scanty-panties and golden
goddess high-lift bras
On planets which weren't
thought able to sustain life.
And now that man has
discovered a new galaxy
Do you think we're
going to see
Underwear become
even naughtier?
Oh, naughtier
and naughtier.
Well, so much for that.
But, of course, the probe
itself has excited
A great deal of interest
For it contains uranium-based
dual transmission cells
Entirely recharged
by solar radiation
Which can take off a bra and
panties in less than 15 seconds.
It is, of course, the first
piece of space hardware
To be specially designed
to undress ladies
And so there are bound
to be some teething troubles
Such as how to cope
With the combination of
elastic-sided boots and tights.
But I think we're getting some
pictures now from algon itself
And it looks as though... yes!
The satellite has found a bird!
The probe has struck crumpet,
and she looks pretty good, too!
Professor?
Ja, she's a real honey!
Well, the pictures
are a bit sporadic.
I think probably
the solar radiation
During the long
journey to algon...
Hoy! look!
Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
We've lost contact.
We'll try and reestablish
contact with algon...
Hello, the bbc have
offered me the sum of 40p
To read the credits
of this show.
Personally, I thought
they should have held out
For the full 75, but
the bbc have explained to me
About their
financial difficulties
And, uh, I decided to accept
the reduced offer.
So, "the show was conceived,
written and performed
"by the usual lot.
"also appearing were
"carol cleveland,
marie anderson, mrs. idle;
"makeup, madelaine gaffney ;
"costumes, hazel pethig;
animations by terry gilliam;
"visual effects designer,
bernard wilkie;
"graphics, bob blagden;
"film cameraman,
alan featherstone;
"film editor, ray millichope;
sound, richard chubb;
"lighting, bill bailey ;
designer, bob berk;
"produced by ian macnaughton
"for 92p and
a bottle of bells whisky.
It was a bbc colour production."
Uh, I think that's just it.
I'd like to say if there are
any bbc producers looking in
Who need people to read
the credits for them
I would personally...